Editor:
DebsSweet
Graphic Editors: Ditziexx, LuvintheCountry,
CrispySue, kittykab
Merry Christmas!
Out of the tens of thousands of you, only one emailed to
complain about too many Obama toons, jokes, etc. I am so glad
she wrote because I always want to hear opinions.
I figure I have the right to put what I want in the newsletter
and I also feel that way since my family was very political (grandfather in
Senate 4 terms - 16 years and father in local government) - and since I
pay the bills for this site and my webmaster. As long as the Pro's outweigh
the Cons on Obama, then you'll probably see about the same amount
of things. Please try to remember, the Dems butchered President
Bush all those years --- it's doesn't feel so hot when these things are
directed towards the President *you* like eh?
Yes, my AOL program has crashed - AOL was to add a new program to
my computer NOT replace the one I have. I am an AOL Beta Tester so I know
the program inside and out. YEP lost my newsletters but I hadn't prepared
many of them so I won't whine yet again LOL
I have figured that in 10 years, AOL crashes once a year on me.
I totally expect it now!
The next issue will undoubtedly be short.
I wish you all the very happiest of holiday seasons no matter
your religion. For me, it's Merry Christmas!
Be careful when surfing the Internet.
I have checked EACH link submitted to you and
they are in working
order as of this posting. (oh except not the XXX ones)
Always be aware of the risks out there and keep
current with your
anti-virus and adware removal software!
If you would like to SIGN UP or BE REMOVED (sure, remove yourself, break my
heart
and force me into therapy for life) from this mailing list, please send an
email
to me and your request will be handled promptly or whenever I feel
like it
Kick up your feet and put your problems behind you cause darlin' it's time to
ROCK AND ROLL!
and don't forget to buckle your seatbelts, cause it's going to be a wild
ride!
"'RE: Obama humor. Enough is enough of this low brow type of stuff"
LilyPadRJ
1 person emailed me out of tens of thousands of you on my mailing list.
This is the ONLY negative email I received.
T T T T T
The Top 15 Least-Loved Holiday Songs
Part Two - (Part One was in the crashed AOL program - yeah - thanks AOL)
topfive.com chriswhite copyright
15> Christmas Time is Here Again (Except for You, You Little Jew)
14> Angels We Have Heard While High
13> You're a Mean One, Mr. Beck
12> O Come, All Ye Hateful
11> I'm Dreaming of a Chris Whitemas
10> It Came Upon a Midnight Blue Dress
9> Confess, You Merry Suspected Terrorist!
8> All I Want for Christmas Is an Xbox 360, Xbox Live Membership,
Wireless Controllers... Hey Dad, Aren't You Going to
Write This Down?
7> Yellow Snow! Yellow Snow! Yellow Snow!
6> You Forgot the Air Holes for Junior's Puppy!
5> Even a Caveman Can Hear What I Hear
4> Jed's Nuts Roasting on a Burning Tire
3> Hydrant Got Run Over by a Tiger
2> Who Let the Elves Out?
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Least-Loved Holiday Song...
1> God Bless Ye, Hefty Breast Implants
T T T T T
T T T T T
Virg297
This
quote below is from the Australian Shooter Magazine
"If you consider that there has been an average of 160,000 troops in the
Iraq Theater of operations during the past 22 months, and a total of
2112 deaths, that gives a firearm death rate of 60 per 100,000 soldiers. The
firearm death rate in Washington , DC is 80.6 per 100,000 for the same
period. That means you are about 25 per cent more likely to be shot and
killed in the US capital, which has some of the strictest gun
control laws in the US , than you are in Iraq .
Conclusion: "The US should pull out of Washington."
T T T T T
T T T T T
Twas The night before Christmas,
And all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring,
So I took their stereo
T T T T T
A woman was sick of her husband's drinking, so she decided
to
teach him a lesson. She dressed up like Satan, and when her
husband returned home from another bender, she jumped out from
behind the sofa and screamed.
"You don't scare me," the man said, looking her over calmly.
"I married your sister."
T T T T T
Dear Santa,
'This year please send clothes for all those poor ladies in
Dad's computer'
T T T T T
T T T T T
A cop
stops his patrol car when he sees a couple sitting on the curb.
The guy is laying on his side with his pants pulled down, the girl has her
finger in his asshole, and she's reaming away with a vengeance.
The cop says, "What the hell is going on here?"
The girl says, "This is my date. When I told him I wouldn't spend the
night with him, he started pouring down the booze. Now, he's too drunk to drive
me home, so I'm trying to sober him up by making him puke."
The cop says, "That's not gonna make him puke."
She says, "Yeah? Wait till I put this finger in his mouth."
T T T T T
You took
out a second mortgage to pay for your "nine ladies
dancing," and I'm not even sure Lady GaGa counts.
T T T T T
T T T T T
The Old Country Boy's Rules For Fighting A Skunk:
# 1 Pick a young skunk
# 2 Make sure he is downwind
# 3 get a 12-gauge double-barreled shotgun loaded with double
ought shells
# 4 Better still, get a 30:06 with a scope - you can stand
further away
# 5 on second thought, don't pick a fight with a skunk - there's
a good chance something will go wrong, you'll lose & end up with
a pocket full of stink
The above rules apply equally well for dealing with politicians
T T T T T
Christmas Games - Games at Miniclip.com - Play Free Games
All kinds of games here
Play Games - Free Online Games at AddictingGames!
Uh huh - more games
Play Free Online Games, Internet Games, and Free Games | Pogo Games
My favorite game site -- join Club Pogo if you want! I love it
T T T T T
Old people shouldn't eat health foods. They need all the
preservatives they can get
T T T T T
Shame on you, Tiger Woods!
Tiger
Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now
he has a hole in one.
The tabloids are chock full of stories about Tiger Woods and
various women. He wrote on his Web site today that he was guilty
of 'transgressions' - which is a classy way of saying some of his
foursomes were actually threesomes.
Last words Tiger said before his wife lost it: "Honey I was just
working on my stroke because I was having trouble with my puts."
Apparently the police asked Tiger's wife how many times she hit
him. She said "I don't know exactly... but put me down for a
5." What did Tiger Woods' wife do with the leftover turkey from
Thanksgiving dinner? She made him a club sandwich.
New Nike motto: Just do me.
Breaking News. Doctors at the hospital report finding an imprint
of a 7 iron up side Tiger's head. Must have been leaning on the
glass when the wife broke the window out.
"Crouching Tiger, hidden hydrant"
What does Tiger Woods have in common with a baby seal? They both
get clubbed by Norwegians.
What's Elin's favorite household chore? Ironing!
Tiger can keep his driver out of the sand, he just can't keep it
out of the bush.
Ping has a new set of irons called Elins ... clubs you can beat Tiger with.
That's the first time Tiger Woods has failed to drive 300 yards
Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree ... he couldn't
decide between a wood and an iron. Perhaps Tiger should have used a driver.
I find it's a nightmare driving at 2.05am: sometimes you can't
see the Woods for the trees.
Tiger's wife went for him after he scored a birdie.
What was the second worst part of Tiger's car accident? The police
found the driver in the trunk. What was Tiger driving? Cadillac
Escapade?
We now see that Tiger Woods drives very well on the fairway but
doesn't fare very well on the driveway
What is the difference between a Thief and Tiger Woods? A thief
Snatches Watches.
Elin announced this morning she will forgive him, if he'll change
his name to Cheeta !!
"Tiger WOODS" (plural): the most revealing name in sports since
Dick Trickle's short track career.
What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the
morning? They went clubbing.
What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can
drive a ball 400 yards.
Tiger Woods wasn't seriously injured in the crash, but he's still
below par.
Apparently, the only person who can beat Tiger Woods with a golf
club is his wife. Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a
tree. He couldn't decide between a wood and an iron.
Tiger just hates it when he drives, and then his balls hit a tree.
Elin Nordegren got hired today as a consultant. She's teaching
Phil Mickelson how to beat Tiger.
Tiger's confused. Every other time he made a hole-in-one, everyone
was all happy about it.
Tiger said the fault of the accident was his Escalade. It's typical
of a golfer-always blame the caddy.
Tiger's car still runs, but it goes "putt, putt, putt..."
What is the difference between the Barnham & Bailey Circus and
Tiger Wood's mistresses? The Circus is a Cunning Array of Stunts.
For each transgression, Tiger earned a two-stroke penalty.
T T T T T
T T T T T
A couple that just met in a singles bar is having
sex. The girl
asks, "You haven't got AIDS have you?" He replies, "No."
She
responds, "Oh, thank goodness, I don't want to get that again!"
Warning
Signs of Insanity.....
You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island, because
they weren't rescued.
Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on
it, and you tell him it's for security reasons.
When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another
room to tell him, because "the napkins have ears."
You tend to agree with everything your mother's dead uncle tells you.
You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a
koala or to be loved by an infectious disease.
T T T T T
ASPCA - Virtual Pet Behaviorist
Some house trained dogs show obvious signs when they need to go out, like scratching or barking at the door. But others aren’t as adept at telling people when they need to relieve themselves. They know that outside is the place to go, but they can’t figure out how to get there.
Allergic Reactions: Hives (Urticaria) and Swelling of the Face (Angioedema) in Dogs
Does one or more of your pets have allergies? One of my dogs has
experienced this in the last week - twice. He goes back to the vet in a few
days. Bless his heart.
Precious! Holiday pet crafts
** Why One Veterinarian Quit, Disgusted With a Profession He Once Revered - Paw Nation **
"Potential goldmine" -- it IS a goldmine!! Approximately 14 years ago, surgery
was performed on the back of one of my pekes. $3,000 THEN!! I took
Taylor (7 year old Chi) to ER Friday night for swollen eye - turned out to be an
allergic reaction to ?? and that simple little trip was $230. Yes, I will
pay just about anything for my 'babies' and they know it.
Great App for your iPhone
5 Great iPhone Apps for Pet Owners
A must for pet owners/iPhone users
Got Pets?
Ask our experts about your furry, feathered and finned friends
weekdays from 8 p.m. to 9 p.m. ET! Call 866-675-6675.
(Martha Stewart)
T T T T T
Why is a launderette not a good place to find a girlfriend?
If she cannot even afford to buy
her own washing
machine, she will never have enough money to support you.
T T T T T
PERVERTED CHRISTMAS
POEM
Thoughts of you this Christmas
freely flood my kinky mind.
I thank the world for you, babe,
so caring, sweet and kind.
My wet, dripping kisses
cross your juicy, little lips.
You smile as my hands go down
your shapely legs and hips.
I hung a thousand Mistletoe,
so we'll be kissing all night.
And you bending over like that
is such a gorgeous sight.
Holidays spent without you
are, without a doubt, the pits.
So join me by the Merry Ole Tree
so I can grab your gifts.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, honey!
I'll be fondly waiting to lick your body.
T T T T T
T T T T T
Which is Best?
CONTROVERSY: Should the tree be real or fake?
YUPPIE: Live tree, planted after use
MALE: Fake tree, discarded after use
FEMALE: Grow tree in house, adorned with fruits
REALITY: Fake tree stays up until May, adorned with fur-balls
CONTROVERSY: Should tree lights twinkle or stay constant?
YUPPIE: Each bulb blinks to its own random rhythm
MALE: Bulbs flash logo of football team
FEMALE: Elegant flickering candles
REALITY: Tree bursts into flames, burns house down
CONTROVERSY: Should tree be topped with an angel or a star?
YUPPIE: Gender-neutral angel; no submissive female stereotype
MALE: Blonde angel, kneeling, in a wet T-shirt
FEMALE: Authentic angel explains true meaning of Christmas
REALITY: Hell's Angel steals the tree and the gifts
CONTROVERSY: Do ya fling or hang tinsel?
YUPPIE: Empower each strand w/self-determining skills
MALE: Six large clumps of tinsel on front of tree
FEMALE: Each icicle hangs like strand of delicate artwork
REALITY: More icicles on floor than on tree
CONTROVERSY: Do ya open gifts on Christmas Eve or morning?
YUPPIE: Gifts opened on posted, individual schedules so all enjoy surprise
MALE: Anytime, just so it doesn't interfere with football
FEMALE: Anytime the entire family is present
REALITY: Doesn't matter, everyone's peeked anyway
CONTROVERSY: Ham or Turkey for Christmas Dinner
YUPPIE: Baked Tofu Balls stuffed with wheat germ
MALE: Anything, as long as there's plenty of both it - and beer
FEMALE: A meal the entire family plans and prepares
REALITY: Chinese carry-out or McDonald's
T T T T T
T T T T T
The Top
16 Pet Peeves of Santa
(Part I)
16> Screw the cookies and milk, you cheapskates -- Santa wants
steak and single-malt Scotch!
15> Elves who show up late for work because they're pulling
double-shifts at Keebler's.
14> Kids nowadays keep greeting him with "Hagrid!"
13> Yes, Rihanna, there really is a Santa Claus -- but an
ass-whooping on Chris Brown is not his department.
12> Tolkien's elves are sensual, willowy hotties. I get short,
nasal assembly line workers.
11> The weather ain't the only thing at the North Pole that's frigid.
10> Having to look at the business end of reindeer exhaust systems all night
long.
9> Having to put his ZZ Top tribute band on hold for holidays.
8> Dodging bullets from crazy Alaskan chicks who keep mistaking
reindeer for moose.
7> Sleighmorrhoids.
6> Friggin' FAA installed a smoke detector in the sleigh's bathroom.
5> Global warming is killing off the reindeer population,
and water buffalo and hippos haven't tested out very well.
4> Every year, Ted Nugent waits on his roof with his crossbow
and a yen for venison.
3> Ever try to get reindeer poop out of red velvet?
2> Recently got distracted by his new computer-based scheduling
program and flew the sled 150 miles past the North Pole.
and Topfive.com's Pet Peeve of Santa...
1> You know that funny email that uses physics to prove
I can't fly around the world in one night? I've only
seen it FIFTY BILLION TIMES!!!
T T T T T
Don't you
find it very interesting that after Monday (M) and Tuesday (T),
The rest of week says WTF?!
T T T T T
Add These to Your Veggies for Extra Energy - Health Tip - realage.com
Green beans, broccoli, squash . . . eke out a little extra get-through-the-day energy from them with this topper: toasted sesame seeds.
A Taco Filling Your Liver Will Love - Health Tip - realage.com
Tacos -- quick and easy, and a treat for your liver if you skip the ground beef and use this filling instead: winter squash. Yep, not only do butternut and acorn squash make a hearty, healthful taco base, but new research suggests that this kind of ingredient swap -- trading high-cholesterol foods for healthy carbs -- could mean less risk of liver disease, too.
The Ideal Grocery List for Women | ThirdAge Articles
A, C, and D are not just letters of the alphabet. In nutritional terms, they're vital nutrients for women. These are vitamins found in healthy food choices are just one way that women can meet their special nutritional needs throughout life, according to Taking Off Pounds Sensibly (TOPS), an international, nonprofit organization for weight loss.
Food Additives: The "Natural" Fake-Out - realage.com
Your busy schedule has about as much give as an overbooked flight at Thanksgiving. So you rely on processed foods every now and then (maybe even airplane snacks). We know that. But if you are thinking the way to keep your diet more wholesome than Mister Rogers' Neighborhood reruns is to focus on natural additives instead of artificial ones, you must think the food companies only want you to stay healthy.
Please check this out!
T T T T T
I just
applied for planning permission for a new-build house.
It was going to be 100 ft tall and 400 ft wide with nine turrets
at various heights and windows all over the place. It would have
parking for 200 cars and I was going to paint it snot green.
The council told me to fuck off. So I sent in the application again,
but this time I called it a Mosque. Building work starts on Monday.
T T T T T
T T T T T
SIGNS YOU’RE SICK
OF THE HOLIDAYS
You've got red and green bags under your eyes.
You're serving reindeer potpie.
When you hear, "Sleigh bells ring, are you listenin'?" you scream,
"No! You big asshole I'm not listening!"
You climb on your roof and start shooting carolers in the ass with your BB gun.
You think you hear your Christmas tree taunting you.
Instead of spending time with family, you're watching some guy make
photocopies.
You're busted for running through town wearing nothing but mistletoe.
You've got eggnog coming out of your ears.
Your standard response, "And happy holidays to you too, you bastard"
Two words: tinsel rash.
Even with your eyes closed you see flashing Christmas lights.
You feel like punching the next bastard that says "Ho, ho, ho"
You want to piss in the Salvation Army pot.
You replace all the batteries in the kid’s new toys with dead ones.
You put a Santa Claus headstone on your lawn to scare the kids.
T T T T T
BillieJo50
Reynolds Parchment Paper recipes for cookies, cakes, brownies, breads, appetizers and main dishes
Tons of recipes - cookie swap ideas, coupons and more!
ElfYourself by OfficeMax - Powered by
JibJab
Way too funny! Upload any picture, choose a dance -- omg this is great for smiles
Hands-on: B&N Nook is the king of connectivity and content | The Mobile Gadgeteer | ZDNet.com
Wonderful video on exactly how the Nook works -- I am seriously thinking
about getting this! I love technology! I already read all my books on the Amazon
App for iPhone. SO easy!
Old Saint Nicked - December 19, 2008
Check out the mug shots of 'Santa' LOL
Drunk
Santa
Kris Kringle is krunk
Physics Book Found in Tiger's SUV Surges in Popularity -- Back Porch FanHouse
Book found in Tiger's car - - everyone is buying it. Looks horribly boring to me!
Watch it Shred! SSI Shredding Demonstrations
I guarantee you won't believe your eyes - this scary thing will shred
anything -- an engine block? No problem!
Virg297
I don't know if I have posted this link -= rather I know I did but I don't know
if it was in the one of the issues that I lost. Hope you'll bear with the repeats
if there are some.
harlmilligan
Interactive fun for the whole family
Chocolate gingerbread from Martha Stewart
McDonalds Will Be Offering Free Wi-Fi Starting In January, 2010 ~ The Blade by Ron Schenone, MVP McDonald’s will be opening up their golden arches to free wi-fi starting in January, 2010. The king of burgers made the announcement that they would scrape their pay plan and opt for free Internet access via a deal with AT&T. Now that McDonald’s has announced a free Internet it most likely will force other chains to begin offering a free service as well.
Citigroup Gets IRS Break - Did You? ~ ThermionicEmissions
Miscellaneous rantings on life, guitars, linux, gov’t idiocy, tubes, and stupid people
T T T T T
Booze Brownies
1 (21 oz.) fudge brownie mix (or brownies made
from your favorite recipe)
1/4 cup bourbon
1 cup butter
3 Tablespoons rum
2 cups powdered sugar
1 cup chocolate chips
1 Tablespoon solid vegetable shortening
Bake brownies according to package directions.
Drizzle brownies with bourbon as soon as they are removed from the oven;
refrigerate.
Cream butter, rum and powdered sugar. Spread on cooled brownies. Refrigerate
again.
When cold, melt chocolate chips and shortening. Spread or drizzle quickly on
top of brownies. Chill.
T T T T T
T T T T T
My sister-in-law Bonnie was very busy getting her house clean. She'd
finally gotten to the basement and after quite a few trips up and
down she heard the telephone ring upstairs. Tiredly, she ran back
up the stairs only to hear a solicitor on the other end. "Hello,
is this Bonnie Diamond?" "Yes." "We are calling people in
your area
and would like to know if you would help us by participating in a
brief survey." Without missing a beat, she told them... "I'm very
busy right now. You will have to survey your own briefs." Click.
T T T T T
No one can fracture a Christmas carol
better than a kid.
Sing along with these
new takes on old favorites:
* Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly
* We three kings of porridge and tar
* On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me
* Later on we'll perspire, as we dream by the fire.
* He's makin' a list, chicken and rice.
* Noel. Noel, Barney's the king of Israel.
* With the jelly toast proclaim
* Olive, the other reindeer.
* Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say
* Sleep in heavenly peas
* In the meadow we can build a snowman, Then pretend
that he is sparse and brown
* You'll go down in listerine
* Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and
hay
* Come, froggy faithful
* You'll tell Carol, "Be a skunk, I require"
* Good tidings we bring to you and your kid
T T T T T
Let's give mamograms to 250 women in need
and make it a true season of giving!
The
Breast Cancer Site : Fund Mammograms for Free
Your daily click costs you nothing but means the world to someone in need -
Every click helps give hope for survival -- spread the word!
T T T T T
The 12 Kinky Days of XX-Mas
Day 1: A Spanking Over the Knee
Day 2: Two Back Rubs
Day 3: Three French Kisses
Day 4: Four Friendly Girls
Day 5: Five Nipple Rings
Day 6: Six Balls A Clickin
Day 7: Seven Screaming Orgasms
Day 8: Eight Anal Invasions
Day 9: Nine Nipple Clamps
Day 10: Ten Titty Tortures
Day 11: Eleven Naughty Movies
Day 12: Twelve Vibs a Thrusting
T T T T T
Used Car Classifieds Translations
MUST SELL ... before it blows up.
RUNS FINE ... I was going to say "runs excellent" but I had a last
minute attack of conscience.
WELL-MAINTAINED ... I changed the oil occasionally.
LOOKS LIKE NEW ... just don't try to drive it anywhere.
ALL ORIGINAL ... I never had anything fixed, adjusted, or replaced.
LOADED WITH OPTIONS ... each one more troublesome than the next.
NEVER SMOKED IN ... unfortunately, that's the best thing I can say about it.
PROJECT CAR ... doesn't run.
LOTS OF POTENTIAL ... doesn't run.
NEEDS MINOR REPAIR ... doesn't run
T T T T T
T T T T T
I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice-- I don't know if I'm
coming or going.
T T T T T
The
Washington Post suggested today that this party-crashing couple
may have a long history of deceiving people. Well, no wonder they
fit in at the White House. (Jay Leno)
T T T T T
Women in England are undergoing plastic surgery to make their
female reproductive parts more attractive to their men. Apparently
the procedure makes their vagina look like a soccer stadium. (Alex
Kaseberg)
T T T T T
Agents in
airports keep asking if I have anything
on my person that can be used as a
weapon.
What's that about? Have they ALL run out of ammo?
T T T T T
SANTA'S
LITTLE HELPER
3/4 oz Coffee Liqueur
3/4 oz Irish Cream
1 splash Brown Creme de Cocoa
1 splash Grand Marnier
1 1/2 oz Chocolate Syrup
Hot Coffee
Pour liqueurs and chocolate syrup into a coffee mug and
fill with coffee. Top with whipped cream, shaved chocolate and a cherry.
Shady Lady
1 Oz. - Tequila
1 Oz. - Melon Liqueur
4 Oz. - Grapefruit Juice
1 Slice - Lime
1 - Cherry
Combine with ice and stir. Garnish with fruit.
White Trash Mofo
1 part coconut rum
1 part banana liqueur
1 part melon liqueur
1 part orange juice
1 part pineapple juice
Mix over ice.
T T T T T
The following advertisement appeared in a physical culture
magazine:
"Here's a good test for stomach
muscles. Clasp your hands over your head and place
your feet together on the floor. Now bend to the right at the waist as
you sit down to the left of your
feet. Now by sheer muscular control, haul yourself up, bend to the left
and sit down on the floor to the
right of your feet. Keep this up and let us know of the result."
The first letter received by the magazine said
"HERNIA"
T T T T T
Last night I told my girlfriend that I would go to the
end of the world for her, and she said,
"Yes but would you stay there?"
T T T T T
T T T T T
The Top 16 Signs You've Got Too Many Cats
(Part II) chris white topfive.com
16> Cleaning the litter box requires a six-man crew and
supervision from the Army Corps of Engineers.
15> You have to climb into a shark diving cage just to use
the electric can opener.
14> A movie crew is filming the next "Dune" sequel in
your litter box.
13> The new solid oak furniture you bought last week has been
scratched down to just five toothpicks.
12> You can't even find enough room to swing a crazy old lady.
11> You've run out of cute names like "Mr. Bigglesworth" and are
forced to name the new one "Jim."
10> The low-frequency rumbling from all the purring totally freaks
out your San Francisco neighbors.
9> You now communicate entirely in LOLspeak. Which wouldn't be
so bad if you weren't chair of Linguistics at Harvard.
8> PETA reconsiders its position and now favors euthanasia. Of you.
7> Your weekly litter delivery arrives on a flatbed and leaves
with the help of Hazmat engineers.
6> Every morning when you wake up, YOU cough up hairballs.
5> There's more fur on your couch than in a 1970s porn film.
4> TLC has contacted you as a Jon & Kate replacement.
Their proposal: "Judy & Buttons Plus
67."
3> Your Twitter account, @PussyGalore, has nothing to do with
sexual promiscuity or fondness for James Bond films.
2> You've been named in a class-action lawsuit filed by Julie
Newmar, Lee Meriwether, Michelle Pfeiffer, Halle Berry and
the estate of Eartha Kitt.
and Topfive.com's Sign You've Got Too Many Cats...
1> Your friends have stopped-- oh, who are we kidding?
You don't have any friends.
T T T T T
by deb
Standing Still
by Kelly Simmons
Journalist and suburban mom Claire Cooper suffers from panic disorder. Most of her anxieties seem irrational, nothing that can't be fixed with the help of some Xanax. But late one stormy summer night, when her husband, Sam, is away on one of his frequent business trips, Claire's fears come to life. She discovers an intruder has broken into her young daughter's bedroom. She watches helplessly as he picks up her sleeping child from her bed. Desperate to protect her family, Claire puts herself in the line of fire and utters the plea that will undo her: "Take me instead."
As she drives away in the kidnapper's car, Claire fears for her children, but
not for herself. And she can't help noticing the reversal in her marriage --
for the first time in ten years, Sam will not know where she is.
This was a wonderful book - not the same old tired storyline either! Easy read and a lot
of women will understand the fear of having their home broken into - and trying
to protect their child/children. Looking forward to this author writing another book!
T T T T T
Police in Texas seized thousands of ecstasy
tablets with pictures
of Obama's face on them. Drug dealers chose Obama because the
pills make you feel hope and change and then send you off to a
faraway place. (Craig Ferguson)
T T T T T
The newlyweds went on a cruise for their honeymoon and
found
themselves shipwrecked on an island where a tribe of cannibals lived.
Nevertheless, the inhabitants were very welcoming.
In fact, when they found out the couple had just been married,
the cannibals threw a party.
They toasted the bride, then barbecued the groom.
T T T T T
Regular naps prevent old age... especially if you take
them while driving.
T T T T T
A former manager of the New York Yankees once told about a
dream he
had in which he died and went to heaven. There he was ordered to
organize and manage a ball team. He said he was overwhelmed by all
the available talent - Christy Mathewson, Walter Johnson, Rube
Waddell, Babe Ruth, Lou Gehrig, and many other superstars. Just then
the phone rang. It was Satan calling to challenge the heavenly team
to a game. "But you haven't got a chance of winning," said the
manager. "You see I got all the great ball players up here." Satan
explained, "Oh, I know that. But I've got all the umpires!"
T T T T T
The Top 16 Pet Peeves of Santa
(Part II)
16> Without Oprah's sage advice, people will inevitably go back
to buying crappy gifts.
15> The points on elf hats are *precisely* at crotch level.
14> Thick velvet suit hides buns of steel and abs of iron.
13> The never-ending jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle,
jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle of elf shoes.
12> Damn NORAD makes it impossible to linger at Courtney Love's
house without Mrs. Claus finding out.
11> Well-meaning vegans with their soy milk and gluten-free
zucchini-tofu cookies.
10> Even the most talented Elves are incapable of manufacturing
Peace on Earth.
8> Beard crabs.
9> Had to promise that pest Al Gore he'd use some toys to pay
for carbon-offsetting credits.
7> Has to go back to the North Pole and re-load after stopping
at the Gosselin, Suleman and Pitt-Jolie homes.
6> Mrs. Claus doesn't go for "Nick at Nite" -- if you catch
my drift.
5> Thanks to hip-hop, he's had to change the way he laughs so
as to not denigrate women.
4> Blitzen and his traditional Bon Voyage Burrito Lunch on
Christmas Eve.
3> Hard to remember which harness is for the reindeer and
which is for the missus.
2> Due to one little typo decades ago, he never, ever gets what
he really wants: nookies and MILF.
and Topfive.com's Pet Peeve of Santa...
1> Boxers? Briefs? Panties? Jock strap? I tell ya, that Lady Gaga
is a real conundrum.
T T T T T
--==++ Musing With Mitch ++==--
by Mitchell Kobriger
Show me a woman who gives her Waterpik and shower massager men's
names, and I'll show you a gal who's ready to party.
Tommy Chong should do PSAs for the Arthritis Foundation, because
if anyone knows about bad joints, it's him. Ha! I slay me!
Some of my readers have said they think I'm getting too Hollywood.
Let me assure you: I recognize the risk, and have taken steps.
My weird brother Larry was telling me about poker odds the other
night. I mean, who do I look like, Alvin Einstein?
One thing Mitch has in common with Justin Timberlake: our mutual
love of Incan panpipe music.
T T T T T
T T T T T
The Top 20 Movies About Tiger Woods
20> Cheater by the Dozen
19> Scumdog Billionaire
18> It's a Wam Wam Wam Wam World, Thank You Ma'am!
17> Behind the Green Jacket
16> Sleeping With the Enemy, the Beer Cart Girl, the 19th Hole
Cocktail Waitress, the Smokin' Hot Hotel Concierge Babe...
15> MomentHo
14> The Red Shirt Diaries
13> My Big Fat Roman Orgy
12> Seven Brides for One Brother
11> Hounddog Day
10> Married Putter and the iPhone of Secrets
9> The Legend of Dagger Pants
8> Dude, I Wrecked My Car, My Wife Beat Me With a 4-Iron, My
Great Reputation Is Destroyed and Do You Have Brandy's
Number?
7> Dun-Hur
6> The Lovelies Boned
5> Willie Wander and the Chocolate Fantasy
4> Tin Fuh'Cup
3> The Bitches of Eldrick
2> Caddyshag
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Movie About Tiger Woods...
1> Happily Drillmore
T T T T T
When one of the prostitutes passed away, the girls moped
disconsolately around the house.
"Good old Gloria," lamented one. "She could handle twenty men
a night, drink a fifth of whiskey and still have the strength
to roll five drunks."
Hearing this, one of the others burst into tears.
"Why is it," she sobbed, "that a girl has to die before
anyone says anything nice about her?"
T T T T T
T T T T T
The Top 17 Signs You Over-Decorated for the Holidays
17> Donald Trump told CNN it's gauche, Steve Wynn "Tsk"ed
you,
Amy Winehouse said it's tacky, Martha Stewart unsubscribed
you from her magazine, and Lady Gaga sent you a freakin' fan
letter.
16> People keep driving up to your kitchen window and ordering Happy Meals.
15> Your ribald "Santa taking a leak off the roof" display is
equipped to handle fire department needs in a two-mile radius.
14> The "Ghost of Decorations Past" who appeared last night and
asked for a tour looked suspiciously like Liberace.
13> Greenpeace is organizing guerrilla wind-farms to offset
your nuclear Rudolph.
12> An effigy would have worked just fine. You didn't have to
really push Grandma in front of that charging reindeer.
11> Your tree is festooned with garlands of popcorn and
cranberries. And Corn Chex. And olives. And green beans,
Kraft singles, pickled herring...
10> The "Holiday Express" chugging in circles around the house
might have been cuter if it were, you know, miniature.
9> NASA rotates the space shuttle remotely so the glare doesn't
keep the astronauts awake.
8> The mob wants its cut from your casino.
7> Your nativity scene's sheep: REAL sheep.
The shepherds: REAL shepherds.
The three wise men: ACTUAL professors of Zoroastrian history.
6> Your rapidly spinning electric meter does double duty as
a ham slicer.
5> This year's great idea: Injecting the dog's ass with red and
white paint so when he drags it across the carpet, it leaves
a festive candy-cane trail.
4> Your animatronic elves are so realistic that you have to
keep chasing Angelina Jolie off your front lawn.
3> A PETA rep wants to know how you secured that red light bulb
to Fluffy's nose -- and where you hid the battery.
2> The telltale sparkle in your sputum confirms it: You have
tinselitis.
and Topfive.com's
Number 1 Sign
You Over-Decorated for the
Holidays...
1> On your way home your GPS says, "Turn left at... OH MY GOD!
I'M BLIND!!!"
T T T T T
I haven't been to any of these sites - please be careful
Surfer's Corner!
Lick Me
Soapy Pussy
Soapy Pussy
T T T T T
Rockin' and Rollin' makes no endorsement or warranty,
expressed or implied, with regard
to featured products or services. Results may vary based on operating
systems and other variables beyond our control
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Another issue on it's way to YOU! and another one already in the making!
So meet us back
here next week, same time - same place
but remember, no matter where you are or what you are doing,
never,
ever,
EVER
forget to
keep on rockin'
it's a state of mind
v v v v v
© 1999 - 2009 - Deborah Austin - All rights reserved and held by Rockin' and
Rollin'
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