Editor:
DebsSweet
Graphic Editors: Guysbabi, Ditziexx, LuvintheCountry,
CrispySue, kittykab
Children's Book Editor: Amanda260
Internet Security Editor: DebsSweet
JESUS
So Michael Vick has found God - how convenient for him!
That's awesome and it's also complete bullshit. It angers me when people in
his
situation or any other bad situation always state that they've found God.
It wasn't good enough
to go looking for God when he wasn't trying to save his ass but now Vick all
of a sudden
become a man of God and a Christian. Right. I hope you drop the
soap in prison many
times because that's what you deserve
on a much lighter note...
AT 50 CENTS a roll — instead of the regular retail price of $4 — buying
wrapping paper after
New Year's is an easy way to save. The same holds true for buying half-price
inflatable
pool loungers and patio furniture after Labor Day weekend.
In fact, bargain lovers know that there's a smart time to buy just about anything.
Find the VERY BEST time to shop for something and get the best deal at
the link in the SURFIN section!
Be careful when surfing the Internet. I have checked all but naughty links
submitted to you and they are in working
order as of this posting. Always be aware of the risks out there and keep
current with your
anti-virus and adware removal software!
If you would like to SIGN UP or BE REMOVED (sure, remove yourself, break my
heart
and force me into therapy for life) from this mailing list, please send an email
to me, deb@debsnewsletter.com and your request will be handled promptly.
Kick up your feet and put your problems behind you cause darlin' it's time to
ROCK AND ROLL!
and don't forget to buckle your seatbelts, cause it's going to be a wild ride!
A man visits his doctor. "Doc -- I think I'm losing it " he says.
"I'm forever dreaming I wrote The Lord of the Rings."
"Hmmm. One moment," replies the doctor,consulting his medical
records. "Ah, yes, now I see... you've been Tolkien in your sleep."
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"Personal Ad"
SBF Seeks Male companionship.
I love long walks in the woods.
Riding in your pickup truck.
Hunting
Camping
Fishing trips.
Cozy winter nights spent lying by the fire.
Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand.
Rub me the right way and I will respond with tender caresses.
I'll be at the front door when you get home from work.
Kiss me and I'm yours.
I'm a svelte good looking girl who loves to play.
Call 565-2121 and ask for Daisy. The phone number is the
ASPCA and I'm an eight week old black Labrador.
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Laughter
When a smile has an orgasm
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Click here: Pet Store Puppies
- Responsible Breeders
versus Pet Stores - Who comes out on top?
http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/%5DBM
We've all seen them, noses pressed to the glass, eyes pleading for somebody
to
take them home. So cute and cuddly that many a rational person has made the
impulsive decision to bring one home, a few hundred dollars later. And inevitably,
thousands
of dollars in veterinary bills later, the poor sucker finally realizes that
maybe
buying that puppy wasn't such a grand idea.
Click here: Do Water Changes
Kill Fish?
http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/%5DBN
This story is a common, but unfortunate one. Take time to read it, because
this
kind of story perpetuates the myth that water changes are harmful.
Click here: Tap Water Purification
Methods - Ways to Purify
Tap Water Before Use in Aquariums
http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/%5DBI
After reading about
the problems with using untreated tap water to make-up sea salt mixes
or add as top-off water to saltwater aquarium systems, here are methods for
how to purify
it before use that can help avoid many of the potential problems
that can arise from doing so.
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The other night my wife and I were making love when
I heard her yelling,... 'Climax! Climax!'
I asked her "what's the big hurry?"
She replied, "I didn't say that. I thought it was you."
Then we both heard it again from the next apartment,
'Climax...So nu CLIMAX ! '
Later we found out the little old Jewish lady who lives next
door was teaching her parakeet Max to go up a ladder.
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The National Basketball Association is caught
up
in a scandal after a ref was found to have placed
bets on the outcome of games in which he was working.
The Top 16 Indications a Referee Is Crooked
[ Copyright 2007 by Chris White/TopFive.com ]
16> His jersey sports more logos than Jeff Gordon's car.
15> For the fifth straight season, you lost your online fantasy
football league Super Bowl by 50+ points to "BadZebra0013."
14> You catch him injecting Barry Bonds's blood into his whistle hand.
13> "Holding! Five-yard penalty. Unless you boys want to make me a better
offer."
12> "Is it just me, or does the new time keeper look an awful lot like Flava
Flav?"
11> You weren't thrilled with his calls before, but they're even
worse since he broke both kneecaps in a gardening accident.
10> When Kobe scores 45 in the first half, he gets ejected for "showing off."
9> Steps in to give Ronaldinho a mulligan on that missed penalty kick.
8> To start the bottom of the 9th, he invokes the "Running the
Bases Backwards While Doing Somersaults" rule.
7> His entourage is bigger than Carmello's and Iverson's combined.
6> Immediately after the coin toss, he barks, "Nope! Best two
out of three!"
5> Before the first preseason game, he congratulates the Oakland
Raiders on their 2008 Super Bowl victory.
4> Your team's star center fouls out during pregame layup drills.
3> That's two minutes for letting yourself be slashed, and
another five for bleeding on the ice.
2> Your game-winning touchdown is called back and you're assessed
a 75-yard penalty for "illegal use of the buttocks."
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Indication a Referee Is Crooked...
1> Pours ketchup on the ears of Mike Tyson's opponent.
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*submitted by*
lg1@tampbay.rr.com
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.
At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led
such
exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to
earth and be anyone you wish to be
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;"
And "poof" she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna and "poof" she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini.."
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he ask
"Sara Pipalini," replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring
a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.
St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says.
"No sister, the paper says it was the ' Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by
1,400 men in 6 months."
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The spaceship crashed, but the two glowing Martians survived. They
decided to try to find a way home. They walked through the forests,
through the fields, and finally.... came into the city.
They stopped at an intersection and began to shake and moan at
the mere sight of a green light. Suddenly, the light turned from
green to yellow, and then to red.
Turning to his traveling companion, one Martian said disgustedly,
"Let's get out of here. If there's one thing I hate, it's a woman
who's a tease."
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Water heater
Many homeowners wonder about how to adjust their water heater while they're
away.
If you have a gas water heater, set the temperature dial to the VAC or "vacation"
setting.
If you don't have this setting, turn the thermostat as low as it will
go - but don't turn it completely
off. If you do, you'll have to relight the pilot light when you get home, and
with most water
heaters this requires a service call from a professional.
If you have an electric water heater, cut the power at the
breaker or fuse in the service panel.
With either type of water heater, It's not necessary to drain out the
water from the tank,
but when you come home, be sure to let the water reach at least
120 degrees before using it.
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LAYERED CHOCOLATE BARS
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
INGREDIENTS:
1-1/2 c. finely crushed thin pretzels
3/4 c. (1-1/2 sticks) butter or margarine, melted
1 can (14 oz) sweetened condensed milk (not evaporated milk)
4 bars (4 oz) Unsweetened Baking Chocolate, broken into pieces
2 c. Campfire miniature marshmallows
1 c. Mounds Sweetened Coconut Flakes
1 c. coarsely chopped pecans
4 bars (4 oz) Semi-Sweet Baking Chocolate, broken into pieces
1 Tbsp. shortening
DIRECTONS:
Heat oven to 350 degrees. Combine pretzels and melted butter in
small bowl; press evenly into bottom of 13x9-inch baking pan.
Place sweetened condensed milk and unsweetened chocolate in
small microwave-safe bowl. Microwave at HIGH 1 to 1-1/2 minutes
or until mixture is melted and smooth when stirred. Pour over
pretzel layer in pan. Top with marshmallows, coconut and pecans;
press firmly down onto chocolate layer. Bake 25 to 30 minutes
or until lightly browned; cool completely in pan on wire rack.
Melt semi-sweet chocolate and shortening in small microwave-safe
bowl at HIGH for 1 minute or until melted when stirred; drizzle
over entire top. Refrigerate 15 minutes or until set. Cut into bars.
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A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become
well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
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"Hello, help desk."
"Yes, this is Mrs. Duffy on the sixth floor. I want to report a
violation of company policy."
"What seems to be the trouble, Mrs. Duffy?"
"I have found some of the computers in the office here are being
used to look at orgies."
"We have filtering software on the network that prevents sites
like that from being displayed."
"Well, I just sat down at one of the computers and clicked on
the bookmarks."
"And there's a list of pornographic sites?"
"I should say so. Quite a few."
"They should be blocked by the filter. Did you click on them?"
"I didn't have to. They say dot O-R-G and I've been around long
enough to know what that means."
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Mafia leader seeks sleazy woman who can dodge bullets, meet in
rat-infested motels, and speak Russian. Must be able to keep
a secret.
Mormon male looking for one or more females for a long-term
relationship. Must have childbearing hips and be willing to give
birth to at least four children. Catholics need not apply.
Single, unemployed female with several children out of wedlock is
looking for a sugar daddy to support my children and me. Skills
include nose-wiping and diaper-changing. Ear plugs included. No
experience necessary.
Petite mountaineeress seeks tall female for climbing. If you're
under 6 feet tall, averse to ropes, or wary of long expeditions,
don't apply.
Single, white, affluent male starting a savage cult; orders
submissive, obedient followers to worship and praise my every
move. No shirt, no shoes, no service.
Ready? OK! Collegiate cheerleader looking for quarterback to bring
his helmet, pads, and offensive line to bed. First and ten! Do
it again!
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Mr. Johnson goes to see a psychiatrist to complain about his
oversexed wife. Mr. Johnson confides to the shrink, "Mrs. Johnson
will stop at nothing to satisfy her lustful, kinky desires and
bottomless sexual cravings. What can I do?"
The psychiatrist says, "Please tell Mrs. Johnson I'd like her to
make an appointment with me immediately."
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Organic Matter Explained
You'll often hear the recommendation to add "organic matter" to your
garden soil to improve both drainage and water-holding capacity, as
well as nutrient levels. Just what is organic matter?
Soil consists primarily of two types of materials: minerals and organic
matter. The mineral component comes from weathered rock. The organic
component includes once-living materials in various states of decomposition.
(Soil also contains water, air, and living organisms.) One way to think
about organic matter is to imagine a deciduous forest in autumn.
Where do all the fallen leaves go? They decompose and the nutrients they
contained are returned to the soil, where they can be reused by the trees.
You can imitate this natural cycle by recycling the organic matter in
your landscape. Leave grass clippings on the lawn so they'll decompose and
nourish grass. Add garden and kitchen waste — carrot tops, coffee grounds,
vegetable peelings, etc. — to a compost pile and allow them to decompose.
Then add the resulting compost to your garden. Mulch your garden with
organic materials such as straw and bark mulch; this will slowly break down
and deliver nutrients to the soil.
Ideally, you should add organic matter to your soil every year. Eventually,
you'll achieve the dark, crumbly, nutrient-rich soil coveted by gardeners.
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How often do you wind up with a chuckle from a typographical error??
Such was the case the other day!
Logic would dictate the t was omitted; however, logic didn't
overcome this one!
I saw an item online which said, "Mrs. Goldstein has been constantly
bothered by wild rabbis at her home."
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Former Massachusetts
Governor Mitt
Romney revealed the assets in
his blind
trusts this week, and the $250
million
included surprises like investments
in
the New York Yankees' cable
network. But
some other surprise
assets lurk in
candidates' accounts...
The Top 8 Assets in Presidential Candidate Trusts
8> Rudy Giuliani: A couple of spare mistresses.
7> Hillary Clinton: Bill's oysters, on ice.
6> John Edwards: Pictures of himself with a mullet.
5> Mitt Romney: All of his other marriage licenses.
4> Fred Thompson: Recorded messages to his minor children for when
they become adults and he's gone or can't remember.
3> Rudy Giuliani: 15 patterns from Butterick.
2> Fred Thompson: Every DVD of "Baby's Day Out 2".
and the Number 1 Asset in Presidential Candidates' Trusts...
1> Dennis Kucinich: a map of Middle Earth and a magic ring.
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Click here: MailBigFile - Send
large files quickly & easily without
clogging up your email.
http://www.mailbigfile.com/
The best way to send large file attachments
URL
We use this term all the time in the newsletters, but we've never really
explained what it is exactly, so here you go.
URL is short for Uniform Resource Locator and it is basically just a
Web address. In more
technical terms, a URL is the global address of documents and other resources
used on the World Wide Web.
The first part of a URL is for protocol use and the second part is for
the IP address
or domain name. These two parts work together to bring you your favorite Web
sites. Let's
say you visit WorldStart's Web site quite often and the URL is of course, http://www.worldstart.com.
The first part is http:// and the second is www.worldstart.com. Without both
of those parts
together, you wouldn't be able to visit the site. And that would just be a shame.
: )
So, the next time you type in a Web address, think about how the term
URL brings us all together!
Erin
worldstart.com
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It seems that a lot of people are dieting recently, trying
everything from an all-carbohydrate to an all-protein mix. I have
another suggestion, one that has worked through the ages: the
"Beer-Me" diet.
Personally, I have a "liquid dinner" every time I go to the club
on Friday night!
FACT: A lite beer has between 70 and 100 calories, is almost
all water, and the part that isn't water is almost pure
carbohydrates. FACT: The average diet recommends a daily caloric
intake of 1,200 calories for women, 1,500 for men, if you want
to lose the medically safe two to three pounds a week. On the
"Beer-Me" diet, that equates to at least 12 beverages a day for
women, and 15 for men. A measurable goal.
FACT: The alcohol in beer is a diuretic, which causes the water
to flush out almost immediately, leading to a consistent workout
regimen including deep knee bends (getting out of the chair), fast
walking (very good for your heart) and squats (as the case may be).
FACT: Drinking beer actually helps you sleep-even when you aren't
necessarily tired. All that added rest is certain to help any
problems you may have experienced in sleep deprivation, counting
calories on those other fad diets. In addition, you may experience
the occasional "How did I get here?" when you wake up, which always
makes for lively conversation, and possibly additional exercise
if you have to sneak out and run home.
FACT: The "Beer-Me" diet is good for your heart. After just one
day of consuming your required 12-15 beers, you will certainly
want to consume some aspirin, which is medically proven to help
prevent heart attacks.
FACT: On the "Beer-Me" diet you can eat anything you want. The
only rule is that you cannot consume any food until you have
consumed at least half of the day's required beers. This way the
food will probably only stay in your body a short time, until you
again exercise the deep knee bends, quick walk and, this time,
the "lean-over-and-hurl" stomach crunches.
FACT: Beer drinking is often done in bars, where other forms of
exercise are common. Dancing, for example, is a good way to build
up a thirst, as is chasing members of the opposite sex. If you
really want to maximize your workout, try actually walking up to
the bar, versus using a waitress. To take this to the extreme,
you could even get up and get someone else a beer-perhaps someone
who is newer to the diet plan than yourself.
FACT: Beer is cheaper than Jenny Craig.
Based on these facts, let's run through a given scenario for diet
implementation. CAUTION: This is a weekend diet plan, and should
be attempted during the work week by only the staunchest of dieters.
MONDAY THROUGH THURSDAY: Eat junk food, and basically be a slob.
FRIDAY: Feeling "huge," swing by the liquor store and stock up. Go
to favorite place of beer drinking and begin the consumption process
(remember 12 for women, 15 for men).
SATURDAY: Wake up (as required) and lounge around all day,
feeling slightly smaller after expunging any food that you may have
accidentally consumed (particularly if it involved beef jerky from
7-11). Take aspirin. Notice that you have absolutely no interest
in food, anyway.
SATURDAY (p.m.): Restart cycle, noticing that your appetite has
still not returned. Perhaps only meet half of your consumption goal
due to an ongoing discussion with "the dog that bit you." This
is a good thing, as only half-consumption means less than 1,000
calories for the day, and you still don't feel hungry.
SUNDAY (a.m.): Wake up for mandatory sports day. This is a very
convenient diet during football season, but it can be successfully
implemented year-round. There is some major professional sport being
played every day of the year except the day before and the day after
the Major League All-Star game (fact-look it up). Consumption on
this day should be paced to cover the entire day-you don't want
to peak too soon. Again you notice a lack of appetite, and are
feeling thinner all the time. Don't forget the aspirin.
MONDAY: Return to work, feeling thinner, well rested, and
surprisingly mellow. Mark your log book, and begin preparation
for the upcoming weekend.
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Hospitals right across Wales are getting ready for a birth explosion
this coming Xmas and are already trying to recruit extra medical
staff to cope.
"It's is a worrying side effect of foot and mouth, with the
countryside closed off and so many dead sheep, our women are
bound to be getting a bit more attention," said Glyn Lloyd Jones
of South Glamorgan Health Trust.
The UFWWL (Ugly Fat Welsh Women's League) has reported that they
are overjoyed with the situation and are campaigning for a stop
to sheep farming in Wales for good.
"It's wonderful. All the women in our village are getting some at
the moment," said a 25 year old fat Welsh munter.
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SWM in dead-end job seeks dumpy neurotic for mutual psychological
torture, tepid sex, and co-dependency. I enjoy drinking, smoking,
pornography, and self-righteous indignation.
I can't stand movies, and the last album I bought was The Marshall
Tucker Band's Greatest Hits. I have middling intelligence but try to
appear smarter by affecting a world- weary air, memorizing useless
facts, and chuckling at my own mean-spirited, agenda-driven jokes.
I'm 32 but look 40 and feel 60. You are a whiny, bitter shrew with
a misplaced sense of entitlement and unrealistic expectations. In
time you will become coolly hostile when I don't fulfill every
unmet need you've ever had. Bonus points if you just finished
screwing every guy in town and but now want to take it slow with me.
My perfect night would include getting hammered in a sleezy bar
while you flirt with seedy old drunks, followed by an embarrassing
screaming match. I would be open to an unsatisfying fling that
leaves me filled with regret and dread but prefer a long-term,
soul crushing descent into booze and pills. No friend- ships. I
don't need any goddamn friends.
Age unimportant, but I will condescend to women under 30 and rehash
mother issues with women over 40.
Serious replies only, please.
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Click here: Short Workout
for Your Entire Body
http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/%5By7
This workout targets all the muscles in the body by combining exercises
together.
These exercises are advanced so take your time and try the workout with
light weights until you get used to the moves
Click here: Does Napping
Really Prevent Heart Disease?
http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/%5By5
In the February 12, 2007 issue of the Archives of Internal Medicine,
researchers
from the Greek European Prospective Investigation into Cancer and Nutrition
(EPIC) study report
that men who took regular naps had significantly fewer heart attacks than those
who
did not. This association was found by examining information from over 23,000
participants
in EPIC. However, the association between napping and a lower risk was found
only in
working men, and not in non-working men - and also, not in women.
Click
here: Dummies::The PMS/Hypoglycemia Connection
http://www.dummies.com/WileyCDA/DummiesTip/id-2505.html
Premenstrual syndrome (PMS) is often associated with increased appetite, a craving
for
sweets, headaches, fatigue, and heart palpitations — in fact, all the symptoms
of
hypoglycemia. It's no wonder. Glucose tolerance tests given to premenstrual
subjects
showed excess insulin in response to sugar consumption. It appears that women
who
suffer from PMS have incidents of hypoglycemia that correlate with their menstrual
cycles. If you're
a woman who has experienced PMS, you know that you often crave something
sweet and simple, such as sugar and flour, just before your period. It's the
low blood
sugar talking. Most women who devour sugar and simple starches experience stress,
anxiety, and moodiness just before their periods — 80 to 90 percent, according
to some
research. The problem is easily rectified by changing your diet. Try to follow
the diet
recommended for hypoglycemics, especially when you feel an attack of PMS coming
on.
Click here: HealthRatings.org
http://www.healthratings.org/
There are many sites on the Internet that offer advice on how to lose
weight. But,
some are out to sell you things. Others may not have the most complete information.
So, if you’re looking for diet advice on the Net, visit HealthRatings.org. It
gives an
unbiased look at the quality of popular diet sites.
The top 20 sites are ranked by traffic. Just click on one to see how it
stacks up in certain key areas.
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The hacker hit the ball into the rough and landed on an anthill.
He tried three times to hit the ball and each time he missed the
ball and hit the anthill. Ants went flying all over the place.
One ant turned to the other ant and said, "If we are going to
survive, we had better get on the ball."
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"Mike Nifong, the DA in the Duke Lacrosse case is resigning.
He said he is looking forward to making up charges and ruining
people's lives in the private sector now."
Jay Leno
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Click
here: Cell Phone Karma
http://www.toilette-humor.com/animal_humor/birds/cell_phone_karma.shtml
Click
here: The Fruit Cake Lady
http://www.toilette-humor.com/old_folks_humor/fruit_cake_lady.shtml
ROFLMAO --- so funny
Click
here: How To Stop A Forest Fire
http://www.toilette-humor.com/commercials/the_mint.shtml
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"Crime in New York City is at an all-time low. It's been weeks
since I walked through Central Park screaming, 'I'm hit! I'm hit!'"
Dave Letterman
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A little boy walked up to the librarian to check out a book entitled
"COMPREHENSIVE GUIDE FOR MOTHERS."
When the librarian asked him if it was for his mother, he answered 'no.'
"Then why are you checking it out?"
"Because," said the little boy confidently, "I just started
collecting moths last month!"
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Click here: AdoptUsKids
http://www.adoptuskids.org/
The Collaboration to AdoptUsKids is a project of The Children’s Bureau, part
of the Federal
Department of Health and Human Services. In October 2002, The Children’s Bureau
contracted
with The Adoption Exchange Association and its partners (The Collaboration to
AdoptUsKids)
to devise and implement a national adoptive family recruitment and retention
strategy,
operate the AdoptUsKids.org website, encourage and enhance adoptive family support
organizations
and conduct a variety of adoption research projects.
*submitted by*
KP1983
Click here: Are You a Talent,
a Lifer, or a Mandarin?
http://www.tomorrowland.us/tlm/
In the mid-90s, in articles in The Atlantic and Time
Magazine, Nicholas Lemann introduced
the idea of three paths to success in American society -- that of Talents, Lifers,
and Mandarins.
He later went on to write a book, The
Big Test, about the SAT as the Mandarin path to success.
*submitted by*
BADVETTE87
Click here: YouTube
- Paintjam Dan Dunn
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OIJtKxdRQzY
Amazing! Watch until the end!
Click
here: The Most Expensive Movies Ever Made - Forbes.com
http://www.forbes.com/2006/12/18/movies-budget-expensive-tech-me
dia-cx_lr_1214moviebudget_slide_2.html?thisSpeed=15000
Can you guess which is #1?
Click here: Fast Food:
Ads vs. Reality
http://www.thewvsr.com/adsvsreality.htm
Fast food in advertisements always looks very tasty. But in reality you get
something else
Click here: Welcome to EveryScape
http://www.everyscape.com/
EveryScape is the only place you can discover your everyday world,
your way. Today,
you can check out Union Square, San Francisco as the first city to be scaped.
You can
check out restaurants, hotels, go shopping, drive by homes. You can see what
other
people are saying and share your comments as you stroll down the street. Click
on the link to
the right to vote for the next CityScape — it could be yours.
Click
here: Federal Reserve Bank of Minneapolis - Consumer Price Index Calculator
http://woodrow.mpls.frb.fed.us/research/data/us/calc/
What is a dollar worth?The Consumer Price Index (CPI) is a measure of the average
change in prices over time in a market basket of goods and services. The
Bureau of Labor Statistics releases
CPI data monthly.
Click
here: The Best Time to Buy Everything (Deal of the
Day: Personal Finance) | SmartMoney.com
http://invite.insightexpress.com/InviteServer/2/ShowInvitation.aspx
?referer=www.smartmoney.com&surveyID=118891
AT 50 CENTS a roll — instead of the regular retail price of $4 — buying
wrapping paper
after New Year's is an easy way to save. The same holds true for buying half-price
inflatable pool loungers and patio furniture after Labor Day weekend.
In fact, bargain lovers know that there's a smart time to buy just about anything.
For
example, those looking for a great deal on a car should shop on weekday mornings
in September. Groceries are cheapest on Sunday evenings.
We talked to the experts, and found the best time to buy everything
from wine to wedding dresses.
Click here: Global Incident
Map Displaying Terrorist Acts, Suspicious
Activity, and General Terrorism News
http://www.globalincidentmap.com/home.php
A global display of terrorism and other suspicious events! A must see
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There was a young student in college who had signed up for a course
in English Literature. However, no matter how closely he listened,
he seemed to become bored rather easily.
One day in class, he dozed off completely! He awoke with a start
when he got hit by a book -- thrown by the professor of the class.
"What the hell was THAT for?" the student asked.
The professor replied, "Do you believe in UFOs?"
"Of course," replied the student. "In these these times, who doesn't?"
The professor smiled at him. Then he said, "You have just been
hit by a flying Chaucer!"
v
v v v v
"I guess you heard, there's a huge problem with the Russian space
station. The computers failed. The whole computer system went
down. Pretty scary. But they're hoping they can fix the problem
and call tech support when they fly over India."
Jay Leno
v
v v v v
Easy
Money
1/4 oz Lime Juice
1/2 oz Coconut Rum
1/2 oz Dark Rum
1 oz White Rum
1 oz Orange Juice
2 tbsp Mango Sherbet
1 tsp Grenadine
Blend all ingredients (except grenadine) briefly with half
a glassful of crushed ice. Sprinkle grenadine on top,
garnish with fruit, and serve.
Abe's
Tropical Night in Hell
2 parts Vodka
2 parts Banana Liqueur
2 parts Chocolate Liqueur
1 part Grenadine
Mix all ingredients together and stir.
Add ice. Then enjoy your night in Hell!
v
v v v v
"Scientists in Japan have developed an umbrella that has Internet
access and allows users to search the Internet while they walk. An
electronic device that you carry in a rain storm. What could
possibly go wrong?"
Conan O'Brien
v
v v v v
"More Americans can name the three stooges than the three branches
of government. Well, that's because the three stooges are more
likely to get something done."
David Letterman
v
v v v v
by deb
Water's
Lovely
by
Ruth Rendell
Ismay and Heather live with and care for their mother, who has been mentally
unbalanced
since finding her children's stepfather drowned in the bathtub. Ismay has always
believed that
her sister killed him, thinking that Heather was protecting her from his unwanted
attentions.
Keeping the dark secret seems to have tainted every area of their lives, as
Ismay is
emotionally unable to confront Heather and find out the truth about their stepfather's
death.
Indeed, the incident has lent its dark influence to every one of the main
characters' relationships and life decisions.
Another book I thoroughly enjoyed! There is suspense, psychological intrigue,
and this book
had the ability to keep me guessing. I guessed wrong, by the way
LOL It's a wonderful
read and I recommend it!
v
v v v v
Our first three babies, all girls, each weighed about seven pounds
at birth. When our fourth arrived, he was much larger.
After delivery, the medical team began testing and measuring my
new son. The last reading came from a nurse, who seemed impressed
as she read, "Weight -- nine pounds, eight ounces."
My husband, a CPA in corporate finance who'd been quiet up to
this point, could contain himself no longer. "How about that!" he
exclaimed happily. "It's 36% more baby!"
Stan Kegel
v
v v v v
One of our patients wasn't taking any chances. Prior to her
operation, she taped notes to her body for the surgeon...
"Take your time," "Don't cut yourself," "No need to rush," "Wash
your hands..."
After surgery, as I helped the patient back into her bed, we
discovered a new note taped to her, this one from the doctor,
"Has anyone seen my wristwatch?"
v
v v v v
v
v v v v
"The FDA announced the new fat blocking drug, Alli, can cause
gas and diarrhea. The pill comes in three forms: pills, capsules,
and chimichangas."
Conan O'Brien
v
v v v v
I spent 20 minutes explaining life insurance options to one of
our employees. After reviewing the different plans and monthly
deductions, he decided to max out, choosing $100,000 worth of life
insurance. But he had one last question.
"Now," he said, "what do I have to do to collect the money?"
v
v v v v
Click
here: Dummies::Avoiding a Variety of Viruses
http://www.dummies.com/WileyCDA/DummiesTip/id-5000.html
The Internet brings the world to your doorstep, but it also brings hoaxters,
scam artists,
and phishers. Without the right protection, your computer is subject to getting
sick from a
virus. Viruses come in these different shapes and forms.
E-mail virus: This kind of virus reproduces itself by going into the
recipient's Address Book,
taking down names, and e-mailing itself to tens or hundreds of people at once.
It's important
to remember that no virus can spread inside an e-mail message. Viruses travel
by e-mail, but
not inside messages -- they travel in files attached to e-mail messages.
Time bomb: This is a virus that is programmed to lie quietly in wait
on a computer until
the appointed hour, when it "explodes" and causes damage.
Trojan horse: This virus masquerades as one kind of program but is really
another.
The game you thought you downloaded turns out not to be a game at all, but a
virus.
Trojan horses travel on the Internet by stealth, not by reproducing themselves
quickly like other viruses.
Worm: This is a virus that quickly makes copies of itself on many computers.
Worms
infect a security hole in a network, and when they are inside the network, quickly
copy
themselves from computer to computer. Code Red, the most notorious worm, copied
itself to
a quarter-million computers during one day in July 2001.
v
v v v v
"Did you have trouble at the airport this week? I had to throw
away all my make-up. They said it's because of this terrorist
plot they foiled over in England. I believe it's an elaborate
ruse perpetrated by the big cosmetics industry. Maybe it's not
terrorism. Maybe it's Maybelline."
Jimmy Kimmel
v
v v v v
"Is it me, or have all the judges gone nuts? They used to just
dispense justice now they're all crazy. There's the crying judge
in Florida, there's the judge in D.C. who's suing the dry cleaners
for $67 million because they lost his pants. If I had a nickel
for every time I lost my pants... but there were no dry cleaners involved."
Craig Ferguson
v
v v v v
Click here:
Recipe4Living - Snickers Pie
http://www.recipe4living.com/content/view/3644/178/
Recipe4Living
- Chocolate Heaven
http://www.recipe4living.com/content/view/4339/178/
Recipe4Living
- Sugar-Free Chocolate Pecan Cookies
http://www.recipe4living.com/content/view/4340/178/
v
v v v v
A friend was lecturing in Latin America. He was going to use a
translator, but to identify with his audience, he wanted to begin
his talk by saying in Spanish, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen."
He arrived at the auditorium a little early and realized he did
not know the Spanish words for ladies and gentlemen. Being rather
resourceful, he went to the part of the building where the restrooms
were, looked at the signs on the two doors, and memorized those
two words.
When the audience arrived and he was introduced, he stood up and
said in Spanish, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen."
The audience was shocked. He didn't know whether he had offended
them or perhaps they hadn't heard him or under- stood him. So he
decided to repeat it. Again in Spanish he said, "Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen."
One person in the audience began to snicker. Pretty soon the entire
audience was laughing. Finally, someone told him that he had said,
"Good evening, bathrooms and broom closets!"
v
v v v v
Click here: Blocking Pop-Up
Ads in Safari
http://glclk.about.com/?zi=5/3URj
Use the Block Pop-Up Windows feature in Safari to block pop-up
ads in web sites. Here's how:
Open the Safari browser
On the Safari Menu bar, click on Safari - Block Pop-Up Windows
Note that at times you may need to switch off this feature (just click on the
option
again to deselect it), particularly if you are accessing a web site or service
that
uses pop-up windows as an essential feature.
v
v v v v
I learned a lesson in marketing from a man who bought an old boat,
a trailer and a motor from me. "Thanks," he said as he loaded them
up. "I'm planning to resell them."
Good luck, I thought. I had been trying to get rid of them for
months. But when I ran into him a few weeks later, he'd sold everything.
"How did you manage that?" I marveled.
"I took out an ad: 'Heavy-duty boat trailer with free boat.'
When the buyer came to get it, I asked if he had a motor. He said
no. I told him I happened to have one in my garage. Bought that, too."
v
v v v v
The teacher sent home a note suggesting
we spend more time with our two kids, and I have
to tell you, I was shocked. I only remembered the
redd-headed one.
v
v v v v
*submitted by*
Wdavisga
Click here: ~~~Blues~~~
http://www.tennhills.com/Blues.htm
2. Click here:
The Heart Never Forgets
http://www.tennhills.com/TheHeartNeverForgets.htm
v
v v v v
Two young boys, a five-year-old and a four-year-old, were playing
cops and robbers in the backyard. Their mother could hear them
chasing each other and pretending to be tough guys. She kept quiet,
so as to not interfere in their make-believe, but couldn't help
herself, and burst out laughing at one point.
This obviously annoyed the boys who paused to glare at her.
"Sorry," she said. "I didn't mean to interrupt. Go back to your playing."
And just what was it that caused her outburst? It was when the
younger of the boys caught the other, and hollered. "Pull over,
you're under a restaurant."
v
v v v v
Why do vegetarians make a big deal about eating
hamburgers? Beef is really nothing but plants
run through a food processor called a cow.
It's just another way to get your vegetables.
v
v v v v
"The Wall Street Journal reports that two million Americans got
married because of someone they met online. The bad news, four
million got divorced because of somebody they met online."
Jay Leno
v
v v v v
Click
here: SolutionBase: Find a lost Windows product key, from TechRepublic - Downloads
- TechRepublic
http://ct.zdnet.com/clicks?t=34154656-806f0115a755e77dbd661609f3a0db00-bf&s=5&fs=0
In order to install or reinstall Microsoft Windows you must have access to a
Product
Key for that version of the operating system. The product key can typically
be found on
a yellow sticker on the CD case of the installation CD, or on a small Microsoft
sticker
on the outside of the PC's case (if the OS came preinstalled on the machine).
If you no
longer have access to the product key then you will effectively "lose" a Windows
license if you ever have to reinstall the operating system.
v
v v v v
*submitted by*
SHAYNABUTTONS
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months,
yet
she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, he motioned for
her to come
nearer. She sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears,"You know what?
You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed,
you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right
here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side....."You know what?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck, get the fuck away from me."
v
v v v v
Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with
Father Flaherty.
The Father said, "Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan
and didn't
I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?"
She replied, "Aye, that ye did, Father."
The Father asked, "And be there any little ones yet?"
She replied, "No, not yet, Father."
The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll
light a candle for ye and yer hoosband."
She replied, "Oh, thank ye kindly, Father."
They then parted ways.
Some years later they met again.
The Father asked, "Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?"
She replied, "Oh, very well, Father!"
The Father asked, "And tell me, have ye any little ones yet?"
She replied, "Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in
all!"
The Father said, "That's wonderful! How is yer loving hoosband doing?"
She replied, "E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fuckin' candle."
v
v v v v
*submitted by*
GRANDPASAM56
Click here: Just For
You ~ Ginny Bryant ~ Living Each Day
http://www.livingeachday.com/just4U_gb/
*submitted by*
KP1983
Click here:
My Special Angel
http://www.journeyoflove2.com/MySpecialAngel.html
*submitted by*
wmccarte@bigpond.net.au
Click
here: "A Special Letter For You"
http://www.perfectgreetings.com//funpages/view.cfm/10718?page_id=238301
v
v v v v
"Women claim that what they look for in a man in a sense of humor,
but I don't believe it. Who do you want removing your bra...George
Clooney or the Three Stooges?"
Bruce Smirnoff
v
v v v v
NOTE FROM CHRIS:
You notice him/her from across the room.
He/she glances at you and shyly smiles.
Now the ball's in your court, my friend.
You only get one shot at this -- don't screw it up.
The
Top 16 Bad Icebreaker Lines
16> "Wow! I had no idea they made women's shoes that big!"
15> "If you had to pick one, would you rather live long
or prosper?"
14> "You have the most beautiful eyes. I'd like to donate them
to a starving third world nation."
13> "Hi, I'm Michael Vick."
12> "Would you like some shrimp? Because I'm not going to finish
this one."
11> "May I borrow your belt? I need to expose a vein."
10> "Ever go to a 'Star Trek' convention dressed like an Orion
slave girl?"
9> "Hey, wanna come see a turd shaped like a horseshoe?"
8> "You're not, in any way, affiliated with or a regular viewer
of 'Dateline NBC' are you?"
7> "Hey, I'm a malpractice attorney, and based on those breasts,
I think we should talk."
6> "Know what my favorite thing about riding the bus is?
BRRRRRRRM VROOOOM VROOOOM!"
5> "I see you're reading the new Harry Potter book! Has Ron died yet?"
4> "Oh come on, get up. Like you've never been punched in the
throat before."
3> "My balls started itchin' the moment I saw you -- and I
*always* listen to my balls."
2> "I've never seen a butt-crack tattoo of Cerberus that large before."
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Bad Icebreaker Line...
1> "So how do you like your job at Discount Shoes where you work
Monday through Thursday and ever other Saturday from 9 a.m.
to 5:30 p.m.?"
v
v v v v
The thing I like best about fantasy is that I can afford it.
v
v v v v
Click
here: Top Ten Fuel-Efficient Cars
http://clk.about.com/?zi=18/15r/2&sdn=cars&cdn=autos&tm=25&gps=66_96_11
93_850&f=00&su=p284.8.150.ip_&tt=14&bt=0&bts=0&zu=http%3A//cars.about.c
om/od/toppicks/ig/Top-Ten-Fuel-Efficient-Cars/index.htm
Here at About Cars, our philosophy is that one shouldn't give up comfort, safety
and enjoyment
just to save fuel. That's why this isn't just a by-the-numbers list of cars
with the best fuel
economy. Instead, the About Cars test drivers and I are pleased to present our
list of cars
we think are the creme-de-la-creme of fuel-savers. Here they are, in alphabetical
order; click
on the thumbnails to find out why we picked each one.
Click
here: How to keep your car alive (virtually) forever
http://clk.about.com/?zi=1/1W7&sdn=cars&cdn=autos&zu=http://cars.about.com/b/a/217079.htm
Think it's possible?
v
v v v v
The vehicle was packed with four ladies destined for an all-day-long
shopping spree. I was the one driving, and we were cruising right
along when I was stopped by a police officer for speeding.
I rolled down my window as he walked up beside the car and asked
the inevitable question. "Do you know how fast you were going?"
I really didn't -- so I answered, "No, officer, I don't. But I'm
sure I was moving right along because I was just trying to keep
up with my mouth."
He bent down, looked at the carful of women, laughed and just told
me, "Slow down!"
v
v v v v
"Some insurance companies won't pay for Viagra unless men can prove
that they're impotent. Which means that you are at a disadvantage
if you have a really hot pharmacist."
Conan O'Brien
v
v v v v
You would think that, at some point during all my years
of research, one of my scientist
colleagues might be kind enough to mention
there was no need for a cootie vaccine.
v
v v v v
Click
here: XP Tools Pro (exe), from XPTools - Free Downloads
on ZDNet | Shareware, Trialware, Evaluation Software
http://downloads.zdnet.com/download.aspx?&compid=41330&docid=234190&promo=100511
XP Tools is a totally integrated suite of powerful PC Utilities to fix,
speed up,
maintain and protect your computer. With only a few minutes of tweaking, XP
Tools
will optimize the performance of your computer, corrects problems and helps
you
to customize your system to suit your needs. XP Tools will erase your Internet
tracks,
hide your sensitive files and folders, lock your important applications, and
give
you the tools that you need to fine-tune your computer to your personal needs.
When
you run XP Tools, your Windows system will run faster, will crash less often,
and
will be more private and secure.Version 6.96 may include unspecified
updates, enhancements, or bug fixes.
Click
here: FaceOnBody (exe), from FaceOnBody - Free Downloads
on ZDNet | Shareware, Trialware, Evaluation Software
http://ct.zdnet.com/clicks?t=34154651-806f0115a755e77dbd661609f3a0db00-bf&s=5&fs=0
Take your face to a better place. FaceOnBody is the only software designed to
move
any face to any body. With FaceOnBody, you can transport the faces of your friends,
classmates,
and co-workers to the most glamorous, sexy, seedy, hilarious places you can
imagine. No
skill needed. It's fast and simple to make hilarious FaceOnBody images. All
you need is your
digital photos and a little imagination. FaceOnBody does the rest. FaceOnBody
lets you
take your digital photographs to a whole new level. In just six simple steps,
you can create
your own FaceOnBody pictures. Standard tools include face resizing, rotation
and mirroring,
allowing for perfect face positioning. Plus, advanced FaceOnBody paint tools
allow you to
touch-up by painting more of the face or more of the scene. In addition, for
Web images,
the specialized Background Painter actually allows painting from behind the
heads in the
original scene, effectively erasing them from existence.Version 2.4
expanded background scene selection.
v
v v v v
Have you ever had one of those dreams involving your
grandmother, a colostomy bag, and a garden? Me, either,
but just imagine the possibilities!
v
v v v v
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins,
I used
to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued
by
the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.
One
day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced
myself for
the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered,"The
tooth fairy will never believe this!"
v
v v v v
Click here: Spring 2007
Country Music Preview - March Releases
http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/%5D1k
A Preview of some of the New Country Music that will be released in March
of 2007.
Click on the album cover or artist photo for a preview of their upcoming album
release.
Click here: Top 10 Prom
Songs - 2007
http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/%5D1j
Prom is one of the most significant events from the years in high school. The
music
played at prom may stick with you for a lifetime. This is a list of 10 of the
hottest songs
for making those memories in 2007. A few great suggestions from
Daniel Wolfe
helped round out the list.
Click here: Playa Cofi
http://tropicalglen.com/
Lots of oldies -- REAL oldies here!
v
v v v v
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station.
As I gathered my
equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring
in at me. "Is that
a dog you got back there?" he asked.
"It sure is," I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van.
Finally he said, "What'd he do?"
v
v v v v
The world's oldest new dad has fathered his 21st child
at the age of 90 in India and he says that he plans
to continue procreating for at least another decade.
Meanwhile, Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar of Arkansas
keep breeding away and are now up to17 kids.
The Top 16 Things a Parent With Two Dozen Kids Might Say
16> "I figure another year or two oughtta be enough for her to
spit out Yolanda and Zeke and then we'll finally have the
full set!"
15> "Well, after #18, we started getting strays from the trailer
court up the road."
14> "On your way home, would you please pick up another 55-gallon
drum of Valium?"
13> "Yes, we're ready to order: Twenty-seven kids' meals and fifth
of bourbon, please."
12> "I know you hate hand-me-down dresses from your sister, but
we all have to make sacrifices, David."
11> "The diaper service is here. I'll go warm up the forklift."
10> "Every morning, it's the same routine: Wake up, cook half
a pig and a couple of cartons of eggs for breakfast, dress
them all for school, then spend an hour yelling at my penis."
9> "Just wait till your father remembers your name!"
8> "Hey, wanna see my wife do her impression of a clown car?"
7> "Sweetie, come and help mommy out of her chair. OK, now help
mommy's uterus out of the chair."
6> "Will you kids SHUT THE HELL UP?!?! Your mother and I are
trying to have sex!"
5> "We always use that method -- the problem is Herman's white
and *has* no rhythm."
4> "Is this heaven?"
"No, it's Costco."
3> "Get back to work! Those sneakers aren't going make
themselves!"
2> "Eat all your vegetables, Michael. You know there are starving
children in the family room."
and Topfive.com's Number
1 Thing a
Parent With Two Dozen Kids Might
Say...
1> "Looks like rain. Better park the car in Mom's vagina."
v
v v v v
Click here:
Debsnewsletter - Archives
http://www.debsnewsletter.com/archives.shtml
v
v v v v
A sheep farmer went to a veterinarian. He reported, "My ram keeps
banging his head against the barn."
"The ram probably has jittery nerves. Try playing some music
in the barnyard during the day to calm him," was siggested bu
the veterinarian
Several weeks later, the vet met the farmer. "How's your ram doing?"
"Oh, the ram died."
"Did you play some music for him as I suggested?" the man was
asked by the veterinarian.
"Yes, but it made him worse than ever," replied the farmer.
"What did you play?"
"I played Frank Sinatra singing, 'There Will Never Be Another Ewe.'"
v
v v v v
If loving you is wrong, then baby, it goes a long
way towards explaining the concussion and crushed
left testicle.
v
v v v v
Click here: Put Vista to
Sleep
http://glclk.about.com/?zi=5/3VSb
Sleep is one of the Vista
features you would likely pay little attention to unless you're
something of a computer expert, but it's a feature I think you'll love. It's
a new power
state that quickly saves your session and restores it faster when you're ready
to use the
computer again later. You just push the power button on your computer, and it
enters
Sleep within a few seconds. Push the power button again, and Vista resumes within
just two or three seconds. All your applications and files
are just as you left them, ready to go.
Sleep works by saving your session to your computer's memory, allowing your
computer
to quickly start back up. But Sleep, in contrast to the Standby mode in Windows
XP, also
saves your session to your hard disk to protect against data loss in the event
you lose power.
That may not sound impressive, but I love the quick start from Sleep
combined with the
peace of mind of knowing that my files are secure.
v
v v v v
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted
by a
little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she
asked, "Are you
a cop?"
Yes," I answered and continued writing the report.
"My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that
right?"
"Yes, that's right," I told her.
"Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward
me, "would you please tie my shoe?"
v
v v v v
*submitted by*
ron_stott@yahoo.com
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting
my time,"
she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"
v
v v v v
Click
here: Winston-Salem Journal | Former local resident has
a reminder service that goes to cell phones
http://www.journalnow.com/servlet/Satellite?pagename=WSJ%2FMGArticle%2F
WSJ_BasicArticle&c=MGArticle&cid=1173352153172&path=!business&s=1037645507703
John Hinton is in the business of reminding people.
Hinton, a former Winston-Salem resident, is a co-founder of Mywireless.com,
a small
Internet company that lets consumers send text messages to themselves through
their cellular phones.
The messages can be sent up to five years in advance, turning a user’s cell
phone
into a wireless reminder system, Hinton said.
v
v v v v
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the bottle. During
her struggle the
phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the
minister, Mommy,"
the child said to her mother.. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone
to
talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
v
v v v v
I always cook with charcoal.................the gas comes later
v
v v v v
Click
here: Airline Phone Numbers - Reservations, Flight Information, Customer Service
http://airtravel.about.com/cs/airlines/a/phonenumbers.htm
So you'd like to speak to an actual person that works for the airline? Here
is a list of phone
contacts to get you in touch with the right people. Every effort is made to
keep this list up to
date so please let me know if a phone number is not in service.
Click here: About - 48 Hours
in Las Vegas
http://48hoursinvegas.about.com/
The restaurants, casinos and attractions you shouldn't miss!
Click here: Your World: Travel
& Environment Slide Shows - MSNBC.com
http://g.msn.com/0NL49287/8638
Click here: Top 10 spots for
singles - Destinations - MSNBC.com
http://g.msn.com/0NL49287/8645
Ahh ... the single life. Freedom to do what you want, how you want, when
you want — but
if all that alone time is getting a bit, well, lonely, head to one of the places
we've picked as
tops for singles looking to pair up, hook up, or shack up. Meet your match while
dancing
the tango, have a date with a power-hungry politician-in-training, or head to
a hotel with rates
by the hour — whatever you're into and whoever you're looking for, your chances
of a
successful love match increase with every visit to one of our great-for-singles
destinations.
v
v v v v
CHUNKY GARDEN TOMATO SOUP
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
INGREDIENTS:
1 large onion, thinly sliced
1/3 cup finely chopped celery
3 tablespoons sliced carrots
3 tablespoons unsalted butter
8 large tomatoes, peeled, seeded, chop
8 cups chicken broth
3 tablespoons uncooked rice
1/2 teaspoon salt
thyme, to taste
freshly ground black pepper, to taste
1/3 cup finely chopped fresh parsley
DIRECTIONS:
In a saucepan, saute onion, celery and carrots in butter until
soft but not brown. Add tomatoes and a small amount of chicken
broth. Simmer 20 minutes. In a soup kettle, combine sauteed
vegetables, remaining chicken broth and rice. Season with salt,
thyme and pepper. Simmer 20 to 30 minutes. Serve garnished with parsley.
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Actor Bill Murray was pulled over by Swedish police
early Monday while driving a golf cart through
downtown Stockholm under the influence of alcohol.
The Top 16 Bill Murray Excuses
16> "I'm sorry, officer, but I thought this was Amsterdam.
I get away with all kinds of shit there."
15> "I was chasing this gopher, see..."
14> "Of course I know there's a Swede limit in speedin'!"
13> "What can I say? I have a helluva slice."
12> "Thought I'd troll and flash my pimp cred in case
Elin Nordegren-Woods has an older sister in town. Rowr!"
11> "I'm rehearsing a scene for 'Swedish Meatballs'."
10> "About time you guys showed up! Give me an escort -- there's
a Saab executive who ran out of Tuborg on the 15th tee!"
9> "I'm caddying for Tiger's brother, Norwegian Woods."
8> "I can't take breathalyzer tests -- I'm still full of booze
from my 'Saturday Night Live' days."
7> "This is fun. I've never played a par 47 before."
6> "I was forced to take over the wheel when Bjorn Bork fell
out on the freeway."
5> "Back off, Sven! I'm a Ghostbuster"
4> "Boy, that John Daly can hit a ball. Have you seen a Titleist 4?"
3> "I'm not Bill Murray. I'm my brother, John Murray."
2> "Lord, this is the biggest IKEA ever! Where the heck is the kitchenware?"
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Bill Murray Excuse...
1> "Nobody told me there was a police hazard on this course!"
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I saw a specialty candy store that
carries poultry-flavored lollipops.
Poultry-flavored lollipops?!?
I'm all for variety, but that
cocksucker just sounds nasty!
(Carl Knorr)
By the looks of my latest retirement plan
statement, I've really been taking it in the
ass. Good thing I signed up for a 401(K-Y).
(Keith Carter)
I think I may have breached proper hooker
etiquette when I told her, "Wow! I'll
bet you've done THAT a few times before!"
(Kim Loughran)
Not that I question God's divine wisdom,
but it just seems it would have worked
better if my belly button were the
"innie" and my penis were the "outie."
(Mark D. Sabien)
I wonder if the inventor of the "silent mode"
was laying there with her vibrator, thinking,
"Hey, what if my *cell phone* could do this?"
(Sib Mandrake)
I like my coffee the same way I
like my women: in two enormous cups.
(Jerry L. Embry)
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The Top 7 Creative Tips for Cleaning Kids' Rooms
7> Box it all up for Grandma. She's responsible for most of that
crap anyway.
6> Save yourself the pain: Do *not* look under the bed.
5> Start the week before... before they're born.
4> Seal the windows and depressurize the room just like an air
leak on the space station.
3> Give the local gypsies five minutes to cart off anything that
isn't nailed down.
2> Get the federal government to declare it a disaster zone and
call in the Red Cross.
and the Number 1 Creative Tip for Cleaning Kids' Rooms...
1> Flamethrower!
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Top
Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear From Your New Teacher
"Show of hands...who has a single, slutty mom?"
"I'm gonna learn you all kinds of smart things."
"Daddy is sleepy...wake me at 4."
"Today you'll be dissecting the person sitting next to you."
"Science, scientology, what's the difference?"
"I will learn your names when I sober up!"
"My system is simple...I assign grades by height."
"Anybody need lottery tickets or cigarettes?"
"Sorry I'm late...some bullies threw me into a locker."
"My name is Mr. Parker...but if the feds ask, I'm Mr. Johnson."
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Click
here: Stand O' Food - Windows PC Game Downloads by Absolutist.com
http://absolutist.com/kid_games/stand_o_food/?r=ml20070418&68297
Feed a host of hungry patrons before they leave in a huff at your very own Stand
O'
Food! As people line up at your counter, you'll slap together burgers, bacon
melts and more
as quickly as you can. But, Stand O' Food isn't all about speed; you also have
to plan
ahead to put together the necessary ingredients in the correct sequence. So
start
your own Stand O' Food to satisfy all of your cravings!
Click
here: Birds On A Wire - Windows PC Game Downloads by Absolutist.com
http://absolutist.com/kid_games/birds_on_wire/?r=ml20070418&68297
Birds On A Wire is an action-puzzle game that takes you on a thrilling
adventure across
the world of cute Birds. Explore 3 unique gameplay modes, with 250 mind-blowing
levels
at each mode featuring various power-ups and bonuses. Try to find Big Golden
Bird artifact
to stop the funny birds invasion. Birds will try to distract you by resorting
to various
tricks making you laugh, gladden, surprise and delight!
Click
here: Koi Solitaire
http://www.gamehouse.com/gamedetails/?game=koisolitai&navpage=downloadgames&utm_source=gamehouse-house&utm_medium=email&utm_content=2007-04-12_link5&utm_campaign=newsletter_2007-04-12
Use your Solitaire skills to create gorgeous gardens in this relaxing and fun
new card game.
Grab cards from the conveyor and place them on the game board next to a card
that
ranks one higher or lower. Fill in the board and watch your peaceful garden
bloom to life.
Featuring three fun game modes, unique power-ups, and an original storyline,
Koi Solitaire
is a soothing break that's full of family fun.
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*submitted by*
ron_stott@yahoo.com
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard
the intoning of a prayer
that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates
had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they
had
secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the
disposal
of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers
and with sonorous
dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory
be unto the Faaaather,
and unto the Sonnn .....and into the hole he gooooes."
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*submitted by*
SHYANABUTTONS
When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of
women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn,
you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.
Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman
leaving the stall. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter,
the wait has
been so long you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the
modern "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but
empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one,
but there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your
neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!),
yank down your pants, and assume "The Stance."
In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake.
You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the
seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance."
To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you
discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can
hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the
seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!" Your thighs shake
more.
You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the
one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck,
that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same
time). That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way
possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail
Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work. The door
hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your
chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the
toilet. "Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your
precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your
footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is
wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late.
Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life
form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper -
not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that
your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're
certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because,
frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get."
By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so
confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose
against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that
covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes. The flush
somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the
empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.
At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the
wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper
you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.
You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic
sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk
past the line of women still waiting.
You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the
very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from
your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from
your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you
just might need this."
As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and
left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and
why is your purse hanging around your neck?"
This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restrooms
(rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men
what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly
asked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the
other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex
under the door!
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*submitted by*
Granny B 132
Click here: Over the
Hill, Getting Old, Senior Citizen Humor -
Old age jokes cartoons and funny photos
http://www.pmcaregivers.com/Humor.htm
Lots and lots of humor!
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APPLE CRUMB PIE
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
INGREDIENTS:
4 Johnathan apples
1/2 cup sugar
1 teaspoon cinnamon
1 prepackaged pie shell, thawed
Crumb topping:
1/2 cup sugar
3/4 cup flour
1/3 cup butter
DIRECTIONS:
Cut apples in 1/8 and arrange in a pastry lined pan. Mix
the 1/2 cup of sugar with the cinnamon. Sprinkle over the
apples. Mix all topping ingredients together until crumbly
and spread out over the apples. Bake at 400 degrees for
40-50 min.
Yield: 1 Pie
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The scene is a psychiatrists office. A patient is saying, "Doc
you gotta help me. Im 38 years old and I still wet my bed."
The psychiatrist said, "My good man, that is merely an acting
out of a retarded ego development and a rejection of adult
responsibilities. We can stop you from wetting your bed in two
ways. The first is psychoanalysis; five visits a week, fifty
dollars a visit."
The guy says, "Whats the second way?"
The doctor replies, "Rubber shorts, $2.00 a pair."
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Maybe We Oughta Rename This?
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/adult/805.html
Here
I Suspect...
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/adult/806.html
Here
Boiling Water?
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/adult/807.html
Here
NO, Not That One
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/adult/808.html
Here
Ass Is Grass
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/adult/809.html
Here
Man's Best Friend Goes For A Walk?
http://www.AikensLaughs.com/adult/810.html
Here
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Rockin' and Rollin' makes no endorsement or warranty, expressed or implied,
with regard
to featured products or services. Results may vary based on operating
systems and other variables beyond our control
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Another issue on it's way to YOU! and another one already in the making!
So meet us back
here next week, same time - same place
but remember, no matter where you are or what you are doing,
never,
ever,
EVER
forget to
keep
on rockin'
it's
a state of mind
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©1999 - 2007 - Deborah Austin - All rights reserved and held by Rockin'
and Rollin'
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