   Editor: DebsSweet
Graphic Editors: Ditziexx, LuvintheCountry,
   CrispySue, Kittykab

THANK YOU JIM !!

I am so grateful to my webmaster, web expert, etc etc - Jim - the only reason

I am up and running is due 100% to him. He single-handedly made sure the crossover from the

current host to the new one was completed. I had no idea how to handle certain aspects of this

so he took it upon himself to do it for me! You can't imagine how relieved and happy I am!

AND

you don't have to hear me whine and

moan anymore! Yay. right?

On to the stuff you are here for, my friends!

Be careful when surfing the Internet.

I have checked EACH link submitted to you and they are in

working order as of this posting. Always be aware of the risks out there and

keep current with your anti-virus and adware removal software!

If you would like to SIGN UP or BE REMOVED

(sure, remove yourself, break my heart
and force me into therapy for life) from this mailing list, please send an email
to me at aol and your request will be handled promptly.

Kick up your feet and put your problems behind you cause

darlin' it's time to ROCK AND ROLL!

and don't forget to buckle your seatbelts, cause it's going to be a wild ride!

"Even in adversity, you still excel
Another wonderful edition of Rockin & Rollin"

hugs. andy.

afk.ark

"So sorry to hear the headache with the web hosting, dang but you

have had it full swing lately with that, hang in there!!!"

pavanco1

"You're very welcome Deb and YEAH I see an issue

of Deb's Sweet in my mail today too..........

so grabbing me a fresh cup of coffee and

going to read it right now !!!
have a good week-end Deb

hugs>>> Deb too..lol"

x_nekat_x

v v v v v

submitted by: BADVETTE87

A man is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A pretty young student nurse comes into the room to give him a partial sponge bath.

'Nurse', he mumbles from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir.

I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check.

I really need to know if my testicles are black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and

heart rate from worry about his testicles,

she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown,

holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.

Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly:

'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but I need you to listen very,

very closely ...

'A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?'

v v v v v

TOASTED PECAN & GRILLED CHICKEN DIJON SLAW

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

INGREDIENTS:
1/2 cup honey-dijon mustard
1/3 cup prepared creamy Italian salad dressing
1 10-ounce pkg fresh spinach leaves, cleaned/stems removed
1 small head red cabbage, thinly sliced
1 small red onion, thinly sliced (about 1 1/3 cups)
Salt and pepper, to taste
1 1/2 pounds boneless, skinless chicken breasts, grilled
1/2 cup pecans, toasted and chopped coarsely

DIRECTIONS:
Slice chicken breast into thin strips and set aside.
Blend mustard and prepared dressing in small bowl; chill
until serving time. Mix spinach, cabbage and onion in large
bowl. Stir dressing mixture into spinach mixture; toss to
coat. Season with salt and pepper. Arrange on serving plate;
top with grilled chicken and pecans. Serve immediately.

Yield: 6 servings

v v v v v

Adventures in Bolivia - NYTimes.com

This rugged South American country is seeing a boom in
eco-tourism, one spurred by travelers who are willing to
exchange safety and convenience for thrills on the cheap.

Unsalted: A Great Lakes Experience

One part obsession, one part addiction and an unending quest
for adventure makes Great Lakes Surfers a truly rare breed.
Watch the trailer for Unsalted: A Great Lakes Experience.

v v v v v

indianagene

Two blonde girls walk into a department store.

They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle.

Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it,

"That's quite nice, don't you think, Tracy?"

"Yeah. What's it called, Sharon?"

"Viens a moi."

"Viens a moi? What does that mean?"

At this stage the assistant offers some help. "Viens a moi, ladies, is
French for 'come to me'."

Sharon takes anther sniff and offers her arm to
Tracy again saying,

"That doesn't smell like come to me. Does that smell like come to you?

v v v v v

    The Top 8 Signs Your Tattoo Artist Is Mad at You   (Part I)

8> When you asked for a "Bad Ass" tattoo this isn't what you meant.

7> Says that increasing gas costs will make your Corvette tattoo
more expensive.

6> You're sure that your partner's name was "Brad," not "Brat".

5> Your Bible verse tat ends with, "she said you're moving with
your auntie and uncle in Bel-Air."

4> Should have been: "Live, Laugh, Love" but ends up as, "Give
Rash, Glove your Love."

3> Tattooed "I Love Fat Girls" on your back instead of "Born To Run."

2> The teddy bears were supposed to be dancing around your ankle,
not humping it.

and the Number 1 Sign Your Tattoo
   Artist is Mad at You...

1> You asked for "something sexy" and you got a picture of his dad.

v v v v v

BADVETTE87

BEST QUOTE OF 2008!

"From the time Barack Obama was sworn in as a United State Senator, to the
time he announced he was forming a Presidential exploratory committee, he
logged 143 days of experience in the Senate. That's how many days the Senate
was actually in session and working. After 143 days of work experience,
Obama believed he was ready to be Commander In Chief, Leader of the Free
World, and fill the shoes of Abraham Lincoln, JFK and Ronald Reagan 143 days.

I keep leftovers in my refrigerator longer than that."

v v v v v

HOOSIER-HUNK

v v v v v

This is from news hound Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal:

... I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an
appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me
a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the
place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis . Then Andy explained
the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I
nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain
was shrieking, quote,

'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

          I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a
prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough
to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now
suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.

        I spent the next several days productively sitting around being
nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In
accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I
had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in
the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a
one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those
unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have
to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and
here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with
just a hint of lemon.

        The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a
great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose watery bowel
movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your
roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

        MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here,
but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the
MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the

commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the
bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you
figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep,
at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and
start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

   After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next
morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I
worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts
of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you
apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

        At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood
and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a
room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained
space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed
by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more
naked than when you are actually naked.

    Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left
hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was
already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their

MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I
pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the
bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have
no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room,
where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the
17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was
seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the
anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was
music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by
ABBA I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this
particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' has to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha
ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than
a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell
you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was
yelling 'Dancing Queen, Feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I
was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking
down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more
excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed
with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

ABOUT THE WRITER Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor
columnist for the Miami Herald.

v v v v v

Debsnewsletter - Archives

v v v v v

    A 34-year-old Malaysian man, believed to have been high
on drugs, severed, cooked and ate his own penis recently.
   The man is said to have done so after waking in the
   middle of the night hearing voices telling him to do so.

You can find the full story here:
http://www.malaysiakini.com/news/2003071300111219.php

The Top 16 Penis Dishes

16> Weenieschnitzel

15> Ding-Dongs

14> Buffalo Wangs

13> Chicken Marphallus

12> Shish-ka-bobbitt

11> Mansmeat Pie

10> Wangers and Mash

9> Standing Ribbed Roast (for her pleasure)

8> Beef Swellington

7> Rocky Mountain Sausage

6> Beans 'n' Frank's Frank

5> Veal Scallopeepee

4> Host-less Twinkie

3> Spotted Dick (a vas diferens from the traditional British
version)

2> Rootie Tootie Fresh-Cut Woody

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Penis Dish...

1> Tool House Cookies

v v v v v

The big problem with "fast" food is that it slows down when it hits your stomach.

And it just parks there...and lets the fat have time to get off and apply for citizenship.

v v v v v

"Companies are squeezing every nickel they can from people.
Starting today, U.S. Airways is charging for water. But
don't worry — your wife getting felt up by a chubby airport
security guard? Still free."

Jimmy Kimmel

v v v v v

Sign at our car repair shop:

$ 65.00 per hour Standard Rate
$ 70.00 per hour if you wait
$ 75.00 per hour if you want to watch
$ 85.00 per hour if you want to help
$105.00 per hour if you worked on it yourself
$130.00 per hour if you laugh

v v v v v

mmirkwood

California Telephone Poll

The latest telephone poll taken by the California Governor's office,

asked whether people who live in California think illegal immigration

is a serious problem:

29% of respondents answered: 'Yes, it is a serious problem'

71% of respondents answered: 'No es una problema seriosa'

v v v v v

v v v v v

While at a marine-supply store stocking up on equipment for
my boat, I also purchased an inflatable life preserver. "It
was my wife's idea," I explained to the grizzled salesman
at the counter. "She's buying it for me as a gift."

"Lucky you," he said as he started to write up the order.
"My wife got me a length of chain and a cement block."

v v v v v

The Top 9 Habits Your SO Has That Drive You Nuts

9> Rather than belching at the table to show his appreciation for
a good meal, he makes sure you hear when it's gone a little
further down the pipe.

8> She is insanely rich, 98 years old, has no children, lists you
as her only beneficiary, yet refuses to die.

7> French-braiding your back hair.

6> Trimming his toenails at the dinner table. When you have guests.

5> Insists on wearing your toupee. And not on her head.

4> *Loves* toe-sucking. His own, that is.

3> Her insistence on screwing the UPS guy means you have to wait
an extra half hour for your porn packages.

2> Not only does she no longer moan during sex, she asks you to
help her plan the menu for the week.

and the Number 1 Habit Your SO Has That Drives You Nuts...

1> Breathing.

v v v v v

HOOSIER-HUNK

v v v v v

I'm suffering from Mallzheimer's disease.

I go to the mall
and forget where I parked my car.

v v v v v

"President Bush arrived in South Korea today, and they had
to use water cannons to push back the protestors. This shows
you the change in times — when Bill Clinton visited there,
they used the same water cannons for the wet T-shirt contest."

Craig Ferguson

v v v v v

The other night, I told my wife, "I hurt my little pinky."

She said, "It's all right. We're not gonna have sex anyway."

v v v v v

HOOSIER-HUNK

v v v v v

"You wouldn't sleep with Angelina Jolie for a million
dollars, would you?", asked the cuddling wife.

"Don't be ridiculous", said the husband. "How am I
gonna raise a million dollars?"

v v v v v

I have been happily married for four years - three different times

v v v v v

I was walking down an alley last night, when I heard, "Help!
Help!" coming from behind a dumpster. Two thugs were trying
to steal an old lady's handbag, but she was putting up a
hell of a fight and wouldn't let go.

I wondered if I should get involved, or keep walking and
pretend I didn't see anything.

I finally decided that I should help.

She was a tough old bird, but the three of us finally got
that handbag.

v v v v v

Many seaside resorts and marine parks offer
   "Dolphin Encounters," where for a large
   fistful of cash you can swim and play with a
friendly dolphin in an enclosed area. How
could something so benign possibly turn ugly?

The Top 9 Signs Your Dolphin Encounter Is
About to Go Horribly Wrong

9> Upon closer examination, the ball they're tossing around with
their snouts looks a lot like a human head.

8> "No offense, but you don't seem to be half as cute or talented
as Flipper."

7> Unable to find a fresh fish market, you brought her a sampler
platter from Long John Silver's.

6> The tuna fishermen who booked the session before yours left
their nets behind.

5> Prissy European dolphins, fun-loving American rednecks. Do the
math.

4> The dolphin has brought along her pup and you've brought along
your hungry dingo.

3> Too late, you remember that herring you tucked into the front
of your swim trunks for safekeeping.

2> His dorsal fin has tattoos of little human stick figures with
a line through each one.

and the Number 1 Sign Your
Dolphin Encounter Is About to
   Go Horribly Wrong...

1> Everything is going great until, a split second too late, you
remember you're the Wicked Witch of the West.

v v v v v

Peach - Watermelon Slush

2 cups of cubed watermelon

3 peaches, with skin

8 oz rum

6 ice cubes

1 can frozen limeade concentrate (thawed)

Sprigs of mint for garnish

Cube watermelon and freeze for 3-4 hours to make watermelon ice cubes. 2. Cut up and pit peaches,

leaving skin on. 3. In a blender add peaches, frozen watermelon cubes, ice cubes and limeade;

blend until smooth. 4. Pour in glasses and garnish with mint.

This recipe is very refreshing on a hot day.

Sweet Lips Martini

Rimming sugar for glass

1 shot brandy

2 oz cranberry juice

3 oz lemonade

Rim a martini glass with sugar, set aside.

In a martini shaker filled with ice, add brandy,

cranberry juice and lemonade. Shake until well blended.

Strain into martini glass and serve immediately.

v v v v v

According to a new survey about sex, 51 percent of people
said they would consider having sex for money if the amount
offered was large enough.

The average woman said the amount would have to be at least
$35,000.

The average man, on the other hand, said, "How much change
do you have on you?"

v v v v v

The Top 15 Signs You're at a Dog Brothel

15> The waiting room is filled with Frisbees and tennis balls.

14> Your "date" insists that you take a pre-encounter flea dip.

13> When you tell the madam you only have fifty bucks, she
offers to let you hump her leg.

12> For an extra twenty bucks, she'll do it "human style."

11> "Doggy Kama Sutra" wallpaper seems to depict only one
position, over and over.

10> They offer a fire hydrant costume for patrons into
golden showers.

9> No difference at all: Charlie Sheen is *still* running a tab.

8> Their idea of using "toys" involves a plastic bone and
a squeaky rubber duck.

7> All the girls wear the same perfume: Calvin Klein's DogButt.

6> It's $50 extra for around-the-block.

5> Your hooker's breath smells like Ty-D-Bol.

4> The customers waiting in the lobby are orally servicing
themselves.

3> When their time is up, customers get the hose.

2> Your date has quite a nice pair. Heck, she has several
nice pairs.

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign You're at a Dog Brothel...

1> More tail than you can shake a stick at. In fact, shaking
a stick is a *bad* idea.

v v v v v

BillieJo50

v v v v v

BADVETTE87

Two Indians and a Tennessee Hillbilly were walking through the
woods. All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the
mouth of a small cave.

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened
closely until he heard an answering, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo! He
then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was
all about. 'Was that Indian crazy or what?'

The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when
Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the
opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful
woman in there waiting for us.'

Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up
to the cave, stopped, and hollered, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'
Immediately, there was the answer. 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from
deep inside. He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and
then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the
size of the huge opening, he was thinking, 'Hoo, man! Look at the
size of this cave! It's bigger than those the Indians found. There
must be some really big, fine women in this cave!' He stood in
front of the opening and hollered with all his might, 'Wooooo!
Wooooo! Wooooo!'

Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO,
WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!' With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his
face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.

The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read....

NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY A TRAIN.

v v v v v

2008 Summer Olympics in Beijing | Athlete, Team Profiles, Olympics News | Free Photos & Videos | NBC Olympics

Did you see the opening ceremonies? w o w

Airline Seating Charts, Best Airplane Seats - SeatGuru

Detailed seat map graphics.
In-depth seat specific comments denoting seats with limited recline,
reduced legroom, mis-aligned windows.
Color-coding to help identify superior and substandard seats.
In-seat power port locations.
Galley, lavatory, Exit Row and closet locations.

LaterLoop: Read Webpages Later on Your Phone or Anywhere

You may not have tried it but reading webpages on your phone can work surprisingly well.

Whether you’re on the couch at home, taking the morning commute or waiting at the airport,

you can catch up on your reading list whenever you have a minute or more.

LaterLoop is a free service that’s optimized for iPhones,

Blackberries, Nokias and similar smartphones.

LaterLoop also has a clean web interface for your regular browser.

Language Trainers Group : LT Accent Game

Can you guess where my accent is from? See how well you do when shown videos

of different people reciting two lines.

People.com : The #1 Celebrity Site on the Web

Test your memory and match 10 pairs - clear the board to reveal the

hidden celebrity - other kinda neat games too

Who's Alive and Who's Dead

This one has been around a while - this site is for those of you who wonder

which celebrities are dead or alive. ew

HOOSIER-HUNK

MSNBC Articles

The U.S. government has spent more than $51 million over the past four summers flying nearly

64,000 illegal immigrants back to the Mexican interior after they were caught crossing the border.

Lovely

v v v v v

A young man was in the horny frame of mind when he ran into a lovely
Italian girl in the course of his travels. He tipped his hat and
said, "Hi, I'm Jake. And you are?"

"My name is Lola," the girl replied. "How have you been doing?"

"So far, I am striking out," Jake said.

Lola inquired, "OH? With regard to what?"

Jake replied, "I'd like to get a piece o' tail."

Lola looked at him alluringly, and said, "Why don't we go back
to my place?"

"Sure," Jake said.

He followed Lola back to her apartment. Then she inquired if he
had any money.

"Sure," Jake responded, "I got a ten dollar bill."

Lola smiled, and said, "Once upon a time, there was a little
pepperoni in the store. It was looking forward to being dinner for
nobility. However, such was not the case. Jim's Italian Restaurant
guy took a trip to the store, and got the little pepperoni, along
with some sausage, bacon and ham. He took them all back to the
Italian Restaurant and put 'em in the kitchen."

"WAIT A MINUTE!" Jake interrupted. "That is NOT what I meant by
a piece o' tail!"

"Honey, it's the only kinda pizza tale you're EVER gonna get for
$10!" replied Lola.

v v v v v

I knew a girl once who could tap dance with her left foot and do
ballet with her right foot.

Between the two she made her living.

v v v v v

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would
now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1000.

With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left.

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock you would
have $49.00 left.

If you had purchased United Airlines, you would have nothing left.

But, if you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank
all the beer, then turned in the cans for recycling, you would have
$214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment advise is to drink
heavily and recycle.

This is called the 401-Keg Plan.

v v v v v

Six Web Hacker Tricks & The Three Pillars of Web Protection, from Sophos - White Papers, Webcasts and Case Studies - ZDNet

A brand new infected Web page is discovered every 14 seconds.

The Web has become the key vector for online attacks - yet the vast majority of businesses are

unprotected against today's modern Web-based malware. Hackers have developed a new box of tricks.

Today's rapidly evolving Web threats and the instant exploitation of any vulnerability by malware

authors means that it is simply not enough for businesses to protect their e-mail and endpoint systems.

Malicious Software Removal Tool

Even with the appropriate security measures in place, there is always the possibility that an instance

of malware can go undetected by your anti-virus software or even disable it. Microsoft designed the

Malicious Software Removal Tool for such situations. When the tool runs,

it detects and removes any malicious software it finds on your computer.

Although the tool is not necessary if you are running up-to-date anti-virus software,

it does provide another layer of protection. The tool is installed with Vista and is available as a

free download for Windows XP.

You can locate the tool by typing mrt.exe in the Search field on the Start menu.

When the tool runs, you can choose the type of scan to perform. You can perform a Quick,

Full or Custom scan. If you choose a Quick scan, the Malicious Software Removal Tool

will scan the areas of a computer that are likely to contain malicious software.

A Full scan checks the entire system for malware.

You should perform a Full scan occasionally but be

advised that it can take up to a few hours depending on your system.

Finally, you can opt to perform a Custom scan and

choose the folders or areas of your computer

that you want the Malicious Software Removal Tool to scan.

The results of the scan indicate whether any

malicious software is on your computer.

chris pirillo

v v v v v

        Bill Gates has officially
   left Microsoft as of July.

   The Top 8 Things Overheard at Bill Gates' Retirement Party

8> "Uh, an iPhone and matching iPod. How, er, thoughtful of you."

7> "401K? I have $40.1B, beyotch!"

6> "You know how some retirees get a gold watch? Well, they
bought him Big Ben."

5> "Yeah, I know I was gone a while. The stupid toilet kept
asking me, 'Are you *sure* you want to flush now?'"

4> "640 billion dollars ought to be enough for anybody."

3> "Watch out, Ballmer is hammered and trying to use Surface to
copy his butt."

2> "I would have had more money saved if everyone hadn't
responded to that chain email."

and the Number 1 Thing Overheard
   at Bill Gates' Retirement Party...

1> "Poor guy. It's at least 10 years until his Social Security
checks start coming in."

v v v v v

I keep having my profile on a dating website rejected.

One of the questions is, "What do you want in a woman?"

Apparently "my cock" is not an acceptable answer.

v v v v v

BADVETTE87

v v v v v

A Chap walks up to another chap in a pointed hat and says:

Chap - You're Merlin aren't you?

Merlin - Why yes ..it's nice to be recognised!

Chap - Bit of a Wizard ..I hear?

Merlin - Well Yes .. I've been told I'm skilled.

Chap - Do tricks and things ..don't ya.. Magical stuff?

Merlin - Magical ... yes that's correct.

Chap - Turn Kings into Frogs ..and that sort of thing ..Is that
right?

Merlin - Well Yes ..I suppose I could Turn a King into a Frog!

Chap - Ever Mucked up ..Ya know, made a mistake?

Merlin - Well Yes ...hasn't everyone?

Chap - Can you reverse a curse?

Merlin - Yes I can ... with knowledge of who applied the Curse and
the actual words of enchantment, I could do it ....Why ?

Chap - I'm Cursed.

Merlin - Really ... and how long have you been bewitched?

Chap - Years.

Merlin - Do you know the words spoken over you to lay this curse?

Chap - Yeah.. can't forget them!

Merlin - What were they?

Chap - Something like ... Do you take this women to be your lawfully
wedded wife.

v v v v v

HOOSIER-HUNK

v v v v v

On a visit to my wife's native England for our honeymoon, we
arrived at London's Gatwick Airport.

Tania headed for the British passport control line while I,
an American, waited in the foreigners' line. When my turn came,
the customs officer asked me the purpose of my visit.

"Pleasure," I replied. "I'm on my honeymoon."

The officer looked first to one side of me, then the other. "That's
very interesting, sir," he said as he stamped my passport. "Most
men bring their wives with them."

v v v v v

An American couple was fond of England and of all things richly
historical and aged. They decided to retire to London, where they
hoped to buy a castle. Though that proved out of their price range,
they did find a wonderful house, quite ancient, with a long and
noble history. They found this house in July, during the husband's
vacation. His retirement date was November. They sold their house
in Chicago and crossed 'the pond' to retire. But to their horror,
their new home was abysmally cold. They immediately set about
seeing to get a central heating system installed but were told by
contractor after contractor that, in a house that old it simply
wasn't feasible. "I was afraid it would come down to this," the
husband finally said. "What, honey?" the wife asked. "We can't
have archaic and heat it, too."

v v v v v

Last New Year's Eve found me in the hospital scheduled for an
operation to remove hemorrhoids. So while others donned party
hats and sipped champagne, I wore a hospital gown and swigged
painkillers. That's not to say the holiday spirit was completely
absent, though. Nope. The next day, January 1, I woke up to a
banner on my bedroom wall. It screamed: "Happy New Rear!"

v v v v v

by deb

The Nature of Monsters

by Clare Clark

In The Nature of Monsters, Clark again shows an impressive ability to combine historical accuracy

with vivid language and a strong plot, confirming her claim to a place in historical city-lit by returning to

London for a tale of mystery, skulduggery and (in what seems set to become a hallmark of her work)

intensely described physical sensation … As a storyteller, Clark is endowed with verve and intelligence,

but her larger gift, dazzlingly in evidence throughout both her fine novels,

lies in the originality of her imagination. She gives us a world that feels alive and intense,

magnificently raw.

It's difficult to describe this book! It was shocking, parts of it were disgusting, difficult

to put down and very suspenseful! I do recommend it!

E-books

So, what is an e-book? I'm sure some of you have probably wondered that and it makes sense,

because e-books are becoming very popular as the days go by. An e-book, which is also known

as an electronic book, is just basically the digital equivalent of a regular printed book. Often times,

e-books are also read with an e-book reader, which is just a device that reads books in a digital format.

Like I said before, e-books are emerging quickly into day to day life and they are starting to change

the ways of technology. There are other formats of e-books as well, including online magazines and

audio books. Some of the e-books that are created are published along with a printed version,

but they may not be put on sale until a later date. They are perfect for children

when taking long trips in the car as well!

One of the most popular e-book retailers is the digital bookstore of eBooks.com. T

here you can download excerpts of certain e-books or just buy them outright.

They have e-books listed from all different sorts of categories, including business, computers, history,

religion and so on. They also have an array of fiction and non-fiction e-books to choose from.

E-books are up and coming, so maybe it's time you check them out!

Erin - worldstart.com

v v v v v

My girlfriend likes sticking her tits in my face, then asking for
something really expensive. She inevitably get what she wants. This,
my friends, is what is known as a booby trap.

v v v v v

A small Boy wrote to Santa Claus, "Send me a brother." Santa wrote
back, "SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"

v v v v v

Forget everything else you've ever been told
about what marriage means -- what it REALLY means is that
you have to cut your toenails more often.

v v v v v

Dick Cheney has apologized to the people of West Virginia for
making a joke about inbreeding at their expense. But see, I don't
think Cheney gets it. In fact, today, while trying to apologize,
he said he felt as stupid as a guy from Kentucky

v v v v v

indianagenes

v v v v v

Some friends were hoping their second child would be a girl and
they even had a name picked out. The ultrasound didn't reveal
the baby's sex, though, and since the expectant father had orders
from the Navy to ship out before the due date, he told his wife,
"We'd better pick out a boy's name, just in case." When it was
time for him to report for duty, they still hadn't decided. At sea
a few weeks later, he got notification that his son, Justin Kase,
had been born.

v v v v v

As the price of food increases, sales of Spam are up. Ever wondered
what they put in Spam? There's a clue in the name. S - P - A - M.
Those letters stand for -- Skunk, Possum, Armadillo, Mole.

v v v v v

A woman came screaming into the local police station shouting,
"I've been graped! I've been graped!" The policeman on duty stared
and said, "Madam, do you mean you've been raped?" "No," she said,
"there was a bunch of them!"

v v v v v

BillieJo50

v v v v v

One day we saw a news report on TV about the owner of a large
craft store and one of her employees, who apprehended a would
be thief and held him captive until police arrived to arrest
him. As we listened to the story, my grandson commented dryly,
"What did they do, hold him at needlepoint?"

v v v v v

A livestock truck overturned. The young reporter who covered the
story declared on camera, "Two cows, Black and Gus, escaped into
nearby woods." At the studio there was laughter as they cut to
a commercial. After the break, the reporter sheepishly added,
"About that overturned truck, make those Black Angus cattle."

v v v v v

Earlier this week, Vice President Dick Cheney gave the commencement
speech at the Coast Guard Academy. He was given a 19-gun salute. Two
Coast Guard members were slightly injured when Cheney returned fire.

v v v v v

California is rewriting its marriage forms to accommodate now legal
gay marriages. Instead of saying "bride" and "groom", the forms say
"pitcher" and "catcher".

v v v v v

The Department of Health reported the percentage of overweight kids
in America decreased for the first time in a quarter century. Four
dollars per gallon was the key. Parents are now starving their
children just to get better gas mileage in the SUV.

THE TOP 17 TV SHOWS SPONSORED BY HARD LIQUOR

17. JAGermeister

16. Everybody Loves Rehab

15. N.Y.P.D.B.Y.O.B.

14. Absolut Fabulous

13. Touched By a Hangover

12. Boston Public Lewdness

11. Little "On the House" on the Prairie

10. The Bacardi Bunch

9. Whose Lime Is It Anyway?

8. S*M*A*S*H*E*D

7. Who Wants to Be a Designated Driver?

6. Suddenly Boozin'

5. Raymond: I Love You, Man!

4. That 80-Proof Show

3. Johnnie Walker, Scottish Ranger

2. Swillin' Grace

and the Number 1 TV Show Sponsored By Hard Liquor...

1. Malcolm in a Puddle -- of His Own Vomit.

v v v v v

"I bought a racehorse today."

"Oh, really? What is the horse's name, gender, timing, and what
are you going to do with him??

"I've decided to call him 'My Face.' He is male, runs a mile in
just under a minute. I don't care if he doesn't win a race or if
he makes me any money."

"Then why'nthehell did ya buy him??

"I just want to hear thousands of those uppity posh bitches at
the race course shouting: 'Come on, My Face!' GOD I'd love to
hear that!"

v v v v v

The speed limit on the highway running through our small town was
changed from 40 to 35 MPH.

Then one afternoon the town mayor was stopped in the coffee shop
by a police officer. "Can I speak to you a moment?" he said.

"Sure," the mayor replied. "What can I help you with?"

"We're advising people that the speed limit has been lowered on
the highway through town, and we'd appreciate your co-operation."

"No problem," said the mayor. "Do you want me to bring this up at
the next council meeting?"

"No," replied the police officer. "We want you to slow down."

v v v v v

jacksinfla

Computer Tutor Don Edrington - Finding Lost Items on Your PC

Since 1980 - Helping people who are new to computers

Q:
I don't see a way to delete wallpaper. Can I do it or am I stuck with

all of these pictures I'll never use?

A:
If you notice, when you go to Display properties/Desktop you won't find a delete button to prune the

long list of wallpaper, but that doesn't mean it can't be done.You can go to the

wallpaper folder directly and delete from there. Here's how:

Usually the wallpaper folder is located at C:\WINDOWS\Web\WALLPAPER . If you don't find it,

just do a search for "Wallpaper" and it will come up in the list

v v v v v

The Top 8 Little-Known Effects of the High
Cost of Gasoline on Being a Parent

8> You get to reposition the walk *to* the soccer field as "training."

7> The other second-graders are really jealous that your kid's
end-of-day pickup is on a horse!

6> Drivers Ed now involves a lot of demos, using Hot Wheels.

5> One mow of the front yard takes your teenager son days,
working with your pinking shears.

4> A straight-jacket for the backseat bunch not only cuts down on
the din but also makes them more aerodynamic.

3> No worries about your teenage daughter in the back seat of her
date's car, considering it's a Little Tykes sedan.

2> Syphoning: Not just a cool Mr. Wizard experiment anymore.

and the Number 1 Little-Known
   Effect of the High Cost of
Gasoline on Being a Parent...

1> With some craft glue and help from the kids, that Hummer you
can no longer fill can be turned into a festive flower
planter.

v v v v v

indianagene

v v v v v

HOOSIER-HUNK

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had
developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such
a good idea.
.
'Do you enjoy it?' The doctor asked.
.
'Actually, yes, I do.'
.
'Does it hurt you?' he asked.
.
'No. I rather like it.'
.
'Well, then,' the doctor continued, there's no reason that you shouldn't
practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not
to get pregnant.'
.
The woman was mystified. 'What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?'
.
"Of course," the doctor replied. 'Where do you think Democrats come from'?

v v v v v

  The Top 17 Things You Can Learn
About Sex by Watching the Olympics

17> Post-sex cuddling is like soccer: It's hugely popular in
other parts of the world, but in the U.S.A., guys simply
don't give a shit.

16> It is critical that one verifies the sex of the participants
before the start of the event.

15> The pole vaulter sprints to the pit, sticks the pole, reaches
climax, collapses onto the matt and leaves -- all in under
10 seconds. And he might even be awarded a medal. So stop
your whining, already, woman!

14> Nobody remembers who came second.

13> Just like in wrestling: Slam a guy to the floor and pin him
for a few seconds, and *boom* it's pretty much over.

12> The person finishing in the fastest time gets to high-tail
it off to Disneyland! WOO-HOO!!

11> A sandy, sweaty, girl-on-girl ass smack can be more effective than Viagra.

10> Be careful! If your ladyfriend bends too far backward while
she's on top, she could get flung up and over a 19-foot-high
bar by the spring-back force of your junk.

9> Whatever you do, don't want to lose fluids too early.

8> Like sex, there's a lot more to water polo than simply
thrashing around and slamming your balls between the uprights.

7> Getting laid is like the biathlon -- your scoring chances
are greater if you carry a weapon.

6> No matter how hard you try, synchronizing is a bitch.

5> "Doing it doggie style" means something entirely different
at Beijing restaurants.

4> You prepare for it your whole life, but the moment is over
in mere seconds.

3> Shaving reduces friction.

2> Compliment a female weight lifter on her snatch at your own risk.

   and Topfive.com's Number 1 Thing You Can
   Learn About Sex by Watching the Olympics...

1> Watching the experts and following along by yourself at home
is often more gratifying than actually participating

v v v v v

indianagene

v v v v v

HOOSIER-HUNK

Two families move from Pakistan to America.

When they arrive the two fathers make a bet to see -- in a year's time,
which family has become more Americanized.

A year later they meet again. The first man says: 'My son is playing
baseball. I had breakfast at McDonalds, and I'm on my way to pick up a
case of Bud. How 'bout you?'

The second man replies, 'Fuck you, towelhead.'

v v v v v

The Top 15 Pet Peeves of Newborns

15> Everybody gets a stogie but you.

14> You suspect Mom has been breastfeeding Dad behind your
back, but you can't prove it.

13> Bouncing, bouncing, always with the bouncing!

12> "Hey, *you're* the one eating the garlic salami, don't you
dare complain about how *I* smell!"

11> Two boobs, but only one mouth.

10> No more "new womb" smell.

9> Milk, milk, milk, milk, milk! You can't throw one lousy
ribeye in a blender?

8> Mohels with a bad case of the shakes.

7> Mommy's implants, while apparently essential to Daddy's
happiness, are seriously impeding your breakfast.

6> Hanging out at hotels is scary. (Michael Jackson's
newborns only)

5> My body, *MY* foreskin!

4> "The bough breaks and... they fall down? THEY ALL FALL
DOWN?!? No wonder I can't sleep!"

3> You're still *months* from figuring out how to grab your private bits.

2> Losing that cool swept-back alien skull look after the first week.

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Pet Peeve of Newborns...

1> Every time you finally get your diaper just the way you
want it, some idiot comes along and changes it.

v v v v v

BADVETTE87

Sex Rules For Dummies

* IN-> OUT<- (Repeat as often as possible)

* A condominium is NOT the smallest size they make.

* If your wife tells you sex is a 'pain in the ass', turn her over.

* A porn shop will not give you money for your used stuff, that's a pawnshop.

* Doing the missionary position does not mean you have sex in a church.

* If she says "doggy style," Do NOT whip on down to the local SPCA center.

* Well-endowed is not a reference to the size of your bank account.

v v v v v

HOOSIER-HUNK

v v v v v

Q: What do you call twelve naked men sitting on each other's
shoulders?

A: A scrotum pole!

v v v v v

Quasimodo goes to a doctor for an annual checkup.
"I think something is wrong with your back," the doctor says.

"What makes you say that?" asks Quasimodo.

"I don't know," the doctor replies. "It's just a hunch."

v v v v v

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One... Men will screw anything.

v v v v v

New Rule: Stop fucking with old people.

Target is introducing
a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger
label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time
grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the
morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the
Social Security crisis.

v v v v v

BADVETTE87

~Four Legged Friend~ - Poetry greetings free to send at Heartfeltgreets.com.

Awww! This is beautiful

snopes.com: Xylitol Deadly to Dogs

Warning for dog owners!

Click to Give @ The Animal Rescue Site

Please - click here to feed and care for animals - it's free!

v v v v v

The Top 17 Signs Your Summer Camp
Has a Killer on the Loose

17> That creepy Bates kid brought his Mom again.

16> The guy sitting next to you is toasting his marshmallows on
    the blade of his chainsaw.

15> You finally got head from Dawn Nuccio. You just didn't expect
    to find it in your foot locker.

14> "Your bloody head on a pike" is scratched permanently into
the "Today's Special" blackboard.

13> Lights out at 9. Knives out at 10.

12> It's been years since anyone survived late-night skinny dipping.

11> The only craft offered is making tattooed leather lamp shades.

10> The camp's posted "Teenagers Fornicating in the Woods" Threat
    Level has been elevated to red.

9> Your shoes are stored neatly together under your bed. Your
    bunkmate's shoes are strewn 20 yards apart by the edge of
the woods.

8> The creepy camp media tech is taking pre-orders of "I Know
    What's Going to Happen to You This Summer"

7> As the week goes on, your fight for who gets the top bunk
    becomes moot.

6> At first you thought it was the proximity to Neverland Ranch.
    But now even the *girls* are starting to disappear.

5> The first item on your scavenger hunt? Sally's spleen.

4> By day 6, the nightly campfire jamboree is down to you, one
    ugly counselor, and that creepy Michael Myers kid.

3> Your "Cabin Mom" is Jamie Lee Curtis and even she's starting
    to look a little nervous.

2> No guitars at the sing along -- only a theremin.

                and the Number 1 Sign Your Summer
                Camp Has a Killer on the Loose...

1> Your camp counselors have no other film credits.

v v v v v

HOOSIER-HHEARTY WHOLE WHEAT & SWEET BANANA BREAD

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

INGREDIENTS:
Topping:
1/2 banana, chopped
1/2 cup rolled oats (not quick-cooking or instant)
1/4 cup light brown sugar

Bread:
1 cup whole wheat flour
1 cup all-purpose flour
1/2 cup light brown sugar
2 tsp. baking powder
1/4 tsp. salt
2 ripe medium bananas
2 eggs, lightly beaten
1 cup lowfat buttermilk
1 Tbsp. canola oil

DIRECTIONS:
Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Spray a 9x5x2 1/2 inch loaf
pan with cooking spray. In small bowl, combine topping
ingredients. Set aside. In large bowl, whisk together
flours, remaining sugar, baking powder and salt to combine.
In another small bowl, mash bananas. Mix in eggs, buttermilk
and oil. Stir wet ingredients into dry ones, mixing just
until combined. Pour batter into prepared pan. Sprinkle
topping evenly over batter. Bake until knife inserted into
center of bread comes out clean, 45 to 50 minutes. Let loaf
rest in pan 10 minutes. Turn out onto baking rack and cool
completely. Serve or wrap in foil and use later.

Yield: 1 Loaf

v v v v v

The birth of our second child, a daughter, came after a long
and difficult labor. But it was definitely worth it when our
beautiful little girl emerged, perfect in every way. Later,
in my room, my husband looked at her tenderly, with tears in
his eyes. Then as he glanced up at me, I expected him to utter
something truly poetic. Instead he asked, "What'd we decide
to call her again?"

v v v v v

The blind daters had really hit it off and, at the end of
the evening as they were beginning to undress each other
in his apartment, the fellow said, "Before we go any
further, Charlene, tell me do you have any special fetishes
that I should take into account in bed?"

"As a matter of fact," smiled the girl, "I do happen to
have a foot fetish...but I suppose I'd settle for maybe
seven or eight inches."

v v v v v

One woman says to another, "I can't understand why you haven't
gone to see that new gynecologist yet!"

"My gynecologist is fine. I don't need to change."

"But the new one's so young and handsome, while your gynecologist
is so old!"

The other woman replies with a smile, "Yeah, I know. His hands
shake all the time!"

v v v v v

BADVETTE87

v v v v v

A prospective juror in a Dallas District Court was
surprised by the definition of voluntary
manslaughter given the panel: "An intentional
killing that occurs while the defendant is under the
immediate influence of sudden passion arising from
an adequate cause, such as when a spouse's mate is
found in a 'compromising position.' "

"See, I have a problem with that passion business,"
responded the jury candidate. "During my first
marriage, I came in and found my husband in bed
with my neighbor. All I did was divorce him. I
had no idea that I could have shot him."

She wasn't selected for the jury

v v v v v

Q. What's green and smells like Monica Lewinsky?

A. The pool table in the oval office.

v v v v v

A boy finished cutting the lawn of a priest...the grass was very
thick and long, and it took the boy about 4 hours to cut. He
approached the Father for payment and the priest paid him $1.00.

The boy said "Thank you, virgin Father!"

The priest replied, "What did you say?"

The boy repeated, "Thank you, virgin Father!"

The priest asked him, "Do you know what that means?"

The boy replied, "Yes.... tight ass!"

v v v v v

HOOSIER-HUNK

v v v v v

Whenever I come home from playing golf, my son always asks me
excitedly, "Did you win, Dad?" I have explained to him time and
time again that you're really just playing against yourself.

We were on vacation and I had gone out to play a round. When I
returned, the kids were swimming in the hotel pool, which was full
of kids and surrounded by dozens of parents.

From across the pool, at the top of his lungs, my son yelled,
"Hey Dad! Did you have fun playing with yourself?"

We checked out that night.

v v v v v

"Today is National Tequila Day! That means tomorrow is National
Wake Up in a Dumpster Day."

Craig Ferguson

v v v v v

"People are going on dates now to coffee bars. This is the
worst idea. Four cappuccinos later, your date doesn't look any
better."

Margot Black

v v v v v

HOOSIER-HUNK

v v v v v

"A new study says that it actually takes men longer to shop on the
internet then it does for them to shop in an actual store. Well
of course! There's no naked women at the stores."

Jay Leno

v v v v v

"Mattel is releasing a new "Teacher" Barbie next week.
Apparently, it's just like Malibu Barbie--only she can't afford
the Corvette."

Stephanie Miller

v v v v v

Early lessons

Here!

Wisdom

Here!

Black or white!

Here!

Trip to seaworld gone awry

Here!

Blood?

Here!

What Problem

Here

Bloodshot

Here

Being First...

Here

Even Worse...

Here

Twelve Easy Lessons

Here

Ode To Morning...

Here

v v v v v

Rockin' and Rollin' makes no endorsement or warranty,

expressed or implied, with regard
to featured products or services.

Results may vary based on operating

systems and other variables beyond our control

v v v v v

Another issue on it's way to YOU! and another one

already in the making!

So meet us back
here next week, same time - same place

but remember, no matter where you are or what you are doing,
never,
ever,
EVER
forget to

keep on rockin'