Editor:  DebsSweet
Graphic Editors:  Guysbabi, Ditziexx, LuvintheCountry,
  CrispySue, kittykab
Children's Book Editor:  Amanda260
Internet Security Editor:  DebsSweet


 
 



HOT

It's been so hot here lately! Quite a few days with over 100 degree heat and some
humidity that makes it feel much hotter!  I'm so ready for fall!

  We all know someone who has had an interesting life. And they probably have a lot of great stories.
Or, perhaps you have questions for friends or family members. Well, maybe it's time you interviewed them.
StoryCorps can help. It has sound booths where you can interview friends or family.  Find this
link in the SURFIN section below.

Be careful when surfing the Internet.  I have checked EACH link submitted to you and they are in working
order as of this posting.  Always be aware of the risks out there and keep current with your
anti-virus and adware removal software!

If you would like to SIGN UP or BE REMOVED (sure, remove yourself, break my heart
and force me into therapy for life) from this mailing list, please send an email
to me, deb@debsnewsletter.com and your request will be handled promptly.

Kick up your feet and put your problems behind you cause darlin' it's time to ROCK AND ROLL!

and don't  forget to buckle your seatbelts, cause it's going to be a wild ride! 






 


Another great newsletter.  Wait . . . they all are!!
ron_stott@yahoo.com



  v v v v v



           You all stand there, eyes glued to the time
              clock as that last minute creeps by...


    The Top 9 Things Overheard Around the Hospital Time Clock


9> "Did you hear that Karl in Pharmacy is now *charging* for
    Prozac? He'll be dead in a week."

8> "No, the job isn't getting to me! When I say I lost my lunch,
    I mean -- I lost my lunch!"

7> "Wanna come over tonight and play Doctor? No? How about Nurse?
    HUC? Food Service?"

6> "Here, would you mind holding this gauze over that cut and
    pressing hard? It's shift change, and your new nurse should be
    here any minute."

5> "Scotch... Scotch... Scotch... Scotch..."

4> "Hey, did you hear the rumor that we might get a Diazepam Big
    Gulp machine in the kitchen? Sweet!"

3> "Who had Johnson in 48 in the Dead Pool?"

2> "Next old fart who uses that "acute angina" line on me is
    going to find his dentures in his bedpan."


                 and the Number 1 Thing Overheard
                Around the Hospital Time Clock...


1> "Oh jeez, I thought *you* got Murray off the commode!"



   v v v v v



I was setting up a large, cast aluminum, decorative sundial in my
yard that I had purchased from a garden catalog.

A neighbor, an old Florida cracker, was leaning on the fence
watching my progress and asked, "What the heck's that for?"

I explained, "It's a sun dial, see the sun will hit that small
triangular spike and cast a shadow on the face of the sundial. Then,
as the sun moves across the sky, the shadow also moves across the
calibrated dial, enabling a person to determine the correct time."

My neighbor shook his head and muttered,. "Huh, what will they
think of next?"



  v v v v v





  Click here: Summertime Tattoo Advice from Stacey Sharp
http://glclk.about.com/?zi=15/3oF%5B
Ah yes, summer comes along and off goes everyones clothes. Suddenly it seems like everyone has a tattoo
  and those who don't have them want them. These are a few things you may want to think about before you go
  under the needle. Sun and water can be harmful to a fresh tattoo. Please take care of your ink.

  Click here: HumanDescent.com > GALLERY A
http://humandescent.com/VersionNew/galleryA.shtml
Amazing images created with Adobe Photoshop

*submitted by*
Granny B 132
  Click here: Message in a bottle, Oceangram. The free message in a bottle website.
http://www.oceangram.com/index2.html
Welcome to Oceangram TM, the message in a bottle website. It is fun, easy and free.  Enjoy!
You can start using this service immediately, there is no log-in or membership required.
  Click on How to use Oceangram to find out how to use this service.  If you need further help,
please visit the FAQ section.  Remember, never provide personal information about yourself or others in public
  access websites.While you are enjoying sending and receiving messages in bottles, don't forget
  to visit the Oceangram TM Store, where you can find real life message in a bottle Oceangram TM gifts that you can
send to your friends for any occasion, birthdays, holidays, graduations, or simply to say hello.
  The Oceangram TM bottles create memorable impressions, can be customized with your own greeting,
and are simply the best way to express yourself.

  Click here: OurStory.com - Capture your stories, save them permanently.
http://www.ourstory.com/?src=cj_sp_ourstory
Make your timeline about anything -Collaborate with family and friends
Share it with whomever you want - Add your timeline to MySpace or your blog

*submitted by*
SHAYNABUTTONS
  Click here: National Geographic Magazine: Visions of Earth 2007: Photo Gallery
http://ngmnimbus.nimbussoftware.com/ngm/visions-of-earth/visions-of-earth.html
Each month, National Geographic magazine features breathtaking photographs in Visions
of Earth. Browse through this view of the world through a photographer's eye

  Click here: Classic TV Ads: Free Classic Television Commercials
http://www.roadode.com/classicindex.shtml
Check out some really old commercials!

  Click here: Google Notebook
https://www.google.com/notebook
Add clippings of text, images, and links from Web pages to your Google Notebook. Organize your
notes with drag-and-drop features and multiple notebooks. Access your notebook from any computer
and share with everyone (that is, if they are interested). It's another free service from your
Google friends at http://www.google.com/notebook .

  Click here: Storms - tinyvices.com
http://www.tinyvices.com/storms.html
Amazing pictures of storm clouds

  Click here: StoryCorps® - Interview Your Loved Ones
http://www.storycorps.net/
  We all know someone who has had an interesting life. And they probably have a lot of great stories.
Or, perhaps you have questions for friends or family members. Well, maybe it's time you interviewed them.
StoryCorps can help. It has sound booths where you can interview friends or family.
  There may not be a sound booth in your area, though. So there are instructions for recording your interview yourself.
This site will be particularly interesting for genealogists. That’s because it has great interviewing tips.
But I’m sure anyone will find something to like at StoryCorps’ site. For example, I particularly like
  listening to the interviews posted on the site.  kkomando.com
   

   
   v v v v v



Greg and his two friends are talking at the bar one day. His
friend John says, "Guys, I think my wife is having an affair
with the electrician. I came home the other day and found wire
cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."

His friend Sean said, "Well I think my wife is having an affair
with the plumber. I came home the other day and found a wrench
under our bed and it wasn't mine."

Greg said, "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse."
Both of his friends just stared at him.

"I'm serious!" he said. "The other day I came home and found
a jockey under our bed!"



   v v v v v



An old man just had a heart transplant and was getting
instructions from his doctor. He was placed on a strict
diet, denied tobacco and alcohol, and advised to get at
least eight hours sleep a night.

"What about my sex life?" asked the old man "Will it be
all right for me to have intercourse?"

"Only with your wife," said the doctor. "We don't want you
to get too excited."



  v v v v v






Dying Bastard
1/2 oz Line Juice
1 oz Brandy
1 oz Gin
1 dash Bitters
1 oz Rum
1 oz Ginger Ale
Directions
Place all ingredients into a tall glass
over ice, stir, and serve.



Moody Blue
3/4 oz Vodka
3/4 oz Blue Curacao
3/4 oz Peach Schnapps
(Fill to Top) Pineapp;e Juice
Pour above listed ingredients
into a beer mug

   
   
  v v v v v


 
Did you hear about the restaurant that promotes safe sex?
They write the bill on a condom so you can wine and dine
your date, and then stick her with the bill.



  v v v v v



"One evening I came homewith sex on my mind. I figured, let
my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first
move. She went to Florida."



  Rodney Dangerfield



  v v v v v



         One of the most popular plastic surgeries in the       
          U.S., breast enhancement, does not come without        
          its price. Studies have shown that the risk of        
         suicide increases after breast implantation. But       
           there's even more they aren't telling us ...         


          The Top 9 Warnings On the Breast Implant Label        


9> "Have been shown to cause high blood pressure, loss of mental
    faculties, and increased levels of infidelity in men."

8> "Reduces perceived IQ by 30 points."

7> "Implants may affect vision. You will no longer be able to see
    your feet and men will no longer be able to see your face."

6> "An increase in bedsores has been associated with the use of implants."

5> "Jogging with implants larger than 38D increases the risk of
    blunt force trauma."

4> "When used in combination with alcohol, may increase the risk of pregnancy."

3> "Can cause irrational choices in pierced and tattooed partners."

2> "Can result in an acting career that results only in
    low-quality, straight-to-video product with roles no better
    than "Bikini Hot Tub Chick #3"."


    and the Number 1 Warning On the Breast Implant Label...


1> "Bigger boobs attract bigger boobs."



  v v v v v



My kid loves fishing, but he's squeamish, so when the local sporting  
goods store offered a special on the automatic bait machine, I  
thought it'd be great for fishing trips. My wife must've thought so,  
too, considering how loudly she screamed when I told her I was  
bringing home a fifty-dollar hooker for our son.



  v v v v v




by deb


Up High In The Trees
by Kiara Brinkman

"An exquisite debut novel about a family in turmoil told in the startling, deeply affecting
voice of a nine-year-old, autistic boy.  Following the sudden death of Sebby’s mother,
his father takes Sebby to live in the family’s summerhouse, hoping it will give them
both time and space to recover. But Sebby’s father deteriorates in this new isolation, leaving
Sebby struggling to understand his mother’s death alone, dreaming and even re-living moments
of her life. He ultimately reaches out to a favorite teacher back home and to two nearby
children who force him out of the void of the past and help him to exist in the present. In
spare and gorgeous prose buoyed by the life force of its small, fearless narrator, Up High in the
Trees introduces an astonishingly fresh and powerful literary voice"

I had a difficult time putting down this book - it's moving and at times startling.  It's certainly
different than most novels - and seeing life from a young, autistic boy's perspective was
amazing.  It's very sad at times - but definitely worth your time!


  Click here: July 2007 New Book Releases - New & Upcoming
Books - Book Release Calendar - July 2007
http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/apX
July New Book Releases - and yes, I have ordered quite a few of them

  Click here: Book Review - The Science of Harry Potter - a review
of The Science of Harry Potter by Roger Highfield
http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/ant
If you're a fan of Harry Potter, this look at Muggle "magick," known as science, may
well be worth the read. It is enjoyable, though ultimately not incredibly world-shattering,
as is the case with most books written in this vein. Still, a wide range of scientific topics
are covered in an intriguing manner, and it could especially prove appropriate as a means
for introducing a Harry Potter-crazed young person to the wonders that exist in our own
world, without having to take a trip to Hogwarts.



  v v v v v



        The Top 10 Inappropriate Workplace Mascots, Part II      


10> Library: Howler Monkey

9> eHarmony: Toad

8> Ear, Nose and Throat Clinic: Horse

7> Car Wash: Canary

6> Funeral Home: Possum

5> Planned Parenthood: Rabbit

4> Hemophilia Clinic: Vampire Bat

3> Psychiatrist: Mockingbird

2> Sex Therapy Clinic: Hyena


        and the Number 1 Inappropriate Workplace Mascot...


1> Law Office: Mongoose



   v v v v v



The police precinct captain had been ordered to raid the local
bordello, something which was an embarrassment to him and his
men, for they patronized it themselves on occasion.  As a result,
they were friendly with the madam.

The captain therefore rang up the establishment and found that all
the girls, and the madam too, were off on a picnic and that the
place was closed.  There was only the cleaning lady to answer the
phone.  "Listen," said the captain, "pass on this message because
it won't be safe to call again.  Tell the madam that tomorrow we've
got to stage a surprise raid on the place.  When we come, however,
we'll honk the horn, go round the block, honk the horn, go round
the block, honk the horn, then go round the block a third time,
and then we'll come dashing in.  By that time, we want everyone
safely out of the place.  Understand?"

The custodian said she did, but of course, being a typical blonde,
she didn't, and the madam never received the message.

The next day it was "business as usual" at the bordello
establishment.  The police, blissfully unaware of the slip in their
plan, arrived, honked, circled, honked, circled, honked, circled,
and then charged in.

As they dashed up the stairs with the captain at the head, they
collided with two nude girls who were hastening down the stairs
with a mattress between them.  The captain roared, "What the devil
are you two girls doing?"

"Don't blame us!" cried one of the girls indignantly.  "Some asshole
outside is honking for curb service."



  v v v v v


  Click here: Dummies::Tried and Untrue Viruses
http://www.dummies.com/WileyCDA/DummiesTip/id-1327.html
Believe it or not, the amount of harm done by sending false computer virus alarms to
your thousand closest friends can be just as damaging as the alleged virus (if it even
exists!); if you remember the story of the boy who cried wolf, you understand why.
If you think you've got the scoop on the latest new devastating virus, check it out at the Web
sites below before taking it on yourself to alert the world. If the virus is as terrible as you think
it is, odds are the virus fighters already know about it and — good news here! — your antivirus
software provider probably knows about it too and already has an update for it.
Check out virus hoaxes and urban legends at these sites:

Urban Legends and Folklore at About.com
Urban Legends Reference Pages   
   


  v v v v v



The lady lawyer approached the jury box and began an eloquent
plea for her client. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I want
to tell you about this man. There's so much to say that is good:
he never beat his mother; he was always kind to little children;
he never did a dishonest thing in his life; he has always lived by
the golden rule; he is a model of everything decent, forthright,
and honest. Everyone loves him and..." Her client leaned over to
the attorney's assistant and said, "How do you like that babe? I
pay her good dough to defend me, and she's telling the jury about
some other guy!"



  v v v v v



On television my 88 year old stepfather and I saw an attractive
woman wearing an evening gown with leg openings going all the way
up to her waist. "Why do they wear gowns like that?" he asked.

"Maybe that style makes their legs look longer," I speculated.

"No," he said," I think it makes the men look longer."



  v v v v v



*submitted by*
BADVETTE87







  v v v v v



A Hassidic family is most concerned that their 30-year-old son
is unmarried.  They called a marriage broker and ask her to find
their son a good wife.  The broker comes over to their house
and spends a long time asking many questions of the son and his
parents as to what they want in a wife/daughter-in-law.  They give
the broker a long shopping list of requirements.

The marriage broker takes a long time looking and finally asks
to visit the family again.  She tells them of a wonderful woman
she has found.  She says the girl is just the right age for the
son...she keeps a Kosher home...she regularly attends Schul* and
dovens** by heart... she is a wonderful cook... she loves children
and wants a large family and, to crown it all off, she's gorgeous.

After hearing all this, the family is very impressed and begins
to get excited about the prospects of a wedding in the near future.

At this point, however, the son gets the courage and asks,
"Is she also good in bed?"

The marriage broker answers, "That I'm not sure.  Some say
yes...some say no."



  v v v v v



Each new patient at the clinic where I work must fill out a
questionaire asking basic health and personal-history questions.
One query that inevitably gets a "No" answer is, "Do you now use
or have you ever used recreational drugs?"

We were unprepared for the response of a young newlywed who wrote:
"Yes, birth-control pills."



  v v v v v






  Click here: Recipe4Living - Warm Chocolate Cupcakes with Molten Centers
http://www.recipe4living.com/content/view/8776/154/

  Recipe4Living - Dead Man's Legs
http://www.recipe4living.com/content/view/4366/154/

  Recipe4Living - Creamy Apple Pecan Pie
http://www.recipe4living.com/content/view/6325/154/



  v v v v v



I tried to embrace my feminine side, but it filed a
restraining order against me.



  v v v v v



An aging woman in bed with her even more aging husband turns to him.
She says, "I'd like to do it tonight, but I'm afraid my back might
peter out."

He answers, "So would I, but I'm afraid my peter might back out."



  v v v v v



One day the seven dwarfs left to go work in the mine.  Snow White
stayed home to prepare lunch.

When she arrived at the mine with the lunch, she found that there
had been a terrible cave-in.  Tearfully, and fearing the worst,
Snow White began calling out, hoping against hope, that some of
the dwarfs had survived.

"Hello, hello," she called.  "Can anyone hear me?  Hello!"
But there was no answer.

Losing hope, Snow White called again, "Hello.  Is anyone down there?"

Just as she was about to give up all hope, there came a faint
voice from deep in the mine.  The voice said, "Vote for Hillary.
Vote for Hillary."  Snow White, somewhat relieved screamed
out.."Well, at least Dopey's still alive..."



  v v v v v




  Click here: Apple Macintosh OS X Safari - Resetting the Safari Browser
http://glclk.about.com/?zi=5/3URf
If you share your Mac with others, you may want to reset the Safari browser to
maintain your privacy and to optimize the browser for the next user.
Resetting Safari accomplishes the following - (check the site)

   

  v v v v v



Waiting for our aerobics class to begin, several of us were standing
around in our leotards chatting about fitness and diets. One woman
said that her brother-in-law had quit smoking, gone on a diet and
lost weight all at the same time.

Thinking to myself that no human being could possibly do this
without acquiring at least one other undesirable habit for
compensation, I jokingly asked her, "What did he start doing
instead of these things?"

After a slight pause, she smiled and said, "Well, my sister is
pregnant now."



  v v v v v



      The Bride smiled sweetly at the Maid of Honor when they
both overheard the Groom say to the Best Man, "Look, I'm
positive she's a virgin. In fact, if you care to bet, I'll
give you 20 to 1 odds."

When they were alone though, the Bride shouted, "How could
you do such a thing? We're only just married and already you're
throwing money away."



   v v v v v







   v v v v v



*submitted by*
ron_stott@yahoo.com


A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning
his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."

"And why not, darling?"

"You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."



    v v v v v



*submitted by*
ron_stott@yahoo.com


DEEP-DISH APPLE PIE WITH CHEDDAR CRUST   

INGREDIENTS:   
Crust   
2 1/2 cups unbleached all purpose flour    
1/2 teaspoon salt    
1/2 cup chilled solid vegetable shortening, cut into  pieces   
6 tablespoons (3/4 stick) chilled unsalted butter, cut  into   
1/2-inch pieces    
6 ounces extra-sharp cheddar cheese, coarsely shredded   
2/3 cup (about) ice water    
Fruit   
4 pounds Granny Smith apples, peeled, cored, thinly sliced   
2/3 cup raisins    
1/2 cup (packed) golden brown sugar    
1/3 cup plus 2 teaspoons sugar    
3 tablespoons unbleached all purpose flour    
2 tablespoons fresh lemon juice    
3/4 teaspoon ground cinnamon    
1/2 teaspoon ground ginger    
1/4 teaspoon ground nutmeg    
3 tablespoons unsalted butter, cut into small  pieces   
1 egg, beaten to blend with1 tablespoon water (for glaze)   

DIRECTIONS:   
For crust:   
Blend flour and salt in processor. Add shortening and butter   
and cut in using several on/off turns. Add cheese and cut in   
until shortening and butter resemble small peas. With machine   
running, gradually blend in enough water until soft moist   
clumps form. Gather dough into ball; flatten into disk. Wrap   
in plastic and chill at least 2 hours and up to 2 days.   
For fruit:   
Mix apples, raisins, brown sugar, 1/3 cup sugar, flour, lemon   
juice and spices in large bowl. Let stand 30 minutes at room temperature.   
Preheat oven to 400°F. Remove dough from refrigerator and   
let stand 15 minutes. Spoon fruit and any accumulated   
juices into 13x9-inch oval baking dish. Dot fruit with 3 tablespoons
butter. Roll out dough on floured surface to oval about 1/2 inch   
larger than baking dish. Fold in 1/2 inch of edge to form   
double-thick border; crimp. Cut out 1-inch-wide hole from   
center of crust. Using tart pan bottom as aid, lift dough   
and place atop fruit. Tuck in dough around edges.   
Bake pie 15 minutes. Brush crust with egg glaze. Top with   
2 teaspoons sugar. Reduce oven temperature to 375 degrees   
F. Bake pastry until golden, about 35 minutes. Cool on rack   
15 minutes. Serve warm.    
Yield: 8 servings



   v v v v v

  Click here: Flake Foods
http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/%5DRE
Learn about different kinds of foods for your freshwater fish

  Click here: Rabbit Pictures - Featuring Pictures of Pet Rabbits
http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/%5DR8
  Come and see all the lovely bunnies whose pictures grace our photo gallery.
Visitors to the About Exotic Pets site are invited to submit their photos -- instructions
can be found in "How to Submit Photos." More rabbit pictures can be found
in the Rabbit Picture Gallery - Part Three (which is also linked from the end of this
Picture Gallery) Even more rabbit pictures can be found here:
Original Rabbit Picture Gallery (part one)

  Click here: Your Dog’s Record Book
http://www.petplace.com/dogs/your-dog-s-record-book/page1.aspx
Do you keep records for your dogs? If you don't, now is an excellent time to start. It is
important to keep all the information available for your dog in one place and it should
be somewhere in which anyone can find it. In case of an emergency someone
may need to get to the records for your favorite canine.
You never know when something might happen to keep you from your home.
You may have a surprise illness and have a short stay in the hospital or even be
involved in a car accident. There are so many things that we cannot control in
our lives. If something unexpected happens to you will a caretaker have access to your dog's records?
Even if everyone is healthy and safe, the event of a natural disaster may require that
you grab all your records and run. If your dog's records are consolidated in one place,
you won't even have to give this any thought. So check out our handy form. You
can print it, fill it out or use it for a template for your own records. The important
thing is that you have all the information written down and accessible.
 

   
    v v v v v



              You gotta love seeing the magazine ads            
             for dental services with the accompanying           
             picture of the HOT dentist. Some are hot           
                 enough to be movie stars. Hmmmm.               


      The Top 8 Differences If Your Dentist Was a Movie Star    


8> When she's working on you, you are not allowed to look her
    directly into her eyes.

7> During his slow period he can't even get a part as one of the
    five dentists that appear in every toothpaste commercial.

6> "I'm sorry Mr. Johnson, but we need to cancel your
    appointment. Yes, I'm afraid the Doctor is back in rehab again."

5> The hygienist would get 10% of the total charges.

4> No more cheesy toothbrush-and-floss bag -- you'd get a basket
    with Givenchy mouthwash, X-rays in silver frames, and an apple
    from the Harry and David catalogue.

3> Your appointment for the root canal is at 1:00 but that
    doesn't include the hour needed for the doctor to "get into character."

2> There's a bouncer standing next to the dentist chair and the
    chain for your bib is now a velvet rope.


                  and the Number 1 Difference If                
                 Your Dentist Was a Movie Star...               


1> A successful tooth extraction would invariably lead to 6 or 7 sequels.



   v v v v v



One afternoon while my daughters, Cindy and Sally, were selling
lemonade on the front lawn of our apartment complex, a bachelor
acquaintance, whom I hadn't seen for many years, arrived by cab.
After he bought a glass of lemonade from the girls, they opened
the outside door for him and watched to see which apartment he
was visiting.

When Cindy realized it was our door, she volunteered to take him up.

Kyle accepted the offer, but wasn't at all sure he ought to have
when she opened our door and called triumphantly, "Mom, we got
another customer!"



   v v v v v





realsimple.com


10 New Uses for Velcro

Velcro, whose name is a combination of the French words velour and crochet, was
developed in the early 1940s, after Swiss inventor George de Mestral returned home
from a walk with his dog and noticed that pesky cockleburs had stuck to his pants and his
dog’s coat. Examining the burrs under a microscope, de Mestral found the
basis for a unique two-sided fastener — one side with stiff hooks (like the burrs)
and the other with soft loops (like the fabric of his pants).

Use Velcro to:

1. Hang pieces of art or photos on a wall. Stick several strips of Velcro
to the wall and to the back of a lightweight frame.
2. Prevent a jacket or a blouse from gaping open. Sew small pieces of
Velcro between the buttons to create a smooth surface.
3. Keep a rug in place. Stick pieces of Velcro to the floor and to the bottom of the rug.
4. Stop seat cushions from sliding off kitchen chairs. Place strips of Velcro on the chair and on the cushion.
5. Organize toys. Affix a Velcro strip to the wall and Velcro pieces to stuffed animals to make cleanup fun for toddlers.
6. Keep track of the remote. Use Velcro to attach the remote to the side of the TV when it’s not in use.
7. Remove pills from sweaters. Use the hook side of Velcro to pull off pesky balls.
8. Restrain wayward cords. Keep them in one place with a strip of Velcro.
9. Keep a pen or paper handy. Place a small piece of Velcro next to a desk calendar
and on a pen so you can jot down to-dos ASAP. In the car, stick a notepad to the
dashboard or the door of the glove compartment and you’ll always have
paper for a brilliant thought or a last-minute errand.
10. Picnic in peace. Keep a tablecloth from flying away by applying Velcro to
the underside of the cloth and to the picnic table.    



v v v v v



CHICKEN FILLED MANICOTTI  

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  

INGREDIENTS:  
3 (4 ounce) boned, skinned chicken halves, diced  
1 1/2 teaspoon curry powder  
1 1/2 teaspoon paprika  
1/4 teaspoon salt  
1/4 teaspoon pepper  
2 cloves garlic  
1/4 teaspoon chicken bouillon granules  
1/2 cup hot water  
3 tablespoons water  
1 teaspoon oil  
1/2 teaspoon hot sauce  
1 1/2 cups sliced green onions  
1 tablespoon flour  
1/2 teaspoon ground cumin  
8 manicotti shells  
8 ounces plain yogurt  
1 cup chopped tomatoes  

DIRECTIONS:  
Combine Chicken, Curry Powder, Paprika, Salt, Pepper, &  
Garlic Mincedin A Medium Bowl & Toss Well. Cover & Chill  
Mixture 1 Hour. Dissolve Bouillon in Hot Water. Set Aside.  
Coat A Large Skillet With Vegetable Spray & Add Oil & Place  
Over Medium Heat Until Hot. Add Chicken Mixture & Cook 3  
Min., Stirring Constantly. Add Green Onions & Cook 2 Min.  
Stir in Flour & Cook 1 Min. Gradually Add Bouillon Mixture  
& Cook 3 Min. OR Until Thickened, Stirring Constantly. Stuff  
Each Shell With About 1/2 C. Chicken Mixture. Arrange in A  
Baking Dish Coated With Spray. Cover & Bake At 350 For 30  
Min.Combine Yogurt, Tomatoes, Water, Cumin & Hot Sauce in  
a bowl. Spoon Over Manicotti. Serve Warm. 282 Cal. Per 2  
Shells & 1/2 C. Sauce.  

YIELD: 4 Servings  



   v v v v v







   v v v v v



           World's toughest job?  How about being the
        guy who has to put the whoop-ass *into* the can?



   v v v v v



*submitted by*
GuffieBaby


Jose and Carlos are Mexican panhandlers......They panhandle in different areas of town.

Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects 2 to 3 dollars every day.

Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of  $10 bills, drives a Mercedes,
lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of  money to spend.

Carlos says to Jose "I work just as long and hard as you do but how
do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?".

Jose says, .... "Look at your sign, what does it say"?

Carlos sign reads 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'."

Jose says " No wonder you only get $2-3 dollars"

Carlos says... "So what does your sign say"?

Jose shows Carlos his sign......

It reads, "I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico".



   v v v v v







  Click here: Gifts For Gardeners | Gardener Soap | Gardener Hand
Cream | Crabtree Gardeners Hand Products | Crabtree & Evelyn
http://store.crabtree-evelyn.com/home-and-garden-gardeners.html
Wonderful products for gardeners -- and everyone else!

  Click here: Clean Home Journal™ - Gardening
http://www.cleanhomejournal.com/gardening/32-index.asp
  Did you know that cactus is only one family of succulents, a genre of plants
that includes more than 30,000 beautiful and exotic-looking varieties? (What
separates a cactus from other succulents is that it stores water in its stem, rather than
its leaves.) From furry to curvy to spiky, succulents are the perfect
low-maintenance plant for most summer climates (though some actually can
survive winter blasts!). Discover why these desert plants are a great choice for
your patio or windowsill, and learn the best ways to care for them



   v v v v v



After a long and serious operation, Lena ended up in a coma.
Try as they might, the doctors just couldn't bring her out of it.

When her husband Ralph came into the intensive care unit to see
her, the doctors gave him the bad news.  "We just can't wake her.
It doesn't look good, I'm afraid," the doctor told Ralph in a quiet,
somber voice.

Ralph looked at Lena, and with a soft trembling voice, he said,
"But doctor, she's so young.  She's only forty-five."

"Thirty-seven, dammit!" came the weak reply from Lena.



   v v v v v



The best book I bought this year was, "The Doctors'
Book of Home Remedies."

When I put it on the kitchen floor
I can reach the second shelf perfectly.



   v v v v v





Uploading

  You've probably heard this term before in several different places, but do you know
what exactly it refers to? You may have seen it in some of the tips at WorldStart
or maybe you've seen it while working on a Web site.
Either way, here's a quick definition for you!

  Uploading mainly deals with photos, but the term is also used with other files, etc.
Basically, uploading is the transfer of a file from your computer to another system by
means of a modem over telephone or cable lines, depending on your Internet connection type.
You can also upload files from your computer to a server over a
local area network (LAN) or an FTP server.

  Uploading is like the reverse process of downloading. Instead of bringing the file to
your computer, you're sending it off to another system. You can upload files to be
used on personal Web sites, any profile type sites you may be a part of (for example,
MySpace), etc. As long as you have the file saved on your computer, you
can upload it to be seen by more people than just you. It's a really easy way to share
things with your family and friends and it's so simple to do.
  Make sure you keep reading below in today's Q&A section to learn some
basics on how you can start uploading your own files too!

  Erin
worldstart.com
 
 

    v v v v v



Mattel is fighting to prevent a porn model's
website from using Barbie's name, claiming
China Barbie is unfairly benefiting from its
success with the 48-year-old line of dolls.


The Top 15 Barbie Porn Movies
                         

15> Bang the Doll Slowly

14> 101 Caucasians

13> Crouching Barbie, Hidden Nipples

12> The Gimp on the Barbie

11> Sister Act 4: Hello-o-o-o-o, Skipper!

10> Searching for Barbie's Fissure

9> My Fantastic Fur Got a Rise Out of the Silver Surfer

8> Fast Times as Midge Mounts Guy

7> Dirty But Not Hairy

6> Catch Me If You're Ken

5> An Inconvenient Lack of Genitalia

4> Ditz on a Blaine

3> Malibu's Most Wanton

2> Bend-Her


    and Topfive.com's Number 1 Barbie Porn Movie...


1> The No-Vagina Monologues



v v v v v



*submitted by*
BADVETTE87


It's the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up his date,  Peggy Sue.
Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo.
When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and invites him in. "Peggy
Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" she says.
Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do.

Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive in movie.

Peggy Sue's mother responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw?
I hear all the kids are doing  it."

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says "Wha...aaat?"

"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's mother, "We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw; 
why, she'd screw all night if we let her!"

Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has
revised the plans for the  evening.

A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with Her saddle shoes,
and announces that she's ready to go.

Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door while Mom
is saying, "Have a good Evening kids," with a small wink for Harold.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into
the house, slams the door behind her and screams at
her mother:  "Dammit, Mom! The Twist! The Twist! It's called The Twist!"



   v v v v v




   Click here: Video - Food Portion Control
  http://clk.about.com/?zi=1/1Xe&zu=http%3A//home.about.com/z/
cg/vp.htm%3Fch%3Dhealth%26l%3Dhealth/v/5%26ap%3D1
  One of the hardest things about eating a healthy diet is keeping portions under
control. Do you know what one serving of dairy should be?
Find out with Dr. Mona Khanna.

  Click here: 7 Stupid Health Mistakes
http://www.lifescript.com/articles/6208.asp?BID=37555&SID=1629
6412&EID=5C9A4C81-9E5E-4EB9-BC6E-53D879F1A884
Do you constantly go to bed at 1 a.m. and wake up feeling groggy and more tired
than when you finally hit the sack? Or do you insist on being tan in the dead
of winter by using tanning beds? If so, you could be one of many intelligent people
still making stupid health mistakes. If you’re guilty as charged, you should know
exactly what you’re risking and how to make smarter decisions starting today.
Plus: Are you ready to quit smoking? Take our quiz.

  Click here: Do I Have PMS? The Signs and Symptoms of Premenstrual Syndrome
http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/%5By6
Considering that at least three of out of every four menstruating adolescent girls
and adult women have PMS or premenstrual syndrome, there’s a good chance
that you, also, have PMS. Before you can be sure that you have PMS, you need to
journal your symptoms each day for at least two or three months. A diagnosis
of PMS is possible only when both physical and mental or
behavioral symptoms are present.

  Click here: Tips for Everyday Emergencies
http://firstaid.about.com/od/emergencypreparation/tp/07_emergencies.htm
By definition, emergencies happen without warning. Calling 911 can be scary
and overwhelming, especially having uniformed strangers in your home during a
vulnerable time.Knowing what to expect and how to prepare makes any
crisis manageable. Here are steps you can take to plan for any
emergency - from the largest to the smallest.
   


   v v v v v



*submitted by*
BADVETTE87


How did Bill and Hillary Clinton first meet?

They were both dating the same girl in high school.



   v v v v v

    

My daughter Michelle is the commander of a Coast Guard cutter. When
she gave my husband Bob a tour of her ship, he was impressed by
the neatness of all decks.

However, when Bob went to Michelle's house with her, he couldn't
believe the disorganization. "Why is everything in its place on
your ship," he asked, "but your house is such a mess?"

"My house," Michelle replied, "does not take 30-degree rolls."




    v v v v v




  Click here: Abbott & Costello Show - Free Shows - Listen Now!
http://www.freeotrshows.com/otr/a/Abbott_and_costellow_Show.html
If you are a fan of these guys, you'll love this

*submitted by*
GRANDPASAM56
  Click here: Daddy Cut The Big One
http://www.toilette-humor.com/Daddy.html

*submitted by*
jacksinfla@earthlink.net
  Click here: 1-click Award by ???????????????????????
http://www.1-click.jp/
When you click on your mouse, haven't you ever wondered how it works? 
Now,through the miracle of high technology, we can see how it is done.  With the aid
of a screen magnifying lens, the mechanism becomes apparent.
Click on the link below and you will find out. The image may take a minute or two to download and when it appears,
slowly move your mouse over the light gray circle and you will see how th e magic works.



   v v v v v



A scruffy young man was questioned by one of New York's finest
for peddling dirty pictures. "But you're mistaken," said the
kid. "These pictures aren't dirty."

Selecting one, the policeman said, "Do you mean to tell me this
isn't a dirty picture?"

The young man responded, "Don't be such a prude, officer!
Haven't you ever seen five people in love?"



    v v v v v



After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date, the young
lady decided she had been stood up. Exasperated, she changed from
her dinner dress into pajamas and slippers, fixed some popcorn
and resigned herself to an evening of TV.

No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV than her door
bell rang. There stood her date. He took one look at her and gasped,
"I'm two hours late - and you're still not ready?"



   v v v v v

   Click here: Debsnewsletter - Archives
  http://www.debsnewsletter.com/archives.shtml




    v v v v v



My father was completely lost in the kitchen and never ate unless
someone prepared a meal for him.

When Mother was ill, however, he volunteered to go to the
supermarket for her.  She sent him off with a carefully numbered
list of seven items.

Dad returned shortly, very proud of himself, and proceeded to
unpack the grocery bags.  He had one bag of sugar, two dozen eggs,
three hams, four boxes of detergent, five boxes of crackers,
six eggplants, and seven green peppers



    v v v v v



"Do you know what is the difference between a bad marksman and a
constipated owl?"

"No... what?"

"A bad marksman shoots and shoots and never hits. A constipated
owl hoots and hoots and never...."

"Never mind, buddy -- I got the picture!!"




    v v v v v







  Click here: Dummies::Fine-Tuning the Search Feature in Windows Vista
http://www.dummies.com/WileyCDA/DummiesArticle/id-4381.html?cid=etipArticleLink
The Search feature in Windows Vista has two dirty secrets. First, Vista doesn't
index every file on your PC. Although that keeps your searches fast, it also
means you may not be able to retrieve a particular file. Second, Vista's index deteriorates
with age, just like a rusty car. This article shows you how to solve both problems


    v v v v v



Brandon, my grandson was working at a pet store that offered free
replacement fish to any that die.  A lady called and stated that
her hamster had died.

The salesperson who answered the phone misunderstood her, thinking
it was a fish, told her, "Place it in a plastic bag with water
and return it so it can be replaced."

The lady followed instructions to a T and brought her dead
hamster in a bag of water and handed to my grandson and said,
"My hamster died."

Laughing he replied, "Was that before or after you placed it in
the bag of water?"



    v v v v v



  Time heals all wounds. Well, except for the gaping
hole my ex-girlfriend gouged in my heart when she
left me 6 years, 4 months, 3 days and 2 minutes ago.



    v v v v v



Two rabbis, one Reformed and the other Orthodox, were discussing
their respective congregations one day.

The Reformed rabbi asked the Orthodox leader, "Why don't you let
the men and women of your congregation sit together, as they do
in my temple?"

The Orthodox rabbi, known for his sense of humor, replied, "If you
want to know the truth, I don't really mind them sitting together
at all. But, you see, my sermons aren't that interesting and I
just can't have them sleeping together"



    v v v v v







    v v v v v



Elizabeth Edwards is speaking out again. She says the problem with
her husband's fundraising campaign is she can't make him black,
and she can't make him a woman. That's the same problem with
Michael Jackson's people. 



Jay Leno




    v v v v v



There was a guy in New York who got arrested for smuggling a monkey
onto a plane. I can't get four ounces of shaving creme onto a
plane! How's he get monkey on there?



Craig Ferguson



v v v v v







  Click here: PC World - YouTube Coming to LG Cell Phones
http://www.pcworld.com/article/id,134118-c,cellphones/article.html
  The ability to view and upload videos to YouTube is coming to some LG Electronics Inc. cell phones later this year.
The service will allow users to shoot video on their handsets and send it directly to
the popular online video site, LG said in a statement. The first phones with the ability
to do this will be available worldwide "at the end of the year."

  Click here: Live TV on cell phones better than you'd expect - Newsday.com
http://www.newsday.com/news/columnists/ny-ettube0702,0,2420247.column?coll=ny-news-columnists
Live TV finally comes to cell phones -- full-length on-air programs in full-motion
video, with an interactive program guide, without annoying "buffering" lags,
and with the ability to instantly surf channels.
Channels from industry titans like CBS, NBC, Fox, MTV and ESPN.
It sounds too good to be true. But it's better than you'd expect. Verizon's new V CAST
Mobile TV service -- newly available around New York City and other major metro
areas -- is light years ahead of Verizon's V CAST clip streams and Sprint's PowerVision
TV I tested last year. Verizon Mobile TV finally makes real television broadcasts
portable in a convenient, efficient way. It really does replicate
the in-home viewing experience.

   
   
     v v v v v



             We know that in most parts of the world             
             cicadas appear annually. But in parts of            
               the U.S. they only appear once every              
            seventeen years, proving that if you want            
              to get noticed, timing is everything.              


                The Top 8 Uses for 17-Year Cicadas               


8> If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, forget it! They're still
    jailbait for another year.

7> They go well with 20-year-old scotch.

6> An environment-friendly substitute for Styrofoam packing peanuts.

5> Very little, same as every other 17 year old.

4> Long-term alarm clocks to remind lazy parents when they have
    to get their kids ready for college.

3> Six or so stuffed into an empty beer bottle make a wonderful
    white-noise sleep aid.

2> Suspects will confess within minutes of being locked in an
    interrogation room filled with deputized cicadas.


    and the Number 1 Use for 17-Year Cicadas...


1> Does it have to be trick *or* treat? Can't it be both?



v v v v v



*submitted by*
jacksinfla@earthlink.net


      Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago and her
daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into
thedating world.

Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom! I have someone for you to meet."

         Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and
after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont.

         Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she
stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties. He was in
his birthday suit.

         Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"

         She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to
explore but down there I am still mourning." He knew he was not
getting lucky that night.

         The following night was the same. She stood there wearing
the black panties and he was in his birthday suit but now he was wearing
a black condom.

         She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"

         He replied, "I want to offer you my deepest condolences!"

 

v v v v v




  Click here: Discover Mexico vacation packages for every taste - SmarterTravel.com
http://www.smartertravel.com/travel-advice/discover-mexico-vacation-packag
es-for-every-taste.html?id=2306738&source=specialreport&value=2007-02-12&u=SL44604665
Mexico offers an endless array of vacation possibilities. Adventure activities? Check.
Cuisine to fire up your taste buds? Covered. Historic culture, ruins, and artifacts? All
are here. And there are countless beaches, too, for those who want a low-key vacation
focusing on sun, surf, and relaxation. Here are five getaways to satisfy all types of travelers.

Check Online Weather Resources as You Travel Plan

Ants and  mosquitoes can ruin a good picnic, but that's nothing
compared to what a  vigorous storm can do to a weekend at the
beach. Before you leave for that  dream vacation, check out these
Web sites to see what kind of weather you  will encounter:

*    AccuWeather: While you are deciding  whether to pack a
sweater or a t-shirt, sunblock or an  umbrella, pay a visit to AccuWeather
[ http://home.accuweather.com/index.asp?partner=accuweather  ].
By entering a city or zip code, you can find out what meteorologists think the
weather will be for the  coming week at your destination. You can also choose a state
and watch a satellite animation showing changes in the weather.

*    National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration: From
this Web site [  http://www.noaa.com/ ], you can get
long-term forecasts, eight days in advance.

*    USA Today Online Weather Almanac: For travel planning,
this site offers monthly climate data for cities the
world over. Go here
[ http://www.usatoday.com/weather/wresources.htm ]  to
find out what the average monthly high and low
temperatures, rainfall, and snowfall are in a vacation
spot that you are eyeing.

Explore all things Internet-related with The Everyday Internet
All-in-One Desk  Reference For Dummies
[  http://www.dummies.com/WileyCDA/DummiesTitle/product
Cd-0764588753.html?cid=etipBookLink  ],
by Peter Weverka.



v v v v v



Van Halen have announced they are getting back together. They
will start touring on September 27. On September 28, they will
realize that David Lee Roth is a pain in the ass, and they will
break up again.



v v v v v



The movie "Stardust" opens today. It's movie about a group of
angry witches. It's like a very long episode of "The View."



Craig Ferguson



v v v v v







v v v v v



I came up with a great cardio routine that's
action-packed, always different and never gets boring. I
call it "Kick a Stranger."



v v v v v



My pet goldfish was sick, so I decided to take him to the vet -- but unfortunately,
he died on the way there.

Maybe I should have put a few more air holes in the box.



v v v v v



SHRIMP WITH SNOW PEAS & WATER CHESTNUTS  

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  

INGREDIENTS:  
12 pound shrimp, peeled and split lengthwise  
Pinch salt  
2 tablespoons dry sherry wine  
Oil, for stir-frying  
1 tablespoon minced fresh ginger  
1/2 pound snow peas, stems and strings removed  
1/2 cup sliced water chestnuts (preferably fresh)  
1 tablespoon soy sauce  
1/2 teaspoon cornstarch, dissolved in 1/4 cup water or stock  

DIRECTIONS:  
Toss shrimp with salt; add wine; marinate for 20 minutes to  
several hours. Drain shrimp and reserve marinade. Heat wok  
over high heat; add oil. Add ginger, stir-fry until fragrant,  
and add shrimp. Stir-fry until shrimp are mostly opaque (2 to  
4 minutes, depending on size). Add snow peas and water  
chestnuts; stir-fry  until just heated through. Add reserved  
marinade, soy sauce, and cornstarch mixture. Bring to a boil  
and cook until sauce thickens. Serve immediately with rice.  

Yield: Serves 4 to 6 with other dishes.  



v v v v v






Boy, there's just no good way to surf
Internet porn while riding a bicycle.
  (Jeffrey Anbinder)


Last week I had such a bad case of
intestinal distress, I ended up lying on
the bathroom floor in the fecal position.
  (Pam Howell)


If it weren't for mixed metaphors, I
wouldn't have two shits to rub together.
  (Carl Knorr)
 

My wife doesn't seem to like it when I
tell people that we've been trying to get
pregnant for over a year. More specifically,
she doesn't like it when I say "flappingly
fucking like two rabid, sweat-frothy bats."
  (Mark D. Sabien)



v v v v v



*submitted by*
BADVETTE87


A Baptist preacher and his wife decided to get a new dog.
Ever mindful of the congregation, they knew the dog must also be a Baptist.
They visited kennel after kennel and explained their needs.

Finally, they found a kennel whose owner assured them he had just the dog they wanted.
The owner brought the dog to meet the pastor and his wife.

"Fetch the Bible," he commanded.

The dog bounded to the bookshelf, scrutinized the books, located the Bible,
and brought it to the owner. "Now find Psalm 23," he commanded.

The dog dropped the Bible to the floor, and showing marvelous dexterity with
his paws, leafed through and finding the correct passage, pointed to it with his paw.

The pastor and his wife were very impressed and purchased the dog.

That evening, a group of  church members came to visit. 
The pastor and his wife began to show off the dog, having him locate several Bible verses.
The visitors were very impressed.
One man asked, "Can he do regular dog tricks, too?"

"I haven't tried yet," the pastor replied.
He pointed his finger at the dog. "HEEL!" the pastor commanded.

The dog immediately jumped on a chair, placed one paw on the pastor's forehead and began to howl.

The pastor looked at his wife in shock and said, "Good Lord! He's Pentecostal!"
 


    v v v v v




  Click here: NewsBreaker
http://www.newsbreakergame.com/
  These days, there are plenty of news junkies. You know who you are: You check the headlines throughout the day.
Despite our desire to keep up, we don’t think of the news as fun. It’s a way to stay informed.
Well, MSNBC has put an entertaining twist on the news. Stop by its site
to play NewsBreaker. That’s right – the news is now a game!
You’ll be reminded of the classic video game Pong. The goal is to break down a
wall with a ball. As you do this, headlines will fall. Catch the headlines to earn more points.
Of course, headlines alone won’t satisfy your craving for news. So, you can link to the
news stories that you catch. Just remember to pause the game first.

  Click here: Belle's Beauty Boutique
http://www.gamehouse.com/gamedetails/?game=bellesbeau&navpage=downloadgames&utm_source=gamehouse-house&utm_medium=email&utm_content=2007-04-19_link2&utm_campaign=newsletter_2007-04-19
Clip, clean, and color a crazy cast of characters in this fast-paced frenzy of fun. Help
Belle, an aspiring beautician, keep her customers relaxed and looking their best by
supplying them with a wide array of salon offerings. Soothing music and spa treatments
are sure to keep your clients calm, but you and Belle will have to be quick on
your feet to earn enough money to make Belle's dreams come true. Pamper yourself
today with this unique challenge that's full of colorful fun - you deserve it!

  Click here: Puzzle Detective
http://www.gamehouse.com/gamedetails/?game=puzzledete&navpage=downloadgames&utm_source=gamehouse-house&utm_medium=email&utm_content=2007-04-19_link5&utm_campaign=newsletter_2007-04-19
Bust an international crime ring and recover stolen diamonds in this brain-bending
puzzler that's full of crime-fighting fun! Swap items to make groups of three or
more and reveal hidden clues. Then use the clues to finger the suspect, track him
down, and catch him red-handed. Featuring loads of challenging levels, an original
storyline starring crazy characters, and gorgeous full-screen graphics, Puzzle
Detective is a globe-trotting mystery for puzzle players everywhere.



    v v v v v



As the plane was flying low over some hills near Athens, a lady asked the
stewardess,  "What's that stuff all over those hills?"

"Just snow," replied the stewardess.

"That's what I thought," said the lady, "but this fellow in front of me said
it was Greece." 



    v v v v v



*submitted by*
BADVETTE87


An anxious  woman goes to her doctor. "Doctor," she asks nervously,
"can you get  pregnant from anal intercourse?"

"Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where  do you think lawyers come from?"



    v v v v v

*submitted by*
GRANDPASAM56
  Click here: ...::: You'll See :::...
http://www.foxy-productions.com/YoullSee.html

2.   Click here: •—• I Need You Tonight •—•
http://www.confusedcreations.net/need_you_tonight.html

*submitted by*
Wdavisga
  Click here: ~Two~hearts~
http://www.tennhills.com/TwoHearts.htm



     v v v v v



          Universal healthcare. Spending would decline,
          neonatal mortality would drop, and there would
           be increased access to healthcare providers
              for everyone. But there will be *some*
             unexpected problems with such a system.


     The Top 7 Unforeseen Problems with Universal Healthcare


7> In the event your doctor's overbooked, you might wind up being
    treated by extras from "Grey's Anatomy" spin-offs.

6> Quicker care means fewer days off for blue collar workers.

5> Quacks, charlatans, Scientologists and faith healers would all
    be put out of business, and the rolls of the unemployed would skyrocket.

4> It would strike a horrifying, destructive blow to the
    Republican party political agenda.

3> Unemployed health insurance executives will be forced to roam
    the streets seeking handouts.

2> The alarming drop in neonatal mortality would strain our
    already overburdened school systems, resulting in even more of
    the kind of empty-headed idiocy that makes people fear
    universal healthcare.


               and the Number 1 Unforeseen Problem
                   with Universal Healthcare...


1> First of all, there's the overall cost of Universal Health
    Care. You've got all the Martians and Venusites, plus the
    expense of treating every extraterrestrial with a pair of sore
    throats, and don't even get me started on the number of
    proctologists needed for Uranus.



     v v v v v



A cat swallowed a ball of yarn.  It didn't seem like much at first,
but... suddenly she started growing.  No, I do not mean BIGGER,
I mean WIDER!

This continued for the usual 9-week gestation period.  Every week,
she was bigger.  There is no polite way to say it!  Nothing like
this had ever happened before!

Then -- one morning, about three AM, she suddenly had a litter of mittens!



    v v v v v


*submitted by*
lg1@tampabay.rr.com


A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students
of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three
times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment
that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into
the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had
various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.

"Well," he said, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to
read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to
slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my Holy Water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother
of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week
to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in
casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed,
"WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle!

I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's
HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and
we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another
until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul.
And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent
the rest of the day praising Jesus."

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a
hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in
and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said, "Looking back on it, circumcision may
not have been the best way to start."



    v v v v v





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My problem is that I'm a relatively naive computer user and have -- for some
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A friend told me that Norton tends to configure a PC to best meet their own
specifications, and that this causes periodic corruptions. Can you point me
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a security package, as in what basics do I need? Freeware would be great,
but I'm willing to pay in exchange for my inexperience. Any information
be greatly appreciated. "

The response:

http://go.infopackets.com/e20070313-05



v v v v v


*borrowed from*
shinyhappyyhead.com


One day, long, long ago there was this man who, surprisingly, was not full of shit........     
But this was a long time ago..... and it was just ONE day! 


The End 



v v v v v



*submitted by*
lg1@tampabay.rr.com


Two Older Gentlemen, Roger and Chuck, met in their park every day to feed
the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Roger didn't show up.  Chuck didn't think much about it and figured
maybe he had a cold or something.  But after Roger hadn't shown up for a
week or so, Chuck really got worried.

However, since the only time they ever got together was at their park, Chuck
didn't know where Roger lived, so he was unable to find out what had
happened to him.

A month had passed, and Chuck figured he had seen the last of Roger.  But
one day, Chuck approached the park and lo and behold there sat Roger!

Chuck was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.  Then he said,
"For crying out loud Roger, what in the world happened to you?"

Roger replied, "I have been in jail."

"Jail?" cried Chuck. "What in the world for?"

"Well," Roger said, "you know Judy, that cute little waitress at the coffee
shop where we sometimes go?"

"Yeah," said Chuck, "I remember her.  What about her?"

"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me and, at 89 years old, I was
so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded guilty.

And ..the Judge gave me 30 days for perjury."



     v v v v v





*submitted by*
DeVulcano
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    v v v v v



Pauly and Maury were in the bar...again. Talking about
their favorite subject:  their conquests.

"Me,  I'm partial to Southern girls," said Maury. "They
talk so slowly, ever so slowly. When they finish telling
you all about their past, why, you're already a part of it!"



    v v v v v



A man decides to join the circus. He shows up to demonstrate  
his skills to the impresario.  

"I have the most unusual act," he announces. "I'm sure it  
will amaze you."  

He proceeds to climb a tall tower, and jumps off. He flaps  
his arms wildly, and finally his fall slows. He soars forward,  
then swoops upward, turns and swoops back again. Finally he  
stops in mid air and gently lowers himself to the ground.  

The impresario stares blankly at him for a long time. Finally  
he says, "Is that all you've got?  Bird imitations?"   



    v v v v v






v v v v v



A fellow was walking along a country road and came upon a farmer working in his field.
The man called out to the farmer and asked how long it would take him to get
to the next town.

The farmer didn't answer. So, after waiting a bit, the fellow started walking again.

After the man had gone about100 yards, the farmer yelled, "About 20 minutes."

Confused, the man turned back toward the farmer and inquired,
"Why didn't you tell me that when I asked you?" 

"Well," said the farmer, "I didn't know how fast you could walk." 



    v v v v v



When I was passing through a small town near a state border, the driver 
noticed a sign at a gas station:  It read "Last Chance to Buy $2.97 Per Gallon
Gas.  State Line only 15 Miles." 

He had his tank filled, then asked, "How much is gas across the line?"

Replied the Exxon attendant, "There, it's $2.75 per gallon."



     v v v v v






  Click here: About.com: http://www.highwaysafety.org/
http://clk.about.com/?zi=1/XJ/Ya&sdn=cars&cdn=autos&tm=212&gps=200_4
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The Insurance Institute for Highway Safety is an independent, nonprofit, scientific
and educational organization dedicated to reducing the losses — deaths,
injuries, and property damage — from crashes on the nation's highways.
The Highway Loss Data Institute's mission is to compute and publish insurance loss
results by make and model. Both organizations are wholly supported by auto insurers.

  Click here: News and photos from the latest auto shows
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3A//cars.about.com/od/autoshows/Auto_shows.htm
The latest news on auto shows!

   

     v v v v v



A priest rushed from church one day to keep a golf date. He was
halfway down  the first fairway, waiting to hit his second shot,
when he heard the familiar "FORE!" and a ball slammed into his back.

Soon the golfer who had made the drive was on the scene to offer
his apologies. When the priest assured him that he was all right,
the man smiled.

"Thank goodness, Father!" he exclaimed. "I've been playing this
game for forty years, and now I can finally tell my friends that
I've hit my first holy one!"



    v v v v v



Q: Why is sex with your spouse like a convenience store?

A: There's not much variety, but what else is open at
three in the morning.



    v v v v v






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on ZDNet | Shareware, Trialware, Evaluation Softwa
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  Is your PC still starting up slowly? Remember the day when you bought your new PC
with Windows installed? It was lightning fast. It took only about ten seconds to boot.
When you opened the Start menu or the load/save file dialogs, they showed up instantly.
But, after a year of heavy use, you now realize that your PC has some serious
performance issues. It takes more and more time to boot each time you
start it. Version 2.3 adds spyware detector.

  Click here: My Privacy Demo (exe), from Smart PC Solutions - Free
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My Privacy Demo probes the confidential information stored on your computer on
its vulnerability to unauthorized access by hackers. The software finds all personal information
and suggests its unrestorable erasure. My Privacy Demo also evaluates the level of your
privacy protection and proposes ways to maximize it. Always keep on the safe side.

  Click here: Smart Fat Recovery (exe), from Smart PC Solutions - Free
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http://ct.zdnet.com/clicks?t=34154645-806f0115a755e77dbd661609f3a0db00-bf&s=5&fs=0
  Smart FAT Recovery is a data recovery tool for Windows operating system that
supports the FAT 12/16/32 file system. The software easily recovers data from hard
disks, digital cameras, and any type of storage media - flash drives, USB drives, memory
stick, PC card, multimedia card, secure digital card and diskette. Smart FAT
Recovery can recover any deleted files, including MS Office files, photos and mp3 even
if the partition table is lost. Version 3.2 may include unspecified
updates, enhancements, or bug fixes.



     v v v v v



A friend was complaining that her boyfriend would not say  
"I love you," even if explicitly asked to do so. The only  
exception, she said, was when they were in fact in the act  
of making love. Then, if asked, he would say the sacred words.  

I suggested that she should not take too much comfort in the  
exception. When making love, I explained, men will say anything.  

"He'd tell you he's the Easter Bunny if that's what he thinks  
you want to hear," I told her. The conversation rattled on from there.  

A couple of weeks later, she related the following. "We were  
in bed, making love and I said, 'Tell me you love me'."  

He said, "I love you."  

I said, "Tell me you're the Easter Bunny."  

He stopped for a second, and said, "I'm the Easter Bunny."  

"So I slapped him."  

The poor guy probably still doesn't know what happened.  



    v v v v v



Microbiology Lab:  Staph Only!



    v v v v v





Sad Songs Say So Much


  Nokia UK commissioned music and physiology "expert" Dr. Harry Witchel to scientifically determine the world's saddest,
happiest, and most exhilarating songs. (This shouldn't piss people off.) So, Dr. Smarty Pants, how did you
  "scientifically" measure sadness? Witchel determined listeners' "'tune trigger quotient,' measuring heart rate, respiratory
  response and skin temperature to find the saddest, happiest and most exhilarating tracks"

To measure "happy," Witchel wanted a high number of sighs and a low level of boredom. "Sad" tunes were identified
by decreased heart rate, and "exhilarating" by a spike in breaths per minute. And the good doctor let us in on the
recipe for an emotional tune:  Music is undeniably powerful at triggering different emotional states. Changes in tempo and
frequencies induce profoundly different emotional states.

Here are his laboratory results: 

Happy

1. "LDN" - Lily Allen
2. "Dancing Queen" -  ABBA
3. "Shiny Happy People" - R.E.M. 
Exhilarating
1. "Song 2" - Blur
2. "Love Machine" - Girls  Aloud
3. "Somebody Told Me" - The Killers

The findings on the  sad songs were more thoroughly reported. Said Witchel: 
A slow tempo song like the Verve's The Drugs Don't Work slows down the heart compared to most of the other
songs and compared to white noise - in other words, it works like the emotional state of sadness.
Here's the Top 10 (http://www.rollingstone.com/rockdaily/index.php/2006/12/11/what-is-the-saddest-song-ever-written/)

Sad

1. The Verve - "The Drugs Don’t Work"
2. Robbie  Williams - "Angels"
3. Elton John - "Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word"
4. Whitney Houston - "I Will Always Love You"
5. Sinead O’Connor -  "Nothing Compares 2 U"
6. Will Young - "Leave Right Now"
7. Elvis  Presley - "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
8. Christina Aguilera -  "Beautiful"
9. James Blunt - "Goodbye My Lover"
10. Radiohead - "Fake Plastic Trees"



    v v v v v


 
Teacher turns to her class and says "Today class, we are going to pick
out some BIG words and use them in a sentence. Jenny would you like to go first?"

"Yes Ma'am. Hypocrite. That boy was a hypocrite. He said it was not ok
to go out side and play. Then he went out to play"

"Very Good Jenny!"

Little Johnny jumps up in the back of the room waving his
hands. "Yes Johnny"

"I have a big one!" He exclaimed.

Sighing the teacher holds her hands together and prays silently, "Go
ahead Johnny" she says.

"Harassment! " says Little Johnny, "Her mouth said NO, but harassment yes!"



    v v v v v


 
 
 


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v v v v v

 

Rockin' and  Rollin' makes no endorsement or warranty, expressed or implied, with regard
to featured products or services.  Results may vary based on operating
systems and other variables beyond our control


v v v v v



Another issue on it's way to YOU! and another one already in the making!  So meet us back
here next week, same time - same place

but remember, no matter where you are or what you are doing,
never,
ever,
EVER
forget to

keep on rockin'
it's a state of mind



v v v v v

©1999 - 2007 - Deborah Austin -  All rights reserved and held by Rockin' and Rollin'

v v v v v

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