Welcome
to
Editor:
DebsSweet
Graphic Editors: Guysbabi, Ditziexx, LuvintheCountry,
CrispySue, kittykab
Children's Book Editor: Amanda260
Internet Security Editor: DebsSweet
PLEASE
Just a reminder to check often about the pet food recall. They have lengthened
the list
of foods that have been tainted twice now.
Sometimes when my computer finishes a defrag, there are still some files left
that didn't go through the process.
It says they're still fragmented. You can find out how to properly get them
to defrag (or if it
is best to leave them alone) in the COMPUTER PROBLEMS area below
Be careful when surfing the Internet. I have checked EACH link submitted
to you and they are in working
order as of this posting. Always be aware of the risks out there and keep
current with your
anti-virus and adware removal software!
If you would like to SIGN UP or BE REMOVED (sure, remove yourself, break my
heart
and force me into therapy for life) from this mailing list, please send an email
to me, deb@debsnewsletter.com and your request will be handled promptly.
Kick up your feet and put your problems behind you cause darlin' it's time to
ROCK AND ROLL!
and don't forget to buckle your seatbelts, cause it's going to be a wild
ride!
"I wondered what happened to you and your fantastic letter. I was clearing
out folders from AOL and I
had one with your great sends..................so I clicked on the archives
and..........................you're still
doing them and I have missed do many and I have missed you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Please sign me up or tell me how to sign my self up. Thanks for still being
here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Deborah"
Chauncy1957
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When short hemlines came back into
fashion, I dug an old miniskirt out
of my closet. I tried it on, but couldn't
figure out what to do with my other leg.
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The
Top 16 Poor Responses to the Question "Does This Make Me Look Fat?"
16> "Not to Stevie Wonder."
15> "Big time! That's why I'm sleeping with your best friend."
14> "Does this tie make me look stupid?"
13> "No way! You look *least* fat in that outfit!"
12> "I guess there's not much point in asking if you mean fat
with an 'f' or phat with a 'ph.'"
11> "No hablo ingles."
10> "Yes, but it also makes you look like a pricey hooker, so things balance
out."
9> "No, but taking it *off* sure does."
8> "If I answer that question, then the terrorists have won."
7> "Okay, listen: What's important is that you not focus in
a negative way on the comparison I am about to make."
6> "Not if you were travelling at the speed of light."
5> "Yes, but in my country obesity suggests prosperity."
4> "Let me jog around to your front and take a look."
3> "No, honey. But just to be safe, steer clear of one-legged sea captains."
2> "Whoa! A talking couch!!"
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Poor Response
to the
Question "Does This Make Me Look Fat?"...
1> "May I consult the Iraqi Minister of Information before
answering that?"
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Click here: Debsnewsletter
- Archives
http://www.debsnewsletter.com/archives.shtml
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*submtted by*
ron_stott@yahoo.com
One Christmas, a parent decreed that she was no longer going to remind
her teen age children of their thank-you note duties. As a result their
grandmother never received acknowledgments of the generous checks she had given.
The next year things were different, however.
"The children
came over in person to thank me," the grandparent told a friend triumphantly.
"How wonderful!" the friend exclaimed. "What
do you think
caused their change in behavior?"
"Oh, that's easy," the grandmother replied.
"This year I didn't
sign the checks."
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Run, IE Run!
In general, if you want IE to run faster, you need to get a
faster Internet connection. But if you're stuck with a slow
connection, and you're a bit desperate, there's one trick that
will speed up IE -- but at a price. You can turn off graphics.
When you tell IE to load a page without the graphics, the browser
displays an empty box where the image would be. That's a bit like
going to the Louvre and seeing only empty picture frames, but if
you want to get through quickly, it may help.
Here's how:
1. Choose Tools, Internet Options. The Internet Options
dialog box opens.
2. Click the Advanced tab.
3. Scroll down to the Multimedia section and deselect the
Show Pictures check box.
4. Click OK to close the dialog box.
Find 9 books in 1 within the Windows XP All-in-One Desk Reference
For Dummies [ http://www.dummies.com/WileyCDA/DummiesTitle/productCd-0764574639.html?cid=etipBookLink
],
by Woody Leonhard.
Related Articles
Printing a Web Page with Internet Explorer 6
[ http://www.dummies.com/WileyCDA/DummiesArticle/id-1332.html?cid=etipArticleLink
]
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The
Top 8 Reasons The Aliens Find Our Cows So Interesting
8> The easy accessibility of the probe portal.
7> Their deep space scanners apparently picked up the fabled moon jump.
6> Because even the toughest, stringiest, skankiest cow
hands-down beats Arcturan squirrel jerky.
5> The Neptune Stuckey's serves big tasty brownies, but only
liquid methane to wash them down.
4> "Moo" is a homophone for a highly seductive word in Altairian.
3> Cows alone can unleash the potential of Jovian Rice
Krispie-powered spacecraft.
2> On their atmosphere-stripped homeworld, Holstein camouflage
makes their storm troopers damned near invisible.
and the Number 1
Reason The Aliens
Find Our Cows
So Interesting...
1> 17 years to get here with nothing to read in the bathroom but
Andromedan Teat & Udder magazines.
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Click
here: The Rapid City Journal
http://www.rapidcityjournal.com/articles/2006/11/13/news/local/news01.txt
The services that Working Against Violence, Inc. offers to victims of domestic
abuse are aimed at convincing them
that they are in control of their own safety, according to Mark Rambow, WAVI
development director.
Click
here: PC World - Privacy Watch: Phishers Put Their Lures on Cell Phones
http://www.pcworld.com/article/id,127845/article.html?tk=nl_caxcol
Have you ever been SMiShed? That's not as personal a question as it may sound
to the
uninitiated, but it does relate to protecting your personal data.
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*submitted by*
DeVulcano
Murphy's
Lesser Known Laws
Light travels faster than sound.
That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Those who live by the sword, get shot by those who don't.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
The 50-50-90 rule:
Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a
90%
probability you'll get it wrong.
If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be
stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in
the fog.
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those
who got there first.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day, drinking beer.
Flashlight: A metal tube in a pilot's flight bag used to store dead batteries.
The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong.
A tax is a fine for doing well.
*When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people
who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
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*submitted by*
jacksinfla@earthlink.net
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*submitted by*
ron_stott@yahoo.com
BUMPER
STICKERS
If you don't like the way I'm driving, YOU come get these handcuffs off!
If you are close enough to read this, I am close enough to slam on my
brakes and sue you.
Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.
Drive carefully, we need every taxpayer we can get.
Drive defensively - buy a tank.
Don't make me mad - I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Go on, I'll see you at the next traffic light.
I may be slow but I'm ahead of you!
Where are we going and what am I doing in this handbasket?
On the back of an old pickup: If this truck was a horse, I'd have to shoot it.
I brake for tailgaters. Hard.
If you can read this, you are in phaser range.
Red meat isn't bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is.
FREE TIBET! (with the purchase of a 44 oz. drink).
My kid was Prisoner of the Month at Orange County Jail.
*Get in - buckle up - pipe down - and hold on!
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*submitted by*
oldwild@juno.com
Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her
quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a
CUT-glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things,
a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its
strange floater,
but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
"Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?"
pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little
package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it
would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."
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MEDEIVAL MARKETS, MISSISSIPPI MUSEUMS
Leisure travelers come in many varieties. While many are
content to visit the tried and true - their traditional
family vacation spots or the Hawaiian or Western European
vacations they’ve always dreamed of taking - many others are
looking for something new.
Their quest for new experiences has led to some unlikely
inclusions on several recent lists of top travel
destinations for 2007.
Places like Northern Ireland that tend to conjure violent
images are now getting rave reviews. Countries like
Eithiopia, Romania and Namibia that have made news mainly
because of their population’s poverty and need, are drawing
curious tourists. And some places that the average traveler
may not have even heard of - the African nation of Gabon,
the former Soviet republic of Turkmenistan, and the towns of
Millinocket, Anna Maria and Bishop in the United States -
are getting tagged as hot places to visit.
Here's a rundown of what three respected travel authorities
are saying:
Frommer's recently named its top 12 travel destinations that
should not be missed. The list is based on it's writers'
experiences in thriving, surprising or emerging travel
markets.
* Krakow, Poland
This medieval former capital survived the destruction that
befell the rest of the country during World War II and is
now a UNESCO World Heritage Site. Among the historic
landmarks are the gargoyle-bedecked Cloth Hall, a medieval
covered market still bustling with tourists and street
vendors; Wawel, the royal castle; and the gothic,
14th-century St. Mary's Basilica. Surprisingly, wireless
Internet access is everywhere, and the city’s many festivals
feature cutting-edge music and art.
* Tokyo, Japan
The city provides a hyper-urban experience that is cheaper
than London or New York. Public transit is manageable, and
the city is very walking-friendly. The guide recommends
Shimokitazawa, the Greenwich Village of Tokyo, with its
cafes, small boutiques and cheap noodle shops. Omotesando is
Tokyo's version of the Champs-Elysees; a wide boulevard of
designer boutiques and shops.
* Minneapolis, Minnesota
This Midwestern city, already known for its fine arts
community, is experiencing a cutting-edge design boom.
There’s the sleek, new Guthrie Theater, the recently
expanded Walker Art Center, and an addition to the Weisman
Art Museum at the University of Minnesota is in the works.
Along the Mississippi River is a series of lakes that wind
through downtown, where people can bike, jog, or just hang out.
* Panama
Panama has much of the same appeal as a destination like
Costa Rica - rainforests, volcanoes, snorkeling. But Panama
City is the only metropolis that has a rainforest within the
city limits. On a clear day, hikers at the summit of Volcan
Barú can often see both oceans at the same time. Isla Coiba,
once home to a penal colony, is now part of a national park
and UNESCO World Heritage Site that has the second-largest
coral reef in the eastern Pacific. Here, you can see sharks,
dolphins, turtles, whales and other big marine life.
* Asheville, North Carolina
Located in the beautiful Smoky Mountains, Asheville is a
small college town with a thriving arts, culture, and gay
and lesbian scene. Recently, it has been drawing literati
and celebrities who had gravitated to New Orleans as a hub
of culture. With the Blue Ridge Parkway nearby, the area is
also great for driving tours and shopping trips to numerous
crafts and pottery shops.
* Ethiopia
The country has finally emerged from years of political
strife, economic hardship, and famine. Improved
infrastructure has made traveling there increasingly
popular, especially among independent-minded travelers.
Ethiopia is revered for its rich history as one of the
earliest Christian kingdoms, and the town of Aksum is said
to be the home of the ancient Ark of the Covenant. The guide
suggests a visit to the monolithic churches of Lalibela,
especially the Church of St. George, which is carved into
the shape of a cross.
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You know how when you see a hot chick bending
over and you just know you're a little too far
to the left to see down her shirt, so you take
a step over to the right to get a better look?
Well, you've got to say something less obvious
than "Nice hooters, babe!" because
it turns out Mom's got a mean left hook.
(Bill
Ervin)
Bovine sodomy: cunnilangus.
(Jeff
Lyons)
I've always had plenty of ILFs, but now
that I'm 34 with a mortgage and a minivan,
more and more of them seem to be MILFs.
(Travis
Ruetenik)
The agony of having spilled acid down
my pants was quickly tempered by the
breathtaking, once-in-a-lifetime
opportunity to watch a penis melt.
(Mike
Rampton)
I scared my husband into having sex with
me. Poor guy had a case of petrified wood.
(Stephanie
S. Thompson)
When someone asks me why, as a Jew, I can't
just celebrate Christmas like everybody else,
I tell them that according to my penis, I've
got a contract with God not to celebrate such
things. And I ALWAYS listen to my penis.
(Slick
Sharkey)
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*submitted by*
Jrhooch023
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Our four children, always on the go, frequently communicate
with each other by leaving notes around the house telling where
they've gone, what they're doing, or whatever. Recently, we came
across the following written exchange between Michael, 18, and
Steve, his 12-year-old brother: "Steve--borrowed your hairbrush.
I'll return it when I get back. If you need one, mine is in Mom's
car (which is why I had to borrow yours).--Mike"
Steve's response, written on the same note was: "Mike -- It's not
mine. It's the dog's. Steve"
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*submitted by*
ron_stott@yahoo.com
Mary asks her husband, John, if he'd like some breakfast: "Would you like bacon
and
eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast? Grapefruit and coffee to follow?"
He declines: "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my
appetite."
At lunchtime, Mary asks if he would like something: "A bowl of homemade soup,
homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?"
He declines: "It's this Viagra," he says, "it's really taken the edge off my
appetite."
Come dinnertime, she again asks John if he wants anything to eat. She'll go
to the store and buy him some
food. Would he like maybe a steak and apple pie? Maybe he'd like a pizza microwaved
or a tasty stir-fry that would only take a couple of minutes?
John declines: "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off
my appetite."
Exasperated, Mary gives him an elbow and says, "Would you mind letting me up?
I'm starving!"
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*submitted by*
lg1@tampabay.rr.com
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up in Jack's minivan
and headed north. After
driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled
into a nearby farm and
asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to
myself, but I'm recently
widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid neighbors will talk if I let you stay in
my house."
"Don't worry," Jack sa id. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the
weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in
for the night. Come morning,
the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend
of skiing.
About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It
took him a few minutes
to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of
that
attractive widow he had m et on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking
widow from....."
"Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and
pay her a visit?"
"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. I have to admit
that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why
do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
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Click here: Motown History, Music,
and Songs
http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/%5Bm1
Everything you've always wanted to know about Motown
Click
here: Record Shows and Fairs with OIdies Music
http://clk.about.com/?zi=18/15q/C&sdn=oldies&cdn=entertainment&tm=7&gps=45_608_1193_850&f=00&su
=p284.5.420.ip_p532.0.400.ip_p445.92.150.ip_&tt=11&bt=0&bts=0&zu=http%
3A//oldies.about.com/od/recordshows/Record_Shows_and_Fairs.htm
Sites that list all upcoming records shows and fairs worldwide, so
that you can find the oldies music you crave!
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A pickpocket was appearing in court for a series of petty
crimes. "Mr. Brewster," the judge said, "you are hereby found
guilty and fined the sum of $150."
After consulting with his client, Mr. Brewster's lawyer stood
up and said, "Your Honor, my client is a little short at this
time. He has only $125 in his pocket, but if you would allow him
a few minutes in the crowd...."
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Dogs are being trained to use cash machines for their disabled
owners. They insert and withdraw cards at ATMs to help owners in
wheelchairs who are not able to reach.
A spokesman for charity Canine Partners, which trains the dogs,
said: "They put in the card and take it out and take out the money
and give it to the person in the wheelchair.
Up to 30 dogs are trained each year and the charity is hoping to
double that figure next year.
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"In a study, scientists report that drinking beer can be good
for your liver. I'm sorry, did I say 'scientists'? I meant Irish people."
Tina Fey
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Click here: GlobZ MiniGame
http://www.miniglobz.com/games/twin_en.html
Another little game -- unlike any I have seen - there may be more at this site
*submitted by*
BADVETTE87
Click
here: http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbody/sleep/sheep/reaction_version5.swf
http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbody/sleep/sheep/reaction_version5.swf
See how good your reactions are in this game
*submitted by*
pavanco1@earthlink.net
Click here: Caiman free games,free utilities,freeware
games breakout,arcade
,pacman,tetris,pinball,3D games,etc - gratis spelle
http://www.caiman.us/
LOOK at all the games you can play!
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This is a true story and it seems to bring lots of laughs at the
VA Medical Clinic in Austin, TX.
My husband was talking to another AF Vet who mentioned how much
better AF had things. My husband said, "Oh, I don't know any
of that. Actually, I married my old Army Buddy."
After the man left, my husband turned to me and said, "Honey,
you think I should have told him you were an Army MEDIC?"
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A rather large lady had saved her money for a long time to be able
to afford a cruise on a ship to the Bahama's.
When she gets settled in her cabin she goes to the dining room for
her first meal on board, and is invited to sit at the Captain's table.
As she is seated at the table a mimmicking voice behind her loudly
squawks, "Aawwk, Lady! How's your hole?"
Totally embarrassed, she turns to see a parrot on his perch
behind her. She says to the steward, "Will you "Please" get rid
of that foul mouthed beast?"
The steward replies, "I can't madam, that is the Captains parrot,
which he dearly loves."
As the meal progresses to its end the bird continues to harrass
the lady with his loud squawks, "Aawwk, Lady! How's your hole?"
The embarrassed woman finally retires to her cabin and goes into
a restless sleep.
In the middle of the night the ship sinks rather suddenly and the
lady finds herself floating in the ocean on a chest. As daylight
breaks the next morning the lady hears this loud squawk behind her,
"Aawwk, Lady! How's your Hole?"
The lady turns around to see the parrot floating on some debris
and she replies, "Aah, Shut Up!"
The parrot says, "Aawwk, Mine too! Must be the salt water!"
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Pink
Tequila
1 1/2 oz Tequila
1 oz Dry Vermouth
1 dash Grenadine
Mix ingredients in a shaker with
ice and strain into cocktail glass.
Thunderclap
3/4
oz Gin
3/4 oz Blended Whiskey
3/4 oz Brandy
Ice Shake with ice and strain into a glass
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"Do you know the present value of your husband's policy?"
the life-insurance salesman asked his client.
"What do you mean?" countered the woman.
"If you should lose your husband, what would you get?"
asked the salesman.
The woman thought a minute, then brightened up and said, "Probably a poodle."
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NOTE:
Reuters has reported that 1/3rd of American
households do not have Internet access and
have no plans to obtain it anytime soon.
The Top 7 Differences Parenting in an Internetless House
7> There's no arguing with the explanation, "I have to borrow the
car and go to the library."
6> Rather than e-mail, IM, or chatrooms, you'll now have to
actually interact with your kids in person.
5> Net Nanny is now the kids' aged female tennis instructor.
4> You can go back to spying on your daughter the old fashioned
way, by reading the diary hidden under her mattress.
3> Your cabling needs now reflect only what happens in the
privacy of your own bedroom, if, that is, the kids will *give*
you any privacy in the bedroom.
2> Your teenage son learns about the birds and bees the old
fashioned way: Pencil drawings in medical dictionaries and
African tribal issues of National Geographic.
and the Number 1 Difference
Parenting
in an
Internetless House...
1> Threatening to "Pull the plug" make Grandma a lot more nervous than Billy.
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My wife always makes a federal case out of
everything, but that's likely because my
screw-ups usually cross multiple state boundaries.
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Click here: What
American accent do you have?
http://gotoquiz.com/what_american_accent_do_you_have
To most Americans, an accent is something that only other people have, those
other people usually being
in New York, Boston, and the South. And of those other people, half of the ones
you meet will swear they "don't have an accent."
Well, strictly speaking, the only way to not have an accent is to not speak.
If you're from anywhere in the USA you have
an accent (which may or may not be the accent of the place you're from). Go
through this short
quiz and you'll find out just which accent that is.
Click here: AnnualCreditReport
https://www.annualcreditreport.com/cra/index.jsp
Fight identity theft by monitoring and reviewing your credit report. You may
request your free credit report online,
by phone or
through the mail.
Free credit reports requested online are viewable immediately upon authentication
of identity.
Free credit reports requested by phone or mail will be processed within 15 days
of receiving your request
Click here: Best Listings
Site on the Web!
http://auctions.worldstart.com/index.php
It's not Ebay - but you might find something here!
Click
here: HBO: Autopsy: Episode Guide: The Angel of Death: Episode 02
http://www.hbo.com/autopsy/episode/episode_2_the_angel_of_death.html
Documentary -- very interesting if you like this sort of thing
Click here:
Sony Vaio C Series Notebook Computer - Pink Laptops for Everyone
http://www.savvy-chick.net/love/sony-vaio-pink-notebook/
How cool is this! I ordered my daughter one!
Click
here: Xinhua - English
http://news.xinhuanet.com/english/2006-12/18/content_5501941.htm
Absolutely amazing pics of space through Hubble Telescope
Click
here: :: rogerebert.com :: Editor's Notes :: <strike>101</strike>
102 Movies You Must See Before... (xhtml)
http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20060420/EDITOR/60419010
102 Movies you must see!
Click here: CityNews: Study
Reveals Surprising Facts About Men & Women Drivers
http://www.citynews.ca/news/news_7065.aspx
Study reveals surprising facts about MEN AND WOMEN DRIVERS
Click
here: Damn Cool Pics: Weird Skin Burning Tattoos
http://damncoolpics.blogspot.com/2007/03/weird-skin-burning-tattoos.html
This is extreme -- I had no idea....
Click here: stoprosie.com - 24,742 people
believe the USA is a noble country!
http://www.stoprosie.com/
This site is to influence current and prospective viewers of The View to not
watch the program until the situation
of Rosie O'Donnell and her anti-American falsities is rectified by Disney-ABC.
*for calling this boycott is to raise awareness of the anti-American rhetoric
being displayed in the mainstream media today.
We aim to show Disney-ABC (and their sponsors) that we, as American citizens,
will no longer enable an
anti-American individual to occupy our network television airtime.
comes in the form of an online petition. We ask for your support in signing
this petition, proving to Disney-ABC
that if the problem is not addressed, they will lose a significant portion of
their audience.
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Two very elderly friends, Max and Wally, met in the park every
day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world
problems. One day Wally didn't show up. Max didn't think much
about it, figured maybe he had a cold or some such.
But after Wally hadn't shown up for a week or so Max really got
worried. However, the only time they ever got together anymore
(they used to play a lot of golf together) was at the park, and
Max couldn't remember where Wally lived so he was unable to find
out what had happened to him.
A month passed and Max figured old Wally had gone to his heavenly
reward, but one day Max approached the park and, lo and behold,
there sat Wally! Max was very excited and happy to see him and
told him so!
Then he said, "For crying out loud Wally, what happened to you?"
Wally replied, "I have been in jail."
"Jail?," cried Max!! "What in the world for?"
"Well," Wally said, "You know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress
at the coffee shop where we sometimes get coffee?"
"Yeah" said Max, "I remember her. What about her?"
"Well one day last month she got mad at me and to get even, she
charged me with rape. I was so proud of what everyone would think,
that an old guy like me could still do, that when I got into court,
I pled 'Guilty'.
The judge then took a good look at me and gave me 30 days for perjury.
v
v v v v
My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He
asked me how old I was, and I told him, "62." He was quiet for a
moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"
v
v v v v
by deb
Heartburn
by
Nora Ephron
Is it possible to write a sidesplitting novel about the breakup of the perfect
marriage? If the writer is Nora
Ephron, the answer is a resounding yes. For in this inspired confection of adultery,
revenge, group therapy,
and pot roast, the creator of Sleepless in Seattle reminds us that comedy depends
on anguish as surely as a proper
gravy depends on flour and butter. Seven months into her pregnancy, Rachel Samstat
discovers that her
husband, Mark, is in love with another woman. The fact that the other woman
has "a neck as long as an arm
and a nose as long as a thumb and you should see her legs" is no consolation.
Food sometimes is, though,
since Rachel writes cookbooks for a living. And in between trying to win Mark
back and loudly wishing him dead,
Ephron's irrepressible heroine offers some of her favorite recipes. Heartburn
is sinfully delicious
novel, as soul-satisfying as mashed potatoes and as airy as a perfect souffle.
I found this book to be so funny -- this is the lady who wrote "I feel bad about
my neck" that
I reviewed a while back and loved. I liked that one better but this one
is funny
as well. I recommend it.
v
v v v v
Nadine: I've decided to throw myself at that gorgeous new man at
the health club.
Jill: Hmmm, I heard that he prefers women who play hard to get.
Nadine: Honey, I'm not playing. I mean business.
v
v v v v
"I think Rover is getting a bit old, he seems to be going deaf."
"Bullshit, watch this...Rover sit! Oh dear, you're right, I'll
get the shovel and clean it up!"
v
v v v v
v
v v v v
One in 10 eight-year-olds do not realise pork chops come from
pigs - and some even believe cows lay eggs. A new survey also
reveals nearly two out of 10 children had no idea where yoghurt
came from. And eight per cent of city youngsters did not realise
beefburgers came from cows - compared to 3% who live in the
country. Two per cent of urban kids thought cows produced eggs. But
all children knew milk came from cows. The Dairy Farmers of Britain
asked more than 1,000 children aged eight to 15 where they thought
eggs, cheese, yoghurt, bacon, pork chops and beefburgers came
from. A spokesman said: "A significant proportion, particularly
those living in the city, are unaware of the process involved in
making their food."
v
v v v v
Maury was telling Pauly about his trip to Amsterdam: "You ain't
gonna believe this, buddy, but I went to a whorehouse and got
hooked up with SIAMESE TWINS!"
"Wow!" said Pauly, "was it good?"
Maury: "Well, yes and no."
v
v v v v
Click
here: Hoax Encyclopedia: Virus hoaxes
http://clk.about.com/?zi=18/15r/5&sdn=antivirus&cdn=compute&tm=38&gps=19_173_1193_850&f=00&su=p
284.5.420.ip_&tt=3&bt=0&bts=0&zu=http%3A//antivirus.about.com/od/emailhoaxes/l/blenhoax.htm
Virus hoaxes, scams, and chain letters abound in email. Before forwarding that
dire sounding warning or too good to
be true promise, check the validity of it here. Chances are, it's a hoax. Virus
hoaxes and myths waste time and money - and
can make the sender look foolish. Don't fall victim to a virus hoax. Check the
list
of hoaxes below to find out the facts behind that email.
Click
here: » Top Ten Threats for 2007 | Threat Chaos | ZDNet.com
http://ct.zdnet.com/clicks?t=24253611-806f0115a755e77dbd661609f3a0db00-bf&s=5&fs=0
Predictions for the top ten threats!
v
v v v v
Running late for a job interview at a large men's fashion company,
I grabbed a white dress shirt that I didn't have time to iron. The
interview went well -- until the end.
"Just a word of advice," said my interviewer.
"You might want to iron your shirt before your next job interview."
I held up the back of my shirt collar, revealing the tag. On it was
the name of that very clothing company and the words "wrinkle-free."
I got the job.
A Navy officer was cutting through the crew's quarters of his ship one
day
and happened upon a sailor reading a magazine with his feet up on the
small
table in front of him.
"Sailor! Do you put your feet up on the furniture at home?" the officer
demanded.
"No, sir, but we don't land airplanes on the roof either."
v
v v v v
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v
v v v v
A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess
with
his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly
believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen."
"Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games
out of five."
v
v v v v
Late one Sunday afternoon, a blonde from a small town was taking a long
walk through a nearby meadow, when she was surprised to see a
parachutist trapped in the high branches of a tree.
"Hellllllp!" he cried when he spotted her down below.
"What are you doing up there?" she called back.
"I was skydiving," he answered, "and my parachute didn't open!"
The blonde rolled her eyes. "Well, of course it didn't. If you'd just
asked one of the locals, anybody could've told you that *nothing*
around here opens on a Sunday!"
v
v v v v
*submitted by*
KP1983
v
v v v v
A woman starts dating a married doctor. Before too
long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what
to do. About nine months later, just about the time
she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the
hospital for a prostate gland infection.
The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do.
After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby
to him and tell him it was a miracle."
"Do you think it will work?" she asks the doctor.
"It's worth a try," he says. So the doctor delivers
the baby and then operates on the priest. After the
operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father,
you're not going to believe this."
"What?" says the priest. "What happened?"
"You gave birth to a child."
"But that's impossible!"
"I just did the operation," insists the doctor. "It's
a miracle! Here's your baby."
About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes
that he must tell his son the truth. One day he sits
the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to
tell you. I'm not your father."
The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?"
The priest replies, "I'm your mother. The archbishop is your father."
v
v v v v
F U CN RD THS U CNT SPL WRTH A DM!
v
v v v v
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v
v v v v
*submitted by*
jacksinfla@earthlink.net
>Jack asked his first grade teacher if he could go to the bathroom.
>She said, "Yes".
>When he went to wipe his fanny there was no toilet paper so, he use his
>hand.
>When he got back to class, his teacher asked, "What do you have in your
>hand?"
>Little Jack said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get
>scared away."
>He was then sent to the principals office and the principal asked him,
>"What do you have in your hand?"
>The little Jack said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll
get
>scared away."
>The principal got mad and yelled, "Open your hands NOW!"
>He did and the little Jack said, "Oh great , now look what you did, you
>scared the shit out of him!"
v
v v v v
*submitted by*
WMBAAS
The Democratic National Committee is currently polling Americans through
the Internet to determine the
electability of Hillary Clinton for the presidency of the United States in
2008.
If you would like to show your support for Hillary and encourage her to
run for President of the United States
in 2008 please add your name to the bottom of the list below and send
it on.
1.William Jefferson Clinton
2.
v
v v v v
While working in the psychology department at Glen Oaks Community
College in Centreville, MI, I was asked to enlarge a chart for a
meeting. I called the copy room and asked,
"Can I get something blown up down there?"
After a pause the voice on the line replied,
"I think you want the chemistry lab."
v
v v v v
*submitted
by*
BADVETTE87
Click here: I Do Dog
Tricks
http://www.idodogtricks.com/index_flash.html
Type in a command and see what happens...sit, roll over, down, shake, fetch,
play dead etc. and...
make sure you type in "Kiss" too. but do it last ..too cute!!
Click here: Cats
and Dogs
http://mysthillarium.com/anthology/cats-dogs.htm
With
or Without You
Does your dog get destructive when you're gone all day? It might be separation
anxiety that's fueling her behaviors. Try these steps.
Spend 20 minutes every day ignoring your dog so alone time won't feel so strange.
Also, while you are still at
home try isolating her for a few minutes each day in her safe zone, be it a
crate or a room she hangs out in when
you're gone. Start with just a few minutes, but you can work up to an hour or
two until she's comfortable
being there by herself. When you do leave, give her plenty to do -- chew toys,
treat puzzles, and other diversions. Upon
your return, don't make a big deal of it. Just go about your business for a
few
minutes and say hello when your dog is calmer.
v
v v v v
The
Top 7 Signs People Just Aren't Getting A Holiday
7> Canada Day: Italian men give pretty young ladies a honking big goose.
6> Veterans Day: Dog and cat owners everywhere deliver presents
to their pet's doctor.
5> Valentine's Day: Seven dead, fifteen wounded at speed-dating
gathering. Local archer in custody.
4> Easter: Shopping sprees for traditional anti-zombie charms.
3> Yom Kippur: Gentile office workers "atone" by photocopying
various body parts.
2> Cinco de Mayo: This has nothing to do with filling bathroom
basins up with Hellman's.
and the Number 1 Sign People Just Aren't Getting A Holiday...
1> Christmas: Giving expensive gifts to bastards.
v
v v v v
Never look a gift horse in the mouth.
Oh, and take it from me: Looking up the
other end doesn't exactly work wonders
for your rep with the other cowboys.
v
v v v v
Q: Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple?
A: Because it tasted better than Adam's banana.
v
v v v v
*submitted
by*
ron_stott@yahoo.com
HANDY HINTS
HINT 1
If you have a dishwasher, put your dirty dishes
directly in the dishwasher. Storing them in the
sink adds an unnecessary step to doing dishes.
When you run the dishwasher try to empty it right away.
HINT 2
Try to put things where they belong right away so as
to avoid handling objects twice and doing twice the
work. For example, don't pile mail on the table to
look at later. Keep an in box for bills, etc. and
toss the junk mail immediately. The same goes with
clean folded clothes put them right into the drawers.
v
v v v v
Paddy was in New York. He was patiently waiting and watching the
traffic cop on a busy street crossing.
The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay,
pedestrians". Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this
several times and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time,
Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the
Catholics across?"
v
v v v v
Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they're
suin' them cigarette companies fer causin' people to git cancer?"
"Yes, Bubba, sure is true," responded the lawyer.
"And now someone is suin' them fast food restaurants fer makin'
them fat an' cloggin' their arteries with all them burgers an'
fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?"
"Sure is, Bubba."
"And that lady sued McDonald's for millions when she was gave that
hot coffee that she ordered?"
"Yep."
"And that football player sued that university when he gradiated
and still couldn't read?"
"That's right," said the lawyer. "But why are you asking?"
"Well, I was thinkin' . . . What I want to know is,
kin I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women I slept with?"
A Texas Redneck was driving his old pick up truck down the road
with his girlfriend at his side when all of a sudden the truck
started to buck and stall. With that, he said to his girlfriend
that he had to get a new truck. He walked down the block and found
a GMC dealership. Once inside a sales lady approaches him and says,
"Sir, may I help you".
He looks at a hummer and says to the saleslady, "How much for
a hummer?"
She replies, well they start at $49,000 and go up from there.
He says, "$49,000. That's a lot of money, I can get one a lot cheaper!"
The saleslady assures him that she has the lowest prices in the
state of Texas. Then she says, "Sir if you can get a hummer cheaper
than what I will give it to you for, I will give you the key to
this truck right now."
With that, the Redneck walks out, gets his girlfriend, brings her
into the dealership and says, "Honey, will you give me a hummer for $50.00.
She says, "Hell yes."
He turns to the saleslady and asks, "Where do I pick up my keys
to that new truck?"
v
v v v v
v
v v v v
One day our German class was unusually talkative despite repeated
warnings, and our teacher was becoming rather exasperated. After
what must have been the sixth or eighth warning, he raised his
voice to declare, "All right! The next person who talks is going
to be severely castigated."
The class was then very quiet for a few seconds, at least until
a girl in the front row asked the teacher, "Mr. T--, how are you
going to do that to a girl?"
v
v v v v
A small social club was trying to organize a baseball team.
They could only muster eight players, but finally found a ninth
to play. In desperation, they called on a new member, Putty Duh,
to join their team. During their first game, Putty came to bat.
On the first pitch, he knocked the ball out of the park.
"Run!" his teammates cried. "Dammit, run!"
Putty turned, and stared at them icily. "I will not run!," he
replied. "Why should I? I'm perfectly willing to buy you guys
another ball."
v
v v v v
How
to Plant a Tree
Here are five steps to the successful planting of a tree.
* Put the tree in place and look at it. Walk around the tree. Turn it so its
best
side is facing toward your view. Make sure the trunk is straight.
* Check the root level. Lay a long piece of board or hoe handle across the hole.
The top of the rootball,
or the spot where there is a color change on the trunk of a bare root tree,
is where the
soil should reach. Planting too deep or shallow can kill a tree.
* Fill the hole halfway with soil. Gently step on it. Step back and make sure
the tree has not tipped.
Gently fill the hole with water, and let it soak in. Check the tree again and
add soil up to the proper level.
* Create a shallow berm around the tree. For the next year or so, whenever
the weather is dry, fill the berm repeatedly, until no more water soaks in.
* Spread one to three inches of mulch over the planting hole. This is enough
to keep weeds down
and conserve moisture. Do not mulch any deeper than this. Mulch applied
too thick can invite rodents and other pests.
v
v v v v
A police officer was investigating an accident on a two- lane,
narrow road in which the drivers had hit virtually head-on.
One driver, an extremely elderly woman, kept repeating, "He wouldn't
let me have my half of the road!"
After gathering as much information as possible, he angrily
approached the other driver, who was examining his own damage. The
police officer asked, "That old lady says that you wouldn't let
her have her half of the road. Why not?
In exasperation, the man turns from his smashed car and says,
"Officer, I would have been HAPPY to give her half of the road ---
if she had just let me know WHICH half she wanted!!!!"
v
v v v v
Put cheese on your hamburger. No point in using only part of the cow
v
v v v v
A biker is facing a driving ban after he filmed himself speeding
at 100 mph and posted the clip on YouTube.
The 37-year-old Englishman was easily identified because he filmed
himself leaving his front door.
The footage was spotted by police who - in the first case of its
kind - are using the video as evidence and have sent a file to the
courts. Detectives expect dangerous driving charges to be brought
within the next few days.
v
v v v v
Click here: Wow.. The Windows Key is useful after all - Simplehelp
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In all honesty, I always thought the “Windows Key” on my keyboard was just a
nuisance. It was just the thing
I accidentally hit once in a while and the darn Start menu would pop up.
Turns out I was wrong, it has a lot of uses.
v
v v v v
A blonde walked into the pet store and, after looking up and down
the aisles, asked the sales clerk for help. "I'd like a box of
birdseed" said the lady.
"For which kind of bird?" he asked helpfully.
"Oh, I dunno," she replied. "Whichever will grow the fastest."
v
v v v v
A speeding motorist was caught by radar from a police helicopter
in the sky. An officer pulled him over and began to issue a
traffic ticket.
"It seems everyone is out to get me lately. How did you know I
was speeding?" the frustrated driver asked.
The police officer pointed somberly toward the sky.
"You mean," asked the motorist, "that I'm not just being
paranoid? Even *He* is trying to get me?"
v
v v v v
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A colonoscopy provides an inside look at your colon and rectum. Although colonoscopy
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Staying healthy at work isn't always easy. With all your coworkers sneezing
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Migraine disease is difficult enough to cope with by itself, but many migraineurs
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"Thyroid Hormone Breakthrough" offers
migraineurs a practical guide to identifying and seeking treatment for these
hormonal imbalances.
v
v v v v
"Remember the group, The Police? They said, "We're never going to
get back together? They announced their world tour today. People
tend to be nostalgic for when they were in their early 20s. I am
nostalgic for the 80s. There's already a 90s, revival. Think about
it: There's a Bush in the White House; We're at war with Iraq;
Tupac has a new album out"
Craig Ferguson
v
v v v v
On my four-year-old daughter's first trip to Disneyland, she
couldn't wait to get on Mr.Toad's Wild Ride. As the car zoomed
through all the crazy rooms, into the path of a speeding train,
and through the walls that fell away at the last second, she
clutched the little steering wheel in front of her.
When the ride was over, she said to me a little shakily, "Next time,
you drive. I didn't know where I was going."
v
v v v v
My youngest daughter, Carrie (who is now 9 years old). She was
either 4 or 5 years old at the time, and had gotten into some
mischief. I don't even remember what she had done, but you know
how parents 'give the talk.'
I was reading her the riot act and I said, "Carrie! You are going
to have to start paying attention!"
She looked up at me with tears welling up in her little blue eyes
and her bottom lip quivering and said, "But, Mom, I don't have any money."
v
v v v v
Click here: Dear Bubba!
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Victor's Secret!
v
v v v v
A young woman drove into the garage where I had a summer job. She
told me this was her first car, and it was time for an oil
change. Wanting only the best for her prized possession, she'd
brought her own filter and oil.
When I crawled under the car, she watched my every move. After
the old oil was drained, she gave me the new filter, saying she
had bought the very best product for her car after overhearing a
conversation between her mother and a neighbor on the subject of
oil. With a confident smile, she handed me two cans of Pure Extra
Virgin Olive Oil.
v
v v v v
Finally breaking through all of the old grudges,
confronting past hurts, and truly forgiving my
ex-husband was easy. Giving him that hug that says
"everything's okay" was easy. The hard part was
digging his dismembered corpse out of my flower bed.
v
v v v v
Click
here: 25 Ways a Woman Can Superglue Her Marriage -- ThirdAge
http://www.thirdage.com/news/articles/ALT03/05/04/19/ALT03050419-01.html
What exactly is the anatomy for keeping romance alive? Check your attitude.
Accept and appreciate
the many differences between men and women. Be very clear about what you need.
Here are
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here: Food That Leaves You Looking Great -- Without Eating a Thing -- ThirdAge
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We all deserve to be pampered once in a while, and according to Bharti Vyas,
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'Less Is More' Becomes
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When Sandy Di Stefano sees a woman wearing a lot of makeup, she doesn't think
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Di Stefano prefers a more natural look. No foundation or powder for her in the
morning. A little lip gloss, blush
and eyeliner and she is good to go. "If it's really noticeable, it's like, 'That
doesn't look good,"' said the
31-year-old marketing coordinator for the Italian Trade Commission in Chicago.
v
v v v v
A circus owner walked into a bar to find everyone crowded
about a table watching a little show. On the table was an
upside-down pot and a duck tap dancing on it.
The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy
the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing
they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.
Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in
anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot
before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!"
"That's strange" said the duck's former owner, "did you
remember to light the candle under the pot?"
v
v v v v
Dear Abby:
I am a crack dealer in Jefferson County who has
recently been diagnosed as a carrier of the HIV virus.
My parents live in a suburb of Grubville and one of my
sisters, who lives in High Ridge, is married to a
transvestite. My father and mother have recently been
arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are
currently dependent on my other two sisters, who are
prostitutes in Crystal City.
I have two brothers. One is currently serving a
non-parole life sentence in Fulton for murder of a
teenage boy in 1994.The other brother is currently
being held in the St Louis City Jail on charges of
sexual misconduct with his three children.
I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai
prostitute who lives in Arnold and is still a part
time "working girl" in a brothel. Her time there is
limited as we hope to open our own brothel with her as
the working manager. I am hoping my two sisters would
be interested in joining our team. Although I would
prefer them not to prostitute themselves,it would get
them off the street, and hopefully, the heroin habits.
All things considered, my main problem is this. I love
my fiance and look forward to bringing her into the
family and I certainly want to be totally honest with
her. Should I tell her about my distant cousin who is French?
Signed,
Worried About My Reputation
v
v v v v
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Once the smoke has cleared, or at least lightened up, many emotions fill the
mind and heart of a man who has just gone through a divorce.
Some men are filled with grief and loss as they think about the relationship
they have lost.
Some men are filled with happiness and excitement as they consider their newfound
freedom.
The last group of men who are neither happy nor sad are very angry. These men
feel like they have been handed
a raw deal and are not going to pay for something they not only did not want,
but also do not like.
v
v v v v
A man went to the store with his 3 year-old daughter in tow. Since
he was just there to grab some essentials like milk and bread,
he opted to save some time by not pushing a cart around the store.
"That's not the way Mommy does it," his daughter informed him.
"I know, dear, but Daddy's way is OK, too," he replied.
Leaving the store in the rain and without a cart, he carried the bag
of groceries, his daughter, and the milk quickly to the car. Not
wanting to set anything down on the wet ground, he set the jug of
milk on top of the car, efficiently whisked open the car door with
his now free hand, scooted the groceries in and daughter into the
car seat in one swift motion, and hopped in himself.
"That's not the way Mommy does it," his daughter informed him again.
"Honey, there's more than one way to do things," the father replied
patiently. "Daddy's way is OK, too."
As they pulled out and headed down the street, he became aware
of the scraping sound on the roof as the jug of milk slid down
the length of the rooftop, bounced off the trunk of the car and
splattered to the ground, sending a froth of white milk in every direction.
In the millisecond he took to process his mistake, his young
daughter looked at him, and in a most serious voice said, "That's
NOT the way Mommy does it."
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The beautiful part of writing is that you don't have to get it
right the first time, unlike, say, a brain surgeon.
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*submitted
by*
GRANDPASAM56
Click here: Always
and Forever
http://www.man4260.com/always/AlwaysAndForever.html
2. Click
here: Listen To The Falling Rain
http://www.angelfire.com/space/assorted/listentothefallingrain.html
3. Click
here: Love Child
http://www.angelfire.com/ok5/xx-amber-xx/love_child.html
v
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Q: Why does a one-story brothel make more money than a two-story brothel?
A: Because there's no fucking overhead.
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My husband's cousin married a former Marine who now works for United
Parcel Service. They bought their four-year-old son two stuffed
bears -- one in a UPS uniform and the other in US Marine uniform.
When the boy seemed confused, his father brought out a picture of
himself in full Marine dress uniform. "See, Connor?" he explained,
pointing to the photo and then to the bear. "That's Daddy."
Connor's eyes went from one to the other, and then he asked in a
puzzled voice, "You mean you used to be a bear?"
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"I thank God I was raised Catholic, so sex will always be dirty."
John Waters
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Erin
worldstart.com
Q.
Sometimes
when my computer finishes a defrag, there are still some files left that didn't
go through the process.
It says they're still fragmented. How can I get them to defrag properly or is
this something that can be left alone?
A:
It's the defragment versus the fragment and I know just what to tell you! Now,
I know all of you are good listeners and you've
taken our advice to perform a defrag
on your computer regularly, right? (Well, if you haven't, you should do so soon!)
So, after your defrag finishes, do you sometimes have a few files that refuse
to defrag? If you do, don't worry too much about it.
This is normal for most computers. Basically, the defrag process focuses on
putting all the parts of a file next to each other on
your hard drive, but in reality, not all files need to be placed that way. Of
course, when the files are compacted together,
creates less work for your hard drive, but that's not at all completely necessary.
Along with that, there are some other reasons why all your files may not defrag.
First of all, your computer needs at least 20
percent of available space to be able to even start a defrag. If you don't have
enough open
space for a particular file, it probably won't change.
The next scenario may be that the file is being used by some other program that
you still have open. It's suggested that
you close down all running programs when you do a defrag, so make sure you do
that next time. There is a way to check
this when your defrag is complete though. Check them by looking through the
list of all the non-defragged files and see if
you do happen to have a program running that may be using them. If so, you can
shut that program down
and start the defrag process again. The file should then go through successfully
for you.
Now, still going along with that, the problem may lie in your operating system.
An operating system usually has several
files open in order to do its normal work. This too can cause a failed defragged
file. To try and avoid this, boot up your
computer using your boot disk instead of doing it the regular way. Running it
from the
CD and not your hard drive may help for the defrag to run properly.
Well, there are some suggestions for you in case you're really worried about
certain files not defragmenting. If you think those
files are severely fragmented, you should go ahead and try those options, but
if they're not, you don't really need to worry
about it. As I said before, some files will still run perfectly fine in their
fragmented mode. Yes, your hard drive will work a little
harder to find all the parts of it each time you want to use that particular
file, but that's part of its job. It's not going
to hurt it, especially if you have the majority of your files defragged and
ready to go.
If you get a testing of at least a 95 percent defrag performance, your computer
will be good to go. If you want, feel free to jump
through the loops of fixing those few files, but sometimes, it's just not worth
the trouble. If you run a defrag regularly,
your computer will be at its best optimum performance and all will be well.
It's your choice!
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At five-ten and 114 pounds, our son Dan is the skinniest player
on his high school team. During one of the games, I remarked to
a cousin, "I wonder why they gave him the uniform with the number
one on it."
"It's probably the only one that fit," she replied
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One morning at Ft. Ord, California, I called the Battery Commander
to let him know my wife was having a baby and that I would be
a little late because I had to take her to the post hospital.
He said it was no problem.
As I went into the orderly room, the new first Sgt. who had just
been transferred from a basic training outfit, began to chew on my
ear for being late. I started to explain, "I called the Captain
and told him...."
He stopped me short and yelled, "You didn't TELL the captain
anything, you ASKED him!"
A Brig. General and a couple of majors were standing near by.
I said, 'You are absolutely right. I called the Captain and asked
him if my wife was having a baby, and if I was going to be late
this morning.' And the captain said, 'OK.'"
The General replied, "WOW, Sarge. you should be an officer."
The Sgt.'s face turned a bright pink as the officers laughed for
a good five minutes.
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*submitted by*
lindaklebe@webtv.net
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Day
in the Life of An Alien
8:15 AM Leave asteroid for work.
9:00 AM Hover over cornfield on outskirts of small Midwestern town.
9:30 AM Land in backyard where housewife is hanging laundry. Silence
barking dog with penetrating gaze.
10:00 AM Stun housewife with laser-gun or energy pulsating
fingertips. Levitate her body just long enough to be glimpsed by
a passing motorist. Materialize the body inside spaceship. Remove
internal organs; weigh, label and categorize. Return most, if
not all, to the body. Erase all traces of surgery. Rematerialize
housewife in backyard. Turn back time two hours. Bid enigmatic
good-bye. Leave.
1:10 PM Visit once prestigious astronomer who everyone thinks has
gone mad. Deliver pep talk. Leave him fist-sized fragments of an
unidentifiable element.
2:15 PM Drop by Whitley Strieber's house, pick up royalty check
from best seller. Communion.
3:00 PM It's Saturday; Beam Mulder psychic impressions where to
go next.
3:20 PM Hover over southwestern desert.
3:30 PM Offer psychotic drifter a lift.
4:30 PM Pose for cover of "Weekly World News" with
Pres. Bush. Discuss ozone depletion, space travel, future political
endorsements.
6:30 PM Back at the asteroid. Introduce psychotic drifter to
other aliens. Listen to Windham Hill.
9:00 PM Dinner. Eat drifter.
10:00 PM Wash antennae, brush eyeballs, peel off outer layer
of skin. Beam cryptic message to NASA satellite. Lights out.
v
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Click here: Stop Overtightening!
http://autorepair.about.com/b/a/000009.htm
Besides the obvious problem of the bolt being impossible to remove by the next
guy, there are some
more serious issues that arise when a bolt is overtightened. A rednecked bolt
is undergoing more
stress than it was designed to handle. This extra stress can cause the bolt
or the nut to fatigue, weakening them and
compromising the safety of your car. The most common victim of redneck tightening
are your lug bolts. We sure
do like to put a little extra grunt into tightening our wheel lugs. But if you
don't properly
tighten your lugs you are
risking damage to both the bolts that hold your wheels on and your wheels themselves!
This is especially true if your
car has alloy wheels, as most do these days. Overtightening the lugs on an alloy
wheel can cause the metal
to distress and weaken the area around the bolt holes. It would take an extreme
situation, but you could
seriously lose it if your wheel self-destructed at highway speed. Treat your
car's bolts with tough love. If you need to
redneck something, grab the lawnmower and redneck the back yard.
Your significant other will no doubt thank you for it.
v
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"It's no good, sir," said the hopeless pupil to his English
teacher. "I try to learn, but everything you say goes in both ears
and out the other."
"Goes in both ears and out the other?" asked the puzzled
teacher. "But you only have two ears, boy."
"Guess I'm no good at math, either!"
v
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The Top 16 Differences If Game Shows Were Hosted by Satan
16> The "Lightning Round" involves actual lightning.
15> "You still have two deathlines available. Do you want to
consult the tarot or phone Hitler?"
14> When your host says, "Come on down!" he ain't kidding!
13> Always the same friggin' parting gift: The director's cut
DVD of "Little Nicky."
12> Spin the wheel? Eat entrails. Daily Double? Eat entrails.
11> The "Name That Tune" orchestra is nothing but a guy playing
a golden fiddle.
10> A true "Daily Double" involves betting your soul *and* having
Richard Simmons as your roommate in hell.
9> Their own having been rendered useless from repeated
poker-stabbings, contestants always eager to buy a bowel.
8> Door #1: Hellfire and damnation.
Door #2: Eternal plagues and pestilence.
Door #3: Room full of telemarketers with your number on speed
dial.
7> Wrong answer? Pitchfork in the ass!
6> "Okay, ladies, here's your question: What did your husbands
say when our hellhounds ripped off and ate their testicles?"
5> "Wheel! Of! Misfortune! And now, your host...
Paaaaaaaat Satanjak!"
4> "I'll take 'No Matter What You Answer, You'll Suffer in Hell
for All Eternity' for $100, master."
3> "You can keep the cattle prod in your rectum or trade it
for what's behind the curtain next to Pol Pot."
2> "... and the Final Jeopardy category is: 'Random Strangers
Your Mom Has Fellated.'"
and Topfive.com's Number
1 Difference
If Game Shows Were Hosted by
Satan...
1> All nine Hollywood Squares are occupied by Baldwin brothers.
v
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Click
here: PC World - PC World Downloads - ShutDownOne
http://www.pcworld.com/downloads/file/fid,25609/description.html?tk=nl_hsxdwn
The more system tray items you have and the more programs are running when you
want to shut down, the longer the
process takes. The Power Options Control Panel is often of little help. A good
alternative is ShutDownOne, a simple
program that shuts down your computer quickly and can do a host of other tasks,
right from the
system tray. This download is a 30-day, full-featured trial of ShutDownOne.
ShutDownOne cut down the time it takes to restart my computer, from 2 minutes,
36 seconds to 1 minute, 43 seconds -- a big time savings.
Just right-click on ShutDownOne's system-tray icon and select what you want
to do from the resulting menu.
The tabbed Options dialog (available in the menu) also lets you set more-specific
actions, like shutting down
after a period of inactivity, setting hot keys for actions, or even executing
a command-line script at a certain time.
You can also delete Internet Explorer cookies before shutting down.
Click
here: PC World - PC World Downloads - ScreenHunter
http://www.pcworld.com/downloads/file/fid,22944/description.html?tk=nl_hsxdwn
This screen capture tool isn't much more demanding than the Print Screen-to-Microsoft
Paint method, but it gives you more control over
the details, such as what the screen shot will contain and where it will end
up. With ScreenHunter, you can print the whole screen
or--instead of cropping the screen shot after it's taken--use a crop-style rectangle
to clip out the region you want ahead of time.
Your screen shots can be saved as bitmap, JPEG, or GIF files.
Click
here: .::Bytecrusher WindowZones| Enhance Windows Security and Improve Anti-Virus
and Anti-Spyware Protection
http://landing.bytecrusher.com/windowzones/genlanding.aspx?Referrer=pw-wz50mail-wz1&cm_mmc=PC%20
World-_-Run%20of%20Network-_-Email-_-Zero%20Day%20HTML%3A%20wz50mail%3A%20WZ
When you run common Internet applications such as a Web Browser, Email, or Instant
Messenger,
your computer must open a "hole" through your firewall in order to communicate.
These ports are also,
unfortunately, some of the primary entry points for new viruses, trojans,
and spyware attacks.
Most
Windows users run their computers with an Administrative account that allows
a virus, trojan, or spyware
infection to gain complete control over the system. It is this powerful
level of access that allows malicious software to do so much damage.
While
good Antivirus programs are useful against known viruses, they rely on "signatures"
to recognize malicious software.
Creating and updating these signatures takes time, and during that time your
computer
is exposed. For this reason, you may wish to consider extra protection
v
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One day MR CLEAN was BOLD enough to ask the FANTASTIC Mademoiselle
LA FRANCE if she would SNUGGLE with him since he was tired of
SOLO performances.
With a CHEER and a loud SHOUT of "YES" she allowed him to WISK her,
quick as a COMET, to a secluded spot where they could CLING FREE
of interruptions.
His first EASY OFF was accomplished in a DASH, but like a DYNAMO,
he made a FRESH START and with a little BOUNCE, he plunged his
CHORE BOY into her GOLDEN FLEECE again and again.
"Ooh la la, BON AMI," she said." Now I'd like to be TIDE to the
bed and pumped with your ARM AND HAMMER."
After that FINAL TOUCH he asked, what do I owe you for ALL this
good clean fun?
Her answer? You guessed it, "409!"
v
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The weather today was fantastic! At work today we went outside and
played basketball. Just as we were about out of time, I got the
ball to take the winning shot, but I missed. One of my teammates
demanded to know why I had missed such an easy shot. "I sprained
my ankle," I told him.
"That's a lame excuse," he replied
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*submitted by*
lindaklebe@webtv.net
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If mini-skirts get any shorter, there'll be two more cheeks to
powder and much more hair to comb.
(Bob Hope pre Brittany Spears or Paris Hilton)
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Can anyone help me figure this out?
Every month or so, my wife becomes very irritable and for a
few days wants nothing to do with me. Call me naive or superstitious, but
I think she maybe turning into a werewolf.
v
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A Polish man is in trouble for offering an online confessional
for Catholics who can't be bothered with church.
Borys Cezar set up the website which welcomed visitors with the
words: "Welcome to the virtual confessional."
It continued, "Now write down your sins against Lord God. Do you
regret your sins?" (yes/no) Do you intend to correct them? (yes/no);
now click on next.
"Please wait... Congratulations, your sins have been forgiven."
Cezar is facing a heavy fine or jail for offending religious
feelings and his website has been closed down.
v
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Click here: ~*~ Friends,
You And Me ~*~
http://www.spiritisup.com/friendsyouandmedm.html
Click
here: "My Angel Friend"
http://www.perfectgreetings.com/index.cfm?action=view&id=5786&scid=10417
Click
here: "Heavenly Happiness"
http://www.perfectgreetings.com/index.cfm?action=view&id=9752&scid=10417
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Braised
Spring Legumes
This unique vegetable dish cooks lots of seasonal ingredients with fresh
mint leaves for a fresh flavor. An excellent side dish.
Ingredients
3 Tbs. extra virgin olive oil
1 C. chopped scallions (white and tender parts; about 6 scallions)
1/2 C. chopped onions
2 1/2 lb. fresh peas in the pod, shelled
1 1/4 lb. fresh fava beans in the pod, shelled, blanched, and peeled
1 C. finely diced zucchini
1/2 tsp. crushed red pepper
Salt
2 C. thinly shredded romaine leaves
1 Tbs. finely shredded fresh mint leaves
Directions
In a large, heavy casserole with a tight-fitting lid, heat the olive oil over
medium heat. Add the scallions and
onions and cook, stirring, until wilted, about 4 minutes. Add the peas, fava
beans, zucchini, and red pepper and
season lightly with salt. Stir well, 1 Tbs. + 1 tsp .reduce the heat to low,
and cover the casserole
tightly. Cook for 15 minutes, stirring occasionally. Add the romaine and mint,
cover the casserole, and cook,
stirring occasionally, until the vegetables are very tender, about 25 minutes
more.
Season to taste with salt and serve hot.
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It's never encouraging when you
ask your parents to tell you about when you were
born and they simply
reply, "Mistakes were made...."
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"Here's some good news. Drug use among teenagers is down. Teenagers
are saying "No" to drugs. Now if we can just get the teenagers to
say "No" to their teachers we'd be in great shape."
--Jay Leno
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Click
here: Oldies Collectors Information
http://clk.about.com/?zi=18/15q/F&sdn=oldies&cdn=entertainment&tm=9&gps=26_661_1193_850&f=00&su=p
445.92.150.ip_&tt=14&bt=1&bts=1&zu=http%3A//oldies.about.com/od/collectors/Collectors_Information.htm
Information for record collectors who love oldies music
Click
here: The Top Ten Oldies of 1967
http://clk.about.com/?zi=18/1TJ/11&sdn=oldies&cdn=entertainment&tm=9&gps=125_1_1176_850&f=00
&su=p445.92.150.ip_&tt=14&bt=1&bts=1&zu=http%3A//oldies.about.com/od/60srockers/tp/topten1967.htm
This list was compiled by the author at this site, your Oldies Guide at About.com,
from various sources --
chart positions, sales figures from time of release to the present day, critical
standing, and historical importance.
Only 45 rpm singles that peaked on the pop Top 40 in 1967 are eligible; artists
are only allowed one entry per year
in order to give a more balanced view of the cultural landscape. (Click on "compare
prices" to find the
song on CD, hear a clip of the song, and buy it if you like!)
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After the paramedics left, the blood
was cleaned up and the excitement died
down, my boss took my scissors away.
So much for my "Violent Friday" idea.
v
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The dentist was about to leave his office, golf bag on is shoulder,
when the phone rang.
"Doctor," said the caller, "I have a terible toothache. Can I
stop by your office for a few minutes?"
"Sorry," replied the dentist, "I'm booked up. I have to fill up
18 cavities this afternoon."
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*submitted by*
lindaklebe@webtv.net
Click here: http://www.coopsjokes.com/toons3/gifs/a_pimp.jpg
http://www.coopsjokes.com/toons3/gifs/a_pimp.jpg
Click here: http://www.coopsjokes.com/toons3/gifs/a_pimp.jpg
http://www.coopsjokes.com/toons3/gifs/a_pimp.jpg
*submitted by*
BADVETTE87
Click here: Back to Index
http://www.bentbay.dk/penis_all.htm
*smile*
*submitted by*
GRANDPASAM56
Click
here: Banned Commercial for Flavored Condoms Video - FileCabi.net
http://www.filecabi.net/video/Banned_Commercial-Flavored_Condoms.html
LOL - cute!
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Rockin' and Rollin' makes no endorsement or warranty, expressed or implied,
with regard
to featured products or services. Results may vary based on operating
systems and other variables beyond our control
v
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Another issue on it's way to YOU! and another one already in the making!
So meet us back
here next week, same time - same place
but remember, no matter where you are or what you are doing,
never,
ever,
EVER
forget to
keep
on rockin'
it's
a state of mind
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©1999
- 2007 - Deborah Austin - All rights reserved and held by Rockin' and
Rollin'
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