Editor:  DebsSweet
  Graphic Editors:  Ditziexx, LuvintheCountry,
   CrispySue, kittykab
  Children's Book Editor:  Amanda260
  Internet Security Editor:  DebsSweet







WOW


I am about as lucky as can be!  Awesome new webmaster/programmer, Jim!  Funny how things
work out sometimes.  I am glad I was patient and found the right guy!!  Thank you
so much for the kind emails telling me how much you missed me!  You
guys are fantastic!

Here we go!!  Finally!!

Free seeds!  Six packs of seeds to Winter Sow - Send a business-sized
envelope with two first class stamps and you get seeds for free!
This offer can be found in the GARDEN links

Effective January 1, 2008, spare lithium batteries -  extra batteries not installed on
devices - will no longer be allowed in checked  baggage.  You can read
more at the link in the VACATION section below.

Being the parent of an online child is difficult.
IMSafer lets you know  when your children may be in dangerous situations online,
and shows you how they  represent themselves in their online profiles.
Find this useful link in the INTERNET SECURITY area below.

  Be careful when surfing the Internet.  I have checked EACH link submitted to you and they are in working
  order as of this posting.  Always be aware of the risks out there and keep current with your
  anti-virus and adware removal software!

  If you would like to SIGN UP or BE REMOVED (sure, remove yourself, break my heart
  and force me into therapy for life) from this mailing list, please send an email
  to me at aol and your request will be handled promptly.

  Kick up your feet and put your problems behind you cause darlin' it's time to ROCK AND ROLL!

  and don't  forget to buckle your seatbelts, cause it's going to be a wild ride! 

"I have been out of touch for several months. If you still have a weekly publication,
I would like to know about it:  address, date it comes out, etc.  It used to be one of the
absolute highlights of my week.  Steve Wheeler"
srw4@suddenlink.net


"Great job on the newsletter, I get many but yours is the only one that
is open until I finish reading it each week.
Hot Pepper Dave"
hotpepperdave@gdinet.com







"The method preferred by most balding men for making themselves
look silly is called the 'comb-over,' which is when the man grows
the hair on one side of his head very long and combs it across the
bald area, creating an effect that looks...from the top...like an
egg in the grasp of a large tropical spider."


Dave Barry







A painter's joke may be off-color while a cook's might be tasteless.



v v v v v



How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?
It takes only one, but he has to give it a good twist.



v v v v v




Cheap Airline Tickets, Discount Hotels, Airfare, Cheap Flights, Air Travel - SideStep
http://www.sidestep.com/
Comparing top aggregators Sidestep and Kayak, we found that eight-year-old 
Sidestep's flight tool has a slight edge: A handy matrix at the top of the
  results page gives an overview of the lowest prices pulled from 600 airlines 
across 200 sites. And refining the search by departure time or airport is a breeze.

Cheap flights with low-cost airlines at flycheapo.com
http://www.flycheapo.com/
Don't get stuck on the name. This is a great resource for learning about 45 low-fare
carriers in Europe. Select your two endpoints (say Rome and Oslo) and learn who
can get you from one to the other on a direct flight (Denmark's Sterling Air). Caveat:
FlyCheapo only shows you who flies where; for prices and schedules,
you'll have to visit the airlines' own sites.

Seeing the Sights of Miami
http://www.dummies.com/WileyCDA/DummiesArticle/id-859.html?cid=etipArticleLink?cid=articleFeature
Miami is one heck of a multifaceted city. Biscayne Bay ripples in
the sunset as the last speedboats come home for the night. Little
Havana tickles the air with the intoxicating fragrance of paella.
And South Beach always sways with nighttime rhythms. This is as
chic as Florida gets. More at the site.

Spare Lithium Batteries Banned in Checked Baggage ~ Digital Zen
http://www.lockergnome.com/digitalzen/2007/12/28/spare-lithium-batteries-banned-in-checked-baggage/
Effective January 1, 2008, spare lithium batteries -  extra batteries not installed on
devices - will no longer be allowed in checked  baggage.



v v v v v



After much arguing and deliberation, historians
this week have come up with a phrase to describe
the Clinton Era. It will be called:

SEX BETWEEN THE BUSHES.



v v v v v



The Center for Disease Control in Atlanta
announced that Clinton has
proven that you CAN get sex from Aides.



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*submitted by*
BADVETTE87






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     The Top 9 New Year’s Resolutions of First Year Residents    


9> To switch careers to something with less stress, like air
    traffic control or bomb defusing.

8> My prescriptions will be written in a dignified manner,
    sprinkled tastefully with Latin, and with no emoticons. ;)

7> I will start that research project to determine whether
    *caffeine* can be classified as a blood type.

6> I will have a social life and go on at least one date. (Mental
    note: Look up what gender I am, and choose appropriately.)

5> I will stop emptying the bed pans in Dr. Johnson's locker,
    even though he's a complete ass.

4> This year I'll take it a little easier on the med students. No
    more than a couple of "serum porcelain assay" requests per
    morning rounds.

3> When in doubt, I will remember to ask myself "WWHD?" (What
    Would House Do?)

2> Last year's plan to wear scrubs all day and night works pretty
    well. This year I'll try to schedule in some showers and
    changes also.


                   and the Number 1 New Year’s                   
              Resolution of First Year Residents...             


1> I will review and actually sign all of my verbal orders, even
    if it's just to find out who keeps taking down my orders in lolcat.



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Debsnewsletter - Archives
http://www.debsnewsletter.com/archives.shtm



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The Top 8 Signs a Pimp Doesn't Care Anymore
                            (Part II)


8> "Smackin' the bitches up" has been replaced by the "stern
    glare of sad disappointment."

7> Brandishes an electric razor to threaten johns who doesn't
    return his girls on time.

6> Eschews his normal 10 pounds of bling in favor of a simple
    Amish look.

5> He's barely able to drag himself to the bus station to pick
    up underage runaways.

4> No longer demands photo ID when accepting checks.

3> The constant surveillance and harassment he puts on his girls
    has been out-sourced to India.

2> Bitch-slaps when he should be pimp-slapping, and vice versa.


and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign a Pimp Doesn't Care Anymore...


1> He's so wrapped up in his Freecell game he tells Charlie Sheen
    to get lost.



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*submitted by*
ron_stott@yahoo.com



Twelve Things You Probably Didn't Know You
Could Do With A Fruitcake


1. Paint a few white and place them outside on the grass so people won't park on your lawn.
2. Use it as building material. (This is actually what the Ancient Egyptians used to build the Great Pyramids.)
3. Keep one under your pillow for home defense.
4. Send one to  the junk mail company with a note asking them to take you off their list.

5. It's colorful, use it as a Yule Log.
6. Carve the Presidents' faces in it and submit as a science or art project.
7. Give one to your boss and tell him it's a life preserver.
8. Use it as a base for flower arrangements.

9. Donate to the local airport for use as airliner wheel blocks.
10. Grind a few  up and give it back to your in-laws in a bag marked "lawn fertilizer."
11. For a community project, sink a few in the ocean and build an artificial reef.
12. Tie one to each foot when you walk through deep snow to keep your feet dry.



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*submitted by*
pavanco1@embarqmail.com
FreeRice
http://www.freerice.com/index.ph
    Click on the answer that best defines the word. 
    If you get it right, you get a harder word. If wrong, you get an easier  word. 
    For each word you get right, we donate 10 grains of rice to the United Nations World Food Program
WARNING: This game may make you smarter. It may improve your
speaking, writing, thinking, grades, job performance..

Monopoly Fans Vote to Determine Which Great Global Cities Will Be
Featured on First Worldwide Monopoly Edition Gam
http://www.centredaily.com/business/story/345997.html)
The MONOPOLY Here & Now: The World Edition game board will be unveiled in
August 2008 and the game will go on sale in September 2008 in 45 countries.
Vote to determine which cities will be featured!
For more than 70 years, Parker Brothers selected elite locations within each
country to place on MONOPOLY game boards. Recently, Parker Brothers invited fans 
of the game to help update the board in their respective countries to reflect what the
game board would look like if it were created today instead of in 1935.  The votes resulted in
Here & Now editions of the game in each country. In 2006, more than 3 million votes
were cast for the U.S. MONOPOLY: Here & Now  Edition which features New York City's
Times Square and Boston's Fenway Park on the high-rent spaces
traditionally home to Boardwalk and Park Place.

Monopoly Board Game - Parker Brothers
http://www.hasbro.com/games/kid-games/monopoly/
VOTE here!



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*submitted by*
BADVETTE87



Are you a Democrat?


Here is a little test that will help you decide. The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.

Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks
eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.
You are carrying a Glock cal 40, and you are an expert shot.

You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?


Democrat's Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor?  Or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?

Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message
does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call  9-1-1?

Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and
  make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.  This
is all so confusing!  I need to debate this with some friends
for few days and try to come to a consensus.



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v v v v v



Having lunch one day, a sex therapist said to her friend,  
"According to a survey we just completed, ninety percent  
of all people masturbate in the shower. The other ten percent  
of them sing."  

"Really?" asked the friend.  

The therapist shook her head and proceeded to ask, "And do  
you know what song they sing?"  

The friend nodded her head and replied, "No."  

The therapist replied, "I didn't think so."  



v v v v v



The stockbroker was nervous about being in prison because his cellmate
looked like a real thug. "Don't worry," the gruff looking fellow said,
"I'm in here for a white collar crime too."

"Well, that's a relief," sighed the stockbroker.
"I was sent to prison for fraud and insider trading. How about you?"

"Oh, nothing fancy like that," grinned the convict.
"I just killed a couple of priests."



v v v v v





Samsung Developing Technology for a Water-Powered Cell Phone
Mobile Magazine - USA
In an effort to go green, Samsung Electro-Mechanics is working on amicro-fuel cell
and hydrogen generator for mobile devices likecell phones. ...

ReCellular Named Exclusive Cell Phone Recycling Partner for ...
Earthtimes - London,UK
The recycling program features a unique pre-paid, take home mailer thatallows Consumer
Cellular customers to mail their used and/or unwantedcell phones ...

Signal Map - Find the best cell phone coverage in your area, or add your own
cell phone signal to the maphttp://www.signalmap.com/



v v v v v



Researchers at Johns Hopkins University have discovered that the
impotence drug Viagra may also be effective in treating indigestion
caused by long-term diabetes.

You may still have indigestion, but with that two-hour erection you
won't even care.



v v v v v



A blonde at a party was telling her friend that she'd gone off men for life.
"They lie, they cheat, and they're just no good," she moaned. "From now
on when I want sex, I'm going to use my tried and tested plastic
companion," she said.

"What happens when the batteries run out?" asked her friend.

"That's simple," replied the blonde. "I'll just fake an orgasm as usual!"



v v v v v






Quick Vista Tips 
Quick Tip #1: Make Text Easier to Read
There's a strong correlation between high display resolutions and eye strain.
All that small text can give  anyone a headache. The solution is not to reduce
your screen resolution, but  rather to increase the text size intelligently. In Vista,
go to  Start, Control Panel and type "adjust font  size" in the search box in
the top right corner, which will take you  directly to the link for the DPI Scaling
utility shown below. The preset value  of 120 DPI is too big for my taste, so I clicked the
Custom DPI button and used the slider control to bump the size up to a more  restrained
110 DPI. Feel free to experiment with what works best for you!

PC World - Microsoft Switches Plan, Offers Vista SP1 Public Beta
http://www.pcworld.com/article/id,141337-c,vistalonghorn/article.html?tk=nl_wvxnw
In a quick turnabout, Microsoft Corp. (http://www.pcworld.com/tags/Microsoft+Corporation
.html) made the newest tweak to Windows Vista  Service Pack 1 (SP1) available to the public on Friday.
Just two days earlier, the new version, dubbed Windows Vista (http://www.pcworld.com/
tags/Microsoft+Windows+Vista.html)  SP1 RC Refresh, had been handed out to a
group of about 15,000 testers who had been working with the service pack for 
several months. At the time, Microsoft said the refresh was "not available for public download."
Friday, it changed its mind and posted instructions on its Web site (http://technet.mi
crosoft.com/en-us/windowsvista/bb738089.aspx)  for downloading and 
installing the new code using the Windows Update service.



v v v v v



A delicate young man walked into an army recruiting  
office. After answering numerous questions, he was  
finally asked if he was a homosexual. The guy  
admitted that he was.  

"Gay, huh?" the brawny recruiter growled. "Do you  
think you could kill a man?"  

"My, yes," the man giggled, "but it would take days  
and days."  



v v v v v



"Men look at stuff like sex very differently from women. It's  
one of the enduring, unsolvable problems of the gender gap.  
A male person has more in common with a male dog than he does  
with a women."  



     Jack Nicholson, Parade Magazine, December 9, 2007  



v v v v v





"I don't suffer from Sexual Dysfunction!
Do I look like I am suffering?"



v v v v v



              Barack Obama and Mike Huckabee won the             
            Iowa caucuses this week. Hillary Clinton,            
            Mitt Romney, and 3 billion Chinese people            
                didn't. What lessons can the other               
               candidates learn from their success?              


              The Top 9 Lessons of the Iowa Caucuses             


9> Biden lost the Joementum.

8> With all those meals in local diners, bring the Sansabelts.

7> Turns out Texas is not the only State to follow the "one cow,
    one vote" principle.

6> The best candidate in either party? Still "None of the Above."

5> Barack Obama makes Bill Clinton look as cool as Lawrence Welk.

4> Clinton scored well in the mandatory program, but Obama won on
    his strength in the freestyle.

3> You can drive all your supporters to the polls in a single
    minivan. (Duncan Hunter only.)

2> Chuck Norris doesn't endorse candidates, he roundhouse kicks
    them into the White House.


    and the Number 1 Lesson of the Iowa Caucuses...


1> The corn is as high as Obama can fly.



v v v v v









v v v v v



          The Top 25 Dark Moments in Super Bowl History


25> 1988: The infamous "Halftime From Hell," featuring Up With
    People" and the cast of the Broadway production of "Cats."

24> 1972: Long before the formation of the famous Dallas Cowboy
    Cheerleaders squad, the Cowboys' sideline entourage includes
    two dozen head of cattle.

23> 2003: Diehard Oakland fans are enraged when post-game
    examination of the video tape reveals that not once did
    the Raiders attempt to cheat.

22> 1979: When a fan-powered hang-glider lands on the field in
    the third quarter, Pittsburgh linebacker Jack Lambert knocks
    him unconscious and feeds his legs into the still-turning
    fan before being pulled away by teammates.

21> 1977: Rather than play the game, the Raiders and Vikings join
    forces to rape and pillage their way through Pasadena's famous
    Rose Bowl stadium.

20> 2006: Just before halftime, Matt Hasselbeck hurls an "errant"
    pass into the stands, dropping celebrity attendee Rosie
    O'Donnell. In post-game comments, he explains it is "payback
    for Tubby O'Flannel dissing [his] sis-in-law."

19> 1969: On the sidelines near the end of the game, a drunken
    Joe Namath attempts to kiss reporter Hank Kolber's 13-year-old
    daughter, Suzy.

18> 2007: Deceased Cowboy coach Tom Landry unsuccessfully tries
    his hand at color commentary.

17> 1986: With the game in hand early in the third quarter, the
    Bears' William "The Refrigerator" Perry can be seen on the
    opposing sideline, dining on the remnants of decimated Patriot
    quarterback Tony Eason.

16> 1984: During the infamous "Wind Bowl," Howard Cosell's toupee
    blows into Tampa Bay and sinks a Nigerian freighter.

15> 1998: Denver Bronco center Sam Tynan retires from football
    at halftime rather than continue to subject himself to
    repeated back-door proddings from visibly aroused quarterback
    John Elway.

14> 2000: After announcing the Rams players at the start of the
    game, aging public address announcer Ernest Jarvis ironically
    *forgets* the Titans.

13> 2005: Food poisoning strikes half of the Patriots defensive
    line on the morning of the game and is traced to a locker-room
    vat of Campbell's Chunky Soup, leading to the arrest of Eagle
    quarterback Donovan McNabb's mother.

12> 1982: In an attempt to silence the Astroturf/grass feud, the
    league office has the game played on a surface of soap flakes
    and corn meal.

11> 1973: One-legged Dolphins' punter Hank "Hoppity" Hooper
    suffers a broken leg on a roughing penalty, then attempts
    to hop off the field on his hands.

10> 2002: During the singing of the national anthem by Mariah
    Carey, the person interpreting for the deaf on live TV
    repeatedly signs the word "bitch."

9> 2001: Giants fan Vinnie Carmino streaks onto the  field
    during the third quarter, only to be clotheslined by a
    steroid-enraged Ray Lewis, who grabs Carmino's penis and
    tosses it into the stands.

8> 1993: Bud Bowl video editors fail to notice Bud Light bottle
    #3 taking a leak on the field.

7> 1981: Near the end of their victory, Oakland Raider players
    mistakenly drench coach John Madden using a water cooler
    filled with his own slobber.

6> 1967: The first-ever wardrobe malfunction is experienced by
    halftime performer Tiny Tim. Fortunately, Tiny actually *is*
    tiny and nobody notices.

5> 2006: Prior to the game between the Steelers and Seahawks at
    Detroit's Ford Field, five Detroit Lions starters attempt
    to enter the stadium and are arrested for impersonating
    professional football players.

4> 1971: Winners the Baltimore Colts are accidentally awarded
    the Vince Lombardi trophy *wife*.

3> 2002: Jesus Christ falls asleep during a slow second quarter,
    forcing Rams quarterback Kurt Warner to play nearly eight
    minutes with no divine help whatsoever.

2> 1979: After the game, a naked "Mean" Joe Green is arrested
    after tossing his towel to a 9-year-old boy.


and Topfive.com's Number 1 Dark Moment in Super Bowl History...


1> 2006: In the now-annual halftime wardrobe malfunction, a
    horrified national TV audience is subjected to the sight
    of Motown legend Aretha Franklin's Frisbee-sized nipple.



v v v v v

Chili Margarita
1.75 liter tequila
1 fresh pineapple
6 jalapeno peppers
fresh lime juice
lemonade
fresh lime
fresh lemon
salt
Cut the pineapple into big half-ring
slices/chuncks. Place them in a 1-gallon
  or more jar, along with the whole jalapenos
and fill with the tequila. Let age for at least 2 weeks.
When properly aged, fill a cocktail shaker with
ice, lemonade, lime juice, and 1 to 2 oz of the
pineapple-jalapeno infused mixture (depending on taste).
Shake, and pour in a chilled, salt rimmed margarita glass.
Garnish with slice of lemon, lime, and a
small jalapeno ring. Enjoy this sweet and
spicy refreshing margarita!


Citrus Eden
A very herbal tasting drink, yet sweet, cold and refreshing.
A blend of citrus with a distinctive green hue that tantalizes
ones senses while everyone else turns green with
envy of such a pretty drink.
Svedka® clementine vodka or equivalent citrus vodka
orange juice
2 mint sprigs (15-30 leaves, washed/strained)
1 lemon
verbena/lemon balm sprig or between 6 and12 leaves
1 sliced lime
Very Simple, makes between 3 - 5 drinks:
Fill average to large blender with ice (yet leave
enough room to get the lid on!)

Pour in Svedka Clementine (or citrus flavored vodka)
over the ice and fill between the quarter and half
mark on the blender's mesurement column. 
Splash in some orange juice until the fluid surrounding
the ice resembles an orange juice shade of yellow.
*(more or less depending upon taste)

Pluck leaves from the sprigs of mint and lemon 
verbena/lemon balm leaving the top most tiny leaves
on the sprig. Do not  throw away the sprig
because it is a nice garnish to plant into the
drink next to a straw for some added asthetic.

Add leaves of both mint and lemon verbena/lemon balm to the top of mixture
already in blender.  Allow your blender to pulse/mix vigorously until the
mixture resembles an avocado colored slush. Pour into your favorite long
stem glass (margarita or costume wine glasses look best) and adorn with
a lime slice and/or the sprigs from mint or lemon verbena/lemon balm for a
professional touch, a cocktail umbrella or a colored straw also sets this drink off well.



v v v v v



"I announced to my wife I was going to the supermarket with her
the next time she went because the stuff she kept bringing home
was not fully in the spirit of American junk food. While she
was off squeezing melons, I made for the junk food section. The
breakfast cereals alone could have occupied me for most of the
afternoon. There must have been two hundred types. The most
immediately arresting was a cereal called Cookie Crisp, which
tried to pretend it was a nutritious breakfast but was really
just chocolate chip cookies that you put in a bowl and ate with
milk. Brilliant."


Bill Bryson in "I'm a Stranger Here Myself."



v v v v v



Gennifer Flowers was asked if her
relationship with Clinton was
anything like Monica Lewinski's.

She replied, "Close, but no cigar."



v v v v v






*submitted by*
pavanco1@embarqmail.com
National Tax Advice Day
http://digits.hrblock.com/ssDigits/NTAD.php
If you don't use a CPA then this might be  helpful

*submitted by*
dallas229@cox.net
Winters Of Long Ago
http://www.greatdanepro.com/Winters%20Long%20Ago/index.htm

Town of  Cochrane Mural Mosaic
http://www.muralmosaic.com/Cochrane.html
W o W o W o W

*submitted by*
SHANNABUTTONS
Linkinn - Amazing Photography by Jose A Gallego
http://www.linkinn.com/_Amazing_Photography_by_Jose_A_Gallego
Beautiful photography

2.  The world as a village of hundred people
http://users.gazinter.net/melan/Warn/Warnenu.htm
This is very interesting!  Really!

3. Infoplease: Encyclopedia, Almanac, Atlas, Biographies, Dictionary,
Thesaurus. Free online reference,  research etc
http://www.infoplease.com/
All the knowledge you need - right here

http://www.ask500people.com/
The idea of polling people for their opinion is nothing new. In fact,
the first known opinion poll dates back almost 200 years.
Maybe you want to find out what people think about an issue. Unfortunately,
personal polling hasn’t been easy in the past. It has largely been the domain of organizations.
Ask500People changes that. Users can post questions for other people to  answer.
Then, the results are placed on a map. That means you can see what
people are thinking around the world. Now, Ask500People is a misnomer. Each question
can be answered by 100 people  before it is archived. The site is testing larger surveys.
You can post a question. Or, you can simply browse through the answers to the
questions that have already been asked

Listas - Welcome
http://listas.labs.live.com/
Microsoft’s Listas will help you manage all of your lists. Once you register, 
you can begin creating lists of, well, anything you want.
By default, your lists are private. But you can opt to share your
lists with  others. This is perfect if your gift giving is a group project.
You’ll also like the Listas toolbar. You can gather links from anywhere. Or, 
add part of a Web page to your lists. You’ll never forget anything again!
Children love electronics

Times Square Cam - EarthCam
http://www.earthcam.com/usa/newyork/timessquare/
This is fun to watch even when it's not New Years Eve

*submitted by*
KP1983
World's largest mosaic made of nails (photo) - Pravda.Ru
http://english.pravda.ru/photo/report/nails-2325
I've seen wondrous things on the Internet over the past 13 years - and this
is right up there with the most amazing.  Wow.

Snowman Name
http://www.quizopolis.com/snowman-name.php
Mine is "muddles carrot-nose"   ew

First Look: Hulu Video Service
Is this new video service from NBC/Universal and Fox a preview of how
we'll get our online TV shows and movies in the near future?
http://www.pcworld.com/article/id,139502/article.html?tk=nl_dnxnws

kakomessenger: tell it with a song !
http://www.kakomessenger.com/
Choose a singer - and then type in what you want him or her to sing  ha

POODWADDLE
http://www.poodwaddle.com/
the search engine home page you can customize
Create your own home page with a search engine, dictionary, thesaurus, 
encyclopedia, maps, calculator, games, and more. Its easy. Simply click Home
Page Editor and give it a try. Poodwaddle also provides the following  tools:  this is really cool

A Single Sheet of Paper
http://bertc.com/subfour/ss/singleSheet.htm
From a sheet of paper........comes amazing things!

Cary News -  YourStreet
http://www.yourstreet.com/cary-nc



v v v v v



*submitted by*
ron_stott@yahoo.com


Why Men Don't Do Many Advice Columns...


Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving
my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more
than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car
shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's
help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the
bedroom with a neighbor lady making mad passionate love to her.

I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When
I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an
affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave
him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he
has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him
very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become
increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,
Mrs. Sheila Usk



Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by
  a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is
  no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips
holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these
approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself
  is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float
chamber.

I hope this helps.

Walter



v v v v v



*submitted by*
BADVETTE87






v v v v v



      NOTE FROM CHRIS:

    Iowa Senator Chuck Grassley wants to examine the financial
       records of six of the country's top televangelists.

                    Talk about revelations....


    The Top 15 Surprises in Televangelists' Financial Records


15> Pat Robertson buys a *lot* of Pokemon cards.

14> $100,000 per month in tithes submitted directly to God --
    with receipts.

13> "Mission: Porn Star Salvation (Thursdays, 10pm-midnight).
    Lesson: 'He is risen!' Expense: Cialis."

12> Who knew that *any* law firm could successfully settle
    29 cases out of court in a single year?

11> Pay-off to suppress true origin of Oral Roberts' first name.

10> Three words: quarterly anal bleaching.

9> $16,000 for mailing list of "gullible" market segment
    and $256,000 for "reeeeally gullible."

8> If another causes you harm and you do the Christian thing
    and turn the other cheek, apparently the dominatrix will
    charge you double.

7> Most of the actual salvation has been out-sourced overseas.

6> Mysterious $50,000 monthly payments to a Mr. Lou Cifer for
    "consulting services."

5> Drugs, sex, rock 'n' roll: See itemized list Schedule B
    (attached).

4> Pool boy: $12,000. Hush money for pool boy: $500,000.

3> Billy Graham was replaced by an ageless animatronic figure
    decades ago, and the upkeep expenses were staggering.

2> $12,000 for a two-week mission near Las Vegas to help those
    poor mustangs on their ranch.


               and Topfive.com's Number 1 Surprise
             in Televangelists' Financial Records...


1> Storage locker fee for the Ark of the Covenant.



v v v v v







PayPal has two new items.

The first item I’d like to mention is the PayPal Security Key. This item adds an extra
level of security to both your eBay and  PayPal accounts. You must purchase it through
one of the sites, however it can  be activated on both services. 

To get it, go to paypal.com/securitykey (http://www.paypal.com/securitykey)
  or ebay.com/securitykey (http://www.ebay.com/securitykey.) . The device
costs you $5 — this includes shipping. What you get is a small little device
with a keychain attachment at the end of it. How it works is simple: each time
the button is pressed, the small LCD on the device will generate a random 
6-digit #. You first activate it by going to the sites I mentioned above and
following the instructions under activating it. After entering your eBay or PayPal user ID and
password, you get presented with a third screen, which tells you to enter the 6-digit
code from the security key and click the button. Then you are logged in to the respective account. 


*submitted by*
Granny B 132


IMSafer
http://www.imsafer.com/splash/login
Being the parent of an online child is difficult.
IMSafer lets you know  when your children may be in dangerous
situations online, and shows you how they represent themselves
in their online profiles.



v v v v v



*submitted by*
BADVETTE87


A Michigan woman and her family were vacationing in a small New
England town where Paul Newman and his family often visited. 

One Sunday morning, the woman got up early to take a long walk.
After a brisk five-mile hike, she decided to treat herself to a
double-dip chocolate ice cream cone.

She hopped in the car, drove to the center of the village and went
straight to the combination bakery/ice cream parlor.

There was only one other patron in the store.

Paul  Newman, sitting at the counter having a doughnut and coffee. 

The woman's heart skipped a beat as her eyes made contact
with those famous baby-blue eyes.

The actor nodded graciously and the star struck woman smiled demurely. 

Pull yourself together!  She chides herself. You're a happily 
married woman with three children, you're forty-five years old, not a teenager!

The clerk filled her order and she took the double-dip chocolate ice cream
  cone in one hand and her change in the other. Then she went out the door, 
avoiding even a glance in Paul Newman's direction. 

When she reached her car, she realized that she had a handful of
change but her other hand was empty.

Where's my ice cream cone? Did I leave it in the store? Back into the
shop she went, expecting to see the cone still in the clerk's hand or in a holder
on the counter or something.  No ice cream cone was in sight. 

With that, she happened to look over at Paul Newman. 

His face broke into his familiar warm friendly grin and he said to the woman, 

" You put it in your purse!"  



v v v v v



What’s the difference between a nice guy and a playboy?  

The nice guy likes to give a girl a present, while the  
playboy would rather give her a past.  



v v v v v







*submitted by*
ron_stott@yahoo.com
BOOKS  TOOLBOX: 50+ Sites for Book Lovers
http://mashable.com/2007/09/08/books-toolbox/
Sites for lovers of books!!   (me me me)

Free Classic AudioBooks. Digital narration for the 21st Century
http://freeclassicaudiobooks.com/
Audio books can be costly. They’re often more expensive than th  cloth-bound variety. 
Fortunately, free audio books are available. Today’s site has a number of 
classic books recorded for your listening pleasure.
You’ll find books in the MP3 format. They’ll work on any player.
There are also versions specifically for the iPod. Additionally, you can
burn books to CD for listening in the car.



v v v v v



Old Dr. Carver still made house calls. One afternoon he was  
called to the Tuttle house. Mrs. Tuttle was in terrible pain.  
The doctor came out of the bedroom a minute after he’d gone  
in and asked Mr. Tuttle, "Do you have a hammer?"  

A puzzled Mr. Tuttle went to the garage, and returned with  
a hammer. The doctor thanked him and went back into the  
bedroom. A moment later, he came out and asked, "Do you have  
a chisel?"  

Mr. Tuttle complied with the request.  

In the next ten minutes, Dr. Carver asked for and received  
a pair of pliers a screwdriver and a hacksaw. The last  
request got to Mr. Tuttle. He asked, "What are you doing to  
my wife?"  

"Not a thing," replied old doc Carver. "I can’t get my  
instrument bag open."  



v v v v v





Web Browsers for Your Mac
http://macs.about.com/od/osx/a/mac_browsers.htm?nl=1

Tired of using the same old web browser? Enhance your online
experience with one of these Macintosh browsers.



v v v v v



*submitted by*
SHAYNABUTTONS


A young engaged couple were getting some prenuptial
counseling from their Rabbi. The guy asked,

"Is it okay to have sex before the wedding?"

The Rabbi replied,
"Not if it delays the ceremony."



v v v v v



Naughty Days of Christmas


    On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...

12> Twelve Toms a-peeping

11> Eleven diaper wipings

10> Tracy Lords a-licking

9> Nine queens a-prancing

8> Eight MILFs a-MILFing

7> Seven poodles humping

6> Six geeks a-Googling

5> Five golden showers



v v v v v








v v v v v



Ginsu Patel comes to the United States from India. He's only  
here a few months when he becomes very ill. He goes to doctor  
after doctor, but none of them can help him. Finally, he goes  
to an Indian doctor.  

The doctor says, "Take dis bucket, go into de other room,  
shit in de bucket, piss on de shit, and then put your head  
down over de bucket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes."  

Ginsu takes the bucket, goes into the other room, shits in  
the bucket, pisses on the shit, bends over, and breathes in  
the fumes for ten minutes.  

Then he comes back to the doctor and says, "It worked!  
I feel terrific. What was it?"  

The doctor says, "You were homesick."  



v v v v v






Click here: Double Blueberry Muffins and more delicious recipes,
smart cooking tips, and video demonstrations on marthastewart
  http://www.marthastewart.com/portal/site/mslo/menuitem.fc77a0dbc44dd1611
e3bf410b5900aa0/?vgnextoid=e9d8d3deb6a0f010VgnVCM1000003d370a0aRCRD

Click here: Chicken with Apples and Cider Sauce Recipe
  http://www.lifescript.com/articles/5986.asp?BID=42311&SID=17053750&EID=
6108AB9D-21FB-40F3-89FA-FF1083EB2DCB&utm_campaign=2007-07-01&utm
_source=healthy-advantage&utm_medium=email&utm_content=todays-headlines_chicken-with-apples-and
   Sounds yummy

Click here: Outdoor Charcoal Grilling - How to Cook on a Charcoal Grill Video - About.com
  http://video.about.com/bbq/Outdoor-Charcoal-Grilling-Tips.htm
  Cooking outdoors over an open flame is a great way to infuse meats and
vegetables with loads of delicious flavor. Take this step-by-step tour to see
just how easy and fun grilling can be



v v v v v



Wisdom From History


"Woman was God’s second mistake."  
Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900)  


"Nietzsche was stupid and abnormal."  
     Leo Tolstoy (1828 - 1910)  


"Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance."  
     Plato (427?-347? B.C.)  


"Plato was a bore."  
     Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900)  


"I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy."  
     Ernest Hemingway (1889-1961)  


"Hemingway was a jerk."  
     Harold Robbins  


"I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was  
not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in  
a bed, but fine against a wall."  
Eleanor Roosevelt  



v v v v v







v v v v v



*submitted by*
oldwild@juno.com



While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a
truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter.  "Before you settle in, it seems
there is a problem.  We seldom see a high official around these parts,
you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up.  What we'll do is
have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven.  Then you can choose
where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind.  I want to be in heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down,
down, down to hell.  The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of
a green golf course.  In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in
front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress.  They run to greet him,
shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting
rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a
good time dancing and telling jokes.  They are having such a good time
that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St.
Peter is waiting for him.

"Now, it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls
moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.  They have a
good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St.
Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven.  Now,
choose your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers:  "Well, I would never
have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I
would be better off in hell."

So, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now, the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren
land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and
putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.  "I
don't understand," stammers the senator.  "Yesterday I was here and there
was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank
champagne, and danced and had a great time.  Now there's just a wasteland
full of garbage and my friends look miserable.  What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning.
Today you voted."



v v v v v



*submitted by*
BADVETTE87



A man walked into his office and told his male co-workers his
wife had givenhim an ultimatum: until he quit smoking, he wasn't
going to get any sex. They asked him, "How long do you think
you'll be able to hold out?"

"Until my girlfriend dies or I get arthritis." 



v v v v v





Avoiding a Zapped Computer:Dummies
http://www.dummies.com/WileyCDA/DummiesArticle/id-3712.html
You know that electricity is dangerous, so you probably avoid sticking your fingers
into live light-bulb sockets and electrical outlets. Even without fingers, your computers,
too, are sensitive to electricity, and you need to protect them from a variety of electrical dangers.

Protecting against electrical surges
An electrical surge is a sudden spate of very high  voltage that travels from the electric
lines to your house and ultimately to  your computer. Computers are particularly
sensitive to surges, and a real surge  can fry your computer. The chips
burn up and your computer becomes a  doorstop.
Most of the time, surges occur as a result of a lightning  strike, but the danger
of a surge also exists if there's a brief blackout  followed by a return of
electricity. During the return of power, the voltage can  spike.
You can safeguard against spikes by plugging your computer into a surge protector.
The surge protectors that are commonly used look  like electrical power strips, usually
with four or five outlets. Read the  specifications before you buy a surge protector to make
sure that it's rated for  real surge protection. (Voltage can rise by 10 volts or hundreds
of volts, so  make sure that the surge protector you buy can handle these extreme surges.)

If a power surge hits any piece of equipment that is attached to your computer by cable,
the surge can travel to your computer.  Therefore, plugging the computer into the
surge protector isn't quite enough;  you also have to use the surge protector to power the
accessories that are  connected to your computer (except for the printer; in fact, if you have
a laser printer, you should never plug it into the same circuit as your computer).



v v v v v



No good deed goes unpunished. I had volunteered to tar the roof on
my father's shed. I was about halfway done when I slipped and fell
flat on my face getting black goop all over my shirt, my pants,
even my hair. Hearing the thud, Dad looked up. "What happened?"

I got up and began to say, "All I did was..." when my feet shot
out from under me and I flipped into the tarry mess a second time.

"You know," Dad said dryly, "you could have just told me."



v v v v v



Clinton now recruits interns from only
four colleges: Moorhead, Oral
Roberts, Ball State and Bringham Young.



v v v v v






Transporting Houseplants in Winter

http://www.dummies.com/WileyCDA/DummiesTip/id-7
03,subcat-HOME.html?cid=articleFeature

You can buy houseplants in any season, but in cold climates you
need to take some special precautions against turning your new
plants into ice pops. When buying houseplants (including holiday
poinsettias) in winter, follow these tips to get your purchases
safely home. More at the site

*submitted by*
pavanco1@embarqmail.com
Free  Seeds for Winter Sowing_ (http://wintersown.org/wseo1/Free_Seeds.html 
Free seeds!  Six packs of seeds to Winter Sow - Send a  business-sized
envelope with two first class stamps and you get seeds for  free!




v v v v v



It was World War II, and the captain was attempting to rally the  
GIs on the eve of a big offensive.  

"Out there," said the captain pointing to the temt's opening,  
"is your enemy. The man who has made your life miserable, who is  
working to destroy you; the man who has been trying to kill you  
day after day throughout this war."  

Private Johnson jumped to his feet. "My God; the cook's working  
for the Germans!"  



v v v v v



A telephone repairman was working late in a big office building  
and became lost.  

After a long search of the rambling first floor to find an exit,  
he spotted a woman at the end of a corridor.  

"Excuse me, can you tell me how to get outside?" he asked.  

"Dial 9," she replied.  



v v v v v







v v v v v



Bumper Sticker Suggestions
whew - these are old


1. Constipated people don't give a shit.

2. Practice safe sex, go fuck yourself.

3. If you drink don't park, accidents cause people.

4. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

5. If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.

6. Please tell your pants its not polite to point.

7. If that phone was up your ass, maybe you could drive a little better.

8. My kid got your honour roll student pregnant.

9. Thank you for pot smoking.

10. To all you virgins thanks for nothing.

11. If at first you don't succeed...blame someone else and seek counselling.

12. Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No Hard Feelings".

13. If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.

14. Horn broken...watch for finger.

15. It's not how you pick your nose, but where you put the booger.

16. If you're not a hemorrhoid, get off my ass.



v v v v v




  *submitted by*
  STLLRNING7
Click here: Daily Email Newsletter for the Funniest Videos, pictures, & jokes on the net
  http://www.funnieststuff.net/viewmovie.php?ad_key=MLNMLQSBIRGV&tracking_id=744964&id=472
  I'm such a sucker for these funny pet videos!!

Click here: Are We Pet "Owners" or "Guardians"?
  http://clicks.aweber.com/z/ct/?bMmG5Ae0fD1pasZwEMVCbA
  Wonderful article!  I highly recommend it

Click here: 10 Easy Corals For Your New Reef Tank - Saltwater Aquariums Guides' Extra
  http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/aAy
  Many novice (and experienced) saltwater aquarists are a bit leery about starting
a Reef Tank. Their requirements not being very well understood, corals used to be
almost impossible to keep for any length of time in an aquarium. Over time and
with many failed experiments along the way, the knowledge, products and information
are now in place, so that many corals can now be successfully kept in small
aquariums. Some corals are now considered "easy" (how far we have come) while
many others are still deemed difficult to impossible for the average Reef Tank hobbyist.   

Click here: Fish Disease - Neon Tetra Disease
  http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/aB0



v v v v v



*submitted by*
ron_stott@yahoo.com


I didn't do my homework because . . .
.

* I didn't do my history homework because I don't believe in dwelling on the past.

* I didn't want the other kids in the class to look bad.

* A sudden gust of wind blew my homework out of my hand and I never saw it again.

* Another pupil fell in a lake and I jumped in to rescue him. Unfortunately,
my homework drowned.

* Our furnace broke and we had to burn my homework to keep ourselves from freezing.

* I'm not at liberty to say why.

* I wanted to frame the detention letter you're about to give me.

* It was destroyed in a freak accident involving a hippo, a toaster, and a
bag of frozen peas. You don't want to know the details.

* I have a solar-powered calculator, and it was cloudy.

* I made a paper plane out of it and it got hijacked.

* My mom used it as a dryer sheet.

* My agent won't allow me to publish my homework until the movie deal is finalized.

* It's against my religion to do any homework.

* I was abducted by green-skinned, three-eyed, pig-snouted space aliens, and
they incinerated my homework with their death rays.

* I felt it wasn't challenging enough.

* My parents were sick and unable to do my homework last night. Don't worry,
they have been suitably punished.

* We had homework?!

* I see your lips moving, but all I am hearing is "blah, blah, blah."

* I didn't want to add to your already heavy workload.

* I spent the night at a rally supporting higher pay for our hard-working teachers.



v v v v v






*submitted by*
ron_stott@yahoo.com


HANDY  HINTS
HINT 1   


Bobby Pins   
These are the greatest little tools to have in your purse.    
They double as keys, paper clips, buttons, map holders and    
much, much more. You shouldn't leave home without one.

HINT  2   
Clear Nail Polish   
Always keep a bottle of this in your purse along with the bobby pins. This is not only great for our nails,    
but it is  also good for stopping those holes in our stockings  from running. Also if you have a tiny little    
leak in your  umbrella and your hair is getting wet, cover the  hole with nail polish and Wola! no more leak.    
Nail polish  is also good as emergency glue, like when your  eyeglasses or sunglasses break, or you loose the    
tiny screw  from the arm, paint on the polish and it will hold  until you can get them properly repaired.   


Another Use for Kiddy Wading Pool

After the summer, don’t deflate that plastic wading pool. Instead, clean it
out well and then slide it under your child’s bed. It makes
a great storage space for their toys.



v v v v v



Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it  
will avoid you.  


v v v v v



Q: Why did Viagra come out with a nasal spray?  

A: For dickheads  



v v v v v



A man walks into a bar with his dog and puts the dog on a  
barstool. The bartender asks the man what he wants to drink.  

"I'll have a bourbon and Coke."  

The man then turns to his dog and asks, "What are you going to  
have, Rover?"  

"I'll have a Scotch and soda -- light on the soda," says Rover.  

The bartender is skeptical about the dog talking. "Come on,"  
he says, "that dog can't talk -- you're a ventriloquist!"  

"No, Rover can really talk! While I am in the restroom, you can  
have a conversation with him yourself -- but don't let him out  
of your sight. He is a very valuable dog."  

The man goes to the restroom. When he returns, the dog is gone.  

"Hey, where's my dog? I told you not to let him out of your  
sight."  

"Aw, I didn't believe that Rover could talk, so I gave him a  
some money and sent him to the drug store to buy me a paper."  

"Let's go look for him," said the man.  

The two went to the drugstore -- no Rover. They walked up and  
down nearby alleys and streets -- no dog! Finally, they found  
Rover in an alley on top of another dog, pumping away.  

Pointing his finger at Rover, the man says angrily, "How come  
you are doing this? You have never done this before!"  

"Well, I never had money before."  



v v v v v









v v v v v



The teacher announces, "The topic of the day is describe your mother to
me as a bird, and tell me why."  She leaves the kiddies for a short
while and then asks them their answers.

Kelly at the front goes first, "My Mummy's like a swan, because she's
white and elegant"

"Thank you Kelly" says teacher, and she continues going around the class.

Bobby says "My Mummy's like a stork, cos she has babies and babies, and
I have 7 brothers and 3 sisters."

"Thank you Bobby." says the teacher, and continues with the other students.

Finally there is no-one left but Little Johnny, so the teacher finally
asks him, "Johnny, what bird most resembles your mother?"

Little Johnny pipes up with "A thrush!"

The teacher,  thinking she may finally have a decent answer asks,
"Why is that?"

Little Johnny replies, "Because she's an irritating bitch!"



v v v v v



I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on  a diet, so he gave me pep pills.

Know what happens? I eat faster. 



v v v v v






THE MERCK MANUAL MEDICAL LIBRARY: The Merck Manual of Medical Information--Home Edition
http://www.merck.com/mmhe/index.html
    Merck & Co., Inc. is a global research-driven pharmaceutical company
dedicated to putting patients first. Established in 1891, Merck discovers, develops,
manufactures and markets vaccines and medicines to address unmet medical 
needs. The company devotes extensive efforts to increase access to
  medicines through far-reaching programs that not only donate Merck 
medicines but help deliver them to the people who need them. Merck also 
publishes unbiased health information as a not-for-profit service 

Cold And Flu Fables - AOL Body
http://body.aol.com/health/fall-health/cold-flu-myths
Starve a fever, feed a cold?  It's all bunk

Dealing with Hair Loss from Cancer Treatment
http://www.dummies.com/WileyCDA/DummiesArticle/id-3060.ht
ml?cid=etipArticleLink?cid=articleFeature
Radiation therapy usually causes hair loss only in the area being
treated. For instance, if your lower body is being treated, you
likely will lose pubic hair or leg hair. If your chest or a
breast is undergoing radiation, hair on and under your arms will
come out.  So much more at the site

Your diet may be causing your bad hair day - That's Fit
http://www.thatsfit.com/2008/01/15/your-diet-may-be-causing-your-bad-hair-day/
The dry, cold air of winter can be hard on your hair. But what if your bad
  hair day has more to do with your diet than the weather?




v v v v v



Two friends had agreed to meet at a resort for a weekend of  
fishing. The first arrived on Friday evening, as scheduled,  
but his fishing buddy never showed up.  

Finally about lunch-time the next day, the tardy fisherman  
arrived beaten and bandaged.  

When asked what the hell had happened, the wounded man  
replied, "The last thing I remember is stopping at the  
highway rest stop and spotting a parked car with what  
appeared to be people in the back seat, so I stuck my head  
through the window and asked, 'Hey, just how far is The  
Olde Log Inn?'"  



v v v v v



A guy's in the electric chair. The warden's just about to  
pull the switch when the guy gets the hiccups.  

The warden says, "Do you have any last requests?"  

The guy says, "(hic) Yeah... (hic) could you please do (hic)  
could you please do something to scare me?"  



v v v v v





http://toosile4u.250free.com/GraphicsTwo/NaughtyPenguins.JPG

Very Funny Ads
http://www.veryfunnyads.com/
Some of these are truly cute!!



v v v v v



*submitted by*
BADVETTE87


Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"  

1st customer: "I'll have tea."  

2nd customer: "Me, too. And be sure the glass is clean!"  

(Waiter exits, returns)  

Waiter:  "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?"   



v v v v v



Did you hear about the family who owned an English pointer and an Irish setter? 
The dogs get together at Christmas time and have pointsetters. 



v v v v v



I hate when I hear people say,  'Nice guys finish last.'
Seems every nice guy I've slept  with finished first and didn't last.



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Older Moms: Good News and Bad News
http://womensissues.about.com/b/2007/11/04/older-moms-good-news-and-bad-news.htm
Holding off on motherhood? There's good reason to wait, but there's also  greater risk. 
Two articles in the Daily Mail point out the benefits - and dangers -
of becoming a mom later in life.

Keeping Your Maiden Name After Marriage
http://womensissues.about.com/b/2007/11/02/keeping-your-maiden-name-after-marriage.htm
So you're about to say "I do" to him. Will you also say "I do" to taking his name? 
This was a much bigger issue a generation ago. Today, only 10% of all women 
who marry will keep their own names. And the likelihood that a woman will change 
over to her husband's name increases when children come into the  picture.



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The world's greatest truck driver was driving along a country lane late one night
when his truck broke down. So he headed towards an old  farmhouse and knocked
on the door. "Hello," Kurt says, "I'm the greatest truck driver in the world and my
truck has broken down, I wonder could I have a bed for the night?"

"Well," says Norm, "there's only two rooms, meself and the wife in one, and 
my nineteen year old daughter in the other."

"Look, I'm the greatest truck driver in the world and all I want is a bed for the
night, your daughter will be safe."

Kurt says. "All right,"

Norm replies and they all go to bed.

At four in the morning, the farmer heard the headboard in the next room
banging against the wall. He got up and looked in, there was the truck driver
driving it into his daughter, with his bare butt going up and down.

So, Norm went down stairs and loaded the shotgun. He snuck into the room
  and pointed the gun at the trucker. "All right, then," he says, "if you're the 
greatest truck driver in the world, reverse out of there with a full load!!



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A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant.  Their waitress,
taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was
slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of
sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across  from him appeared
calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and
said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly,
"No he didn't. He just walked in the door."



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Green Daily
http://www.greendaily.com/
Target said it will reduce its use of PVC (polyvinyl chloride) in packaging
and in children's products, such as lunch boxes and bibs, according to a recent Wall
Street Journal article. Target and other retailers had been under pressure
from consumer and environmental groups for their PVC use.
PVC is a soft plastic 

Dump your left over drugs in with the kitty litter - Green Daily
http://www.greendaily.com/2007/11/09/dump-your-left-over-drugs-in-with-the-kitty-litter/
People were once told to flush their leftover prescriptions down the toilet. These drugs have
since been found in the nation's water supply in small amounts. 
The drugs have been affecting the environment in rivers and
streams (insert Viagra joke here) and small amounts are indeed coming through
the tap. Although no adverse effects on people have been reported, the
government has asked people to stop flushing most medications.



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BROCCOLI HAM BAKE  

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  

INGREDIENTS:  
2 cups chopped, cooked ham  
1 (10 oz) pkg. frozen broccoli  
1 cup cooked rice  
1 can cream of celery or mushroom soup  
1 cup shredded cheddar cheese  
1 small onion, chopped (optional)  
1/2 cup sour cream  
1/2 cup buttered bread crumbs  
salt and pepper to taste  

DIRECTIONS:  
Combine all ingredients except croutons and place in a  
casserole dish. Spread bread crumbs. Bake 1 hour at 325  
degrees or until browned and bubbly.  



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*submitted by*
jacksinfl@gmail.com


   An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads to the docks once
   more for old times' sake.

   He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He's soon going at it
   as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he
   asks, " How am I doing "?

   The prostitute replies, "Well old sailor, you're doing about 3 knots".

   Three knots he asks, "What's that suppose to mean?"

   She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your
   money back !"



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The Beatles -- Eleanor Rigby -- History and Information from the Oldies Guide
http://oldies.about.com/od/thebeatlessongs/a/eleanorrigby.htm
All you've ever wanted to know about the song "Eleanor Rigby" and more

*submitted by*
sammy562@msn.com
YouTube -  Dionne Warwick - Anyone Who Had A Heart
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bpQE9E3M98I) 

2.   Video LEGENDS_OF_DOO_WOP_-_OH_ROSEMARIE - doowop, oldiesDailymotionhttp://www.dailymotion.com/tag/oldies/video/x3jqp7_legendsofdoowopohrosemarie_music



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"According to a new study that just came out, smoking pot regularly
does not lead to harder drugs. In fact the study shows that smoking
pot regularly does not lead to doing much of anything."



Conan O'Brien



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         Someone tried to sabotage a Puerto Rican beauty
            queen's chances at the Miss Universe crown
             by spraying her dress with pepper spray.

       She won anyway, after icing her body down backstage
    (which, coincidentally, would have been *my* suggestion).


           The Top 12 Ways to Sabotage a Beauty Pageant


12> Toilets that puke back.

11> "We've secretly replaced Miss California's rice cakes with
    styrofoam patties. Let's see if she notices."

10> Make binging and purging separate categories, both judged
    by weight.

9> Have the talent portion judged by Paula Abdul.

8> Remove all mirrors, blow dryers and makeup from the dressing
    room.

7> Joan and Melissa Rivers. Need I say more?

6> Prior to the interview segment, replace lipstick tubes with
    strawberry-flavored glue sticks.

5> Require that all answers must be provided in the form of
    a coherent statement.

4> Snakes On The Stage!

3> Tell Miss Congeniality that her boyfriend is backstage making
    out with Britney Spears.

2> All judges must have a current membership with the Braille Institute.


and Topfive.com's Number 1 Way to Sabotage a Beauty Pageant...


1> Thump their skulls. Toss out the ones that don't sound fresh.



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PC World - PC World Downloads - XP_Remove_Hotfix_Backup
http://www.pcworld.com/downloads/file/fid,67647/description.html?tk=nl_ddxdwn
There's a neat way to remove the unnecessary uninstall folders. Grab XP
Remove Hotfix Backup, a free tool from Doug Knox. This is safer and easier
than manually removing the folders individually. It's the surest way to delete
  the folders and their Registry entries while retaining essential hotfixes that 
you may someday need again. For $5, you get a version that lets you selectively
remove hotfixes.

PC World Downloads - GetRight
http://www.pcworld.com/downloads/file/fid,53134/description.html?tk=nl_ddxdwn
GetRight is almost too powerful. This download manager has so many features, 
and so many advanced options, that the learning curve is daunting. The program 
downloads from Web and FTP servers and also handles BitTorrent downloads. It
  integrates with Microsoft Internet Explorer 5.0 and up, and its settings can be
tweaked to capture URLs from the clipboard, so it's simple to use
with other browsers as well. 



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Finally, Hillary Clinton recently went to
a fortune teller who intoned, "Prepare to become
widow. Your husband will soon suffer a violent death!"

Hillary took a deep breath and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"



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A father and son went fishing one day. After a couple hours  
in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world  
around him.  

He asked his father, "How does this boat float?"  

The father thought for a moment, then replied, "Don't  
rightly know, son."  

The boy returned to his contemplation, then turned back to  
his father, "How do fish breathe underwater?"  

Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know, son."  

A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"  

Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know, son."  

Worried he was going to annoy his father, he says, "Dad, do  
you mind my asking you all of these questions?"  

"Of course not, son. If you don't ask questions, you'll  
never learn anything!"  



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"I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six
months later you have to start all over again."



Joan Rivers



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The following is the winning entry from an annual contest calling
for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term,
Political Correctness

"Political Correctness is a doctrine fostered by a delusional
minority and by the mainstream media which holds forth the
proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the
clean end."



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How to catch a polar bear. Cut a large circle in the ice. Line it
with green peas. When the polar bear comes to take a pea, you kick
him in the ice hole.



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*submitted by*
DeVulcano
~*~ A Rainbow Just For You ~*~
http://www.spiritisup.com/rainbowjustforyoukb.html

*submitted by*
sammy562@msn.com
-=Friends Are Priceless=-
http://www.salscreationz.com/illstandbyyou.html

http://www.terrisfunny.com/movies/afriend.swf
http://www.terrisfunny.com/movies/afriend.swf) 



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An American sailor on liberty visits one of those Japanese bath
houses and pays for the deluxe treatment. So three bath maids
start working him over.

First they dunk him in the hot water and lather him up good,
then dunk him in the cold water and back in the hot water. They
cleaned out his toenails and scrubbed his knees, elbows and behind
his ears. Then again in the cold then hot tubs.

He was feeling totally cleaned and refreshed when one maid asks,
"Ah sooo, you want the wax job?"

The sailor says, "Well I want everything I'm supposed to get since
I paid for the deluxe."  So the maid takes his peter and lays it
out on a marble bench.  She then raises her right hand and with a
'Hi Yahhh' she karate chops his peter causing wax to shoot out
both of his ears.



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Q.  "Why don't roosters have hands?"

A.  "Because chickens don't have tits!"



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Having problems setting up Windows Home Server?
Ensure that you’ve taken these simple steps: 

    *Plug in and power on your home server.
    *Connect your home server with a wired network connection to your broadband
  router or to a switch that is connected to your broadband router.
If you’ve encountered issues while setting up your home computers with the
Windows Home Server Connector software, run through this quick checklist: 
    *Connect your home computer to your home network (using either a wired or a
wireless connection), and make sure the home computer is on the same logical 
network as Windows Home Server.
    *Make sure firewall software on your home computer is not blocking access to Windows Home Server.
    *If your computer has been joined to a corporate network (such as a 
corporate laptop), check with the corporate network administrator about the
  IPsec policy. This may block access from the corporate computer to Windows Home Server.



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Bill and Doug were having a drink at the bar and Bill says,
"I found my wife's G-spot".

Doug says, "Oh yeah?"

Bill replies, "Yep - my neighbor had it."



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A guy walked into a bar and sat down next to an extremely gorgeous
woman. The first thing he noticed about her though, was her
pants. They were skin-tight, high-waisted and had no obvious
mechanism (zipper, buttons or velcro) for opening them.

After several minutes of puzzling over how she got the pants up
over her hips, he finally worked up the nerve to ask her. "Excuse
me miss, but how do you get into your pants?"

"Well," she replied, "you can start by buying me a drink."



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Detroit 2008: Mazda CX-9 and Chevy Malibu win North American
Car and Truck of the Year awards - AutoblogGreen
http://www.autobloggreen.com/2008/01/13/detroit-2008-mazda-cx-9-and-
chevy-malibu-win-north-american-car/
North American car and truck of the year - do you own  either?

Police Officer Tips - AOL Autos
http://autos.aol.com/article/safety/v2/_a/what-to-do-when-you
-are-pulled-over/20070822111909990002
There are few things more nerve-wracking, or more anxiety-producing for 
even the most law-abiding driver, than seeing the flashing red and blue lights
  of a police car in your rear-view mirror.

It doesn't always have to be a harrowing experience, even if you know
that you were driving well over the speed limit, or that your registration is expired,
or heaven forbid, you've had a few too many cocktails and are behind the wheel anyway.

There are a few simple rules to follow to make sure the experience doesn't have
to be any more unpleasant than it already is -- considering that it's
likely you will come away with a fat ticket.



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"The Reverend Jesse Jackson says that he will endorse Barack
Obama. Experts say that this is risky for Jackson because not much
rhymes with Obama."



Conan O'Brien



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Frequent hand washing in my job as a medical technologist and the
harsh weather combined give me very dry skin.

One night as I prepared for bed, I rubbed my hands with petroleum
jelly and covered them with an old pair of white gloves. As I
sat in bed reading a book with my gloves on, my husband finished
showering and came into the room wearing a towel.

Drying himself off, he went to the closet, selected a tie and put
it on. "What are you doing?" I asked.

"Well" he replied, "if you are going to be formal. So am I."



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"According to 'Consumer Research' more people are drinking soda
for breakfast. It's become the new orange juice. Maybe in the
trailer park where Yoo-hoo is the new champagne!"



Jay Leno



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The government will be requiring new food labels that are more
specific. Products will now be labeled, no fat, low fat, reduced
fat and fat, but great personality.



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A young woman sat in her stalled car, waiting for help.  Finally,
two men walked up to her. "I'm out of gas," she purred. "Could
you push me to the gas station?"

The men readily put their muscles to the car and rolled it several
blocks. After a while, one looked up, exhausted, to see that they
had just passed a gas station.

"We just passed a station! How come you didn't turn in?"  he yelled.

"Oh, I never go there," the girl shouted back. "They don't have
full service"



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http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1795.html

Iowa
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1796.html

Iowa Part II
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1797.html

Would you stop the squirming!
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1798.html

This just in  ....
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1799.html

Tan Tan TAN!
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1800.html
She is gonna be PISSED OFF!

http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1731.html

Where no man has gone before!
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1732.html

The mirror doesn't lie!
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1733.html

Queer Eye for the Bad Guy!
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1734.html

This Kid Needs Help...
http://www.ezines4all.com/at200406/056.htm

See for yourself why golf is better!
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1787.html

How to get women to SAVE money!
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1788.html

Spring break at YOUR Dorm!
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1789.html

Alabama
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1790.html

Alaska
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1791.html

Alaska Part  II
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1792.html

California
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1793.html

California  Part II
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1794.html

*submitted by*
jacksinfl@gmail.com
Virtual Orgasm Simulator
http://www.santorine.org/adolph/ohyes.html
LOL - true!


X T R E M E L Y   Naughty

Rear View
http://www.curlydavid.com/revi12.html
Rear View

Want Some
http://www.curlydavid.com/waso12.html
Want Some

Amateur Screw
http://www.curlydavid.com/amsc108.html
Amateur Screw

You Want
http://www.curlydavid.com/xwant.html
You Want

Curly Fans
http://www.curlydavid.com/cfan281.html
Curly Fans



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  Rockin' and  Rollin' makes no endorsement or warranty, expressed or implied, with regard
  to featured products or services.  Results may vary based on operating
  systems and other variables beyond our control



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  Another issue on it's way to YOU! and another one already in the making!  So meet us back
  here next week, same time - same place

  but remember, no matter where you are or what you are doing,
  never,
  ever,
  EVER
  forget to

keep on rockin'
it's a state of mind



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  ©1999 - 2008 - Deborah Austin -  All rights reserved and held by Rockin' and Rollin'

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