Editor:
DebsSweet
Graphic Editors: Ditziexx, LuvintheCountry,
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BATMAN
Have you seen the latest Batman movie? "The Dark Knight". It was so
disjointed - kind of hard to follow. Or maybe it was me?
OMG - fall is coming! I am over the top - love the change of the
leaves - and it means winter will be here after that! I love it. The winters
in NC aren't harsh at all but it does snow once a winter if we're
lucky. If you're from the South you know what 'snow cream' is. For
you unfortunate non-Southerners, it's made of snow, vanilla extract
and sugar! It sounds dull but yummmmmmmmy it's good!
So while I dream of the leaves changing you can check out what
is going on this week at R&R,
If you would like to SIGN UP or BE REMOVED from this mailing list,
please send an email
to me at AOL and your request will be handled promptly.
Kick up your feet and put your problems behind you cause darlin' it's
time to ROCK AND ROLL!
- and don't forget to buckle your seatbelts, cause it's going to be a
wild ride!
The Top 9 Things Overheard in a
Prehistoric Vet's Office
9> "We're going to need a bigger scale."
8> "Good news is kitty came through neuter surgery ok. Bad news
is conical collar made from stone break kitty neck."
7> "Give me back that bone, you mutt. I wear that in my hair!"
6> "Hmmm, let me consult cave painting."
5> "Yes, take Cro-Magnon and Neanderthal kids as patients. But we
draw line at Homo Habilis."
4> "Dr. Zoog sorry. Pet not survive lunch break."
3> "Go invent wheelbarrow. Dr. Cronk want stool sample from pet
brontosaurus."
2> "Interesting little contraption you made for your tiny pet.
You call it a 'wheel'?"
and the Number 1
Thing Overheard
in a Prehistoric
Vet's Office...
1> "You want saber-tooth tiger's anal glands expressed? Sorry.
Dr. Thag just decide to retire."
v v v v v
submitted by: DeVulcano
v v v v v
submitted by: BADVETTE87
A man was sitting on a London train eating a bag of fresh shrimps,
ripping off the heads and shells and then throwing them out of the
window. After he had gobbled a few of them down an older woman
opposite him said, "Would you mind not doing that? It's disgusting
to watch."
"Listen, love." He replied, "It's got nothing to do with you,
I've
paid my fare for this journey and I'll do what I damn well want on
this train." He carried on ripping off the shells, throwing them out
of the window and eating the shrimps. Finally he finished the bag
and settled back for a little sleep.
The woman then started some knitting and all the man could hear
while he was trying to sleep was the incessant clicking of her knitting
needles. After a while, he sits back up and says to the woman,
"Could you stop that noise, can't you see I'm trying to sleep?"
"It's got nothing to do with you," replies the old woman, "I've
paid
my fare and I'll do what I want on this train."
At that, the man grabbed the woman's knitting and threw it out of
the window. The woman immediately stood up and pulled the train alarm
cord. The man burst out laughing and said, "Ha ha, you'll get fined
£200 for that!"
To which the old woman replied, "And you'll get six years when the
police smell your fingers."
v v v v v
BADVETTE87
Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department.
One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in.
They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street,
working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole,
the other
girl filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they
were doing.
So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work,
but I don 't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner
follow behind
and fill it up again?'
The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably looks
odd because
we're normally a three-person team.
But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick.'
v v v v v
Windows Updates for September
I'm sure you all know this by now, but the Windows Updates for September 2008 came
out last Tuesday (September 9, 2008) and if you haven't already installed them,
you should definitely do so soon. The updates were limited this month, but they are
still very important. So, if you'd like to know what all changed on your
computer for the month of September, keep reading and you'll find out!
According to the security bulletin posted by Microsoft, there were four critical updates
this time around. The first one dealt with a vulnerability in the Windows Media Player
program that could allow for remote code execution. The second one fixed vulnerabilities in
GDI+ that could allow for remote code execution. The third update took care of a vulnerability
in Windows Media Encoder 9 that could allow for remote code execution and the fourth
one handled a vulnerability in Microsoft Office that could allow for remote code execution.
Now, I know those may not sound as serious as some of the updates you've seen in the past,
but if you have those applications on your computer, they're necessary to have.
Along with those, the Microsoft Windows Malicious Software Removal Tool was also updated and
a few other small changes were made as well. Again, if you haven't gotten the most recent
Windows Updates yet, I urge you to install them ASAP. Stay safe
Don't Fall For Bugus Antivirus Downloads
Antivirus
apps may be malware in Disguise
A dangerous new virus is making the rounds in the guise of a
legitimate antivirus program.
Going by such names as "Antivirus XP 2008" and "XP Antivirus 2009," this malware,
as described in a recent Computer Associates advisory, succeeds by
looking
like a legitimate Windows program.
The Internet security blog Donna's SecurityFlash reports
that rogue antivirus programs
such as these are being promoted through spam messages that
link to
an automatic download of a virus installer.
With such aggressive methods afoot to fool security-minded users, how do you
know
when an antivirus product is legitimate? Use the following guidelines to
ensure that the security products you download are legitimate.
Scott Dunn
The Top 7 Rejected Names for
Gastric Bypass Surgery
7> Total Willpower Replacement
6> Jared's Little Subway Secret
5> Cutting out the Middleman
4> Paying off the Beemer
3> SuperSizeEctomy
2> Installing an Inshrinkerator
and the Number 1 Rejected Name for Gastric Bypass Surgery...
1> Taking the Nonstop to Flushing
v v v v v
A friend of mine was having a bit of
marital tension in his
household and was trying to figure out just what to do about it.
In the course of our conversation, I happened to mention to him
that: "You know, quite often God speaks to us through our wives."
My friend looked at me kind of funny and said, "Wow! I didn't know
God used that kind of language!"
v v v v v
101 New Uses for Everyday Things : RealSimple.com
10 new uses for lemons
10 new uses for newspaper
10 new uses for coffee filters
etc
Try this remedy?
submitted by: jacksinfla
Sneakers Stinky?
To remove the bad odors, sprinkle baking soda inside each sneaker
and leave overnight.
Pour out in the morning. To prevent sneakers from getting so stinky, spray your feet with
antiperspirant or spray it inside of the
sneakers. Odor-preventing inserts also can be put inside.
Paper plates.
You can use them as a dustpan, a cutting board, a throwaway
spoon rest for spills in the microwave,
or to cover food in the microwave. Best of all, for dinnertime,
you won't have to wash dishes
v v v v v
All of the Wal-Marts across Alabama sold out of ammunition as of yesterday.
A reliable source said that one of the purchasers commented that while
Russia may have invaded Georgia, they sure as hell ain't doin' it to
Alabama.
v v v v v
One evening after a few drinks at the local pub. Two buddies
started discussing orgasms. John said "You know there are four
types of orgasms?"
Jim replied "Really? What are they?"
"Well, There's the Positve, Negative, Religious, and the Fake."
The positive goes 'Oh yes! Ooh yes!'
The negative goes 'Oh no! Oh no!'
The religious goes 'Oh God! Oh God!'
And the fake one goes 'Oh Jim! Oh Jim!'"
v v v v v
submitted by: HOOSIER-HUNK
v v v v v
It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom:
"Will the students who are parked on
University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin
plowing."
Twenty minutes later there was another announcement:
"Will the twelve hundred students who went to move 26 cars please return to class."
v v v v v
submitted by: HOOSIER-HUNK
6 Truths of Life
1. You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue.
2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try it.
3. And discover that The first truth is a lie.
4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot.
5. You soon will send this to another idiot.
6. There's still a stupid smile on your face.
I apologize about this.
I'm an idiot and I needed company ...
v v v v v
worldstart.com
When my printer prints, I get black streaks across the words.
What's causing this?
A:
Sounds like your printer's ink jet heads need cleaning. Now the procedure for
this varies from printer to printer.
Some printers (HP) have the ink jet nozzles built into the ink cartridge.
Remove the cartridges and wipe their little bottoms with a soft, lint-free cloth.
Make sure you clean both the color and black cartridges –
sometimes a black streak can be caused by something sitting on a color cartridge.
If you can't remove the ink jet nozzle / head, you'll need to try to wipe them off using a lint free cloth.
Getting to them can be difficult, so if they are unreachable or you're not comfortable messing
around with your printer you may want to take to a repair shop for cleaning.
Finally, check with your printer manufacturer and see if they offer some kind of a cleaning kit. HP
had one that came free with an ink cartridge, so I know they're out there. In addition,
your printer help file may give some advice for recommended cleaning procedures.
Steve
v v v v v
The construction man's wife was so ugly he just couldn't make
love to her. One day she demanded sex and a new drive way. He
agreed to both but he offered up her sexual services as payment
for his buddies once they finished the driveway.
She was excited and decided to go outside and watch as her
hubby and friends worked. The men waited and waited for the
concrete to get hard enough to finish. It just wouldn't happen.
Finally, it dawned on the hubby. He sent his wife inside with
one of the men, apparently she was so ugly, the concrete
wouldn't get hard in front of her.
v v v v v
v v v v v
submitted by: jacksinfla
There was this Chinese businessman visiting a
newly
acquired business in the
United States.
As a gesture of good will, the executives of his newly acquired business took
him to a golf course for a
round of golf. He had never played the game before.
Upon his return to China, his family asked what
he had done in the United States.
He replied, "Played most interesting game. Hit little white ball with
long stick in large cow pasture. Name of game is Oh shit!"
v v v v v
submitted by: BADVETTE87
DRINK YOUR WAY THROUGH HURRICANE SEASON!
Here are a few new drink recipes to keep handy just in case the
worst happens. GREAT RECIPES~~ Enjoy!
MANDATORY EVACUATION
1 1/2 oz. Absolute Ruby Red vodka
1/2 oz. vermouth
Clamato Prune juice
Combine vodka and vermouth in cocktail glass. Fill remainder of
glass with equal parts Clamato and prune juice. Stir. Drink. Ask next-door
neighbor - whose ficus tree blew over and crashed onto your roof
even though you'd warned him for months to uproot it - if you can use his
bathroom. Repeat.
CATEGORY 5
1/2 oz. vodka
1/2 oz. tequila
1/2 oz. rum
1/2 oz. bourbon
1/2 oz. gin Sweet-and-sour mix
Splash of fruit juice
Combine vodka, tequila, rum, bourbon and gin in a tall glass. Fill
remainder of glass with sweet-and-sour mix and splash of juice.
Stir,then garnish with an inverted drink umbrella. Drink during peak
storm hours, and vow not to believe anyone who tries to tell you the
hurricane that flooded your garage and destroyed your shed was just
a Category 1.
CONE OF PROBABILITY
1 oz. cinnamon schnapps
1 sugar cone
Pour the schnapps into the sugar cone. Every time you hear a TV
weatherman say, 'cone of probability,' bite off the end of the cone
and down the shot.
FEEDER BAND
2 oz. Midori
2 oz. rum
1 scoop vanilla ice cream
After your home loses power, combine Midori and rum in a cocktail
glass. Add a scoop of the vanilla ice cream that is melting in your
freezer. Stir and drink through a straw.
BEACH EROSION
1 1/2 oz. Goldschlager
1 1/2 oz. apple brandy
1 pack Sugar in the Raw
Combine Goldschlager, apple brandy and sugar in cocktail glass. As
you drink, seriously contemplate moving your Yankee ass back to
New Jersey where it belongs.
DOWNED POWER LINE
1 1/2 oz. rum
5 oz. Jolt Cola
Combine ingredients in a cocktail glass. Drink while trying to
figure out how the heck you're supposed to go two freakin' weeks
without television and AC.
FLOOD ZONE
2 oz. Kahlua
2 oz. Baileys Irish cream
4 oz. rum
Serve in a 6-ounce glass and laugh-cry deliriously as the mess
spills all over the countertop.
COLD SHOWER
2 oz. Blue Aftershock
4 oz. Sprite
Combine in a cocktail glass with crushed ice you received after
waiting in line for three hours at a mall parking lot. Take a deep
breath, sip and scream like a little girl when the cold beverage
hits your tongue. Repeat.
LOOTERS WILL BE SHOT
1 oz. Jack Daniel's
Splash of sarsparilla
Rock salt
Load both barrels of a shotgun with rock salt. Climb to the roof of
your house with gun, bottle of Jack Daniel's and can of sarsparilla.
Fill shot glass with Jack and splash of sarsparilla. Watch for
looters. When you spot one, blast his ass with rock salt. Drink
shot. Repeat.
THE CHAIN SAW
1 oz. Goldschlager
1 oz. Rumplemintz
3 oz. Jim Beam
Splash of vermouth
Combine Goldschlager, Rumplemintz and Jim Beam in an empty soup can.
Add splash of vermouth. Drink. Remove chain saw from garage and
attempt to cut up fallen tree limbs in yard. Ask neighbor to drive
you to hospital when it all goes horribly wrong.
FOUR-WAY STOP
1 1/2 oz. vodka
1 1/2 oz. vodka and Midori
1 1/2 oz. vodka and Galliano
1 1/2 oz. vodka and grenadine
Pour each ingredient into a separate shot glass. Serve one to
yourself and three other people. The person with the clear shot of
vodka drinks first. The person to his right drinks the Midori shot,
and so on. If somebody drinks out of order, develop a quick case of
road rage and beat the living crap out of him.
BLUE TARP
1 1/2 oz. Curacao
2 oz. pineapple juice Splash of lime
Combine ingredients in a leaky paper cup and serve. Wait six to
eight months for someone to repair the cup. If you're impatient,
hire an unlicensed, out-of-state contractor to do the job for an
exorbitant sum and pray he doesn't hurt himself in the process.
v v v v v
submitted by: BADVETTE87
v v v v v
The Top 9
Ways to Say in Song That You're
SO
Over Your Significant Other
9> "The 1812 I'm-way-over-you-ture" by Pyotr No-chance-kovsky.
8> "Wastin' Away in Restraining Orderville"
7> "I'll Stand on You"
6> "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida baby. Don't you know that I'm leavin'
you..."
5> "Walking in a Single Wonderland"
4> "Don't cry for me, I'm in Tina!"
3> "You Were Always On My Mind ... Until I Stuck A Fork in My
Cerebellum"
2> "Hopefully Promoted From You"
and the Number 1 Way to Say in
Song That
You're SO Over Your Significant
Other...
1> "I Would Swallow Five-Hun-Dred Knives!"
v v v v v
submitted by: HOOSIER-HUNK
Things Overheard On Noah's Ark
10. "Did anyone think about bringing a couple of
umbrellas?"
9. "Hey, there are more than two flies in here!"
8. "Wasn't someone supposed to put two shovels on board?"
7. "OK, who's the wise-guy who brought the mosquitoes on
board?"
6. "Help! I need some Pepto for the elephants, QUICK!"
5. "Don't Make Me Pull This Ark Over And Come Back There!"
4. "No Ham, you cannot eat the Pig!"
3. "And whatever you do, DO NOT pull this plug out."
2. "Nice Doggie!"
AND THE NUMBER ONE THING OVERHEARD ON NOAH'S ARK.....
1. "Are We There Yet?"
v v v v v
submitted by: jacksinfla
If you're singing Christmas songs on your neighbor's
lawn
at night with your church group, it's called "caroling."
But if you're doing it alone with no pants on, it's called
"drunk and disorderly."
v v v v v
A man is urinating one day when the end of his penis drops off.
He thinks, "This is probably not a good thing," so he picks up the
knobby end and
sticks it in his pocket, then races off to the doctor.
He waits in the surgery for a bit, then he's called in.
The doctor greets him and asks, "What's the problem?"
"Well, doctor, I was urinating and my knob fell off. Here it is."
And he reaches into his pocket and hands the piece to the doctor.
The doctor looks, frowns, then replies,
"What are you talking about? This is a marshmallow!
"Well, that can't be right! I ate my last marshmallow on the way in here
v v v v v
Bad Medicine
Just because prescription and over-the-counter (OTC) medications are marked
childproof doesn't mean they're dog proof. In fact, most dogs find it way too easy to chew
through plastic pill containers if given the opportunity. What's scary is that some of the most
common drugs and supplements -- including OTC painkillers, cold medicines, antidepressants,
cancer medications, diet pills, and vitamins -- are potentially lethal to dogs, even in relatively small doses.
Keep your pooch safe by storing all meds, vitamins,
and supplements in a secure cabinet that's out of your pet's reach.
Even pets that spend most of their time indoors may be exposed to a number of potential hazards.
The following list will help keep your home safe and sound for your dog or cat.
The Three Stages of Boxer Puppyhood
http://www.dummies.com/WileyCDA/DummiesArticle/The-Three-Stages-of-Boxer-Puppyhood.id-5667.html?cid=articleFeature
The age of your Boxer puppy when he first enters your household
determines how you handle the arrival and what you have to deal
with in the following weeks and months. You may decide that a
very young Boxer puppy just won't work in your household. More
v v v v v
submitted by: BADVETTE87
A man and his wife, who was 8
months pregnant, were shopping in
crowded mall. They had been trading humorous insults for most of the
evening, and the man decided that he was going to really get her. He
announced in a loud voice, "If you don't stop insulting me, I'm not
going to marry you!"
He was disappointed that only a few people around them reacted, but
his wife managed to bring down the house when she responded, "That's
okay. I won't tell you who the father is!"
v v v v v
Kurt was
going out with a nice girl and finally popped the question.
"Will you marry me, darling?" he asked.
Lisa smiled coyly and said, "Yes, if you'll buy me a mink."
Kurt thought for a moment and then replied, "Okay, it's
a deal, on one condition."
"What is that?" Lisa asked.
"You'll have to clean the cage," Kurt replied
v v v v v
submitted by: HOOSIER-HUNK
v v v v v
Things You'll Never Hear In A Western Movie:
"I reckon I'll have me a half-caf double latte with a twist. IN A
DIRTY MUG!"
"Gentlemen, rather than get caught up in mindless reaction, let's
draw upon our feminine selves for a more intuitive solution."
"Can we postpone this duel till 12:05? I gotta use the little boy's
room."
"Injuns! Quick, pull the wagons into an irregular dodecagon!"
"Y'know, Badlands Pete... a roaring campfire, good coffee, nice
prairie breeze, just you 'n' me... what say we put on the rhinestone
gowns and dance a jig or two?"
"Let's see... hardtack and pemmican... that's three grams of fat,
seven grams of protein, and two starches."
"You 'n' Slim round up them strays, and I'll tell Cookie to get
started on the gazpacho and the fondue."
"That's him! That's the yella-bellied varmint who shot my therapist!"
"He was a strong man, a good marshal, and I reckon he had a keen
eye for interior decoration."
"Hey, Buck, do these chaps make my butt look big?"
"It's like I keep tellin' ya, Earl: men is from Tombstone, women
is from Dodge."
"HANG HIM HIGH, BOYS!! ...Okay, now a little to the left....Oooh!
Stop right there. Perfect!"
v v v v v
submitted by: HOOSIER-HUNK
v v v v v
submitted by: BADVETTE87
Why Oreos Are Better Than
Men
(compiled by little Keebler elves)
10. They don't scream if you twist them too hard.
9. They don't get drunk and throw up in your bed.
8. They are always good.
7. They go away when you want them too.
6. Rather have chocolate in your teeth than hair.
5. Don't have to worry about the last person who ate one.
4. It's always fun to swallow.
3. They never talk.
2. When it makes a mess in your bed, it's easy to clean.
And the # 1 reason is....
1.The creamy white stuff tastes good.
v v v v v
submitted by: MMojoy
A Woman's Poem
He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked the shit out of him.
Like his MOMMA used to do.
v v v v v
submitted by: harlmilligan
http://mithuro.com/presscuefiles/january/beer_goggle.swf
hahahaha
submitted by: BADVETTE87
http://www.sailinganarchy.com/general/2002/cool_test.htm
Were you cool in school? Are you cool now?
Charity Selection to Receive Donation From Card Order
The following list of charities includes those charities that have received donations from us
on behalf of our customers in the past or have requested to be added to our database in the
hopes of being selected by our customers. We do not represent or endorse any of these charities.
We do not solicit donations for any charity. Cards for Causes has adopted a business model
that offers our customers the option to designate 20% of the revenue generated
by a customer's order to a
charity selected by the customer.
Our customers may designate any charity that is organized or registered to do
business in the
United States and that is recognized as a tax exempt organization by the Internal Revenue Service.
If you would like additional information about making a donation or becoming part of our database,
please contact us at 1-888-832-4153 for details.
submitted by: HOOSIER-HUNK
http://discardedlies.com/beitmidrash/FantasticIcebergs.htm
wowowow
submitted by: sammy562
RawAir.net breathe outside the box
RawAir.net urges you to experience how much better life is, when you're not inhaling a bunch
of unnatural chemicals from your electronic devices. Protect your family from out gassed
toxins, known and unknown, breathe outside the box.
submitted by: FL R2D2
This is very interesting! The vote is open to anyone from anywhere! Vote!
v v v v v
"More bad news for air travelers. Earlier today, U.S. Airways
began charging passengers on its flights for water. Even worse,
the oxygen masks are now coin-operated."
Conan O'Brien
v v v v v
Tax Sex
We could balance the Federal Budget if we taxed sex. Everyone would
pay his or her share.
Young people would pay more taxes and your tax liability would
decrease, as you got older.
The tax would also promote family values. How would you like to come
home to your wife and have her ask, "Honey, why is your tax bill
larger than mine?"
On the other hand, be a teenager and come home to find your dad with
your tax bill in his hand.
We would not have to pay people to work for the IRS; they would be
paying to work there just so they could review people's returns.
Locker room conversations would change. "Get a load of this
Hollywood tax bill!"
The forms would change a little also. We would now have a
1040Quickee.
v v v v v
submitted by: HOOSIER-HUNK
v v v v v
The Top 9 Things You Don't Want to Hear from Animal Control
9> "Hamsters! Why does it always have to be hamsters?"
8> "No sweat, I saw something like this on 'The X-Files'."
7> "Well, it's not like you actually use your attic much, is it?"
6> "Now would be a good time to run."
5> "Actually, Miss Muffin tells me that YOU'RE the problem here.
Stand against the wall, please."
4> "Sorry, ma'am. Honest mistake. Here's your baby back."
3> "The land mines took care of 'em but I'd watch my step at
night for awhile."
2> "Next time, ma'am, remember that guppies and guns don't mix."
and the Number 1
Thing You Don't
Want to Hear from Animal
Control...
1> "No, if it was rabies then by now you wouldn't even be able to
understand what I'm ghtydu thrints jornturlyloppy."
v v v v v
I told my wife that a
husband is like a fine wine; he gets better
with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
v v v v v
"New York City is now the number 1 tourist attraction in America.
Visitors love the way the rats come up to your car window and beg."
David Letterman
v v v v v
I keep having my profile on that dating website "Match.com"
rejected. One of the questions is, "What do you want in a
woman?"
Apparently, "My dick" is not an acceptable answer.
v v v v v
Tiger Technologies Download Center
Awww - these programs have been around for quite a while! The
'Holiday Lights is fun such fun - customizable for different holidays!
Nice wallpapers - they add new wallpaper quite often too
The Browser Defender™ toolbar allows you to surf safely by displaying site
ratings as you browse the Internet. When you visit a site its address will be checked by our
servers and a rating shown in toolbar based on any malicious behavior or threats we have
found associated with the site. The toolbar also integrates with the search results provided by
popular search engines such as Google and Yahoo! so you can see if, in our view,
it is safe to continue before you visit a site. Please note information about the sites you
visit will be transmitted to our servers to provide the site ratings.
The information is anonymous and used solely for the purpose of providing the
Browser Defender service.
VirSCAN.org is a FREE on-line scan service, which checks uploaded files for malware,
using antivirus engines, indicated in the VirSCAN list. On uploading files you want to be checked ,
you can see the result of scanning and the degree of uploaded files being dangerous.
VirSCAN.org cannot replace antivirus software on your computer. VirSCAN
is not supposed and able to protect your computer from malware. VirSCAN only scans files,
which may contain viruses, trojans, backdoors, spyware, dialers, key-loggers.
However, VirSCAN does not bear responsibility for the results of scanning
v v v v v
"The X-Files" star
David Duchovny has
entered rehab for sex addiction.
The Top 8 Indications David Duchovny Is a Sex Addict
8> It was only after he agreed to do the show that he realized
the Files had just one X.
7> While she was looking to the skies, he was looking to her chest.
6> Cigarette Smoking Man wasn't puffing for his health, fanboy.
5> Have you EVER seen Tea Leoni frowning?
4> Kept changing the logo on his scripts to "S.E.X-Files!!"
3> Has illegitimate children on every planet in the galaxy.
2> "Mulder, have you seen those little, fuzzy, tube-shaped
alien-- OH GOOD LORD!"
and the Number 1 Indication David Duchovny Is a Sex Addict...
1> When the aliens start probing, always volunteers to "take
one for the team."
v v v v v
submitted by: DeVulcano
v v v v v
A high school girl finally
had the opportunity to go to a party
all alone.
Since she was very good looking, she was a bit nervous about what to
do if boys hit on her. Her Mom said, "It is very easy! Whenever a
boy starts hitting on you, you ask him 'What will be the name of our
baby?', that will scare them off." So off she went.
After a little while at the party a boy started dancing with her and,
little by little, kissing her and touching her. She asked him, "What
will our baby be called?"
The boy found some excuse and disappeared. Some time later the same
thing happened again, a boy started to kiss her neck, her
shoulders... she stopped him and asked him, "What will be the name of
our baby?"
He ran off.
Later on, another boy invited her for a walk. After a few minutes
he started kissing her and she asked him, "What will our baby be
called?"
He continued, now slowly taking her clothes off. "What will our baby
be called?" she asked once more.
He began to have sex with her. "What will our baby be called?!" she
asked again.
After he was done, he peeled off his condom, tied it in a knot and
said, "If he gets out of this one...David Copperfield!"
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Flax is something we hear about often, and it's always praise -- in fact,
health food nuts just can't get enough of it. So when one of my favorite bloggers
asked the question Is Flax Bad? I was a little baffled. Bad? It's considered a
super food because of all those healthy Omega 3s! How can it be bad?
submitted by: pavanco1
This could come in handy! You can check for the latest of
local sicknesses and flu. Check it out.
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In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin.
She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer,
so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following
inscription on her tombstone:
"Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin"
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his men
what the lady had said.
The men went to carve it in, but as the lazy no-goods they were,
they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long. They simply
wrote:
"Returned unopened"
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A new restaurant opened up here in town. It took over the old
Hooters
location, which was closed recently. The new restaurant is said to be
doing well. It has a remarkable motto, it is said to promote safe sex.
When asked how they do that, the owner said, "We right the bill on on
a condom, That way you can wine and dine your date. and when you are
done, you can stick her with the bill."
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v v v v v
"Sarah Palin has been
getting briefed on what she needs to know to
be John McCain's vice president. The first thing they taught her was
CPR."
Conan O'Brien
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"She's fine, but the other day in England, an 80-year-old woman was
out for a walk in the country when she was attacked by three wild
pigs. Experts say this is odd because usually British food attacks
you after you eat it."
Conan O'Brien
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Virus, Trojan, Worm
worldstart.com
Q:
What is the difference between a Virus, Trojan, and Worm?
A:
Basically, they all fall under the generally category of "viruses".
However, there are a few distinctions.
Virus - Technically, a virus infects another file (attaches or inserts itself into it).
They usually infect program files or MS Office documents. From there, it can replicate,
do damage, etc. Unlike a worm, these do not function as a
standalone (except possibly to infect a given file).
Worm - This is almost identical to a "true virus", except that it lives on its own and generally
doesn't infect other files (although it can replace them). Usually, these copy themselves using e-mail,
networks, disks, etc. Again, these are very close to a true virus, and can do the same kind of damage.
Trojan Horse - This type of program doesn't copy itself but does do damage to your computer.
These types of programs rely on people to pass them around and to run them.
They do not e-mail themselves. The idea is to make the program look like it's something harmless,
like a screen saver or joke, so it gets sent around.
That's the crash course on virus types. Bottom line,
you don't want any of the little nasties on your computer!
Installing Windows XP's Built-in Firewall
http://www.dummies.com/WileyCDA/DummiesArticle/Installing-Windows-XP-s-Built-in-Firewall.id-340.html?cid=articleFeature
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Lena and Sven got married in St. Paul. They
planned to honeymoon in
Lena's aunt's cabin in Duluth. They caught a bus that was filled
with deer hunters. About 30 minutes out of St. Paul the bus broke
down right next to a nice hotel. Sven said to Lena, "Lena, there's
a comfortable hotel right here. How about consummating our marriage?"
Lena replied, "No. I vant to wait till ve get to Duluth." The
repaired
bus took off. Fifty miles down the road, it broke down again. This time
it was next to a good looking motel. Sven turned to Lena and asked,
"Look Lena. There's a nice motel. Can ve consummate our marriage?"
Lena said, "No. I vant to wait till ve get to Duluth." The bus was
repaired and off they went. Ten miles down the road, the bus broke down.
This time they were our in the woods. However, there was a little
clearing out of the sight of the bus. Lena turned to Sven, "I tink ve
should go back into the voods and do it." Later when they returned the
bus,
Sven asked Lena, "Earlier ve vere next to a nice hotel and you said
"No".
Then, ve vere by a motel and you said "No". But, here ve vent out
into the grassy voods and did it.
Why?" Lena said,
"I vas
listening to the hunters. They said if the bus broke down again, the
fucking season vould be over."
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submitted by: HOOSIER-HUNK
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Little Johnny paints a sign that reads:
"WE MOVE ANYTHING FOR A DIME."
He tells his buddy Roy to get his wagon and both sit under a
shade tree in Johnny's front yard, waiting for business.
Kathy, across the street is not to be outdone, so she paints
a bigger sign that reads:"WE MOVE ANYTHING FOR A NICKEL."
She tells her friend Nellie to get her wagon, and they both
sit in front of Kathy's yard.Johnny'
Then, a flash and Johnny hauls Roy across the street saying,
"Let's get some laughs." "Say, Kathy, you move ANYTHING?"
"Give me a nickel and I'll prove it to you."
"Roy, give me your nickel!"
Johnny takes it and hands it to Kathy.
"What you want moved, boy?"
"Move my BOWELS!" Johnny said and starts laughing.
So Kathy kicked the shit out of him.
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submitted by: HOOSIER-HUNK
The True Origin of the Internet
In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com
did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.
And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.
Indeed, she had been called 'Amazon Dot Com.'
And she said unto Abraham, her husband,
"Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods
when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags
short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"And Dot replied,
"I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying
what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price.
And the sale can be made on the drums
and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums.
And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold
all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.
But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself
inside
Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man
did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung.
They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites,
or NERDS for short.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening
sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker,
one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land.
And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with
Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.
And Dot did say,
"Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by
others."
And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known
"eBay" he said, "We need a name that reflects what
we are."
And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
"YAHOO," said Abraham.
And that is how it all began. It wasn't Al Gore after all.
v v v v v
submitted by: HOOSIER-HUNK
v v v v v
A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf
course,
became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he
saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his
confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.
She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole and you are a hole behind me, so
you must be on the 6th hole."
He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same
thing happened and he approached her again with the same request.
She said, "I'm on the 14th hole, you're a hole behind me, so you must
be on the 13th hole."
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his
round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at
the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.
The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course
often.
He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation
for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession.
I'm in sales, also. What do you sell?"
She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh."
"No, I won't," he responded.
"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for
Tampax."
He laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.
She said, "See I knew you would laugh."
"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a salesman
for
Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you."
v v v v v
submitted by: ron_stott
Handy Hints #1:
Put a few drops of tea tree oil on a tissue and place in the
garbage each time it's emptied. It'll always smell fresh.
Handy Hint #2:
Zap garlic cloves in the microwave for 15 seconds and the
skins slip right off!
v v v v v
"There's nothing in the world I wouldn't do for Walter O'Malley.
There's nothing he wouldn't do for me. That's the way it is - we go
through life doing nothing for each other."
v v v v v
A guy is sitting in a bar; absolutely drooling at a pretty young
thing in her short, pink mini-dress. Using the time-honored
icebreaker, he sends her a drink.
"How lucky am I," he thinks, as she gets up to come sit next to him.
They strike up a wonderful conversation.
Finally, the girl turns to him and says, "Look, you seem like a
really nice guy, so I have to tell you that I'm a working girl. I
get two hundred dollars for what you think you will ply out of me
with liquor."
He replies, "I have no problem with the money but, since you were so
straightforward I must tell you that when I come, I go nuts. I bite,
scratch, kick, punch, pull hair, break furniture, and just plain
destroy the place."
"Oh my God! How long does that last?" she asked.
"Just until I get my two hundred bucks back," he replied.
v v v v v
submitted by: HOOSIER-HUNK
v v v v v
"Barack Obama said, 'You can put lipstick on a pig, but it's
still a pig.' To which Bill Clinton said, 'You know, I've
tried that, and you're right.'"
Jay Leno
v v v v v
"Verne Troyer was dating a model, a full-sized woman, and at
some point, they decided it was a good idea to videotape
themselves having sex. They were right — it was a good idea.
It's like watching a hamster mounting a giraffe."
Jimmy Kimmel
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Cream Pie
Amateur Screw
In The Groove
Strawberry Cream Pie
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Rockin' and Rollin' makes no endorsement or warranty,
expressed or implied, with regard
to featured products or services.
Results may vary based on operating
systems and other variables beyond our control
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Another issue on it's way to YOU! and
another one already in the making! So meet
us back
here next week, same time - same place
but remember, no matter where you are or what you are doing,
never,
ever,
EVER
forget to
keep on rockin'
it's
a state of mind
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©1999 - 2008 - Deborah Austin -
All rights reserved and held by Rockin' and Rollin'
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