Editor: DebsSweet
Graphic Editors: Ditziexx, LuvintheCountry,
CrispySue, kittykab
Children's Book Editor: Amanda260
Internet Security Editor: DebsSweet

Happy Fourth of July

little late

A vehicle that gets 150 MPG - you can see it in the CAR CRAZY below - for real.

Have you heard about Microsoft Silverlight? It's a download but I put it in the

WINDOWS list of links this week.

Be aware when surfing the Internet.

I have checked EACH link (except the NAUGHTY)

submitted to you and they are in working order as of this posting.

Always be aware of the risks out there and keep current with your
anti-virus and adware removal software!

If you would like to SIGN UP or BE REMOVED (sure, remove yourself, break my heart
and force me into therapy for life) from this mailing list, please send an email
to me at aol and your request will be handled promptly.

Kick up your feet and put your problems behind you cause darlin' it's time to ROCK AND ROLL!

and don't forget to buckle your seatbelts, cause it's going to be a wild ride!

Little Johnny went to his first school dance. He didn't know if he
would ever get up the nerve to ask a girl out to dance.

As the night went on everybody was dancing except Little Johnny. He
just sat in the corner looking at everyone having fun.

Finally as the last song started to play Little Johnny spotted two
very cute girls across the room sitting at their table. He walked
over and asked one if she would like to dance. She looked him up and

down and said "I am sorry but I am very particular with whom I dance with."
Little Johnny being the smart boy that he is, replied, "You can dam
will see that I am not."

v v v v v

The Top 16 Dangers of Electric Cars

16> Turning on the headlights drops the top speed to 15 MPH.

15> Inflated sense of self-righteousness may cause air bags to randomly deploy.

14> Jetsons' car: Cool sound effect.
Your electric car: Sounds like Dad's 1958 Norelco.

13> Go over 60 for even one minute and you have to pull over
so the car can use its asthma inhaler.

12> "Roadside assistance" involves a kite and waiting for a thunderstorm.

11> Now your wife can apply makeup, talk on the phone AND blow-dry
her hair while toasting a bagel in rush hour traffic.

10> Condom-less backseat sex leave you not only unprotected but also ungrounded.

9> The electromagnetic pulse from any nearby nuclear detonation
may cause stalling.

8> Increased odds of getting carjacked by Ed Begley, Jr.

7> It's a Molotov cocktail on wheels after you try filling it up
on the way home from the bar.

6> If you're hit by lightning, the car accelerates to the speed of light.

5> Go over 60 mph, and Reddy Kilowatt shows up to kick your ass.

4> Finding a dead battery in the morning because your wife left
her vibrator plugged into the cigarette lighter all night.

3> Can't drive it in the bath tub.

2> Your old gas costs were nothing compared to what you're now
spending on extension cords.

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Danger of Electric Cars...

1> Buying one gets you kicked out of the Republican Party.

v v v v v

CHICKEN & BACON SKEWERS

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

INGREDIENTS:
1/4 cup soy sauce
1/4 cup cider vinegar
2 tablespoons honey
2 tablespoons canola oil
10 large mushrooms, cut in half
2 green onions, minced
3 skinless, boneless chicken breast halves - cut into chunks
1/2 pound sliced thick cut bacon, cut in half
1 (8 ounce) can pineapple chunks

DIRECTIONS:
In a large bowl, mix the soy sauce, cider vinegar, honey,
and canola oil. Stir in the mushrooms and green onions.
Place the chicken in the mixture. Cover, and marinate in
the refrigerator at least 1 hour. Preheat an outdoor grill
for high heat, and lightly oil grate. Wrap the chicken
chunks with bacon, thread onto skewers. Alternate with
mushroom halves and pineapple chunks. Arrange skewers on
the prepared grill. Cook 15 to 20 minutes, brushing
occasionally with remaining soy sauce mixture, until bacon
is crisp and chicken is no longer pink and juices run clear.

Yield: 6 Servings

v v v v v

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the passengers took
their seats and were getting prepared for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if
everyone was buckled in.

"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except the lawyers
are still going around passing out business cards."

v v v v v

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

v v v v v

Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage? Because they are
tired of using their own.

v v v v v

"Recently release: the video game Grand Theft Auto IV. Great news
for people who are in the mood to steal a car and beat up a hooker
" but don't want to leave the house."

Craig Ferguson

v v v v v

Convert Your Browser to 3D
SpaceTime is a free application that replaces your browser tabs with a series

of stacked and rotatable 3D panes.

SpaceTime also has some special built-in features which optimize the

effectiveness of common web tasks,

such as Google, eBay and YouTube searches.

For example, with a Google search the web pages found by the first few search

hits will be fetched, stacked in 3D,

and ready for you to quickly scan. There is much to like here.

SpaceTime requires Windows 2000 or later,

a reasonably fast PC, and a good internet connection.

Thanks to Lex Davidson for the link.
http://www.spacetime.com

Make Your Screen Colors More Accurate
Calibrize is a free utility that allows you to adjust your monitor to show colors

(and monochrome) more accurately.

It's a simple three step process that takes less than a minute.

A lot of fancier programs are available,

but they're geared more to the needs of photographers and pre-press

publication personnel than to average users.

For most folks this program is all they need. Freeware,

Windows 98 and later, 1.15MB.
http://www.calibrize.com/index.html

Utility Removes Old Java Versions and Checks for Updates
Java is similar to Flash in that the installation of new versions doesn't necessarily

remove the old versions.

This is a security risk because the old versions very often

contain security flaws.

Subscriber Yvon Houle has written to let me know about a

tiny free utility called JavaRa

that will check for and remove old Java JRE versions, and also check

for the availability of new versions.

I tried it and it worked like a charm. This is a simple free utility that should

be part of every user's toolkit.

It runs directly from the .exe without installation,

so it's great for your USB drive as well.

Freeware, Windows all, 24KB.
http://prm753.bchea.org/software.html

v v v v v

~~~ NOTE FROM CHRIS: ~~~

In the world of standup comedy, where originality
and longevity are rarities, George Carlin managed
to remain unique, popular and relevant until the end.

His most notorious bit was the infamous "Seven
Words You Can't Say on TV." You can hear George
discuss all seven of them here, though I should
warn you the audio is unsafe for TV *and* work:

TopFive decided to pay tribute to George
by taking his own idea a step further.

Rest in peace, George. Or remain angry. Your call.

The Top 33 Phrases You Can't Say on TV

South Park: "Oh, my God! They fucked Kenny!"

Get Smart: "Missed it by *that* much. And when I say 'it,' Chief,

I'm making a not-very-subtle reference to my cock."

Harry Caray: "Holy cowshit!"

Verizon ad: "Can you fucking hear me NOW?"

Alka Seltzer ad: "Plop, plop, jizz, jizz. Oh, what a relief it is!"

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: "Cowabunghole!"

Camel Cigarettes ad: "I'd walk a mile for a cameltoe."

Family Guy:

"Okay, new plan to kill Lois: If I make a dildo bomb, the next time Lois masturbates...

KABOOM! Pussy everywhere."

Seinfeld: "Fuck off, Newman."

Candid Camera: "Smile! You're on Candid Upskirt Vaginacam!"

The Simpsons: "Don't fuck a cow, man!"

Laugh-In: "Fist it to me!"

Star Trek: "Live long, and fuck like a Ferengi!"

Futurama: "Suck my shiny metal cock!"

Wendy's ad: "Where's the queef?"

Keith Olberman: "Good night, and go fuck yourself."

Frasier: "Niles, that wine tastes like the fucked-out

twat of a dock worker's sister."

The Price Is Right: "Cum on Drew!"

HeadOn ad: "Apply directly to fucking morons."

SNL: "Jane, you ignorant cocksucker."

Cheers: "Sometimes you want to go where everybody blows your wang."

Leave It to Beaver: "Ward, weren't you a little hard on the pussy last night?"

Hawaii Five-O: "Fuck 'em, Danno."

Trix ad: "Silly rabbit -- blowjobs are for presidents!"

BASF ad: "We don't make a lot of the products you buy.

We make them SUPER FUCKING AWESOME!!!"

Jeopardy!: "I'll take 'Famous Insufferable Pricks' for 800, Alex."

Dateline: To Catch a Predator: "I'm Chris Hansen with 'Dateline NBC,'

and you, my sick friend, are completely and utterly fucked."

Batman: "Holy nun cunt, Batman!"

Apple ad: "Hi, I'm a Mac. Fuck you, PC, and the motherfucking

piece of shit Vista you rode in on."

Beef Council ad: "Beef -- it's what's fuckin' up your colon."

Scooby-Doo, Where Are You?:

"... And I'd've gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for you meddling, school-skipping,

bong-smoking, pud-pounding, circle-jerking, shit-eating, cock-sucking,

ass-fisting, semen-gargling, motherfucking douchebags!"

Diff'rent Strokes: "Thefuckyoutalkinbout, Willis?"

and the Number 1 Phrases You Can't Say on TV...

Sanford and Son: "Elizabeth! I'm cumming! Cover your eyes!"

v v v v v

Acquaintace or friend: building close friendships.

About friends and friendships - what they are, how to build them, and

how to maintain them

Friend Circles is a massive online Circle of Friends,

connecting fun and unique people around the globe into a

huge active community of "Friendizens"!

Our network is exploding from a wide range of exciting features,

making it a truly one-stop socializing mecca:

v v v v v

"Edward Laurens, the father of the chaos theory, died today.
His services will be held someplace completely random."

Craig Ferguson

v v v v v

Gay politicians are always seeking mandates.

v v v v v

"The Pope and President Bush met privately at the White House,
and they prayed together. And I believe it was the first time
anyone had been on their knees in the Oval Office since...well..."

David Letterman

v v v v v

I saw that my low-fuel light was on, so I stopped and got $10
worth of gas. And when I was done, I saw that my low-fuel light
was still on.

v v v v v

An online store is selling Daddy Dolls,
recommended for military families in which
   Pop is deployed to keep marauders in the
   Middle East where they belong. It's supposed
to help youngsters from being sad that Dad
is away. Wonder how lifelike they are?

   The Top 10 Features of a Daddy Doll

10> Lawn-mow attachment to keep the grass on the foosball table neat and trim.

9> Speech mode has all the bases covered: "Shut that damned
door!" "Eat that broccoli!" "What do I look like, a Rockerfeller?"

8> Pre-programmed to enjoy a steady diet of food from an Easy-Bake Oven.

7> Comes with mini print press and U.S. currency plates.

6> Undergarments feature no skid marks. Well, at least mint out of the box they do.

5> Powerthumb: For ultra-rapid channel surfing.

4> Rear-end reinforcement, for those back-to-back-to-back Sunday
football games on TV.

3> Constantly leaves the toilet seat up in the Barbie Dream house.

2> Genuine pull-my-finger action.

and the Number 1 Feature of a Daddy Doll...

1> Converts to "Hubby Doll" with a $39 attachment.

v v v v v

Thirteen percent of women say, "I love you" to get a
man to have sex with them. The rest say it to get rid
of a man

v v v v v

The couple are in the bedroom one night and they have
just finished making love.

"Honey, did you enjoy the fun we just had?", he asks.

"Yes, of course, Dear.," She replies. Didn't you hear
me laughing?"

v v v v v

It's not polite to talk with your mouth full, and it's not
polite to talk on the phone while you're taking a dump. And
that pretty much sums up food etiquette from beginning to end.

v v v v v

Click here: Opening the right file

When you need to attach a file to an email or open it, do you ever

struggle to find the right file?

Perhaps your filenames aren't as clear as they could be,

and it's difficult to identify the right one.

Or maybe you are looking for a picture, and you need to

see it to know it's the right one.

v v v v v

submitted by: BADVETTE87

A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband
although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town

and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'

'Where are you going, Coochy Coo?' asked the wife.

'I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face,' he answered. I'm going to have a beer.'

The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?' She opened the door to the refrigerator and

showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries:

Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing

that he could think of saying was,

'Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar . .. You know...they have frozen glasses... '

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted
him by saying, 'You wan t a frozen glass, Puppy Face?'

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that

she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the
bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...

I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'

'You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?' She opened the oven and

took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres:

chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches.

'But my sweet honey... at the bar.... you know there's swearing,
dirty words and all that...'

'You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?

LISTEN UP CHICKEN SHIT! SIT YOUR ASS DOWN,

SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND

EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE

YOUR MARRIED ASS AIN'T GOING TO A

DAMNED BAR! THAT SHIT IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?'

and...they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story?

MARRIED LIFE - MAKES MY EYES TEA R UP..

v v v v v

Antro Solo gas-electric hybrid promises 150 mpg - Engadget

While there's no word on any plans to enter it into the Automotive X-Prize,

it looks like the Antro Solo gas-electric hybrid here would at least be

able to hold its own against the competition,

with it promising to hit upwards of 150 miles per gallon on the highway.

That takes a slight dip to a still impressive 117 mpg in city driving though,

while the car's top speed clocks in at a decent 87 miles per hour. To hit those numbers,

the company took a couple of extra steps beyond the usual gas-electric hybrids,

including putting some solar cells on the car's roof to help charge the battery,

and some pedals on the inside to keep it juiced up when the sun goes down.

The fact that the entire car weighs less than 600 pounds doesn't hurt either.

As you might have guessed, however, the car is still a ways away

from rolling off the production line,

but the company says it expects to get it out the door by 2012,

when you'll supposedly be able to pick one up for $18,000.

Best Car Maintenance

Maintaining your car’s condition and conserving its beauty may prove to be a

Herculean task if you do not

follow simple guidelines pertaining to car care.

Do not get edgy in situations when your car groans, grunts,

reeks or comes to a halt. You can fix all these problems immediately,

and even avoid them from occurring,

by following a simple car maintenance guide. Mentioned below are few tips

that can keep your car as good as new;

and also save your time, energy and money.

Do Oil Additives Really Work?

With all of the negative articles about oil additives, which have been written and

supported extensively by special interest groups,

its time to tell the real truth about oil additives. In most cases they

perform a positive function and

with regular use can provide a number of benefits to vehicles and equipment

Aging Drivers: Are You Being Honest About Your Changing Abilities? - geico.com

Senior citizens face an interesting challenge when it comes to driving and safety.

Though still wild at heart,

the aging body may tell a different story. In addition to physical changes,

driving has changed significantly in

recent decades and that can lead to unique and unforeseen complications.

Chrysler to offer Wi-Fi in 2009 autos | SOHO Networking | ZDNet.com

How about a router for your car? The Los Angeles Times is reporting that

Chrysler will announce today that it

will offer Internet access in its 2009 Chrysler, Dodge, and Jeep models.

As someone who has been chided for texting while driving, I’m not sure

I need the temptation.

According to the LAT, the automaker will employ a system called

UConnect Web that will include a

Wi-Fi router that will grab bandwidth from a 3G cellular network and

deliver downloads of up to 800Kbps.

Call it a CAN, for car area network.

v v v v v

The most recent survey on women showed that 10 percent of
the men interviewed liked women with thin legs. Another 15
percent preferred muscular legs. The rest liked something
in-between.

v v v v v

Q: Why did God give women nipples?

A: To make suckers out of men

v v v v v

After dinner and a movie, Carl drove his date to a quiet
country road and made his move. When Mary responded
enthusiastically to his kissing, he tried sliding his hand
up her blouse.

Suddenly she jerked away, got out of the car and stomped home.
That night she wrote in her diary, "A girl's best friends are
her own two legs."

On their next date, Carl returned to the country road. As they
were necking, he slid his hand up Mary's skirt. Once again,
she pulled away, got out of the car and stomped home.

That night she wrote in her diary, "I repeat, a girl's best
friends are her own two legs."

On the third date, the pair returned to the country road. This
time Mary didn't get home until very late.

That night she wrote, "Dear diary: There comes a time when
even the best of friends must part.

v v v v v

Want True Love? Look in the Right Place

Many of us search for years if not our entire lives for love.

We're convinced--or at least hopeful--that it's out there, somewhere.

As the Waylon Jennings song laments, however, most of us are

"looking for love in all the wrong places."

Tragically, not many of us would think to look in the mirror for love.

Or, if we do consider it,

we usually dismiss self-love as mere narcissism.

We are certainly urged to do so by many of our social institutions.

The constant message: Self-love is selfish.

What Do You Know About Love? What Kind of Love Do You Want?

Welcome, Ladies and Gentleman, Men and women...

Boys and Girls a like... I am questioning you,

and how much you know about love, what is your experience, and if you are,

does it meet your expectation's. And what you can do about it...

In my experience, I have felt more negative emotional pain than

what I have positive emotional love...

and as a wise Man I now blame 75% of it on myself,

but with a catch22 involved...

v v v v v

The Harvard School of Medicine did a study to determine
why married women love Chinese food so much.

The study revealed that this is due to the fact that
Won Ton spelled backwards is: Not Now.

v v v v v

The designer of the Pringles potato chip container
died last month and his burial requests were honored:
His ashes were buried in a Pringle container.

   Okay, maybe it's the 'shrooms talking again,
   but that brings out all sorts of burial ideas...

  The Top 20 Fitting Burials

20> Hillary Clinton: buried, resurrected, buried, resurrected,
buried, resurrected...

19> Clarence Birdseye: cryogenically preserved

18> Dick Cheney: burial details and location classified until 2108

17> Peter Benchley: buried in a sharkophagus

16> Carrot Top: buried vertically, with just his "carrot top" hair
sticking out of the ground -- and there's no need to wait until he's dead

15> Al Gore: buried on a balmy, sun-drenched beach in Greenland

14> Tony Orlando: buried at dawn

13> Kenny G.: ashes spread in dentist offices and elevators nationwide

12> Dick Clark: preserved with no embalming fluid whatsoever,
then dropped in Times Square

11> Michael Vick: buried under six feet of dog shit

10> Chris White: buried beneath a tombstone reading "... and the
Number 1 Reason You Shouldn't Be Mourning Me: I can see up
your skirt from here!"

9> John Candy: buried in a vending machine

8> Michael Jackson: buried in McCauley Culkin

7> Ann Coulter: doesn't matter where, just make sure the stake
is in her heart

6> Criss Angel: buried in the soda can YOU'RE DRINKING FROM
RIGHT NOW!!!

5> Hugh Hefner: buried in a melon patch

4> Lisa Nowak: buried in a large, adult diaper thrown in
the face of that little Shipman bitch!!!

3> Barbara Bush: buried in a Quaker Oats container

2> Lew Alcindor: kareemated

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Fitting Burial...

1> Paris Hilton: buried in a somewhat pretty, albeit extremely
shallow, grave

v v v v v

Understanding Your Computer: Web Browsers

Web browsers allow you to navigate the internet.

There are a variety of options available, so you can choose the

one that best suits your needs.

How do web browsers work?

A web browser is an application that finds and

displays web pages. It coordinates communication

between your computer and the web server
where a particular web site "lives."

When you open your browser and type in a web address (URL) for a web
site, the browser contacts that server, requests the web page you
asked for, and   displays the page on your computer. The browser
translates the code (written in a language such as HTML or XML) for
the different   elements of the page (text, images, sounds) into the
appropriate format and displays the resulting page.

How many browsers are there?

There   are many different browsers. Most users   are familiar with
graphical browsers, which display both text and graphics and may also
display multimedia   elements such as sound or video clips. However,
there are also text-based browsers.

The following are some well-known browsers:

* Internet Explorer
* Firefox
* AOL
* Opera
* Safari - a browser specifically designed for Macintosh computers
* Lynx - a text-based browser desirable for vision-impaired users
because of the availability of special devices that read the text

v v v v v

The Top 9 Signs Your SO Has Been In Your Underwear

9> "I am *not* wearing your lingerie! Cross my heart!"

8> The new bustier he bought you not only has had the tags cut
off already, but it looks a little stretched out and smells
faintly of Aqua Velva.

7> Not only did you catch her in your teddy, she had the nerve to
claim it was HERS!

6> Your wife-beater tee shirts are stained as usual, but with
*her* brand of chewing tobacco.

5> The bustier is all stretched out and the police are at your
front door wanting to talk about a "water balloon incident."

4> That green nightgown looks awfully familiar, even with the
Celtics bumper sticker plastered across the front.

3> Your thong is now large enough to wear as a bra.

2> Not only has he traded in his trademark baggy t-shirt for a
form-fitting muscle shirt, his normally-flabby man boobs are
surprisingly well-defined and perky.

and the Number 1 Sign Your SO Has
Been In Your Underwear...

1> When he gets home from work, the dog brings him his slippers,
the newspaper, and a nice soft camisole.

v v v v v

submitted by: BADVETTE87

1st Person: "Do you know anything about this fax machine?"

2nd Person: "A little. What's wrong?"

1st Person: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back

to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page.

I tried it again and the same thing happened."

2nd Person: "How did you load the sheet?"

1st Person: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want

anyone else to read it by accident. So, I folded it, so

only the recipient would open it and read it."

v v v v v

There's been a recent surge of interest in growing small fruits in the landscape.

That's a good thing because many small fruits, such as blueberries,

strawberries, and raspberries,

are not only delicious harvested fresh from the garden,

they are also easy to grow. Plus,

these fruits work well in the landscape — you can create an

edible fence with brambles,

use blueberries as foundation plants, grow a strawberry ground cover,

and adorn a trellis with grapes.... >>more

Strawberries are one of the first fruits to mature in spring and

one of the easiest to grow.

While most varieties produce the second year after planting,

day neutral varieties will produce a fall crop from a spring planting.

Strawberry plants are small enough to fit in their own bed or

among other flowers and... >>more

I first met rhubarb at my grandmother's table, served as a sweet-tart

sauce over a scoop of vanilla ice cream.

In her elegant dining room the table was set with a burgundy satin

tablecloth and cut crystal ice cream bowls.

Dessert arrived on a silver tray. Like many things both culinary and

cultivated, my grandmother had... >>more

v v v v v

American Kennel Club - Dachshund

The Dachshund, meaning "badger dog" in German, is a lively breed with a friendly

personality and keen sense of smell.

Known for their long and low bodies, they are eager hunters that excel in both

above- and below-ground work.

One of the most popular breeds according to AKC® Registration Statistics,

they come in three different coat varieties

(Smooth, Wirehaired or Longhaired) and can be miniature or standard size.

Getting to Know the Bulldog's Personality

Bulldogs possess behavioral quirks specific to their breed that you should

seriously consider before you invest

in one of the breed. If any of the bulldog traits doesn't fit your lifestyle or
with what you expect from your dog, consider getting a different breed. More ...

Click to Give @ The Animal Rescue Site

v v v v v

A few of the guys were sitting at a table in the pub, watching
the Notre Dame game Saturday. We had ordered a round of draft
beers and after they were brought to the table, one of the guys,
a visiting German Lufthansa pilot, took his back to the bar. After
telling the female bartender why he wasn't happy with his beer,
to our amazement she hauled off and slapped him in the face.

When returned to the table, somewhat stunned, I asked what happened
and why she slapped him. His puzzled reply was, "Hell I don't know,
all I did was ask her for some head."

v v v v v

    Not too long ago, I was e-mailing a friend
   saying that with Mitt Romney's Presidential
   bid and that huge family in Texas making
   big news, 2008 was shaping up to be the
Year of the Mormon... but I forgot to type
the second "m." Said friend replied "Which
one WASN'T the Year of the Moron?"
Of course, that got me to thinking...

   The Top 8 Passages in the Book of Moron

8> "And God made the animals of the earth and the fishes of the
sea so that man might stuff them and mount them on the wall,
as a symbol of his manliness."

7> "And surely if his brain were placed upon the head of a pin,
it would roll around like a BB on a six-lane wagon path."

6> "And there was Bud Light."

5> "And the Lord sayeth unto Adam, 'I shall make Woman, and she
shall have great hooters so that you may be smitten with her.'"

4> "Then Bart heard the voice of the Lord; and he was pretty sure
it was God, because there were a bunch of words he didn't
understand."

3> "And Jeb went into his tent and begat Arlo. Jeb begat a whole
passel of kids, and liveth in a tent as he had loseth his job
from drinking and begatting too much."

2> "And she found herself in a place flowing with milk and honey,
for she kept bumping into the shelves, and knocking the bottles off."

and the Number 1 Passage in the Book of Moron ...

1> "And the neighbor Clem sayeth unto Joseph, 'Virgin, my ass.
Way to go, Buddy!'"

v v v v v

submitted by: BADVETTE87

Little Johnny's dad was a farmer in a poor district of

the country. One day his Uncle Abner came to visit. Since

there were limited accommodations, he
was required to sleep with his young nephew, Little Johnny.

When Uncle Abner came into the bedroom, he saw the Little

Johnny kneeling at the side of the bed with his head bowed.

Thinking this was the child's religious upbringing, he decided

to present a good example and kneeled at
the other side of the bed with his head bowed.

Little Johnny looked up and said, "Whatcha doin'?"

"Why... The same thing you're doing," replied Uncle Abner.

"Ma's gonna be mad," said Little Johnny.

"Why will she be mad?" asked Uncle Abner.

"Because the bed pan's on this side!" responded Little Johnny.

v v v v v

Ken and Melba had finished their breakfast at the retirement home
and were relaxing in the library. "You know," said Melba, "today, in
most marriage ceremonies, they don't use the word 'obey' anymore."

"Too bad, isn't it?" retorted Ken. "It used to lend a little humor
to the occasion."

v v v v v

Smoking Bans Have Real Health Benefits:

NY Study released today shows that the number of admissions to

New York hospitals for heart attack

decreased by a healthy 8 percent in the year following New York's comprehensive

statewide smoking ban went into effect.

Lack of Sleep Worsens Diabetes Control
Type 2 diabetics would do well to set a strict sleeping schedule every night,

an Archives of Internal Medicine study warned.

Conducted by researchers at the University of Chicago, the study indicated

that diabetics who suffer from

chronic lack of sleep are less likely to exercise proper blood sugar control.

Researchers surveyed more than

160 adult males with type 2 diabetes; on average, the

men were found to sleep about six hours a night.

Less than a quarter of the men got seven hours of sleep a night,

and a meager 6% enjoyed the

recommended eight hours of shut-eye.

As number of hours of nightly sleep decreased,

researchers found that the

men's hemoglobin A1C levels tended to increase.

A1C is a known indicator of fluctuations in blood sugar.

Ease the Arthritic Ache

http://www.evtv1.com/player.aspx?itemnum=8449&aid=

Chronic diseases are rarely reversible, but most are preceded by a set of

symptoms or conditions that serve as a warning, which, if heeded, can

effectively alter the course of your health.

Type 2 diabetes is one such disease, and in most cases, it can be prevented.
This is a video

v v v v v

While leading activities for seniors at a nursing home, the aide
asked the group to complete well-known phrases. For example,
she would prompt them with, "better safe" and they would respond,
"than sorry." The game proceeded as expected until she got to the
phrase "Make love, not war." She had barely gotten out the first
two words when a ninety-year- old woman shouted from the back,
"While you can!"

v v v v v

I called UPS about an insurance claim I had filed on a package. I
knew the automated voice response system wouldn't be able to handle
this issue so I immediately said, "customer service."

It did a little beep-boop-bop computing noise, and then insisted
that I first pick from its menu, none of which items bore any
resemblanceto insurance claims. I tried "track a package." It
recited the status, followed by "Can I help you with anything
else?" I said, more insistently, "customer service," at
which it complained that that was the most recent shipping
information. Exasperated--but a bit curious--I said, "Damn you,"
and after the little computing noise, it swiftly transferred me
to customer service.

v v v v v

As a young married couple, a husband and wife lived in a cheap
housing complex near the military base where he was working. Their
chief complaint was that the walls were paper thin and they had no
privacy. That was painfully obvious one morning when the husband
was upstairs and the wife was downstairs on the telephone. She was
interrupted by the doorbell and went to greet her neighbor. "Give
this to your husband," he said, thrusting a roll of toilet paper
into her hands. "He's been yelling for it for 15 minutes!"

v v v v v

The income tax created more criminals than any other single act
of government.

v v v v v

The math on the Paul McCartney-Heather Mills divorce. After 5
years of marriage, he paid her $49 million. Assuming he banged her
every night during their 5 year relationship, it ends up costing
him $26,849 per lay, not counting attorney's fees and court costs.

On the other hand, Elliot Spitzer's call girl Kristen charges
$4,000 an hour. Crazy, right? But... Had Paul McCartney employed
Kristen for 5 years, he would've paid $7.3 million for an hour of
sex every night for 5 years (a savings of $41+million).

Value-added benefits are: a 22 year old hot babe, no begging, no
coaxing, never a headache, wide open menu, ability to put BOTH legs
around you, no bitching and complaining or "to do" lists. Best of
all, she leaves when you're done, and comes back the next day,
ready for another round. All at 1/7th the cost, with no legal fees.

Is it just me, or is it better to rent? : )

v v v v v

Home & Garden - For Dummies

Want to ditch your drab drapes and so-so slipcovers and create a style

that's uniquely your own?

Top designer Mark Montano reveals how easy it is to jazz up your

windows and furniture —

without breaking the bank! You get expert tips on

everything from measuring and

cutting material to accessorizing,

as well as savvy shortcuts and quick fixes.

You'd be hard-pressed to find a woodworker who hasn't had

something unexpected ruin his project

(or at least something that forced him to do a ton of work to fix it).

Prepare to meet ten of the most common pitfalls and ways to

either fix woodworking

problems or avoid them in the first place.

Painting Concrete Floors - How to Paint a Concrete Floor

Concrete is a mixture of various ingredients used mainly for construction and

other building processes.

Concrete is the highest used man-made material in the world and when

mixed with steel or fiber reinforcements,

may be the strongest building material used.

Though concrete is a very strong and dependable building material,

it may seem drab and colorless when used

for building processes like floors and walls. Generally, there are many manufacturing facilities,

warehouses, homes,

and other constructions which have concrete floors.

These floors require some type of concrete floor coating.

Painting concrete floors is a traditional way of making concrete

floors look eye-catching and

protecting them from other natural forces.

v v v v v

Today's Comic

v v v v v

Top Ten Signs Your Weathercaster is Nuts

10. Urges people to drink plenty of sunscreen

9. Only shows clouds that look like Jessica Alba

8. Can't stop eating them contaminated tomatoes

7. He's curled up on the floor meowing like a kitty

6. Changes 3 Hs from "hazy, hot and humid" to "hookers, hookers, hookers"

5. Says the heat wave will continue until government gives him
$10 million and a helicopter to Mexico

4. Tells viewers the storm left town faster than his slutty ex-wife

3. His predictions are about as reliable as George W. Bush

2. Keeps cool by doing tequila shots off the sports guy's stomach

1. Reads forecast with his doppler hanging out

v v v v v

After the meeting, Bill Clinton said it was only fair that he have
a private meeting with Michelle Obama.

Jimmy Kimmel

v v v v v

submitted by: SHAYNABUTTONS

Daily Email Newsletter - Funniest Video of the Day

hahahaha

submitted by: sammy562

John Wayne and Dean Martin -- Glad to be an American!
Another funny!

v v v v v

One day we saw a news report on TV about the owner of a large
craft store and one of her employees, who apprehended a would
be thief and held him captive until police arrived to arrest
him. As we listened to the story, my grandson commented dryly,
"What did they do, hold him at needlepoint?"

v v v v v

April was puzzled recently by the odd messages she kept getting on
her voice mail. Day after day, all she'd hear, from friends, family,
and customers alike, would be their message and then they'd ALL say, "BEEP."

We were talking about something else and I had her check her voice
mail message to find something out. She discovered the solution
to the BEEP riddle.

Her message said, "I'm not available right now, so, please leave
a beep after the message."

v v v v v

Qualities of Women Leaders - Leadership Qualities Unique to Women - Women as Leaders - Female Leadership

When it comes to leadership, does gender matter? I

s there a difference between women leaders and men who lead?

If so, what are the unique qualities of female leadership that the most

effective women leaders possess,

and are they unique to women?

Non-traditional Jobs Earn Women More - High Paying Jobs for Women - Non-Traditional Jobs That Pay Women More

Mamas, don’t let your daughters grow up to be cowgirls.

They’ll earn a whole lot more if you

steer them towards pharmacology.

A handful of careers – many of them less commonly pursued by women –

lead to greater annual earnings than women typically average.

Compare the annual salary of a teacher at $43, 000 to a pharmacist at $75,000.

Maternity Leave 101: Making the Most of It

If you'll be negotiating your maternity leave or seeking to improve your company's policy,

it's best to have a plan in

mind before you break the news of your pregnancy. Follow these steps:

v v v v v

I used to compete in sports a lot, but then I realized that you
can buy trophies. Now I'm good at everything.

v v v v v

I was getting my teeth whitened, but then I said forget that,
I'll just get a tan instead.

v v v v v

A guy's in the electric chair. The warden's just about to pull
the switch when the guy gets the hiccups.

The warden says, "Do you have any last requests?"

The guy says, "(hic) Yeah... (hic) could you please do (hic)
could you please do something to scare me?"

v v v v v

New York’s Overlooked Ski Resorts - New York Times

http://travel.nytimes.com/2008/01/11/travel/escapes/11ski.html?8td&emc=td

It’s not Colorado

http://travel.nytimes.com/travel/guides/north-america/united-states/colorado/overview.html?inline=nyt-geo

Vermont

http://travel.nytimes.com/travel/guides/north-america/united-states/vermont/overview.html?inline=nyt-geo

Utah

http://travel.nytimes.com/travel/guides/north-america/united-states/utah/overview.html?inline=nyt-geo

v v v v v

The Top 8 Things to Look Forward to As an Empty Nester

8> No more cupcake- or valentine-creating marathons at 9 p.m. Sunday.

7> At least a five-year vacation from soccer and band chauffeur duty.

6> Water bills that run fewer than ten pages.

5> A refrigerator that is able to stay stocked for longer than it
takes to empty the car of groceries.

4> Sharing the john with only the New York Times Crossword Puzzle
instead of four pair of toddler eyes.

3> No more scientific experiments in the fridge. Or bedrooms. Or backyard.

2> I know we used to do something in the bedroom when the kids
were away for a week, but I can't remember anymore....

and the Number 1 Thing to Look
Forward to As an Empty Nester...

1> At last, the Legos will be mine, all mine!! MWUHAHAHA!!

v v v v v

My horoscope said that the finger of fate will point at me.

Unfortunately, it was the middle finger

v v v v v

Debsnewsletter - Archives
http://www.debsnewsletter.com/archives.shtml

v v v v v

My wife complains about how long it takes me to water the plants,
but hey, my bladder's only so big!

v v v v v

My doctor told me that I need to lose some weight. He told me he'd
give me a pill to help burn the fat. I told him there was NO way
I'd take a pill to lose weight unless it was the size of a roast
and tasted like cheesecake.

v v v v v

* Have Cell Phones Killed Good Manners?
I'm dumbfounded at how human interaction has devolved as

handset talk times surge.
Read the blog

Drivers getting ticketed for violating new cell phone law
San Jose Mercury News - CA, USA
The Sunnyvale man was on his cell phone this morning, his wife was

asking him to get home soon.

That call will cost him nearly $100 as today is the first ...

Rumors of new cell phone law unfounded
WRAL.com - Raleigh,NC,USA
North Carolina does not require a hands-free device for drivers using their cell phones,

despite widespread rumors of a new law. E-mails have circulated for ...

v v v v v

The lanky Texas ranch hand was still a virgin at twenty-one, so,
on his first trip to the big city, he decided to visit a brothel
and find out what he'd been missing. Upon securing the address
of a rather exclusive establishment, he soon found himself lying
in bed with an attractive partner. Sensing the lad was somewhat
inexperienced; the professional gently took his hand and placed
it on the source of her income. "Is this what you're looking
for?" she whispered seductively. "Well, I don't rightly know,
ma'am," the cowboy murmured shyly. "I'm a stranger to these parts."

v v v v v

It's a good thing my mother-in-law has a sense of humor. During
a family vacation, we were driving past the Dinosaur National
Monument in eastern Utah, and she said, "I haven't been there
since I was a little girl. I wonder how much it's changed."

"It's no longer a zoo," I said. "Now it's a museum."

v v v v v

Today's Comic

v v v v v

Don't think of it as losing your virginity; think of it as gaining
a free ride home on the back of a motorcycle.

v v v v v

We already know wieners come in packs of 10 and hot dog buns come
in packs of 8, but let's also remember that dwarfs come in packs of
7 and Sinatra comes in packs of rat. No wonder life makes no sense.

v v v v v

PC World - More Useful Spots on the Web--Plus Goofy Sites

I spent way too long playing around with the Uniqlo_Grid.

Once you're on the playing field, draw a circle, slice a box, move a square.

If you're lucky, someone in another

country will be doing the same thing with other colored boxes.

Make sure to click on the Information box in the right corner

and then click on one of the images near the bottom of the page.

Cannon Challenge Game : Future Weapons : Discovery Channel

Non-Line-of-Sight Cannon Challenge

is one of the best games - It's great fun, especially if you turn the sound way up.

Kewlbox - Swig & Toss - free online and downloadable games

Your goal is to win as much gold as possible by wagering on your axe-throwing ability.

Downing some

Dwarven brew between rounds will increase the amount you can bet,

but it may also make your vision a little blurry!

v v v v v

The doctor was surprised to find Randy sitting on the bed holding
up his middle finger and sticking out his tongue. He walked over
to the nurse who was taking his vitals.

"Excuse me," said the doctor, "but why is Randy sitting like that?"

The nurse replied, "I told him that you were going to want to
examine his sexual organs."

v v v v v

Teacher: "Andrew, what is a cannibal?"

Andrew: "Don't know."

Teacher: "Well, if you ate your father and mother, what would
you be?"

Andrew: "An orphan, ma'am."

v v v v v

A friend and her young son, Reid, were browsing in a large
bookstore. Engrossed in making a selection, my friend had lost
sight of her child.

"Reid!" she called out, racing through the aisles. "Reid!"

Just as she spotted the boy, she bumped into another
customer. "Pardon me, ma'am," he said, "but most folks come here
because they already like to read. No sense in wasting your time
trying to convince them."

v v v v v

Microsoft Silverlight: Light Up the Web

Custom branded experiences using 2D vector graphics, animation, styling, and skinning

HD video and adaptive streaming techniques for world-class media experiences

Highly sophisticated RIA’s across major browsers on Mac, Windows, Linux, and devices

Unparalleled interactivity with high resolution content through Deep Zoom technology

enabling smooth browsing independent of screen size

Click here: Internet Connectivity Evaluation Tool

The Internet Connectivity Evaluation Tool checks your Internet router to see

if it supports certain technologies.

You can use this tool on a PC running either the Windows Vista or

Windows XP operating system.

If you're planning to run Windows Vista, this tool can verify whether your existing

Internet router supports advanced features,

such as improved download speeds and face-to-face collaboration using

Windows Meeting Space.

The tool is intended to be run from a home network behind a home

Internet (NAT) router.

Running this tool from behind a corporate firewall or on operating systems

other than those specified

above won't produce accurate results.

This tool requires administrator privileges to run.

v v v v v

Former President Bill Clinton now says he is willing to do whatever
he can to help Barack Obama become president, so the Obama team
is asking him to campaign for John McCain.

v v v v v

According to the Pentagon, at least 1,000 nuclear missiles or
components in the U. S. arsenal are lost or cannot be located. We
can't even find our own weapons of mass destruction.

Jay Leno

v v v v v

* Netflix Streams to Your TV
Netflix and Roku have teamed up to create a $99 set-top player that lets you

stream movies and TV shows

into your living room. Editor Ed Albro takes a look at the box, the interface,

the picture quality

and video selection and walks away impressed!
View the video

The Official CAPTCHA Site

CAPTCHA: Telling Humans and Computers Apart Automatically

A CAPTCHA is a program that protects websites against bots by

generating and grading tests that humans

can pass but current computer programs cannot. For example,

humans can read distorted text as the

one shown below, but current computer programs can't:

The term CAPTCHA

(for Completely Automated Turing Test To Tell Computers and Humans Apart)

was coined in 2000 by Luis von Ahn, Manuel Blum, Nicholas Hopper and J

ohn Langford of Carnegie Mellon University.

At the time, they developed the first CAPTCHA to be used by Yahoo.

Get a Free CAPTCHA For Your Site

A free, secure and accessible CAPTCHA implementation is available

from the reCAPTCHA project.

Easy to install plugins are available for WordPress, MediaWiki, PHP,

Perl, Python, and many other environments.

reCAPTCHA also comes with an audio test to ensure that blind

users can freely navigate your site.

reCAPTCHA is our officially recommended CAPTCHA implementation.

v v v v v

"John McCain and Barack Obama are bickering, and you know what
they're bickering about? What to do when they catch Osama bin
Laden. That's right. Obama wants to bring him to trial, but John
McCain wants to shoot him. Both really good ideas. And I said to
myself, guys, guys, how about somebody finding him first? Let's
do that"

David Letterman

v v v v v

"Have you noticed how expensive fireworks are? And with gasoline
so expensive, we can't afford to go anywhere. So I think this July
4th we'll just stay home and blow up the SUV"

Joe Hickman

v v v v v

SANGRIA

INGREDIENTS:
1/2 cup water
1 cinnamon stick
1/2 cup sugar
1 lime
1 lemon
1 orange
20 halved green grapes
20 halved red grapes
1 cup pitted cherries
1 bottle fruity red wine (like Shiraz)
2 cups ice

DIRECTIONS:
Bring the water, cinnamon and sugar to a boil and cook
for 5 minutes. Meanwhile, thinly slice the lime, lemon,
and orange with the peel intact. Add the fruit to the
sugar mixture and set aside to cool. Add wine and chill
overnight. To serve, Place some ice and fruit mixture in
each glass, pour wine over fruit and enjoy.

Yield: 8 Servings

Guavaberry Sourball

Ingredients

1 oz Vodka

1 oz Guavaberry Schnapps

1/2 Lemonade mix

1//2 OJ

Ice

Shake rocks or up (for shots add 1/2 amount

of mixes) Add 2 oz flavor mix or Schnapps

for a Cherry, Peach, Blackberry, Strawberry,

or Wildberry Guavaberry Sourball

v v v v v

submitted by: BillieJo50

Two Columbia Yuppies, neighbors for years, were constantly trying to
"out-status" each other. The first man mentioned that his daughter had
just been accepted at Vassar. "That's nice," replied the other, "but
the main thing the girls really learn there is fornication." The first
man became irate and said, "I'll have you know my wife attended
Vassar!" The neighbor smiled and said, "Take it from me, Pal, she
certainly could use a refresher course."

v v v v v

GOOEY CARAMEL BROWNIES

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

INGREDIENTS:
14 ounces caramels
1/3 cup evaporated milk
8 ounces german sweet chocolate
6 tablespoons butter
4 eggs
1 cup sugar
1 cup flour (sifted)
1 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
2 teaspoons vanilla
6 ounces chocolate chips
1 cup chopped walnuts

DIRECTIONS:
Preheat oven to 350. Grease and flour a 9 x 13 baking
pan. Combine caramels and evaporated milk in top of double
boiler over low heat. Cover and simmer until caramels are
melted, stirring occasionally. Set aside, keeping warm.
Combine German sweet chocolate and butter in 2 quart saucepan.
Place over low heat stirring occasionally until melted. Remove
from heat. Cool to room temperature. Beat eggs until foamy
using electric mixer at high speed. Gradually add sugar,
beating until mixture is thick and lemon colored. Sift together
flour, baking powder and salt. Add to egg mixture mixing well.
Blend in cooled chocolate mixture and vanilla. Spread half of
mixture into prepared baking pan. Bake for 6 minutes. Remove
from oven and spread caramel mixture carefully over baked layer.
Sprinkle with chocolate chips. Stir 1/2 cup of walnuts into
remaining chocolate batter. Spread batter by spoonfuls over
the caramel layer. Sprinkle with remaining nuts. Bake for 20
minutes. Cool in pan on rack.

* Refrigerate before cutting into bars or squares. very
difficult to cut if not chilled first.

v v v v v

submitted by: BADVETTE87

Husband and wife are shopping in Safeway when the man picks up

a dozen bud lite and sticks it into the trolley

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife

"They're on special, only $10 for 12 cans", he says

"Put them back. We can't afford it," says the wife and

they carry on shopping... A few aisles later the woman

picks up a $20 jar of face cream and sticks it into the trolley.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the man,

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," she says

The man replies...

"SO DOES 12 bottle bud lite AND IT'S HALF THE FUCKING PRICE"

v v v v v

New Rule: Jessica Alba doesn't have to speak Spanish. Or at all if
she doesn't want to. Some Latino groups are complaining that Jessica
Alba is neglecting her heritage by not speaking Spanish. Sorry,
but when I fantasize about Jessica Alba being bi, I don't mean
bilingual. Plus, it's unfair to expect starlets to always reflect
their heritage. Lindsay Lohan is Irish. No one expects her to get
drunk and crash a car into a tree. Okay, bad example.

Bill Maher

v v v v v

The Top 9 Obedience School "Most Likelies"

9> Most Likely to Let His Master Perish in a Fire

8> Most Likely to Keep Knocking Stuff off the Table with His Wagging Tail

7> Most Likely to Fall for the Fake Ball Throw (41-way tie)

6> Most Likely to Pass a Drug Sniff-Test and Fail a Drug Pee-Test in the Same Day

5> Most Likely to Drown in Her Own Drool

4> Most Likely to (a) Step in Poo, (b) Step in Water Dish,
(c) Drink from Water Dish

3> Most Likely to Eat His Family

2> Most Likely to Be Bullied into Submission by the Family Cat

and the Number 1 Obedience School "Most Likely"...

1> Most Likely to Be Politely Escorted out of the Westminster
Kennel Club

v v v v v

Search And Give

With gas prices so high, I can only imagine that contributions are down.

Whether it's your local school or an effort to find a cure, Search and

Give will donate a penny each

time you use this page to search the Web.

submitted by: jacksinfla

Video of Take just one minute - Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

An amazing site -- to our heroes at war

submitted by: pavanco1

http://coupons.smartsource.com//index.aspx?Link=5S2ZUA6PWPEPO

UNCLE BENS offer, plus many other good coupons

Free Ready Rice Cajon Flavor Sample

1) Search pages for offer go to next it is on the left side of page

: TRY ONE FREE Discover the taste of New Orleans in just 90 seconds with this

FREE pouch offer. (Hint: page 3).

2) Tick "Select this coupon". Then, click on "Print now".

3) It takes you to a page to fill in your name and address.

Note: The sample will be mailed. It is not a printable coupon!

Only thing that prints is a confirmation.

"Thank you for requesting your free pouch of

UNCLE BEN'S READY RICE

in new Cajun Flavor.

Your sample should arrive in 6-8 weeks."

The information you provide above will only be used for the purpose of sending

you the sample(s) that you requested.

Samples are delivered via U.S. Mail to U.S. addresses only.

Each free sample offer is limited to

one (1) per U.S. household and/or address.

Mexico Tourism

Oh - so true - everyone should see this

MUTO by Blu » Drawn! The Illustration and Cartooning Blog

Blu is a graffiti/street artist from ~~Buenos Aires~~ Bologna, Italy. His stuff is amazing.

He recently finished a film

combining two of my favorite things: graffiti and animation, titled “MUTO.”

I’m blown away by it. Unbelievable.

On his Youtube, he’s posted some other animated experiments,

if you’re curious. He has a blog, too.

Crazythoughts.com - Funny Questions

Ponder this -- good time waster

Instructables - The World's Biggest DIY & How To Show & Tell

The world's biggest show and tell -

Instructables is a web-based documentation platform where passionate people

share what they do and how they do it,

and learn from and collaborate with others.

The seeds of Instructables germinated at the MIT Media Lab

as the future founders of Squid Labs built places to share their

projects and help others.

Protect Yourself From PC Security Pitfalls

Our columnist shows you how to get rid of spyware, shrug off spam,

and stay safe on unsecured public networks.

PC World - Protect Yourself From PC Security Pitfalls

Viruses, spyware, and worms. Oh, my!

We all know the dangers inherent in accessing the Internet,

and we all take precautions.

Yet our PCs still occasionally get infected because we can't know everything.

Here I'll show you how to rid your PC of nefarious, spyware-infected programs,

explain why you sometimes receive strange e-mail from your own address,

and teach you how to stay safe on unsecured public wireless networks.

v v v v v

BERRY WATERMELON SLUSHIES

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

INGREDIENTS:
1 cup cubed seeded watermelon
1 cup ginger ale or lemon-lime carbonated beverage
2 Tbsp frozen (thawed) limeade concentrate
1 cup frozen unsweetened strawberries

DIRECTIONS:
In blender or food processor, process watermelon,
carbonated beverage and limeade concentrate until
liquefied. Gradually add frozen strawberries blending
just until slushy. Serve immediately.

Yield: 4 servings

v v v v v

One night a father was helping his son with his homework.
The father asked "What is the Gross National Product?"

His son pondered for a minute and replied, "Spinach?"

v v v v v

Today's Comic

v v v v v

The Top 17 Drug Names We'd Like to See

17> Constipation: Krapustart

16> Birth Control: Bangaway

15> Urinary Tract Infection: P-Eze

14> Hearing Loss: Heyuyesyu

13> Narcolepsy: Nodofnomor

12> Genital Herpes: Wymilord

11> Obesity: Pillates

10> Male Pattern Baldness: Chialis

9> Insomnia: Noxuwout

8> Bipolar Disorder: CalmudownHEYLETZGOSKIDIVING

7> Diarrhea: Indejonalday

6> Anemia: Dracularin

5> Enlarged Prostate: Niagra

4> Hemorrhoids: Sorassnomor

3> Female Dryness: Nookiloob

2> Adult ADD: Trikutinbakondastarbux

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Drug Name We'd Like to See...

1> Irritable Bowel Syndrome: Splattarrest

v v v v v

"Barack Obama says he will not accept $85 million of public financing
for his campaign. I guess he's raising more money on his own,
but passing on $85 million . . . Here are some things you can buy
with $85 million: 85 million items at the 99 cent store . . . $85
million could get you a whole summer's worth of gas . . . or with
$85 million, you could buy Heather Mills"

Jimmy Kimmel

v v v v v

7th Heaven

by James Patterson

"At the start of the gripping seventh Women's Murder Club thriller from

bestseller Patterson and

Paetro (after 2007's The 6th Target), San Francisco is still haunted by the

disappearance of Michael Campion,

the much-adored teenage son of a former California governor,

three months earlier.

Following up on a tip that Michael was last seen entering a prostitute's house,

homicide inspector Lindsay Boxer

and her new partner, Rich Conklin, are shocked when the hooker

immediately confesses that Michael,

who had a heart defect, died during sex and she disposed of his body.

Lindsay's ADA pal,

Yuki Castellano, is sure she has a slam-dunk case,

but the trial soon takes a bizarre turn.

Lindsay and Rich also scramble to track down a serial arsonist responsible

for murdering a string of wealthy couples.

Lindsay races to put the pieces together before the fires hit too close to home.

In true Patterson style,

the reader is privy to Lindsay's thoughts as well as the killers',

ratcheting up the suspense an extra notch.

Fans won't be disappointed with the twist at the end that not even

Lindsay sees coming"

I enjoyed this book more than some of his -- and the ending makes it all worthwhile

I do recommend it.

Keep your child reading all summer with this selection of

reading lists for summer 2008.

These reading lists of recommended children's books and

young adult books are

generally organized by grade level.

Many of the elementary children's booklists include children's picture books,

fiction and nonfiction.

Many of the recommended reading lists for middle schoolers

include a mix of children's books

and young adult books.

You'll find classics and recently published children's books and

young adult books on these 2008 summer reading lists for

babies to grade 12.

Emily’s Pearls Still Shine in the 21st Century

Emily Dickinson wrote no epics or stage plays, and her poems did not

partake in public life in her own

century (the 19th) — yet more than a few of her readers in later years have

been struck by the penetrating

commentary on events of their own current day offered in her short lyrics.

The most recent essay marveling on the powerful “contemporariness”

of Miss Dickinson’s 200-year-old

lines is in the current issue of Boston Review:

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Top Ten Signs You Have a Bad Travel Agent

10. Hotel stay is six days and two nights

9. Accepts payment in the form of personal check, credit card or
freshly harvested kidneys

8. Won't let you go on vacation for more than a week because he'll
miss you

7. When you're in New York, he recommends you see a taping of
"The Late Show"

6. Instead of the Ritz, you're staying at the Ratz

5. Your "plane ticket" is a post-it note with the handwritten
message "Please admit one to the airplane"

4. You have a layover at Laguardia Airport . . . an eight-day layover

3. No number 3 - writer on vacation

2. Forget the restroom - you're riding in a JetBlue wheel well

1. Asks you to deliver a brown paper bag to a guy named Nikoli

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submitted by: BillieJo50

A woman living in a rural area wanted to have an outhouse that
wouldn't stink. She advertised it in the local papers for a contractor
that could build such a structure. After some time, a contractor
applied for the job and guaranteed that the outhouse would not have
any odor. He got the job. Sometime after completing the construction,
the man got a frantic call from the woman, "You'd better get here
fast! That outhouse has a terrible smell!" He rushed over, went to the
outhouse, poked his head through the door and exclaimed, "No wonder it
stinks! You shit in it!"

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Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone are going to be in a
movie together. They're doing a movie called, "What the Hell Are
They Saying?"

Craig Ferguson

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In the last few weeks, both John McCain’s and
   Barack Obama’s physicians declared they were
giving their patients "clean bills of health,"
   signifying that the candidate was likely to
survive a run at the Presidency, and possibly
a few years in office. Obviously, there are a
few things that would prevent a candidate from
   getting such a medically laudacious report.

   The Top 9 Signs Your Candidate Is Not Going
   to Get a "Clean Bill of Health"

9> Are you kidding? Anyone who runs for president of this country
should automatically be admitted for psychiatric testing!

8> Her flip-flopping makes for a pretty darned high risk of
wringing her own neck.

7> Every time he coughs, he sounds like a Mack truck backfiring.

6> There's a bright light above him and dead relatives are waving him up.

5> She keeps telling her doctor she'll propose lifting all caps
on malpractice lawsuits.

4> At the rate this guy keeps putting his foot in his mouth,
he'll either choke or get terminal athlete's foot of the tonsils.

3> He stays at budget hotels and uses the local call girls.

2> His stance in the men's room? Way too wide.

and the Number 1 Sign Your
Candidate Is Not Going to Get
   a "Clean Bill of Health”...

1> His last intern is now being referred to as "Patient Zero."

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My friend Allison adopted a stray cat and took him to the vet to be
neutered. "I'm about 90 percent certain he's been fixed," the vet said.

"How can I be 100 percent?" Allison asked.

"Watch to see if he does any 'male' things."

"He already lies on the couch all day," she said. "If he starts hogging the
remote, I'll bring him in."

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This young couple have been trying to have a baby. After six months
they complain to the doctor that they just aren't having any luck.
"What position are you in when you ejaculate?" the physician asks
Frank, the husband. "What's 'ejaculate'?" asks Frank. "Well, uh,
that's when you climax and semen is emitted," explained the doctor
patiently. The young man looks puzzled for a few moments then asks,
"Do you mean the gooey white stuff? Well, my little honey says it's
icky... so I shoot it into the pillow."

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submitted by; BODRUMS57

Kentucky Colonels

http://www.northpole.com/Kitchen/Cookbook/rec0620.html

Kifflings

http://www.northpole.com/Kitchen/Cookbook/rec0815.html

Kiss Cookies

http://www.northpole.com/Kitchen/Cookbook/rec0307.html

Lacy Swedish Almond Wafers

http://www.northpole.com/Kitchen/Cookbook/rec0382.html

Lemon Angel Bar Cookies

http://www.northpole.com/Kitchen/Cookbook/rec0595.html

Lemon Bars

http://www.northpole.com/Kitchen/Cookbook/rec0016.html

Lemon Cake Cookies

http://www.northpole.com/Kitchen/Cookbook/rec0149.html

Lemon Cream Cheese Cookies

http://www.northpole.com/Kitchen/Cookbook/rec0738.html

Lemon Squares

http://www.northpole.com/Kitchen/Cookbook/rec0512.html

Linzer Tarts

http://www.northpole.com/Kitchen/Cookbook/rec0111.html

Log Cabin Cookies

http://www.northpole.com/Kitchen/Cookbook/rec0077.html\

Luscious Lemon Squares

http://www.northpole.com/Kitchen/Cookbook/rec0457.html

M&M Cookies

http://www.northpole.com/Kitchen/Cookbook/rec0624.html

Magic Cookie Bars

http://www.northpole.com/Kitchen/Cookbook/rec1035.html

Melt in Your Mouth Cutout Sugar Cookies

http://www.northpole.com/Kitchen/Cookbook/rec0509.html

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A MOTHER'S RESOLUTIONS

1. When I forget to go to the grocery store, I will not boil the macaroni
necklaces my children made for me in preschool.

2. When I hear one of my children wake in the middle of the night, I will run
upstairs to supervise before he relieves himself in the sink and then creeps
into the bathtub to return to sleep.

3. I will pack the kids' lunch boxes the night before so I don't throw in a
slab of frozen lasagna as they're running for the bus. "It'll defrost by
lunch. If not, you can suck it like an ice pop."

4. I will resist the urge to explain to strangers why my son is wearing winter
boots, a bathing suit bottom, and an inside-out and backward pajama top. I
will be grateful that he is able to dress himself.

5. I will not tell my children that the Play-Doh dried up just because I don't
feel like cleaning up after they use it, even though I know it means I'll
spend the evening harvesting the colored stuff from the carpet fibers, chair
cushions and the dog's fur.

6. I will always protect the rights of my children, especially their right to
remain silent.

7. I will learn to accept the outbursts and tantrums as a part of life. After
all, I promised to love my husband for better or worse.

8. When my husband and I go to a restaurant without the kids, I will not roll
up his sleeves or move the knives from his reach. I will not accompany him to
the bathroom and remind him to wash his hands with soap. If my husband wants
dessert at the end of the meal, I will not tell him it depends on his behavior.

9. When I'm tired of hearing "mommieeeeee!" a thousand times each day, I will
resist changing my name to "Please pass the spinach" or "TV is boring, I'd
rather read."

10. I will develop an ability to have a conversation with an adult that
doesn't revolve around labor pains or children's toilet habits. I will feel
comfortable in the silence that ensues when neither of us can think of any
other topic to discuss or remember we can always discuss the weather.

11. I will be more flexible about children's nutritional requirements by
counting the ketchup and green crayon as vegetables.

12. When my children beg for a pet, I will buy them each a hutch for the dust
bunnies that have multiplied under their beds. I will let them name each dust
bunny.

13. I will count how often I repeat the phrase "You'd better listen because I
will not repeat myself", until my children actually notice that I have spoken.
I will not raise my voice until I have said it at least that many times.

14. When my kids are older (at least 50), I will explain why they never have
any chocolate candy left after Mommy and Daddy "check" their Halloween bags.

15. I will be a good, fair and loving parent to my children. I will provide
them with enriching experiences and opportunities. I will give them a solid
foundation on which to build a useful life. After all, they may eventually be
responsible for choosing a nursing home for me to live out my final days.

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           Here we are, at the grand, national game of
musical chairs for residents. The Fifth Years
are gone, and we have a whole new crop of new
medical grads to disorient. Let the fun begin!

   The Top 10 Signs It's Your Residents' First Day

10> All the sobbing and sniffling, pointing and giggling.

9> Scrubs? Check. Stethoscope? Check. Vomits at the sound of
vomiting? Check!

8> They've still got a little bit of a soul clinging to them.
Don't worry, we'll scrape it off.

7> He keeps reflexively calling the second-years "Doctor."

6> Betting is getting fierce on the patient Dead Pool.

5> The entire practical joke book section at Barnes & Noble has
been bought out by nurses.

4> Firmly believes that tubing urine samples to the lab 35 times
a shift is "real medicine."

3> They keep asking the doctors questions about medical stuff.
Eventually they'll learn to ask the nurses, but it takes a few
weeks.

2> Spends the day chasing the chief of surgery, trying to locate
a left-handed Foley and a bag of Nor Malsaline.

and the Number 1 Sign It's Your Residents' First Day...

1> Hospital morale improves thanks to the upswing in pick-ups of
dry cleaning, pizza, freshly shampooed pets, and beer.

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Today's Comic

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The Top 10 Signs Your Fiancé Is Going to Run Away

10> The groom just discovered Daddy's shotgun is unloaded.

9> He's spent an inordinate amount of time this week playing
"Where in the World Is Carmen San Diego?"

8> Instead of "Here Comes the Bride," the organist plays "50 Ways
to Leave Your Lover."

7> The groom on top of the cake is dressed in sneakers and running shorts.

6> All his weird "Honey, would you recognize me with this wig?
What about this one?" questions.

5> The groomsmen include a Greyhound bus driver, Gavin MacLeod, a
Delta pilot, Dale Earnhardt, Jr. and a rep from Mastercard.
You do the math, Chester.

4> She keeps calling the police asking about how long it takes
the witness protection program to kick in.

3> He's loosened his manacles and is working on the leg chain.

2> Her last purchases from Amazon were books on extradition laws
and statutes of limitations.

and the Number 1 Sign Your Fiancé Is Going to Run Away...

1> Every night in bed, you're reading "An Idiot's Guide to
Weddings." She's reading "An Idiot's Guide to Faking Your Death."

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borrowed from: shinyhappyhead.com

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of

children while they were drawing. She would occasionally

walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently,

she asked what the drawing was.

The girl: replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher: paused and said, "But no one knows what God

looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing,

the girl: replied, "They will in a minute."

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submitted by: SHAYNABUTTONS

glumbert - Does size matter?

Hahahaha

Still got a big ass!

Here!

This just might be the worst job ever!

Here!

Where's the rest of him??

Here!

Single woman turns 30!

Here!

Why men shouldn't remain single!

Here!

Sex-A-Go-Round...

Here

Not a morning person

Here!

Drawing your mom!

Here!

Wrong mouse

Here!

Mr. Winkey disappears

Here!

Ho!! Fred!!

Here!

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Rockin' and Rollin' makes no endorsement or warranty,

expressed or implied, with regard
to featured products or services.

Results may vary based on operating
systems and other variables beyond our control

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Another issue on it's way to YOU! and another one already in the making!

So meet us back
here next week, same time - same place

but remember, no matter where you are or what you are doing,
never,
ever,
EVER
forget to

keep on rockin'
it's a state of mind

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©1999 - 2008 - Deborah Austin - All rights reserved and held by Rockin' and Rollin'

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