Rockin' and Rollin'

   Editor: DebsSweet
Graphic Editors: Guysbabi, Ditziexx, LuvintheCountry,
   CrispySue, kittykab
Children's Book Editor: Amanda260
Internet Security Editor: DebsSweet

SMILE

Come on --- the holidays are coming! I am so excited! It's what you make
of it and besides, it's better to give than receive.

And if you are so inclined, it's Christ's sweet birthday, Hanakkuh and whatever
holiday you hold dear around this time of the year.

Be careful when surfing the Internet. I have checked EACH link submitted to you and they are in working
order as of this posting. Always be aware of the risks out there and keep current with your
anti-virus and adware removal software!

If you would like to SIGN UP or BE REMOVED (sure, remove yourself, break my heart
and force me into therapy for life) from this mailing list, please send an email
to me, deb@debsnewsletter.com and your request will be handled promptly.

Kick up your feet and put your problems behind you cause darlin' it's time to ROCK AND ROLL!

and don't forget to buckle your seatbelts, cause it's going to be a wild ride!



"Hope your little Dog is feeling better and has a speedy recovery....Yes I am
one of those that looks for the newsletter early and it is well read
before others get it...ha-ha....what can I say?
Both you and your little angel are in my thoughts and prayers....we have
a little girl here that we love just as much...and no matter how much it
cost in the long run ...well worth every cent.....
Let us all know how she is doing in your next letter.....hugs and love ...Patty"
dallas229@cox.net


v v v v v

While I was preaching in a church in Mississippi, the pastor
announced that their prison quartet would be singing the following
evening. I wasn't aware there was a prison in the vicinity and I
looked forward to hearing them.

The next evening, I was puzzled when four members of the church
approached the stage. Then the pastor introduced them.

"This is our prison quartet," he said, "behind a few bars and
always looking for the key."

v v v v v

*submitted by*
GuffieBaby

Fred and Mary got married, but they couldn't afford a honeymoon so
they went back to Fred's parents' home for their first night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little
brother gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to
go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, "No."

Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"

She Replies, "No."

Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your
lunch and get back to school."

After school Johnny comes
home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"

His mom says, "No."

He asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His Mom replies, "Ok, do tell me; what you think?"

He says, "Last night Fred
came to my room for some Vaseline, and I think
I accidently gave him my airplane glue."

v v v v v

Free I Love You Ecards, I Love You Greeting Cards, I Love You Greetings,
Cards, ecards, egreetings
http://cards.123greetings.com/cgi-bin/newcards/showthumbs.pl?q1=love_iloveyou&log=123
The three magical words "I Love You", can change your life, a love quote or
a love poem is the best way to express your love. Send these romantic Love You
ecards to your beloved, first love, true love, forever love, one love or online
love and express your feeling to him/ her with these 'I Love You' cards.
Send Free Online Greeting Cards to your friends and loved ones.
ALL cards are absolutely FREE !!!

"I Love You" in Different Languages
http://www.columbia.edu/~sss31/rainbow/i-love-you.html

Lovingyou.com: Love, Romance and Relationship Resources
http://www.lovingyou.com/
Romantic ideas, advice, inspiration, forums, eCards, printables and more

v v v v v

While Viagra might help your sexual performance,
one of the main side effects seems to be an
irresistible urge to send out millions of poorly
written e-mail messages touting its benefits and offering
to sell it to total strangers.

v v v v v

   TOMATO SOUP CAKE - Really

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

CAKE INGREDIENTS:
1/2 cup solid shortening
1 cup sugar
1 (10 1/2 ounce) can condensed tomato soup
1 1/4 cups chopped nuts (pecans or walnuts are good)
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 cup raisins
1 1/2 cups flour
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 1/2 teaspoons ground nutmeg
2 1/2 teaspoons ground cinnamon
1 teaspoon ground allspice
1/2 teaspoon ground cloves

ICING INGREDIENTS:
3 ounces cream cheese
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 cup confectioners sugar
1/4 cup chopped nuts

DIRECTIONS:
Preheat 375 degrees. Grease a 10-inch square cake pan. Cream
shortening and sugar in a large bowl. Stir in tomato soup
(undiluted) and then mix in soda, raisins, just 1 cup of the
nuts, flour, baking powder and spices mixing well after each
addition. Spread batter into prepared pan and bake for 45
minutes. When cake is done, remove it from oven and loosen
edges with a knife. Let cool before frosting.

Icing...
Place cream cheese in a small bowl and let it soften at room
temperature. Add vanilla and sugar. Mix well. Spread icing on
cooled cake. Sprinkle with remaining 1/4 cup nuts and serve.

Categories: Cakes, Desserts

v v v v v

v v v v v

Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27 year old white male, resident of White Plains,
NY, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Friday. Davidson will be charged with lewd and
lascivious behavior, public indecency,and public intoxication at the County courthouse
on Monday. The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he
decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one
around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't" he stated in a phone
interview from the County courthouse jail.

Davidson went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road,
picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in
it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need".

"I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process, Davidson apparently failed to notice the White Plains police car
approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached
him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure" said officer Taylor. "I walked up to
(Davidson) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin."

Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Davidson.
"I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing
a pumpkin?'

He got real surprised, as you'd expect, and then looked me straight
in the face and said, 'A pumpkin!? Damn...is it midnight already?'"

v v v v v

v v v v v

*submitted by*
ron_stott@yahoo.com

After raising four kids and losing one husband, I decided to return to college
and get the degree I had started but never finished. And so, on my first day of
college, eager with anticipation, and more than a little nervous, I took a
front row seat in my first class in over 40 years -- a literature course.

The professor told us we would be responsible for reading five books over the
course of the semester, and that he would provide us with a list of
authors from which we could choose.

He ambled over to the lectern, took out his class book, and
began: "Baker, Black, Brooks, Carter, Cook..."

I was working feverishly to get down all the names, when I felt a tap on my shoulder.
The student behind me whispered, "Slow down! He's just taking attendance!"

v v v v v

I just found out I suffer from ADFD:

Attention Deficit Food Disorder.
My doctor says I nee - oh, look! Cheesecake!

v v v v v

   Click here: WorldStart's Video Tip of the Week
http://imgsrv.worldstart.com/videotips/index.htm
We all have several programs on our computers, don't we? And chances are, we
use at least half of those on a daily basis. So, have you ever had a program that only
opens in its "normal" state? You know, it doesn't open up to its full capacity. Well,
how would you like to change that so it opens up in its maximized state? Yeah,
I thought you might like that. To understand more about what I'm talking about and
to get started with this tip, just click on the link below. It's all ready for
you there! http://imgsrv.worldstart.com/videotips/index.htm

v v v v v

Duct tape is like THE FORCE; it has a light side and a dark
side, and it holds the universe together.

v v v v v

Oh, sure, women will *say* they want a man who
can still view the world with childlike wonder,
but watch how quickly they change their tune when you put
a small garden snake put down their pants.

v v v v v

I’M SO GLAD YOUR'E A PAL OF MINE
http://susie1114.com/IMSOGLAD.html

*submitted by*
jacksinfla@earthlink.net
Hello My Friend
http://www.angelfire.com/ma/alluring/hellomyfriend.html

v v v v v

The Top 9 Extras Parents Would Like to
See on "Pimp My Stroller"

9> Auto rattle-retrieve.

8> Moisture-activated diaper alarm system.

7> Crowd sweeper arms for those idiots that don't have the common
sense to get out of your way when you are pushing the twins.

6> Downhill airbrakes that lock if the stroller speed exceeds 10 MPH.

5> A parental rumble seat for those long days at the mall.

4> Tricked-up suspension that enable a little off-road excitement!

3> Handy-dandy cooler at pushing level for some handy-dandy beer.

2> Spinny hubcaps, a neon lighted license plate frame, and a
thruster-bass sound system to jitter the store windows when you go by.

   and the Number 1 Extra Parents Would
   Like to See on "Pimp My Stroller"...

1> Mirrors to let you see what your kid is stealing off of the
shelves of the supermarket.

v v v v v

My retired husband, Jim, has been attending a beginning watercolors class. During
one session the instructor asked the class what they planned to do with their
paintings when they were finished. Virtually all of the students were
undecided, but Jim knew exactly what he would do with his. I'm going to send
them to my children," he said with a smile, "so they can put them on their refrigerators."

v v v v v

If it walks out of your refrigerator, LET IT GO!

v v v v v

Engine Troubleshooting - Reading Engine Codes - OBD or OBD-I Diagnostics
http://autorepair.about.com/od/troubleshooting/a/OBD_codes.htm

At some point the powers that be decided that it would be easier to figure
out what was wrong wit your car if it just told them what the problem was.
Sounds like a great idea, right? In some ways it was, but there are 10,000
different diagnoses your car can give, so putting your finger on the right one
can be difficult.

v v v v v

At the UPS cargo phone center where I worked, a woman called and said,
"I need a baseball quote."

I immediately answered with Yogi Berra's famous quote:
"It ain't over 'til it's over!"

There was a brief moment of silence before the woman asked, "What was that?"

"You asked me for a baseball quote," I responded, "and that was the first
thing that came into my head."

"Oh," she replied. "My husband told me to call and get a baseball quote."

I asked if she wanted to ship something, and she said she did.

Then it dawned on me: "Do you mean you want a ballpark figure?"

v v v v v

For years I had been telling my friend Pete that he ate too much fast food,
but he always denied it. One day he admitted I was right.

"What changed your mind?", I asked.

"My grandson. When my daughter told him I was coming to visit, he
asked, 'Grandpa from Florida, or Grandpa from Pizza Hut?"

v v v v v

Yapta - How do I Yapta
http://www.yapta.com/how/

Whether you have already purchased a ticket or are just starting your
travel planning, Yapta can help you save money. In either case, all of your
trips are stored in your Yapta account. You can quickly glance
at all the latest prices in one location.
Already purchased your ticket? Just enter your confirmation code. Yapta will then
track prices on that flight and alert you when you.re eligible for a refund.B
Planning a trip? Start tracking lots of trips quickly, download the Yapta Tagger or
you can type in the information manually. Yapta will alert you when
prices drop and help you buy the best deal.
Airline prices often drop for only a few hours. It is the lucky shoppers who happen
to be on a travel website at the exact moment and purchase those low fares.
So, how do you know when the price drops?
Unless you are checking the travel websites daily, you will miss the lowest prices.
That is why there is Yapta. Yapta tracks the prices for you!
Yapta alerts you when the price drops so that you can either get that refund on a purchased
ticket or buy that low-fare ticket on the prime flights.

   Click here: LinkScanner Lite (exe), from Exploit Prevention Labs - Free
Downloads on ZDNet | Shareware, Trialware, Evaluation
http://ct.zdnet.com/clicks?t=38582651-806f0115a755e77dbd661609f3a0db00-bf&s=5&fs=0
LinkScanner Lite analyzes sites in real time to detect a wide range of online threats
including malicious content, phishing, social engineering and targeted software
exploits. As you surf the web, LinkScanner Lite site ratings tell you which sites are safe and
which are dangerous at the only time that matters - right before you go there. Whenever
you're surfing, just right-click any hyperlink on the web and LinkScanner Lite will give
you an instant page security analysis. LinkScanner Lite integrates with major search engines
to check organic and paid search results; a color-coded icon appears alongside each listing,
so you get advance warning of poisoned sites and can steer clear of active threats.
LinkScanner Lite is small, lightweight and won't impact system performance. It is free for
personal use and compatible with major anti-virus, anti-spyware and firewall products.
Version 2.6.0 improves performance and includes minor enhancements

   Click here: Musical Scales (msi), from Hyteq Systems - Free Downloads
on ZDNet | Shareware, Trialware, Evaluation Software
http://ct.zdnet.com/clicks?t=38582674-806f0115a755e77dbd661609f3a0db00-bf&s=5&fs=0
   Musical Scales is the best method for learning scales. It also helps you learn
to improvise in specific keys while you train your ear to recognize those keys.
It doesn't play chords but it does allow you to transpose the notes for any instrument.
For Saxophone, Flute, Oboe, Bassoon, Trumpet, Trombone, French Horn, Clarinet,
Piano, Keyboard, Violin, Viola, Cello, Chello, Bass, Tuba, Harp, Xylophone,
Harpsichord, Banjo, and any other Instrument.

v v v v v

Finishing up our work at a trade show in San Diego, my coworker Maureen and I decided
to go sightseeing across the border in Tijuana, Mexico. While there, we went shopping
and bought a few pieces of clay kitchenware. As we crossed back into the United States,
a customs official asked if we had anything of value to report. "Not really," Maureen replied,
digging in her bag for the bean crock she had purchased. Everyone around us
froze as she continued, "I only bought a little pot."

v v v v v

"The Wal-Mart chain is refusing to sell a book written by WWF
superstar Mankind because the book contains a picture of a naked
elf. Everywhere Wal-Mart shoppers are asking themselves the same
question, "What's a book?"

Craig Kilborn

v v v v v

   Click here: YouTube - You've Got A Friend---carole King,Celine,Gloria,Shania
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W6r1175w_lM
This is wonderful -- sit back and listen

   Click here: Changing Strings on an Electric Guitar - a
tutorial on how to change electric guitar strings
http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/a8f

   Click here: Summer fun!
http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/a1M
Summer can't get here fast enough for some of those in the colder climates,
and if 50 is the new 30, May very well be the new June. We could wait until
Memorial Day on May 28th or the actual physical solstice on June 21st, but it certainly
feels like summer already. With that in mind, here's a reminder of just how much the classic
AM radio hits of the 50s, 60s, and 70s influenced us all in the warmer months,
and how well they still manage to set the mood! This link is old but you
might enjoy it anyway!

   Click here: Top Summer Pop Songs of the 2000's
http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/a1O
Top 10 lists of summer pop songs from 2000 through 2005

v v v v v

*submitted by*
DeVulcano

Rick was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry.
She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes
from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds . . . . AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning Rick got up early and left for work. When his wife
woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on
her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the
house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Rick has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him

v v v v v

   Well someone has to work that 11 to 7 shift. And
   that someone has to find something constructive
   to do when all the patients are asleep…

The Top 7 Signs the Night Shift Was Bored

7> Tongue depressors, bandage tape and casting gauze have been
crafted into an eight-foot T-Rex nurse.

6> Security lists 67 separate overnight pagings of "Dr. Howard,
Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard."

5> Each patient's hair has been braided into cornrows. *All* their hair.

4> "U. C. Bonez," the admit in 37A, has a diagnosis of "terminal
anorexia," and the anatomy lab is missing its skeleton again.

3> Head shots of the First-Year Residents have been glued into
the bottom of bedpans. The bedpans? Superglued to the ceiling.

2> "Oh hell. Can anyone find me a pen that *doesn't* have
disappearing ink in it?"

and the Number 1 Sign the Night Shift Was Bored...

1> Pathology slide captioned: "I haz teh lookeemya. I can haz chemo?"

v v v v v

The Top 9 Signs Your Trick-or-Treater Is a Doctor

9> He's on your front step for less than 30 seconds. *You* get a
bill the next day for $300.

8> A kid dressed like an insurance agent follows him and takes
3/4 of his candy after each house.

7> That "God" costume looks a little threadbare, as if he's been
wearing it to work a lot lately.

6> As the little vampire leaves, you catch a lingering "Dodge
Viper" scent.

5> Instead of arriving in your neighborhood in a minivan, her mom
is driving one of those mobile MRI trucks and screening treats
for razor blades.

4> Fifteen minutes before she arrives, her little brother comes
to your door, hands you a clipboard, and asks you to update
all of your insurance information.

3> "TRICK OR ... [beepbeepbeep!] darn, can you hold while I take
this call?"

2> As he grabs your popcorn balls with rubber gloves, he asks you
to cough.

and the Number 1 Sign Your Trick-or-Treater Is a Doctor...

1> A kid dressed like a nurse rings your doorbell, yells "Trick
or Treat!", asks to see your insurance card, takes your blood
pressure and temp, makes you get undressed, and then tells you
the next trick-or-treater will be with you shortly. An hour later ...


   v v v v v

   *submitted by*
   STLLRNING7
Click here: Daily Email Newsletter for the Funniest Videos, pictures, & jokes on the net
   http://www.funnieststuff.net/viewmovie.php?ad_key=MLNMLQSBIRGV&tracking_id=744964&id=472
   I'm such a sucker for these funny pet videos!!

Click here: Are We Pet "Owners" or "Guardians"?
   http://clicks.aweber.com/z/ct/?bMmG5Ae0fD1pasZwEMVCbA
   Wonderful article! I highly recommend it

Click here: 10 Easy Corals For Your New Reef Tank - Saltwater Aquariums Guides' Extra
   http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/aAy
   Many novice (and experienced) saltwater aquarists are a bit leery about starting a
Reef Tank. Their requirements not being very well understood, corals used to be almost
impossible to keep for any length of time in an aquarium. Over time and with
many failed experiments along the way, the knowledge, products and information
are now in place, so that many corals can now be successfully kept in small aquariums.
Some corals are now considered "easy" (how far we have come) while many
others are still deemed difficult to impossible for the average Reef Tank hobbyist.

Click here: Fish Disease - Neon Tetra Disease
   http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/aB0


   v v v v v

Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?



   v v v v v

*submitted by*
SHAYNABUTTONS

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician
to ask his advise in reviving her husband's libido.

"What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor.

"Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin."

"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you
drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try
and call me in a week to let me know how things went."

It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as
to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!
   T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!"

"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost
immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants
a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying,
ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the
tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"

"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the
sex your husband provided wasn't good?"

"Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin here,
I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"

   v v v v v





Click here: Build a Shelf - How to Build a Decorative Shelf Video - About.com
   http://video.about.com/interiordec/Basic-shelf.htm
   Looking for a way to use up your leftover wood? Watch how to make a simple
but decorative shelf, perfect for holding pictures or knickknacks.

Click here: Window Treatment - Homemade Cornice Board - Directions
   http://clk.about.com/?zi=18/yX&sdn=interiordec&cdn=homegarden&tm=176&g
ps=104_23_1193_850&f=00&tt=37&bt=0&bts=0&zu=http%3A/
/homeparents.about.com/cs/homedecorating/a/cornice3.htm
   Cutting and assembling the pieces of wood you will use to build your cornice board
are fairly simple and require common tools found in many homes. Your local hardware
store might be able to cut the pieces for you at a nominal charge.



   v v v v v


As I pondered the age-old question, "What
would evil sorcerers most like for breakfast?"
the answer suddenly came to me: Unlucky Charms,
of course! They're magically malicious!

   v v v v v

   Billy Joel is on tour, The Who are playing
   again, and even Led Zepplin has decided to
give a reunion concert. Surely this can't be
easy for rockers of their advanced ages, no?

   The Top 9 Health Tips for Aging Rockers

9> Only hire old roadies -- they may not look hot, but they'll
   understand your prostate problems.

8> Nore more than 3 groupies per Viagra.

7> Lift from the legs when you smash that guitar on the floor.

6> In time of emergency a shorted-out guitar makes an excellent defibrillator.

5> Be careful not to catch your nipple ring on your colostomy bag.

4> It's actually much easier to score drugs nowadays, since the
   drugs of choice are Coumadin and Viagra.

3> The bones and cartilage in a bat's neck can rupture sensitive
   gum tissue, as well as ruining expensive dentures. Don't even
   think about it.

2> Nothing says "ready to rock!" like an 8-ball of blow and an
   8-pack of Ben-Gay.

and the Number 1 Health Tip for Aging Rockers...

1> More early-bird specials, fewer all-night rock-outs.


   v v v v v

*submitted by*
BADVETTE87

   A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious
financial troubles.

   While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of
new bibles that had never been opened and distributed. So at his Sunday
sermon he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be
willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the
desperately needed money for the church.
Peter, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.
The minister knew that Peter and Paul earned their living as
salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles but he had serious doubts
about Louie.

Louie was just a little local farmer, who had always tended to keep
to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor
little Louis stuttered very badly. But, not wanting to discourage poor
Louis, the minister decided to let him try anyway.

He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars
stacked with bibles and asked them to meet with him and report the results of
their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.

Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister
immediately asked Peter, "Well, Peter, how did you make out selling our bibles last
week?"

Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Peter replied, "using my
sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I
collected on behalf of the church."

"Fine job, Peter!" The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand.
"You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."
Turning to Paul, he asked "And Paul, how many bibles did you manage to sell
for the church last week?"

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, "I am
a professional salesman and was happy to give the church the benefit
of my sales expertise. Last week I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church,
and here's $280 I collected."

The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are
truly a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you."

Apprehensively, the minister turned to little Louie and said, "And
Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?"

Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope. The reverend
opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?" the minister exclaimed.
"Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320
bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?

Louie just nodded.

That's impossible!" both Peter and Paul said in unison. "We are
professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many
bibles as we could."

"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister agreed. "I think you'd
better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."

Louie shrugged. "I-I-I- re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for
sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.

Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell
us what you said to them when they answered the door!

"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-would
y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this
b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you
j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you?"

   v v v v v

   v v v v v

Subject: 2008 Democratic National Convention Agenda

7:00 pm Opening flag burning

7:15 pm Pledge of Allegiance to the U.N. in Spanish

7:20 pm Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

7:25 pm Nonreligious prayer and worship with Jessie Jackson and Al Sharpton

7:45 pm Ceremonial tree hugging

7:55 pm Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

8:00 pm How I Invented the Internet - Al Gore

8:15 pm Gay Wedding - Barney Frank presiding

8:35 pm Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

8:40 pm Our Troops are War Criminals - John Kerry

9.00 pm Saddam Memorial Rally - Cindy Sheehan and Susan Sarandon

11.00 pm Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

11:05 pm Collection for the Osama Bin Laden kidney transplant fund -
Barbara Streisand

11:15 pm Free the Freedom Fighters from Guantanamo Bay - Sean Penn

11:30 pm Oval Office Affairs - William Jefferson Clinton

11:45 pm Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

11:50 pm How George Bush Brought Down the World Trade Towers - Howard
Dean & Rosie O'Donnel

12:15 am "Truth in Broadcasting Award" - Presented to Dan Rather by
Michael Moore

12:25 am Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

12:30 am Satellite address by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

12:45 am Nomination of Hillary Rodham Clinton by Nancy Pelosi

12:50 am Speech and toast by Hugo Chavez to the departure of "the
great satan", 'W' Bush

12:50 am Hillary proposes a toast to our 89 million new Democratic Mexicans

1:00 am Ted Kennedy proposes a toast to the extinction of the
Republican party.

1:05 am Coronation of Hillary Rodham Clinton

1:30 am Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

1:35 am Bill Clinton asks Ted Kennedy to drive Hillary home



   v v v v v





Click here: Welcome to Savvygardener.com - Your Best
Resource for Gardening in Kansas City
   http://www.savvygardener.com/
   Fantastic gardening site

Click here: Video - How to Care for Fresh Flowers
   http://video.about.com/housekeeping/Care-for-Fresh-Flowers.htm
   Flowers can really brighten up a room until they start to fade away.
Find out how to make those lovely blooms last a little longer



   v v v v v


The Top 10 Signs You're About to Be Involved in a Sex Scandal

10> When you wake up, the ASPCA is leading the goat away in front
   of the entire neighborhood.

9> YoungHottie13's not at McDonald's like she promised to be,
   but you decide to stick around anyway because it looks like
   "Dateline NBC" is having some sort of event there.

8> The only thing the hooker is still wearing is the lapel
   she's talking into.

7> Your "wide stance" foot and your "caressing the bottom of
   the stall separator" hand just got handcuffed together.

6> This smokin' hot male prostitute reminds you a lot of that
   new guy at the D.A.'s office.

5> Your 13-year-old student mentions that six of his friends
   *also* want to have sex with the teacher.

4> The things you've done to choir boys make the other priests
   look like, well, choir boys.

3> "Wait a minute, gorgeous -- if YOU got the copy of my campaign
   speech, then WHO got the autographed picture of my penis?"

2> A disgusted Michael Vick interrupts your "performance" to ask,
   "Man, how can you do THAT with a dog?"

   and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign You're
About to Be Involved in a Sex Scandal...

1> The "glory hole blindfold" concept was very exciting -- until
   you nearly choked to death on that reporter's microphone.


   v v v v v


   v v v v v

   BBQ CHICKEN PIZZA

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

INGREDIENTS:
1 12-inch pizza shell or pre-baked crust
1 Cup Barbecue sauce
2 cooked Chicken breasts, diced
10 ounces Mozzarella cheese, shredded
1/2 cup red onion, chopped
1/2 cup green pepper, chopped

DIRECTIONS:
Preheat oven to 450 degrees. Spread the BBQ sauce evenly
over the entire crust. Sprinkle chicken breast, onion and
pepper over crust. Top with cheese and bake for 10 to 12
minutes, or until cheese is melted.

Yield: Approx. 4 Servings


   v v v v v

   South Africans learned about sex toys and
pole-dancing at the first sex fair ever held
   in the country, which was founded by Puritans
and is still home to many sexual taboos.

The Top 16 Attractions at a Sex Fair

16> The House of Whores

15> Horn Dogs

14> The Really, Really, Really, REALLY Fun House

13> Heavy Petting Zoo

12> The Fetish Wheel

11> Them Ain't Moles You're Whacking!

10> Dunk Skank

9> Deep-Fried Viagra on a Stick

8> Tunnel of Hot, Sweaty, Car-Alarm-Triggering, Trapeze-Bending,
   Monkey Sex

7> Humper Cars

6> House of Ceiling Mirrors

5> Spinning D-Cups

4> "The Zipper? I'm afraid it's still down."

3> Mary-Go-Down

2> Guy-Eating Contest

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Attraction at a Sex Fair...

1> The Two-Bearded Lady


   v v v v v





Click here: Top Ten Niche Search Engines You Might Not
Know About - Top Ten Niche Search Engines
   http://clk.about.com/?zi=18/16t&sdn=home&cdn=compute&tm=6&gps=47_28
1_0_0&f=00&tt=20&bt=0&bts=0&zu=http%3A//websearch.about.com
/od/enginesanddirectories/tp/nichesearch.htm
   Looking for a new search engine? There are literally hundreds of really great
niche search engines on the Internet that focus on specific topics: images,
jobs, blogs, etc. You can find all sorts of great stuff using these alternative search
engines that you might not be able to find on the more well-known search engines;
plus, many of these niche search engines have really interesting features that are fun
to play with. Here are my picks for the top ten alternative/niche
search engines out there on the Web.



   v v v v v


We should limit congressmen to two terms: one in Congress, one in prison.

   v v v v v

Top Ten Signs Your Team Isn't Going To Win The World Series

10. Team falls behind during the National Anthem

9. You're leading the league in bypasses

8. Arrive in Anaheim ? game is in Philadelphia

7. Team is on Letterman parallel parking

6. Clubhouse pep-talk from Larry David has left team nervous
and insecure

5. Only pre-game stretching comes in the form of a "wide bathroom stance"

4. Players frequently miss at-bats because they're in line for beer

3. Your first baseman is actually named "Who" (Just think of
the confusion)

2. Insert New York Mets joke here

1. Manager leaves after seventh inning to beat the traffic

   v v v v v





Click here: Blood Pressure Pills can Raise Diabetes Risk
   http://www.lifescript.com/channels/healthy_living/Health_Conditions/blood
_pressure_pills_can_raise_diabetes_risk.asp?utm_campaign=2007-05-04&u
tm_source=living-with-diabetes&utm_medium=email&u
tm_content=tip-of-day_blood-pressure-pills-can-rais
   Taking some hypertension medications can raise an adult's risk of developing type
2 diabetes, according to a troubling Harvard Medical School study.

Click here: Top 10 Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs) That Should Be On Your Radar
   http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/%5DsY
   STDs are some of the most difficult diseases in the world to catch. You
have to be up close and personal to spread them. Why, then, are they so common?
Because people don't know how to treat, prevent, and avoid them. An STD is any
disease that is spread primarily by sexual contact. In other words, one partner
transmits the disease-causing organism to the other partner during sex (oral/vaginal/anal/etc.).
Not all diseases that affect the sex organs are sexually transmitted. Some are
not at all connected with sex. Other diseases are simply sexually associated.

Click here: Toothbrushes - Which Toothbrush is Better - Manual or Electric?
   http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/%5Dsa
   With all the bells and whistles and hundreds of toothbrushes on the market,
you've got to wonder, which is really the best toothbrush to buy - manual or electric?
According to the Academy of General Dentistry, the best toothbrush that you can
buy is the one that you will actually use. That's it. Yes, it's really that simple. While
both electric and manual toothbrushes have some pros and cons, the bottom line is
which one you will use. The American Dental Association recommends brushing
your teeth at least twice a day for two minutes. If you're not sure which type of toothbrush
you would use the most, I have provided some pros and cons of both:



   v v v v v

"CBS premiers its new shows tonight. On the "Ghost Whisperer,"
Jennifer Love-Hewitt plays a sexy ghost who solves crimes with her
enormous, uh, friends. Between Jennifer Love-Hewitt and Drew Carey,
CBS has got the biggest boobs on television"

Craig Ferguson



   v v v v v

"After he left the United States last week, the Iranian president
met with the president of Venezuela. You know, if we could have
just gotten Kim Jong-Il down there we could have had the first
ever nut ball trifecta"

Jay Leno

   v v v v v







Scariest Democrat
http://www.gop.com/Net/ScariestDemocrat/

*submitted by*
Guffy Baby
2008
http://jokelibrary.net/yyPictures/m/2008b.html

   v v v v v

Three little boys were bragging about how tough they were.

"I'm so tough," said the first boy, "that I can wear out a pair
of shoes in a week."

"Well," said the second little boy, "I'm so tough, I can wear out
a pair of jeans in a day."

"That's nothing," said the third boy. "When my parents take me to
see my grandma and grandpa, I can wear them out in a hour."

   v v v v v

At his request, each morning three-year-old Ray's mother pinned
a bath towel to the back shoulders of his size two T-shirt.

Immediately in his young imaginative mind the towel became a
brilliant magic blue and red cape.

And he became Superman.

Outfitted each day in his "cape," Ray's days were packed with
adventure and daring escapades. He was Superman.

This fact was clearly pointed out last fall when his mother enrolled
him in kindergarten class. During the course of the interview,
the teacher asked Ray his name.

"Superman," he answered politely and without pause.

The teacher smiled, cast an appreciative glance at his mother,
and asked again, "Your real name, please."

Again, Ray answered, "Superman."

Realizing the situation demanded more authority, or maybe to hide
amusement, the teacher closed her eyes for a moment, then in a
voice quite stern, said, "I will have to have your real name for
the records."

Sensing he'd have to play straight with the teacher, Ray slid his
eyes around the room, hunched closer to her, and patting a corner
of frayed towel at his shoulder, answered in a voice hushed with
conspiracy, "Clark Kent."

   v v v v v





Shiny Mama Cosmetics
http://www.shinymamabeauty.com/
Pretty, shiny stuff girls love!

Life Transitions - Women Starting Over & Changing Lives
http://womensissues.about.com/od/startingover/Starting_Over_and_Life_Transitions.htm
The cyclical nature of women's lives means that we'll all face periods of
transition and change. The chance to begin again or follow a different path is
something more and more women are embracing - or talking about doing.



   v v v v v

Prostitutes in the Brazilian city of Salvador
are starting up their own radio station.
The Association of Prostitutes of Bahia state has
won government permission for the project and their
FM station will start broadcasting later this year.

TopFive would like to suggest a few songs for their playlist...

The Top 15 Songs Played on WHOR
(X-rated)

1. She Jerks Hard for the Money
2. Willie and the Hand Job
3. Sheena Is a Cock Sucker
4. Money for Fuckin'
5. 50 Ways to Qweef Your Lover
6. Come Together (But I'll Have to Charge You Both)
7. Pussy Lane
8. Take This Knob And Shove It
9. Where the Sheets Have No Stains
10. Skank, You Are Letting Me Beat Myself Off
11. Slurp John's PP
12. Don't Cum in My Rear No More
13. Cock Around the Clock
14. Spew! Light Up My Life!

and the Number 1 Song Played on WHOR...

15. Don't!! It Makes My Brown Eye Blue!

v v v v v






Mens Fashion - Grooming, Style and Fashion for Men
http://mensfashion.about.com/
Men's sport coats and blazers have become a wardrobe staple now
more than ever. Guys are wearing sport coats with jeans in lieu of other
outerwear, and I personally love the look. Blazers, sport coats and any
variation of a suit jacket make a guy look put together. It's always a good
choice. Here are a few of my top picks for men's sport coats and blazers for
fall '07. Pair a blazer with a polo and a great pair of jeans and you have a
fabulous fall outfit.

Men's Watch Guide - Top Picks in Men's Watches in Different Price Ranges
http://mensfashion.about.com/od/shopping/a/WatchGuide.htm
Everybody has a different concept of what expensive means when it comes to
   items such as watches. I have a friend who thinks anything over $150 is too
   expensive. But then there are guys who think anything above $1,000 is too
expensive. That's why this person has come up with some of his top picks in
watches in different price ranges.



   v v v v v


Is it time for your medication or mine?

v v v v v

*submitted by*
BADVETTE87

A Redneck passed away and left his entire estate
to his beloved widow

but she can't touch it 'til she's 14.

How do you know when you're staying
in a Redneck hotel ?

When you call the front desk and say,
I gotta leak in my sink, and the
clerk replies, Go ahead.

How can you tell if a redneck is married ?

There's dried tobacco juice on both sides
of his pickup truck.

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum
drinking age for Rednecks to 32 ?

It seems they want to keep alcohol
out of the high schools.

Two reasons why it's so hard to solve a
Redneck murder

1) The DNA is all the same
2) There are no dental records

Who invented the toothbrush ?

A Redneck.
(If it had been invented by anyone else,
it would have been called a teethbrush.)

A State Trooper pulls over a pickup on Highway 16
and says to the driver, "Got any I.D. ?"

and the driver replies "Bout wut?"

Did you hear about the $3 million Redneck Lottery?

The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.

A new Redneck law was just recently passed...

When a couple gets divorced,
they are STILL cousins.

Did you he ar that the Redneck governor's
mansion burned down ?

"Yep. Pert'near took out the whole trailer park,
said the redneck, the library was a total loss too.
Both books went poof . . . up in flames and the
governor hadn't even finished coloring one of them."
.

   v v v v v

Debsnewsletter - Archives
http://www.debsnewsletter.com/archives.shtml

v v v v v

That guy must be the rudest doctor in
the world. I just asked him one simple
little medical question: "What am I
supposed to do with these suppositories?"

v v v v v

A professional treasure hunter was diving for pirate treasure
in an ocean cove. He searched for hours with no luck. Finally he
started toward the shore. When He was about knee deep in the water
he tripped over an old strong box. He scooped it out and opened
it. It was full of gold coins! The Moral: Booty is only shin deep.

v v v v v

   Click here: How to Add an Image to Your Windows Mail
or Outlook Express Signature - About Email
http://clk.about.com/?zi=18/1R4/Wa&sdn=email&cdn=compute&tm=31&gps=261_
361_1193_850&f=00&su=p284.8.150.ip_&tt=14&bt=1&bts=1&zu=http%
3A//email.about.com/cs/oetipstricks/qt/et121503.htm
Once you've mastered HTML formatting in your signature in Windows Mail or
Outlook Express, adding an animation to it is the streusel topping the adding of
which is a piece of cake. All you really need is a nice
animated gif to include in your signature

v v v v v

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he
grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a California freeway.

v v v v v

Young Larry stopped by the corner grocery store and read the
following list to the clerk: 10 pounds sugar at $1.25 a pound 4
pounds coffee at $1.50 a pound 2 pounds butter at $1.10 a pound 2
bars soap at $. 83 each "How much does that come to?" asked Larry.
"Twenty-two dollars and thirty-six cents." "If I gave you three ten
dollar bills, how much change would I get?" said the boy. "Seven
dollars and sixty-four cents," stated the clerk who appeared to
be irritated by all the questions. Larry said, as he disappeared
through the door, "I don't want to buy the items... that's our
arithmetic lesson for tomorrow, and I needed some help with it."

v v v v v

Choosing a Parisian Hotel
   Dummies::Choosing a Parisian Hotel
Choosing a Parisian Hotel
http://www.dummies.com/WileyCDA/DummiesArticle/id-5
167.html?cid=etipArticleLink?cid=articleFeature

Part of the fun of traveling to Paris is waking up in a new place
with unlimited opportunities for exploring! If this is your first
trip to Paris, your expectations about what a hotel room should
look like may be based on what you have seen in your own country.

v v v v v

"A lot of the new shows have the supernatural element about
them. That show the "Reaper", is all about people who sell their
souls to the devil. I liked it better when it was called "The Apprentice".

Craig Ferguson

v v v v v

Joe runs into Brian at the hardware store. "I heard you're dating
Carol lately," says Joe.

Brian replies, "That's right; I am."

Joe asks, "Man, how can you stand to look at her? I'm sorry, Bri,
but that gal is UGLY!"

Brian answers, "That's okay, Buddy! All I
ever see is the top of her head, and she has pretty hair!"

v v v v v

v v v v v

The Top 14 Favorite Movies of Peeping Toms
(X-rated)

1. Harry Peeper and the Tube of Lube
2. Snatch Shot
3. Crouching Peeper, Hidden Whackin'
4. Good Night, and Good Whack
5. Jack/Off
6. A Hairy Palm Companion
7. The Adventures of Wankeroo One-eye
8. The Man Who Shot Jizz Through a Valance
9. Waiting for Muff, Man
10. Jerk Fast at Tiffany
11. 'Tangspotting
12. Please Don't Cum on the Daisies
13. Tool Hand Look

and the Number 1 Favorite Movie of Peeping Toms...

14. Fun with Dick and Jergens

v v v v v

   Click here: Online Games and Gaming News, Previews & Reviews - AOL RED
http://teens.aol.com/games
Games -- and so much more

   Click here: Themagical.nl :: Simulations, choose your game
http://sims.themagical.nl/
You are in control of these Disneyland rides: Tower of Terror, Space Mountain,
Big Thunder Mountain and Phantom Manor.
It's like playing The Sims. You control the gates, the rides, and
do some maintenance if needed.

   Click here: Joytube.com - Trivial Blitz
http://www.joytube.com/trivial-blitz/
This is pretty tough

   Click here: mental_floss Quiz of the Day
http://www.mentalfloss.com/trivia/quizzes/?quiz=3276
   Feeling smart today?

v v v v v

"Over half of Americans polled recently said they believe the
Constitution designates the US as a "Christian nation." Even
more alarming, three quarters of them think the Declaration
of Independence was signed by Matthew, Mark, Luke and John Hancock"

Bob Mills

v v v v v

"Yesterday in Australia, a TV comedian dressed himself up over there
as Osama Bin Laden and got within feet of Bush's hotel. They got
him, and the Bush spokesman said it was obviously not the real
Bin Laden because they caught him"

Bill Maher

v v v v v

PC World - In Pictures: Slick New Cell Phones for Fall
http://www.pcworld.com/article/id,138698/article.html?tk=nl_dgxsld)
New phones for Fall -- I'll stick with the iPhone!

Today @ PC World New Cell Phone Tricks at CTIA
http://blogs.pcworld.com/staffblog/archives/005764.html?tk=nl_dgxblg
How'd you like to grab a document from your PC, edit it on your data-enabled
cell phone, and then save it back to your desktop? What about getting desktop-quality
(almost) web pages on your low-end (i.e. non-smartphone) brow
ser, or sharing restaurant recommendations on the fly--and on the move--with
your buddies? Or calling a friend overseas for free on your cell?
New software and services make it all possible, although sometimes with a few
caveats that may or may not go away in time. Here's some of what has been seen thus
far at CTIA--and how or when you'll be able to use it.


v v v v v

"While we're still fighting the war on terror, airport police must
spend less time on gay sex and more time on bombs. I know how
important it is to keep the streets safe for heterosexuality,
but there are a limited number of things to do during a layover
in St. Paul-and when you cross "anonymous gay sex" off the list,
there's nothing. And airport security isn't helping! I mean, they
have you take off half your clothes. Then they pat you down. Now
you're horny and you've got three hours to kill"

Bill Maher

v v v v v

   In yet another mind-boggling conclusion to a California
celebrity criminal trial, Phil Spector's jury hung 10-2 on
the question of whether he murdered actress Lana Clarkson.

The fact that he had a history of brandishing weapons when
   women chose to leave his presence didn't sway the jury, nor
did his first words after the shooting, "I think I killed
   somebody," which he uttered while holding the murder weapon.

So what DOES it take to convict a celebrity in California?

The Top 16 Ways to Get a Celebrity Convicted in California

16> Don't charge him until he's killed at least TWO wives.

15> Sign her up for a three-incarceration deal, with points off the gross.

14> A criminal offense in Los Angeles? White shoes after Labor Day, baby.

13> The crime: Asking Judge Judy if she's a real judge.

12> Remind jurors that a guilty verdict ensures they won't
be forced to sit through another Ben Stiller movie for at least 10 years.

11> Introduce evidence exhibit A: her poor Q rating.

10> The crime must occur in the Kodak Theater during the Oscars,
and the blood spatter must accidentally hits Spielberg, Hanks or Clooney.

9> Cast Chuck Norris in the role of jury foreman.

8> Slip a note to the jury letting them know a guilty version
will get them alfalfa-sprouts-with-pesto-aioli sandwiches
in their lunch room.

7> Get a change of venue -- to Texas.

6> Murder is one thing, but to get arrested a celeb must do
something truly heinous. Like smoking in a restaurant.

5> Make sure it's NOT the openly racist cop who plants the
evidence, Einstein.

4> Book him for a guest spot on "Law & Order: Celebrity Confessions."

3> "And finally, ladies and gentleman of the jury: Please
note the the defendant's yellow teeth and small, natural breasts."

2> Spread the word that he's switching his party affiliation to Republican.

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Way to Get
a Celebrity Convicted in California...

1> Make sure he's a repulsive caricature of his former talented
self, made creepy and eccentric by vast wealth and fame,
cartoonishly deformed by multiple cosmetic surgeries and
accused of the most heinous crimes against innocent childr--
Er, never mind.

v v v v v

v v v v v

As the three ladies picked up a menu, each put on a
pair of glasses. "I really only need mine for close reading," explained the first.

Remarked the second, "I only use mine when the light is bad."

The third confessed, "I rarely wear mine - except when I want to see."

v v v v v

The Top 20 Books About Nudists

20> The Chronicles of Nudia: The Lyin' Old Witch With No Wardrobe

19> A-Raisin' in the Sun

18> A Thousand Splendid Buns

17> The Scarlet Pecker

16> Atlas Shrugged, Then Dropped His Pants and Joined In

15> The Wind in the Willies

14> A Tree Grows in Brooklyn at an Inopportune Time on the Subway

13> The Brothers Carr Are Massive

12> Warren's Piece

11> Uncomfortable George Rides a Bike

10> White Thang

9> Fear of Clothing in Las Vegas

8> The Great Racksby

7> That Fellow Chip of the Schwing

6> Good Tight Moon

5> The Woman Who Mistook Her Husband for a Hat Rack

4> A Clear and Present Dangler

3> David Cop-a-feel

2> To Kill an Appetite

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Book About Nudists...

1> Shaved New World

v v v v v

An abandoned village in Italy
http://www.abandonedbutnotforgotten.com/an_abandoned_village_in_italy.htm
It isn’t uncommon for people to abandon things. Every day we see things that have been forgotten.
You may see an old shoe on the roadside. And shopping carts are often left in
alleys and vacant lots. You may even encounter an old car.
But how often is a village abandoned? I’ll bet that’s rare.

The World in panoramic - ViewAt.org
http://www.viewat.org/
I bet you’ll be impressed by the quality of these panoramas. I sure was. They’re
also fun to explore. Tools let you scroll around photographs and zoom in for close-ups.
A map shows you where photographs were taken. And you can find information on
the photographers’ tools and techniques. That’s helpful if you aspire to take photos like these.
I doubt I’ll ever tire of looking at photos on other sites. But it will be
difficult for them to match these panoramas. kkomando.com

*submitted by*
ron_stott@yahoo.com
Candy Addict » Top 10 Candy Urban Legends
http://candyaddict.com/blog/top-10-candy-urban-legends/
I bet most of us have heard of a few of these urban legends!

Preezo - Presentations for the Web
http://preezo.com/
Preezo is a free, online alternative to PowerPoint. Because it is Web-based,
you never need to worry about file compatibility. Nor should files ever become
corrupted. And your presentation is accessible everywhere you have an Internet connection.
Preezo is easy to use. You can create presentations in seconds. Power users
may miss PowerPoint's advanced features. But most people will appreciate the simplified controls.
When you finish your presentation, share it with others. With Preezo, you send a link
to the presentation. There are no bulky files to mail! Or, perhaps you want to
embed it in a Web page. That’s spiffy!   kkomando.com

Virtual Programs and Services, Digital Reference Team (Library of Congress)
http://www.loc.gov/rr/program/
The Internet is a vast source of information. Unfortunately, not everything is accurate.
Sometimes you need a little help finding reliable sources. Who can better help you than a librarian?
You don’t need to drive to your local library. Just visit the Library of Congress’ Web site.
You can post a question to the library’s reference staff. You’ll receive an answer via e-mail.
Or, if you don’t want to wait, chat with a librarian. This service is available Monday through Friday,
between 2 p.m. and 4 p.m., Eastern Time. The site also has a virtual reference shelf that
you’ll find handy. It directs you to a plethora of helpful sites.
If you’re a student or have a student in the family, you’ll want to bookmark this site!

v v v v v

The Top 16 Names for Enema Cocktails
(Part II)

16> Tequila Moonrise

15> Bum and Coke

14> Margarectum

13> Poopa Libre

12> Dooty Call

11> Colostopolitan

10> Sex on the Toilet

9> Stooldriver

8> Manshattan

7> Pina Colonic

6> Potato Up the Tailpipe

5> Southern Discomfort

4> Doodie Martini

3> Wipe Rushin'

2> Long Intestine Iced Tea

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Name for an Enema Cocktail...

1> Sloe Comfortable Eewwwww

v v v v v

As I stood at the cash register with my cart full of goods, I suddenly realized
   I was in my underwear and bunny slippers, unshaved and
   rather malodorous, and people around me were whispering
   and snickering. I guess I do WAY too much shopping online.

v v v v v

Dummies::Make It Mexican: Tequila, Sangria, and Beer
http://www.dummies.com/WileyCDA/DummiesArticle/id-1072.html
The only thing that sounds like more fun than eating Mexican food is drinking
Mexican drinks. Mexican beers, margaritas, and tequilas are so popular that
they are the gateway for many people to tasting Mexican food for the first time.
After you've munched on chips and salsa at a couple of parties, why not take
the leap to tamales and empanadas, or to cactus salad, the next time you're
looking for an accompaniment to that ice chest of Mexican beers?

Car Insurance Comparison
http://www.car-insurance-comparison.org/articles/auto-accident.php
My condolences to all of you beer drinkers!

v v v v v

*submitted by*
SHAYNABUTTONS

A city fellow had just moved out to the country and decided that he
needed some animals, so he decided to walkup and down his road to see
what his neighbors had. The first farm he came across had a bunch of
chickens running in the yard. "Say farmer" the man yells, "Would you
be willing to sell me one of your chickens?"

The farmer replies, "Sure, but around here we don't call 'em chickens,
we call 'em pullets".

The man thanks the farmer for the advice and picks up the pullet and
continues on down the road until he comes to the next farm where the
yard is full of roosters. "Say farmer", yells the man, "Would you be
willing to sell me one of your roosters?"

"Sure", says the farmer, "but around here we don't call 'em roosters,
we call 'em cocks".

The man thanks the farmer and puts the cock under his other arm and
continues walking down the road. He soon spots a farm with a herd of
donkeys. "I could use one of those", he says. "Hey farmer", he yells
"Would you be willing to sell me one of your donkeys?"

"Sure", says the farmer "but around here we call them asses".

The man takes the ass and starts leading him away when the farmer
yells, "Hey,sonny, that ass is a little persnickety. If he decides
to sit down all you have to do to get him up again is scratch him
behind his left ear." Thanking the farmer yet again the man decides
to head for home with his animals. On the way the ass decided to sit
down. The man was in a bit of trouble, he had his pullet under one
arm and his cock under the other. If he put one down it would surely
wander off.

Now it just so happened that a nun was just walking over the hill.
The farmer, spying her, quickly ran up to her. "Excuse me miss," he
said. "Would you hold my cock and pullet while I scratch my ass?"

v v v v v

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ROASTED ONION SOUP

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

INGREDIENTS:
1/4 cup fresh Parmesan cheese, grated
3 Spanish onions, cut in half lengthwise and thinly sliced
1/4 cup brandy
1 tablespoon fresh thyme, chopped
1/4 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
1 garlic head, large, cloves separated, peeled and cut in half
4 cups low-sodium chicken broth
2 teaspoons olive oil (preferably extra-virgin olive oil)
1/4 teaspoon salt, or to taste
3 large shallots, cut in half lengthwise and thinly sliced

DIRECTIONS:
Set oven rack at the lowest level; preheat to 450 degrees.
Combine onions, shallots, garlic and oil in a large shallow
roasting pan. Roast for 20 to 25 minutes, stirring every 5
minutes, or until the onions are golden. Remove from oven and
pour in one-fourth of the chicken stock. Stir liquid in the
pan, scraping the bottom to loosen and dissolve any caramelized
bits. (The liquid will become quite dark.) Transfer the onion
mixture to a soup pot and add brandy, thyme and the remaining
chicken stock. Bring to a boil; reduce heat to low and simmer,
covered, for 30 minutes. Season with salt and pepper and top
with Parmesan cheese.

Yield: approx 4 Servings

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Bill's friend Harry was out of town on a "business trip" and
spied a B-girl in the bar lounge of his hotel. Ever the suave one,
Harry sidles up to her and says in his absolutely perfect grammar,
"Hi, gorgeous, how about it? Let's you and me go up my room for
a whisky and sofa."

The gal smiles at his wit and replies, "Have
you taken a good look at yourself in the mirror lately? If I went
upstairs with you, it'd be only for a gin and platonic."

v v v v v

Did you hear about the soldier who dreamed he was getting out
of the Army?

Yeah, he woke up with his discharge in his hand.

v v v v v

by deb

The Wednesday Letters
by Jason F. Wright

"Jack and Laurel have been married for 39 years. They've lived a good life and appear
to have had the perfect marriage. With his wife cradled in his arms, and before Jack
takes his last breath, he scribbles his last "Wednesday Letter." When their adult
children arrive to arrange the funeral, they discover boxes and boxes full of love letters
that their father wrote to their mother each week on Wednesday. As they begin to
open and read the letters, the children uncover the shocking truth about the past. In addition,
each one must deal with the present-day challenges. Matthew has a troubled marriage,
Samantha is a single mother, and Malcolm is the black sheep of the family who has
returned home after a mysterious two-year absence. The Wednesday Letters has
a powerful message about forgiveness and quietly beckons for
readers to start writing their own "Wednesday Letters."

I saw a clip on The Glenn Beck Show (he's my hero) on CNN where he had the author
of this book on his show. He raved about the book so I bought it and now I am raving about it
too. You won't regret reading this book!

v v v v v

There were three American pilots captured by Germans in WWII.
The Germans thought up a way to make the pilots crack and tell
what they knew. They made them stand at attention, turn their
heads from side to side and say, "Tick - Tock", over and over.

After about three hours, one of the pilots cracked and started
telling all he knew, signing everything they put in front of him.

An hour later, the second pilot cracked and started confessing
to things that he didn't even do.

The third pilot was fighting hard not to crack. He was about
half-way cracked. He was turning his head to one side only
and saying, "Tick...Tick.. Tick..."

The German officer in charge went up to him and said, "You
thinks you iss so schmart! But I'm telling you that vee haf
vays to make you TOCK!"

v v v v v

   Click here: Dummies::Giving Spyware the Boot
http://www.dummies.com/WileyCDA/DummiesArticle/id-371
1.html?cid=etipArticleLink?cid=articleFeature
Not even James Bond could bring any glamour to the nastiness of spyware, which
is a software program that installs itself (without your knowledge) on your computer.
After it's installed, the software collects information about you, and when you're
online it sends the information to the spyware program's owner.
Most spyware fits into either of two categories:
Surveillance spyware - Advertising spyware

v v v v v

   The Top 7 Other Reasons to Find Cash You
   Didn't Know You Had in Your Wallet/Purse

7> Tooth fairy left it there after most of your teeth were
knocked out in a bar fight.

6> No idea. Maybe it'll come to you while you're trying to figure
out this whole duct-tape-and-Mexican-stop-sign situation.

5> Your check from the gentleman banker in Ghana must have cleared.

4> Well, technically it's only been *your* wallet for a few
seconds. That guy chasing you probably knows, though.

3> Aye, 'tis the Levi Leprechauns!

2> Because your short term memory is starting to...COOL! There's a
ten I didn't know I had!...term memory is starting to...

and the Number 1 Other Reason
   to Find Cash You Didn't Know
   You Had in Your Wallet/Purse...

1> It turns out someone's embroidered the words "wishing well" on
the back of your Haggar Stretch-2-Fits.

v v v v v

My friend was always teasing me about cybersex And trying to lead me on.

One day he wrote me a really racy letter so I Decided to "call his bluff".

Forgetting I'd deleted his letter out of habit, I accidentally
responded to my Recipe Du Jour List instead and wrote: "Thanks
a lot. Now I can't get any work done. My panties are Wet from
the anticipation of your next email."

A gentleman wrote back: "Sorry, I didn't realize Salsa had such an effect."

v v v v v

   Click here: Double Blueberry Muffins and more delicious recipes,
smart cooking tips, and video demonstrations on marthastewart
http://www.marthastewart.com/portal/site/mslo/menuitem.fc77a0dbc44dd161
1e3bf410b5900aa0/?vgnextoid=e9d8d3deb6a0f010VgnVCM1000003d370a0aRCRD

   Click here: Chicken with Apples and Cider Sauce Recipe
http://www.lifescript.com/articles/5986.asp?BID=42311&SID=17053750&EID=
6108AB9D-21FB-40F3-89FA-FF1083EB2DCB&utm_campaign=2007-07-01&utm
_source=healthy-advantage&utm_medium=email&utm_content
=todays-headlines_chicken-with-apples-and
   Sounds yummy

   Click here: Outdoor Charcoal Grilling - How to Cook
on a Charcoal Grill Video - About.com
http://video.about.com/bbq/Outdoor-Charcoal-Grilling-Tips.htm
Cooking outdoors over an open flame is a great way to infuse meats and
vegetables with loads of delicious flavor. Take this step-by-step tour
to see just how easy and fun grilling can be

v v v v v

If Hil wins the White House in 2008, she'll not
only be the first woman President, she'll be the
first mother President, although some of the men
who preceded her *have* been referred to as a
mother... But usually only by comedians on cable.

   The Top 9 Differences with a Mom in the White House

9> Entire nation will have to wear sweaters when she's cold.

8> Diplomatic agendas will include lots of hugging.

7> She goes on a tear about the kids' messy room and takes her
anger out on Syria.

6> Rude reporters at press conferences are made to stand in the corner.

5> All vegetables will be eaten at state dinners before anyone gets dessert.

4> All that unfinished food on dinner plates really *will* go to
starving people in Asia.

3> The change of administrations leads to a giant yard sale on
the White House lawn.

2> When the boys wants to play with soldiers, you bring in the
5th Army.

and the Number 1 Difference with a Mom in the White House...

1> Stretch marks are now a priority topic for government medical
research funds.

v v v v v


A young preacher was serving as a volunteer chaplain at a large
nursing home. He had never performed a wedding and thought he
should ask an older preacher what to do in case he forgot during
the wedding ceremony.

He was advised, "Just start quoting Scripture until something
comes to you."

Soon the young preacher was called to perform the wedding ceremony
for a widow and widower in the nursing home.

Right about the middle of the ceremony, he forgot what to say
next. Remembering the advice of the older preacher, he started
quoting Scripture.

However, the only Scripture he could remember was, "Father,
forgive them for they know not what they do."

v v v v v




   Click here: » Can Mac users rely on Apple to protect them
from security threats? | Hardware 2.0 | ZDNet.com
http://ct.zdnet.com/clicks?t=39273650-806f0115a755e77dbd661609f3a0db00-bf&s=5&fs=0
Adrian Kingsley-Hughes - Gear for Geeks

   Can Mac users rely on Apple to protect them from security threats?
An anonymous Info Sec researcher claims to have developed a fully automated
and ready to use Mac OS X worm. How long can Mac users rely
on Apple to protect them from security threats?

The Apple Store (U.S.) - Mac OS X v10.5 Leopard
http://store.apple.com/1-800-MY-APPLE/WebObjects/AppleStore.woa/
wa/RSLID?cid=AOS-AM-113895-C0003995-A10000085157
&nnmm=browse&node=home&nplm=MB021Z/A

v v v v v

"New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick has been fined a
half million dollars for spying on other teams and stealing their
signals. He says he thought it was legal under the "Patriots Act."

Jim Barach

v v v v v

"Sen. Larry Craig didn't get back to Congress on time this week. His
colleagues thought his flight was late, but it turns out he was
just stalling"

Paul Benoit

v v v v v

"President Bush addressed the nation last night on this troop
situation in Iraq. He said the best method, he believes, is a
limited pullout. I don't know. Guys? Guys, that ever work for
you? A limited pullout?"

Jay Leno

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Scared stiff!
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Janet knows....
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Get all you can!
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A pain in the ass...
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A full set!!
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Women Vs KFC
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Two Faced Bitch
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"Undo"?
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...you got drunk &....
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v v v v v



Rockin' and Rollin' makes no endorsement or warranty, expressed or implied, with regard
to featured products or services. Results may vary based on operating
systems and other variables beyond our control

v v v v v

Another issue on it's way to YOU! and another one already in the making! So meet us back
here next week, same time - same place

but remember, no matter where you are or what you are doing,
never,
ever,
EVER
forget to

keep on rockin'
it's a state of mind

v v v v v

©1999 - 2007 - Deborah Austin - All rights reserved and held by Rockin' and Rollin'

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