Editor:
DebsSweet
Graphic Editors: Guysbabi, Ditziexx, LuvintheCountry,
CrispySue, kittykab
Children's Book Editor: Amanda260
Internet Security Editor: DebsSweet
HUH?
Popcorn bacon!? The newest thing and you'll find out all about it in the
RECIPE
section below!
A recent poll alleges that a majority of Americans admit to picking their noses
in public. Although not socially
accepted, nose picking can , at times, be necessary. YES, I have the perfect
site just for you! How to pick your
nose inconspicuously!! Find it in the SILLIES section! Damn I am
good to y'all
Be careful when surfing the Internet. I have checked EACH link submitted
to you and they are in working
order as of this posting. Always be aware of the risks out there and keep
current with your
anti-virus and adware removal software!
Are you constantly downloading programs and putting new items on your computer?
If so, have you ever noticed that
most of those download files go straight to your desktop? And after you realize
that, have you ever wondered
why they do that? I mean, why is the desktop such a popular place? The
answer is in
the COMPUTER PROBLEMS section.
If you would like to SIGN UP or BE REMOVED (sure, remove yourself, break my
heart
and force me into therapy for life) from this mailing list, please send an email
to me, deb@debsnewsletter.com and your request will be handled promptly.
Kick up your feet and put your problems behind you cause darlin' it's time to
ROCK AND ROLL!
and don't forget to buckle your seatbelts, cause it's going to be a wild
ride!
"Deb, as always, your newsletter was the highlight of my week"
ron_stott@yahoo.com
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The Top 8 Signs You're Not Ready to Own a Pet
8> Your regular house-sitter? Mike Vick.
7> The ASPCA and U.S. Geological Survey had to step in to rescue
your pet rock.
6> Two domestic violence arrests for spanking the monkey.
5> Your basement is filled with the rotting corpses of the people
your last gerbil ordered you to eliminate.
4> You want to know which of the "working breeds" knows how to
mow grass.
3> Your doggie-door has a keycard entry system.
2> The only vet you're likely to spend money on is cherry red
with beige leather interior and a removable sunroof.
and the Number 1 Sign You're Not Ready to Own a Pet...
1> You ask the pet shop owner if he's got any of those
un-separated Siamese cats.
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I got a spam e-mail the other day that said,
"Try Colon Cleansing At Home!" Great idea, but if I'd
just received it a day earlier,
I wouldn't have been booted from the car wash.
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"Near this spot are deposited the remains of one who possessed Beauty without
Vanity, Strength without
Insolence, Courage without Ferocity, and all the Virtues of Man, without
his Vices. This Praise, which would be unmeaning
Flattery if inscribed over human ashes, is but a just tribute to the Memory
of Boatswain, a Dog." George Gordon, _Lord Byron_
(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lord_Byron) about his Newfoundland.
Decorating
Your Saltwater Aquarium
Just how you aquascape (that is, underwater landscape) your
saltwater aquarium is entirely up to you as long as you take into
account the following basic rules.
* Don't put anything into the tank unless you're positively sure
it won't harm your fish. The best way
to ensure this is to avoid collecting your own decorations.
Buy them instead from a reputable dealer.
* Make an effort to give your aquarium creatures some creature
comforts, such as caves and crannies.
* Don't overstuff your aquarium with decorations. The most important
element in the tank is water. Every
piece of rock or coral you put in the tank will displace
water and space, and your pets need both. In
general, cover only about 50 to 60 percent of the bottom
of your tank.
* Stick with calcareous ornamentation whenever possible. This just
means that the decorations are calcium-based,
such as coral and dolomite. This will help stabilize the
chemistry of the water, which needs to be alkaline.
* When you stack rocks and other ornamentation, make sure the structure
is stable. Rocks, by definition, are
heavy, and you don't want one changing the décor
in your living room. A good rule is to make the base of
structure as wide as it is high.
* Take the time before you buy to design the décor of
your aquarium. Sit down with a pencil and paper and
draw it. Get creative, pulling ideas from books and public
displays, and then try to make it a reality.
Saltwater Aquariums For Dummies
[ http://www.dummies.com/WileyCDA/DummiesTitle/productCd-0470068051.html?cid=etipBookLink
],
by Gregory Skomal, PhD, is just the ticket toward setting up your
tank, selecting fish, and keeping your saltwater selections healthy.
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A five-year-old boy was mowing his front lawn and drinking a beer.
The preacher who lived across the street saw the beer and came over to
harass the kid.
"Aren't you a little young to be drinking, son?" he asked.
"That's nothing," the kid said after taking a swig of beer. "I got laid when
I was three."
"What? How did that happen?"
"I don't remember. I was drunk."
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What do a clitoris, an anniversary and a toilet have in common?
Men usually miss them.
THE REASON WHY:
Women keep you in the dark about the location of
the first one, and they will only hint about the date
of the second one...so all that aggravation gives you
the shakes, so of course you're gonna miss the toilet!!
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The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity
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10
New Uses for Baking Soda
Baking soda, or sodium bicarbonate, first hit the mass market in 1846, when
Dr. Austin Church and John Dwight began
selling their red-labeled soda packages. “Not only does baking soda neutralize
odiferous fatty acids but it also attacks grease
by turning it into — believe it or not — soap,” says the University of Pittsburgh’s
Wolke. Fact: More than 100 tons of the
refrigerator staple were used to clean the Statue of Liberty’s inner copper
walls during its 1986 restoration.
Use Baking Soda to:
1. Exfoliate skin. Wash your face, then apply a soft paste made of three
parts baking soda and one part
water. Massage gently with a circular motion, avoiding the eye area; rinse clean.
2. Erase crayon, pencil, ink, and furniture scuffs from painted surfaces.
Sprinkle
soda on a damp sponge, rub clean, and rinse.
3. Unclog a drain. Pour 1/2 to 1 cup of baking soda down the drain, then
slowly pour 1/2 to 1 cup of white vinegar after it.
Let sit for five minutes (covered, if possible). Follow with a gallon of boiling
water.
4. Remove tough stains from enameled cast iron and stainless steel. Scrub
enameled cast iron with a soft nylon
brush and a thick paste of baking soda and water. Clean stainless steel with
a soft cloth and 4 tablespoons
of baking soda dissolved in 1 quart of water. Wipe dry with a clean cloth.
5. Scrub pans. Sprinkle soda on crusted casseroles and roasting pans
and let
sit for five minutes. Lightly scrub and rinse.
6. Brush teeth. Use a paste of baking soda and water.
7. Fight class-B fires (flammable liquids, such as gasoline, oil, and grease).
Baking
soda can be used to smother only a small flame.
8. Deodorize. Dust baking soda under your arms to absorb body odor.
9. Clean up minor oil and grease spills on a garage floor or driveway.
Sprinkle
baking soda on the spot and scrub with a wet brush.
10. Settle a stomach during occasional indigestion. Stir 1/2 teaspoon
of baking soda into
1/2 cup of water and drink for a safe and effective antacid.
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A rabbi and his two friends, a priest and a minister, played poker for small
stakes once a week. The only problem was that they lived in a very
conservative blue-law town. The sheriff raided their game and took all
three before
the local judge.
After listening to the sheriff's story, the judge sternly inquired of the
priest: "Were you gambling, Father?" The priest looked toward heaven,
whispered, "Oh, Lord, forgive me!" and then said aloud: "No, your honor,
I was not gambling."
"Were you gambling, Reverend?" the judge asked the minister. The minister
repeated the priest's actions and said, "No, your honor, I was not."
Turning to the third clergyman, the judge asked: "Were you gambling, Rabbi?"
The rabbi eyed him coolly and replied "With whom?"
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Patsy offered to care for the eight-year-old daughter
of her next-door neighbour.
She arrived in time to prepare breakfast, laying a
generous helping of bacon and eggs in front of the child.
"Mother always serves hot biscuits for breakfast,"
said the eight-year-old.
So, Patsy, very eager to oblige, hurried into the
kitchen and quickly prepared a plate of hot biscuits,
which she laid in front of the girl.
"No, thank you," she said.
"But I thought you said your mother always prepares
hot biscuits for breakfast!" said Patsy in surprise.
"She does," said the child. "But I don't eat them."
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In bed my wife sprawls out all over the mattress.
I said, "I'm tired of only having two inches in this bed."
She said, "Now you know how I feel."
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*submitted by*
BADVETTE87
Jose and Carlos are panhandling at the freeway offramp. Jose drives a Mercedes,
lives in a mortgage free house
bb and has a lot of money to spend. Carlos only brings in 2 to 3 dollars a day.
Carlos asks Jose
how he can bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day.
Jose says, "Look at your sign."
It reads: "I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support"
Carlos looks at Jose's sign. It reads: "I only need another $10.00 to move back
to Mexico"
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continued
Optimum soil temperatures for the germination of most vegetable variety seed
is about 80 degrees. This means
waiting to seed the garden until soil temperatures have at least risen into
the 70 degree range. In the Tucson
area that usually happens the end of March.
Garden soil must be prepared well prior to planting seeds. The soil should be
tilled, and organic matter
added. Desert compost, peat, or composted manure are all good types of organic
matter that can be mixed with the
soil. Till in 4 inches of organic matter into the top 12 inches of garden soil.
At the same time mix in 2 pounds
of ammonium phosphate (16-20-0) or similar analysis fertilizer for every 100
square feet of garden area.
Organic fertilizers such as fish meal, bone meal, and blood meal may also be
used.
Rake the area to be seeded to provide a fine textured seed bed, free of rocks
and other debris. Rake the soil
out smoothly. Several days prior to planting water the soil thoroughly. This
will settle the soil and provide
a reservoir of moisture for germinating seeds.
Plant seeds at the depth and spacing called for on the seed packets. And after
planting, keep the soil moist.
If the soil drys during germination and establishment it can be fatal!
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PATRIOTIC PARFAIT (layered geletin dessert)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
INGREDIENTS:
1 large package Blue or purple jello
1 large package Red jello, any flavor
4 cups Water; boiling
2 cups Water; cold
8 ounces Cool Whip topping; thawed
4 cups Angel food cake, cubed
2 cups Strawberries; sliced
1/2 cups Blueberries
DIRECTIONS:
Dissolve berry blue jello in 2 cups of boiling water. In a
separate bowl, dissolve the cherry jello. Stir 1 cup of
cold water into each bowl. Pour into separate 9x13" pans.
Refrigerate at least 3 hours until firm. Cut into 1/2"
cubes. Place blue jello cubes in bottom of clear glass
trifle bowl. Top with 1/3 of the Cool Whip. Add cake cubes,
then sliced strawberries. Top with another 1/3 Cool Whip.
Add the red jello cubes and then the remaining Cool Whip.
Sprinkle blueberries over top.
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Click here: Stop Programs from starting
on Windows boot
http://glclk.about.com/?zi=5/3RVd
One way you can speed up your computer is to prevent programs from launching
themselves at start-up.
Not only do the unwanted programs delay the start of Windows, they also continue
to slow
down your computer since they use system resources.
The instructions in this tutorial will show you how to determine what programs
are starting automatically when
you turn your computer on and boot Microsoft Windows.
You'll need to check three separate places to see what programs are
launching automatically on start-up and to prevent unwanted programs from automatically
starting.
To begin, open the program that you don't want to start automatically when Windows
boots. Check to see if
the program provides an auto start option that you can disable. If there is
no option available or deselecting it
doesn't prevent the program from starting automatically, continue with the other
steps in this tutorial.
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KFC and Taco Bell have both announced that they are using cooking
oil that is free of trans fats in all their restaurants. No more
trans fat. Apparently, they got a lot of complaints that too many
of the rats were dying of heart disease.
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The latest in cosmetic surgery is something called spectrum
adjustable breast implants. They are saline breast implants you
can adjust after surgery to make them larger or smaller. For
example, you can enlarge them when you?re going out for a night
on the town. And then you make them smaller when you want a man
to actually listen to what you're saying.
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Spiderman 3 made $382 million worldwide over the weekend a while back. But
then again, so did the guy who owns a Texaco station near my house.
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Following is the winning entry from an annual contest calling for
the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term. This year's
term: Political Correctness.
"Political Correctness: a doctrine fostered by a delusional,
illogical liberal minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous
mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is
entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."
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That D.C. madam released her client list. There hasn't been this
many nervous lawyers since Dick Cheney renewed his hunting license.
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Click here: Integrated
HealthCare Clinics, Inc. | Chronic Fatigue Syndrome -
Clinical and diagnostic considerations
http://www.integratedhealthcare.org/cfs.html
Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS) was defined by the Center for Disease Control
as persistent and
debilitating fatigue lasting six months or longer. A patient is classified as
having Chronic Fatigue and Immune Dysfunction
Syndrome (CFIDS) if four or more of the following symptoms are present concurrently
with chronic fatigue:
Click here: Eating Disorder Test
- Risk of Eating Disorders - Eating Disorder Quiz
http://glclk.about.com/?zi=15/3CLI
The EAT-26, or Eating Attitudes Test, is a widely-used eating disorder screening
test that can help you determine
whether you may have an eating disorder, whether anorexia,
bulimia,
or something
else. No one tool can reliably make
an eating disorder diagnosis, but the EAT-26 is an excellent first step. It
identifies symptoms
that are consistent with a possible eating disorder.
Click here: Are Your Candles Killing
You?
http://glclk.about.com/?zi=15/3CLM
Please read this if you're like me and love to burn candles!!
Click here: Abnormal Blood Pressure
http://glclk.about.com/?zi=15/3CLO
While 120/80 used to be considered normal, the new American Heart Association
guidelines define three levels of abnormal blood pressure values.
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Miami was voted the worst road rage city. You have 20-year-
olds doing 95, and 95-year-olds doing 20, that's why.
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Salesman Terence Carter fears he's facing the sack after struggling
with a seven-year erection.
Carter developed the rare condition priapism after taking panic
attack medication. It left his manhood almost constantly stiff and
he needed eight hospital operations to reduce it, reports say. He
was forced to take so much time off that bosses have told him they
may need to "reassess" whether he can still work for them as an
on-the-road salesman in South Carolina.
He said, "Some may think it's good to have an erection for that
long, but I was often in terrible pain. I had to wear knee length
coats in summer to hide it, yet people at work thought it was a joke."
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*submitted by*
DeVulcano
Click here:
12 Step Internet Recovery Program
http://www.goodtimes2.com/internet_recovery_program.htm
2. Click here: Words
To Watch
http://www.mamarocks.com/words_to_watch.htm
*borrowed from*
shinyhappyhead.com
Click here:
How to Pick Your Nose Inconspicuously - WikiHow
http://www.wikihow.com/Pick-Your-Nose-Inconspicuously
A recent poll alleges that a majority of Americans admit to picking their noses
in public. Although not socially
accepted, nose picking can , at times, be necessary. When something in your
nose needs help finding its way
out, you can be ready to respond by following one of these basic
stealth techniques for public nasal manicuring.
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The receptionist found some cash in the office, apparently mislaid
by a co-worker.
She sent the following email: "If anybody can say where they lost
$70, please let me know and it will be returned to you."
Within minutes one employee replied, "Kentucky Derby, 2006."
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It was the best piece he had ever written... his masterpiece!
The story of a classic chess match told from the point of view of
the least significant piece, the black queen's knight's pawn.
He was devastated to receive this letter of rejection from the
publisher. "You should have known better. Our firm will never
publish pawnography."
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"How much are the cigars?" asked a customer at the tobacco shop.
"Two for a quarter," said the girl behind the counter.
"All right," said the man. "I'll take one."
"That'll be fifteen cents," replied the clerk.
The customer paid for the cigar and left.
A man who overheard the transaction came up to the counter.
"Here's a dime," he said. "I'll take the other one."
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Click here: Debsnewsletter
- Archives
http://www.debsnewsletter.com/archives.shtml
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Actors' off-air personal troubles can spell disaster for the TV characters
they play. Two "Lost"
characters met their ends in the last season after the
actresses portraying them were
charged with drinking and driving. More
recently, although we don't
yet know Dr. Burke's fate, Isaiah Washington got the
boot from "Grey's Anatomy" after
he used a slur to refer to a gay castmate.
The Top 7 Signs Your Character's Being Written Off the Show
7> Your new love interest is Ted McGinley.
6> You're featured on a special episode of "America's Most
Wanted: Not You!"
5> Something's fishy about your upcoming "crossover appearance"
on "Without a Trace."
4> "Okay, in this scene, you'll be lying in the hospital bed
while Dr. Kevorkian looks at your chart."
3> That blog entry where you tore into your co-stars, producers
and the network? You forgot to mark it "Private."
2> They're renaming the show "According to Frank, Jim's Widow's
New Husband."
and the Number 1 Sign Your
Character's
Being Written
Off the Show...
1> "Here, Johnson, try on this red Starfleet uniform."
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Have you heard the latest? Former gay governor of New Jersey -
remember Jim McGreevey the governor who admitted that he was
gay? He now announced he is looking into becoming an episcopal
priest. Not a lot of people happy about this. Especially the altar
boys. They are not thrilled with this at all.
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Our neighbor watched with some interest as we made our first
efforts at raising chickens. We wanted them to have ample space,
so we penned off a large run, and also built them a small house
at one end. We felt they lived quite a luxurious life.
When a heat wave struck and the birds showed signs of distress,
we hastily draped a tarpaulin over a pole to give them some shade.
As all the chickens settled down under the tarp, enjoying the
shade, our neighbor came over and exclaimed: "Oh, isn't that cute!
You let them go camping."
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In the local school's Nature Program, the teacher was introducing
a unit on "The Five Senses." The dialogue with the teacher and
the three-to-four-year-olds went thus:
Teacher: "We have eyes for.....?"
Children: "Seeing!"
Teacher: "And a nose for.....?"
Children: "Smelling!"
Teacher: "And ears for.....?"
One Child: "Earrings!"
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Click here: Windows Enthusiasts
http://glclk.about.com/?zi=5/3RVg
News, blogs, conferences, and information of interest to Windows enthusiasts
LOTS of links
Click here: Windows Vista Gallery
- All About Windows Vista
http://glclk.about.com/?zi=5/3RVl
Vista is the next generation of Microsoft Windows. You will be able to buy it
beginning
January 30, 2007. Vista follows Windows
XP, the last major version of Windows.
The Windows Vista Gallery provides extensive resources to help you decide if
you need to upgrade to Windows
Vista. You'll find information on the new features, plus information on the
editions available, prices, and ways to upgrade.
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One day in class, the teacher told everyone to turn to a blank
sheet of paper in their notebooks. She noticed that Moose,
a rather dense jock, was having trouble with her directions.
"Have you found a blank piece yet, Moose?" said the teacher.
"Nope. I haven't," he said. "Some idiot went through and drew
light blue lines across all the pages."
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After his bread hadn't toasted properly, I watched my son test
the toaster oven element by touching it with his finger.
Quickly realizing it was working just fine, he angrily turned and
blamed me for his having burned himself.
"Pardon me?" I asked incredulously.
"Well," he said indignantly, "you've always stopped me from doing
stupid stuff before!"
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*submitted by*
BADVETTE87
A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from
the Louvre. After carefully planning, he got past
security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his
van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when
his van ran out of gas. When asked how he could
mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious
error, he replied:
"Monsieur, that's the reason I stole the paintings. I
had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
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COLD SUMMER TORTELLINI SALAD
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
INGREDIENTS:
1 pkg tortellini - 8 oz
1 tomato - peeled
3-4 slices hard salami
3-4 fresh mushrooms
4-5 black Greek olives, pitted
1 slice of mild cheddar cheese--1/2" thick
1 slice of mozzarelli--1/2" thick
1 slice of provolone cheese--1/2" thick
use any small pieces of veggies that you would like.
1/4 cup extra virgin olive oil
1 small clove garlic, finely minced
1/4 tsp garlic salt
1/8 tsp fresh ground black pepper
2-3 tbsp cider vinegar
* 1 tsp hot red pepper flakes - (optional)
DIRECTIONS:
Peel and chop the tomato. Julienne the hard salami. Chop the
olives. Cube the cheese into 1/2" cubes. Clean and slice the
mushrooms. Cook the tortellini according to package directions.
Drain and rinse in cool water. Add the salad ingredients. In a
small deep bowl add the oil, garlic, garlic salt, black pepper,
vinegar and hot red pepper. Whisk until thoroughly mixed. Pour
over the salad and mix well. Refrigerate for a few hours to
blend flavors. Mix well again before serving. Garnish with fresh
tomato wedges or orange slices and parsley.
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*submitted by*
BADVETTE87
Three expectant fathers, an American, a Jamaican, and a Canadian were in
the hospital waiting room. A doctor comes in and announces that he has
some good news and some bad news.
"The good news is that you each are the father of a healthy baby boy.
The bad news is that we've mixed them up."
The three new fathers walk into the nursery. The American guy goes right
to the Jamaican baby, picks him up and starts rocking him.
"What are you doing?" the Jamaican guy asks, "That is obviously my son."
"I know," said the American guy, "but I didn't accidentally want to get
the Canadian kid."
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Click here: Apple - iPhone
http://www.apple.com/iphone/
I got mine and OMG - it's beyond awesome!!
Click here: Using Cell Phones
to Monitor Vehicle Location
http://usgovinfo.about.com/b/a/217323.htm
Funded partly by a National Science Foundation (NSF)
grant, a research firm has
developed a system capable
of capturing the continuous positioning signals transmitted by cell phones carried
in vehicles to monitor traffic patterns
"on rural roads and city streets as easily as on highways."It seems that all
cell phones, even when not in use,
constantly transmit an "anonymous" positioning signal used to seek out antennas
with the strongest signals.
Click here: Use Your Cell Phone
as a Modem - Connect to the Internet with your Cell Phone
http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/%5DQf
Mobile workers will not always have Bluetooth enabled or Infrared ready cell
phones or laptops. Nor will they
always have access to Wi-Fi hot spots when they need Internet access. In these
situations it is important for mobile
workers to be prepared to use their cell phone as a modem and how they can use
the laptop as a modem.
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Well, if masturbating in Denver doesn't really
make you
a member of the mile high club, that
means I have nothing at all to put on my resume.
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The Top 14 Euphemisms for Getting a Bikini Wax
14> Solving the Bermuda Triangle
13> Smoothing out the chinrest
12> Waxing rip-sodic
11> Grooming the hair-apparent
10> Excavating the overgrowth for a new landing strip
9> Joining the Southern District of Hari Krishnas
8> Playing Truth or Nair
7> Weed-whacking the front porch
6> I'm ready for my close-up, Mr. Depilatory
5> Taking a drive on the crotch Zamboni
4> Clearing brush down at the Labial Ranch
3> Turning Gene Shalit into John Waters
2> Adding to your "Why I hate men" list
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Euphemism for Getting a Bikini Wax...
1> Clear cutting the forests of Mt. Venus
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It's weird how, after all these years, memories
of college lectures on thermal conductivity
dynamics came flooding back and finally gelled.
I just wish it hadn't taken a dropped mug
of Maxwell House in my lap to hammer it home.
(Brad
Simanek)
There are only so many times a woman
will throw away delivered roses because
she thinks they might be poisoned.
And *that's* when you've got her!
(Michael
Cunningham)
When I'm reincarnated, I want to come
back as an unfertilized human ovum.
(Douglas
Frank)
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By now everyone and their mama
has seen
the "Dramatic Prairie Dog"
video (aka
"Dramatic Chipmunk").
It seems that
rodents take
drama seriously.
Haven't seen the video yet? Crawl
out from
under your rock
and click here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jHjFxJVeCQs
The Top
9 Rodent Dramas
9> Goodbye, Mr. Chipmunk
8> A Prairie Dog for Owen Meany
7> Cannery Rodent
6> Squirrel, Interrupted
5> Hairy Otter and the Order of Rodentia
4> The Meerkat of Venice
3> Paca Lips Now
2> Tess of the Gerbilvilles
and the Number 1 Rodent Drama...
1> Waiting For Marmot
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Click
here: About.com: http://www.liberatedgames.com/gamelisting.php
http://clk.about.com/?zi=1/XJ&sdn=websearch&zu=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.liberatedgames.com%2Fgamelisting.php
:"Liberated Games is dedicated to cataloging all full commercial games that
have
been liberated and made free in playable form to the public."
Click
here: About.com: http://www.1980-games.com/us/
http://clk.about.com/?zi=1/XJ&sdn=websearch&zu=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.1980-games.com%2Fus%2F
Games you loved from the 1980's
Click
here: About.com: http://www.1up.com/do/feature?cId=3148013&did=1
http://clk.about.com/?zi=1/XJ&sdn=websearch&zu=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.1
up.com%2Fdo%2Ffeature%3FcId%3D3148013%26amp%3Bdid%3D1
Some mods, a little shareware, and a couple Web games, but most of the titles
on
the next few pages are 100 percent free with no strings attached.
v
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*submitted by*
BADVETTE87
A is for the automobile which he doesn't own.
B is also for brain, which was located between his legs.
C is for the commitment that was never there.
D is for the dildo he didn't know I had.
E is for ego. His was bigger than a hot air balloon.
F is for his faithfulness, as long as there wasn't something or someone
better to do.
G is also for the spot he could never find!
H is for laughter (HA! HA!) the last sound he heard from me as he was
walking out the door.
I is for impotent which is what I told everyone he was.
J is for jugular, the one I'd love to sever.
K is for kinky, he always started without me.
L is for love in most cases, but exceptions have been made, L is for
LOSER in this case, along with LUSH and LITTLE DICK.
M is for MAN. Has anyone been able to find one? Have you ever met one?
Do you know where any are?
N is for the narcotics. He drove me past alcohol.
O is for the orgasms he thought he made me have.
P is for PAYBACKS. Remember they are HELL!
Q is for queer. I sometimes wonder if he is.
R is for the hopeless romantic he said he was. He was half right. He was
hopeless, not to mention worthless.
S is also for satisfied, which he rarely made me feel.
T is for typical. Typical little boy playing at being a man.
U is also for the ugly girl he is dating now.
V is for the voodoo doll I made of him.
W is for wife, the one he said he didn't have.
X is what he is to me now!!!!
Y is for WHY the hell did I ever get involved with him.
Z isn't for anything, just like him, he ain't anything either.
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A famous scientist was on his way to yet another lecture when his
chauffeur offered an idea.
"Hey boss, I've heard yuour speech so many times, I bet I could
deliver it and give you the night off."
"Sounds great," the scientist said.
When they got to the auditorium, the scientist put on the
chauffeur's hat and settled into the back row. The chuffeur walked
to the lectern and delivered the speech. Afterward he asked if
there were any questions.
"Yes," said one professor. Then he launched into a highly technical
question. The chauffeur was panic-stricken for a moment but
quickly recovered.
"That's an easy one," he replied. "So easy, I'm going to let my
chauffeur answer it."
v
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Click here:
10 Travel Secrets of Frequent Fliers | ForbesTraveler.com
http://www.forbestraveler.com/2007/02/07020101_story.html
If you travel by air a lot you might appreciat this list of secrets!
Click here:
The Registered Traveler Program | ForbesTraveler.com
http://www.forbestraveler.com/2007/02/07020801_story.html
Nowadays, a trip to the airport is usually an unwelcome opportunity to rub shoulders,
shoes and little plastic
bags of goo with swarms of fellow travelers. The typical experience involves
hauling bags foot by foot across acres of
linoleum, followed by a St. Vitus’s dance of shedding clothes, tubbing laptops
and scrounging for boarding
passes to the barked commands of security officials.
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The lovers had decided that a mutual parting of the ways was best
for both of them. However, on the way to the Airport, a rather
heated debate started as to whose fault their break-up was. At
the crowded gate, she turned and said, "Thanks for nothing you
cheap bastard."
As she went down the ramp with the other passengers, he shouted back
"Hey baby. Don't be like that. If you ever work this town again,
give me a call."
v
v v v v
I put a roast in the oven one noon hour and set the timer, a
feature I hadn't used yet. Before leaving work that afternoon,
I phoned my 14-year-old son to ask him to check the roast and peel
some potatoes. Minutes later he called back. "Mom, the roast isn't
cooked. The oven didn't come on."
The roast was on the menu again the following day, but this time,
since I stopped by the house after a business lunch, I decided
to turn the oven on myself. Again before leaving work, I called
my son to check the roast and get the potatoes started. Again he
called me back. "The roast still isn't cooked."
"Listen," I said. "I know the oven's on. I turned it on before I
left. I didn't use the timer."
"Oh, the stove's working fine," he told me. "It's just that the
roast is in the fridge."
v
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Click here:
Recreation and Tourism: USA.gov
http://www.usa.gov/Citizen/Topics/Travel/Recreation.shtml
At the government’s recreation and tourism page, you’ll find a wealth of information.
You can learn about boating and fishing licenses.
Or maybe you just want to kick back and relax at a beach. Well, you can even
get real-time reports on beach water quality and temperatures.
Of course, there will be some days this summer where the weather isn’t so great.
Maybe it will be rainy or too hot to go outside.
Read up on museums and libraries. That way, you’ll still have something to do
on those inclement days!
*submitted by*
SHAYNABUTTONS
Click here: If I Die
Before You Wake - Powered by FlashPoint
http://www.flashdemo.net/gallery/wake/index.htm
2. Click
here: America the Beautiful - animated Flash ecard by Jacquie Lawson
http://www.jacquielawson.com/viewcard.asp?code=1213738384159&source=jl999%3E%20%3E
Beautiful !!
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A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road, when
all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in
an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what happened,
went over to investigate.
He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians. A few
days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus,
and asked the farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The old farmer said he had buried them.
The sheriff then asked the old farmer, "Were they ALL dead?" The
old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but
you know how them politicians lie."
v
v v v v
It was the first day of school. As the principal made his rounds,
he heard a terrible commotion coming from one of the classrooms. He
rushed in and spotted one boy, taller than the others, who seemed
to be making the most noise. He seized the lad, dragged him to the
hall, and told him to wait there until he was excused. Returning
to the classroom, the principal restored order and lectured the
class for half an hour about the importance of good behavior. Now,"
he said," are there any questions?
"One girl stood up timidly. "Please sir," she asked, "May we have
our teacher back?"
"Where is exactly is your teacher?"
"He's in the hall, sir."
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A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the
couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple? How
devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet.
Why don't you do that?"
"I would love to," replied the husband, "but I don't know
her well enough."
v
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"Mom, I'm pregnant," announced a teen.
"How can that be? What did I tell you about sex?" asked her mom.
"That I should take measures. That's what I did! I took measures and
went with the biggest."
v
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Click here: PatentMonkey.com - Patent
Searching and Easy PDF Downloading - Home
http://www.patentmonkey.com/PM/
Did you know that the U.S. Patent office receives hundreds of thousands of patent
applications each year?
Of the patents that are approved, not all are used. In fact, some are abandoned.
Others expire.
Expired and abandoned patents are up for grabs. You can use the technology in
the patents. A growing number of businesses are taking advantage of these patents.
At Patent Monkey, you can search patents in the U.S. patent database. You can
search for active patents as well as abandoned or expired ones.
Maybe these can help you start a new business venture. Or maybe you have an
idea. Well, find out if it has already been patented! kkomando.com
Click
here: Harry Eng - Master Bottle Filler
http://puzzlemuseum.com/puzzles/amb/eng_botts/harry-eng.htm
Harry was born in 1932 and died in 1996. He was a school teacher, educational
consultant, inventor,
and magician. A web search will tell you a little about his many talents but
in summary:
Everything he did was intended to teach you to think.
Here are some of his bottles that are in the Puzzle Museum.
Click
here: COAST TO COAST AM WITH GEORGE NOORY
http://www.coasttocoastam.com/gen/page2022.html?theme=light
UFO sighting
*submitted by*
SHAYNABUTTONS
Click here: YouTube - Tom
Rush - Remember Song
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9yN-6PbqAPM
You just have to hear this! LOL
Click here: Take 25 : A Program of The National
Center for Missing & Exploited Children
http://www.take25.org/
In 1979 six year old Etan Patz disappeared from a New York street corner on
his way to school.
He was never seen again. Two years later six-year old Adam Walsh was abducted
from a Florida shopping mall and found brutally murdered.
These horrific crimes gripped the hearts and minds of the nation and inspired
America's missing children's movement.
The National Center for Missing & Exploited Children was created by President
Ronald Reagan in 1984. It is a private, 501(c )(3), non-profit
organization that works in partnership with the U.S. Department of Justice.
Today we are the nation's leading organization addressing the problems of missing
and exploited children.
Click
here: Smile, Though Your Heart Is Breaking - May 25, 2007
http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/years/2007/0525071smile1.html
As seen in the photos on the following 25 pages, not everyone looks glum when
they pose for a mug shot.
In fact, some arrestees are actually beaming when the sheriff's deputy says
"cheese." The men and women
pictured here were photographed over the past few weeks in police stations nationwide
Click here: Great Pavilion Photos
- RHS Chelsea Flower Show
http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/aBE
The rare, the fascinating and the beautiful fill the Great Pavilion - the spectacular
centerpiece of the
RHS
Chelsea Flower Show. World-class nurseries, growers, and plant specialists
dazzle Chelsea visitors
with displays of color and fragrance from some of the world's finest plant collections
Click here: SpeedTrap
Exchange
http://www.speedtrap.org/speedtraps/stetlist.asp
The SpeedTrap Exchange is a site where visitors can post what they believe are
speedtraps. The National
Motorists Association cannot attest to the validity of these listings. They
are individual postings from private
individuals who believe a speed trap is in effect in these locations.
Click here: Take 25 : A Program of The National
Center for Missing & Exploited Children
http://www.take25.org/
As a parent, my biggest fear is that my son will be abducted. I’m sure that
every parent feels the same way.
Today, I’m going to take 25 minutes to sit down with my son. We’ll talk about
ways he can be safer when I’m not there to watch him.
But first I’ll visit Take 25. It has lots of great tips. There are also discussion
guidelines and activity ideas.
I urge you to take just 25 minutes out of the day to talk to your children.
It could help prevent the unthinkable.
v
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There she stood in the line at the post office, a line that wound
its way almost out the front door. A fellow customer spoke to the
elderly lady who was waiting to buy some stamps. "Ma'am, you must
be very tired. Did you know there's a stamp machine over there
in the corner?" He pointed to the machine built into the wall.
"Why yes, thank you," the lady replied, "but I'll just wait here
a little while longer. I'm getting close to the window."
The customer became insistent. "It would be so much easier for
you to avoid this long line and buy your stamps from the machine."
The woman patted him on the arm and answered, "Oh, I know, sonny.
But that old machine would never ask me how my grandchildren
are doing."
v
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When I was in college, I had period furniture.
I got to keep it for a period of time, then they'd take it back.
v
v v v v
I went to a high school that was so dangerous, the school newspaper
had an obituary column.
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A man went to visit his doctor. "Doctor, my arm hurts bad. Can
you check it out please?" the man pleads.
The doctor rolls up the man's sleeve and suddenly hears the arm
talk, "Hello Doctor, could you lend me twenty bucks please? I'm desperate"
The doctor says, "Aha! I see the problem. Your arm is broke!"
v
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Nectarine
Freeze
2
oz Nectarine mix or 1/3 juice
Fill with cream
2 scoops ice cream or mix
Ice blended frozen
Add 2 oz flavor mix or Schnapps for a
Cherry, Peach, Blackberry, Raspberry, Strawberry, or
Nectarine Wildberry Freeze
Paralyzer
1
oz Vodka
1 oz Kahlua
2/3 coke
1/3 cream
Ice
Rocks or up
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After knocking down a woman pedestrian who was jay-walking, the
cabby stopped and helped the irate lady to her feet.
Refusing his assistance, she yelled,
"You stupid, reckless creature! You must be blind!"
"What do you mean, blind?" snapped the cabdriver, "I hit you, didn't I?"
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"An 18 year-old woman was arrested after spending the past eight
months pretending to be a student at Stanford university and
living in their dorms, even though she was not enrolled there. She
pretended to be a student for eight months. Hey, that's nothing. I
pretended to be a student for four years!"
Jay Leno
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Her mom may be angry about it, but if
my 3-year-old niece ever becomes a truck
driver, that tobacco-spitting trick I taught her will
come in mighty handy.
v
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Q. How do we know that the bikini was invented for orthodox Jews?
A. It separates the meat from the dairy sections
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TEN
WAYS TO TREAT A PENIS
1.) You've gotta "introduce" yourself to Willy Wonderful, i.e., "Hi! I'm
Shirley! Nice to meet ya, big guy !". Don't dive on it likes it's a raw
Piece of meat and you're a starving pitbull! Be gentle. Stroke him nice
and easy. Make friends first.
2.) When (Not "IF" ) giving oral sex, don't suck so hard that you make
an industrial vacuum cleaner appear as a dust buster and suck the man's
eyeballs out of his sockets. Mr. Penis is a sensitive "guy" ya know. Be
gentle Contrary to your practicing techniques in high school, the one
who "Melts" the popsicle first is not the winner.
3.) When sitting on top of a man, don't move too far forward or back. Up
and down is fine. What you're gonna do if you do move too far forward and
back is rip Mr. Penis right off Mr. Man's crotch. Mr. Penis isn't made for
that action. And, VERY Important. When going up and down, if you should go up
a little too high and Mr. Penis pops out, you are not a basketball net, and
Willy Wonderful is not a golf ball ...your aim is not that good, and
Your100 Lbs, and this little Newton thingy called gravity will seriously
injure Mr. Penis.
4.) Hand jobs - When stroking a guy's Dick don't grab it like a bus rail
and start jerking it like you were milking a cow. Don't use the love sword
as if it's a piece of gym equipment to strengthen the forearms, and
remember friction is the problem ... lubrication, the cure.
5.) Proper care of the love Tool - like any good tool you wanna keep
around for a while you've gotta take good care of it just as you do your
dildo or your car. Wash him off after and dry him gently. Oil himbbfrequently,
and have him park in the garage as often as you can. Never bend, fold
spindle or mutilate. You'll get years of use out of him that way.
6.) If Mr. Penis appears uninterested, he's just being coy or stupid.
That's where you have to use step #1 again. If no response, then you
sure gave him a good workout the first time. Good for you!
7.) Never, ever play "crush the grapes" with Mr. Penis's two friends,
Mr. Balls. Nothing can make Mr. Penis shrink faster. Not even ice or a nude
Pic of Janet Reno and the Queen Mother playing chess at the Naturalist
beach last July.
8.) If you're a golfer, never use Mr. Penis as a tee.
9.) If Mr. Penis can't "throw up" then his owner worked too hard on
pleasing you. Be thankful. If Mr. Penis spits too soon, be proud that
you had that effect on him ... not everyone can have that effect on him.
10.) If you don't want Mr. Penis so deep, don't say, "Shit! Not that
deep! What are you doing ... drilling for oil??" Say, "Wow you're much
bigger Than I thought. Could you take it a little easier on me?"
And never never say "Is it in?"
v
v v v v
Click here: Book Clubs- Starting
a Book Club, Leading a Book Club, Book Club Questions and More
http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/%5DpR
These tips and resources will help you start a book club or keep your book club
going strong.
Click
here: Oprah's Book Club Resources - Top Resources
about Oprah's Book Club - Oprah Winfrey Book Club
http://clk.about.com/?zi=18/15r/2&sdn=bestsellers&cdn=entertainment&tm=123&gps=46_107_1193_850&f=00&su
=p284.8.150.ip_&tt=3&bt=0&bts=0&zu=http%3A//bestsellers.about.com/od/oprahsbookclub/tp/oprah_book_club.htm
Curious about the Oprah Book Club? Find out the history of Oprah's Book Club,
how to join Oprah's
Book Club, a complete list of Oprah's Book Club selections and more.
v
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*submitted by*
WaltWiso
When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said,
"Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on
a sofa
bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every
night
with a hot 25 year old blonde.
Now, we have a nice house, nice car, bed and plasma screen TV, but
I'm sleeping
with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your
side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot
25
year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living
in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and
watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve a mid-life crisis.
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Kim Peek is the autistic man who was the inspiration
behind the script for "Rain Main," as well as for
Dustin Hoffman's portrayal of Raymond Babbitt.
More on Kim here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kim_Peek
The Top 16 Newly Discovered Talents of Kim Peek, the Rain Man
16> Not only is he an excellent driver, he's the only man in
America who *doesn't* need directions
15> Does a hilarious "Rain Man" impersonation.
14> He can sit perfectly still on Oprah's couch.
13> Can refrain from kicking your fat ass when you ask, "Is
it going to rain, man?"
12> Can recount in meticulous detail what happened in Vegas --
even beyond the precise boundaries of Vegas.
11> Could use his analytical ability to find the location of
the late Jimmy Hoffa, if ever asked.
10> Able to judge bra size with a single glance.
9> Able to cook ramen noodles with his mind.
8> Can play "Smoke on the Water" on a vacuum cleaner.
7> Can calculate to the nearest 1/100th of a percent the number
of roads a man must walk down before you call him a man.
6> Able to name, in chronological order, each of Wilt
Chamberlain's 20,000 women.
5> Constant knowledge of the exact whereabouts of Dick Cheney.
4> Can tell how many of each color is in an M&M candy bag just
by smell.
3> Able to accurately count the votes cast in a presidential election.
2> Can tell at a glance whether Schrodinger's cat is dead or alive.
and Topfive.com's
Number 1 Newly
Discovered Talent of Kim Peek, the Rain Man...
1> Can determine whether Barry Bonds is on steroids simply by
looking at him.
v
v v v v
Click
here: PC World - 35 Things Every PC User Should Know
PC
Protection: Tighten PC Security
http://www.pcworld.com/article/id,128154/article.html?tk=nl_dmxhow
Create a password for the Administrator account. You can find the option under
Start, Settings, Control Panel, User Accounts.
Password-protect your screen saver. Go to Settings, Control Panel, Display.
Click the Screen Saver tab. Change 'Wait time'
to 5 minutes, and check On resume, password protect. The password will
be your user password.
Turn off file sharing in Windows Explorer. Open Explorer, click Tools, Folder
Options, View. Scroll to the bottom,
uncheck Use simple file sharing, and click Apply.
MORE at the site
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A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.....Of
course the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the
window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have
to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy
drive is going to cost us."
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A
warm voice said, "Come on in."
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass
everywhere and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near
the broken window.
A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke
my window?"
"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that", the husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You
see, I'm genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand
years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three
wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep
the last one for myself."
"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and
blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can
do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"
"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.
"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every
country in the world," she said.
Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be
safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been
with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex
with your wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we
both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're
right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but
what about you, honey?"
"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the
same for you!"
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest
of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of nonstop sex, the genie rolled over and
looked directly into her eyes and asked "How old are you and your
husband?"
"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
"NO SHIT! Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"
v
v v v v
Jill and Marge were walking through a museum and got separated.
It has been nearly an hour since they had seen each other.
When they ran into each other later, Jill said to Marge, "Did you
see that statue of the naked man back there? I forget what it
was called."
Margaret replied, "Yes! I was shocked! How can they display such
a
thing? The penis on it was so large! Obviously a work of fiction!"
Jill blurted out, "...and it was COLD, too!"
v
v v v v
Click
here: Grilled Pomegranate Chicken with Cucumber Relish Recipe
http://www.lifescript.com/articles/4541.asp?BID=38283&SID=16296412&EID=5C9A4C81-9E5E-4EB9-BC6E-53D879F1A884
Click
here: Nosheteria: Snacking Thy Name is Decadence
http://nosheteria.com/2007/02/snacking-thy-name-is-decadence.html
Admit it. As good as you might try to be, eating three square meals a day, there
are times, usually around four
o'clock on a lazy weekend afternoon, when your stomach starts a-churning. (At
least if you're anything like me it
does.) You get that hollow, hungry feeling, and you know that a bag of carrot
sticks, healthy though they may be,
will just not answer the rumbling. It's time for a proper snack, one that is
salty, crunchy, and more than a bit decadent.
Popcorn is just the thing. And when popped in an air popper (didn't everyone
have one of those in college?) it can
really be almost healthy...and definitely boring. But this is Nosheteria, not
some ascetic kitchen, and I've
been out of college for quite some time, so leave it to me to bring popcorn
from the healthy to the sublime. And what
is the fastest way to do that? By adding bacon of course...everything's better
with bacon.
v
v v v v
A woman is drying herself after a shower when she suddenly
slips over and lands on the bathroom floor with legs spread.
She tries to stand up again but realizes that she landed so
hard that her vagina has stuck to the floor creating such a
vacuum that she cannot move.
She calls out to her husband for help. He tries with all his
strength to lift her up but she could not budge. So he goes
next door and gets the neighbor. Both of them are pulling
like oxen but it was of no use.
Suddenly the neighbor says, "Why don't we just get a hammer
and break the tiles around her legs and lift her that way?"
"Great idea," says the husband, "But let me rub her boobs a
little to arouse her."
"Why?" asks a confused neighbor.
"She'll need the lubrication so I can slide her over into
the kitchen. The tiles are cheaper in there."
v
v v v v
Ole was walking home late at night and sees a woman in
the shadows.
"Twenty dollars . ."she whispers.
He'd never been with a hooker before, but he
decides, what the hell, it's only twenty bucks.
So they hide in the bushes.
They're going "at it" for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes
on them ....... it's a police officer.
"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.
"I'm making love to my wife," Ole answers indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know"
"Well," Ole says, "neither did I, until you shone
that damn light in her face".
v
v v v v
Click here: Copying Songs from Your
iPod to a Mac or PC
http://glclk.about.com/?zi=5/3OmL
To share music back and forth between your iPod and a computer (Mac or PC) you
need to set your iPod
to update manually rather than to sync automatically with iTunes. Manual updating
allows you to delete songs
in iTunes while keeping them on your iPod, or to keep songs in iTunes and remove
them from your iPod. To learn how
to set your iPod to update manually, see the article Using
Manual Updating with iTunes and iPod.
If at some time you wish to restore songs from your iPod back on to your computer,
it is important to note that
the ability to copy songs from your iPod back on to your Mac or PC is not
supported in iTunes. There
are many third-party applications available, however, that enable you to do
this. These include:
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There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other.
The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and
pick up one of his hens eggs for breakfast.
One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the
Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman
pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the
egg
belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed
because the egg was laid on his property.
They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, In my family we normally
solve disputes by the following actions: "I kick you in the balls and time how
long it
takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the balls and time how
long it takes for me to get up, whomever gets up quicker wins the egg."
The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman found his heaviest pair of
boots
and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and
kicked as hard as he could right between his legs.
The Englishman fell to the ground clutching himself and howling in agony
for 30 minutes. Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now its my turn
to kick you."
The Scotsman said, "Keep the damn egg."
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Winter is here with his grouch,
The time when you sneeze and slouch.
You can't take your women
Canoein' or swimmin',
But a lot can be done on a couch.
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Click
here: 4 Ways to Say “I Love You”
http://www.lifescript.com/articles/3469.asp?BID=39221&SID=17053750&EID=6108AB9D-21F
B-40F3-89FA-FF1083EB2DCB&utm_campaign=2006-08-24&utm_source=healthy-advantage
&utm_medium=email&utm_content=todays-headlines_4-ways-to-say-#147i-lov
Love letters are romantic and saying “I love you” when hanging up the phone
with your loved one is always reassuring.
But saying “I love you” doesn’t have to be “said” with words. While these three
little words are powerful conveyors of
emotion, showing your love through other words and actions can be just as powerful,
and possibly even more effective,
at keeping a relationship alive and healthy. We’re about to offer you simple
advice on ways to say “I love you”
that doesn’t involve words, at least not those three words. These simple, daily
actions will show your lover just
how much you care for him or her. Plus: Are you a good kisser?
Click here: When I
Fall In Love (Weezye's World of Music)
http://www.weezye.net/whenifall/whenifall.html
Click here:
She'll Leave You With A Smile (Weezye's World)
http://www.weezye.net/leavewithsmile/leavewithsmile.html
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There was a young idler named Blood,
Made a fortune performing at stud,
With a fifteen-inch peter,
A double-beat metre,
And a load like the Biblical Flood.
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The
Top 7 Other Reasons Not to Use Turn Signals
7> Keeps the guy behind you on his toes, or occasionally on his
side, bleeding profusely.
6> Because I'm the kind of twisted, antisocial butt-cheese who
gets off on annoying the crap out of total strangers. You got
a problem with that, wanker?
5> With a super-size Slurpee in one hand and a Double Whopper
dripping ketchup in the other, trying to operate your turn
signal could be downright dangerous.
4> You don't need to be giving that officer you flipped off any
more help tracking you back to your apartment.
3> Because I snapped off the turn lever to have something to
throw at that %$#@^&! pendejo who cut *me* off last week!
2> Out of blinker fluid.
and the Number 1 Other Reason Not To Use Turn Signals...
1> There's NO reason not to, when you can alleviate the boredom
of traffic by leading a round of "Drive Drive Revolution."
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Where
Downloads Go
worldstart.com
Erin
Are you constantly downloading programs and putting new items on your computer?
If so, have you ever noticed that
most of those download files go straight to your desktop? And after you realize
that, have you ever wondered
why they do that? I mean, why is the desktop such a popular place?
Well, in all actuality, the desktop is a pretty common place on a computer.
So, the best explanation is that they're sent
there so you'll have an easier time finding them later on. If the file goes
directly to the desktop, you don't have to
rummage around in your other folders to find the new download. Now, most programs
do have a choice included in the
download process that allows you to change the place they go to, so if you pay
close
attention to that, you'll be able to select another location.
Also, if you use Firefox as your main Web browser, you can change where your
downloads go before they even start.
In Firefox, go to Tools, Options and click on the Downloads icon. Click on the
button that says "Save all files to this folder"
and from there, you can choose your favorite location. The choices they have
listed are Desktop and My Downloads,
but if you click on Other, you can choose another spot. So, even though it seems
like your downloads are controlled,
there are ways around them. But, then again, you may like things the way they
are. If that's the case,
just leave everything as is and you'll be good to go!
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Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that
can store and play music in women's breast implants. The iBreast will cost
$499 with 4 GB of memory or $599 with 8 GB. This is a major breakthrough
because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and
not listening to them.
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Little Johnny's neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born
without ears.
When the mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny's family was
invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him
and explained that the baby had no
ears. His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about
the baby's missing ears or
even said the word "ears" he would get the spanking of his life when they came
back home.
Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely. When Johnny
looked in the crib he said, "What a
beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny."
Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands,
a cute little nose and really
beautiful eyes. Can he see?"
Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the doctor said he will have
20/20 vision."
"That's great," said Little Johnny, "'cuz he'd be shit-outta-luck
if he needed glasses."
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Thinking his son would enjoy seeing the reenactment of a colonial battle, my
niece's husband took the boy, Will, to
the event. But the poor child was terrified by the booming cannons. During a
lull, Will's dad finally got him
calmed down. That's when the British general hollered, " Fire at will!"
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Customer: "I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get through; can
you help?"
Operator: "Where did you get that number, sir?"
Customer: "It's on the door of your business."
Operator: "Sir, those are the hours that we are open."
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Friend: "I suppose you carry a memento of some sort in that locket of yours?"
Woman: "Yes, it's a lock of my husband's hair."
Friend: "But your husband is still alive."
Woman: "I know, but his hair is gone."
v
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*submitted by*
DeVulcano
Click here: ~*~ Soup For
Two ~*~
http://www.spiritisup.com/soupfortwohw.html
2. Click
here: ~*~ Our Cyber Country Home ~*~
http://www.spiritisup.com/ourcybercountryhomehw.html
3. Click here: Tread
Softly
http://www.smilesr4u.com/tread_softly.htm
v
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While my friend Emily was visiting her mother, they went for a walk and
bumped into an old family acquaintance.
"Is this your daughter?" the woman asked, "Oh, I remember her when she
was this high. How old is she now?"
Without pausing, Emily's mother said, "Twenty-four."
Emily, 35, nearly fainted on the spot.
After everyone had said their goodbyes, Emily asked her mother why she'd told
such a whopper.
"Well," she replied, "I've been lying about my age for so long, it suddenly
dawned
on me that I'd have to start lying about yours too."
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The
Top 15 Surprise Features of the iPhone
(Part
II)
15> Comes with a default "One of us! One of us! One of us!" ringtone.
14> The middle row of the new keypad arrangement spells out "B I L G A T
E S U X."
13> Won't work if it detects you wearing eyeglasses and a suit.
12> Dial #666 to change all the digital "paintings" in Bill Gates'
mansion to anime porn.
11> The right key sequence turns it into a Jedi lightsabre.
10> Purchasing the iJack add-on feature means you need not
actually be in the same vicinity as your significant other ever
again.
9> Just drop it in a glass of Jolt Cola to recharge it.
8> Includes video of a steel-cage match between the nerdy-cool
"I'm a Mac" guy and the nerdy-cool "Can you hear me now" Verizon
guy.
7> Comes with its own "Official Apple Beta-Tester Club" card and badge.
6> The new touchscreen, combined with AT&T's wireless service,
allows you to reach out and fondle someone.
5> Rounded edges and mirror smooth surface makes it easier to
shove up the ass of a smug owner.
4> iVelcro features allows easy attaching to your Segway or Vespa.
3> It conveniently combines all your indispensible functions --
phone, camera, music player and PDA -- into a single
overpriced, easily lost device.
2> It's name is an anagram of "hip one" -- how friggin' cool is THAT?!?
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Surprise Features of the iPhone...
1> Cranial-GPS feature comes in handy when you realize you've
lost your mind and paid *$600* for a freakin' phone!
v
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*submitted by*
BADVETTE87
Click here: Tampa
Florida Street Rod Show - Drive Magazine
http://www.driveonline.com/content/view/119/85/
Your #1 Event guide and parts source across the USA
2 Click
here: player
http://www.billthechief.com/crackedvideos/1/player.html
LOL NASCAR fan
v
v v v v
* When Columbus came to America, there were
no taxes, no debts, and no pollution. The
women did all the work while the men hunted
or fished all day. Ever since then, a bunch
of idiotic do-gooders have been trying to
"improve" the place.
* New Yorkers are a breed apart. A man was
mugged but had no cash. Afraid he'd be hurt,
he offered to write the guy a check. The mugger
said dumbfounded, "A Check? Why would I take
a check from you? I don't even know you!"
* Because of budgetary constraints, the City
of Baltimore in Maryland has stopped the tradition
of giving people a "Key to the City." These
days, they just send a guy over and he shows
ya how to pick the lock.
* Las Vegas is a wild town. An hour after I
had checked into a hotel, the house detective
knocked on the door and said, "Do you have a
woman in there?" I told him I didn't, so he
threw one in.
* In a lot of Southern towns, the influence of
the Baptist Church is felt in many different walks
of life. For example, sexual relations between
two unmarried adults is illegal. It seems they
felt it might lead to dancing.
* California is said to have over a hundred thousand
palms. The way I see it though, about 16 or so
of them are trees, the rest seem to be maitre d's,
parking lot attendants, waiters, bell boys, doormen...
v
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A very spiritual, devout and holy priest dies and is immediately swept up to
heaven.
St. Peter greets him at the Pearly Gates, and says, "Hello, Father, we've been
waiting for you for a
long time. Welcome to Heaven! You are very well known here, and as a special
reward, because you
are such a spiritual and holy man, we're going to grant you anything you wish
even before we enter
Heaven. What can I grant you?"
"Well", the priest says, "I've always been a great admirer of the Virgin Mother.
I've always wanted
to ask her a question."
St. Peter nods his head to one side, and lo and behold who should approach the
priest but the
Virgin Mary!
The priest is beside himself, and he manages to say, "Mother, I have always
been a great admirer
of yours, and have studied everything I could about you and followed your life
as best I could.
I have studied every painting and portrait ever made of you, and I've noticed
that you are always
portrayed with a slightly sad look on your face. I have always, always wondered
what it was that
made you sad. Would you please tell me?"
"Well", says Mother Mary, "to tell the truth, I was really hoping for a girl."
v
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Click
here: Quick Startup (exe), from GlarySoft - Free Downloads on ZDNet | Shareware,
Trialware, Evaluation Software
http://ct.zdnet.com/clicks?t=33663433-806f0115a755e77dbd661609f3a0db00-bf&s=5&fs=0
Do you have a ton of programs that start automatically each time Windows starts.
Surely you are not using all of
them right away, so there is no sense waiting for all of them to load and to
start them. Quick Startup allows you to inspect,
edit, temporary disable, or delete such programs. Version 1.8 may include
unspecified updates, enhancements or bug fixes.
Click here: SmartSound Quicktracks
for Adobe Premiere
http://www.smartsound.com/premiere/
Quicktracks is a free download. It includes 10 royalty-free scores that you
can use. Quicktracks works with
Adobe Premiere and Adobe Premiere Elements.
It plugs in to the video-editing software. So you don’t need a separate audio
program.
Best of all, Quicktracks adjusts audio length to fit scenes!
Click here: Process Explorer for Windows
v10.21
http://find.pcworld.com/56140
Find Out What Your PC Is Really Up To
The Windows Task Manager provides a good start when you try to discover what
programs are running on your
system, but it's only a first step. For more-detailed data, you need another
tool. Your best bet: Sysinternals
Process Explorer (Microsoft acquired Sysinternals last year).
Get Process Explorer for Windows v10.21
at Microsoft TechNet. It needs no formal installation; just unzip it and run
the .exe file. It will then list your PC's active processes, much as Task Manager
does,
but with better descriptions and organization.
v
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FROZEN WATERMELON DESSERT
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
INGREDIENTS:
3 pints vanilla ice cream, slightly softened
3 pints raspberry sherbet, softened
1/2 cup (3 ounces) miniature semisweet chocolate chips
14 drops green food color
2 cups frozen whipped topping, thawed
DIRECTIONS:
Line an 8-cup mold or mixing bowl completely with aluminum
foil. Working quickly, spread the vanilla ice cream 1 inch
thick over the bottom and sides of the bowl. (It'll probably
slide down the sides a bit.) Immediately place in the freezer
and freeze for about 1 hour. When the ice cream has become
somewhat hard, but not frozen solid, spread it all the way
up the sides to the top of the bowl; then replace it in the
freezer for about 1 hour, until firm. Place the raspberry
sherbet in a medium-sized bowl and add the chocolate chips;
blend until evenly mixed. Place in the vanilla ice cream-
lined bowl. Cover with plastic wrap and freeze overnight,
or until completely hard. When ready to serve, in a small
bowl, mix the green food color with the whipped topping until
evenly blended. Remove the mold from the freezer, remove the
plastic wrap, and invert onto a platter larger than the mold.
Remove the mold and peel off the foil. Spread the whipped
topping evenly over the ice cream and serve immediately, or
freeze until the topping is firm, then cover and keep frozen
until ready to serve. Cut into wedges, just like fresh
watermelon.
Yield: 10-12 Servings
v
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When is McDonald's going to
realize they'd get *much*
bigger sales with,
"Do you want porn with that?"
v
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Click here: FTV Star ||
Feeling the Vibe Magazine
http://www.feelingthevibe.com/FTVStar.html
Be sure to give everyone a listen then vote for your favorite! Nobody
in this competition is
safe, because each week, one contestant will be eliminated.
As we approach the semi- finals some celebrity judges will give their
opinions of the singers, and yet the
winner is still up to you! A long time friends asks that you vote for
Jessie! She's quite good too!
Click here: Kimberley Locke Interview
http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/%5BrR
American Idol. Celebrity Fit Club. The View. Even though Kimberley Locke is
constantly on television, she loves
performing in dance clubs for the energy and morale boost that her enthusiastic
dance music fans give. With
remixes by Jason Nevins, Almighty, Bronleewe & Bose, and Scotty K, "Change,"
the leadoff single to her sophomore
album Based On a True Story, will keep dancefloors buzzing for her next performance.
Click here: Police announce 2007
world tour schedule
http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/%5BrP
The Police 2007 world tour is now a bona fide reality. Beginning May 28 in Vancouver,
the band will celebrate
its 30th anniversary with an arena tour that will take them through North America
and Europe and keep them
busy through the end of the year. Dates in Mexico, South America, Japan, Australia
and New Zealand are also
possible. 14 North American shows are confirmed, including high profile venues
like Boston's Fenway Park, New
York City's Madison Square Garden and the Bonnaroo Festival in Tennessee:
v
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Jail officials in England found a cell phone hidden in a prisoner's
rear end. Prison officials became suspicious when they heard the
inmate saying, "I'm gonna lose you. My cell phone's about to go
into a tunnel."
v
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Yesterday in New Jersey, a 60-year-old woman became the oldest
woman to give birth to a pair of twins. Afterwards, the 60-year-old
woman said, "It's nice bouncing something on my knees other than
my breasts"
v
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Women's Toy
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Fish Farting
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Sing?
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Here
Just Becasue The Store...
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Trick Or Treat...
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Bad Ass Mommas With Attitude
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I'll Call Ya Back
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One BAD Dog
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Here
v
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Rockin' and Rollin' makes no endorsement or warranty, expressed or implied,
with regard
to featured products or services. Results may vary based on operating
systems and other variables beyond our control
v
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Another issue on it's way to YOU! and another one already in the making!
So meet us back
here next week, same time - same place
but remember, no matter where you are or what you are doing,
never,
ever,
EVER
forget to
keep
on rockin'
it's
a state of mind
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©1999
- 2007 - Deborah Austin - All rights reserved and held by Rockin' and
Rollin'
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