Editor:  DebsSweet
Graphic Editors:  Guysbabi, Ditziexx, LuvintheCountry,
  CrispySue, kittykab
Children's Book Editor:  Amanda260
Internet Security Editor:  DebsSweet







HYPERLINK HELL


You will no doubt notice that some of the hyperlinks on my page can't
be clicked on - instead you will have to cut and paste.  Yes, I
know - what a pain.  I am working on this as we speak. 

Baby boomers are heading for a shock as they hit retirement: vanishing pensions
and inadequate 401(k) savings. What can be done?
Find out in the SURFIN area below

If you likes cruises then you just have to check out the VACATION section - lots
of crazy and fun cruises out there!!

Be careful when surfing the Internet.  I have checked EACH link submitted to you and they are in working
order as of this posting.  Always be aware of the risks out there and keep current with your
anti-virus and adware removal software!

If you would like to SIGN UP or BE REMOVED (sure, remove yourself, break my heart
and force me into therapy for life) from this mailing list, please send an email
to me, deb@debsnewsletter.com and your request will be handled promptly.

Kick up your feet and put your problems behind you cause darlin' it's time to ROCK AND ROLL!

and don't  forget to buckle your seatbelts, cause it's going to be a wild ride! 









"I look forward to it every
Monday. It's interesting, funny and informative. Thank-you. Juliann"
ItsMeJuliann@comcast.net



v v v v v



I decided to make my fortune by writing the ultimate
love song -- a metaphor for the pain of lost love. But the record
        companies just didn't go for "Pencil in My Urethra" the way I thought they would.



v v v v v



Letter from Maricopa County Public Defender


First, let me say I love my job and it is a privilege to work
for my clients. I wish I could do more for them. That being said,
there are a few things that need to be discussed.

You have the right to remain silent. So SHUT THE FUCK UP. Those
cops are completely serious when they say your statements can and
will be used against you. There's just no need to babble on like
it's a drink and dial session. They are just pretending to like
you and be interested in you.

When you come to court, consider your dress. If you're charged with
a DUI, don't wear a Budweiser shirt. If you have some miscellaneous
drug charge, think twice about clothing with a marijuana leaf on
it or a t-shirt with the "UniBonger" on it. Long sleeves are very
nice for covering tattoos and track marks. Try not to be visibly
drunk when you show up.

Consider bathing and brushing your teeth. This is just as a
courtesy to me who has to stand next to you in court. Smoking 5
generic cigarettes to cover up your bad breath is not the same
as brushing.  Try not to cough and spit on me while you speak and
further transmit your strep, flu, and hepatitis A through Z.

I'm a lawyer, not your fairy godmother. I probably won't find a
loophole or technicality for you, so don't be pissed off. I didn't
beat up your girlfriend, steal that car, rob that liquor store,
sell that crystal meth, or rape that 13 year old. By the time we
meet, much of your fate has been sealed, so don't be too surprised
by your limited options and that I'm the one telling you about them.

Don't think you'll improve my interest in your case by yelling at
me, telling me I'm not doing anything for you, calling me a public
pretender or complaining to my supervisor. This does not inspire
me, it makes me hate you and want to work with you even less.

It does not help if you leave me nine messages in 17 minutes.
Especially if you leave them all on Saturday night and early Sunday
morning. This just makes me want to stab you in the eye when we
finally meet.

For the guys: Don't think I'm amused when you flirt or offer to
"do me." You can't successfully rob a convenience store, forge
a signature, pawn stolen merchandise, get through a day without
drinking, control your temper, or talk your way out of a routine
traffic stop. I figure your performance in other areas is just as
spectacular, and the thought of your shriveled unwashed body near
me makes me want to kill you and then myself.

For the girls: I know your life is rougher than mine and you have no
resources. I'm not going to insult you by suggesting you leave your
abusive pimp/boyfriend, that you stop taking meth, or that your stop
stealing shit. I do wish you'd stop beating the crap out of your
kids and leaving your needles out for them to play with because you
aren't allowing them to have a life that is any better than yours.

For the morons: Your second grade teacher was right - neatness
counts. Just clean up! When you rob the store, don't leave your
wallet.  When you drive into the front of the bank, don't leave
the front license plate. When you rape/assault/rob a woman on the
street, don't leave behind your cell phone. After you abuse your
girlfriend, don't leave a note saying that you're sorry.

If you are being chased by the cops and you have dope in your pocket
- dump it. These cops are not geniuses. They are out of shape and
want to go to Krispy Kreme and most of all go home. They will not
scour the woods or the streets for your 2 grams of meth. But they
will check your pockets, idiot. 2 grams is not worth six months
of jail.

Don't be offended and say you were harassed because the security
was following you all over the store. Girl, you were wearing
an electronic ankle bracelet with your mini skirt. And you were
stealing.  That's not harassment, that's good store security.

And those kids you churn out: how is it possible? You're out
there breeding like feral cats. What exactly is the attraction
of having sex with other meth addicts? You are lacking in the
most basic aspects of hygiene, deathly pale, greasy, grey-toothed,
twitchy and covered with open sores. How can you be having sex? You
make my baby-whoring crack head clients look positively radiant
by comparison.

"I didn't put it all the way in." Not a defense.

"All the money is gone now." Not a defense

"The bitch deserved it." Not a defense.

"But that dope was so stepped on, I barely got high." Not a defense.

"She didn't look thirteen." Possibly a defense; it depends.

"She didn't look six." Never a defense, you just need to die.

For those rare clients that say thank-you, leave a voice mail,
send a card or flowers, you are very welcome. I keep them all,
and they keep me going more than my pitiful COLA increase.

For the idiots who ask me how I sleep at night: I sleep just fine,
thank you. There's nothing wrong with any of my clients that could
not have been fixed with money or the presence of at least one
caring adult in their lives. But that window has closed, and that
loss diminishes us all.



v v v v v

 


   Click here: Debsnewsletter - Archives
  http://www.debsnewsletter.com/archives.shtml



v v v v v



How The Wizard of Oz Would Be Different If It Were Made Today


Grizzly scene in which Dorothy blasts flying monkeys out of the
sky with an Uzi

"Katie bar the door! There's a giant asteroid headed straight for Oz!"

Dorothy steps outside and says, "Like, this is so not Kansas!"

Instead of "oil," tin man moans, "Viagra."

Kathie Lee Gifford plays Dorothy -- audience roots for witch

It would be named "Twister II"

To prepare for his role as the Scarecrow, DeNiro would actually
have his brain removed

Loveable dog Toto replaced by loveable droid T.O.T.O.

"Lions and tigers and bears, oh fuck!"

New title -- "Wiz Got Game" !



v v v v v



The Pope arrives in heaven, where St. Peter awaites him. St. Peter
asks who he is.

The Pope: "I am the pope."

St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book."

The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth."

St.Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me..."

The Pope: "But I am the leader of the Catholic Church..."

St. Peter: "The Catholic church...Never heard of it... Wait,
I'll check with the boss."

St. Peter walks away through Heaven's Gate to talk with God.

St. Peter: "There's a dude standing outside who claims he's your
representative on earth."

God: "I don't have a representative on earth, not that I know of...
Wait, I'll ask Jesus." (yells for Jesus)

Jesus: "Yes father, what's up?"

God and St. Peter explain the situation.

Jesus: "Wait, I'll go outside and have a little chat with that fellow."

Ten minutes pass and Jesus reenters the room laughing out
loud. After a few minutes St. Peter asks Jesus why he's laughing.

Jesus: "Remember that fishing club I've started 2000 years ago? It
still exists!"



v v v v v









v v v v v



It was rush hour, and when the bus finally arrived, it was packed. I
tried to force my way on, but no one would budge, although there
was ample room in the back. Then the bus driver took over.

"Excuse me, Ladies and Gentlemen," he shouted. "Will all the
beautiful, smart people please move to the back of the bus, and
all the ugly stupid people stay up front?"



v v v v v



A blind man, deaf man and a lame man went on a pilgrimage to a
healing spring. The blind man washed his eyes with water from the
spring and exclaimed "I can see! I can see!"

The deaf man washed his ears with the spring water and exclaimed

"I can hear! I can hear!"

The lame man drove his wheelchair into the water and out the other
side yelling "I got new tires! I got new tires!"



v v v v v






  Click here: Windows Vista Wallpapers
http://glclk.about.com/?zi=5/3Pl6
Hamad Darwish is the photographer Microsoft hired to shoot photos that later
became the Vista Wallpaper Collection. At his personal Web site, Hamad has released
photos that didn't make the cut. If you're interested in finding a new background
for your desktop - whether you use Vista or XP - head over to Hamad's site
and grab some great wallpapers.



v v v v v



Top 12 Nudist Pickup Lines


"Hey, is that a roll of quarters in... er, never mind. That's not
a pocket, is it? "

"Oh, look! Somebody must have dropped a $20 bill there on the
ground in front of you! "

"Hey, Tan Lines, new around here? "

"Ever seen a guy do no-handed pushups? "

"Excuse me, were those Bugle Boy jeans? "

"Nice melanoma! "

"My other penis is a Porsche. "

"Damn, you'd look great in a wet T-shirt. "

"Boy, I'd sure like to get into *YOUR* pants! Figuratively speaking,
of course... "

"Did you just wake up or are you glad to see me? "

"Did I mention that I'm President of the United States? "

and the Number 1 Nudist Pickup Line...

"I see where Joe Camel gets his good looks! "



v v v v v



One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated
concept. A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask "Why do we
have to study this stuff?"

"To save lives," the professor responded and continued with the lecture.

A few minutes later the same student spoke up again. "So, how does
physics save lives?" he persisted.

"It keeps the ignoramuses out of medical school," replied the professor



v v v v v







  Click here: La Cañada Valley Sun: La Cañada Flintridge, California
http://www.lacanadaonline.com/articles/2007/07/26/news/lnws-cellphones726.txt
  With an abundance of donated cell phones on hand, volunteers working with the
Crescenta Valley Sheriff's Station announced this week that all members of the public
are eligible to receive one that has been programmed to automatically
dial for emergency assistance
   
   
    First iPhone Hack Reported
  by Brandon Dimmel
Infopackets Gazette


There are two types of people in tech: those who craft it, and those who hack it.

Apple and its loyal customers (who braved long lines to get their hands on
the device) have had weeks to enjoy the rosy glow emitted by the iPhone.
Now, it's the mischievous hacker's turn to enjoy the media spotlight, as
word comes that a hole exists in the defenses of Apple's communicator....


... Click to read the rest of the article (and our most recent articles) online:

http://go.infopackets.com/e20070727-16
 


v v v v v



"A group of investors announced they plan on opening a hotel
in space. A weekend stay will cost $4 million. It will cost you
another million to eat a Snickers from the mini bar."



Conan O'Brien



v v v v v



  Click here: Take the plunge - Luxury Travel - MSNBC.com
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/17009911/
What’s sexier than a honeymoon suite? A honeymoon suite with a private plunge pool.
Here are some of our favorite resorts around the globe where the two of you can
dive into total privacy. Skinny-dipping, anyone?

  Click here: Swiss serious about tourism, report shows - Europe - MSNBC.com
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/17400593/
  European neighbors Switzerland, Austria and Germany top a list of countries offering the
best environments for developing travel and tourism, followed by Iceland and the
United States, an international study said on Thursday.
Hong Kong and Singapore rank highest in Asia, and sixth and eighth respectively overall,
according to the World Economic Forum’s competitiveness report which evaluated 124 countries.

  Click here: World’s wackiest cruises - Cruise Vacations - MSNBC.com
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/17363848/
You're stretched out in a chair as your ship speeds toward a distant outpost, nothing
beyond the bow but empty space. You see a man with a red polyester shirt, a woman
in a short dress, both sporting matching upside-down V's. You move to another
deck, where another man-this one with pointed ears-wants to discuss the dangers of the
Klingons. Someone shouts, "Beam me up, Scotty!" This is no spaceship, but a large
cruise vessel sailing through the Caribbean. Welcome to the world of theme cruises.



  v v v v v



Two drunk blondes are stumbling home one night. One of the girls
has to take a walk to the bushes and stumbles off into a field.

After quite sometime the girl waiting goes looking for the other
girl. She finds her with a horse giving him a handjob. When she
asked her what she was doing, she replied,

"Hang on I think I might be able to get us a ride home."



v v v v v



 
I was at a nude beach once and saw a man
with a monstrous penis parading it around
as if it were a prize-winning show dog.
It was kind of creepy, to be honest,
especially when the judges made him trot.
  (Ron Arol)

I woke up this morning to discover blood
in my stools. Well, that's the last
time Sabien's Furniture Mart invoices
supplies from that voodoo carpenter.
  (Mark D. Sabien)

I miss HBO's "Deadwood." Without the show
on the air, it's much more difficult to
work the word "cocksucker" into casual
conversation around the water cooler.
  (Jenn McNanna)
 
The Valentine's Day card said it all: that her
love made me feel at peace, light on my feet
and content to the depths of my being. Though I
probably should have stopped the analogy before
"... like the serenity of shedding a good dump."
  (Mark D. Sabien)
 
I just found out the hard way that the
air travel ban on fluids over three
ounces does not apply to testicles.
And according to the expertise of
the disgusted TSA official, mine only
held about an ounce and half anyway.
  (Fazer)

To be honest, it was hard to tell whether
the hooker's comment about disliking
blowjobs was serious or cock-in-cheek.
  (Mark D. Sabien)



v v v v v



*submitted by*
jacksinfla@earthlink.net



Proper Job Placement... Methods from Human Resources


1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.

2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door.

3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.

4. Then analyze the situation:


     a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Department.

     b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.

     c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering.

     d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.

     e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.

     f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.

     g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.

     h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.

     i. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking
for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.

     j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Management.

     k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.

     l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been
moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management.


     Finally,


   m. If they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they
can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Congress.



v v v v v





 
  Click here: Super Jigsaw Retro
http://www.gamehouse.com/gamedetails/?game=jigsawretr&navpage=downloadgames&utm_source=gamehouse-house&utm_medium=email&utm_content=2007-04-12_link7&utm_campaign=newsletter_2007-04-12
Turn back the clock with this nostalgic collection of jigsaws. Assemble 50 color and
black and white puzzles and remember the good old days with an assortment of photos
from the family album. With more than 500 pieces, your choice of shapes, piece
rotation, and more, the possibilities are endless. Relaxing, funny, and full of family fun, Super
Jigsaw Retro is a wonderful trip down memory lane.

  Click here: colortest
http://rs6.net/tn.jsp?t=siybo6bab.0.48f9w5bab.usova9bab.157&ts=S0241
&p=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.fireworkspop.com%2Fcolortest.htm
There are 8 screens - and on each screen you are given a word and two buttons to
choose from -- Select the COLOR of the word - not the word!  OH, and you
only have 4 seconds per screen!  Sound easy?  Try it

  Click here: Word Shoot: Spell Fast or Die!
http://cognitivelabs.com/word_shoot.htm
Type the Word next to Your Enemies
  as Fast as You Can. Sure beats typing tutor games to make you faster!
Be Fast or Die.  Fun fun!!

v v v v v



           The Top 9 Advantages of a Non-Pedigreed Dog           


9> Your wife enjoys the fact that young women have stopped
    hitting on you at the park during evening walks.

8> Plays fetch even when you forget to disinfect the frisbee.

7> Travel budget slashed by 50% by not having to go to Westminster.

6> She'll let you enjoy your soft white cheese with a Merlot
    without a haughty public display of spiteful genital licking.

5> Doesn't wear her O-school collar to the dog park.

4> You get to play fetch with him, not the lowest ranking member
    of his entourage.

3> No papers = no paper trail. Right Mr. Vick?

2> Without AKC documentation to the contrary, who is the IRS to
    say that Rover Jenkins *isn't* your legitimate dependent?


    and the Number 1 Advantage of a Non-Pedigreed Dog...


1> Easily repaired with discount foreign parts.



v v v v v

v v v v v



At a posh Manhattan dinner party, a Latin American visitor was
telling the guests about this home country and himself. As he
concluded, he said, "And I have a charming and understanding wife
but, alas, no children."

As his listeners appeared to be waiting for him to continue,
he said, haltingly, "You see, my wife is unbearable."

Puzzled glances prompted him to try to clarify the matter: "What
I mean is, my wife is inconceivable."

As his companions seemed amused, he floundered deeper into the
intricacies of the English language, explaining triumphantly,
"That is, my wife, she is impregnable!"



v v v v v



*submitted by*
WMBAAS


Handle every situation like a dog

If you can't Eat it or Screw it,
Piss on it and Walk Away.



v v v v v



A long run of good luck is a sure sign of bad luck.



v v v v v







What is ROM?
 
  Have you ever wondered what ROM is? It's easy to get RAM and ROM confused, but they
are very different. ROM stands for Read Only Memory.

  Basically, ROM is the memory your computer uses to get the instructions it needs to boot
up every time you hit that power button. ROM goes to work even before all of your system's
software loads up completely. ROM also works closely with the BIOS or Basic Input/Output System.
  While ROM is mainly related to computers, it is also used in most electronic devices like
flash drives and various music players.

  Erin
worldstart.com



v v v v v



I have to admit...boaters are friendly people as a rule.
On Saturday my boating partner and usual co-conspirator, Mason,
had brought along a package of El Cheapo cigars to smoke while
we enjoyed the day's sailing. Unfortunately, nobody remembered to
bring any matches or a lighter and by the time we discovered this
we were already a couple miles out on the lake and were not about
to turn back.

By the time afternoon rolled around we were north of Navy Pier
and found a stretch of beach where boaters like to congregate,
drop anchor, sun bathe, swim, drink beer and generally hang out
in the company of other boaters and feel fraternal.

So we dropped anchor to do the same and my first order of business
was to put on my life vest and start swimming around to the
neighboring boats to find someone to loan us some matches or
a lighter.

It only took me a couple hundred yards before I found another sail
boater who was willing to give me a spare book of matches and even
wrapped it in a piece of plastic since I was carrying it back to
our boat in my mouth.

When you think about it, it's a pretty generous gesture to help
out a stranger like that who comes swimming up to your boat and
not start hitting him on the head with a boat hook.



v v v v v




*submitted by*
DeVulcano
  Click here: ~*~ As I Wake Each Morning ~*~
http://www.spiritisup.com/asiwakeeachmorningse.html

2.  Click here: ~*~ Friendship Tucked Away ~*~
http://www.spiritisup.com/friendship1yc.html

*submitted by*
GRANDPASAM56
  Click here: ~ Always Have A Dream ~
http://www.blueyze.us/dream.html



v v v v v


*submitted by*
jacksinfla@earthlink.net



*Dear Mr. Abby:

**Q:  My husband wants to experience a threesome with my
sister and me.

A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot
get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing-your sister.
Far from being an issue, this can bring all of the family
together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still
apprehensive, then let him be with your relatives, buy
him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and
don't mention this aspect of his behavior.


Dear Mr. Abby:

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.

A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only
10 calories per spoonful. It is nutritious, helps you to
keep your figure, and gives a great glow to your skin.
Interestingly, men know this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him
is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a
man. This shows he loves you. Buy him a nice present, cook him a
nice meal, and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.


Dear Mr. Abby:

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.

A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be
encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove
his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out
with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a
relief for him. Just look at how emotional and happy the man is
when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do is to
buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and
don't mention this aspect of his behavior.


Dear Mr. Abby:

Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.

A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If
you must mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the
family budget you may wish to videotape yourself while doing
this, and sell it.? To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a
nice, expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal.


Dear Mr. Abby:

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is
that you do not love your man as much as you should-he has to
work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this
area, and make it up to him by buying him a nice, expensive
present, and cook him a nice meal.


Dear Mr. Abby:

Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.

A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by
militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit.
Don't mention it again to him and show your love to him by
buying a nice, expensive present, and don't forget to cook him a
delicious meal!



v v v v v







v v v v v



It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke
up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks
down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his
surprise he finds his beautiful blonde wife,
Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.

Jake asks her, "What are you up to?"

Alice smiles, "I'm going hunting with you!"

Jake, though he had many reservations about this,
reluctantly decides to take her along.

Later they arrive at the hunting site. Jake sets his
wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her,  "If you
see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running
back as soon as I hear the shot."

Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that
Alice couldn't bag an elephant... much less a deer. Not 
10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an
array of gunshots.

Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer
to her stand, he hears Alice screaming: "Get away
from my deer!"

Confused, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife.
And again he hears her yell: "Get away from my deer!"
followed by another volley of gunfire.

Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is 
surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air.

The cowboy, obviously distraught, yells: "Okay, lady,
okay!!!! You can have your deer!!!  Just let me get my
saddle off it!"



v v v v v






  Click here: DIY Tire Change - Change a Flat Tire Video - About.com
http://clk.about.com/?zi=18/1X]/ca&sdn=autos_cars&tm=24&zu=
http%3A//video.about.com/cars/Changing-Tires.htm
You don't have to panic the next time you get a flat tire. Follow these simple steps
and you'll be able to replace your flat tire with your spare quickly and easily.

  Click here: Video - Preparing your Car for a Road Trip
http://video.about.com/autorepair/Road-Trip-Preparation.htm
Learn how to prepare your car for a road trip including what parts
to check and what to bring with you
   


v v v v v



I was  meeting a friend in a bar, and as I went in I noticed  
two pretty girls looking at me.  

"Nine," I heard one whisper as I passed.  

Feeling pleased with myself, I swaggered over to my buddy and  
told him a girl had just rated me a nine out of ten.  

"I don't want to ruin it for you," he said, "but when I walked  
in, they were speaking German."   



  v v v v v



An old widow and widower named Mary and Steve get
married.  They are up there in age, and the romance,
engagement and marriage was quick.  They hoped
they had enough strength to live through their wedding
day and night.  After the marriage ceremony, they
retire to a nearby hotel.

Both are very nervous. Cautiously they begin to undress 
in front of each other.  In the process, Mary, the old
woman, removes her false teeth and puts them in a glass. 
Mary then removes her prosthetic leg and leans it against
the wall.

She looks up at her new groom and smiles nervously, and
Steve is intently watching... Mary continues.  She removes
her bra which contains false inserts; she removes a glass eye
and gingerly places it in a special box on the nightstand. 
Again she shyly smiles at her aged spouse, and Steve 
continues to stare in an interested manner. As Mary
takes off her wig, she realizes that Steve is not making
much progress in getting undressed.

He's stopped undressing and is just staring at her.

She asks him, "What are you waiting for?"

Steve quickly replies, "You know what I want. Take it off
and throw it over here!"



v v v v v









v v v v v



A minister was opening his mail one morning.  Drawing a
single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written
on it only one word:  "FOOL".

The next Sunday he announced, "I have known many people
who have written letters and forgot to sign their name.

"But this week I received a letter from someone who signed
his name and had forgotten to write a letter."



v v v v v



DELISH CORN RELISH

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  

INGREDIENTS:  
1/2 cup and 2 tablespoons whole kernel corn  
1 tablespoon and 3/4 teaspoon chopped green bell peppers  
1/8 onion, thinly sliced  
1 tablespoon and 2-3/4 teaspoons sweet pickle relish  
1/8 teaspoon celery seed  
1/8 teaspoon salt  
1/8 teaspoon dry mustard  
1-3/4 teaspoons distilled white vinegar  
1-3/4 teaspoons white corn syrup  

DIRECTIONS:  
In a medium saucepan, mix together the corn, green bell  
peppers, onion, sweet pickle relish, celery seed, salt,  
dry mustard, vinegar and corn syrup. Bring to a boil,  
reduce heat and simmer 5 minutes. Transfer the mixture  
to sterile jars or our favorite plastic containers  
and refrigerate until serving.  



v v v v v





  Click here: :: gabrieleponti.com ::
http://www.gabrieleponti.com/software/index.html#sendtotoys
The shortcut menu provides quick commands for working with files. Delete them, rename them, move them and so much more.
And then there’s the Send To command. This lets you send files to e-mail recipients, folders or an attached thumb drive.
But there’s always room for improvement. And Send To Toys definitely beefs up your Send To options.
You can send items to your Favorites folder, your Quick Launch toolbar or the clipboard. You
can even set up a default e-mail recipient! That’s handy when you frequently
e-mail files to one person. - kimkomando.com

  Click here: PC World - PC World Downloads - DriverMax
http://www.pcworld.com/downloads/file/fid,64856/description.html?tk=nl_hsxdwn
DriverMax finds essential hardware (and some software) drivers on your PC and backs
them up. It works by creating a folder, and Zips and copies all the drivers to individual folders
with the name of the driver. One annoying thing: to get this free program you've
got to register on the developer's site.

  Click here: PC World - PC World Downloads - GetByMail
http://www.pcworld.com/downloads/file/fid,61392/description.html?tk=nl_hsxdwn
Get access to your office computer through your e-mail account, not through a remote-access app. 
If you do work in two locations--but don't want to messy with pricey, complicated remote-access
software--consider GetByMail. This freebie lets you access another computer through your e-mail
account. Your files bypass limited FTP access, firewall problems, and other roadblocks by
going through the approved channel of e-mail.



v v v v v


   
*submitted by*
lg1@tampabay.rr.com



    A young preacher was asked by a funeral director to hold a graveside
    service for a man who died with no family or friends. The funeral was
    held way back in the country and the young preacher got lost on the way.

    When he arrived an hour late, he saw a backhoe and crew, but the hearse
    was nowhere in sight. The workmen were eating lunch. The diligent pastor
    went to the open grave to find the vault lid in place....but still he
    poured out his heart and preached an impassioned and lengthy service.

    Returning to his car, the young preacher felt that he had done his duty
    and he would leave with a renewed sense of purpose and dedication, in
    spite of his tardiness.

    As he got into his car, he overheard one of the workers talking to
    another worker: "I've been putting in septic tanks for 20 years, and I
    ain't never seen anything like that before. Sort of gives new meaning to
    the term "Holy Shit."



v v v v v



If at first you don't succeed...give up!
No use being a damn fool.



  v v v v v






  Click here: Top 10 Pop Artists for the Indisputably Hip
http://clk.about.com/?zi=18/15o&sdn=top40&cdn=entertainment&tm=39&gps=45_
75_1193_850&f=00&su=p284.5.420.ip_p532.0.400.ip_p445.92.150.ip_&tt=3&bt=0&bts=
0&zu=http%3A//top40.about.com/od/top10lists/ss/hippop.htm

  Click here: Top 10 US Music Festivals for Pop Music Fans
http://clk.about.com/?zi=18/15r/5&sdn=top40&cdn=entertainment&tm=41&gps=
96_205_1193_850&f=00&su=p284.5.420.ip_p532.0.400.ip_p445.92.150.ip_&tt=29&bt=1&
bts=1&zu=http%3A//top40.about.com/od/top10lists/tp/musicfestivals.htm
  Music festivals continue to expand in number and size in the US. That's a great deal for
music fans. The opportunity to choose from over 100 artists on multiple stages in the
larger festivals is a bargain and unique opportunity to explore performances you might not
choose on your own. There are certainly many more worthwhile festivals to attend
than simply these 10, but these will get you started with some of the
biggest and best for pop music fans.

  Click here: Christina Aguilera - Candyman
http://clk.about.com/?zi=18/yW/SZ&sdn=top40&cdn=entertainment&tm=64&gp
s=47_38_1193_850&f=00&su=p284.5.420.ip_p532.0.400.ip_p445.92.150.ip_&tt=3&
bt=0&bts=0&zu=http%3A//top40.about.com/od/singles/gr/candyman.htm
  Grab a partner and get ready to cut the rug! Christina Aguilera is back in dance
mode, and this time it's swing. It all works with energy to spare. Some listeners may want
to be alerted to the sexual content. It is Christina Aguilera, and she doesn't hold much
back. Don't miss the accompanying video with Christina in full Andrews Sisters mode.



  v v v v v



The lady sitting in the stands behind home plate at a Little League baseball game was
giving the umpire the benefit of her opinion on many of his calls that went against the visiting
team. Although critical, her comments were good-natured and ignored by the umpire.
She really let loose, however, five or six innings into the game when a third strike was
called against a member of her team. When she noticed the amazed reaction of those
around her to her antics, she grinned. "The umpire's my husband, and
the boy he just called out is our son."


 
v v v v v



*submitted by*
ron_stott@yahoo.com


A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising
altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen,
this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to
Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth and
uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY NO!"

Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom
and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking
to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap.
You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"



v v v v v



      The Top 18 Revised Movie Quotes Used in Advertisements


18> Gillette Foamy: "Luke, I'm your lather."

17> American Express: "Hasta la Visa, baby."

16> Animal Planet: "Show me the monkey!"

15> Alaska Travel Bureau: "Oh, Auntie Em, there's *no* place
    like Nome!"

14> Geometry Wars video game: "Here's looking at Euclid!"

13> Hair Club for Men: "The first rule of Hair Club for Men
    is: You don't admit you're from Hair Club for Men."

12> Sara Lee: "Go ahead, make my Danish."

11> Frederick's of Hollywood crotchless panties: "Nobody puts
    labia in a corner!"

10> Best Cuts: "No, Miss Blonde. We expect you to dye!"

9> Gas-X: "The farts are strong with this one. Have to be,
    they do not."

8> L'Oreal: "As God is my witness, I'll never be homely again!"

7> Campbell's Soup: "Well, I'm a mushroom-soup-loving
    mother****er, mother***er!"

6> Ford: "Sometimes you just gotta say, 'What a truck!'"

5> Preparation H: "These are not the 'rhoids you're suffering
    from."

4> Layne Bryant: "You're gonna need a bigger coat."

3> K-Y Warming Lotion: "Open the bod play doors, Gal!"

2> Ginsu Knives: "I'll halve what she's halving."


                and Topfive.com's Number 1 Revised
             Movie Quote Used in an Advertisement...


1> Chuck E. Cheese: "Children! Tonight, we dine in HELL!!!!!"



   v v v v v



  Nicole Richie was sentenced to 82 minutes in prison.

Her original sentence was four days, but that was reduced because the
judge felt that it just wasn't ridiculous enough.



Jay Leno

 
 
   v v v v v

  Click here: Best Stuff
http://bestuff.com/
I had so much fun on this site!  What do you think is the BEST in every category imaginable!  Don't see it? 
Add it as the BEST!  If others agree, they will add their 'names' -- it's
difficult for me to explain -- check it out!

  Click here: FRONTLINE: can you afford to retire? | PBS
http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/retirement/
Baby boomers are heading for a shock as they hit retirement: vanishing pensions
and inadequate 401(k) savings. What can be done?

  Click here: ResearchChannel
http://www.researchchannel.org/
If you’ve spent any time exploring YouTube, you know there are many bad videos available online.
Sure, you’ll find plenty of entertaining video clips. But how many of them provide information that really matters?
Finding quality videos that are informative can take a bit of work. A good place to start is ResearchChannel’s site.
The site claims more than 3,000 videos spanning a variety of topics. And they all present new insights and discoveries.

  Click here: Hurricane Kit - Make a Hurricane Safety Kit Video - About.com
http://video.about.com/housekeeping/Make-A-Hurricane-Kit.htm
There's no way to predict what will happen before a hurricane strikes, but there are
many ways to prepare for the worst. Ease your mind by having a hurricane kit on hand.

*submitted by*
SHAYNABUTTONS
  Click here: YouTube - Women In Art
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nUDIoN-_Hxs
This is very nice - don't miss it --- art over the years
 

   
v v v v v



I was accompanying the assistant commandant on his inspection of
the troops.  To break the silence, the general would ask some of the
Marines standing at attention which outfit they were serving with.

Ramrod straight, each would respond, "Marine Air Group 36, sir,"
or "Second Marine Division, General."

But near the end of the inspection, the general asked a young
private, "Which outfit are you in?"

The Marine replied, "Dress blues, sir, with medals!"


   
  v v v v v



An avid male golfer's buddies were going to be out of town for
the weekend so he decided to go down to the golf course and see
if any group might need a fourth member. Sure enough there were
three women and they were glad to have him join them.

Since he was the guest, they decided to let him tee off first. The
man teed off and his ball sliced badly to the right and landed in
a sand trap. The man immediately exclaimed "Oh shit!"

One of the women reminded him that he was playing with three ladies
and not his male buddies and that ladies do not appreciate that
kind of language. The man promptly apologized and promised it
would not happen again.

The woman who had spoken to him about the cursing then teed off
and her ball hit a tree and then caromed off into the same sand
trap. She immediately said "Oh shit!"

The man spoke up and said that he realized he was a guest but it
seemed like there was a double standard in that the woman used
the same word that he was told he should not use.

The woman quickly replied, "There's no double standard. Your ball
didn't hit the fucking tree!"



v v v v v






After Work Special
3 oz Amaretto    
2 oz Coconut Rum   
1 oz white Rum
6 oz Orange Juice    
6 oz Pineapple Juice    
Pour the Di Amore amaretto, Malibu rum and Bacardi rum
over 5 ice cubes in a hurricane glass. Fill the
rest of the glass with orange juice and pineapple
juice, to taste, and serve.
   
   
Embolism
2 oz Spiced Rum
1 oz Grenadine
(Fill to Top) CocaCola
Add rum and grenadine to a glass.
Fill with coke. Ice optional.



v v v v v

   

*submitted by*
ron_stott@yahoo.com




Passengers aboard a luxurious cruise ship were having a great time
when a beautiful young woman fell overboard.

Immediately there was an 80-year-old man in the water who rescued her.
The crew pulled them both out of the treacherous waters. The captain was grateful as well
as astonished that the white-haired old man performed such an act of bravery. That night
a banquet was given in honor of the ship's elderly hero. He was called forward to
receive an award and was asked to say a few words.

He said, "First of all, I'd like to know who pushed me."



v v v v v



BRATS & BEER ON THE GRILL

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  

INGREDIENTS:  
6 Fresh bratwursts  
1 12-ounce can beer (not dark beer)  
1 medium onion, Chopped  
6 Peppercorns  
4 whole Cloves  
6 Hard Rolls  

DIRECTIONS:  
Place bratwursts, beer, onion, peppercorns, and cloves in  
a 3-quart saucepan. Simmer for 20 minutes. Drain. Grill  
bratwursts 2 to 5 inches from charcoal about 10 minutes,  
until browned. Sprinkle with water to form a crisp skin.  
Serve in hard rolls with coarse grain mustard.  

Yield: 6 Servings  



v v v v v



My wife and I were browsing in a crafts store when I noticed a
display of country-style musical instruments. After looking over the
flutes, dulcimers and recorders, I picked up a shiny, one-stringed
instrument I took to be a mouth harp. I put it to my lips and,
much to the amusement of other shoppers, twanged a few notes on it.

After watching from a distance, my wife came up and whispered in
my ear, "I hate to tell you this, honey, but you're trying to play
a cheese slicer."



v v v v v







v v v v v



                 The Top 7 Parental World Records               


7> Speed spitup cleaning: Nora Gundin, El Paso, TX, mother of triplets.

6> Time spent in bathroom before hearing "MOM!": 0.23 seconds.

5> Most readings of "Goodnight Moon" in one evening: 13, by
    Charlie Chevalier of Newark, NJ.

4> Toys salvaged from various plumbing without resort to a
    professional: Alberto Mendez of Colorado Springs; 82.

3> Longest faked sleep so the spouse might get up with the crying
    baby in the middle of the night.

2> Fastest excuses for child's abominable behavior.


    and the Number 1 Parental World Record...


1> June 1968 to September 2001: Longest Parental Guilt Trip:
    Mrs. Gladys Steinmetz and her good-for-nothing son, Simon, who
    could have been a dentist like Flora Moscovitz' boy, but nooooo.



v v v v v



I wonder if they read the labels that make for bottles before
they put them on the bottles?  This is a true story, happened to
a friend of mine just the other day!

He told me, "Tonight as I was at Safeway waiting for my daughter to
pick out some shampoo, I was browsing the shelves.  The boxes of
Rogaine caught my eye.  There were two types, prominently labeled
'Rogaine for Men' and 'Rogaine for Women.'

Being a rather balding male, I picked up the Rogaine for Men and
turned it over to see the back.  There was a well-marked, shaded
text box clearly stating: "Do not use while pregnant or nursing."



v v v v v



by deb



The Love Season
  by Elin Hilderbrand
 
 
It’s a hot August Saturday on Nantucket Island.  Over the course of the next 24
hours, two lives will be transformed forever.

Marguerite Beale, former chef of culinary hot spot Les Parapluies, has been out of the
public eye for over a decade.  This all changes with a phone call from Marguerite’s goddaughter,
Renata Knox.  Marguerite has not seen Renata since the death of Renata’s mother,
Candace Harris Knox, fourteen years earlier.  And now that Renata is on Nantucket visiting
the family of her new fiancé, she takes the opportunity, against her father’s wishes, to
contact Marguerite in hopes of learning the story of her mother’s life—and death. But the
events of the day spiral hopelessly out of control for both women,
and nothing ends up as planned.

Welcome to The Love Season — a riveting story that takes place in one day and spans
decades; a story that embraces the charming, pristine island of Nantucket, as well as Manhattan,
Paris and Morocco.  Elin Hilderbrand’s most ambitious novel to date chronicles the
famous couplings of real lives: love and friendship, food and wine, deception and 
betrayal—and forgiveness and healing.

This is one of the best books I have read in a long time.  By the end of the book,
I felt I knew these characters personally. Fantastic character development.
I  even felt I was there, eavesdropping on the people in this book.  It was wonderful.
 
5 out of 5 stars



  v v v v v



The new pastor decided to visit the children's Sunday school. The
teacher introduced him and said, "Pastor, this morning we're
studying Joshua."

"That's wonderful," said the new pastor, "let's see what you're
learning. Who tore down the walls of Jericho?"

Little Billy shyly raised hand and offered, "Pastor, I didn't do it."

Taken aback, the pastor asked, "Come on, now, who tore down the
walls of Jericho?"

The teacher, interrupting, said, "Pastor, Billy's a good boy. If
he says he didn't do it, I believe he didn't do it."

Flustered, the pastor went to the Sunday school director and
related the story to him.

The director, looking worried, explained, "Well, sir, we've had
some problems with Billy before. Let me talk to him and see what
we can do."

Really bothered now by the answers of the teacher and the director,
the new pastor approached the deacons and related the whole story,
including the responses of the teacher and the director.

A white-haired gentleman thoughtfully stroked his chin and said,
"Well, Pastor, I move we just take the money from the general fund
to pay for the walls and leave it at that."



  v v v v v




  Click here: Podcast: There's a Hole in Your Network - Vulnerability Management
Is No Mystery, from Qualys - White Papers, Webc
http://ct.zdnet.com/clicks?c=34154724-1656378&brand=zdnet&ds=5
  Open networks and supply chain integration create great business opportunities but
also substantial security risks. The bad guys are using more sophisticated tools to
create viruses, worms, rootkits and other attacks, and malware is spreading faster
than ever. Learn how vulnerability management allows you to keep on top of these
problems by identifying an organization's greatest security vulnerabilities and proactively
recommending fixes, in part one of this four-part Podcast series.



  v v v v v



While on the freeway in Los Angeles, I was behind a pack of cars.
The last driver was on the phone and drifting all over the road.

This did not escape the attention of a California Highway Patrol
officer, who snuck up behind her and said over his loudspeaker,
"If you can't stay in your lane while on the phone, pull over
until the call is completed."

Immediately eight other cars pulled over.



v v v v v



A construction worker was whistling and verbally harassing a young
girl as she walked by the construction site.  She completely ignored
him, and just kept on walking.  Annoyed, the worker yelled, "Well,
you're an ugly bitch anyway!"

The girl turned around and replied, "It must be terrible when even
an ugly bitch won't give you the time of day?"



Stan Kegel



v v v v v






  Click here: Recipe4Living - Fat Burning Cabbage/Vegetable Soup
http://www.recipe4living.com/content/view/7332/177/
 
Recipe4Living - Chicken Stew with Parsley Dumplings
http://www.recipe4living.com/content/view/10233/177/

  Recipe4Living - Easy Homemade Soup
http://www.recipe4living.com/content/view/916/177/



v v v v v



A quiz program contestant had to identify famous slogans.
After several correct responses, he was asked, "Which company
originated the phrase 'Good to the last drop?'"

The contestant thought for a moment and replied, "Otis Elevator?"



v v v v v



Top Ten Reasons Alberto Gonzales Resigned


10. Felt he wasn't incompetent enough for the Bush administration

9. Secretly ordered himself to fire himself

8. Was offered the John Travolta role in the touring production of "Hairspray"

7. Trying his hand at failing miserably in the private sector

6. Didn't want to be around for transition to the Kucinich administration

5. Instead of terrorism, trying to keep Lindsay and Paris off the streets

4. Got a sweet new job at Kinko's

3. Letterman has a guy making a sand sculpture of Biff Henderson

2. Ran out of laws to circumvent

1. Why not go out on top?



v v v v v




  Click here: Apple Macintosh OS X - Adding a
Password Hint to Your OS X Login
http://glclk.about.com/?zi=5/3URh
  If you sometimes forget your password to login to OS X, you may wish to add a password hint to your login.
The password hint will display after the third unsuccessful login attempt.

To add a password hint to your login:
Click on Apple menu – System Preferences – Accounts – Change Password
Re-enter your password as requested, type a hint in the Password
Hint box, and click on Change Password

   

v v v v v



*submitted by*
BADVETTE87


Dog Logic


Women and cats will do as they please, and men and
dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
-Robert A. Heinlein

The reason a dog has so many friends is that he
wags his tail instead of his tongue.
-Anonymous

There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.
-Ben Williams

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
-Josh Billings

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
-Andy Rooney

Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are 
incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate.
-Anonymous

Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.
-Franklin P. Jones

If  your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise
-Unknown

My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can.
That's almost $21.00 in dog money.
-Joe Weinstein

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you;
that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
-Mark Twain

Dogs are not our  whole life, but they make our lives whole.
-Roger Caras

If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket
and then give him only two of them.
-Phil Pastoret



v v v v v

 
 
A South American scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, Has discovered
that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read their e-mail with their hand
on the mouse. Don't  bother taking it off now, it's too late



  v v v v v