Editor:  DebsSweet
Graphic Editors:  Guysbabi, Ditziexx, LuvintheCountry,
CrispySue, kittykab
Children's Book Editor:  Amanda260
Internet Security Editor:  DebsSweet










BE AWARE!


I'm sure you all know about the pet food recalls.  There are updated almost every
day so if you have pets PLEASE take this serious.  Precious pets
are dying from tainted food.

Be careful when surfing the Internet.  I have checked EACH link submitted to you and they are in working
order as of this posting.  Always be aware of the risks out there and keep current with your
anti-virus and adware removal software!

If you would like to SIGN UP or BE REMOVED (sure, remove yourself, break my heart
and force me into therapy for life) from this mailing list, please send an email
to me, deb@debsnewsletter.com and your request will be handled promptly.

Kick up your feet and put your problems behind you cause darlin' it's time to ROCK AND ROLL!

and don't  forget to buckle your seatbelts, cause it's going to be a wild ride! 


Happy Easter!










Click here: Love of My Life - Free Ecard
http://www.1lovecards.com/cards/love24.shtml

Click here: 'Why Does Dating No Longer Interest Me?' -- ThirdAge
http://www.thirdage.com/cc/?hash=0001123541772966
If you aren't interested in dating any more -- check out this site

Click here: Seductive Ideas -- ThirdAge
http://www.thirdage.com/romance/sh/wakeupcalls/
Monogamy shouldn't mean monotony. Think back to when you met each other. The first few dates--long
before you ever had intercourse--were one long, delicious foreplay session. This is what you should aim to recapture.
Sadly, the wild lust that characterizes new relationships disappears all too quickly, and sex gets relegated to certain
places and times. Sometimes this is not only sensible but necessary. If you've just started a new job, or if
you're struggling with family problems, the last thing you're thinking about is whether the underwear
you put on this morning is sexy enough for your lover to peel off tonight.    
   



v v v v v



*submitted by*
BADVETTE87


Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and  had never been married. She was admired
for her sweetness and kindness to  all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.  As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young
minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with  water, and in the water floated, of all things,
a condom ! When she  returned with the tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity
about the bowl of water and it's strange floater, but soon got the better of him and he could no longer
resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes" she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I  was walking through the park a few months ago and i found this little
package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent
the spread of disease. Do you know i haven't had the flu all winter."




v v v v v



Thai Iced Coffee


Coffee beans that come from Thailand are prepackaged as a
coarsely ground powder and blended with ground corn, soy, and
sesame seeds, which give it its unique taste.

Thai Iced Coffee (Oliang Thai)

Preparation time: 5 minutes, plus 10 minutes for steeping

Yield: 4 servings

4 cups water

1/2 cup Thai coffee powder

1/3 cup granulated sugar

1/2 to 3/4 cup sweetened condensed milk

1.   Bring the water to a boil in a medium saucepan. Stir in
     the coffee powder, blending well. Remove from the heat,
     and allow to steep for 10 minutes.

2.   Using the mesh strainer or coffee filter, strain the
     coffee into a tall pitcher, mix in the sugar, and cool
     to room temperature. Cover and refrigerate until
     chilled.

3.   Fill four tall glasses with ice. Pour the coffee over
     the ice and float 2 to 3 tablespoons condensed milk on
     top. Serve with long iced-tea spoons to allow your
     guests to stir their own coffee.

For more information like this, get a copy of Cooking Around the
World All-in-One For Dummies
[ http://www.dummies.com/WileyCDA/DummiesTitle/productCd-0764555022.html?cid=etipBookLink ],
by Jack Bishop, et al.



v v v v v







Click here: What to Do When XP or 2000 Won't Boot
http://clk.about.com/?zi=18/15r/3&sdn=pcworld&cdn=gadgets&tm=57&gps=43_135_1176_850&f=0
0&tt=0&bt=0&bts=0&zu=http%3A//pcworld.about.com/magazine/2111p196id112479.htm
If Windows XP (or 2000) refuses to start, press F8 right after you turn on your PC but before the Windows
log-on appears (it may take a few attempts to get the timing right). At the resulting menu, select Last Known
Good Configuration to restore your Registry to an earlier date.

If this doesn't get your PC working, reboot and press F8 again, but this time select Safe Mode, and then choose
Start, All Programs, Accessories, System Tools, System Restore. Follow the wizard's instructions and pick an appropriate backup.
If that approach doesn't work either, or if you can't even get to this menu, use your emergency boot floppy. If your
hard drive's boot sector or Windows' basic boot files have been corrupted, this disk will circumvent the problem
and boot you into Windows. If you don't have an emergency boot floppy, you may be able to use one created on
another PC running Windows XP or Windows 2000, but there's no guarantee that it will
boot your machine.  MORE INFO at the site
   


v v v v v



Dave walks into a house of ill repute in Nevada and
says, "I'll give $20,000 to any woman here who'll
come into the desert with me and do it MY way."

One of the ladies agrees, and off they go driving into
the desert. After about an hour she gets curious, and
asks him,...."Just what is your way?"

"On credit."



v v v v v



The Top 9 Fish Reality Shows


9> Eel or No Eel

8> Wahoo Wants to Be a Millionaire

7> Last Goldfish Belly-Up

6> Pimp My Tank

5> The Reel Whirled

4> Sear Factor

3> CODS

2> Are You Smarting from a Fish Grater?


    and the Number 1 Fish Reality Show...


1> The Amazing Rays



v v v v v









v v v v v



NOTE: Paul McCartney announced last week that he's
           leaving EMI for Starbucks' new record label.


  The Top 20 Beatles Songs If They'd Been Recorded for Starbucks


20> When I'm Sixty-Fourth in Line

19> Roll Over Biscotti

18> Get Black

17> Till There Was Brew

16> Hey Joe

15> Mud Me Do

14> Frapman

13> Strawberry Scones Forever

12> Venti Lane

11> Norwegian Blend (This Brew Has Foam)

10> Latte Madonna

9> Ob-Latte, Ob-La-Decaf

8> Happiness Is a Warm Nonfat Mocha With an Extra Shot and Some
    Madagascar Cinnamon and a Nice Scone

7> Day Twitcher

6> She Passed It Through the Drive-Thru Window

5> Eight Bucks a Drink

4> Why Don't We Brew It in the Road?

3> A Day in the Line

2> Live and Get Chai


                and Topfive.com's Number 1 Beatles
          Songs If They'd Been Recorded for Starbucks...


1> Here, There, and Friggin' EVERYWHERE



v v v v v






Click here: Fireworks Fun on Love This Site
http://lovethissite.com/fireworks

Click here: Desert Pictures at Quartzsite Arizona
http://lovethissite.com/desertpics

Click here: Friendship on Love This Site Inspirational
http://www.lovethissite.com/friendship/

Click here: ~*~ Friends, You And Me ~*~
http://www.spiritisup.com/friendsyouandmedm.html

*submitted by*
Granny B 132
Click here: My Friend Forever, by Betty Jo Mings
http://www.smilesr4u.com/my_forever_friend.htm



v v v v v



*submitted by*
WMBAAS



A guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight.
I've never had  three girls at once, and I need something to keep me horny... keep me potent."

The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box
marked with a label "Viagra Extra Strength" and said, "Here, if you eat this, you'll go nuts for twelve hours."

The guy says, "Give me three boxes."

The next day the guy walks into the same pharmacy, goes up to the pharmacist and pulls down his pants.

The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man's penis is black and blue,
and the skin is hanging off in some places.

The man says, "Give me a bottle of Ben Gay."

The pharmacist replies, "Ben Gay? You're not going to put Ben Gay on that are you?"

The man says, "No, it's for my arms - the girls didn't show up."



v v v v v



In order to pay his nursing school tuition, a student was working
two jobs over the summer, as a butcher's assistant and as a
hospital orderly, both jobs that required the young man wear a
long white coat.

One night he was wheeling a woman into surgery when she sat up
suddenly, looked him in the eye, and screamed, "God save me! It's
the butcher!!"



v v v v v








v v v v v



The Top 9 Naive Comments Heard in a New Parents' Class


9> "The more kids, the better!"

8> "Once we get past diapers, this will be a piece of cake!"

7> "Is he here yet? Is he here yet? Is he here yet?"

6> "I'm sure not going to make any of the mistakes *my* parents made."

5> "I really *do* think it's possible to be friends with your children."

4> "I'm never going to remember all this stuff. Can't I just buy the manual?"

3> "Being home on maternity leave is sure going to give me a lot
   of free time during the day!"

2> "We'll be able to resume having sex pretty soon after delivery, right?"


                 and the Number 1 Naive Comment
                Heard in a New Parents' Class...


1> "And where does this 'natural milk' stuff come from?"



v v v v v





Replacing a Reusable Filter
lifetips.com


So, you want to put a high-performance re-usable filter in your vehicle. Good idea, especially if you have a high
performance vehicle. If you don't, well, as they say, it couldn't hurt. These bad boys will get more air to your engine
which can goose up performance. And because they're washable, they can provide filtering protection up to 250,000 miles.
There are a couple of caveats about the reusable. If you do a lot of off road and other heavy-duty driving,
you may need to inspect and service your vehicle more frequently. As a rule, most re-usable air
filters should be inspected every six to 12 months.

Now, here's what you do to install your reusable filter:

-Raise the hood and locate the air filter compartment.
-Remove the clamps holding down the housing and set them aside.
-Pull out and inspect the filter. If you see a layer of dust build-up, it's time for a cleaning.
-Tap it against a flat surface to remove any loose debris.
- Spray both sides with air-filter cleaner and soak for at least 10 minutes.
-Rinse with tap water and air dry.
-Put a small amount of oil on each pleat and let it soak in for 20 minutes. Before you put the filter back in.
-Use the shop vac to clean any debris from the filter compartment. Make sure your hoses are in good working condition.
-Reinstall the filter (making sure it fits properly in place.)
-Replace the housing and tighten the clamps.
-Close the hood.
-Start your car.

Does everything sound and feel right? If so, you're ready to roll!



v v v v v



*submitted by*
pavanco1@earthlink.net



WHO IS JACK SCHITT

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack
Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in
an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the
fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N.
Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple
produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull
Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a
hi gh school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt
divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids
were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was
then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son
with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the
other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable
throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in
a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens
nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently
returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.


Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt



v v v v v







Click here: WeatherMate
http://www.ravib.com/wm/
WeatherMate is a little Windows program that gives you instant access to current weather conditions
and forecasts for tens of thousands of locations worldwide. I wrote WeatherMate because I got tired of having to
open several browser windows and wade through a bunch of ads to check the weather.

Click here: home of the nerd cave | taskbar shuffle and more
http://www.rlpweddings.com/
No hotkey, no extra steps, rearrange the programs on your Windows taskbar by simply... well, dragging and dropping them!  Neat concept, huh?
No need to get all nervous when a program crashes or if you wanna reboot; you can reorder
the programs/buttons on your taskbar exactly how you like.

Click here: AVVENU: The direct route to access and share the stuff on your computer
http://www.avvenu.com/lp/smart-phone.php?utm_source=RSS&utm_medium=RSS&utm_content=smart+phone&utm_campaign=feedburner
The free download lets you grab files from your computers with a Web-enabled cell phone. This one requires Windows XP and a broadband connection.

Click here: HDDlife - freeware real-time hard-drive monitoring utility with alerts, malfunction protection and data loss preve
http://www.hddlife.com/
Your relatives' photos, your tourist videos, your diary and notebook, messages from friends, business
information and documents - are you ready to lose it all at once? All your data , everything you need both
for your work and for your rest is stored on the hard drive of your computer even after it is switched
off . It is the hard drive , not the processor , of your computer that really matters to you because if it breaks down ,
all your data – both personal and business – will be permanently lost.   
Knowing about a possible failure in the work of your hard drive means having time to prevent all your data from being lost .
HDDlife is a usable program that will allow you to control the health of your hard drive using an intuitive interface.
Just run the program and it will show you the list of your disks with the percentage of their health left , as well
as their temperature.  HDDlife can work in the preventative mode when it checks the health of your hard drives at regular intervals
and informs you about the results of these checks in an unobtrusive way. If you get warned about a possible hard drive
failure , you will protect yourself against losing your naturally priceless personal data.   
   
   

v v v v v



*submitted by*
BADVETTE87


Today is International Disadvantaged People's Day.


Please send an encouraging message to a retarded friend...just as I've done.

I don't care if you lick windows, screw farm animals, ride the short bus or occasionally shit yourself...

You hang in there Sunshine, you're fuckin' special
.


v v v v v



Signs In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16
and 17 necks."

In the window of an Oregon general store: "Why go elsewhere to be
cheated, when you can come here?"

In a Pennsylvania cemetery: "Persons are prohibited from picking
flowers from any but their own graves."

On a Tennessee highway: "Take notice: when this sign is under water,
this road is impassable."

From the safety information card in America WestAirline seat pocket:
"If you are sitting in an exit row and can not read this card,
please tell a crew member."

On a Maine shop: "Our motto is to give our customers the lowest
possible prices and workmanship."



v v v v v






*submitted by*
GRANDPASAM56
Click here: zonerland
http://www.zonerland.com/index.html
Lots of sites with music - oldies!

Click here: New Artist Alert - David Martin
http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/%5BSy
David Martin, an artist on the recently founded label Astonish Records, is one of those that successfully caused
me to take a second look. His sound is unabashedly romantic pop accompanied by the quote “The real value
in life is in relationships, not results. Maybe that’s the ultimate result: how much we’ve loved.” Does it
make the heart melt...or is it way over the top? For some fans, the blue eyes won't hurt.

Click here: American Idol Music Guide
http://clk.about.com/?zi=18/15r/4&sdn=top40&cdn=entertainment&tm=44&gps=70_169_1193_850&f=00&s
u=p445.92.150.ip_&tt=26&bt=1&bts=1&zu=http%3A//top40.about.com/od/americanidol/p/ameridolguide.htm
American Idol has had significant continuity from season to season provided by its core of onscreen
personalities. The 3 primary judges have remained the same from season to season, and outside of an
additional co-host in the first season, the host has remained the same as well. Among the judges, Paula Abdul, Simon Cowell,
and Randy Jackson, Cowell has utilized the success of his appearance on the show to help continue building a musical empire.
Host Ryan Seacrest has become a household name helping expand beyond his base as a top radio personality.

   

v v v v v



Out in space two alien forms are speaking with each other.

The first spaceman says, "The dominant life forms on the earth
planet are developing satellite-based weapons."

The second guy, who looks exactly like the first, asks, " Are they
an emerging intelligence?"

The first spaceman says, "I don't think so...They have it aimed
at themselves."

Hummmmmmm....



v v v v v



I think we could balance the Federal Budget if we taxed
sex. Everyone would pay their share.  Young people would pay more
taxes and your tax liability would decrease as you got older.
(some of us)

It would also promote family values. How would you like to come
home to your wife and have her ask, "Honey, why is your tax bill
larger than mine?"  Or be a teenager and come home to your dad
with your tax bill in his hand.

We wouldn't have to pay people to work for the IRS, they would be
paying to work there just so they could review people's returns.

Locker room conversations would change...  "Get a load of this
tax bill!"

The forms would change a little also. We would now have a
1040Quickee.

And it would give a whole new meaning to the phrase..

"Substantial penalty for early withdrawal."



v v v v v



I totally missed the significance of March 14
falling on a Wednesday this year. Pi Day and
Hump Day converged! They should have just
combined them and called it American Pie Day!



v v v v v








v v v v v



        There was a lot of negative energy in my house.
            I tried incantations and feng shui, but
         nothing worked until I paid my electric bill.



v v v v v



*submitted by*
BADVETTE87



The Italian man says, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her  
body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for  
five full minutes at the end."

The Frenchman boasts, "Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her  
body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for
fifteen minutes".

The Jewish man says, "Well, last week my wife and I also had sex. I rubbed  
her body all over with schmaltz. (chicken fat) We made love, and she  
screamed for over six hours."

The Italian and Frenchman were stunned. They asked, "What could you have  
possibly done to make your wife scream for six hours?"

The Jewish man  says, "I wiped my hands on the bedspread!!!"



v v v v v

Catching On about Coccidia

Coccidia are protozoa that are usually seen in kittens 4 to 12
weeks old, but even adult cats can get them. They live and breed
in the intestinal tract. Kittens with coccidia get the runs. You
can see traces of blood and mucous in runny poop. Kittens with
really bad cases lose their appetites and may barf. With all that
fluid escaping, dehydration is a big risk.

Kittens frequently get coccidia from their mother, and when one
kitten in a litter gets it, they all get it. Even if your kitten
hasn't been exposed to other cats, she could be exposed to
coccidia from mouse poop or a roach. This is yet another reason
to wait until kittens are 3 months old before bringing them home.
They've already gone through that period when they're most
vulnerable to the organism, and you don't have to deal with it.

Your vet will want to look at a sample of poop to confirm that
coccidia are causing the trouble; however, those single cells
often evade microscope detection. It can take four or five days
before you see a slowing of the going.

Kittens and cats with coccidia should be kept away from
uninfected kitties for about three weeks.

Get the scoop on feline health in Kittens For Dummies
[ http://www.dummies.com/WileyCDA/DummiesTitle/productCd-0764541501.html?cid=etipBookLink ],
by Dusty Rainbolt.



v v v v v



AT LAST, SOMEONE SUMMED IT UP....


1.  The nice men are ugly.
2.  The handsome men are not nice.
3.  The handsome and nice men are gay.
4.  The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.
5.  The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men,
    have no money.
6.  The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men
    with money think  we are only after their money.
7.  The handsome men without money are after our money.
8.  The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat
    heterosexual, don't think we are beautiful enough.
9.  The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual,
    somewhat nice and have money, are cowards.
10. The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have
    some money and thank God are heterosexual, are shy and
    NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!!
11. The men who never make the first move, automatically lose
    interest in us when we take the initiative.

NOW ... WHO IN THE HELL UNDERSTANDS MEN?



v v v v v



A woman was waiting in the check-out line at a shopping center. Her
arms were laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies.
By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in an extreme
hurry, and was not happy about the slowness of the line.

When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman
remarked indignantly,
"Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Easter!"

"Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk.
"With that wind kicking up out there and that brand new broom you have
there, you'll be home in no time."



v v v v v







*submitted by*
ron_stott@yahoo.com



HANDY HINTS


HINT 1  

Using hair spray on the heels and toes of sandal foot  
panties will help them last longer.

HINT 2  

Keep onions in old clean pantyhose or nylons. This  
will keep the onion skins from getting in your  
vegetable bins or fridge drawer.



v v v v v



The Top 8 Signs Your Canary Has "Gone Hollywood"


8> Throws off the cat by suggesting "Let's do lunch" without
    really intending to.

7> She does $1000-a-plate fundraisers at Spago for coal mine canaries.

6> Less time running from Sylvester the Cat, more time working
    out with Sylvester Stallone.

5> Wants the blackout curtain left over the cage till at least noon on Saturdays.

4> She's plucked out all her feathers and checked into and out of
    rehab three times this week alone.

3> When you catch him flying crooked and pluck him out of the air
    to save him from himself, he calls you "Sugartits" and blames the Jews.

2> Tears his cage apart when he discovers you haven't weeded out
    the brown birdseed.


    and the Number 1 Sign Your Canary Has "Gone Hollywood"...


1> How many times has she told you? No! More! Wire! Cages!



v v v v v



Fertilizing for Winter
(for next winter - hehe)


As winter arrives, plants need to concentrate on root growth. They need fertilizers
with higher concentrations of potassium and phosphorous.
On bags of fertilizer look for the NPK symbols

N = nitrogen
P = phosphorus
K = potassium (usually listed as potash).
Beside these letters are numbers in various combinations such as 2-1-1 or 3-12-12.
The numbers indicate the ratio of nitrogen, phosphorus and potassium in the formula. Fall fertilizers
list higher P K numbers. You don't want a fertilizer high in nitrogen now.

What to Use?
We recommend Yum Yum Mix® 'Winterizer,' a special formula for trees, shrubs and perennials. Along with
increased levels of phosphorous and potassium it has granular humate. Many soils thought to be poor actually
have minerals and nutrients that are “locked up” and humates make them more readily available
to plants. You can also add Soil Mender® Humate directly.

How to Apply?
Mix fertilizer into the soil when doing fall planting, use a trowel to loosen the soil then
add the fertilizer or use it to top dress the soil around existing plants.

When to Apply?
Apply fall fertilizers while the weather is still warm during the day. Warm soil aids root growth. New plants need
to get their root systems established before winter and mature plants need a healthy dose of nutrients.
After applying fertilizer, add a layer of mulch for winter protection.



v v v v v



"Step on a crack and break your mother's back."

That's kind of harsh, isn't it? Unless, of course,
your mother was a crack-whore who neglected you as a
child. Then it's kind of an elegant irony.



v v v v v



The mayor could not remove the pigeons from the city.
All of Phoenix was full of pigeon poop. The people of Phoenix couldn't walk
on the sidewalks or drive on the roads. It was costing a fortune to try to
keep the streets and sidewalks clean.

One day a man came to City Hall and offered the Mayor a proposition. "I can
rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons without cost to the city.
But, you must promise not to ask me any questions.  Or, you can pay me five
million dollars and ask one question." The mayor considered the offer
briefly and accepted the free proposition.

The next day the man climbed to the top of City Hall, opened his coat, and
released a blue pigeon. The blue pigeon circled in the air and flew up into
the bright blue Arizona sky. All the pigeons in Phoenix saw the  blue
pigeon. They gathered up behind the blue pigeon. The Phoenix pigeons
followed the blue pigeon as she flew southward out of the city.

The next day the blue pigeon returned completely alone to the man atop City
Hall. The Mayor was very impressed. He thought the man and the blue pigeon
had performed a wonderful miraculous feat to rid Phoenix of the plague of
pigeons.

Even though the man with the pigeon had charged nothing, the mayor
presented him with a check for 5 million dollars and told the man that
indeed, he did have a question to ask and even though they had agreed to no
fee and the man had rid the city of pigeons, he decided to pay the 5
million just to get to ask ONE question!

The man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask his question.

The mayor asked: "Do you have a blue Mexican?"



v v v v v







v v v v v



A guy offers to buy a drink for an attractive young woman seated at a
bar.  She gives him the green light, so he goes to the end of the bar
and whispers to the bartender to make up a Martini for her and to put some
Spanish-fly in the drink. The bartender whispers back to say he's all out
of Spanish-fly and all he has left is Jewish-fly.

Shrugging his shoulders, the guy says, OK, put some of that in her
drink. As she sips on the drink, she gets more and more cozy, really
warming up to the guy. Finally, she finishes the drink, leans over
and whispers in his ear, .....Let's go shopping.



v v v v v


500 thousand Americans now have genital herpes.

This is not to be confused with facial herpes. If you get it on yer face, it's herpes
simplex, but if you get it down "there" it's herpes complex. If you get
it both places it's herpes duplex. There are various strains of the
disease, such as whorepes, which is transmitted by prostitutes who don't bathe
regularly. It is sometimes confused with hopis, which you can get from
certain Indians. Any contact at all with filthy midgets can lead to a nasty case of twerpes.

And if you make love to a person who works at a Sno-Cone stand, you may
get a case of slurpes.

For those who are vegetarians, just remember
that sleeping with a green giant could give you Le-Sueur-peas; and
kissing a canary can cause a bad spell of chirpes.



v v v v v







Click here: Computer Repair Safety - Important PC Repair Safety Tips
http://pcsupport.about.com/od/safetyconsiderations/qt/safety_tips.htm
In addition to being an afternoon of great fun, PC repair can save you loads of time and money.
No amount of fun, money or time is enough, though, to compromise your safety.
Keep these important tips in mind as you work inside your computer



v v v v v



On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone
has to go to the bathroom, hold up one finger if you have to pee pee,
and hold up two fingers if you have to make ka ka.

The morning went fine as the children understood the system for
going to the bathroom.

Mid-day, in the back of the classroom, little Johnny started to shout,
" Teacher !, Teacher...Quick give me a number...I have to fart ! "



v v v v v



The definition of a Jewish menage a trois?

Two headaches and a hard-on.



v v v v v



A rural couple had made sacrifices to save money to send their
only son to college. Once there, he began to let his hair grow long,
plus sideburns, a mustache, and a goatee. When his hair was
luxurious enough to satisfy him, he had his photograph taken
and mailed it home with a note that read: "Do you like my
hair style? Do you think it makes me look like a count?"

"You idiot!" His father wrote back. "Here we are spending a
fortune on your education and you can't even SPELL!"



v v v v v






Click here: Seafood Tops Heart-Healthy List -- ThirdAge
http://www.thirdage.com/cc/?hash=116219553871
U.S. scientists say people can safely decrease their risk of heart disease by substituting seafood for other
animal proteins. The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration and the U.S. Food and Drug Administration
sponsored the study by the Institute of Medicine, seeking to help the public understand how to maximize important
health benefits of eating seafood while minimizing exposure to environmental contaminants found in nearly every
food source, including fish. In spite of some concern about environmental contaminants, the study concluded,
seafood is a nutrient-rich food that makes a positive contribution to a healthful diet.

Click here: AOL Jobs - Articles- The Filthiest Spot in Your Office Is Where? Prepare to Be Shocked - AOL Find a Job
http://jobs.aol.com/article/_a/the-filthiest-spot-in-your-office-is/20060814143709990001
Can you name the dirtiest location in your workplace? Logic would dictate the hot spot for germs
would be a high-traffic common area. Let’s take a guess. It’s the toilet seat, right?

Click here: How to Wash Your Hands
http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/ZoC
A CDC presentation on hand hygiene states that hands are the most common mode of transmission of
disease causing agents. Even so, only 68% of people wash their hands after using the toliet. School kids
are sick less often if they wash their hands. If done properly, washing your hands can help prevent the spread of bird flu
and other infectious diseases like other flus and colds. This how-to is
for regular soap and alcohol-based hand cleansers.
   


v v v v v

   

A guy walks into an empty bar and says, "Hey, Bartender, give me a drink."
So the guy sits down, sipping his drink, when he hears a small voice, "I like your tie."

The man turns to the bartender and says, "Did you say some thing?"

"No, I didn't say anything," says the bartender.

The man shrugs it off. And again he hears the small voice call out,
"Your hair looks really nice."

The man turns to the bartender and asks. "There it goes again, didn't
you hear that?"

"No, replied the bartender, "I didn't hear anything."

Once again, the man returns to his drink when he hears, "Gee, that suit
looks great on you."

"Bartender!" exclaimed the man, "I am absolutely sure I heard  something.
What's going on here?"

"Oh", said the bartender. "That must be our peanuts. They're complimentary."



v v v v v



Latest news reports advise that there is a suspected
cell of 4 terrorists operating at the local General Motors
facility.  Police said earlier today that 3 of the 4 have
been detained for questioning.

GM security stated that the terrorists...Bin Sleepin,
Bin Drinkin and  Bin Smokin have been arrested on
immigration issues.

The police advise that they can find no one fitting the 
description of the member, Bin Workin.  However, they
are confident that anyone who looks like Bin Workin will
be very easy to spot.



v v v v v











v v v v v



Halloween is a big deal in our neighborhood, even for the
adults.  One year when my children went trick-or-treating,
a woman answered her door wearing an outlandish dress, along
with garish makeup and a wild hairdo. We made joking comments
as the kids got their candy and then went on our way.

A month later I bumped into the same lady at the grocery store. 
I had no trouble recognizing her immediately...she looked exactly
the same!



v v v v v



A few moments after the daughter announced her engagement,
her Father asked,

"Does this fellow have any money?"

The  daughter shook her head sadly.

"Oh Daddy!  You men are all alike."

Sighing deeply, she replied,
"That's exactly what he asked me about you."



v v v v v







Click here: glumbert.com | Effects of Drugs and Alcohol on Spider Webs
http://www.glumbert.com/media/spiders
LOL!

Click here: Mighty Spicy Sauce! - A Funny Movie From Humor Haus!
http://www.humorhaus.com/hh788.htm
Now *that's* hot sauce!

Click here: Naughty Photographers! - A Funny Picture from Tiggy's Rib-Ticklers!
http://www.tiggysribticklers.com/tig1788.htm



v v v v v



In this age of safe sex the need for condoms are a must but some
people still have a difficult time buying them.  Take my friend,
Joe.  Our local store carries condoms behind the counter and you
need to ask the salesperson to get them.

So Joe went up to the salesperson, but he was so nervous he could
only ask where the straws were.  So he bought the straws and left
only to have to come back to buy his condoms.

Again Joe came into the store and was still so nervous he could
only ask where the tweezers were, so he bought a pair of tweezers and left.

Joe once again had to go back and buy his condoms.  He went up to
the salesperson and said, in a low tone, "I need some condoms."

The salesperson rang up the sale and said,  "First you come in to
buy straws, then to buy tweezers, and now to buy condoms.  What I
want to know is.....  are you going to suck it, pluck it, or fuck it?"



v v v v v



Some time after their bitter divorce, a man happened
to pull up beside his ex-wife at a traffic signal.

He shouted over, "So .. out looking for a little, huh?"

She smiled sweetly and said,"No, I had 6  years of that with you.
Now, I'm out looking for a LOT!"



v v v v v








MORE books for men

Click here: How to Romance the Woman You Love - The Way She Wants You to - About.com
http://erclk.about.com/?zi=17/cy8
In "How to Romance the Woman You Love - The Way She Wants You To!" authors Lucy Sanna and Kathy
Miller-Vejtasa use substantial research to make the point that "romance" is
an attitude that can be created anytime and anywhere.

About.com: http://www.backpackingthroughdivorce.com
http://clk.about.com/?zi=1/XJ&sdn=divorcesupport&zu=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.backpackingthroughdivorce.com
When Sean Hinchey's wife wanted a divorce, he was devastated. Then he decided to put his thoughts into
a journal. Then he went on a backpacking trip through Europe. We can't all just drop everything and go
backpacking but every man who is struggling with divorce issues needs to buy a copy of "Backpacking Through Divorce: How To
Deal When You've Been Dumped" and read it. The book is well written, occasionally
humorous, very logical, and written by a man for men.



v v v v v



"Because  a man is unfaithful to you is no reason to
leave him.

You should stay with him and make sure the rest of his
life is a living hell." 



v v v v v



"I spent the weekend doing little
jobs around the house.  It's okay,
though -- I blamed them on the dog."


Peter Mac



v v v v v



A male-to-female transexual was being interviewed on a radio
talk show. The DJ asked the transexual  "What sort of pain
did you experience during the operation?"

The transexual replied, "Well, when they cut my penis off,
that really didn't hurt as much as I thought it would. Then
they implanted the breasts in my chest, well, that really
didn't hurt too much either..."

"Then you didn't experience any real physical pain at all then?"

"You're joking!  What really hurt was when they removed half
my brain and doubled the size of my mouth!"



v v v v v







Click here: On Finding Mr. Right
http://clk.about.com/?zi=18/1R4/Wa&sdn=dating&cdn=people&tm=51&gps=100_1298_1193_850&f
=00&tt=14&bt=0&bts=0&zu=http%3A//dating.about.com/od/justforthegals/qt/FindMrRight.htm
You think you know exactly what you want in a man, right? You can probably even list the attributes, qualities
and qualifications that your future husband needs in order to apply for the job of your mate. I had a three-tiered system
myself. First, there were the requirements: an interesting profession (preferably in the arts), a great sense of
humor, a sterling character, financial security. Next, there was the frosting (as in, wouldn't-it-be-nice-if-he-were.):
over six feet tall, devastatingly handsome, a cat lover. And finally, there were the deal breakers: children, difficult
ex-wives, bad toupees. Of course, like you, I fancied myself to be magnanimous and flexible in as much as I was
willing to overlook certain undesirable traits - say, thinning hair and a few extra pounds - for the perfect guy.
Now, even if your list is different from mine, I think you know what I'm talking about.

Click here: Sex and the Divorced Woman
http://clk.about.com/?zi=18/yW/SZ&sdn=divorcesupport&cdn=people&tm=38&gps=113_99_1193_850&f=00&su
=p309.1.150.ip_p284.5.420.ip_&tt=2&bt=1&bts=1&zu=http%3A//divorcesupport.about.
com/od/learningtoloveagain/a/sexdivorcedwoma.htm
It may seem that the dating rules have changed, and they have to some extent, but when it comes to sex
and the newly divorced woman, common sense applies. The following are some of the questions that a newly
divorced woman might ask as she ventures forth into the uncharted waters of dating after divorce.

   

v v v v v
   


       The Top 10 Unforeseen Problems With E-D Medications


10> Can't sleep on the waterbed that night for fear of puncturing it.

9> Everyone at the laundromat thinks you've got change.

8> You've lost 20 pounds in a month of taking the stairs, since
    those crowded elevator rides were getting embarrassing.

7> *It* may stay up for hours, but you still pass out two minutes after you're done.

6> Reduced blood flow to the *other* head means hours of impaired thinking.

5> Brunch parties are limited to four hours or the bagels fall to the floor.

4> The good news: For the next few hours, you're the proud owner of a rock-hard erection.
    The bad news: The other women at Curves are staring.

3> A simple missing fireplace poker leads to an extremely
    unfortunate sequence of events.

2> Since you're obviously not going anywhere, the wife thinks
    she can just hop on and off at her leisure.


              and Topfive.com's Number 1 Unforeseen
                 Problem With E-D Medications...


1> Things start to get ugly when the cop orders you to drop
    your weapon.



v v v v v



An eminent heart specialist was at a glittering social function
and was in animated conversations with a lovely young thing
wearing a great deal of makeup and the barest minimum of clothing. 

It was only a few minutes too late that the good doctor
became aware that his wife, whom he thought was safely in
the next room, was watching him with a steely glare.

Clearing his throat, the doctor said, "Ah, my dear, that young
lady over there and I were just indulging in a purely 
professional consultation."

"So I can well imagine." said his wife icily, "but was it your
profession, or hers?"



v v v v v

  Click here: Debsnewsletter - Archives
http://www.debsnewsletter.com/archives.shtml



v v v v v



When the driver of a huge trailer lost control of his rig,
he plowed into an empty tollbooth and smashed it to pieces.
He climbed down from the wreckage and within a matter of
minutes, a truck pulled up and discharged a crew of workers.
The men picked up each broken piece of the former tollbooth
and spread some kind of creamy substance on it.
Then they began fitting the pieces together.In less than a half hour,
they had the entire tollbooth reconstructedand looking good as new!

"Astonishing!" the truck driver said to the crew chief.
"What was that white creamy stuff you used to get all the pieces back together?"
The crew chief says "Oh, that was Tollgate Booth Paste."



v v v v v



  If I were to bake a pineapple upside-down cake and send
   it to my sister in Australia, it would arrive, naturally,
     as a pineapple rightside-up cake; however, my sister,
       being upside down herself, would perceive it as a
     pineapple upside-down cake, as intended. And there you
    have it: Einstein's Theory of Relativity in a nutshell.



v v v v v






Is Windows Vista too expensive?

Windows Vista Release Candidate  1. It will cease to operate in June of next year. Users will NOT be able to 
upgrade to a retail version from RC1. They will have to wipe their drives and  start over. I am angry that Microsoft
has chosen to sell the RC1 for $3 and  then charge $300 for the retail version.

I have the reputation for being frugal. I don't like to waste my money or spend more than need be.
But in this case, I really think you are overreacting. First, let's clear  up the prices. Vista will be available in several versions. You can also upgrade from Windows XP.
The upgrade version of Vista Home Basic is currently listed at $100 on  Amazon. The most expensive version on Amazon's site is Vista Ultimate edition.  It sells for $400.
So you won't necessarily need to pay $300 to get Vista. You can buy it for  significantly less. Of course, lesser versions may not have all the features  you need or want.
Microsoft has frequently been criticized for selling expensive software.  But a machine running Windows is still much cheaper than a comparable Mac.

And let's not forget that Microsoft spent years developing Vista. It's  poured countless millions of dollars into Vista.
Microsoft isn't a non-profit  organization. It has the right to profit from its products. In fact, it is  obligated to make money for its shareholders.
Sure, I'd like Windows to be less expensive. But the software is a  reasonable investment for most people. If you buy Vista
Ultimate and use it  for a year, it costs about $1.10 a day. If you use it for work, you may make  up for the cost in increased productivity.
If you still think Vista is too expensive, stick with XP. It is a great,  stable operating system. Microsoft will continue to support it for several  more years.

As for the test versions of Vista, Microsoft has its reasons for charging.  The setup files are huge. The bandwidth used
by those downloading RC1 must be  really expensive. And it costs money to produce the copies that are mailed  out.
But I look at it this way. Three dollars is a small price to pay to see  Microsoft's latest and greatest. You get to explore
Vista before most people.  And, you can use it for about nine months. What's to complain about there?
You  can't even see a movie for $3!

Now, I'm not looking forward to upgrading to the finalized version of  Vista. Microsoft's site says you may need to
reinstall the finalized version  of Vista.It's always a chore to start over from scratch. But if you can't  handle reinstalling
Vista, you shouldn't be messing around with the test versions.



v v v v v



Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist\: a helper on the farm

Polarize \po'-lur-ize\: what penguins see with

Primate \pri'-mat\: removing your spouse from in front of the TV



v v v v v



*submitted by*
ron_stott@yahoo.com



STRAWBERRY SALAD  


INGREDIENTS:  
1 bunch of romaine lettuce leaves, coarsely cut  
1 pint fresh strawberries, washed and halved  
1/2 medium red onion  
sugared almonds, below  

** Sugared Almonds **  
1/2 cup slivered almonds  
2 tablespoons butter  
1/3 cup granulated sugar  

** Dressing **  
3/4 cup light mayonnaise  
1/4 cup milk  
2 tbsp poppy seeds  
2 tbsp raspberry vinegar  
1/3 cup granulated sugar  

DIRECTIONS:  
Sugared Almonds: In a saucepan over medium heat, melt  
2 tablespoons butter; stir in almonds and 1/3 cup  
sugar. Sauté until golden brown. In salad bowl combine  
lettuce, strawberries, onion, and the sugared almonds.  
Mix dressing ingredients together in a small mixing bowl  
and then toss with salad and chill briefly before serving.



v v v v v



If a man says something in the woods and there are no
women there, is he still wrong?



v v v v v









v v v v v



Copyright 2004 W. Bruce Cameron
.

Congratulations! You are now the proud new owner of a
teenaged daughter. Please read this manual carefully, as it
describes the maintenance of your new daughter, and answers
important questions about your warranty (which does NOT
include the right to return the product to the factory for a full refund).

IF YOU FEEL YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR TEENAGER IN ERROR: To
determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenaged
girl, please examine your new daughter carefully. Does she
(a) look very similar to your original daughter, only with
more makeup and less clothing? (b) refuse to acknowledge
your existence on the planet Earth (except when requesting
money)? (c) sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry? If any of
these are true, you have received the correct item. Nice try, though.

BREAK-IN PERIOD: When you first receive your teenaged
daughter, you will initially experience a high level of
discomfort. Gradually, this discomfort will subside, and you
will merely feel traumatized. This is the "Break-In Period,"
during which you are becoming accustomed to certain
behaviors that will cause you concern, anxiety, and stress.
Once you have adapted to these behaviors, your teenager will
start acting even worse.

ACTIVATION: To activate your teenaged daughter, simply place
her in the vicinity of a telephone. No further programming is required.

SHUTDOWN: Several hours after activation, you may desire to
shut down your teenaged daughter. There is no way to do this.

CLEANING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Having a teenaged daughter
means learning the difference between the words "clean" and
"neat." Teenaged daughters are very clean, because they take
frequent showers that last more than an hour. They will
scrub themselves with expensive, fragrant soaps which you
must purchase for them because like I'm sure I'm going to
use like the same kind of soap my mom and dad use. When they
have completely drained the hot-water tank, they will step
out and wrap themselves in every towel in the bathroom,
which they will subsequently strew throughout the house. If
you ask them to pick up the towels, you are confusing
"clean" with "neat." Teenagers are very busy and do not have
time to be neat. They expect others to pick up after them.
These others are called "parents."

FEEDING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Your teenaged daughter
requires regular meals, which must be purchased for her at
restaurants because she detests everything you eat because
it is like so disgusting. She does not want you to accompany
her to these restaurants, because some people might see you
and like I'm sure I want my friends to see me eating dinner
with my parents. Either order take-out food or just give her
the money, preferably both. If you order pizza, never answer
the doorbell because the delivery boy might see you and
ohmigod he is so hot. Yes, your daughter's idea of an
attractive man is the pizza boy.

CLOTHING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Retailers make millions of
dollars a year selling stylish and frankly sensible clothing
which will look adorable on your daughter. If you enjoy
shopping, you will love the vast selections which are
available to you. Unfortunately, your teenaged daughter
wants to dress like a lap dancer. You may be able to coerce
her into putting on a cute outfit before leaving the house,
but by the time she walks in the schoolhouse door, she will
be wearing something entirely different.

OTHER MAINTENANCE: Teenaged daughters require one of two
levels of maintenance: "High," and "Ultra High." Your
daughter is "Ultra High." This means that whatever you do
won't be enough and whatever you try won't work.

WARRANTY: This product is not without defect because she has
your genes, for heaven's sake. If you think this is not
fair, talk to your parents, who think it is hilarious. Your
teenaged daughter will remain a teenager for as long as it
takes for her to become a woman, which in her opinion has
already happened and as far as you are concerned never
really will. If you are dissatisfied with your teenaged
daughter, well, what did you expect? In any event, your
warranty does not give you your little girl back under any
circumstances, except that deep down she's actually still
there -- you just have to look for her.



v v v v v







Click here: Prisoners get their own 'cell-phones' | News | This is London
http://www.thisislondon.co.uk/news/article-23375012-details/Prisoners+get+their+own+'cell-phones'/article.do
Prisoners are being given phones in their cells to ring friends and family - and stop them feeling lonely
The controversial 'soft touch' has been introduced at privately run Lowdham Grange Category B prison in Nottinghamshire, which houses
robbers and drug dealers. Lowdham Grange, which opened in 1998 and is run by the services firm Serco, already
provides its best behaved inmates with in-cell satellite TVs and showers.



v v v v v



*submitted by*
ron_stott@yahoo.com



You know how hard it is to talk to your dentist when your
teeth are being cleaned or you are getting a filling? Well,
I decided I would make up a sort of sign language that you
could use to express yourself without having to mumble.

Below are 10 common things you might wish to say, numbered
1-10. These would be printed on a poster and mounted on the
ceiling above the dentist chair.

It would give you something to read since procedures can be
boring. When a phrase seems appropriate, you would just hold
up the corresponding number of fingers to express yourself.
The dentist would not need to stop to ask you to repeat
yourself and could fix the problem right away.

1. Everything is fine, but my nose itches.

2. When you get a chance, there seems to be spit runningdown my neck.

3. So, I guess you had garlic again for lunch today?

4. You realize that wasn't my tooth that you just poked with
that incredibly sharp tool of yours.

5. I would REALLY prefer you didn't do that again.

6. Could you please suction the chunk of debris that you missed before I gag?

7. Remember how I said I was numb? I think I may have been mistaken.

8. Wait a minute -- maybe I am allergic to latex.

9. Just so you know, if I don't get to take a break soon, I may bite you.

10. Please stop asking me stupid questions about myself or I
will take that paper mask off your face.



v v v v v







Beach-y Keen


There are two kinds of beaches in Florida: those that the TV ads
trumpet and those that are less-discovered gems. The former
includes some of the places like Miami Beach, Fort Lauderdale
Beach, Daytona Beach, Clearwater Beach, and so on. The latter are
off the beaten path. In many cases they're in state parks or preserves.

These off-the-path beaches are less crowded, and vacationers who
walk the extra mile are rewarded with features that are often
extraordinary -- towering sand dunes, wind-bent sea oats,
powder-fine sand, crystal-clear water, solitude, good shelling,
or a combination of these features.

If the latter appeals to you, consider Bahia Honda (that's deep
bay in Spanish), the only state park in the lower Keys and one of
the rare beaches in this area. Fact is, this is the only natural
beach in the Keys. Can it get any better than brilliant white
sand, turquoise water, and a brisk breeze? The park's 524 acres
include dunes, coastal mangroves, and hammocks. In addition, the
white-sand beach has deep water close to the shore, making it
good for snorkeling. (You may find lobster and starfish in 3 feet
of water.) While you're here, climb aboard what's left of the old
Henry Flagler rail line and enjoy the panorama of the surrounding Keys.

For more information like this, get a copy of the 3rd edition of
Florida For Dummies [ http://www.dummies.com/WileyCDA/DummiesTitle/productCd-07
6457745X.html?cid=etipBookLink ],
by Lesley Abravanel.



v v v v v



*submitted by*
WaltWiso


A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was
nicely  made and  everything was picked up Then he saw an  envelope  propped
up prominently on the pillow.  It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst
premonition, he opened the  envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and  sorrow that I'm writing you. I had  to elope with  my
new girlfriend because I  wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.
I've been finding real passion  with Joan and she is so nice. I  knew  you would not
approve of her because of all  her piercing,  tattoos, her tight motorcycle   clothes
and because she is so much  older than I am.

But it's not only the  passion,  Dad, she's pregnant. Joan said that we will be very  happy.
She owns a trailer in the  woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.
We share a dream of  having many more children.
Joan has opened my eyes to the  fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it  for  us and trading it with the other people  in the  commune
for all the cocaine  and  ecstasy we want In the meantime, we'll  pray that  science
will find a cure for AIDS so  Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years  old now and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday I'm sure we'll be back  to visit so you can get to know  your grandchildren.
PS Dad, none of the  above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted  to
remind you that there are  worse things in life than the report card that's in my desk  drawer.
I love you!  Call  when it is  safe for me to come  home



v v v v v




Unlike those perverted sickos,
I masturbate while only *imagining*
myself wearing women's clothes.
(Damian Krebs)


Oddly enough, my son's teacher wasn't
too happy when he brought "Daddy's
enormous penis" for show and tell.
(Nick Ehart)


They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder,
but I find it's often in huge tits, too.
(Brad Wilkerson)


I don't know about the rest of you guys,
but if I ever get a 4-hour erection, my
*wife* is the one who's going to need
to seek immediate medical attention.
(Plaid Boy)


I can only assume the guy who named
Viagra didn't think of Peniscillin first.
(Bob Van Voris)


If men had clitorises, I bet they’d view the world
a lot differently. For example, instead of thinking,
"I wish a woman would suck my penis," I'll bet men
would think, "I wish a woman would suck my clitoris."
(The Covert Comic)



v v v v v



A young man had just returned from college and
was parked with his old girlfriend out at the
cemetary one night.

She said, "Ain't it gruesome!"

He said, "That's not right, it should be hasn't
it grown some."



v v v v v



Why Hockey Is Better Than Sex


* It's legal to play hockey professionally.

* The puck is always hard.

* The protective equipment is reusable.

* It lasts a full hour.

* You know you're finished when the buzzer sounds.

* Periods last only 20 minutes.

* A 2-on-1 and a 3-on-1 is not uncommon.

* You can count on it at least twice a week.

* Your parents cheer when you score.

* You can tell your friends about it afterwards.



v v v v v



  Things that you should NEVER say to a woman during an argument:


Don't you have some laundry to do or something?

Ohh, you are so cute when you get all pissed off.

You're just upset because your ass is beginning to spread.

Wait a minute - I get it. What time of the month is it?

You sure you don't want to consult the great Oprah on this one?

Sorry. I was just picturing you naked.

Whoa, time out. Football is on.

Looks like someone had an extra bowl of bitch flakes this morning!

Is there any way we can do this via e-mail?

Who are you kidding? We both know that thing ain't loaded.



v v v v v







Click here: Pop Artists In Concert
http://clk.about.com/?zi=18/15q/B&sdn=top40&cdn=entertainment&tm=68&gps=56_603_1193_850&f
=00&su=p284.5.420.ip_p532.0.400.ip_p445.92.150.ip_&tt=11&bt=1&bts=1&zu=http%3A//top40.about.
com/od/concerts/Pop_and_Top_40_Concert_Tours_and_Tickets.htm
Information on current concert tours

Click here: 10 Best R&B Love Duets
http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/%5Bm3
Whether you're making a mixtape for your significant other, looking for songs to sing with your baby on Karaoke
night, or just like hearing male and female voices in harmony, this list of best R&B duets is for you.

Click here: Ozzfest 2007 To Be Free
http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/%5Bm6
In a news release posted on the official Ozzfest site, it was announced that the festival's 12th year will have a
new twist when it comes to tickets and ticket prices. Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne and tour producer Live
Nation broke the news today that they are "pulling the plug on ticket prices and giving the power back
to the fans" calling this summer’s Ozzfest "FreeFest." The 25-date tour launches July 7 in Los Angeles. The other Ozzfest
cities as of now are San Diego, San Francisco, Seattle, Denver, Albuquerque, Phoenix, Dallas, San Antonio, Kansas
City, St Louis, Chicago, Indianapolis, Columbus, Pittsburgh, New York, Boston, Philadelphia,
Hartford, Charlotte, Atlanta, West Palm Beach, Nashville.

   

v v v v v



On this day in 1965, Sony introduces the first video cassette
recorder, priced at a whopping $995. Sales are almost
non-existant until the late 70's, when millions of North
American men suddenly realize that this miraculous new
device allows them to masturbate while watching complete
strangers fuck, all in the comfort of their own living room!
Technology, huzzah!



v v v v v



*submitted by*
KP1983

The Math teacher saw that little Davie wasn’t paying attention is class. She called on him and said,
“Davie, what are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?”

Little Davie quickly replied, “NBC, CBS, HBO and The Cartoon Network!”



v v v v v



*submitted by*
jacksinfla@earthlink.net



A man walked into a bar in Lexington, Kentucky and ordered a drink.

While he was sitting at the bar watching T.V., one of Hillary's political ads came on.

After it went off, he stood up and announced to everyone, "Hillary is a horse's' ass!"

The bartender reached under the bar and brought out an oak club
About 18 inches long and hit the man square across the mouth,
Knocking him off his stool and onto the floor.

After a minute or two, the man got up, straightened himself up and said to
the bartender, "I'm sorry. I didn't know this was Hillary country."

"It's not!" replied the bartender. "This is horse country!"



v v v v v







Click here: Haiku Journey Game Download at Big Fish Games
http://strongmail.bigfishgames.com/track?type=click&mailingid=200611131415&messageid=&databaseid=1234&seria
l=116350740424957&emailid=debssweet@aol.com&userid=&extra=&&&http://www.
bigfishgames.com/downloads/haikujourney/index.html?src=bfg12y0xenl0175
Create words by linking letters to release the butterflies that fill in a poet's ancient haiku word puzzle for you to solve.
Earn special bonuses that will help you along the way. Solve the haiku and progress
on your journey to the ultimate destination of Mount Fuji.

Click here: http://69.93.111.150/albino_flash16/tunnl(www.albinoblacksheep.com).swf
http://69.93.111.150/albino_flash16/tunnl(www.albinoblacksheep.com).swf
The Missile Game 3D  -  In the game you are piloting a millile through a large tunnel,
and you must avoid crashing to make it to the end of each stage. 

Click here: Water Bugs
http://www.gamehouse.com/gamedetails/?game=waterbugs&navpage=downloadgames
The bugs are back! From the creators of Cosmic Bugs comes another thrilling challenge of wits and reflexes.
Crazy bugs have crash landed in the oceans and it's up to you to stop their destructive path through over 500 levels.
Draw lines through strange shapes to trap the bugs, fill up the screen, and save the day. Gorgeous
undersea graphics highlight this exciting adventure. Battle the bugs, today!



v v v v v



Eggnog without alcohol was about one ingredient away from being pancak batter



v v v v v



A national survey of the bee population has
found that there are only half as many bees as
there were 50 years ago. What's the buzz?


The Top 8 Bee Disappearance Theories


8> According to their attorneys, it's none of our beeswax.

7> Gone into hiding until a moratorium is declared on beards of bees.

6> Many still incarcerated following that Sting Break ruckus in Fort Lauderdale.

5> They have taken up golf, joined the Republican Party and become WASPS.

4> Despondency over not having found a queen to follow since Freddie Mercury died.

3> Mysteriously vanishing whenever they get near the Bermuda Hexagon.

2> Flowers have gotten better at using their pistils.


     and the Number 1 Bee Disappearance Theory...


1> Do you *know* how many stings it takes to get Angelina Jolie's
    lips like that?



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Dirty Bastard
1 1/2 oz vodka
1/2 oz blackberry brandy
cranberry juice
1 squeeze limes
Pour vodka, brandy and cranberry juice
(to taste) into an ice-filled highball glass.
Add one squeeze of lime, and serve. 


Hot Pants
1 1/2 oz Tequila
1 oz Peppermint Schnapps
1/2 oz Grapefruit Juice
2 tsp Powdered Sugar
Ice Shake with ice cubes and pour
into a glass rimmed with salt.
   


v v v v v



The Top 16 Signs You're a Lousy Pickup Artist


16> "You must be an angel, because that outfit is as shapeless as a robe."

15> You're so accustomed to pepper spray, you now put it on your eggs.

14> Thanks to your faulty hearing, you stuff your pants with stocks.

13> "I always seem attracted to women who look like my ex-wife,
    hideous skank that she is."

12> As extra ammo to close the deal, you carry around a copy
    that one Top 5 List where you hat-tricked.

11> You've been turned down every single day for the last two
    years when you use the old line, "Come here often?" -- by
    now you should realize your cellmate's just not interested.

10> You're tired of being discriminated against because of your
    sexual orientation. Even neverosexuals have rights, y'know.

9> When asked what cologne you're wearing, you proudly proclaim
    it's the bottle of William Shatner's "Engage" you got at the
    San Diego Comic-Con in 2001.

8> So far, none of the women in the bar seem to be that impressed
    with your encyclopedic knowledge of venereal diseases.

7> "No, it's true! I have a master's rating in 3D chess!"

6> When you whisper your come-on line into your wife's ear
    while engaging in a bit of erotic role-playing in a bar,
    she splashes her drink on you and storms out.

5> You're an 8-year-old boy with a bottle of wine and a pet
    monkey, yet you go home alone from Neverland Ranch.

4> "What's a sweetheart like you doing in a Lamaze class like this?"

3> Your best move? Reciting an extemporaneous poem about her
    beauty. In Klingon.

2> "I'm happy to see you. Now, you ask me something about my pocket."


and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign You're a Lousy Pickup Artist...


1> "Bartender? Couple of Zimas for me and tubby here."



v v v v v

      

*submitted by*
ron_stott@yahoo.com



Kid Wisdom


When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer.

Never tell your mom her diet's not working.

Stay away from prunes.

Don't pull your dad's finger when he tells you to.

Never leave your three-year-old brother in the same room as
your school assignment.

If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.

Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick.

Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.

When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when
she's on the phone.



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*submitted by*
jacksinfla@earthlink.net







v v v v v



*submitted by*
BADVETTE87



A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next  to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was
plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few  minutes the man turned to
the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes  arthritis?"

The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living,  being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol,
contempt for your fellow  man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned," Then  returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man  and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't
mean to come on so strong. How long  have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just  reading here that the Pope does."



v v v v v



*submitted by*
lg1@tampabay.rr.com



Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local
town hall where a Flower Show was in progress. One leaned over and
said to the other, "Life is so darned boring; we never have any fun
anymore. For $5.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that
stupid Flower Show!"

"You're on!" said the other old lady holding up a $5.00 bill.

The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes
and, completely nude, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through
the front door of the Flow r Show. Waiting outside, her friend soon
heard a huge commotion inside the hall
followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. The naked and smiling
old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.

"I won 1st Prize as Best Dried Arrangement!"



v v v v v







Click here: smartorstoopid
http://www.flashbynight.com/test/
The Smart or Stoopid test is purely meant to be a fun quiz to see how your IQ rates alongside the average,
based on the scores of other people who have taken the test. Naturally, only stupid people would take it as a true
indicator of intelligence, and only intelligent people would take it as a true
indicator of stupidity. Or something like that.

Click here: cheddarvision.tv » Live Cheddar Cheese direct from the Westcountry »
http://www.cheddarvision.tv/
Shop, screensaver, learn more

Click here: Frozen Waves in Newfoundland
http://us.video.aol.com/video.index.adp?mode=1&pmmsid=1838943
Frozen waves crush against the shore in the brutally cold clip -- amazing!!!

Click here: Picture essays > Stuff that people write on money (sorabji.com)
http://www.sorabji.com/_/Stuff_People_Write_on_Money
See what things people write on money --- and the things they draw!

Click here: GovAuctionAlert.com
http://www.govauctionalert.com/?h=A3143239
Every day, the government confiscates, seizes and repossesses thousands of items. Ever wonder where it goes?
It's sold at government auctions at HUGE DISCOUNTS! And it's more than just cars and houses.
Nearly anything you can imagine is on sale.

*submitted by*
GRANDPASAM56
Click here: Hugs From Heaven
http://www.mamarocks.com/hugs_from_heaven.htm
A sweet site

Click here: Bodies... The Exhibition at the Tropicana Las Vegas
http://govegas.about.com/od/attractions/a/bodiestrop.htm
Perhaps one of the most impressive works of science you may ever see. To understand the human anatomy
you must see it up close and in person. This exhibition introduces you to the human body though actual human specimens
in a display of science marvel.  I saw this and it's the most amazing thing
I have ever witnessed in my life!  Period.

Click here: Wal-Mart Crime Report - Is your local Wal-Mart Safe?
http://www.walmartcrimereport.com/
Read your local Wal-Mart crime report -- wow

Click here: BadPsychics - www.badpsychics.co.uk - News
http://badpsychics.com/thefraudfiles/modules/news/
Psychics busted!

Click here: Free Relationship Quizzes, Marriage Quizzes, Personality Quizzes, Health Quizzes: LifeScript.com
http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/
You're back in high school, and it's three hours past your curfew. You slink back into the house and your mom's
standing in the living room. Her crossed arms and tensed jaw tell you how upset she is. The days of high
school may be long gone, but the ability to read between people's words is a skill that you'll need for the rest of your
life. Even when you're silent, your body is sending signals about your mood and inner thoughts.
Do you know what kind of signals you're sending? Find out now.

Click here: Lie Detection
http://tkdtutor.com/07Defense/LieDetection.htm
It is useful to be able to detect when someone is lying to you. It may be a student lying to the instructor, a "master"
lying to students, a so called "black belt" telling about his glorious past, or an instructor lying to potential students.
It may be a person who approaches you on the street or a person who comes to your door.
Many people who lie give themselves away by their body language. This is not always the case , but it does apply to
most people. Habitual liars or people with no conscience are so used to lying that they begin to believe themselves so
they may not display the gestures of a lair. But people with some sense of integrity will unconsciously express guilt
with their body movements when they lie. It is similar to the statue of the three wise monkeys who "Speak no evil,"
"See no evil," or "Hear no evil." Children exaggerate the movements, but as they get older, the movements become
more refined and less obvious, but they still occur. The following five common gestures that suggest
as person is lying are not infallible, but they should put you on guard.
   

   
v v v v v



The Top 15 Signs Spring Break Has Arrived


15> Cars on Florida freeways reach speeds in excess of 17 mph.

14> Earth's rotation shifts slightly, as 80% of the world's beer  converges on Florida.

13> State troopers all over the country stand in front of their
    mirrors, drawing their radar guns and saying, "Do you feel lucky, punk?"

12> George W. Bush goes from being vague about the issues at Bob
    Jones University to getting right to the point at the beach
    with some Notre Dame co-eds.

11> Portable toilets replace technology stocks as the big gainer
    on the NASDAQ.

10> Residents of Ft. Lauderdale and Panama City start
    Scotch-Guarding everything, including pets.

9> The average age in Florida dips all the way down to 72.

8> Weatherman's latest forecast for South Padre Island?
    95% chance of meaningless sex with random people.

7> Standard Time ends; Moonlight Puking Time begins.

6> Live from Lake Havasu City, MTV is proud to bring you
    "Undressed, Unconscious and Unprotected."

5> A naked Ted Kennedy causes a brief stir when confused tourists
    attempt to save the senator by pushing him back into the sea.

4> You get to see breasts without that pesky two drink minimum
    and constant tipping.

3> J.C. Penney holds its annual "Thong and Bong Sale."

2> White trash teenage crossdressing vampire nuns on Jerry
    Springer suddenly sporting bitchin' tans.


    and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign Spring Break Has Arrived...


1> You wake up behind a 7-11 in Daytona with a goat and a Barbie
    doll, reeking of marmalade -- and your first thought is "Not again!!"



v v v v v



Did you hear about the new Tennessee State Lottery?

The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.



v v v v v




by deb



True Evil
by Greg Iles
 

"The novel leads, inevitably, to a showdown between the FBI  agent who is fueled by love and the scientist
who burns with malice. It's a  wham-bam ending that features snakes, SWAT teams, helicopters, speedboats, 
government assassins and heroic sacrifice, all with a child's life in the  balance. True Evil will be too dark for some
readers, but for those who  enjoy lush, full-tilt thrillers, it will be engrossing and fun"

I really enjoyed this book because it was so much more believable than most books of this
genre.  It made sense, the characters were believable and the book moved along at
a fast pace and most don't!  It's 512 pages but sure doesn't seem that long!

Definitely read it.



v v v v v



No bananas she said, with a sigh,
And a tear trickled down from her eye.
No cukes, no zucchinis,
No Oscar Meyer weenies,
"I'll have to go find me a guy."



v v v v v



Joe and Moe went outside to take a leak and Joe confessed,
"I wish I had one like my cousin Junior. He needs four fingers to hold his."

Moe looked over and pointed out, "But you're holding yours with four fingers."

"I know," said Joe with a sigh, "but I'm peeing on three of them."



v v v v v



During a commercial airline flight, a Navy pilot was seated next to a
young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the
descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly
as possible. The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon debarking, he
gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related
paraphernalia.

When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded,
"Gosh, that's a good looking baby...and he sure was hungry!"

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said
nursing would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The Navy Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion
exclaimed, "And all these years I've been chewing gum."



v v v v v







Emphasizing Spyware Importance to Users

Nowadays, blocking spyware takes place primarily on end-user
workstations, and many spyware-blocking programs still rely on
frequent user interaction in order to keep signature files and
software up to date. If your organization is going to have any
chance at winning (or at least, not getting involved in) the
spyware wars, your users had better know what to do and how to do
it. Users should also be aware of the consequences of not keeping
up on scanning and updates -- infection by spyware and potential
reprimand for not following corporate security guidelines.

More than that, users need to know -- at least on a rudimentary
level -- what spyware is all about. The reason for this is that
spyware-blocking tools are not 100 percent effective, so
diligence on the part of users is another important factor that
helps prevent spyware from breaking into your environment. If you
can't get users' attention regarding protecting the company
assets, you might also point out that spyware doesn't
discriminate between company data and personal data.



v v v v v



Husband and wife in bed together.
She feels his hand rubbing her shoulder.

She: "Oh, that feels good."

His hand moves to her breast.
She: "Gee, honey, that feels wonderful."

His hand moves to her leg.
She: "Oh, honey, don't stop."
But he stops.

She: "Why did you stop?"

He: "I found the remote."



v v v v v



John and Brian are out and about.  John notices that Brian
is a bit pissy during the evening, so he finally brings up.

"Yo, man, you've been cranky all damned day.  What the
hell is wrong with you.  You're acting like you've got PMS."

"Naw, I don't have PMS, but I definitely think I'm suffering
from the male counterpart.  I call it SRH."

"SRH?  What's that?"

"Sperm Retention Headache."



v v v v v




Click here: Sociale Meal Preparation Retail Stores & Franchises Available
http://socialegourmet.com/
Pretty cool --- do you have one near you?

Click here: Old Australian Food Recipes | Recipes, Cooking and Delicious
Meals the old time way in Australia
http://www.oldaussierecipes.com/
Old time coolimg - tastes of yesteryear -- in Australia

Click here: Wheel of Food
http://www.coverpop.com/wheeloflunch/
This is so neat --- enter your zip code and put lunch, breakfast, dinner and it
will suggest lots of places to eat in your zip code !!



v v v v v





Click here: MacFixIt - Tutorial: Fixes for system-wide freezes when Web browsing [avoiding lookupd bug]
http://www.macfixit.com/article.php?story=20050921061826456
Under Mac OS X 10.3.x and Mac OS X 10.4.x there exists an issue where some users experience a stall in Safari
or other Web browsers when accessing certain Web sites that usually leads to a complete system
freeze accompanied by the unending "spinning beach ball" progress indicator.
   
   

v v v v v



A lady friend of mine spent some time in Egypt and brought
back a rather unusual story.  She was at a bazaar on one of
Cairo's side streets, and saw a skull being exhibited.  She
asked the proprietor about it.
He told her it was the authentic skull of Cleopatra.

Alongside that skull was a smaller one, which also piqued
her interest. When she asked about that one, the proprietor
said: "That m'Lady is also Cleopatra's -- but as a child."



v v v v v



  BAKED SWEET POTATO SHOESTRING FRIES  

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  

INGREDIENTS:  
3 tablespoons orange juice  
2 teaspoons vegetable oil  
1/2 teaspoon ground ginger  
1/4 teaspoon salt  
1/8 teaspoon ground red pepper  
2 large sweet potatoes, peeled and cut into 1/8-inch strips  
  (about 1-1/2 pounds)  
Cooking spray  

INSTRUCTIONS  
Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Combine first 5 ingredients in a  
small saucepan; bring to a boil. Reduce heat; simmer 2 minutes  
or until slightly thick. Remove from heat; let cool.  Combine  
juice mixture and potatoes in a large bowl; toss well. Remove  
potatoes from bowl; discard juice mixture. Arrange potato strips  
in a single layer on a baking sheet coated with cooking spray.  
Bake at 400 degrees for 30 minutes or until edges are crisp.  

YIELD: 4 Servings  
Nutritional Information: CALORIES 194 (8% from fat); FAT 1.8g  
(sat 0.3g, mono 0.4g, poly 0.8g); PROTEIN 2.9g; CARB 42.1g;  
FIBER 5.1g; CHOL 0mg; IRON 1mg; SODIUM 169mg; CALC 38mg  



v v v v v



What's better than hugging a doggie?

Kissing a pussy!



v v v v v




Click here: Notice For Men
http://www.ezines4all.com/at200405/001.htm

Click here: ~AIKEN DRUM'S~ * a laugh a day *
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/557.html

Click here: ~AIKEN DRUM'S~ * a laugh a day *
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Click here: ~AIKEN DRUM'S~ * a laugh a day *
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Click here: ~AIKEN DRUM'S~ * a laugh a day *
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/329.html

Click here: ~AIKEN DRUM'S~ * a laugh a day *
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/330.html

Click here: ~AIKEN DRUM'S~ * a laugh a day *
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1009.html



v v v v v



Rockin' and  Rollin' makes no endorsement or warranty, expressed or implied, with regard
to featured products or services.  Results may vary based on operating
systems and other variables beyond our control



v v v v v



Another issue on it's way to YOU! and another one already in the making!  So meet us back
here next week, same time - same place

but remember, no matter where you are or what you are doing,
never,
ever,
EVER
forget to

keep on rockin'
it's a state of mind



v v v v v

©1999 - 2007 - Deborah Austin -  All rights reserved and held by Rockin' and Rollin'

v v v v v

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