Editor:
DebsSweet
Graphic Editors: Ditziexx, LuvintheCountry,
CrispySue, kittykab
EMAIL ADDRESSES
With so many bad people stealing email addresses and spamming them,
I have decided not to put full email addresses of you who submit wonderful things to me
for use on
this site. Just in case you were wondering :-)
Purchase your Six Flax Theme Parks tickets online and get adult admission at the same price as a kid's.
Tickets vary in price from park to park, but it boils down to a $15 savings as compared to buying them directly at the park.
Offer ending unknown - so get to it in the SURFIN section!
When it comes to the FBI, some people get a little nervous. Most of the time, that’s probably deserved.
They've done something wrong. Perhaps their picture is on the bulletin board at the post office.
There could be a reward for their capture. Most of us know we have nothing to worry about.
But that doesn't mean the FBI doesn't have files on us! Maybe you were involved in a protest or a civil rights march.
Or, maybe you know someone the FBI deemed a person of interest. Then, you might have a file.
You'll find this link in the SURFIN' section. Use it to generate a letter requesting your file.
Send it off to the FBI. (While you're at it, send letters to the CIA and other agencies.
What the heck, something might turn up. All of this is made possible by the Freedom of Information Act and the Privacy Act)
Track your gas mileage by letting us know the miles you traveled on your last tank,
the price you paid, and how many gallons you added to your car.
FuelFrog will compile and trend information about your gas mileage, the amount you spend,
and more! In the near future, you'll be able to compare your vehicle to others and see how you stack up.
You'll be able to check this out in the CAR CRAZY area below.
If you would like to SIGN UP or BE REMOVED
(sure, remove yourself, break my heart
and force me into therapy for life) from this mailing list, please send
an email
to me at aol and your request will be handled promptly.
Kick up your feet and put your problems behind you cause darlin' it's
time to ROCK AND ROLL!
and don't forget to buckle your seatbelts, cause it's going to be
a wild ride!
Did you hear that they discovered that there are female hormones in beer?
Yeah, apparently they had 100 guys each drink 10
pints of beer.
They all started running their mouths and driving lousy.
v v v v v
"Did you ever see the customers in
health-food
stores? They are pale skinny people who look half-
dead. In a steak house you see robust, ruddy people.
They're dying, of course, but they look terrific."
Bill Cosby
v v v v v
Smile When You're Lying by Chuck Thompson - 10 Most Overrated U.S.
Tourist Attractions
This is just one guys thoughts -- you be your own judge
Temple of Heaven - Reviews and Ratings of Sights in Beijing - New
York Times Travel_
Built by the Ming emperor Yongle in 1420, the Hall of Prayer for Good Harvests
is a masterpiece of Chinese religious architecture. The hall was one of many altars inside the
kingdom’s largest complex for ritual sacrifice, the Temple of Heaven, or Tiantan.
Twenty-two emperors came here to make sacrifices to heaven, affirming their divine role as ruler and shaman.
Nowadays, in the Long Corridor through which ritual offerings once passed,
crowds of retirees play poker, Hacky Sack and the two-stringed erhu.
v v v v v
The Top 16 Things Overheard at Jenna Bush's Wedding
16> "Sorry I'm late -- I couldn't remember if I was to turn left
or right at Cindy Sheehan's compost pile."
15> "To honor the sacrifice of all you who traveled here, I am
giving up sobriety."
14> "Did you hear him say, 'One down, one to go"? "Yeah, but
he
was talking about Iraq and Iran."
13> "Henry, if you treat my daughter right, I just may make
you president of Iran once we take out the clown who's
in there now."
12> "I don't care if he is the president. It was tacky of him
to give Henry the nickname 'P-Whipped.'"
11> "Hey, Henry, remind me to give you the Secret Service code
word to get into Jenna's bedroom after the ceremony."
10> "I don't think of it as losing a daughter; I think of this
as gaining a swing state."
9> "I'm so thrilled that my daughter has found the right man
to marriculate with."
8> "If anyone objects, let him speak now or... yes, Helen Thomas in the
back."
7> "I hope they have an exit strategy for this never-ending
Chicken Dance."
6> "Oh, that's so sweet. Uncle Cheney gave them a whole barrel of
crude."
5> "So, I guess this dramatically reduces the odds of me
making a Bush Twin sandwich."
4> "These society weddings -- did they really need an organ
grinder and a monkey? Oh wait, that's just Cheney and the
father of the bride."
3> "Why does the reception videographer's camera say 'Girls
Gone Wild' on the side?"
2> "As a matter of fact, the ice sculpture *does* look like
Hillary."
and Topfive.com's
Number 1 Thing
Overheard at Jenna
Bush's Wedding...
1> "Okay, you release the doves while I distract Cheney."
v v v v v
Debsnewsletter - Archives
http://www.debsnewsletter.com/archives.shtml
v v v v v
submitted by: BADVETTE87
A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual
4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.
'This baked ham is really delicious,' the priest
teased the
rabbi. 'You really ought to try it. I know it's against your
religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be
forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't
lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell
me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?'
The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and
said, 'At
your wedding.
'
v v v v v
A fairy flies by and hears the crying, so he decides to
check it out.
He goes in and asks Cinderella: "Why are you crying?"
"Others are at the ball, but I can't go there!"
"Why?"
"I'm having my period"
"Others have periods too, but they are at the ball?"
"Yes, but I don't have a tampon!"
So the fairy gives Cinderella a golden tampon, packed in
a silver box.
Even Cinderella's mother doesn't have so beautiful tampons.
So Cinderella goes to the ball.
Later that night, past midnight, Cinderella comes home,
her legs spread wide open, like she has given birth to
five babies.
The same fairy happens to see her and asks, what
happened?
"You didn't tell me that when it's midnight it will turn
into a pumpkin!"
v v v v v
borrowed from: shinyhappyhead.com
v v v v v
Ways You Can Tell When Your Cow Has Mad Cow Disease.....
~ Your cow insists that all Hindus are sacred.
~ Your cow thought Frank Bruno would beat Mike Tyson.
~ Your cow takes up painting and cuts off one of its ears.
~ She refuses to let you milk her, saying: "Not on a first date."
~ You catch your cow hiding secret plans to burn down half of Chicago.
~ Your cow demands to be branded with the 'Golden Archs Logo'.
~ Your cow appears on Oprah and Jerry Springer, claiming to be a
horse trapped in a cow's body.
~ Your cow is wearing a little A-1 sauce behind each ear as cologne.
~ Your cow quits the family dairy and applies for a job at Burger King.
v v v v v
Late one night a woman was walking home when a man
grabbed her and
dragged her into the bushes. "Help me! Help me!" she screamed.
"I'm
being robbed!"
"You ain't being robbed, slut!" her attacker interrupted.
"You're
being screwed!"
The woman looked down at her attacker as he unzipped his jeans. "If
you're screwing me with that," she fumed, "I am being robbed!
v v v v v
I swear my cell phone just
buzzed...
MSNBC - USA
By JIM KOZUBEK If you have a cell phone or Blackberry with a vibrating
ring function,
it may have happened to you. Your phone starts vibrating and you reach ...
See
all stories on this topic
TomTom uses anonymous
cell phone tracking for traffic forecasts
Heise Online - Hannover,Germany
Dutch navigation specialists TomTom plans to use location and motion
datafrom cell phones in its traffic forecasts. In its new High-Definition Traffic ...
See
all stories on this topic
School
system sharpens aim at cell phones
Anderson Independent Mail (subscription) - Anderson,SC,USA
By Ray Chandler OCONEE COUNTY — Oconee County public school students
whorefuse to surrender cell
phones to school officials soon may face more severe ...
v v v v v
While unloading the laundry from the dryer, I discovered my son's red crayon was in the
batch and had melted all over the white clothes and underwear. As I feverishly scrubbed the laundry,
my son came by and I explained what had happened. "Don't worry, Mom," he said. "I have another red crayon."
v v v v v
I had a difficult time remembering names until I took that
Dave
Carnegie course
v v v v v
I used to be up the creek without a paddle. Now, I'm down the
information highway without a modem.
v v v v v
Computer Bumper Snickers
* Don't make me use uppercase.
* A Life? Cool! Where can I download one of those from?
* Email is packaged by intellectual weight, not volume.
* Some settling of contents may have occurred during transmission.
* Murphy's best friend was a computer.
* The truth is out there? Does anyone know the URL?
v v v v v
submitted by: WaltWiso
You might be surprised at the results
2. Boo-ography - Creepy Actors Quiz
See how well you do with the creeeeepy quiz
3. Dead Famous - Psychic or Skeptic? Quiz
This and other games too
This game is only available
for purchase in the United States and Canada.
The classic way to spell word game fun is now the ultimate way to spell fast
fun for the entire family.
Play against one of eight challenging computer opponents or take on your friends and
family in four different game modes. Play the way you remember in Classic mode,
race against the clock in Blitz, climb to the top in a Tournament, or set up a
Custom Tournament and play SCRABBLE your way!
Kewlbox - Baby
Mama-Destination Insemination - free online and downloadable games
Help some special sperm make a hot hook-up in Destination Insemination,
the hilarious game based on the movie “Baby Mama”, starring Tina Fey and Amy Poehler.
The farther you swim, the more points you earn…but bump into an obstacle and your “love trip” comes to an end!
Kewlbox - Treat It Or Eat It - free online and downloadable games
Is it a yummy treat or nasty condition? Find out if you can really tell the difference
in this fun game where you get to decide whether the picture is of a tasty snack or something much worse.
The squeamish better beware – you may be surprised by what your favorite snacks look like up close!
v v v v v
Just as a surgeon was finishing up an operation
and was about to close, the patient awakes, sits
up, and demands to know what is going on.
"I'm about to close," the surgeon says.
The patient grabs the surgeon's hand and says, "I'm not going to
let you do that! I'll close my own incision!"
The doctor hands him the thread and says, "Suture self".
v v v v v
A fourth grade teacher was giving her
pupils a lesson in logic.
"Here is the situation," she said. "A man is standing
up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his
balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help.
His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs
down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"
Little Mary raised her hand and asked, "To draw out all his savings?"
v v v v v
Exploring the Pros and Cons of Cleaning Windows Vista
http://www.dummies.com/WileyCDA/DummiesArticle/id-4405.html?cid=etipArticleLink?cid=articleFeature
Examining the pros and cons of cleaning your Windows Vista
computer system can help you decide whether you want to clean
your system right now or later. More
http://www.dummies.com/WileyCDA/DummiesArticle/id-4405.html?cid=etipArticleLink?cid=articleFeature
v v v v v
Do you like buying and using workout
tapes?
Me neither! But still, there
have to be
some out there that are worse than
others.
The Top 10
Crappiest Workout Tapes
10> "Sweating To William Hung"
9> "Flex Your Pecs To T-Rex"
8> Richard Simmons Steal-A-Meal
7> The one with the disclaimer: "Should you not be 100% satisfied
with the results following this regimen, remember: liposuction
is waaaaaay easier."
6> "Get Ripped" with Lindsay Lohan
5> "Mexican Food For The Total Lower Body Workout"
4> "Billy Blanks Kicks You In The Groin"
3> "Buns of Steel Wool"
2> "Can't-See-The-TV-From-These-Poses Yoga"
and the Number 1 Crappiest Workout Tape...
1> "MasterAb 8"
v v v v v
Sex Questions
An erogenous zone is an area where:
a. women tend to fall asleep
b. women tend to develop sudden headaches
c. men tend to laugh before the punchline
d. it is forbidden to park your rogenous
At least 50% of males suffer from premature:
a. emasculation
b. matriculation
c. baldness
d. laughter before the punchline
v v v v v
v v v v v
Here in the U.S. of A., gas prices are sky
high.
In fact, we're paying almost as much
as they
do in Europe! And now there's word
that the
government might even give us a one-day
break
from having to pay tax on gasoline
purchases.
So are we REALLY going
to have a gas
tax holiday? No telling
-- but let's
name that sucker now,
just in case.
The Top 17 Proposed Names for the Gas
Tax Holiday
17> Tanksgiving
16> MeMoreOil Day
15> Resourcehog Day
14> Hondakah
13> Exxmas
12> Take-It-Up-the-Ash Wednesday
11> Buying Votes for Election Day
10> Bendover
9> National Take Your Handgun to Work Day
8> 3 and 9/10s of July
7> The Feast of St. Halliburton
6> Oildependence Day
5> We're All Fools Day
4> HollowGestureWeen
3> Citgo de Mayo
2> "Everyone Benefits but Ed Begley, Jr." Day
and
Topfive.com's Number 1
Proposed Name for the Gas Tax
Holiday...
1> St. Vaseline's Day
v v v v v
Free
Online Service Removes Line Breaks from Text and More
Ever wanted to remove hard line breaks in some
text? Want to convert all uppercase text to lowercase?
Need to strip out tabs? You can do all of this and more for free using this terrific online service.
Definitely worth bookmarking.
http://www.textfixer.com/tools/remove-line-breaks.php
Free Legal Information on the Web
Josh Foreman, a newsletter subscriber and Seattle
attorney, has written a great article
for the new wiki site on how to access free legal information on the web.
This is a good page to bookmark; one day you might need it.
http://www.techsupportalert.com/free-legal-information-on-the-web.htm
v v v v v
"On Sunday, Hillary Clinton attended church services in
Bowling Green. It just so happened that the minister gave
a 60 minute sermon on adultery. Here is the really embar-
rassing part: Right after the minister finished, Bill
stood up and gave a 20 minute rebuttal."
Jay Leno
v v v v v
I had just moved from an apartment to a house in the same
small town. One day at the grocery store, I used the last of my
personalized checks bearing my old address. The cashier examined
the document and asked if everything on it was correct. I assured
her that it was, and she started to put the check in the cash
drawer. But then she inquired again if everything was accurate.
"Why do you ask?" I responded.
"Because," she replied, "my husband and I moved to this
apartment
yesterday, and I don't remember seeing you at breakfast."
v v v v v
Track Your
Gas Mileage with FuelFrog
Track your gas mileage by letting us know the miles you traveled on your last tank,
the price you paid, and how many gallons you added to your car.
FuelFrog will compile and trend information about your gas mileage,
the amount you spend, and more! In the near future, you'll be
able to compare your vehicle to others and see how you stack up.
With FuelFrog, you'll be able to:
- Quickly add info to your account after filling up.
- View trends for the amount you spend on gas.
- See how gas prices change in your city over time.
- Gain insight into how your car's gas mileage changes.
v v v v v
v v v v v
"In my country, we have two parties. The stupid party,
of which I am a member, and the evil party, which we oppose
vehemently. Sometimes my party wins, in which case we get lots
of stupid legislation. Sometimes the other party wins, in which
case we get lots of evil legislation. Occasionally, the parties
act together in what we call 'bipartisanship,' in which case we
get legislation which is both evil and stupid."
v v v v v
Top Ten
Questions On The Job Application For New York Knicks
President
10. Are you deeply committed to sucking?
9. Any suggestions for new ways to rip-off fans and overpay players?
8. Can you promise to deliver New York a winning team within
25 years?
7. Are you a cop?
6. Are you cool with Isiah Thomas calling you "Bitch"?
5. Can you transform this team from laughing stock to lovable losers?
4. Can you transform this team from laughing stock to lovable losers?
3. Do you mind the circus making the arena smell "Elephanty"?
2. Do you have any friends who can play center, power forward,
point guard or shooting guard?
1. Are you insane?
v v v v v
Top 10 Songs of 1980
http://80music.about.com/od/80smusic12/tp/topsongsof1980.htm
The year that chaotically bridged the '70s and its latter trends of disco and
punk with the new decade,
1980 was a dynamic and intriguing year for pop music. Accordingly, the best tunes from this year
tended to contain elements of the decade just passed even as they forged new paths,
such as the blending of
disco beats with heavy use of synthesizer, an instrument that would play
a huge role in the '80s.
iPod & iTunes For Dummies, 5th Edition:Book Information
- For Dummies
Whether it’s the iPod Nano, iPod Shuffle, video iPod, or some other variation,
iTunes and iPods go together like treble and bass. It’s so easy to purchase the latest music and videos,
download podcasts, and even keep track of your calendar on your iPod—so why wouldn’t you?
But if it’s so easy, why do
you need iPod and iTunes For Dummies?
iPods now come in everything from 1GB to 80GB models and play movies, store photos,
function as a spare hard drive, and even wake you up in the morning. If this is your first one,
you’ll find no better place to get acquainted with it than in this bestselling book.
If you’ve just purchased a brand-new iPod, you’ll find this Fifth Edition
packed with valuable tidbits
about the latest and greatest features.
v v v v v
A lonely wife brought a man she had just met at a bar home to
her bedroom one evening when she thought her husband was out
of town. They immediately tore each other's clothes off and
started going at it. She sat up quickly in bed as she heard
the key in the lock.
"Quick!" she said to the man, "it's my husband! You've got
to
get out of here quick!"
"Where's the back door?" the man asked as he grabbed his
clothes.
"There isn't one," she replied.
"Where would you like one?" he asked.
v v v v v
"A private school in
New York raised its tuition so much that now
it only has two students. As a result, this year's graduation has
only two categories: valedictorian and dumbass."
Conan O'Brien
v v v v v
MediaMax - Free Online Storage - Share Videos and Photos - Online MP3
Access
Another free online storage of data at http://www.mediamax.com ,
but this one offers a whopping 25 GB to store and access files from any Web browser,
share files without size
restrictions, host videos, audio, images, and more, and backup files
and data.
::: i-Lighter ::: Collect, Organize and Create the web
ttp://www.i-lighter.com/
Highlight, Clip and Annotate on any
just as you would on
paper
* One Click highlighting automatically saves to your
online account
* Highlight and write on any webpage!
* As simple as using a yellow highlighter and
Post-It Notes
and so much more!
Fuser – Simplify your online life
FUSER checks all your POP3 email accounts along with social networks:
AOL, Exchange, GMail, Hotmail, SquirrelMail, Yahoo, Yahoo Beta, MySpace, and Facebook.
Free download at
http://www.fuser.com/(X(1)S(tnket1455wxict45dtvznkzq))/Default.aspx?AspxAutoDetectCookieSupport=1
and easy to set up
account.
KoolWIRE
KOOLWIRE at http://www.koolwire.com/
allows you to send an email message
and attach a file you want to convert to PDF. It returns the file converted to a PDF document
v v v v v
Noticing that her husband's relationship with the alluring young miss
across the street was becoming more than a little friendly, the
suspicious wife awoke one morning to find herself alone in bed.
Angered, she dialed her attractive neighbor and bellowed into the
phone, "Tell my husband to get his ass across the street."
"Ma'am," a soft, sexy voice replied, "That's where he's been getting
it for some time now."
v v v v v
As he was driving home from work, a man in a rural community was
stopped by a local police officer. The motorist was given a ticket
for failing to come to a full stop at a stop sign.
"Don't I get a warning?" he protested.
The officer replied, "Sure. If you don't come to a complete stop
next time, you'll get another ticket."
v v v v v
submitted by: DeVulcano
v v v v v
A mother complained to her doctor about her daughter's strange
eating habits: "All day long she lies in bed and eats yeast and
car wax. What will happen to her?"
"Eventually" said the doctor, "she will rise and shine!"
v v v v v
Sadie stopped by an usher at the entrance to the synagogue.
The usher asked, "Are you a friend of the bride?"
Sadie quickly relied, "No, of course not. I am the groom's mother."
v v v v v
Three fishermen were fishing
when they came upon a mermaid, who offered them one wish each.
The first fisherman said: “Double my I.Q.” so the mermaid did it and, to his
surprise, he started reciting Shakespeare.
Then the second fisherman said: “Triple my I.Q.” and sure enough the mermaid
did it. Amazingly,
he started doing complex
math problems he didn’t even know existed.
The third fisherman was so impressed he asked the mermaid to quadruple his
I.Q.,
but the mermaid asked, “Are
you sure about that? It will change your whole life!”
“Yes, yes,” replied the impatient fisherman, “quadruple my I.Q.”
So the mermaid turned him into a woman.
v v v v v
PC World - Fast Windows Fixes
http://www.pcworld.com/article/id,139784-page,2-c,vistalonghorn/article.html
Put Some Sizzle in Your
Startups
Problem: Windows never seems to start fast enough for me.
Fast Fix 1: Your computer could be loading device drivers for hardware
you no longer use. To save on system resources, uninstall those drivers. Since a
careless choice can cause your machine to lose an important function, however,
create a restore point in System Restore before proceeding. More at the site
v v v v v
A boss was educating an employee on effective sales technique.
"The main thing to remember is that repetition, repetition,
repetition is the keynote!" he advised. "If you have a product
to sell, keep harping on it in every possible way, cram it down
people's throats and beat them over the head with it! Above all,
don't ever forget to repeat and repeat and repeat! It's the only
way to get results!"
"Yes, sir!" the employee answered.
"And now, what was it you came in to see me about?" the boss asked.
The employee replied, "A Raise! A Raise! A Raise! A Raise! A
Raise! A Raise! A Raise!"
v v v v v
Premature Ejaculation: The come before the scorn
v v v v v
Jill: John is talking about getting married.
Mary: Wow! Well, if he does ask you, don't delay! Say, "Yes!" right
away!
Jill: What's the hurry?
Mary: Men have very short memories when it comes to that
subject. Sometimes they forget before you can even get your clothes
back on!
v v v v v
Futhman's father walks into the bathroom and catches him
masturbating. He says, "Son, every time you do that you kill an
innocent baby."
The next day his father walks into the bathroom and catches him again.
Futh says, "Bow your head, Dad. Can't you see we're having a
funeral?"
v v v v v
v v v v v
The Top 15 Ways We at TopFive
Are Helping to Save the Environment
15> Only using 100 percent post-consumer recycled paper and
soy-based inks when photocopying our butts.
14> Fleet of TopFive Hummer stretch limos replaced by rickshaws
pulled by orphaned children.
13> Less reliance on hard-to-biodegrade condoms than on recyclable
Juggs magazines.
12> Our dates? 100 percent recycled plastic!
11> Prodigious quantities of methane gas produced by TopFive
staffers now harnessed to power Chris White's collection
of personal massage implements.
10> Preserving our personal energy by not having sex since 1978!
9> All TopFive humor is 90 percent post-consumer content.
And you *don't* want to know where we get the raw material.
8> The good news: Carbon footprint smaller.
The bad news: Carbon assprint much, much larger.
7> TopFive contributor's lounge now 87 percent fuel efficient
on "Bean burrito Tuesdays."
6> TopFive corporate policy mandates that all contributors use
only sustainable, locally-grown organic weed.
5> Cutting our wastewater in half by now showering every *other* month.
4> Using far less paper by publishing Top 5 lists instead of,
say... oh, Top 14 or Top 15 lists.
3> Until cloning is possible, the chance of any of us reproducing
is virtually nil.
2> Outright laughter ejects trace amounts of greenhouse gases
into the atmosphere, but quiet chuckles don't. So we're
working diligently to keep it down to "vaguely droll."
and Topfive.com's Number
1 Way We at
TopFive Are Helping to Save the
Environment...
1> By using an army of unpaid shut-ins, Chris White has been
able to create an Internet empire with the carbon footprint
of a lemonade stand.
v v v v v
submitted by: BADVETTE87
Tampa Florida Street Rod Show - Drive Magazine
Awesome site -- trust me on this!
Before You Complain About Gas Prices… ~ OzTech
If you are an American living in the United States, you might not want to complain too loud about gas prices.
People from other countries might hear you and laugh.
The United States ranks 45th out of 155 countries in price paid for gas.
Americans also pay less than half of what they do in the United Kingdom.
Other European countries also pay nothing close to the low price of $4 a gallon found here in the States.
If you’re a typical American yuppie that likes to buy Starbucks every day,
you probably paid more for your drink this morning than you did for a gallon of gas.
Think about it, you get one gallon of something that runs your vehicle and gets you to work.
Editors note: I am still whining about the cost of gas!! But I have to admit that
the Starbucks comment made me stop and think!
v v v v v
After much urging by his wife, my Uncle Joe applied for work on a
farm. The foreman decided to give him a try and told him to milk
a cow, equipping him with a stool and a bucket.
An hour later Uncle Joe returned dirty and sweaty, the bucket in
one hand and the broken stool in the other.
"Extracting the milk was easy," he explained. "The worst part
was getting the cow to sit on the stool!"
v v v v v
A blonde is driving down a country road. She looks over to the
right, and sees another blond, in a row boat, out in the middle
of a field, rowing.
The first blond can't believe her eyes, stops the car, and gets
out to look at the blond in the rowboat. The longer she looks,
the madder she gets.
Finally she says: "You know, it's blondes like you that give the
rest of us a bad name. You're just sitting in the middle of a
field in a row boat rowing. That's so stupid! If I could swim,
I'd come out there and kick your ass!"
v v v v v
I'm a police officer and occasionally park my cruiser in residential
areas to watch for speeders. One Sunday morning I was staked out
in a driveway when I saw a large dog trot up to my car.
He stopped and sat just out of arm's reach. No matter how much
I tried to coax him to come for a pat on the head, he refused
to budge.
After a while, I decided to move to another location. I pulled
out of the driveway, looked back, and learned the reason for the
dog's stubbornness. He quickly picked up the newspaper I'd been
parked on and dutifully ran back to his master.
v v v v v
submitted by: BillieJo50
v v v v v
"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.
Please do not leave children or spouses."
v v v v v
In the bathroom at my doctor's office, there's
a little trap door in the wall with a sign
that reads, "Place urine sample here."
Are they crazy? How the hell do they think I'm
going to be able to aim all the way up there?
Jill Gallagher
v v v v v
A man robs a bank and takes hostages.
He asks the first hostage, "did you see me rob the bank".
The hostage answers "yes".
The robber, promptly, shoots him in the head.
Then he asks the second hostage if he saw him rob the bank.
The hostage answers, "no, but my wife did".
v v v v v
submitted by: KP1983
Crafts for Kids http://www.enchantedlearning.com/crafts/
"crafts projects using materials found around the house, like egg cartons,
cardboard, paper, boxes, string, crayons, paint, glue,
etc."
Games Kids Play http://www.gameskidsplay.net/
"rules for playground games, verses for jump-rope rhymes, and much
more."
Internet Picture Dictionary http://www.pdictionary.com/
kid-level, with cartoon illustrations. Includes some word games.
Kids Click - Web Search for Kids by Librarians http://sunsite.berkeley.edu/KidsClick!/
a good master directory of kids' sites; the search engine searches just those
chosen sites.
World of Reading - Book Reviews for Kids, by Kids [Ann Arbor District Library] http://worldreadin.org/
Browse by subject, search by title or author, or browse by the country
reviewers come
from to find what books are popular with kids in other countries.
v v v v v
submitted by: lg1
Bubbles and Barbie, two blonde sisters had promised their uncle, who had been a seafaring
gentleman all his life, to bury him at sea when he died. Of course, in due time,
he did pass away and the two blondes kept their promise.
They set off from Clearwater Beach with their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.
After a while Bubbles says, "Do you think we're out far enough, Barbie?"
Barbie slipped over the side and finding the water only knee deep said,
"Nope, not yet Bubbles." So they row a little farther. Again Bubbles asks Barbie, "Do you think were out far enough now?"
Once again Barbie slips over the side and almost immediately says,
"No, this will never do, the water is only up to my chest."
So on they row and row and row, and finally Barbie slips over the side and disappears.
Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Bubbles is really getting worried
when suddenly Barbie breaks the surface gasping for breath. "Well, is it deep enough yet, Sis?"
"Yes, finally! Hand me the shovel."
v v v v v
Butt Naked
Scale ingredients to servings
1 oz amaretto almond liqueur
1 oz Southern Comfort® peach liqueur
4 - 6 oz cranberry juice
Mix Amaretto, Southern Comfort, and cranberry juice.
Garnish w/ Maraschino Cherry and Lime.
Hop Skip and Go Naked
1 1/2 oz. Beer
1 oz. Vodka
Lemonade
Mixing Instruction
Pour over ice cubes, garnish with lemon Slice.
v v v v v
submitted by: oldwild
A Marine and a sailor were sitting in a bar one day arguing over which was
the superior service. After a swig of beer the Marine says, "Well,
we had Iwo Jima."
Arching his eyebrows, the sailor replies, "We had the Battle of Midway."
"Not entirely true", responded the Marine.
"Some of those pilots were Marines, in fact, Henderson Field on
Guadalcanal
was named after a Marine pilot killed at the Battle of Midway."
The sailor responds, "Point taken."
The Marine then says, "We Marines were born at Tunn Tavern!"
The sailor, nodding agreement, says, "But we had John Paul Jones."
The argument continued until the sailor comes up with what he thinks will
end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, "The Navy
invented sex!"
The Marine replies, "That is true, but it was the Marines who introduced
it
to women."
v v v v v
submitted by: SHAYNABUTTONS
v v v v v
There's something about bedding a virgin
that is truly exciting.
Especially to
this band of sex
addicts. So I asked
them, "Just how do
you go about it?"
The Top 9 Songs To Convince a Virgin To Give It
Up
9> "How Deep is Your Love (Pleeeeeze Let Me Go Deeper)"
8> "Cherry-poppin's just another word for 'nothin' left to lose'."
7> "And Iiiieeeeiiiii Will Always Love Youuuuuuu (for the next
three minutes, at least)"
6> "I'll Do Anything for Love (But I Won't Do That 'Cause It's,
Like, Ew, Gross!)
5> "Take my bone tonight."
4> "I too have been saving myself for just this moment."
3> "You Want It That Way (trust me)"
2> "Wake up, Maggie, I think I've got something to put in you."
and the Number 1 Song To Convince a Virgin To Give It Up...
1> "Imagine There's No Hymen. It's Easy If You Try."
v v v v V
submitted by: pavanco1
Six Flags Theme Parks - Adult admission at kid's price
Purchase your Six Flax Theme Parks tickets online and get adult admission at the same price as a kid's.
Tickets vary in price from park to park, but it boils down to a $15 savings as
compared to buying them directly at the park. Offer ending unknown
2. http://baskinrobbins.com/coupon/softserve.html
Print this coupon and bring it to your local Baskin-Robbins
store to receive a free 3 oz. Soft
Serve cone of equal or lesser value when you buy a 3 oz. Soft Serve cone. Some
restrictions
may apply. Offer valid at participating Baskin-Robbins stores in the US only.
Offer expires 05/27/08.
But you don't have to miss your favorite shows. You can buy a DVR and watch them on your schedule.
Of course, DVRs can be costly. You'll probably also need to sign up for a monthly subscription to use the DVR.
There is an alternative, though. You can catch your favorite shows online. You'll have to watch them on your computer.
But they won't cost you a dime.Where do you go to find television shows online? You could visit the networks' sites.
But MeeVee is a better solution. At MeeVee, you can see shows from all the major networks.
Then, head over to the message boards. You can comment on shows, movies, celebrities and more!
When it comes to the FBI, some people get a little nervous. Most of the time, that’s probably deserved.
They've done something wrong. Perhaps their picture is on the bulletin board at the post office.
There could be a reward for their capture. Most of us know we have nothing to worry about.
But that doesn't mean the FBI doesn't have files on us! Maybe you were involved in a protest or a civil rights march.
Or, maybe you know someone the FBI deemed a person of interest. Then, you might have a file.
Now that I've piqued your interest, head over to today's Cool Site. Use it to generate a letter requesting your file.
Send it off to the FBI. While you're at it, send letters to the CIA and other agencies.
What the heck, something might turn up. All of this is made possible by the Freedom of Information Act and the Privacy Act.
Click here:
http://www.gmap-pedometer.com/
Gmaps Pedometer is a Google map. You can zoom in to your area.
Then, click Start Recording. Double-click the map to highlight your path.
Gmaps Pedometer will calculate the distance you ran or walked! Save the route, or print a map for posterity.
You can even export your route in GPX format. This lets you share it with GPS software installed on your computer.
WeatherBonk brings a new dimension to weather sites.
It lets you view weather reports from a variety of sources. The reports are accompanied by a map.
You can see how temperatures differ across your city or in nearby areas. Maybe you need help visualizing the weather.
WeatherBonk will help with that, too. You can view live Webcams on the same page!
submitted by: OVILAFB
Click here: A little extra! » Post Topic » The Crow And The Kitten
I love it!!
Click here: Companies Named After People - AOL Money & Finance
Arby's, Taco Bell, adidas -- sure, you've heard of them, but did you know how they got their names originally?
AOL Editors combed through well-known company Web sites looking for the stories behind the names.
In particular, we looked for those that were named after real
people.
Click through our gallery as we round up our favorite finds.
http://www.other23.com/src/motorola/colors/
check out this Motorola site. It is designed to promote the company’s cell phones.
How? It offers you a canvas for drawing. You can pick from several colors of “ink.”
The colors correspond to the colors of Motorola’s phones.
Maybe you’re not adept at drawing. That’s okay; I’m not the world’s best, either.
Fortunately for us, it’s not drawing in the traditional sense. Each stroke is actually a series of abstract shapes.
So you get some really cool designs.
Spend some time playing around. Notice how the shapes change size based on your mouse’s movements.
Maybe you’ll come up with something cool. In that case, you can save it as an animated screen saver and desktop wallpaper.
Of course, Motorola would also like it if you shared it with friends and family!
Click here: Zamzar - Free online file conversion
It's happened to all of us. We get a file that we would like to edit. But we don't have the correct software to open the file.
There is usually a way to convert files to a usable format. But that can involve buying new software.
Or, maybe we get lucky and find a free converter online.
Well, I have a better solution for you: Zamzar. This site will convert files among a variety of formats. It handles music, video and documents.
But one feature is sure to draw attention. You can convert a PDF file to a Word document! That means you can edit PDF files sent to you.
To get started, simply upload your file and choose the desired format. Then, enter your e-mail address and click Convert.
A link to the new file will be mailed to you.
You can convert files at Zamzar for free. However, you can only convert five files at once.
The combined file sizes cannot exceed 100 megabytes.
If you have larger files, you can sign up for a paid account
v v v v v
Sue Summers was reading a book of the ancient land of Egypt.
"Harry," she said to her husband, "do you know that it took
them over a hundred years to build a single pyramid? Isn't that
remarkable?"
Harry: "Yeah, it sure is. But y'know something....I think they
must have used the same contractor who remodeled our kitchen."
v v v v v
I hate cargo pants, mainly because of the name. I don't really
need that constant reminder that my ass is big enough to be shipped
as freight.
Scott E. Frank
v v v v v
v v v v v
Note to self: When someone greets you
with a perfunctory "How's it goin'?"
the proper response is "I'm good, how
are you?" -- not "My sphincter aches."
Mark D. Sabien
v v v v v
"A new CNN poll just came out about the campaign. Interesting
results. ... A new study shows that wine drinkers prefer Hillary
Clinton to the other candidates. Yeah, after hearing this, Bill
Clinton asked, 'How much wine have they had?'"
Conan O'Brien
v v v v v
It's winter in Manitoba
And the gentle breezes blow -
Seventy miles an hour
At thirty-five below.
Oh, how I love Manitoba
When the snow's up to your butt -
You take a breath of winter
And your nose gets frozen shut.
Yes, the weather here is wonderful
So I guess I'll hang around;
I could never leave Manitoba
'Cause I'm frozen to the ground!
v v v v v
Spyware
Cleaner - How To Delete Spyware From Your System
By KetawaUbat(KetawaUbat)
Azwan Asmat is the author of Chuang Computer Tips - http://chuangcomputer.blogspot.com/
Want to know the secret of securing your PC from dangerous spyware, adware,
and malware programs that can ruin your PC, your finances, ...
Can you please explain what the Microsoft Windows Malicious Software Removal Tool is?
It comes through every month with the Windows Updates, but I've never really figured out what it does.
A:
Oh, that's such a good question! I've been asked this question several times in
the past and to be honest,
I thought we already covered it in the newsletter. That's the only reason why I never addressed it.
But, after taking a quick look through our archives, I found out we've touched on it before,
but we never really gave a good definition of it. So, before I go any further,
I just want to apologize for neglecting this for so long and I hope my explanation of it today will make up for lost time.
Let's get started, shall we?!
Here's the basic definition you've been looking for!
The Microsoft Windows Malicious Software Removal Tool is a utility that scans your computer for any infections
that revolve around malicious software. If anything is found, the Removal Tool then helps to get rid of it.
A few examples of the software it focuses on a bit more are Blaster, Sasser and Mydoom.
Once the scan is finished and the malicious software is removed from your computer,
the Tool gives you a report describing everything that was detected and removed.
Now, like the person who asked today's question stated, a version of the
Microsoft Windows Malicious Software Removal Tool is released each month with the Windows Updates.
Other versions of the Tool are also released when needed to help out with new security issues.
The version you install each month through the Windows Updates simply sits in the
background on your computer and alerts you if an infection is found.
You are able to run the Tool more than once a month if you wish, but in order to do that,
you need to download a different copy from Microsoft's Web site. That's completely up to you!
It's possible that some of you neglect to install the Microsoft Windows Malicious Software Removal Tool each month.
You may think your computer is just fine and you're convinced you don't need another utility running on your computer.
Well, everyone's entitled to their own opinion, but I strongly recommend you run the Tool at least once a month.
Even if your computer seems to be acting normal, you're still at risk of being infected.
The Removal Tool is heavy duty and it makes a big difference when it comes to keeping your computer safe.
You should also make sure you keep all of your other antivirus, spyware, etc. software up to date.
Those programs can work along with the Tool to keep your computer as protected as possible.
Also, just for your information, the Microsoft Windows Malicious Software Removal Tool works with the following operating systems:
Windows 2000, XP, Vista and Server 2003. Stay safe!
~ Erin
worldstart.com
v v v v v
My carbon footprint pales in
comparison to my carbon assprint.
Richard Skora
v v v v v
An old man was having an on-going affair with a widow.
They had a standing date to meet once a month for a nite
of passion.
After their April tryst, he said to her, "See ya in May."
She sighed and replied, "Is sex all you ever think about ?"
v v v v v
submitted by: SHAYNABUTTONS
v v v v v
submitted by: BADVETTE87
GEORGE CARLIN'S NEW RULES FOR 2008
New Rule: The more complicated the
Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole.
If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double -shot,
gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge asshole.
New Rule: No more gift registries You know, it used to be just for weddings.
Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.
Picking out the stuff you
want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white
people version of looting.
New Rule: Stop giving me
that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to
people for 25 years.
Because you don't particularly like them! Besides,
I already know what the
captain of the football team is doing these days --- mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat
anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull.
People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili.
Hey, it cost less than a
dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?
New Rule: Stop saying
that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently
damaged.
I have a better description
for these kids: 'Lucky bastards.'
New Rule: If you need to
shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope.
If you're a kid, the cards
are keep sakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule: Ladies, leave
your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows:
Do you have two of them?
Good, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such
thing as flavored water.
There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but, without that watery taste.
Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water?
Pour some scotch over ice
and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop screwing
with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's
square,
with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it,
his ass will be in the
morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security
crisis.
New Rule: I'm not the
cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering My PIN
number,
pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again,
the kid who is supposed to
be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule: Just because
your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual.
It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to 'beef with broccoli.'
The last time you did
anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're
not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: Competitive
eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins.
ESPN Recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes
at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting?
Oh wait, they're already
doing that. It's called 'The Howard Stern Show.'
New Rule: I don't need a
bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and
eat two.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on
making movies based on crappy old television shows,
then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens.
Let's remember the reason
something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good
enough to be a movie.
New Rule: And this one is
long overdue: No more bathroom attendants.
After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael.
I can't even tell If he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish.
I don't want to be on your
web cam, Dude. I just want to wash my hands
New Rule: When I ask how
old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.'
'He's two' will do just
fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
New Rule: If you ever
hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than Minimum wage,
then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh.
If so, then plan your future around saying, 'Do you want fries with that?'
v v v v v
by deb
Cancer Vixen - A True Story
by Marisa Acocella Marchetto
'What happens when a shoe-crazy, lipstick-obsessed, pasta-slurping,
fashion-fanatic, madly-in-love,
about-to-get married, big-city-girl
cartoonist with a fabulous life finds . . . a lump in her breast?'
That's the question that sets this funny, powerful and poignant
graphic memoir in motion.
In vivid color and with a taboo-breaking sense of humour, Marisa Marchetto tells the story of her 11-month,
ultimately triumphant bout with breast cancer -
from diagnosis to cure, and every challenging step in between.
But Cancer Vixen is about more than surviving an illness.
It is a portrait of one woman's supercharged life
in Manhattan, and a wonderful love story
What's not to love about this extremely unique book - it's about the reality
of cancer with a lot of humor thrown in. I hope she writes more
books - this one
was wonderful on so many different levels.
v v v v v
The
husband was furious when he found out the checking account was
empty. When he confronted his wife, she simply said, "It's my
turn."
"What do you mean, your turn?" yelled the husband.
"In bed," she explained,
"you've been making early withdrawals for years. Now, it's
my turn."
v v v v v
Mac Gems: Little Snitch 2.0.3
A useful companion to Mac OS X's built-in firewall, Little Snitch alerts you when programs
"phone home" and lets you control outgoing network connections.
v v v v v
"New York's new governor, David Paterson.....He's black, he's blind
and he's hornier than the last guy. ... He hadn't taken his hand
off the Bible when they swore him in before he admitted to having
multiple affairs. See, this is what women don't get about the male
sex drive. He was blind and he still wanted to see other people."
Bill Maher
v v v v v
"People magazine published the first pictures of Jennifer Lopez's
twins. I got all excited and went out and bought the magazine...and
it's pictures of her children! Not what I expected at all."
Craig Ferguson
v v v v v
"Some public schools now will be serving sushi. Well, if you love
cafeteria meatloaf, you're going to really love cafeteria sushi!"
Dave Letterman
v v v v v
v v v v v
A quiet new nurse had just started working in a tight-knit
ER.
The other nurses were concerned that she might not share in the workplace
banter they had developed.
Their fears were soon relieved.
One night, one of the nurses observed this new nurse sitting alone at the
nurse's station.
"Are you the only fool here?" the veteran asked.
"Not anymore," replied the newbie, without missing a beat.
v v v v v
No matter how good it was, no matter to what heights of
ecstasy you may have been transported, no matter how
much in love you are, and no matter how grateful you may be......
NEVER, EVER, after a blow job, say to your partner:
"Thanks, cocksucker!"
v v v v v
submitted by: KP1983
Visit with Santa Claus at northpole.com
http://www.northpole.com/Kitchen/Cookbook/rec0728.html
Triple chocolate torte
Santa Claus at northpole.com
http://www.northpole.com/Kitchen/Cookbook/rec0546.html
Oreo cheesecake
Santa Claus at northpole.com
http://www.northpole.com/Kitchen/Cookbook/rec0531.html
Ice cream chocolate roll
v v v v v
Frantic mother to pediatrician's office: "My baby has a
high
temperature!"
"How high is it?"
"102."
"How are you taking it?"
"Oh, I'm holding up pretty well!"
v v v v v
Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.
v v v v v
v v v v v
The Top 9 Names of Rock Bands If They
Suddenly Became Country or
Bluegrass Bands
9> Midnight Earl
8> Y'all2
7> Banjo-vi
6> AhYup
5> Bubba Springsteen and the RFD #1 Band
4> Haulin' Oats
3> Minnie Pearl Jam
2> Faith Hill No More
and the Number 1 Name of a
Rock Band If It
Suddenly Became a Country or
Bluegrass Band...
1> Crosby, Stills & NASCAR
v v v v v
I don't understand woman at all. My new
girlfriend tried to use the old "It makes
me gag" excuse when I asked her for a blowjob.
Then when I showed it to her so she'd know
there was no way *my* penis was going to make
her gag, she just pointed at it and laughed.
Nick Smith
v v v v v
PC World - How to Set Up a Wi-Fi Network
http://www.pcworld.com/video/id,368-page,3-bid,4/video.html
A Wi-Fi network is a great way to network your home PCs, stream media files, or
share a Net connection. They'll show you how.
PC World - Fast Windows Fixes
http://www.pcworld.com/article/id,139784-page,12-c,vistalonghorn/article.html
v v v v v
Two friends are discussing the possibility of love.
"I thought I was in love three times," one friend says.
"How so"? his friend asks.
"Five years ago, I deeply cared for a
woman who wanted nothing to do with me."
"Was that not love"? his friend asks.
"No," he replies. "That was obsession.
And then two years ago, I deeply cared
for an attractive woman who didn't understand me."
"Was that love"?
"No," he replies. "That was lust.
And just last year, I met a woman aboard
a cruise ship to the Caribbean. She was
smart, funny, and a great
conversationalist. And everywhere we
met on that boat, I would get this
strange sensation in the pit of my stomach."
"Was that love"? his friend asks.
"No," he replies. "That was seasickness."
v v v v v
At a Texas high school a group of high schooler’s played a prank on the school.
They let THREE goats loose in the school. Before they let them go,
they painted numbers on the sides of the goats: 1, 2, and 4.
Local school administrators spent most of the day looking for #3.
v v v v v
Blame it on Saint Andreas, it's his fault!
v v v v v
v v v v v
A former Weather Channel anchor has stirred
upper-level turbulence with a
lawsuit
contending that her
former co-anchor
sexually harassed her for two
years. She
took affront and eventually
complained to
management, and claims
that she was
downgraded before being blown out to
sea.
(Sigh. You think it's easy coming up
with
material for this space week after
week?)
The Top 7
Weatherperson Pickup Lines
7> "Your lips say Alberta Clipper, but your eyes say Heat
Lightning."
6> "Is that a tornado warning in your pants or are you just glad to see
me?"
5> "I'd like to seed your funnel cloud, baby."
4> "Looks like NOAA needs to issue a hottie warning for this
area."
3> "Wanna see the local on *my* 8?"
2> "There's a pressure system building just south of Loinsburg."
and the Number 1 Weatherperson Pickup Line...
1> "My tongue has a warm front that could cause some major
flooding in the delta tonight."
v v v v v
Jethro: Hello, is this the
law firm of Wilson, Wilson, Wilson, and Wilson?
Voice on the phone: Yes, it is.
Jethro: May I talk to Mr. Wilson?
Voice on the phone: I’m sorry, he’s out to lunch.
Jethro: Then may I talk to Mr. Wilson?
Voice on the phone: I’m sorry, he’s on a business trip.
Jethro: Then may I talk to Mr. Wilson?
Voice on the phone: I’m sorry, but he’s out today with a cold.
Jethro: Well, then may I talk to Mr. Wilson?
Voice on the phone: Speaking!
v v v v v
Providing Light for Your Orchids - For
Dummies
Different types of orchids have varying light requirements because they naturally grow in a wide range of habitats.
Some thrive in full sun on exposed rocks, while
others are at home in dense jungle shade.
The leaves of the plant give you some clue as to their light requirements
(see Figure 1).
Those with very tough, thick, stout, and sometimes narrow leaves frequently are adapted to very high light
intensity. When the leaves are softer, more succulent, and wider,
this is usually a clue that they're from a
lower-light environment.
Flocking to Moth Orchids - For Dummies
http://www.dummies.com/WileyCDA/DummiesArticle/id-2891.html?cid=etipArticleLink)\
Moth orchids (phalaenopsis) are the most popular orchids grown today.
According to the American Orchid Society, moth orchids account for 75 percent of all orchids sold!
They offer everything that most orchid growers admire and are the fastest and easiest to grow.
They bloom for a long time — from many weeks to months.
The flowers are classy and borne on elegant arched sprays. And moth orchids come in a broad range of colors.
Their foliage is beautiful glossy green or marbled, they have very modest light requirements,
and they grow well in temperatures commonly found in the home.
v v v v v
Little Johnny and his brother walk into a pharmacy. They pick out a box of
Tampax and proceed to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asks Little Johnny, “Son, how old are you?”
“Eight,” Little Johnny replies.
The man continues, “Do you know what these are used for?”
“Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's
four.
We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now he can't do either one.”
v v v v v
The Dallas Cowboys have announced the signing of a new wide receiver.
His name is Bin Laden - he's 6 foot 4 inches and no one can catch him.
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Redneck Pickup Lines
1) Did you fart? Cuz you blew me away.
2) Are yer parents retarded? Cuz ya sure are special.
3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea. I can't hold it in.
4) Do you have a library card? Cuz I'd like to sign you out.
5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? Cuz I can see myself in em.
6) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch
away.
7) Man - “Fat Penguin!”
Woman - “WHAT?”
Man - “I just wanted to say
something that would break the ice.”
8) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.
9) I can't find my puppy - can you help me find him? I think he went inta this
cheap motel room.
10) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
11) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon.
12) Yer face reminds me of a wrench - every time I think of you my nuts tighten
up.
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A Canine Case of B.O.
http://www.dummies.com/WileyCDA/DummiesTip/id-4949.html?cid=articleFeature
If your dog's offensive aroma doesn't come from the mouth or
ears, he may have a problem. Canine body odor isn't necessarily
normal, despite the existence of the term "doggy odor." If you
know that your senior pooch hasn't rolled in something
disgusting, his embarrassing (to you, not to him) aroma may
reflect one of several conditions. More
Traveling with Your Dog by Jet Plane
http://www.dummies.com/WileyCDA/DummiesArticle/id-2431.html?cid=etipArticleLink?cid=articleFeature
Whatever the reason for your airline trip, don't just show up at
the airline counter with your dog and expect to jump right into
your window seat. (Generally, you should plan on checking in your
Pug (or any other breed) at the airport two to three hours before
your departure.) The airline industry and individual airlines
have conditions and rules that may not be so friendly to dogs who
want to spread their air wings. More
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How To Feel Better
1. Open a new file in your
computer.
2. Name it “Hillary Rodham Clinton”.
3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.
4. Click on “Empty the Recycle Bin”.
5. Your PC will ask you, “Do you really want to get rid of Hillary Rodham
Clinton?”
6. Firmly Click, “Yes.”
7. Feel better.
PS - Tomorrow we'll do Nancy Pelosi...
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I've got a new name for that designer
fragrance the lady insisted on spraying
on me today at Macy's:
Migraine #5.
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Arrhythmia Quiz
http://yourtotalhealth.ivillage.com/arrhythmia-quiz.html?nlcid=hr|01-04-2008
Your score on the arrhythmia quiz is not as important as the fact that it
could help solidify your knowledge of arrhythmias and maybe even teach you something you didn't know about this very important topic.
To complete the arrythmia quiz, simply click on the most correct answer for each question and then click "Submit."
You will immediately be given the correct answer and additional information about arrhythmia.
Your final score will be given at the end of the self–test, along with some links to additional information on arrhythmia.
After reading that additional information, we recommend that
you re–take the quiz. Good luck!
Palpitations
http://yourtotalhealth.ivillage.com/palpitations.html?nlcid=hr|01-04-2008
Palpitation is an awareness of a strong, fast, irregular, abnormal or
“galloping” heartbeat.
Palpitations tend to be unpleasant and may even be quite violent.
They are caused by a change in the heart's rhythm or rate or an increase in the force of its contractions.
Fortunately, palpitations are usually brief, and the
majority of them are benign. More about this at the site
Hoping Coos and Eye Contact Can Thwart Autism - Well - Tara Parker-Pope -
Health - New York Times Blog
http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/01/03/hoping-coos-and-eye-contact-can-thwart-autism/
A first-of-its-kind autism prevention study will test whether
high-risk babies are
helped by extra eye contact and attention from
parents.
University of Washington autism researchers are hoping to recruit
200 Seattle-area babies
who have an older sibling diagnosed with autism for the $11.3 million study.
Autism affects as many as one in every 150 newborns in the United States,
but the risk is as high as one in 20 for infants who have a sibling with autism
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I
wonder if the French word for "eat" is
"app," 'cause then
the word "applesauce"
would be
"eat-the-sauce" in France, and
I bet those dirty French would hate
that.
Viagra's latest ad campaign features a band
made up of dudes in their fifties,
sitting
around playing "Viva Las Vegas"
with substituted
lyrics praising the virtues of
bonerceuticals.
We TopFivers have a few requests for the
band...
The
Top 20 Classic Rock Songs on the Viagra Singers Set List
20> Stairway to Humpin'
19> Walk With an Erection
18> New Dork, New Dork
17> Pokey Pokey (That's What It's All About!)
16> A Day in the Wife
15> Your Love Keeps Lifting Me Higher and Now I Can Stay There
14> Maggie's Pharm
13> If You Can't Get No Satisfaction *NOW*, It's Your Own
Damn Fault
12> Iron Manhood
11> All My Dong's a Watchtower
10> Sweet Chubby O' Mine
9> Instant Kama-Sutra
8> Thank You (Falletinme Pit Chat Ent Agin)
7> Nowwegettin' Wood
6> Love Me TWENTY-Two Times
5> It's Still Rock So Roll With Me
4> Johnny B. Woode
3> Ticket to Rod
2> Theme From "Shaft Returns"
and Topfive.com's
Number 1 Classic
Rock Song on the Viagra Singers Set List...
1> The Erection of Edmund Fitzgerald
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Best Bathroom Gadgets - Switched: Gadgets, Tech, Digital Stuff for the
Rest of Us
http://www.switched.com/2008/01/16/best-bathroom-gadgets-3/
Anyone who has been to Japan, Australia, or any other country that brings the
butt-washing love understands the sheer joy and utility of the bidet. At $1300,
the Kohler (http://www.kohler.com/) C3-200 isn't cheap, but the combination
of an in-line heater to warm up that water before it gets sprayed up your bum, dryer,
and a remote control to facilitate the whole process is borderline euphoric.
There's also a cheaper model
(C3-100, $750), for more budget-conscious poopers.
Weird Uses for Food Around the House - AOL Food
http://food.aol.com/play-with-your-food/weird-uses-for-food
Strange but according to this article, they work!
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As an experiment, I responded to all of those
male-enhancement spam e-mails for one week. Now
I'm 37-1/2 feet long. As an added bonus, I now
have a place to keep all those fake Rolexes.
Joe F.
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The Top 9
Rejected Web Site Marketing Slogans
9> AOL: "Your partners in ignorance and stupidity"
8> eBay.com: "Cash for crap, crap for cash"
7> Hormel.com: "Register for free Spam!"
6> Microsoft.com: "Your money = our passion"
5> Google: "We're sorry, we couldn't hear you over the sound of
how awesome we are"
4> MySpace: "Geocities for the New Millennium"
3> YouTube: "Yep, we've got drunk Britney!"
2> Playboy.com: "The cold light of the computer screen is as
close as you're ever going to get"
and the Number 1 Rejected Web Site Marketing Slogan...
1> Wikipedia: "This Wikipedia ad is a stub. You can help by
writing it."
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You know what comes between me and my Calvins?
Nothing. Unless "between" actually means
"all over," in which case the answer is
"my premature-ejaculating boyfriend."
Jill Gallagher
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Nights in England are coal black, making parachute jumps very difficult.
We attach small lights called chemlites to make our jumpsuits visible to the rest of the team.
Late one night, lost after a practice jump, we knocked at the door of a small
cottage.
When a woman answered, she was greeted by the sight of five men festooned in glowing chemlites.
"Excuse me," I said, "Can you tell us where we are?"
In a thick English accent, the woman paused before answering and then replied,
"Earth."
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submitted by: BADVETTE87
World's Most Dangerous
Creature
Use your cursor over the pic
submitted by: sammy562
YouTube - Larry The Cable Guy - Bed, Beer & A Blonde (Video)
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When my daughter asked me if girls could get
pregnant
from a toilet seat, I chuckled and told her no. I'm
just relieved she didn't ask me about that
freak
accident about nine months before she was born when
the plumber fell on Mommy while she was taking a bath.
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submitted by: BADVETTE87
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'
Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that
helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'.
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85
years old.
If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'
To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and
fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'
The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take
the both of you for a ride.
If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars.'
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy
maneuvers,
but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said,
'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'
Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when
Esther fell out,
but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'
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About.com: http://www.womensmediacenter.com/
The Women’s Media Center strives to make women visible and powerful in the media.
From our founding in 2004 by some of the best minds in the feminist movement and the media industry
to our advocacy and media relations work today, we are part of a strong feminist
tradition that seeks to hold the media accountable for presenting the world as we know it.
Our mission is to assure that women and women’s experiences are reflected in
the media just as women are present everywhere in the real world; that women are represented as local,
national, and global sources for and subjects of the media; and that
women media professionals have equal opportunities for employment and advancement.
Every day when women turn on the news, open the paper, or log on to the Internet,
they see a world that, as shaped by the media, is missing something.
What’s missing are the women: women reporters, women’s voices, and women stories.
From the reporter’s desk to the executive suite, men are overwhelmingly the
ones making the decision about what we see in the media. Our resources page links to numerous studies
and surveys about this crisis in representation, but we feel that the critical stat is this:
Women hold just 3 percent of so-called “clout” positions in the media. This dearth of women impacts
everything from story selection to hiring practices. Without women decision makers in the news room,
important stories too often go untold. Without women, our view of the world as shaped by the media is dangerously incomplete.
We believe that women’s voices and women’s stories are crucial components in creating a media
that is truly reflective of our society. Our mission is two-fold: First, we help women to participate at
the highest levels of media, as reporters, sources, and savvy consumers.
Second, we hold the media accountable for accurately representing the 51+ percent of the world that is female.
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So there I was, tearing my hair out trying to sign up for an online basketball pool.
For my username, I offered terms like Hoops, and Hangtime only to be told,
"That user ID is taken. Please select another." I realized I wasn't the only frustrated one when
I saw my last two entries were also taken: ForPetesSake and ThisIsInsane.
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ILLEGAL FILE SHARING
i see you looking at my HARDDRIVE, baby, you want some of
this? you wanna EXCHANGE FILES with me?
because i've been JACKING ONTO THE INTERNET for a mighty
long time, and i've got a very, big, COLLECTION OF MP3S.
don't look at me like i'm a TROJAN HORSE trying to HACK
my way into your back door. i ain't gonna RAM my SPAM
into your MAINFRAME!
and you don't have to worry about catching nothing, baby,
i use VIRUS PROTECTION!
and i ain't gonna bring over no FLOPPY DISC, neither,
i've got nothing but FIRMWARE on my HARDWARE, baby.
how big is it? ONE TERRABYTE, baby, EXTERNAL HARD DRIVE.
gonna make it an INTERNAL HARD DRIVE.
oh, you're fingering your MOUSE BUTTON just thinking
about it, aren't you? don't think you can handle all
this BANDWIDTH? that's okay, you'll still MEGABYTE your
lip as i slip the MALE END of my THUMB DRIVE dongle
into the FEMALE END of your USB PORT, and i'll DOWNLOAD
all over your LAPTOP.
oh, you wanna do this on your DESKTOP? well, let's layout
a SPREADSHEET so we don't get DATA all over everything.
what i got will fill your MYSPACE. oh, you want it all
over your FACEBOOK, too, well, i can shoot it right into
your IPOD! i aim to please. i'll GOOGLE you till you
scream YAHOO like a AMAZON!
OMFG! MEGAHERTZ so good!
i give you all 17-INCHES of my MAC BOOK PRO! and it
might take all night long, baby, take a look at my
ITUNES, it'll tell you how long i can go... 97 days...
without a single repeat.
oh don't FREEZE up on me, baby... whatchoo mean FATAL
ERROR? why you giving me that BLUE SCREEN? that what i
get trying to connect with a PC!
i'ma tuck you into BETA and let you CRASH for the night
and maybe we'll RESTART this in the morning.
in the meantime, i'll be sure to leave some COOKIES on
your BROWSER. no hard feelings.
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;
It's time baby!
Here!
Kneepads! You came prepared!
Here!
Pornoclips!
Here!
Potential
Here!
The awesome power of love!
Here!
Choke The Chicken...
Here
Wanna ride?
Here!
You & King Kong?
Here!
And the Colonel says....
Here!
Petty crime doesn't pay
Here!
Viewing public!
Here!
Pogo Stick!
Here
Late August, Early...
Here
Poor Mom
Here
X T R E M E L Y NAUGHTY
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Rockin' and Rollin' makes no endorsement or warranty,
expressed or implied, with
regard
to featured products or services.
Results may vary based on
operating
systems and other variables beyond our control
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Another issue on it's way to YOU! and another one already in the
making! So meet us back
here next week, same time - same place
but remember, no matter where you are or what you are doing,
never,
ever,
EVER
forget to
keep on
rockin'
it's a state of
mind
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©1999 - 2008 - Deborah Austin - All
rights reserved and held by Rockin' and Rollin'
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