Editor:  DebsSweet
  Graphic Editors:  Guysbabi, Ditziexx, LuvintheCountry,
   CrispySue, kittykab
  Children's Book Editor:  Amanda260
  Internet Security Editor:  DebsSweet







BACKKKKKKKKKKKK

Gotta love computer technicians.  My laptop is back home but there's no sound.
Lovely.  This system is a little over a year old - it's ridiculous.  Maybe
when the guy hooked up my new system board, he forgot
to attach the speakers to it.  Or of course it could be the sound card
but it was working just fine when I took it in.

I am sure you all have your own computer horror stories.  You expect a bit
more from a $3000 system!  I am going with IBM Thinkpad next
time.  At least that is my choice of the moment.

Want to hire NSYNC?  The Rolling Stones?  Here's what it will cost you (in
the MUSIC NOTES area)

Like cars?  Love Chevrolets?  You'll find some great pictures of Chevys from 1916 to 1942
in the CAR section below

  Be careful when surfing the Internet.  I have checked EACH link submitted to you and they are in working
  order as of this posting.  Always be aware of the risks out there and keep current with your
  anti-virus and adware removal software!

  If you would like to SIGN UP or BE REMOVED (sure, remove yourself, break my heart
  and force me into therapy for life) from this mailing list, please send an email
  to me at aol and your request will be handled promptly.

  Kick up your feet and put your problems behind you cause darlin' it's time to ROCK AND ROLL!

  and don't  forget to buckle your seatbelts, cause it's going to be a wild ride! 







"Deb,
Congrads on your new webmaster/programmer.  The best of continued
success with your new e-zine - it  was always the greatest"
docjrx


"Hey Deb, I'm still not getting your newsletters thru my mail yet ?
I've went on-line and got the last 2 new ones there...I miss seeing
my DebsSweet in my mailbox....please please please add me to your mailing list
Have a good week hon...*hugs*"
x_nekat_x@yahoo.com



v v v v v



Some people say that pets resemble their owners.  Well, if that
were true, my dog would have to wear a neck brace after trying to
lick his butt.



v v v v v



TWICE BAKED CONFETTI POTATOES  

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  

INGREDIENTS:  
8 baking potatoes  
1 cup Creamy Bacon or creamy Italian Dressing  
1/2 cup Sour Cream  
1/4 cup fresh chopped chives  
1 lb. cheddar cheese  
1 cup frozen chopped broccoli  

DIRECTIONS:  
BAKE potatoes at 400 degrees for 1 hour. Slice off tops of  
potatoes; scoop out centers, leaving 1/8-inch shells. Mash  
potatoes. Add dressing, sour cream, chives and broccoli;  
beat until fluffy. SPOON into shells; top each potato with  
2 oz. cheese. BAKE at 350 degrees for 20 minutes.  

Yield: 8 Servings  



v v v v v



Little Johnny told his mother that he had been playing Post- man.

"Postman? How could you do that when you had no letters?"

"Oh, I had some letters," replied Johnny. "I was looking in your
closet up in your room and I found a packet of letters tied up
with a ribbon, and I posted one under every door on the street."



v v v v v




Poor Man's Hat
1 oz rum
1 oz brandy
1 pinch ground ginger
Simply pour the rum in and then the brandy into the
shot glass, then sprinkle the ginger on top, some of the
ginger will sink but the rest it will fill the glass with specks
though out the liquid.
Can also be served in tea cup or coffee
mug for those who like to savour.


SubCharge
1/2 pint Guinness® stout
1 oz brandy or bourbon
Pour the brandy or bourbon into the bottom of a 1/2  pint glass.
For best effect warm the brandy slightly* Slowly pour a draught guinness over the top.

Although the name sounds similar to a Depth-Charge, the
drink is much more similar to a BoilerMaker. For best
effects have 2 seperate drinks rather than doubling the amount in a pint glass.
In order to really feel the explosion from the SubCharge,
drink fast and straight from pouring. You therefore also get the temperature
difference between the drinks. 



v v v v v



We know of one neighbor who bakes what is aptly named a sponge cake.

She borrows the milk. She borrows the eggs.
She borrows the sugar.



v v v v v



*submitted by*
BADVETTE87



Mrs. Jones goes to a brand-new gynecologist. He says,  "My,
My, Mrs. Jones, that is the biggest vagina I have ever, ever seen." 

When she gets home, she decides to have a look for herself. She takes 
down a big mirror off the wall, puts it on the floor, takes off all
of her clothes, stands on the mirror, spreads her legs apart, and
looks down.  Just then, her husband walks in early from work. He
asks, "What are you doing?"

She says, "Umm, I'm exercising."

He says, "Well, be careful not to fall into that huge hole!"



v v v v v





*submitted by*
Luvinthecountry
Click here: Traditional Irish Blessing - E-Water
http://www.e-water.net/viewflash.php?flash=irishblessing_en
A beautiful blessing - and beautiful pictures!

Beliefnet offers features on religion, spirituality, faith, health, prayer,
http://aol.beliefnet.com/
Beliefnet has a wide variety of resources--articles, quizzes, devotionals, 
sacred text searches, message boards, prayer circles, photo galleries and much
more. If  you're looking for something specific, browse through the overview available
at  'Explore Topics (http://aol.beliefnet.com/index/index_172.html) or
just type what you're looking for into the 'Search' box.

Video  Files » Shift Happens
http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/video/shifthappens

*submitted by*
SHAYNABUTTONS
Jewish Virtual Library - Homepage
http://www.jewishvirtuallibrary.org/index.html
There exists a deep friendship between Israel and the U.S. - between our peoples
and countries. The basis of this friendship is common values, a commitment to
democratic values, freedom, peace, and common interests, including the
drive toward regional stability and preventing terrorism and violence.
Library, bookstores, and so much  more

*submitted by*
pavanco1@embarqmail.com
Local Online Classifieds |  Cars, Homes, Jobs, Pets & More - Oodle.com
http://www.oodle.com/
A whole new way to shop classifieds

Sullr
http://www.sullr.com/
SULLR. Here's a twist on reverse phone number lookups. Within the
US, enter the phone number and Sullr at http://www.sullr.com/us/
displays the directory information, but it also provides a
map to the house, even a satellite view

Retroland
http://www.retroland.com/
RETROLAND invites you to "reconnect with the things that define you"
and reminisce about the good old days.



v v v v v



                The Top 9 Rejected Lipstick Colors               


9> Necrophiliac Blue

8> Cold Sore Brown

7> Areola Umber

6> B-List'er

5> Low Self-Esteem Goth Black

4> Lingering Phlegm

3> Baboon Butt Red

2> Kiss this


    and the Number 1 Rejected Lipstick Color...


1> Flaming Asshole



v v v v v





Use Anti-virus Software

This can detect many, but not all, forms of malicious software before they have a chance to affect your
computer. Antivirus software is a program that either comes installed on your computer or
that you purchase and install yourself. It helps protect your computer against
most viruses, worms, Trojan. and other unwanted invaders that can make your computer
"sick." Viruses, worms, and the like often perform malicious acts, such as deleting
files, accessing personal data, or using your computer to attack other computers.

You can help keep your computer healthy by using antivirus software. Remember
to update your antivirus software regularly. These updates are generally
available through a subscription from your antivirus vendor.
Microsoft currently does not offer an anti-virus solution. There are a number
of software companies that offer anti-virus applications.


Not even James Bond could bring any glamour to the nastiness of spyware, which
is a software program that installs itself (without your knowledge) on your computer.
After it's installed, the software collects  information about you, and when you're online
it sends the information to the  spyware program's owner.
Most spyware fits into either of two categories:
    *    Surveillance spyware
    *    Advertising spyware

How spyware works:
Surveillance spyware scans documents on your computer and can capture your
keystrokes as you type. It can spy on forms you're filling out on a Web site (such
as your login password or your credit card number) and the text you enter in a chat
window. Government and detective agencies have been known
to use this type of software, as have jealous spouses.

Advertising spyware is software that is installed when you're installing other software
(usually software you download from the Internet) or that is installed in the background
while you're visiting a Web site. It's common for advertising spyware to be included
(without your being  told) when you install software that's advertised as "free,
if you don't mind seeing advertisements when you use it." One of the most pervasive distributors
  of spyware is software you download to take advantage of "peer to peer" file exchanges
(for music and video). Advertising spyware logs information about your computer — and
about you. The information includes passwords, your Web browsing
habits, your online buying habits, and so on.

Both types of spyware can also install viruses and worms on your computer.
Many of them change your browser settings (such as your home page), and your
efforts to correct the changes are temporary; the spyware changes them again.
One of the annoying features of spyware is its connection to pop-up ads. Using the
information it has collected about you, the spyware initiates pop-up ads whenever
you connect to a Web site. The spyware software producer receives income whenever
you respond to one of these pop-up ads, so the theory is "the more the better."
After a while, using the Internet becomes almost impossible because of the barrage
of pop-ups. Regardless of your Internet Explorer controls for your
children, the pop-ups often contain pornography.

How to get rid of it
The only way to remove spyware from your computer is to use software designed
for that purpose. The following two programs are well regarded by computer professionals:
    *    Ad-Aware from Lavasoft.com (http://www.lavasoft.de/ms/index.htm)
    *    Spybot S&D (for Search & Destroy)
(http://www.safer-networking.org/en/download/)

I use BOTH of these programs - and more



v v v v v



It's not difficult to  diet these days,
you just eat what you can afford.



v v v v v



RANCH STYLE PARTY MIX  

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  

1 1-ounce envelope Ranch salad dressing  
2 tablespoons dried dill weed  
6 cups cereal, corn and rice  
1 10-ounce package oyster crackers, or Ritz Bits crackers  
1 6-ounce package pretzel sticks  
3/4 cup vegetable oil  

DIRECTIONS:  
Combine dressing mix and dillweed; add cereal, crackers,  
and pretzels. Combine well. Drizzle mixture with oil;  
stir to coat thoroughly. Place mixture in a large paper  
bag; let stand for about 2 hours, shaking occasionally.  
Store in an airtight container.  Makes about 16 cups  



v v v v v



by deb


Good Dog.  Stay
by Anna Quindlen


"The life of a good dog is like the life of a good person, only shorter and more
compressed,” writes Pulitzer Prize-winning author Anna Quindlen  about her
beloved black Labrador retriever, Beau. With her trademark wisdom and humor,
Quindlen reflects on how her life has unfolded in tandem with Beau’s, and on
the lessons she’s learned by watching him: to roll with the punches, to take  things
as they come, to measure herself not in terms of the past or the future 
but of the present, to raise her nose in the air from time to time
and, at least metaphorically, holler, “I smell bacon!”
Of the dog that once possessed a catcher’s mitt of a mouth, Quindlen reminisces,
“there came a time when a scrap  thrown in his direction usually bounced unseen off his
head. Yet put a pork roast in the oven, and the guy still breathed as audibly as an
obscene caller.  The eyes and ears may have gone, but the nose was eternal. And
the tail. The  tail still wagged, albeit at half-staff. When it stops, I
thought more than once, then we’ll know.”
Heartening and bittersweet, Good Dog. Stay. honors the life of a cherished
and loyal friend and offers listeners a valuable lesson on four-legged
family members: Sometimes an old dog can teach a person new tricks"

This is probably the best book I have ever read.  Yes, it's about loss but it's mostly about
the unconditional love and life experiences brought to us by truly our 'best
friend' - our dog.  You'll love the cute pictures, you'll smile at the cute stories and
you're sure to cry at the end.  If you don't, I feel so bad for you because it
probably means you haven't experienced the love of a dog.



v v v v v



*submitted by*
ron_stott@yahoo.com


Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road
2008


DR. PHIL : The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that
he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it
goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do
is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT'
problems before adding 'NEW' problems.

OPRAH : Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why
he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn
from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give
this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live
his life like the rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W. BUSH : We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We
just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The
chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
COLIN POWELL : Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the
satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...

ANDERSON COOPER - CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we
have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY : Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now
against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the
chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

NANCY GRACE : That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY ! You can
see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN : To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART : No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was
going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when
the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS : Did the chicken cross the road ? Did he cross it with a toad ?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY : To die in the rain. Alone.

JERRY FALWELL : Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain
truth?' That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that
chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say
we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal
media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side.
That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA : In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody
told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS : Isn't that interesting ? In a few moments, we will be
listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story
of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish
its life long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON : Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.


ARISTOTLE : It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

BILL GATES : I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross
roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your
check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken This new
platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% ........ reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN : Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road
move beneath the chicken ?

BILL CLINTON : I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your
definition of chicken ?

AL GORE : I invented the chicken !

COLONEL SANDERS : Did I miss one ?

DICK CHENEY : Where's my gun ?

AL SHARPTON : Why are all the chickens white ? We need some black chickens



v v v v v


*submitted by*
oldwild@juno.com



"The next item in our catalog is a can of Premium Unleaded..."



v v v v v



A pregnant woman went to the gynecologist, and when
asked what was the problem, she responded, "Well,
whenever I take off my clothes, my nipples get hard."

Shocked, the doctor took a deep breath, then asked,
"Your nipples get hard?"

"Yes," quite innocently came her reply.

"Undress so I can check," replied the still amazed
doc. So, she undressed, and he got down to the feeling
and massaging, trying to reach an answer.

After some considerable time, the doctor, still looking
puzzled, said, "Well, madame, I don't know what you have,
but it's sure as hell contagious!"



v v v v v




Creating  and Sharing Podcasts on a Mac

Creating and Sharing Podcasts on a  Mac
[  http://www.dummies.com/WileyCDA/DummiesArticle/id-
4304.html?cid=etipArticleLink?cid=articleFeature  ]

You can create podcasts on your Mac. Podcasts are like your  own
Internet radio or TV show, with music (from iTunes or  elsewhere),
pictures, sound effects, video, or some combination of  these.
Fans can download your podcasts over the Net (or find them  in
iTunes) and subscribe to receive them on a regular basis. More
[  http://www.dummies.com/WileyCDA/DummiesArticle/id-4
304.html?cid=etipArticleLink?cid=articleFeature  ]



v v v v v



                    The Top 8 Ways We're Down                    


8> We're down like the narcoleptic goats.

7> We're down like feathers on a goose.

6> We're down like an undescended testicle isn't.

5> We're down like the Notre Dame football program, heh heh...

4> We're more down than the skid plate at the bottom of the
    elevator shaft to Hell.

3> We're down further than a lawyer on Cheney's Quail Ranch.

2> We're more down than Ben Affleck's box office draw.


    and the Number 1 Way We're Down ...


1> We're down like the beltline on a plumber's jeans.



v v v v v



*submitted by*
BADVETTE87



SIGNS SHE IS BORED IN BED:

Gets very upset when the ashtray falls off your ass.
Last time she screamed during sex was the first time she won at solitaire.
Only moans during commercial breaks.
You are currently sitting backstage at the Springer show.

During the act, she actually yelled out, "Oh, Baby, Yadda, Yadda, Yadda."
Holds up a picture of the Playboy centerfold to hurry you along. 
Asks to be on top so she can balance her checkbook better.



v v v v v







v v v v v



The phone rang at the firehouse just five minutes after
the men had all retired for their afternoon nap.  "It's
a terrible blaze at my house," the voice frantically
cried.  "The flames are licking through the basement
and the first floor.  Pretty soon they'll ravage the
entire place."

"Did you try throwing water over it?" asked the fire chief.

"Yes!"

"Then there's no use our coming over.  That's all we do."



v v v v v



*submitted by*
BADVETTE87


Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the 
Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile.
Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled. 

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6
  a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do
before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop,
feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. 

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is
strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of
weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food,
  but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on
coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when 
you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden
us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is
about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we
  all ride back in trucks.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like
the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and
frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting.
I don't know why.  The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move,
and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there 
all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges.
They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle
with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It
ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for
that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once. He joined up the same
time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before 
other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter, 
Alyce



v v v v v






*submitted by*
BODRUMS57

C.O.P. Cookies
http://www.northpole.com/Kitchen/Cookbook/rec1064.html

Candy Cane Cookies
http://www.northpole.com/Kitchen/Cookbook/rec0403.html

Candy Cookies
http://www.northpole.com/Kitchen/Cookbook/rec0279.html

Caramel Shortbread
http://www.northpole.com/Kitchen/Cookbook/rec0901.html

Cheesecake Brownies
http://www.northpole.com/Kitchen/Cookbook/rec0387.html

Cherry Buns
http://www.northpole.com/Kitchen/Cookbook/rec0833.html

Cherry Crowns
http://www.northpole.com/Kitchen/Cookbook/rec0665.html

Cherry Winks
http://www.northpole.com/Kitchen/Cookbook/rec0145.html

Chewies

http://www.northpole.com/Kitchen/Cookbook/rec0314.html

Chewy Noels

http://www.northpole.com/Kitchen/Cookbook/rec0591.html

Chinese Chews/Haystacks
http://www.northpole.com/Kitchen/Cookbook/rec0623.html



v v v v v



"Hello, you have reached an office that thought it was so
smart getting all it's employees cordless phones. The person
you are trying to reach is here right now, staring at me as
I answer this call and searching desperately for their
cordless phone in the mess on their desk. It won't matter
if they find it since they didn't leave it on the charger
last night and the battery is dead. So you might as well
leave a message with me and I'll have them call you after
the 4 hour handset recharge period is completed."



v v v v v



           The Top 8 Sentences What Never Need Be Said           


8> "In retrospect, working on the callouses on my feet with a
    cheese grater was not a good idea."

7> "Grandma forgot her underpants again!"

6> "Well, I don't think *I'd* want to gargle horse semen."

5> "Wow, when I popped that pimple, it shot almost three feet to
    the mirror!"

4> "I'll bet you get comments all the time about how large and
    asymmetrical your breasts are."

3> "You are beautiful! I can already tell you'll be the latest
    addition to my masturbatory fantasies."

2> "Pleased to meet you. Please accept my condolences on being so fat."


    and the Number 1 Sentence What Never Need Be Said ...


1> "I'm fine, thanks, except for the rectal acne."



v v v v v



I was discussing the characteristics of living organisms in my biology class.
Students spouted off the obvious ones: reproduction, locomotion, breathing,
then one student added “communication.” So I asked, “How do plants
communicate?”

After a brief interval, he replied, “Through the grapevine.”



v v v v v


*submitted by*
BADVETTE87






v v v v v



              Scientists have long admired the gecko             
             lizard for its gravity-defying feet. Now            
             U.S. researchers have made a waterproof             
              bandage inspired by the sticky surface             
                        of a gecko's paws.                       


       The Top 5 Rejected Medical Products Based on Animals      


5> Blobfish mastectomy pads

4> Leech based, self-inserting, heart catheters

3> Dog-spit hand sanitizer

2> Dried jellyfish latex-free surgical gloves


    and the Number 1 Rejected Medical Product Based on Animals...


1> Octopus enema



v v v v v



I think it's about time we voted for senators with breasts.
After all, we've been voting for boobs long enough.



v v v v v

Bands for Hire: No. 12 - Spinner.com - Free MP3s, Interviews,
Music News, Live Performances, Songs and Videos
http://www.spinner.com/2007/09/19/bands-for-hire-no-12/
Want to hire NSYNC?  The Rolling Stones?  Here's what it will cost you

Best Opening Lyrics: No. 25 - Spinner.com - Free MP3s, Interviews,
Music News,  Live Performances, Songs and Videos
http://www.spinner.com/2007/08/06/best-opening-lyrics-no-25/
25 Best Opening Lyrics

*submitted by*
sammy562@msn.com
Oldies Index
http://www.minibite.com/oldies/index.htm
Lots of oldies!



v v v v v



I write down everything I want to remember. That way, instead of
spending a lot of time trying to remember what it is I wrote down,
I spend the time looking for the paper I wrote it down on.



v v v v v



*submitted by*
ron_stott@yahoo.com



Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress
he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise
it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his
door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

"Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a
Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00."

"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local
folks - Thank you."

As Cliff is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'."

"Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with
the best of 'em".

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some
fighting' too."

"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there. Thanks again."

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too,"

"Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been
all alone for six months!  I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should
I wear?"

"Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us."



v v v v v






PC World - PC World Downloads - R-Wipe & Clean
http://www.pcworld.com/downloads/file/fid,27236/description.html?tk=nl_ddxdwn
Without your knowledge, your PC keeps a history of just about 
everything you do, including your Web browsing. It has a history of
the  Web sites you visit, the RSS feeds you have, your downloads, the
programs you run, the files you open, and much more. This program
cleans all that,  and plenty more as well. It will also wipe out
cookies (or let you keep ones  you want), clean up traces left behind
by the programs you use, and even delete traces of the "prefetch"
files Windows grabs to speed up your PC.

Joost - Free online TV -  Comedy, cartoons, sports, music and more -
Download today
http://www.joost.com/
It's video – more than 15,000 shows, with more added daily. 
It's online – all you need is a broadband internet connection.
And it's free. So what are you waiting for?

*submitted by*
pavanco1@embarqmail.com
ILoveWavs.com - Your ultimate categorized .WAV source
http://www.ilovewavs.com/
If you like wav files - you'll like this site!

PC World - PC World Downloads - Norton Save & Restore
http://www.pcworld.com/downloads/file/fid,67621/description.html?tk=nl_ddxdwn
Symantec has taken great pains to make Save and Restore user-friendly by
removing the concept of images from the interface--you'd hardly know this 
program created them for all the talk about recovery points. But it is indeed an
imaging program, with a wide range of features such as full and incremental
imaging, file and folder backup, scheduled backups, encryption, and compression. 
There's also a unique (among imaging programs) housekeeping facility that
automatically culls previous backups to keep scheduled jobs from
failing due to lack of space. 
-- Jon L. Jacobi 
Version: 2.0
Price: Trial; $50
Operating Systems: Windows  XP



v v v v v



I took out a second mortgage last month so I could go on a trip
to Italy, buy a new car and pay off my bills. I just can't figure
out why my landlord is so pissed off.



v v v v v







v v v v v



     A teacher in Italy was suspended because she moonlighted
   as a porn star. Anna Ciriani, who calls herself "Madameweb"
        in hard-core Internet videos and at erotic shows,
      was deemed "not compatible with educational activity."


           The Top 16 Signs Your Teacher Is a Porn Star


16> She starts class every single day by whipping off her glasses,
    shaking her hair out of a bun, and bursting the top button
    on her blouse.

15> Naughty, disruptive students have to stay after and clap
    chalkboard erasers -- on her bare ass.

14> She refers to your final exam as "the money shot."

13> Kids no longer have to make textbook covers out of brown
    paper bags. The publisher does it for them.

12> Your dad suddenly starts attending parent-teacher conferences.

11> During story time, the bunny always dies.

10> The entire school orchestra consists of 30 guitars with
    wah-wah pedals.

9> Her assistant, Miss Phluffer, is always handing her a fresh
    pointer.

8> Assigned reading list includes "A Sale of Two Titties" and
    "A Midsummer Night's Wet Dream."

7> Her social studies lesson on Triangular Trade involves real
    rum and molasses, and has been downloaded over six million
    times on YouTube.

6> *No one* falls asleep during her audio-visual presentations.

5> "Walk up to the board and solve for y. Nobody? How about 2+2.
    No? Can ANYBODY walk up to the board?"

4> "Today's economics lesson will focus on principle of
    Opportunity Cost as applied to the charges incurred by pool
    cleaners, gardeners and pizza delivery boys."

3> Standing room only at her cafeteria table on "corn dog and
    kielbasa day."

2> He smirks derisively at the output of the volcano you made
    for your science project.


  and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign Your Teacher Is a Porn Star...


1> The good news: She shows up wearing nothing but a see-through
    teddy and carrying a Kama Sutra book. The bad news: You're
    home-schooled.



v v v v v





*submitted by*
jacksinfl@gmail.com
http://cardfountain.com/ecards/snggrndhg01/index.
php?pid=21348&enm=1&aid

*submitted by*
sammy562@msn.com
My  Blessed Friend! Pass it on!
http://www.dobhran.com/greetings/GRblessed.htm



v v v v v



*submitted by
BADVETTE87


Q: How do you turn a city girl into a cotton picker?
A: Cut her tampon string.

Q: What's the definition of a vagina?
A: The box a penis comes in. 

Q: Why do we have orgasms?
A: How else would we know when to stop?

Q: Can you use indefinitely in a sentence?
A: When your balls are slapping up against her 
ass, you're in...definitely!

Q:  What do a dildo and soy beans have in common?
A: They are both used as substitute meat.



v v v v v



No matter how often I replace my vehicles, I never tire of that
"stolen car" smell.



v v v v v



CRAB & PASTA SALAD

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  

INGREDIENTS:  
1 (12 ounce) package tri-colored spiral pasta  
1 small head broccoli, cut into bite-size pieces  
1 small head cauliflower, cut into bite-size pieces  
2 chopped tomatoes  
1/2 cup chopped chives  
12 ounces crabmeat, or imitation crabmeat  
1 (16 ounce) bottle oil and vinegar salad dressing  

DIRECTIONS:  
Cook pasta in boiling salted water until al dente. Drain and  
rinse. In a large bowl combine the broccoli, cauliflower,  
tomatoes, chives, crabmeat and pasta. Pour entire bottle of  
oil and vinegar salad dressing over all and toss to coat.  



v v v v v






*submitted by*
jacksinfl@gmail.com


*Reporting Spam E-mail*
worldstart.com

We here at WorldStart often tell you about new e-mail scams that are going
around on the Internet, but we've never really told you what you can do to
report all the spam you receive in your Inbox. Lately, I've been asked that
question a lot, so I figured it was about time we addressed it. I do
apologize for taking so long to do so. Reporting spam e-mail is very easy to
do and if everyone does their part, who knows, maybe the bad side of e-mail
will finally disappear for good. Let's check it out, shall we?!

First of all, I want to make sure everyone is clear on what I'm referring to
when I say spam e-mail. Spam can come in a variety of ways, including
messages from business marketers trying to sell their products, forwards,
bogus money offers and just any messages you may get from people you don't
know. I'm sure you all have gotten your fair share of those, because no
matter what you do, it seems impossible to protect your e-mail address from
getting into the wrong hands. And I don't know about you, but junk e-mails
really get on my nerves and they waste my time!

So, the next time you see a spam e-mail in your Inbox that you think is
deceptive, do us all a favor and forward it to the Federal Trade Commission
(FTC) at this address: spam@uce.gov. You can do that just by hitting the *
Forward* button in your e-mail and typing that address on the *To:* line.
The FTC then uses the e-mails they get at that address to pursue law
enforcement actions against the people who send them. They have even put
together a new law against spammers, called the CAN-SPAM law, which is
designed to hold spammers responsible for their actions. It's nice to know
there is something we all can do to help combat the dreadful problem of
spam. Do your part today and let's all start to make a difference!



v v v v v



Mothers don't differ from any other in the world when it comes to
bragging about their brillant sons.

One Mother, trying to out-do another when it came to job
opportunities available to their just graduated-from-college sons said :

"My Leland has had so many potential interviews, his resume is
now in its fifth printing."



v v v v v



Sadie could not decide on which, if any, shoes she wanted.
Morris the salesman was more than patient, and brought out pair
after pair.  Still she couldn't decide.

When Morris had dragged out over half of his stock, he paused and
asked her, "Mind if I rest a few minutes, lady? . . . Your feet
are killing me."



v v v v v






A Picture Review of the Chevrolet from 1916 to 1942
http://www.oldcarandtruckpictures.com/Chevrolet/
This is really neat!  Cars were amazing back then eh?

CNET Online Courses » Lesson 1: How a Hybrid Car Works - Tips,
Tricks, and How-tos at CNET.
http://hybrid-car-guide.classes.cnet.com/lesson-1/
With the price of gasoline soaring, many people are looking for ways to save 
money on fuel costs. Unfortunately, in a society that centers on the freedom of
having an automobile, driving less isn’t usually an option, so consumers have to
  find other means of cutting back. One way is to drive a hybrid car rather than a
  gas-only vehicle. Although hybrid cars aren’t new, their popularity has greatly 
increased in the last few years.

A hybrid car uses more than one power source to move itself along. The hybrid 
car contains both a conventional gasoline-powered internal combustion engine and
an electric motor/generator. Many people feel these cars combine the best of
both worlds: gasoline power for quick acceleration and electric power that 
increases mileage and reduces emissions.



v v v v v



         Thousands of "Hannah Montana" fans who couldn't
        get concert tickets are suing the teen performer's
            fan club over memberships they claim were
            supposed to give them priority for seats.


                 The Top 15 Worst Fan Club Perks


15> The Rolling Stones: Front-of-the-line privileges at the
    Geritol tent.

14> Wayne Newton: Autographed 8x10 of his enlarged prostate.

13> Lindsay Lohan: You get to go clubbing with Lindsay
    and hold her personal stash in YOUR pocket!

12> Michael Jackson: Invitation to the Official Jacko Friday Nite
    Funtime Kidz-Only Sleepover and Pajama Party!

11> Paris Hilton: Paris Hilton.

10> Vladimir Putin: You get to donate as much money as he wants
    you to and you get to vote as many times as he tells you.

9> Hamas: Free custom belt and vest to first 1000 members.

8> Katie Holmes: You get to help her expand her escape tunnel
    with your mom's own best serving spoon.

7> Yoko Ono: The singing-Yoko car alarm.

6> TopFive: Five Cheeze Doodles and a picture of David Letterman
    autographed by Chris White himself.

5> Britney Spears: As her designated underwear wrangler, you get
    to carry spares in case Kevin sends a court-appointed Panty
    Inspector around.

4> Barry Bonds: You get to mow his lawn while he's in jail.

3> Chuck Norris: Chuck Norris Fan Club members never need dental
    work. Chuck Norris just shows up and kicks the problem teeth
    out of your mouth.

2> Amy Winehouse: Anything that falls out of her nose, you
    can keep.


    and Topfive.com's Number 1 Worst Fan Club Perk...


1> Olsen Twins: Entered into a drawing for an all-expense-paid
    trip to New York to hang out with Mary-Kate for a day and
    hold her hair while she vomits.



v v v v v





v v v v v



A man was driving recklessly down the interstate one day and his
girlfriend in the passenger seat was getting very upset. When the
man finally realized that she was not happy with his driving and
said, "Baby I'm sorry for driving so recklessly; I should be more
careful when I have precious cargo!"

The girlfriend looked at him and said, "Oh, that's so sweet, baby!"

Then the guy quickly corrected her, "No, no! I mean the golf clubs
in the back!"



v v v v v



*submitted by*
ron_stott@yahoo.com


A drunk man walks into a bar and orders a drink. While he waits
for the bartender to mix his cocktail, he notices a woman
alone at the end of the bar. When his drink comes, he says,
"Hey b-b-b-artender. Give that douche bag at the end of the bar
a drink for me."

The bartender tells the drunk to keep his voice down, but
the drunk is belligerent. "Give that douche bag at a drink,
dammit!" he shouts.

The bartender becomes angry. "Sir, I will not permit you to sit
here and call the lady names."

The drunk persists. "For the last time, bartender, bring me my
drink and give that douche bag down there a drink, too!"

Attempting to quell the growing disturbance, the bartender
approaches the woman and apologizes for the behavior of the
drunk. "The gentleman insists upon buying you a drink, ma'am. What
can I get for you?"

The woman replies, "Oh,... I'll have a vinegar and water, please!"



v v v v v






*submitted by*
sammy562@gmail.com
-=That's What Friends Are For=-
http://www.salscreationz.com/thatswhatfriendsarefor.html



v v v v v



A little boy was walking down a dirt road one Sunday afternoon
when he met a little girl going in the same direction.

"Hello," said the little boy.

"Hi," replied the little girl. "Where are you going?"

"I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home,"

"Me too. I'm also on my way home from church. Which church do you
go to?"

"I go to the Baptist church back down the road. "What about you?"

"I go to the Methodist church back at the top of the hill."

After they'd walked a short distance together they came to a
low spot in the road where rains had partially flooded the road.
There was no way they could get across to the other side without
getting wet.

"If I get my new Sunday dress wet my Mom's going to skin me alive,"
said the little girl.

"My Mom'll tan my hide too, if I get my new Sunday suit wet,"

"I tell you what I think I'll do. I'm gonna pull off all my clothes
and hold them over my head and wade across."

"That's a good idea. I'm going to do the same thing with my suit."

So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without
getting their clothes wet. They were standing in the sun waiting
to dry before putting their clothes back on when the little boy
remarked ... "You know, I never did realize before just how much
difference there really is between Baptists and Methodists."



v v v v v







v v v v v



The Following Is A List Of Excuses NOT To Have Sex.  Most Of Them
Can Be Used By Either Men Or Women


10.  I'd love to honey, but I just banged your sister.

9.  We're out of paper bags for your head again.

8.  You haven't shaved in so long I'm afraid I'd feel I was making
love to Big Foot.

7.  You're 20 bucks short.

6.  We're out of gin again.

5.  I used my last sponge for the dishes.

4.  Sorry, this isn't a conjugal visit.

3.  I can't tonight, honey, I spent myself earlier today watching
all those pornos.

2.  Only if you put on this wig and talk like a Chinese hooker.

1.  Your gynecologist just called - you still have crabs and you
know how I don't like seafood.



v v v v v


*submitted by*
BADVETTE87


Deb: Well, I've never known anyone so forward! This perfect stranger just walked up
to me at the party and asked, "How would you like some mind-blowing,
earth-shaking, window-shattering sex?"

Laura: I can't believe it!

Deb: Neither could I! When I told him, "No, thanks!" he just added,
"Well, would you mind lying down so that I could have some?"



v v v v v



PASTA WITH EGGPLANT SAUCE  

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  

INGREDIENTS:  
1 tablespoon olive oil  
1 small onion, chopped  
1 large garlic clove, minced  
1/2 green bell pepper, cubed  
1 pound eggplant, peeled, cubed  
2 pounds tomatoes, cubed  
1/2 cup dry red wine  
2 tablespoons fresh basil, (or 1 teaspoon dry)  
2 tablespoons fresh oregano, (or 1 teaspoon dry)  
salt and pepper to taste 12 ounces spaghetti, cooked  

DIRECTIONS:  
In a large saucepan, heat olive oil over medium heat. Add  
onion and garlic; cook until onion is soft. Stir in bell  
pepper, eggplant, tomatoes, wine, basil, and oregano. Season  
with salt and pepper, if desired. Reduce heat, cover and simmer  
30 minutes. Serve sauce over noodles.  

Yield: 6 Servings  
Nutrition Facts  
Per Serving: Calories 266 - Calories from Fat 33  
Percent Total Calories From: Fat 12%, Protein 13%, Carbohydrate 75%  



v v v v v


*submitted by*
ron_stott@yahoo.com


Top 10 things a teenage daughter doesn’t want to hear from her dad:


10. "Let me explain what 'deductible' means on car insurance."
9. "Your mom's almost ready. Where are we going on our double date?"
8. "Seems to me last year's prom dress still has some life in it."
7. "I signed us up for the pairs karaoke contest this Friday night."

6. "We ate possum toes like popcorn when I was a kid."
5. "Let's get ice  cream, my treat! Just let me grab my jar of coins."
4. "I am proud  that you decided to keep the family unibrow."
3. "You don't need  to go shopping after all. I picked out a purse for you on my way  home."

2. "I ran into Bobby at the grocery store. I told him that you're really hoping he'll ask you to the dance."
    1.    "By the way, I had to borrow your deodorant yesterday."



v v v v v




Relationships - AOL Body
http://body.aol.com/healthy-living/relationships
Keeping secrets from your partner can damage your relationship. From
resenting the kids to past sexual experiences, here are seven secrets you should
  never keep and help for tackling these tricky topics



v v v v v



Mary: My ex had only one thing on his mind. I was in the bedroom
reading, and he was in the den watching TV when he yelled, "C'mere!
C'mere! Ya gotta see this!" So I went.

Jill: What on Earth was it?

Mary: It was a sword swallower showing how to suppress your gag
reflex when something is shoved down your throat!



v v v v v



Q. Did you hear about the new fragrance called "Umpire?"

A. It's for foul balls.



v v v v v

The printing processes in Windows run smoothly and automatically most of the time,
even across a network. However, knowing a few  tricks makes network
printing easier for all the users on your network.

Using a printer shortcut on the desktop

Sometimes you just need a printed copy of an existing document and you don't want
to open the software, open the document, and use the  commands that are required
to print the document. If you put a shortcut to the printer on your desktop, you
can drag documents to the shortcut icon to print them effortlessly. Follow
these steps to create a printer shortcut on your desktop:

1. Choose Start --> Settings --> Printers.
The Printers folder opens.
2. Right-drag the printer icon to the desktop.
When you release the right mouse button, a shortcut menu appears.
3. Choose Create Shortcut(s) Here from the shortcut menu.
A printer shortcut appears on your desktop.

Using the printer shortcut is easy and timesaving. You can use it whenever you have
any folder or window open (such as Windows Explorer, My  Computer, or My Documents)
that contains document files. Just drag a document  file to the printer shortcut on the
desktop. That's all you have to do — Windows does the rest.



v v v v v



There's nothing more precious in life than that brief moment after
someone falls down, where outwardly you're all "Are you all right?"
but inwardly you're laughing your ass off.



v v v v v



           Promises, promises. This is the time of year          
             to make them and try not to break them.             
            Unless you're a Top5 contributor that is.            


  The Top 10 New Year's Relationship Resolutions
                You Have No Intention of Keeping           


10> "I promise to go clothes shopping with you...as soon as I
    gouge out my eyes."

9> "I promise to take a sabbatical from my bowling league this
    year to help with your scrapbooking backlog."

8> "I promise to wear underwear at all times, avoid hitting cars
    with umbrellas, refrain from using drugs around my children
    and keep from getting involved in more unplanned pregnancies."
    (Britney Spears only)

7> "I promise to stop noticing your sister."

6> "Honey, I give you my word that I'll break off my online
    affair with the Top5 contributor." (Oh, quit laughing! It
    could happen!)

5> "I PROMise to TREAT you with resPECT. Ok? Now get me a beer."

4> What you say: "If you buy me those diamond earrings, I will go
    down on you any day of the week." What you mean: "Once I have
    those, you can pick the day... but I will pick the week."

3> "I promise to REALLY hold the football for you to kick this time."

2> "This is the year I get a handle on my erotic fiction habit."


       and the Number 1 New Year's Relationship Resolution
               You Have No Intention of Keeping...         


1> "You'll get sex three times a week -- and from *me*, no less."



v v v v v



I get those maternal feelings sometimes, like when I'm lying on
the couch and can't reach the remote, I think, 'Boy, a kid would
be nice right now.'



v v v v v







v v v v v



CAESER SALAD

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  

INGREDIENTS:  
1 large head romaine lettuce  
3/4 cup olive oil  
1/4 cup red wine vinegar  
1 teaspoon Worcestershire sauce  
1/2 teaspoon salt  
1 clove garlic, crushed  
1 lemon, halved  
fresh ground black pepper  
1/4 cup freshly grated Parmesan cheese  
garlic croutons  

DIRECTIONS:  
Wash romaine under cold running water. Trim core, and separate  
stalk into leaves; discard wilted or discolored portions. Shake  
leaves to remove moisture. Place romaine in a large zip-top  
plastic bag; chill at least 2 hours. Combine olive oil and next  
4 ingredients in a jar. Cover tightly, and shake vigorously.  
Set aside. Cut coarse ribs from large leaves of romaine; tear  
leaves into bite-size pieces, and place in a large salad bowl.  
Pour dressing over romaine; toss gently until coated. Squeeze  
juice from lemon halves over salad. Grind a generous amount of  
pepper over salad; sprinkle with cheese. Toss, top with garlic  
croutons and serve.  

Yield: 4 Servings



v v v v v



I was teaching my chemistry class about elements on the periodic
table, mentioning that since silicon and carbon have similar
properties, science-fiction writers theorize about silicon-based
life forms on other planets.

"But," I stressed, "there is no evidence that silicon-based life
has existed here on Earth."

I had misjudged the power of TV.  From the back of the room, a voice
flashed back, "Have you never seen Baywatch then?"



v v v v v





Protecting Roses from Winter Damage
[  http://www.dummies.com/WileyCDA/DummiesArticle/id-2599.
html?cid=etipArticleLink?cid=articleFeature  ]
Generally, if you live where winter temperatures predictably
reach  10 degrees F (-12 degrees C), many of the most
popular roses —  such as hybrid teas, floribundas,
grandifloras, and climbers —  need some kind of protection
to survive the winter. Luckily, protecting  roses is not a
difficult task. More [  http://www.dummies.com/WileyCDA/Dummies
Article/id-2599.html?cid=etipArticleLink?cid=articleFeature  ]


Gardening in March
[ http://www.dummies.com/WileyCDA/DummiesTip
/Gardening-in-March.id-4368.html?cid=articleFeature ]
Warm up those gardening muscles -- the major planting season for
garden annuals is almost here, and there's plenty for you to do
in March. Here's a quick look at upcoming yard and garden
activity in regions around the country. More
[ http://www.dummies.com/WileyCDA/DummiesTip/Gardening
-in-March.id-4368.html?cid=articleFeature ]



v v v v v



*submitted by*
BADVETTE87


A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said,
"If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine
in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." 

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he
said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world,
I'd take it and pour it into the river." 

Sermon complete, he sat down.

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced
With a smile, nearly laughing, "For our closing song,
Let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather at the River."



v v v v v



Q: What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a redneck?

A: The good ol' boy raises livestock; the redneck
gets emotionally involved.



v v v v v






v v v v v



OLDIE but Goodie


I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Bob the computer
guy, to come over. Bob clicked a couple of buttons and solved the
problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.

As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?" He
replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An,
ID ten T error? What's that, in case I need to fix it again?"

The computer guy grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten
T error before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote out.... I D 1 0 T



v v v v v



A man walks into a bar with a giraffe. He says, "A beer for
me and one for my giraffe." And they stand around drinking for
hours until the giraffe passes out on the floor. The man pays the
tab and gets up to leave. The bartender says, "Hey! You're not
going to leave that lyin' on the floor, are you?" The man says,
"That's not a lion, it's a giraffe."



v v v v v




Pet Bird Dietary No-No's

[ http://www.dummies.com/WileyCDA/Dummies
Tip/id-4282.html?cid=articleFeature ]

Avoid feeding your parrot fatty or sugary snacks. It might be
funny to watch your parrot eat a cheese doodle, but think of all
of the other, more nutritious things she could be eating instead.
Also, parrots tend to become porky if they eat too many fatty
calories and don't get enough exercise. More
[ http://www.dummies.com/WileyCDA/Dummies
Tip/id-4282.html?cid=articleFeature ]


    Paws and Recognize
Our Pooch Troops November 8,  2007

Don't you just love a dog in uniform? A military uniform, that is.
Dogs have been officially serving in the  United States military since World
War I. In fact, nearly 5,000 dogs and 10,000 handlers serving in the Vietnam War
are credited with saving nearly 10,000 American lives. Today, thanks to their amazing
ability to adapt to diverse environments, working dogs in the military serve in all four
branches of the armed forces (army, navy, air force, and marines) in various installments
  all over the world. Canine troops currently serving in Iraq and Afghanistan use
their keen sense of smell to sniff out bombs and explosives and to alert the 
troops to enemy danger.



v v v v v



"New Years Eve in L.A. is a little lame. In New York you get to
see the ball drop. In L.A. you get to see Britney Spears pass out
on a bar stool."



Jay Leno



v v v v v



Dad: "Oh, Wilberforce!"

Son: "Be right there, Pop!"

Later:

S: "Did you want to see me, Dad?"

D: "Yes, I need you to do me a favor, son... I can never guess
what your mother wants for Christmas. She never likes the gift's
I pick out for her. This year, I want to surprise her with a gift
she really wants... So, without letting off why, I want you to talk
to your mother to try to find out what she'd like for Christmas!"

Later:

B: "Hey, Mom, what's you're favorite type of Christmas gift to
receive?"

Mom: "Let's see... I'd have to say, any kind of attire would always
be at the top of my list!"

Later:

B: "she says she wants a tire?"

D: "Really? Well, I never would have guessed that! Good work, son!
Won't she be surprised this year!"



v v v v v




*submitted by*
ron_stott@yahoo.com


HANDY HINTS

HINT 1   
Kitchen  surfaces:   
Mix in a spray bottle, 1 part ammonia to 3 parts water.    
Or try diluted bleach solution in a spray bottle. It    
will remove stains AND disinfect at the same time.

HINT 2   
Keep Your sponges Sanitary:   
Put your sponges in your dishwasher every few days,   
and dispose of them every few weeks. They breed germs    
because they do not get the opportunity to dry out in    
between uses.



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Paris Hilton's mother Kathy is auctioning off celebrity items on
eBay to raise money for charity. The auction items include several
pair of Paris' jeans. They are popular because they are so easy
to get into.



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*submitted by*
ron_stott@yahoo.com



Judi stormed up  to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!"

"Yes, ma'am?"

"I borrowed a  book last week and it was horrible!"

"What was wrong with it?"

"It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!"

The librarian nodded and said, "Ahh. So you must be the
person who took our phone book."



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Rudy Giuliani explained that he entered a hospital last week with
what he described as "a very bad headache." Doctors diagnosed it
as Mike Huckabee



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Eye Glasses Pictures - Strange Eye Glasses Pics
http://www.freakingnews.com/Eye-Glasses-Pictures--1749.asp
I especially like Hillary's  hehe

Dorks - Ridiculous Bowling
http://www.dorks.com/videos/Ridiculous-Bowling.html
He'd still beat me !!



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            The Top 13 Signs You're Not All That Green
            (Part I)


13> You burn tires to create shade for the backyard.

12> Two words: styrofoam coffin.

11> The hot Orion slave girl who makes out with Captain Kirk is
    the only thing that comes to mind when you hear "green piece."

10> You one-upped your neighbor's Ferrari by buying an RV with
    a built-in parking garage.

9> Your new hybrid runs on whale oil.

8> Your idea for biodegradable condoms seemed like a winner --
    nine months ago.

7> Your lightbulbs are gasoline-powered.

6> Instead of a nice and sensible five items, your humor lists
    often contain a bandwidth-clogging 17 items.

5> You're one Siberian tiger coat away from being able to wear
    the entire animal kingdom.

4> The shiny new Prius in your driveway looks like a toy just
    delivered by the 15-foot-high motorized Santa in the fully
    lighted sleigh in your front yard with larger-than-life
    glowing reindeer with laser-light-nosed Rudolph in the lead.
    And this year you proudly added the animatronic elf choir
    with surround-sound to your display.

3> Your driveway has a bigger oil slick than Jerry Lewis's pillow.

2> While you can blend in with Shrek, The Incredible Hulk and
    Kermit the Frog, you still don't match the color of David
    Hasselhoff's face after a long weekend.


and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign You're Not All That Green...


1> Ed Begley, Jr. falls to his death in your Paul Bunyon-esque
    carbon footprint.



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Freedom and Democracy? Eh, That's Man Stuff.
http://womensissues.about.com/b/2007/11/05/freedom-and-d
emocracy-eh-thats-man-stuff.htm?nl=1

Just in time for Election Day: An ad campaign that doesn't just dis women but completely
ignores them - unless you consider a split-second of eye candy in 
a fantasy setting a fair and equitable acknowledgment. 
It attempts to key into the hot button issues of our times: politics, corporate greed
and suppression of creativity. But it does so with sexist language, virtually no images
of women, and an assumption that freedom and democracy aren't of interest to the fairer sex.

What men really think about your underwear - Styledash
http://www.styledash.com/2007/12/03/what-men-really-think-about-you-underwear/
Planning on seducing your man with some ultra-lacy push-up number? Think again.

The Daily Mail recently asked a panel of underwear experts to rate some different options in ladies' lingerie
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/femail/article.html?in_article_id=49927
1&in_page_id=1879
and the results might surprise  you.



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*submitted by*
sammy562@msn.com


      Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to
the very elderly widow and asked,
      "How old was your husband?"

"98," she replied.

      "Two years older than me"

      "So you're 96," the undertaker commented.

      She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?



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Returning from a trip to visit my grandmother in Canada, I was
stopped by a state trooper in New York for exceeding the speed
limit. Grateful to have received a warning instead of a ticket,
I gave him a small bag of my grandmother's delicious chocolate-chip
cookies and proceeded on my way.

Later, I was stopped by another trooper.

"What have I done?" I asked.

"Nothing," the trooper said, smiling. "But I heard you were passing
out great chocolate-chip cookies."



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Green Daily
http://www.greendaily.com/
How low can YOU go?  Me?  68 degrees

21 ways to use old coffee grounds - Green Daily
http://www.greendaily.com/2007/12/28/21-ways-to-use-old-coffee-grounds/
Finding new uses for the old is  a creative and fun way to live a little greener. Years
ago, I grew a salsa  garden of tomatoes, hot peppers, bell peppers, onions and garlic.
I worked  broken egg shells and used coffee grounds into the garden soil. Watered with
liquid fish fertilizer. No pesticides. There were no pests, no nibbled on  leaves.
The pungent odor of the garlic, peppers and onion might have repelled  the pests without
any additional help, but I like to think creating a  nutrient-rich soil with used coffee
grounds and egg shells contributed to my  pest-free garden.



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On organizers hailing this year's Rockefeller Christmas tree as
"enviro-friendly" because it's using energy-efficient lights:

That's kind of like being proud that you harpooned a whale from
a solar-powered boat.



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A few years ago I was standing in the check-out line of a local
clothing store with my then six year old daughter.

While I was writing the check to pay for my purchase, my daughter
began tugging on my jacket.

"Daddy," she said softly.

"Yes baby?" I answered her.

"Do you smell something?" she asked innocently.

"No, I don't," I replied.

She got this evil little grin on her face as she said, "You will."



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Podcast: Erectile dysfunction and heart disease — What's the connection?
-  MayoClinic.com
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/erectile-dysfunction/AO00002

Welcome to Mayo Clinic's podcast. This month's topic is atherosclerosis and
  how it can lead to erectile dysfunction. I'm your host, Rich Dietman.
As we get older, our blood vessels may become narrowed and less elastic, a 
condition known as atherosclerosis. In today's podcast we're going to talk about 
how atherosclerosis in men can cause erectile dysfunction, or ED, as it's
sometimes called. Here to help us understand this problem is Mayo Clinic
cardiologist, Dr. Brooks Edwards. Dr. Edwards, thanks for being with us today.

Dr. Edwards: Thank you, Rich.

Rich Dietman: Atherosclerosis and erectile dysfunction, now that
might surprise some men. How are the two related?

Dr. Edwards: Well, the function to have a normal erection, one requires increased
blood flow to the penis. The blood supply to the penis is  therefore critical, and if there's
diseases that limit blood flow — for example,  atherosclerosis, where there's a buildup
of plaque in arteries — that may limit  the ability of the penis to have a normal erection



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Ted Kennedy has signed a deal to write his autobiography. Although
Kennedy is a little sensitive about including the word "auto"
in his "biography". 



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+---------------- Bizarre Hollywood Insults ---------------+


On Julie Andrews: "Working with her is like being hit over the
head with a Valentine's card." -Christopher Plummer

On Richard Gere: "I'm always trying to find diplomatic ways to
talk about Richard and the movie 'An Officer and a Gent- leman.' I
liked him before we started but that is the last time I can remember
talking to him." -Debra Winger

On Marilyn Monroe: "It's like kissing Hitler." -Tony Curtis

On Esther Williams: "Wet she's a star. Dry, she ain't."
-Fanny Brice

On Jayne Mansfield: "Dramatic art in her opinion is knowing how
to fill a sweater." -Bette Davis

On Rex Harrison: "The most brilliant actor that I have ever worked
with. I've liked others very much more." -Anna Neagle.

On Margaret O'Brien: "If that child had been born in the Middle
Ages, she'd have been burned as a witch." -Lionel Barrymore

On Marlon Brando: "He has preserved the mentality of an
adolescent. When he doesn't try and someone's speaking to him,
it's like a blank wall. In fact it's even less inter- esting
because behind a blank wall you can always suppose that there's
something interesting there." -Burt Reynolds



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Planning a Cruise
Cruisecritic.com_ (http://www.cruisecritic.com/
Research almost anything about 60 different cruise lines and gather advice on
  everything ship-related -- from buying travel insurance to using onboard slot
machines. Caveat: Not a booking site, so prices usually aren't listed.

Getting Around
MAPPING ROUTES ON U.S. PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION
Hopstop.com
http://www.hopstop.com/
Decide on your transport of choice, as well as how far you're willing to
walk, and get point-to-point directions for five cities. Bonus features: You can
  see what the trip would cost by taxi and look at panoramic shots of what to
expect when you emerge from underground. Plus, there's a new small-screen
  version for phones and PDA's. Caveat: There are no actual subway maps.

Tips for Traveling, E-Mail, and Text Lingo
By Steve Bass

Here's how to deal with dial-up connections while you're on the road,
plus a brilliant way to get your e-mail read. ....

Read the complete column online: 
http://www.pcworld.com/article/id,136801/article.html?tk=nl_sbxcol



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              The Top 9 Signs a Butterfly Is Asocial             


9> Spends all his time online, surfing caterpillar porn sites.

8> Finds itself only attracted to wallflowers.

7> He prefers a swarm of a few hundred thousand to a swarm of
    several million.

6> He walks around with his fly open.

5> The markings on his wings mimic an extended human middle finger.

4> Brings a can of Raid to school and takes out his entire class
    before turning the can on himself.

3> Nests only in Nick Nolte's discarded boxers.

2> Never strikes up a conversation with any of the others pinned
    in glass cases next to his.


    and the Number 1 Sign a Butterfly Is Asocial...


1> Spends its entire hibernation period composing its manifesto.



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"My father refused to spend money on me as a kid. One time I broke
my arm playing football and my father tried to get a free X-ray
by taking me down to the airport and making me lie down with the luggage."



Glen Super



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I lured the tourist to my hotel room, harvested the organ, and left
the poor soul in a bathtub full of ice with a note. Now it's time
to see just how much an appendix will fetch on the black market.



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Debsnewsletter - Archives
http://www.debsnewsletter.com/archives.shtml



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Because of my fluency in American Sign Language, I was hired to be
a Santa Claus in mall.  My employer wanted to provide deaf children
with a Santa who could communicate with them.  I sat for hours,
performing for the children who came to visit.  But none of them
was deaf.

Then, two girls approached shyly.  One explained that her sister was
deaf and could not speak.  "What is your name?" I signed slowly.
"J-A-S-M-I-N-E," she replied with her fingers, grinning from ear
to ear.  I was bubbling over with pride when I absentmindedly
signed, "My name is H-E-N-R-Y, nice to meet you."

The startled child pulled back and furiously began signing,
"I thought your name was Santa Claus!"



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Not quite grasping the sanctity of "Monday Night Football," I
plunked myself next to my new husband one Monday night to chat. He
was distracted by the action on TV, and after being shushed a few
times, I gave him a "look."

Immediately contrite, he picked up the remote. "I'm sorry, honey,"
he apologized, "I'm being rude. You go ahead and talk--I'll just
turn up the volume."



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*submitted by*
BillieJo50
Bananagames Instant Win Games - Home
http://www.jackpotjoy.com/bananagames/home.do?
Lots of games here - it appears you play for real money OR for free -  UK

Play Mysteryville on Games.com
http://www.games.com/game/mysteryville/
Something very strange is going on in the town of 'Mysteryville' and, as an 
ace reporter for Countryside Life Magazine, it's up to you to find the truth. It 
seems the town cats are disappearing und...Read Full Game Description



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How to Talk to Your Child about Jamie Lynn Spears

A guest column by Davis Logsdon, Chairman of the University of
Minnesota's Dept. of Psychology:

As a prominent child psychologist and the father of two tween girls,
I have grappled with the same problem that many parents are facing
today: how to talk to your child about Jamie Lynn Spears. While
this is an issue that every parent must navigate for him or herself,
here are some questions that your child is likely to ask, followed
by the correct answers.

How did Jamie Lynn Spears get pregnant?

According to her mom, Jamie Lynn was a good girl who always
respected her curfew and girls like that usually don't get pregnant.
So the answer is, no one knows.

Could Kevin Federline have made Jamie Lynn Spears pregnant?

No. This is one of those rare instances when someone got pregnant
and Kevin Federline was not involved.

Now that Jamie Lynn is pregnant, will Zoey, the character she
plays on Nickelodeon, get pregnant, too?

No. Remember, Jamie Lynn is a real person and Zoey is just a
made-up character. Plus, Nickelodeon is owned by an angry old
man named Sumner Redstone who doesn't let people get pregnant. So
there is absolutely no way Zoey will get pregnant. Instead, Zoey
will get cancelled.

Could Hannah Montana get pregnant?

I thought we already went through this. Hannah Montana isn't a
real person. She's a character played by Miley Cyrus.

Okay, then could Miley Cyrus get pregnant?

No, because her dad's always around and he creeps boys out.

Are the girls on Disney's "High School Musical" pregnant?

No, the girls on Disney's "High School Musical" are not pregnant.
They have been too busy posing for naked pictures on the Internet
to get pregnant.

If I pose for naked pictures on the Internet, will that keep me
from getting pregnant?

It couldn't hurt.



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"Verizon Unveils iPhone Rival":
Voyager sports touchscreen and wireless browsing; two skinny models
round out the holiday offerings.
http://www.pcworld.com/article/id,138009/article.html?tk=nl_dgxnws

"Broadcom Cell Chip Goes HD":
The processor promises cell-phone users access to high-quality
multimedia options without sacrificing battery life.
http://www.pcworld.com/article/id,138001/article.html?tk=nl_dgxnws

Should Cell Phone Jammers Be Illegal?
Yahoo! Tech - Sunnyvale,CA,USA
On previous posts about cell phone etiquette I've read yourcomments, and
you seem to agree with the idea that people shouldn't answer their phone in ...



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Mitt Romney's tried to run a perfect campaign. Looks like he's
been dipped in a polyurethane bath. Flip-flopped so much he's in
danger of triggering a Stage Four John Kerry Alert. His campaign
ads should close with "I'm Mitt Romney, and I both approve and
disapprove of this ad."



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Goodbye, "Click to Activate"
http://windows.about.com/b/2007/11/10/goodbye-click-to-activate.htm
A patent dispute with Eolas forced Microsoft to annoy Internet Explorer users last
year by requiring them to  "click to activate" ActiveX controls on Web pages.
The Windows Media Player  plug-in for Internet Explorer was one of the components
affected. Instead of  just pressing play, you currently have to click to activate the control
and then press play. Media Player, interactive Flash animations, and other ActiveX
controls all have the same annoyance unless the Web site designer
took additional steps to avoid the problem.

Thankfully, the annoyance is coming to an end.



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*submitted by*
ron_stott@yahoo.com


A father gave  his little girl a puppy for her birthday. Just an hour later
he found a puddle in the middle of the kitchen floor.
He called out  for his daughter, who came running into the kitchen, and
asked her to explain why she wasn't watching her new dog.

She looked up and said simply, "My pup runneth over."



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Fidel Castro indicated Monday he's ready to step down from power
in Cuba. He's suffering from gastro-intestinal problems. President
Bush is going to throw a fit when it dawns on him that all it takes
to overthrow a brutal dictator is Mexican food.



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You never bark out loud any more when I crack my whip.
And  there's no French maid outfit showin' off your tits.
You're trying hard not to show it, baby.
But baby, baby I know it...
You've lost that lovin' feelin'.
(Jim Rosenberg)


After our failed experiment with turducken last
Thanksgiving, our family's decided to go back
to playing regular, non-scatological dodge ball.
(Brad Simanek)


Not only do the Inuit have over 40 different
words for snow, the men have more than 130
different words for shrinkage due to the cold.
(Jerry L. Embry)


And all this time I thought the villagers
avoided that scarlet-letter-branded
chick because she was an asshole.
(Brad Simanek)



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*submitted by*
DeVulcano


When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said,
"Honey,  25 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a
sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep 
every night with a hot 25 year old beauty." 

"Now we have a $250,000.00 home, a $45,000 car, nice big bed and a 
plasma TV, but  I'm sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me 
that you are not holding up your end of things."

My wife is a very reasonable  woman. She told me to go out and find a hot
25-year-old beauty, and she would make sure that I would once again be
living in a cheap  apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed
and watching a 10 inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great?



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What *Provincial* Mottos Should Be:


British Columbia: Come Try Our Pot

Alberta: Mostly Flat, Except For That Bumpy Bit In The Corner.

Saskatchewan: Roadmap, Scmoadmap, All You Need Is Graph Paper.

Manitoba: Mosquito Hunting Season: June-September. Bring Your
Shotgun

Ontario: The Province That The Rest Of Canada Loves To Hate

Quebec: Dis His A Stickup. Give Hus Hall Your Money Hor We Will Separate

New Brunswick: We Had A Fast Boat A Century Ago, And Nobody's
Heard From Us Since

Prince Edward Island: Now Prince Edward On A Stick

Nova Scotia: Those Who Can, Sail. Those Who Can't Move To Toronto

Newfoundland: It's Squid-Jigging Time, Byes!



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*submitted by*
jacksinfl@gmail.com
Mise à nu . 2005 . Reynald Drouhin
http://www.incident.net/works/miseanu/nues.html
Let the page load and then click on the girls!    :-O

50 most shocking pictures from 2007
http://www.newsoftheworld.co.uk/slidecenter/3012_50_most_shocking_pics/pages/050.htm
Not all the pictures are naughty - but some are - and some are shocking!


X T R E M E L Y   naughty


She's A Pisser
http://www.curlydavid.com/sap12.html

Kiss  Me
http://www.curlydavid.com/kime12.html

Head  On
http://www.curlydavid.com/heon12.html

Rear View
http://www.curlydavid.com/revi12.html

Cockeyed
http://www.curlydavid.com/co12.html



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  Rockin' and  Rollin' makes no endorsement or warranty, expressed or implied, with regard
  to featured products or services.  Results may vary based on operating
  systems and other variables beyond our control



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  Another issue on it's way to YOU! and another one already in the making!  So meet us back
  here next week, same time - same place

  but remember, no matter where you are or what you are doing,
  never,
  ever,
  EVER
  forget to

keep on rockin'
it's a state of mind



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  ©1999 - 2008 - Deborah Austin -  All rights reserved and held by Rockin' and Rollin'

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