Editor: DebsSweet
Graphic Artists:
Ditziexx, LuvintheCountry,
CrispySue,
kittykab
S N O W
Yes! We got snow! Was I prepared? No!
I have plenty of food for the pets so that's all that matters.
Until Monday when it seems I can get on the roads again, the Beneful
Chicken Stew Dinners are lookin' awfully tasty.
Be careful when surfing the Internet. I
have checked EACH link submitted to you and they are in working
order as of this posting. Always be aware of the risks out there and keep
current with your
anti-virus and adware removal software!
If you would like to SIGN UP or BE REMOVED (sure, remove yourself, break my
heart
and force me into therapy for life) from this mailing list, please send an
email
to me, deb@debsnewsletter.com and
your request will be handled promptly.
Kick up your feet and put your problems behind you cause darlin' it's time to
ROCK AND ROLL!
and don't forget to buckle your seatbelts, cause it's going to be a wild
ride!
"Da Deb is da best!!!!"
FLR2D2
T T T T T
Heavenly Father,
You have taken away my favorite dancer, Michael Jackson,
my favorite actor, Patrick Swayze, my favorite actress, Farrah Fawcett,
my favorite comedian, Soupy Sales, my favorite pitchman, Billy
Mays
and my favorite sidekick, Ed McMahon.
Just so you know, my favorite politicians are Barack Obama,
Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid.
Thank you.
(Editor Note to the FBI: this is a joke)
T T T T T
Sign up and follow me! Deborah Austin
on Twitter!
T T T T T
MMojoy
Bubba had long heard the
stories of an amazing family tradition.
It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather
had all been
able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that special day,
they'd
each walked across the lake to the bar on the far side for their first legal
drink.
So when Bubba's 21st birthday came 'round, he and his
pal Jim Bob took a
boat out to the middle of the lake, Bubba stepped out of the boat ...and
nearly drowned! Jim Bob just barely managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Bubba went to see his
grandmother.
'Grandma,' he asked, 'it's my 21st birthday, so why
can't I walk 'cross
the lake like my pappy, his father, and his father before him?'
Granny looked deeply into Bubba's troubled eyes and
said, 'Because your
father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were born in January,
when the lake is frozen, and you were born in July, you dumb ass'.
T T T T T
T T T T T
I decided to freeze my sperm for use by
future generations should
male fertility be destroyed by alien plagues. Unfortunately,
neither the cop nor the 7-Eleven manager thought that was a valid
reason for my 'nads to be in the slushy machine.
T T T T T
Uncle Bubba was arrested for selling moonshine. At his trial,
his lawyer put him on the stand and said, "Ladies and gentlemen
of the jury. I ask you to take a good look at my client. Look
carefully at him. I'll give you some time."
After a few seconds of silence he continued, "Now, ladies and
gentleman of the jury, you've looked carefully at the defendant. Can
you sit there and honestly believe that if my client had a quart
of whiskey he would sell it?"
Uncle Bubba was acquitted.
T T T T T
T T T T T
In light of the recent
revelation that lead in some
Chinese-mad toys is being replaced by
cadmium, an
even more toxic substance, we here at TopFive
thought
we'd perform a public service and warn you
folks
about some toys you should probably try to
avoid.
The Top 20 Toys Most Likely Made With Dangerous Materials
copyright topfive.com chris white
20> My Little Choking Hazard
19> Teddy Barium
18> Poolboy Ken's Chlorine and Muratic Acid Playset
17> Strawberry Yellowcake
16> The Game of Half Life
15> Taser Tag
14> Chutes and Adders
13> Raggedy Anthrax
12> Magma Doodle
11> EZ-Nuke Oven
10> UltraViolet Lite Brite
9> Magnificent Seven Orkin Man Playset
8> Asbestos Patch Kids
7> Rubik's Fuse
6> Mark McGwire Steroid Slugger Doctor Kit
5> Plungy, Plungy, Hypo
4> The Three-Headed-Hermaphroditic-Mercury-Poisoned-Ich-Riddled
Fisher Price Playset
3> Radium Fryer Wagon
2> Slice 'n' Slash Razorwire eXtreme Slinky
and Topfive.com's Number
1 Toy Most
Likely Made With Dangerous
Materials...
1> Mr. Peyote Head
T T T T T
Virg297
T T T
T T
The actress Linda Blair just turned 51. Wow, tell me that doesn't
make your head spin!
T T T T T
Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity
T T T T T
When to Accept a Proposal... Or Not
Women who can answer "yes" to
five or more of these questions should consider carefully before
accepting a proposal of marriage.
* On his first date with you, did he pick you up early so you could help with
his laundry?
* To reach him in an emergency, would anyone think to call the local adult
bookstore?
* Has he ever bragged about seeing every episode of "Gilligan's
Island" at least four times?
* Is it unclear to some people whether that's a mustache or just a lot of
unruly nose hair?
* Is his idea of a classy restaurant one where every table has its own stack of
ketchup packets?
* Does his car get more than sixty miles per gallon?
* Does the label on his deodorant include the phrase "Industrial
Strength?"
* Has he memorized the telephone number of at least one bail-bondsman?
T T T T T
indianagene
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the
mail that had illegible addresses..
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual
address.
He thought he should open it to see what
it was about. The letter read:
"Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money
I had until my next pension payment.
Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner.
Without that money,
I have nothing to buy food with, have no
family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely, Edna"
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the
other workers.
Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put
into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the
dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and
went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady
to God.
All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:
"Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?
Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for
my friends. We
had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it might have been those
bastards at the post office.
Sincerely, Edna"
T T T T T
Still Life
by Joy Fielding
"New York Times bestselling author Joy Fielding delivers a riveting tale of suspense about a young woman caught in a nightmare somewhere between life and death. Beautiful, happily married, and the owner of a successful interior design business, Casey Marshall couldn't be more content with her life, until a car slams into her at almost fifty miles an hour, breaking nearly every bone in her body and plunging her into a coma. Lying in her hospital bed, Casey realizes that although she is unable to see or communicate, she can hear everything........."
There's more but reading too much ahead of time gives a lot of information away
that you should enjoy while reading the book. I loved this book. Time and time again you
will picture yourself in Casey's predicament and wonder how tragic and helpless you would feel!
It really is a good book and I recommend it.
T T T T T
Fred, my husband, was
playing golf with our town's fire chief
when he hit a ball into the rough. As Fred headed for the brush to
find his ball, the chief warned him, "Be careful, the rattlesnakes are
out."
The chief explained that calls had been coming in all week
requesting assistance with removing the snakes.
"You've got to be kidding," Fred replied in astonish-
ment. "People actually call the fire department to help them with
rattlesnakes? What do you say to them?"
"Well," said the chief, "the first thing I ask is, 'Is it on
fire?'"
T T T T T
Confucius: Man who speaks with forked tongue should not kiss balloons.
T T T T T
Virg297
T T T T T
Every time he sees a fly he utters,
"fucking flies, fucking flies."
Just as the boy says it a shocked priest walks up and says, "You
should not curse the flies because every one of God's creations
has a purpose."
The little boy, unmoved by the priest's objection says, "bullshit."
"Well tell me 3 things on this earth that God has made without a
cause" says the priest.
The boy looks at him with a grin and replies, "Tits on a nun,
balls on a priest, and these fucking flies."
T T T T T
BADVETTE87
|
George
Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.
T T T T T
T T T T T
I went to a
dinner party last night. I awoke this morning not
T T T T T
BillieJo50
A man was sunbathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.
A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat." He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself."
T T T T T
At a dinner party, several of the
guests were arguing whether men or
T T T T T
indianagene
|
T T T T T
Q: Have you heard about McDonalds new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
T T T T T
NOTE FROM CHRIS:
Complete with artificial intelligence
and
flesh-like synthetic skin, ROXXXY the sex
robot
is a dream come true -- for nerdy losers, that is.
Heeeeeeeeeeere's Roxxxy: http://snipurl.com/roxxxy
The Top 14 Romance Movies Starring Sex Robots
copyright chris white topfive.com (Part
II)
14> Cat on a Hot Tin Dude
13> Seven Droids for Seven Brothels
12> Bob & Carol & Ted & Robby
11> Rebooting Sarah Marshall
10> There's Something About Rusty
9> Brokebolt Mounting
8> To Servo With Love
7> Annie HAL
6> You've Got Male Model G-6000 Deluxe
5> 9 1/2 Wiis
4> Beyond the Green Podbay Door
3> Four Weldings and a Funnel
2> He's Just Not That Into USB
and
Topfive.com's Number 1
Romance Movie Starring
Sex Robots...
1> Endless Lube
T T T T T
T T T T T
docjrx
During a recent password audit at our
company, it was found that a
blonde receptionist was using the following
password:
"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"
When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told
that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.
T T T T T
A Scottish private walked into the pharmacy near his base, pulled
a beat-up, mutilated condom out of his pocket, and asked the
pharmacist how much it would cost to repair the condom.
The pharmacist replied that including replacing the band and spot
welding the holes, it would cost 26 pence, but that for 29 pence,
he could sell the private a new one.
The private said, "Aye, that is a weighty decision, I shall be
back in two hours with an answer." Two hours later, the Scotsman
returns and said, "The regiment has voted to replace."
T T T T T
Can You See What I See > Play Free Now! | GameHouse
Help an unfortunate shop owner save his collectibles shop in this original take on hidden object fun! Meet poor Clyde Curfuffle. He's suffered a fire, a flood, and a nasty fall that's left him in the hospital. This horrible string of bad luck means there's no one to run his fabulous shop! One of Clyde's favorite collectibles may sell for a lot of money, and he could really use a bit of good fortune, but you have to find out which one! Fill orders, find rare items, and solve a secret code to unravel a mystery that will save the day in level after level of stunning hidden object challenges. A unique treat for the entire family, Can You See What I See? is full of eye-popping fun!
Fiona Finch and the Finest Flowers > Play Free Now! | GameHouse
Become the best gardener around in Fiona Finch and the Finest Flowers, a colorful competition to become a gardening champion!
Play BATTLESHIP Online,
a Free BATTLESHIP Online Board Game | Pogo Games
This a fun game and now it's on pogo.com! *BOOM*!
T T T T T
After a long day of being called upon to visit an endless series
of horses and cows with sore legs, I finally returned to the animal
clinic. Although exhausted, I discovered I had a slow leak in one
of my truck tires, so I drove over to get it fixed at the local
service station. The mechanic knew immediately he was dealing with
one very tired veterinarian after I carefully explained to him,
"My truck seems to be lame in the right hind tire."
"Just the other day I sent the
girlfriend a huge pile of snow...I
rang her up and said, 'Did you get my drift?'"
T T T T T
Storming Into the drugstore first thing Monday morning, the young man slammed
a carton and a receipt down on the
counter.
"I came In here on Friday and purchased twelve dozen condoms," he
yelled at the
druggist. "Well I counted them.
There's only eleven dozen here."
Regarding the man square in the eye, the druggist said contritely,
"So sorry sir, to have ruined your weekend.
T T T T T
T T T T T
A cowboy went to buy an insurance policy and the agent asked,
"Have you ever had an accident?"
"Nope," replied the cowboy, "but last summer, a bronco kicked in
two of my ribs...and a couple of years ago, a rattlesnake bit me
on the ankle."
"Wouldn't you call those accidents?" quizzed the puzzled agent.
"Naw," the cowboy replied. "They did it on purpose!"
T T T T T
Having grown up in a small Alabama
town, my friend James
couldn't wait to tell us all about life in California, where
he was stationed. "The malls are massive, and the restaurants
are great," he said. Then he grinned. "I even went to a topless
bar."
"Really?" said his mother,
surprised. "What do they do if
it starts to rain?"
T T T T T
DeVulcano
T T T T T
*Groaner Alert*
A veterinarian was also an amateur
geneticist. One day, one of
his experiments paid off. He successfully combined the DNA of a
cantaloupe with that of a dog. The result was a small, round dog
with orange-tinted fur. For many years, the dog was happy. But over
time, he became lethargic and morose. The vet tried everything to
cure the dog's depression. Eventually, he decided to take the dog
to a pet psychiatrist. The psychiatrist told the veterinarian not
to worry. The dog was just a little melon collie.
T T T T T
Detective: How did you get into counterfeiting?
Criminal: I answered an ad that said, "Make money at home.
T T T T T
--==++ News Headlines from the National
Probe ++==--
Madonna Proves Over-the-Hill Middle-Aged Women Can Help Haiti
Without Adoption
Prospect of Future Tonight Show Host Gig Excites Both
Jimmy Fallon Show Viewers
Supreme Court Split Along Party, Brain Hemisphere, Dementia
Level Lines
New Simplified Governmental Nutritional Guidelines: Tastes Good?
It's Bad for You!
Theologists Up in Arms After Dyslexic Student Claim That God
Ate His Homework
T
T T T T
DeVulcano
2. ~*~ Note For You - Flash ~*~
Not many songs out there are pretty as this one
MMoJoy
Sweet thoughts for a friend
Virg297
Darlin' Friend Of Mine God gives us many blessings
T T T T T
Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.
T
T T T T
Finishing up our work at a trade show in San Diego, my co-worker
Maureen and I decided to go sightseeing across the border in
Tijuana, Mexico. While there, we went shopping and bought a few
pieces of clay kitchenware. As we crossed back into the United
States, a customs official asked if we had anything of value to
report. "Not really," Maureen replied, digging in her bag for
the bean crock she had purchased. Everyone around us froze as she
continued, "I only bought a little pot."
T T T T T
A salesman knocks at the door and a young boy answers. The little
boy says, "Please be quiet, sir. My mother is a prostitute and
works all night. She sleeps during the day."
The salesman scratches his head and says, "Well, I'll be a son of
a bitch"
The little boy replies, "I'm a bastard myself, but I don't go
around ringing people's doorbells and telling them about it."
T T T T T
indianagene
T T T T T
"I just heard that Starbucks
recently raised the prices on almost
all of its popular drinks. A company spokesperson said Starbucks
is confident that people will still buy their coffee, because it
was already way too expensive before."
T T T T T
Anyone who's ever been to a "teaching
hospital" knows to expect
a group of students to descend upon them at any time. At one
such hospital, in the recovery room, a bunch of students gathered
around a beautiful blonde who, even in a gown, was obviously very
well endowed.
Recovery is an excellent place for student doctors to become
familiar with variations in heartbeats while the body comes back
to normal from the operation and the anesthesia.
The first student approached the patient calmly and proceeded to
listen intently to her heartbeat through the stethescope.
The group was silent as he did so. The woman hesitated, then looked
sympathetically into the eyes of the doctor-to-be. Reaching up,
she gently placed the earpieces into his ears.
T T T T T
** Bitter Sweets -- DogAge Tip of the Week <---
Sugar-free sweets are no treat for your dog.
Dog Food and Nutrition – People Foods: Are They Safe? -- DogAge Health Information
There is much controversy over what dogs should eat for canine health, proper nutrition and wellness. Some groups believe that feeding dogs raw red meat and bones is the best; some groups believe natural homemade dog food is best; others will claim any dog food will do. Read what
DogAge recommends!
FAQ's - Microchip - Department of Animal Care & Control
Questions and answers about having microchips placed in your pets.
It's a fantastic idea, not expensive and it will last as long as your pet does!
Dog People vs. Cat People - Paw Nation
Coke vs. Pepsi. Red states vs. blue states. Team Conan vs. Team Leno. Americans never tire of ways to categorize themselves. Recently, science has taken a closer look at one of the most classic of rivalries: Dog people vs. cat people.
Cesar & Ilusion Millan Foundation
"Many wonderful dogs end up in animal shelters, not because they are bad or unlovable," according to Millan, "but because their owners are just not able to care for them." The Millan Foundation hopes to give families adopting a new dog the basic understanding of dog psychology, so they will be able to work through problem behaviors with their new dog, instead of returning the dog to the shelter.
Top Mistakes by New Cat Owners
Adopting your first cat is a huge step, not to be taken lightly. Although cats have a reputation for taking care of themselves, that fact does not equal "no care is necessary."
Donate, Adopt, Success Stories and more
Martha Stewart's New Chow Chow Puppy - Paw Nation
What a cutie!
$5,000 REWARD to REPORT DOGFIGHTING 1.877.NO2-FITE
You will remain anonymous.
T T T T T
This couple had been going out together for
quite a while and was
thinking about getting married. They finally decided to spend a
night in a motel to see if they were sexually compatible. The
next morning he dropped her off at her apartment and he said,
"So long Lucy." She said, "Goodbye, Shorty."
T T T T T
One way to keep up the spirits of a dwindling
number of survivors
stranded with no food on a freezing mountaintop is to throw a
pretend Mountaintop Ball -- especially if you kick off the gala
with finger sandwiches.
T T T T T
How does that debt counseling service think they're going to
convince me they're legit if they won't accept credit cards?
T T T T T
BillieJo50
T T T
T T
Whenever my teenage daughter comes down the stairs dressed like a
tramp for her date, I think to myself, "Damn, why won't her mother
wear something like that?"
T T T
T T
Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society.
The other is for housing prisoners.
T T T T T
Bald Guys Pickup Lines
"You're beautiful, and that's not just the Rogaine talking."
"I will shower you with gifts with the money I save not buying
shampoo."
"Your eyes are sparkling -- or maybe that's just the glare off my
head."
"Wanna go back to my place and see my squirrel?"
"Wanna buff me?"
T T T T T
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your
60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
T T T T T
Virg297
T T T T T
One day 2 blondes walked into a tanning
salon.
One blonde said, "A tan for 2 please!"
The cashier said, "Ok," filled out a form for them and asked,
"are you two sisters?"
They chuckled and replied, "No, we aren't even Catholic."
T T T T T
On his wedding night Johnson kissed his bride on the forehead,
then rolled over and went to sleep. For the next five nights,
he never got any closer than an occasional peck on the forehead.
Then came Saturday and Johnson left right after dinner to join
the boys down at the poolroom. For his wife, this was the last
straw and she began to pack her things.
A few minutes later, Johnson burst into the room, grabbed his
wife, tore off all her clothes, threw her down on the bed and
began making passionate love to her.
"Why, all of a sudden?" she gasped.
"Well," said Johnson, "the boys down at the poolroom told me
you put out."
T T T T T
Don't pay the doctor to perform these tests and then have to wait
and wait for results. These are performed in your home - mailed to a lab
and you can view the results online! Hallulah!
Nanotechnology to end insulin injections for diabetics - SmartPlanet.com
Insulin injections may soon be a thing of the past for diabetics thanks to nano-technology. At UCSF Professor of bioengineering, Tejal Desai, implants millions of pancreatic cells that secrete insulin into tiny capsules that can be implanted into the body in an effort to create an artificial pancreas. When blood sugar flows inside the capsule, it stimulates the cells to produce insulin to control sugar levels!
Coffee Brims With Health Benefits | ThirdAge Articles
Drink up, coffee lovers. Not only is coffee aromatic and delicious, it's good for you.
Who says? None other than Harvard Medical School.
Once considered questionable for your health, it turns out that the beloved beverage
is actually healthful in moderation. That means a few cups a day.
Long Live Big-Butt Women! | ThirdAge Articles
Those curves are making cardiologists smile. A new study out of Oxford University in England found women with "pear-shaped" figures -- ample extra padding around the hips, buttocks and thighs -- are actually at a lower risk for heart and metabolic diseases. "It is shape that matters and where the fat gathers," said Oxford's Dr. Konstantinos Manolopoulos, explaining that fat stored on the hips and in the rear absorb harmful fatty acids and further prevent arteries from clogging.
Big Benefits Are Seen From Eating Less Salt - NYTimes.com
In a report that may bolster public policy efforts to get Americans to reduce the amount of salt in their diets, scientists writing in The New England Journal of Medicine conclude that lowering the amount of salt people eat by even a small amount could reduce cases of heart disease, stroke and heart attacks as much as reductions in smoking, obesity and cholesterol levels.
I thought this 'salt thing' was already a given!
T T T T T
"The Golden Globes Awards are on this weekend. People say the
Golden Globes is an indicator of what the Academy Awards will be:
long and boring." -David Letterman
Things to think about:
1* I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
2* Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when
you realize you're wrong.
3* I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when
I was younger.
4* The letters T and G are very close to each other on a
keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and
consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase
"Regards" again.
5* There is a great need for sarcasm font.
6* Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger
and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f*** was going on when
I first saw it.
7* How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
8* I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each
hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
9* I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately
clear your computer history if you die.
10* The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying
to finish a text.
11* Was learning cursive really necessary?
12* I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
13* How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you
just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
14* I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars
teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay
strong, brothers!
15* MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty
sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
16* Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you
how the person died.
17* Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never
get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
18* I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
19* Bad decisions and bad experiences make good stories
20* Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier and sluttier every
year?
21* You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment
at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing
anything productive for the rest of the day.
22* There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure
you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
23* I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and
it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research
paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
24* I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then
not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
25* As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate cyclists.
26* Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and
still not know what time it is.
27* It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.
28* I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know
not to answer when they call.
29* Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their
car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the
Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and
push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds,
eyes closed, first time, every time...
T T T T T
"NASA says that a mystery object passed by Earth yesterday
morning. They're not sure what it was, but it missed the Earth by
80,000 miles, so it could have been a Northwest flight." -Jay Leno
T T T T T
BillieJo50
T T T T T
indianagene
|
These days, more and more old folks are
T T T T T
|
T T T T T
Virg297
T T T T T
MMojoy
DUI - SOUTHERN STYLE
From the county where driving while under the influence is considered a
sport, comes this true story.)
Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in HAZARD,
KENTUCKY.
After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently
intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the
parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different
vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it.
He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar
and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off; it was a fine,
dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked
the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few
inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more
minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.
At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out
and drove slowly down the road.
The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up
his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man
over and administered a breathalyzer test.
To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man
had consumed any alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the
police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.'
'I doubt it,' said the truly proud Redneck. 'Tonight, I'm the designated
decoy!'
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DeVulcano
YouTube - Twenty Ten by Lloyd Marcus
Volume UP!
BillieJo50
LoveSongs.com - Alltime Favorite Love Songs Artist
Vote for your alltime favorite love song artist
YouTube - Patrick Henry Hughes
Born with no eyes and unable to walk -- this guy is so very
inspirational!
KP1983
Frank Sinatra - Strangers on my flight
Way cute
indianagene
Brevard Co K9 Pursuit Airborne FLIR
Watch this pursuit of bad guys! Seriously!
2. http://www.wimp.com/classicbloopers
Guaranteed to put a smile on your face!
Band Name Stories: Rascal Flatts - The Boot
Ever wonder how bands get their names? Here are a few!
Kenny Chesney Among the Past Decade's 'Ultimate Performers' - The Boot
Country music is officially one of music's biggest money-makers. Combing the revenue of tours and album sales from 2000-2009, the LA Times compiled a list of the top ten 'Ultimate Performers' of the decade, with three of country's biggest stars making the grade.
Kanye West Fires Back at PETA - The Boombox
Kanye fires back but nothing he said made any sense. He is
SO YESTERDAY. He rambles on and on.
WaltWiso
This is cool photography especially viewed with this sophisticated 360 degree technology.
Use your mouse to move around
Momondo - Cheap flights - Travel Search Engine for low cost and cheap airline tickets
Momondo is a search engine for flights.
"We're not a travel agency, and we don't sell flight tickets.
We simply google flights across sites to make it easy for
you to save time and money"
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NOTE FROM CHRIS:
The Weather Channel is going to start airing movies.
Are you kidding me? And
give up that
fascinating 24/7
weather format?!?
The Top 17 Movies Aired on the Weather
Channel
chris
white topfive.com (Part I)
17> The High-Pressure Ridges of Madison County
16> Sleetless in Seattle
15> Monty Python and the Growing Hail
14> The Fantastic 4cast
13> The Sun Also Rises, at 7:13am
12> Clear and Pleasant Day, Sir
11> Tsunam-E
10> Little Mist, Sunshine
9> All Quiet on the Occluded Front
8> Definitely, Maybe... Hell, Your Guess Is as Good as Ours
7> Snowgirls
6> The Blizzard of Oz
5> Win a Date With Willard Scott!
4> There Will Be Flood
3> Harry Doppler and the Sorcerer's Hail Stone
2> Tsunami Dearest
and
Topfive.com's Number 1
Movie Aired on the Weather
Channel...
1> 'Phoonstruck
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Vir297
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I'd had enough of my employees' abusing
their allotted break time.
In an effort to clarify my position, I posted a sign on the
bulletin board.
It read, "Starting immediately, your 15-minute breaks are being
cut from a half an hour to 20 minutes."
T T T T T
BillieJo50
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indianagene
|
An 18-year-old suicide bomber blew himself up and |
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"Yesterday was Groundhog Day. In fact, when the groundhog
came out of his hole, he didn't even look for his shadow, he
just said he was walking away from his mortgage." -Jay Leno
T T T T T
MMojoy
A 78-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal
results.
The doctor says, 'Harold, everything looks great. How are you
doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?'
Harold replies, 'God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight,
so he's fixed it for when I get up in the middle of the night to go to
the bathroom, *poof*!, the light goes on. When I'm done,
*poof*!, the light goes off.'
'Wow, that's incredible,' the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Harold's wife. ' Winona,' he says,
'Harold is doing fine but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his
relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof
*!, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, *poof*! the light
goes off?'
'OH MY GAWD!' Winona
exclaims. 'He's peeing in the fridge again!!!!'
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T T T T T
A distraught dog owner called his vet pleading
for an immediate
appointment. He explained that his dog had a large growth or
swelling near the corner of its mouth. The vet told him to bring
the animal right over.
When the man came in, the vet examined the dog as the man stood
by, anxiously waiting. At last the vet turned to him and asked,
"Do you have any children?"
"Oh, good grief, is it contagious?" the man gasped.
"No," the doctor answered. "It's bubble gum."
T T T T T
Ed was driving along a country road when his car stalled in the
middle of nowhere. He was overjoyed when a truck pulled up and
the driver asked, "Want a free tow?" As Ed approached the truck,
the driver tossed him a bag of snack food and sped away.
T T T T T
"Get this," said one drinker to his friends at the bar, "Last
night while I was here with you guys, a burglar broke into my house.
"Did he get anything?" his friends asked.
"Yeah, a broken jaw, two teeth knocked out, and a pair of
broken nuts. The wife thought it was me coming home drunk."
T T T T T
Remove pet hair and stains
Caring for the Kitchen Workhorse - Cleaning Your Fridge - Homekeeping - MarthaStewart.com
The refrigerator is one of the hardest working appliances in your home -- and one that often takes a beating. It's subject to spills, varied odors, and overcrowding, and it's the one appliance that never gets a rest. A clean refrigerator promises to keep food fresher, so do your best to maintain the cleanliness of this kitchen workhorse.
Adding Detergent - Dishwasher Dos and Don'ts - Homekeeping - MarthaStewart.com
DO use only the recommended amount of detergent -- too much can leave behind a residue, and too little can result in dirty dishes.
A Minute a Day - Bathroom Cleaning Tips - Homekeeping - MarthaStewart.com
Learn simple techniques for keeping your bathroom sparkling. Start by tossing harsh scouring powder for the tub. It is too abrasive to use regularly. After showering, take a minute to wipe down the tub and faucets with a terry-cloth towel to help remove soap scum and prevent mineral deposits.
T T T T T
If you have ever used an electric fence you
should read this
If you don't laugh hysterically at this,...CHECK YOUR PULSE...this
is funny....and true. This was sent by a retired dentist.
We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few
months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in
the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got
an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.
Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had,
made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod,
and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key,
with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.
One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big
wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the
yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the
mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out
of the way. It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it
after all.
Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right
hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in
mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a
picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover............ Time
stood still.
The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front
side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the
lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time
that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my
head. I was literally at one with the engine.
It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower
were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I
beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels
emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was
a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and
you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3
times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality
it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big
block Chevy turning 8 grand.
At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding
onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm
down so I can't let go.. I grew up on a farm so I know all about
electric fences ... but Dad always had those piece of shit chargers
made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just
kinda tickled.
This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now
accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river
bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just
man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!
Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a
loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race
cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest
I think 'Oh God, please die ....Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it
settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there,
like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command
from its owner's right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity,
standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not
take me that day ...he left me there covered in my own fluids to
writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire ...I woke up
laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me,
out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.
There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing,
and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid
while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I
finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow
let go of the wire.
Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:
1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt
cheek (not the left, just the right).
3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as
bad as you might think.
4- My left eye will not open.
5- My right eye will not close.
6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think
our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something,
because it was better than new after that.
7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.
8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking
of the number 4 (still don't understand this???).
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for
things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always
triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence,
I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him,
and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also
reminds me to triple check before I mow.
T T T T T
GuysBabi
T T T T T
The Top 9 Animal Social Networking Sites
copyright chris white topfive.com
9> Ninth Life
8> Tweeter
7> JayDate
6> Yahoo! Groupers
5> Facebawk
4> InHeatOrNot
3> Lickr
2> eFarmony
and the Number 1 Animal Social Networking Site...
1> RearEndster
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Gardening Tip of the Week
Organizing Seed Packets I always put a mailing label on the outside of my seed envelopes, mark the date they need to be planted by, and whether or not the seeds should be soaked to quicken the seeding process. Then I file them in a box by the date they should be started
5 Tips for Starting Seeds Indoors
Starting Seeds - 6 Tips on Successfully Starting Seeds
Starting seeds indoors can be frustrating, exhilarating or sometimes a little of both. As someone who has serially killed hundreds, maybe thousands of innocent seedlings, by using these techniques, I've increased my success rate in starting seeds successfully
Attracting Hummingbirds
It's always a treat to see a hummingbird make its way through your garden.
You can't help but stop what you're doing to watch their constant darting
motion. About's Landscaping Guide has some tips for luring these fascinating
creatures to our gardens by planting their favorites. As a bonus, many of these
plants butterfly favorites too! So plant some flowers to attract
hummingbirds... Read
more
T T T T T
Google's first cell phone, the Nexus
One, has
left a string of unhappy customers in its
wake
after it's debut a few weeks ago.
Complaints
include spotty 3G connectivity, a high
early
termination fee, poor customer support
from
Google and problems with the
touchscreen.
The Top 13 Biggest Complaints About the New Google Phone
13> The color scheme clashes unmercifully with your pocket protector.
12> No matter what you're searching for, it keeps responding
with, "I can see your house from here."
11> The numeric keypad is in alphabetical order.
10> If you try to use Bing, it Tases you, then automatically
dials the FCC Monopoly Reporting Hotline.
9> When you search for your new boyfriend's number, it only
returns: "You could do better."
8> Default "Ch-ching!" ringtone.
7> That voice saying, "Wrong app, loser!" gets annoying after
awhile.
6> It's uncomfortable wearing those 3G glasses.
5> If you hold it in your hand and drive 88 mph, you don't
travel through time.
4> Whenever you hit the speed dial for "Dad" it keeps ringing
up Wilbur, the neighbor down the street.
3> Blocks all calls for Chinese take-out.
2> Phone keeps asking if you want to play a game of Global
Thermonuclear War.
and Topfive.com's
Number 1 Biggest
Complaint About the New Google Phone...
1> Every time you hit "I'm Feeling Lucky," it dials Tiger Woods.
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T T
Nude Beach Guide to the World with Photos
Lots of pictures!
Curly Fans
Hot Licks
Hold Them
On The Fence
Call Me
At The Park
Curly Fan
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Rockin' and Rollin' makes no endorsement or warranty, expressed or
implied, with regard
to featured products or services. Results may vary based on operating
systems and other variables beyond our control
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Another issue on it's way to YOU! and another one already in the making!
So meet us back
here next week, same time - same place
but remember, no matter where you are or what you are doing,
never,
ever,
EVER
forget to
keep on rockin'
it's a state of mind
v v v v v
©1999 - 2010 - Deborah Austin - All rights
reserved and held by Rockin' and Rollin'
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