Editor:
DebsSweet
Graphic Editors: Guysbabi, Ditziexx, LuvintheCountry,
CrispySue, kittykab
Children's Book Editor: Amanda260
Internet Security Editor: DebsSweet
Aloha!
New laptop -- new operating system! Hey y'all --- I really like Vista
so far!
It's a kindler, gentler OS - difficult to explain. Check it out but
make sure your system can handle the upgrade first!
For your security at home, please please go to the site listed below
with the police saying STOP! It's shocking -- and I'm concerned!
Be careful when surfing the Internet. I have checked EACH link submitted
to you and they are in working
order as of this posting. Always be aware of the risks out there and keep
current with your
anti-virus and adware removal software!
If you would like to SIGN UP or BE REMOVED (sure, remove yourself, break my
heart
and force me into therapy for life) from this mailing list, please send an email
to me, deb@debsnewsletter.com and your request will be handled promptly.
Kick up your feet and put your problems behind you cause darlin' it's time to
ROCK AND ROLL!
and don't forget to buckle your seatbelts, cause it's going to be a wild
ride!
*submitted by*
GuysBabi
He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked the shit out of him...
Like his mother used to do
v
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I came out of a convenience store the other day and some
seedy looking guy walks up to me and holds up a little
sign: "DEAF & DUMB... Can you spare $10?"
Wow! What happened to a dollar or 2? So I reached into my
pocket for my wallet, opened it, took out a folded piece
of paper and handed it to him.
It said: "I CAN'T READ" and I walked away.
v
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Cheese Cake Pucker
1
oz Vodka
2 oz cheese cake mix
fill grapefruit juice
Instructions ice rocks (flavors same as 1st) Servings 1
Backdraft
1
oz Drambuie
1 oz Grand Mariner
Instructions no mix (Pour equal amounts into a
Brandy Snifter and light. Place hand over the top
of the glass to form an airtight seal that
extinguishes the flame. Straw is then slide
between fingers keeping as tight a seal as possible.
Drink beverage through the str
v
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*submitted by*
M Dubya M
Money can't buy you happiness ..
but it does bring you
a more pleasant form of misery.
Spike Milligan
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When my son was in the ninth grade, we reluctantly agreed to let him
move into the basement. Then I realized how convenient it was to get
him to the breakfast table.
Before, I used to stand at the bottom of the staircase and scream his name.
Now all I had to do was flick the basement light off and on, and he was here.
One morning I flicked the switch, and nothing happened.
I did it several more times.
"I'm on my way," my son shouted. "You don't have to yell!"
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*submitted
by*
BADVETTE87
The *USS William Jefferson Clinton* (*CVS1)* set sail today from
its home port of Vancouver, BC.
The ship is the first of its kind in the Navy and is a standing legacy to President
Bill Clinton "for his foresight in military
budget cuts" and his conduct while president. The
ship is constructed nearly entirely from recycled aluminum and is
completely solar powered with a top speed of 5 knots.
It boasts an arsenal comprised of one (unarmed) F14 Tomcat or one
(unarmed) F18 Hornet aircraft which although they
cannot be launched or captured on the 100 foot flight deck, but form a
very menacing presence.
As a standing order there are no firearms allowed on board. The 20 person
crew is completely diversified, including members of
all races, creeds, sex, and sexual orientation. This
crew, like the crew aboard the *USS Jimmy Carter*, is specially trained to
avoid conflicts and appease any and all enemies of
the United States at all costs.
An onboard Type One, DNC Universal Translator can send out messages of apology
in any language to anyone who may find
America offensive. The number of apologies are limitless
and though some may sound hollow and disingenuous, the Navy advises
all apologies will sound very sincere.
The ship's purpose is not defined so much as a unit of national defense, but
instead in times of conflict the *USS Clinton* has
orders to seek refuge in Canada. The ship may
be positioned near the Democratic National Party Headquarters for photo-ops
and can
be used extensively for social experimentation and
whatever other worthless jobs, the ex-commander-in-chief and his wife can
think of. It is largely rumored that the
ship will also be the set for the upcoming season of MTV's "The Real World."
The ship was renamed and commissioned *USS William J Clinton*
when someone realized the *USS Blowfish* was
already taken.
v v v v v
Click here: Sperling's Best Places
http://www.bestplaces.net/
Maybe you're planning on moving in the upcoming year. If that's the case, do
your
research carefully before you decide on a new city.
Sperling's Best Places can help. You can find out about cities and towns all
across the country.
There's demographic information, along with opinions from people who live there.
If you don't know where to start, take the "Find Your Best Place" quiz. Answer
a series of
questions and get a ranking of the best cities for you.
*submitted by*
ron_stott@yahoo.com
43 Things
http://www.43things.com/
People have known for years that making a list of goals is the best way to achieve
them. Why is that? First, getting
your goals in writing can help you clarify what you really want to do. You might
find you have some important and some
frivolous goals. That is OK. You’ve got space for 43 Things on your list. Not
every one of
them has to change the world (but save room for the ones that might).
What do you want to do with your life? It is not an easy question to answer
– and you shouldn’t have to
answer alone. Browse 43 Things to find out what others want to do. You might
find some goals you share.
Click the “I want to do this” button to add a goal to your list. Got an idea
for a new goal? Just type it in the text box
on the homepage or at the bottom of any page on the site. Bam. Now, it’s your
thing.
Click here: Etsy :: Buy
http://www.etsy.com/buy.php
Buy, sell -- home made items!
Click here: Charity Navigator - America's
Largest Charity Evaluator
http://www.charitynavigator.org/
Charity Navigator, America's premier independent charity evaluator, works to
advance a more efficient and responsive
philanthropic marketplace by evaluating the financial health of America's largest
charities.
*submitted by*
WDavisga
Click here:
Southern Belles
http://mysthillarium.com/anthology/southern_belle.htm
..... and I'm a true southern belle, through and through
Click here: DealCatcher: Free Online Coupons
Dell, Amazon, Best Buy, Overstock
http://www.dealcatcher.com/
Online shopping is convenient. When you shop online, you usually have to visit
several sites
to make sure you're getting the best deal. That’s where comparison sites come
in handy.
Comparison sites make it easy to check prices. Simply type in what you are looking
for and these sites scour
the Internet to find the best prices. But you could still be missing out on
coupons and promotions.
There are many comparison shopping sites online. Today’s site is a tad different.
Sure, it provides prices. But it also
lists new deals and coupons each day. You can also sign up for alerts to come
to you via e-mail. Enjoy!
Click here: Time for Some New Clichés:
Banished Words for 2007
http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/%5BO9
Lake Superior State University has released its annual List
of Banished Words: 16 worn-out, misused,
and generally worthless words and expressions drawn from more than 4,500 nominations.
Click here: Happiness Quiz
http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/%5BOF
While there’s more to happiness than just the absence of stress, many of the
areas we focus on in stress
management are the same areas in life that, according to recent research, are
correlated with overall happiness as
well. Additionally, measuring the level of satisfaction and happiness a person
has on these 16 areas of life can
help measure a person’s overall level of happiness. This 16-question self test
can help you examine those areas
of your life and roughly measure your overall happiness level. Additionally,
if you’re dissatisfied with your life in
any of these areas, you’ll find resources to reduce stress in these areas, increase
your happiness, and improve
your life. Simply pick the answers that come closest to describing your situation.
Ready? Let’s get started:
Click
here: Dummies::Making Your Work Space Work
http://www.dummies.com/WileyCDA/DummiesArticle/id-928.html?cid=etipArticleLink
Now is the time to put everything into place. Your goal? Fingertip management
of everything you do. The way
to get there? Blueprint your workspace. You may not be an architect, but anyone
can benefit from drawing
up a floor plan to find the most productive office placement. You may discover
a new way to face your desk for
better concentration, hidden space for another file cabinet, or a nifty arrangement
to put all your reference books within reach.
Click here: Do The Robot! - A Funny
Movie From Humor Haus!
http://www.humorhaus.com/hh815.htm
Pretty amazing guy
Click here: National Association of Unclaimed
Property Administrators
http://www.unclaimed.org/
unclaimed property can come from a variety of places. It could come from a forgotten
bank account, royalties, utility deposits or other places.
NAUPA (National Association of Unclaimed Property Administrators – what a mouthful!)
provides links to states' databases of unclaimed property.
Enter your name to see if you have a little cash awaiting you. And don’t forget
to check regularly!
v
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US weekly reports that Paris Hilton is getting rid of her tattoo
of Nick Carter on her buttocks. She?s not having it removed with
a laser. It?s just fading from wear and tear.
Jay Leno
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Baked
Chicken and Rice
1 lb boneless skinless chicken breasts
1 can cream of mushroom soup
1 cup water
1 envelope onion soup mix
1 cup rice, (not instant)
Place chicken in prepared casserole dish.
In separate bowl mix together remaining ingredients. Pour over chicken.
Cover and bake at 375°F. for 1 hour.
Servings: 2
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Gone golfin' ... be back about dark thirty.
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Robert Adler, co-inventor of the remote control,
and therefore one of the men personally
responsible for our obesity crisis, died last
week. Let us all click in unison in tribute.
The Top 7 Ways Life Would Be Different Without the Remote Control
7> A lot more would get done around my house -- because the TV
would always be stuck on SoapNet, right where my sabotaging wife
left it.
6> I'd still watch a lot of crap, but it would all be on one channel.
5> I'd have to figure out a new way to make the porn disappear
when my wife walks into the room. And by "wife," of course, I
mean my mom.
4> Starving sofa cushions would be compelled to begin devouring
cell phones and iPods.
3> I'd never have gotten hooked on my favorite nightly three-hour
show, "Scan-the-Dial Theatre."
2> Doctors would have to remove something different that my
touchy pregnant wife rammed up my ass.
and the Number 1 Way Life
Would Be
Different Without the Remote Control...
1> I'd just be lamely pressing the chalk-drawn buttons on this
weathered brick I found.
v
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*submitted by*
CHIN3917
At last.... A REAL Man's Chain Letter!
This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and
discouraged men.
Unlike most chain letters, this one doesn't cost anything!
Just send a copy of this letter to five of your male friends who are equally
tired and discontent. Then bundle up
your wife and/or girlfriend and send her to the man whose name appears at the
top of the
following list, and add your name to the bottom of the list.
When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women. One of them is bound to
be better than the one you already have.
At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 women,
four of whom were worth keeping.
This chain also brings good luck. One man's pit bull died, and the next day
he received a Playboy playmate.
An unmarried Jewish man living with his widowed mother was able to choose between
a Hooter's waitress and a Hollywood super model.
You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN! One man broke the chain and
got his wife back again. Damn!
Let's keep it going, men! Just add your name to the list below.
----------------------
Bill Clinton
780 3rd Ave
New York, NY 10017
Billie Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York , NY 10017
B. Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017
William Jefferson Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017
W. Jefferson Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017
W. Jeff Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York , NY 10017
W. J. Clinton 780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017
W. Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017
William J Clinton
780 3r d Ave.
New York, NY 10017
Willem Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017
Wilhelm Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017
Billy Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York , NY 10017
Willie Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York , NY 10017
Will Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017
Mr. Hillary Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New York, NY 10017
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v
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If a man lies to you, don't get mad; get even.
I once dated a guy who waited three months into our relationship before
he told me he was married.
I said "Hey, don't worry about it. I used to be a man."
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My wife and I went to a costume party a short time ago. We had great fun but
there was one woman's costume
that we just couldn't figure out. She had taped and pinned sponges all over
her entire body.
Finally, we gave up guessing and my wife asked, "So what are you?"
The woman replied, "I'm self-absorbed!"
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by deb
Amazing
Gracie
by
Dan Dye and Mark Beckloff
Is there any dog that can melt the heart of a true dog lover more than one with
physical disabilities? Tears will stain the
pages as you read about Gracie, the deaf, partly blind albino Great Dane puppy/child
of the co-founders of Three Dog
Bakery in Kansas City. Indeed, the bakery's start-up can be credited to poor
Gracie, who developed
anorexia and inspired her parents to create tantalizing dog treats.
I enjoyed every single page of this book! At some points, I laughed out
loud -- at others, I cried.
If you love dogs and have a sense of humor then you are going to absolutely
love this book! I know I did!
v
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*submitted by*
garyfranklen@charter.net
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made
love the husband always
insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this
was ridiculous.
She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while
they were in the
middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She
looked dow... And saw her husband was holding a battery-operated
pleasure device... A vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She
went completely ballistic.
You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all
of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the
toy . . . You explain the kids."
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Waiting
For The Phone To Ring
by
Robert Byron
Having experienced my share of calls from telemarketers, I find
myself preparing for their calls so that I can take control of the
conversation and turn their sales pitch into a time consuming wasted
effort. Long distance services seem to be the most frequent callers
and I love it when they call. It's just another opportunity to use
some of the same tactics that I used with AT&T. One evening I had
a conversation with a phone service solicitor that went something like this:
Sprint: This is Charles with Sprint and I wonder if you have a
moment for me to tell you about our revolutionary new plan for
long distance service?
Me: Does it involve two cups and a string?
Sprint: No sir, it's our new wireless communication option.
Me: So that would be two cups without the string.
Sprint: Well sort of. I'm talking about cellular communications.
Me: And there are no strings attached?
Sprint: Well, that depends on what you mean by that.
Me: Are there or aren't there stings attached?
Sprint: To the plan or the phones?
Me: Why are you answering my question with a question?
Sprint: I'm just trying to clarify what you mean.
Me: I say what I mean and mean what I say.
Sprint: Yes sir and that's a good way to be. May I tell you about
our new service?
Me: Can you hold of for just a second?
Sprint: Yes I can.
Me: OK, hang on, I'll be right back.
Yes, the classic "put the phone down and see if the guy stays on the
line" maneuver and off I go to the kitchen to make a sandwich. After
a couple of minutes have passed, I pick up the phone and say:
Me: You still there?
Sprint: Yes sir, I sure am!
Me: OK, hold on a second, I'll be right back.
Off to the kitchen I go to eat my sandwich. After a couple of
minutes I pick up the phone and say:
Me: Sorry to keep you waiting. Who did you want to speak with?
Sprint: I'd like to speak to the person responsible for the phone bill.
Me: So would I. The phone company keeps sending me bills and I'd
like to tell that guy he charges too much.
Sprint: Well sir, I have a way to reduce the amount you pay on
your phone bill each month.
Me: Why don't you tell me about it?
Sprint: Our plan will yada, yada, yada, blah, blah, blah.
The guy gives his best pitch and in the middle of it, I hand the
phone to my wife.
Sprint: So, are you interested?
Wife: I'm sorry, could you repeat that? I missed the first part.
Sprint: Wasn't I talking with someone else a moment ago?
Wife: That was my husband. He had to go pee.
Sprint: OK, well our plan yada, yada, yada, blah, blah, blah.
As he gives his speech again, my wife hands the phone back to me.
Sprint: .would you be interested in that?
Me: I want to know what you said to my wife?
Sprint: I was telling her about our long distance plan.
Me: What did you say to her to make her cry?
Sprint: I didn't say anything to make her cry.
Me: Well then, why is she crying?
Sprint: I don't know sir.
Me: Can you hang on a minute?
Sprint: Sure.
Me: I'll be right back.
Time to watch a little TV. After a couple of minutes I pick up
the phone again and what do I hear? The sweet sound of a dial tone
and a mission accomplished.
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The
Top 7 Reasons I Can't Be You
7> I don't know, but it worries me that both of our wives like the idea so
much.
6> You haven't got the hair-sprouting ass-moles for it, babe.
5> Because UB40! Get it, you pathetic '80s-obsessed dinosaur?
4> You don't have the man-boobs to make this halter dress work.
3> Because then people would call me a pathetic, whiny, insipid
little twit behind *my* back.
2> Because I don't want you wearing my underwear. That's just gross.
and the Number 1 Reason I Can't Be You...
1> Because I finally got the driver's seat and mirrors adjusted.
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Click here: PhishTank | Join the
fight against phishing
http://www.phishtank.com/index.php
Phishing is a fraudulent attempt, usually made through email, to steal your
personal information.
PhishTank is a collaborative clearing house for data and information about phishing
on the Internet. Also,
PhishTank provides an open API for developers and researchers to integrate
anti-phishing data into their applications at no charge.
Submit suspected phishes.
Track the status of your
submissions.
Verify
other users' submissions. Develop
software with our free API.
v
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For years, a farmer lived on the border of Iowa and Minnesota and never knew
what state he actually lived in.
Finally, an official surveyor came to the farm to determine his residency. "Sir,
it turns out that you live in Iowa."
"Whew," the farmer sighed.
"Why so relieved?" the confused surveyor asked.
"No more Minnesota winters."
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In three words, I can sum up everything I've learned about life...It goes on.
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Click here: Cookbook
Reviews The latest and Best Cookbook reviews from food fun and facts
http://www.foodfunandfacts.com/cookbooks.htm
Cookbook reviews - the latest and best
Click here: Cheeseburger
http://www.cheese-burger.net/
Celebrating the iconic cheeseburger and everything that goes with it. Check
out the cheeseburger recipes section
for some great ideas and keep an eye on the stories section for all the latest
cheeseburger news.
Click
here: Amazon.com: Baking - Cookware & Baking: Bakers & Casseroles,
Specialty Bakeware, Baking Tools & Accessories & More
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/browse/-/289668?tag2=bestcookingsites
v
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Anna
Nicole Smith's body is being flown to the Bahamas for burial Friday. If
al Qaeda terrorists really want to hurt the American people, they will
hijack that plane and crash it into Britney Spears.
v v v v v
LEMON
FISH
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
INGREDIENTS:
1lb. fish fillets of your choice
1/4 cup chicken broth
4-6 lemon slices
20 sprays of immitation butter spray
1/8 tsp. pepper
1 tbsp. dried parsley
DIRECTIONS:
Preheat oven to 450 degrees. Arrange fish in a 9x13" baking
dish. Top with remaining ingredients. Bake fish, uncovered,
for 10 minutes per inch of thickness, or until fish flakes
easily with a fork.
Yield: 3 servings
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Donate a Calling Card
through Operation Uplink. Operation Uplink is a unique program that keeps military
personnel and hospitalized veterans in touch with their families and loved ones
by providing them with a free phone card.
Using contributions from supporters like you, Operation Uplink purchases phone
cards and distributes them to servicemen
and women who are separated from those they care about. Give
Blood through the American Red Cross. Volunteer to be a
"Foster Parent" for the pet of a deployed servicemember through the Military
Pets Foster Project
or Operation
Noble Foster.
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The
Top 7 New Corporate Buzzwords
7> Scavengaring: getting to the recently departed's cube to get supplies.
6> Information white-time: When the printer needs toner.
5> Cubiticle: resizing cubicles by using ancient Egyptian measurements.
4> Brownspot: the thing on the nose of the company suck-up.
3> NutriLag: the time it takes food left over from an executive
meeting to make it into the lunchroom.
2> PC sweep: a quick search of the immediate area to ensure no
politically correct whiners nearby prior to telling a dirty joke.
and the Number 1 New Corporate Buzzword...
1> Typecasting: banging on your keyboard loud enough to make
everyone nearby think you're working.
v
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One of the girls just walked into my office and began looking
at the pictures of my children.
"These are all of them when they were young," she said. "Why
don't you get some recent pictures of them?"
"Because," I said, "I use these pictures to remind me of when
they were little and sweet. That way, when I go home I don't
kill the little bastards."
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The
Top 15 Other Ways Philip Morris Is "Working to Make a Difference"
15> Virginia Slims cigarette paper now ribbed for her pleasure.
14> Quality programming for kids provided by new "Nick-o-Teen" cable network.
13> Hiring O.J. Simpson's detectives to find "the real killers" of smokers.
12> Launching of the Chinese "Joe Panda" campaign.
11> Buying up all existing copies of "The Insider" and donating
them to deserving children from Borneo and Tibet.
10> "Marlboro Miles" can no longer be used to purchase Pokemon products.
9> For every 1,000 cartons sold, 1 carton donated to the American Cancer
Society.
8> "Benson & Hedges" brand renamed to more kid-friendly "Calvin &
Hobbes."
7> For poor people who can't afford to eat *and* smoke, free
cigarette included in Kraft Macaroni & Cheese boxes.
6> New slogan: "Cigarettes don't kill people -- GUNS kill people!"
5> Considering a campaign to keep cigarettes out of the hands of pregnant
mothers.
4> Investing millions in ad campaign: "A Big Mac?!?!? Christ, that'll
REALLY kill ya!!"
3> Raleigh's new William Morris Park paved with tar exhumed from Yul Brynner's
lungs.
2> Bribes for politicians now wrapped in 100% recycled envelopes.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Other
Way
Philip Morris Is "Working to Make a Difference"...
1> New ad campaign for 2000: "You don't have to smoke just
because all the really cool kids do."
v
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Former Congressman Bob Ney reported to a federal prison Thursday morning...
where his fellow inmates will do to him what most Congressmen have been
doing to the entire country for the last 150 years.
v
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Click here: I Love You Locket
http://www.spiritisup.com/locket.html
Click
here: boM
http://www.bookofmatches.com/presentation/womenreg.jsp?adTracker=matchdoctor
A dating site if you're interested
*submitted by*
GRANDPASAM56
Click here: Touch My
Heart
http://www.joygreetings.com/touchmyheart.htm
v
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The Kansas State Board of Education has decided
to
replace science standards that questioned the theory
of evolution and had the support of "intelligent design"
advocates. The new standards will be evolution-friendly.
Wonder what sort of thing they'll have to omit now?
The Top 13 Things No Longer Taught in Kansas Science Classes
13> Masturbation causes crotch goblins.
12> Amelia Earhart disappeared when she flew off the edge of the Earth.
11> Hurricanes always come during God's cough and cold season.
10> A big-bearded man in the clouds controls touchdown receptions.
9> An object in motion tends to stay in motion unless Jesus wants it to stop.
8> On multiple-choice tests, "'Cause the Bible tells me so" can
no longer be offered as a choice.
7> God gave humans opposable thumbs so they could hold hymnals.
6> Barney is the last of the talking dinosaurs.
5> Calculus is about the rate of change, and everyone should
resist *all* change.
4> Egyptian pyramids were built by dinosaurs, not aliens.
3> On the eighth day, God created Dale Earnhardt.
2> Two plus two equals five, because you add one to every
equation for the Holy Ghost.
and Topfive.com's Number
1 Thing No
Longer Taught in Kansas Science Classes...
1> "Welcome to Sex Ed. On your wedding night, an angel will
visit you and tell you everything you need to know about sex.
This concludes Sex Ed."
v v v v v
An
elderly couple was sitting out on the porch when the
husband turned to his wife and, "Muffin, I feel like making
love tonight."
The wife replied, "Ok Ernest, I will let you, but be gentle this time."
"But I am always gentle with you, dearest,"
"That's not true, she replied,
"the last time you woke me up TWICE!"
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The difference in golf and government is that in golf you
can't improve your lie.
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NeatNetTricks
If you're having a hard time defragging your laptop hard drive in Windows XP,
and you use the hibernation
feature, you might want to delete the Hiberfil.sys file. That's
where Windows XP writes all memory content before
shutting down the system so that the computer can resume where you left off
when you turn your computer back
on. Unfortunately, the often large Hiberfil.sys file remains on the hard
drive and the Disk Defragmenter cannot
defragment it, thus a thorough defragmenting operation is unattainable.
To remove the Hiberfil.sys file from
your hard disk, access the Control Panel, double-click on Power Options, select
the Hibernate tab in the Power
Options Properties dialog box, clear the Enable Hibernation check box, and click
OK. This deletes the Hiberfil.sys file
from the hard disk. After you have completed the defrag operation, you can
reenable the Hibernation feature if you wish.
v
v v v v
The
International Air Transport Association wants all airlines to eliminate
paper tickers by the end of this year. Maybe that will stop angry travelers
from using them to slap JetBlue attendants across the face.
v v v v v
Tennessee
Professional Engineering Exam
1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon
tree that will support a 10 pound possum.
2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest
when placed on blocks in your front yard? A.66 Ford
Fairlane: B. 69 Chevrolet Chevelle: C.64 Pontiac GTO
3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity
of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators
are necessary to condense the product?
4. A pulpwood cutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700
rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be
harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in
size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many
Budweiser Tallboys will it take to cut the trees?
5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge
of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in
the ozone layer?
6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch
centers with a Field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet
and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1
inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many
hound dogs will be killed?
7. A man owns a house south of Beckley and 3.7 acres of
land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man
has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile
home on the man's land?
8. A 2-ton coal truck is overloaded and proceeding 900
yards down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph.
The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of
secondary roads, what are the chances that it will
strike a vehicle that has a muffler?
9. A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2
Hazardous Area. The Mine employs 120 miners per shift. A
gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How
many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during
the shift?
10. At a reduction in gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per
generation, how long will it take a town that has been
bypassed by the interstate to breed a country western singer?
v v v v v
v v v v v
First
Date
If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're sitting
down when you read it. This is probably the funniest date story ever,
first date or not!! We have all had bad dates... but this takes the cake...
Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing
first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first
date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale
took the prize!
She said it was midwinter... Snowing and quite cold... and the
guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah.
It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and
truly had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively
uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.
They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually
began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They
were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle
of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did
for a while.
Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there
came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go
beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car. They stopped
and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and
started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her
butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.
Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic
and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she
could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather
embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon
became aware of another sensation.
As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her
buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender.
Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as
she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly
apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.
Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment,
she answered her date's concerns about "what is taking so long" with
a
reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and in need of some
assistance!"
He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her
sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out
laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to
compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma.
Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were
faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to
free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!
Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the
first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get
her free.
So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to
unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender. As the audience
screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down... Or
perhaps that should be "pants down." And you thought your first date
was
embarrassing!
Jay Leno's comment... " This gives a whole new meaning to 'Being
pissed off!' "
v v v v v
*submitted by*
DeVulcano
Click
here: ~* My Special Internet Friend *~ Brought to you by Creations From The
Heart . Biz
http://www.creationsfromtheheart.biz/myspecialinternetfriendjrg.html
Click here: Friends
Forever?
http://www.egreetingsetc.com/2003/g/20d/index.shtml
Click here: Friends are
like Angels
http://www.spiritisup.com/friendsangel.html
v
v v v v
My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change his address
from Texas to Vermont.
The woman who took the call asked where Vermont was.
As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, "Look, I'm not stupid or anything,
but what state is it in?"
v v v v v
*submitted
by*
M Dubya M
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery
people would stop dying.
Rodney Dangerfield
v v v v v
OLDIE BUT GOODIE!!
A sixty year old man walks into a big drug store and walks up to the girl at
checkout #3.
He asks her, "Do you guys have condoms here?"
She says "Sure. What size are you?"
"I don't know" he replies.
"Well, just let me check" the cashier says. She unzips his pants, takes a feel,
and then she says over the intercom,
"EXTRA LARGE CONDOMS TO AISLE 3 PLEASE. EXTRA LARGE CONDOMS TO AISLE 3."
They bring the condoms and the man pays for them and leaves.
Then, a thirty year old man walks into the store and up to checkout #3. He asks
the girl, "Do you sell condoms here?"
The cashier replies, "Sure, but what size do you need?"
He says "Well, I don't know."
She says "Just let me check here." She unzips his pants, takes a couple of tugs
and then says over the intercom,
"LARGE CONDOMS TO AISLE 3 PLEASE. LARGE CONDOMS TO AISLE 3."
They bring the condoms and the man pays for them and leaves.
Seeing this, a fifteen year old boy who hopes to get lucky goes up to the girl
at checkout #3
and asks sheepishly, "Um, ah, do you guys sell any condoms here?"
"Yep" she says. "What size do you need?"
"I don't know" he says.
She unzips his zipper for a feel, pauses and says over the intercom, "CLEAN
UP IN AISLE 3 PLEASE. CLEAN UP IN AISLE
v v v v v
Click
here: GameNow (exe), from BigPower Software - Free Downloads on
ZDNet | Shareware, Trialware, Evaluation Software
http://downloads.zdnet.com/download.aspx?&kw=games&docid=252817
GameNow is a funny game tool with a collection of over 1000 addicting pc games,
flash games. You can play action
games, sport games, adventure games, arcade games, skill games, shooting games,
board games, puzzle games,
casino games, even multiplayer games on your pc. It includes live updates as
new games
added to the database. GameNow is a better way to play games.
Click here:
PGP Corporation - Products - PGP Whole Disk Encryption
http://www.pgp.com/products/wholediskencryption/index.html
How to Secure Files on Your Hard Drive
Contributing Editor Andrew Brandt
If you keep valuable files on your laptop, you probably know that you
ought to protect your data. But knowing you should do something isn't
the same as actually doing it, as evidenced by the steady stream of
incidents where sensitive information gets lost or stolen from corporate laptops.
The tasks of installing and running encryption software have not
always been easy. But I gave a couple of new tools a try recently, and
they make encryption simpler than it has ever been.
Click
here: Cookie Viewer
http://www.pablosoftwaresolutions.com/html/cookie_viewer.html
Cookies provide websites with a mechanism to store and retrieve state information
on your computer. This
mechanism allows Web-based applications the ability to store information about
selected items,
user preferences, registration information, and other information that can be
retrieved later.
Cookies are small text files stored on the hard disk of your computer.
This utility shows you what kind of information web sites have stored on your
computer.
It can also delete, backup and restore cookies and has a simple Find option.
Click
here: Active Desktop Calendar - Free Software Downloads and Software Reviews
- Download.com
http://www.download.com/Active-Desktop-Calendar/3000-2074_4-10598174.html?tag=lst-0-7
This fully customizable calendar with notes, tasks, alarms and contacts provides
seamless integration and
interactivity with the desktop background. You can organize your data in layers
and share them with other people
on a local network. The program can integrate with Outlook to show its appointments
and tasks on the desktop.
Direct connection with Google calendars and Web-based ICS files is also available.
There are options for
changing calendar icons, fonts, colors and type: one, two or three months displayed
on the desktop.
v
v v v v
As a high school football coach, I'm aware that student athletes
tend to focus too much on sports.Bob, a fellow coach, was talking
about one such player, who called him at home one night.
When his wife informed the kid that Bob wasn't home, he became
frantic and said he had to speak to the coach right away.
"Just calm down, and I'll have him call you as soon as he gets
home," the coach's wife told him. "What's your number?"
The flustered kid replied,
"Three."
v
v v v v
Black
Magic Cake
1 3/4 cups All purpose flour ; unbleached, sifted
2 cups Sugar
3/4 cup Cocoa ; baking
2 teaspoons Baking Soda
1 teaspoon Baking Powder
1 teaspoon Salt
2 large Eggs
1/2 cup Vegetable Oil
1 cup Coffee ; black, strong
1 cup Buttermilk
1 teaspoon Vanilla Extract
~~ HUNDRED DOLLAR FROSTING ~~
1/4 cup Butter ; or regular margarine
3 ounces Semisweet chocolate
1 large Egg
1 tablespoon Vanilla
1 tablespoon Lemon Juice
1 cup Walnuts ; chopped
Sift together flour, sugar, cocoa, baking soda, baking powder, and salt in a
mixing bowl. Add eggs, oil, coffee,
buttermilk and vanilla. Beat with an electric mixer set at medium speed for
3 minutes. Pour batter into greased 13x9
inch baking pan. Bake in preheated 350 degree oven for 40 minutes or until the
cake tests done.
Cool in pan on rack. Frost with Hundred Dollar Frosting. Cut into squares.
HUNDRED DOLLAR FROSTING: Combine butter and semisweet choclolate in a double
boiler top. Place
over hot water, stirring until melted. Remove and cool well. Add egg and stir
vigorously. Stir in confectioners sugar,
vanilla and lemon juice. Beat until smooth. Stir in walnuts and frost cake with
icing.
v
v v v v
v v v v v
Ten
MORE Simple Ways to Enjoy a Visit to the Mall
10) Wear pancake makeup and new clothes, then pose as a fashion dummy
in Macys.
9) Begin constructing a new porch deck in the tool department of Sears.
8) Ask a salesperson in the hardware department how well a particular
saw cuts through bone.
7) Ask a Sears salesman why a particular TV is labeled "black-and-
white television" and insist that it's a color set. When he
disagrees, give him a strange look and say, "You mean you really
can't see it?"
6) Test mattresses in your pajamas. If anyone asks you what you're
doing, reply, "Shhhh! Be quiet. I'm trying to sleep!"
5) Stare intently into a surveillance camera for an hour while
rocking from side to side.
4) Make unusual requests at the Piercing Pagoda.
3) Stare at static on a display TV and challenge other shoppers
whether they, too, can see the "hidden picture".
2) Sprint up the down escalator.
And the simplest way to enjoy a visit to the mall...
1) In the changing room area, announce in a singsong voice, "I see
London, I see France..."
v v v v v
Click
here: New and used car prices, buying guides, auto reviews, care care information
by autoMedia
http://www.automedia.com/channel/autoCare/General_Tips/Advice
If everything on TV were true, then keeping a vehicle running great, looking
good, and lasting a long time
would be the easiest thing ever. Advertising will tell us over and over that
all we really need to do to keep
that car or truck running forever and looking brand new for years is to pour
some bottles of miracle liquid
into the crankcase, sprinkle magic dust on the paint, or spray some sort of
ionized
wonder water on the interior.
Unfortunately this is not the case.
v
v v v v
"Boat
Names"
A boating magazine ran a contest for clever boat names.
The following names reeled in the honors:
Brace Yourself (owned by an orthodontist)
Sir Osis of the River
Aqua Seltzer
Out to Launch
Watertight Alibi (owned by a lawyer)
Meals on Reels
The Merri Yot
and, from a landscape contractor, Yard Buoy.
v v v v v
*submitted by*
BillieJo50
Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in this country lately; illegal
immigration, hurricane
recovery, wild animals attacking humans in Florida.
Not me. I concentrate on solutions to problems. The result is a win-win-win
situation:
+ Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border
+ Use the dirt to raise the levies in New Orleans
+ Put the Florida alligators in the moat.
Any other problems you would like for me to solve today?
v v v v v
v
v v v v
*submitted by*
BADVETTE87
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun
in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other.
He says to the waiter:
"Want coffee."
The, waiter says"Sure, Chief. Coming right up."
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp,
turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun,
causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere
and then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns.
He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling
another male buffalo with the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to
the waiter
"Want coffee." The waiter says "Whoa, Tonto!
We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday.
What was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says .
"Training for position in United States Congress:
Come in, drink coffee, shoot bull,
leave mess for others to clean up,
disappear for rest of day.
v v v v v
Ever mindful of the congregation, the Baptist preacher and his wife decided
to get a new dog, and knew that the
dog also had to be a Baptist. They visited kennel after kennel and explained
their needs. Finally, they found a kennel
whose owner assured them he had just the dog they wanted. The owner
brought the dog to meet the pastor and his wife.
"Fetch the Bible," he commanded. The dog bounded to the bookshelf, scrutinized
the
books, located the Bible, and brought it to the owner.
"Now find Psalm 23," he commanded. The dog dropped the Bible to the floor, and
showing marvelous dexterity with
his paws, leafed through and finding the correct passage, pointed to it with
his paw.
The pastor and his wife were very impressed and purchased the dog.
That evening, a group of church members came to visit. The pastor and his wife
began to show off the dog,
having him locate several Bible verses. The visitors were very impressed.
One man asked, "Can he do regular dog tricks, too?"
"I haven't tried yet," the pastor replied. He pointed his finger at the dog.
"HEEL!" the pastor commanded. The dog
immediately jumped on a chair, placed one paw on the pastor's forehead and began
to howl.
The pastor looked at his wife in shock and said, "Good Lord, he's Pentecostal!"
v v v v v
Click here: Classic Rock Events
To Watch For In 2007
http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/%5B8T
If one of you would be so kind as to hand me that crystal ball over there, we'll
do a bit of future gazing and
see what 2007 holds in store. I'll leave the predictions to the yapping heads
on the cable news networks, and
concentrate on the nearly certain new albums, tours, and other projects involving
classic rock artists in the coming year.
Click here: Pipe
Organ Music - Eugene Hayek
http://www.organmusicians.com/view.asp?id=edonmusic
If you like pipe organ music, you might like this
v
v v v v
The Top 7 Differences if the Wedding Industry Were Run by Pigs
7> Kosher ceremonies pretty much shot to hell.
6> "Cocktails Followed by Buffet Trough."
5> Most couples register at Mud Bath & Beyond.
4> Wedding chapels come in your choice of straw, sticks or bricks.
3> You heard it right; he said "Till death do us pork".
2> Traditional wedding march replaced by the theme song from "Green Acres".
and the Number 1 Difference
if the
Wedding Industry Were
Run by Pigs...
1> Something old, something new, something borrowed, something edible.
v
v v v v
*submitted
by*
BADVETTE87
A husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage. The
counselor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a tirade,
listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been
married. She goes on and on and on.
Finally, the counselor gets up, walks around the desk, embraces the wife
and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze.
The counselor turns to the husband and says, "This is what your wife
needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"
The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can drop her off
here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."
v v v v v
Click here: Mercury in Fish: Does
Eating Seafood Help or Harm Your Health?
http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/ZTo
The next time you start to order a tuna sandwich for lunch or a swordfish steak
as your dinner entrée, give some
thought to a research study by the Chicago Tribune and Rutgers University,
which shows that
commercial seafood contains much higher levels of mercury than most people suspect.
Mercury is a highly toxic heavy metal that can damage the central nervous system
of children and unborn
fetuses, slowing development of walking and talking and decreasing memory and
attention span. Adults may experience
headaches, fatigue, lack of concentration, and numbness in their hands and feet.
According to the
newspaper, some studies suggest that men may face an increased risk of heart
attack.
Click
here: Would You Go Vegan if Your Heart Depended on It? -- ThirdAge
http://www.thirdage.com/news/articles/ALT02/06/10/16/ALT02061016-01.html
Do you hate the thought of going without meat in your diet? Consuming less meat
is good for the heart, but
convincing your brain to go along with the decision is much more difficult.
Several studies have shown the
positive link between plant-based eating and good health. Reducing the amount
of meat in your diet can lower incidence
of heart disease, high blood pressure, diabetes and some forms of cancer. A
vegan diet is primarily plant-based
foods such as fruits, whole grains, legumes, nuts, seeds and vegetables. A vegan
diet contains less cholesterol and
fat but includes more fiber. However, it doesn't mean you have to eat a
steady diet of tree bark or seeds found in the wilderness.
v
v v v v
Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music
comes out of a bagpipe.
v
v v v v
*submitted by*
WaltWiso
A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that
moment, a bee flew in his window.
The bee said, "What seems to be the problem?"
"I'm out of gas."
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes
later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and
into his
gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.
"Try it now," said one bee.
The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up.
"Wow!" the man exclaimed. "What did you put in my gas tank"?
The bee answered, "BP."
v v v v v
SPICY
SHRIMP BAKE
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
INGREDIENTS:
1 cup butter or margarine, melted
3/4 cup lemon juice
3/4 cup Worcestershire sauce
1 tablespoon salt
1 tablespoon coarsely ground pepper
1 teaspoon dried rosemary
1/8 teaspoon ground red pepper
1 tablespoon hot sauce
3 garlic cloves, minced
2 1/2 pounds unpeeled large or jumbo shrimp
2 lemons, thinly sliced
1 medium onion, thinly sliced
fresh rosemary sprigs
DIRECTIONS:
Combine first 9 ingredients in a small bowl; set aside.
Rinse shrimp with cold water; drain well. Layer shrimp,
lemon slices, and onion slices in an ungreased 13x9x2-inch
baking dish. Pour butter mixture over shrimp. Bake
uncovered, at 400 for 20 to 25 minutes or until shrimp turn
pink, basting occasionally with pan juices. Garnish with fresh
rosemary sprigs.
YIELD: 6 SERVINGS
v v v v v
Click here:
ASPCA: News Alert: This Week's News Alert#1
http://www.aspca.org/site/PageServer?pagename=media_newsalert110306&JServSessionIdr009=t39lpbyro1.app25b#1
Thinking of giving Polly a little something extra with her cracker? While there
are a few foods that both humans
and pets can enjoy, there are others that, while perfectly safe and healthy
for people, can be dangerous to our animal
companions. "Avocado leaves, fruit, seeds and bark contain a toxic principle
known as persin,” says Dana Farbman,
CVT, of the ASPCA Animal Poison Control Center (APCC). “The Guatemalan variety,
which is
the most common variety found in stores, appears to be the most problematic.”
The primary concern in dogs is with gastrointestinal irritation, including vomiting
and diarrhea. Typically, these effects
are seen in dogs who have scavenged on significant quantities of fruit or branches.
Birds and rodents appear
to be particularly sensitive to avocado, and ingestion can result in respiratory
distress, congestion, fluid accumulation
around the heart and even death. For additional information, please visit ASPCA
online. If you suspect that your
animal companion has eaten avocado—or any other potentially dangerous substance—call
your veterinarian or the
APCC's emergency hotline at (888) 426-4435 for round-the-clock telephone
assistance. For more information on poison prevention, visit APCC
online.
Click here: Pet Peek™ - The Window For Your
Fence
http://www.petpeek.info/
Very cool idea for your pets!
EMERGENCY!
If you are ever driven from your home during an emergency -- be it a flood,
a fire, or gale
force winds -- be prepared with a Fido-friendly plan.
Don't rely on shelters to accept your furry companion -- most only allow service
dogs. Have another option
at the ready. Ask friends and family members ahead of time if their homes would
be available to you, and research
pet-friendly hotels in outlying areas. Store a list of potential hosts with
your emergency supplies. And to ensure
your pooch is prepared for uncertain times, get him microchipped and invest
in extra training. Obedient
dogs are better at handling stress and following commands when under duress.
v
v v v v
The
Pentagon once did a study on why so many American Servicemen
marry women in the countries where they're stationed. Contrary
to popular belief, loneliness had nothing to do with it. Once the
men rotated back to the US, all their in-laws were thousands of
miles away.
v v v v v
"Doctor,
that rectal exam hurt like hell. What did you do?"
"I used two fingers."
"What for?"
"I needed a second opinion."
v v v v v
Caulking
Exterior Cracks
If you think only the bathroom and kitchen need caulking, think
again. Use that caulk gun everywhere, inside and out. Insert this
practical compound in the joints around windows, doors, vents,
between the foundation and building, and around chimneys and roof
vents. You should seal all joints and cracks.
Caulking cuts down on use of expensive utilities like electricity
and fuel; barricades cold air, wind, moisture; keeps heated and
cooled air from leaking out; and keeps most bugs out. Even after
your house is sealed, be vigilant and inspect the joints once a
year. As caulking dries, it shrinks, cracks, and falls out. It
may take a couple years, but eventually you'll have to go around
the house all over again. When you do, remove the cracked pieces
and fill in the holes with fresh caulk.
For more information like this, get a copy of How to Fix
Everything For Dummies
[ http://www.dummies.com/WileyCDA/DummiesTitle/productCd-0764572091.html?cid=etipBookLink
],
by Gary and Peg Hedstrom and Judy OndrlaTremore.
v
v v v v
A young camper at summer camp asked the chaplain if
"hard on" was hyphenated.
The chaplain replies, "What in heaven's name are you
writing home about!"
The young boy says, "I'm telling Mom and Dad about the
project we worked so 'hard on'."
v
v v v v
There was a blonde driving down the center of the road at 100 mph. A
police officer pulled her over to the side of the road. When she had
stopped, the officer asked, "License and Registration please."
"It's okay, Officer, I have a special license that allows me to do
this," she said smiling.
"That's impossible!" The officer replied, "I've never heard of such a license."
To which the driver reached into her purse and handed him her license.
Astonished, the Officer said, "Just as I suspected. This is an
ordinary license, I see nothing here that would allow you special
consideration."
She pointed to the bottom of the license and said, "Can you see this??
It says so right here: 'Tear Along The Dotted Line'."
v
v v v v
v
v v v v
Before going on vacation, I went to a tanning salon. I was under
the lights so long that the protective shades I wore left a big
white circle around each eye. Gazing at myself in the mirror the
next day, I thought, "Man, I look like a clown."
I had almost convinced myself that I was overreacting until I got
in line at the grocery store. I felt a tug at my shirt and looked
down to see a toddler staring up at me. He asked, "Are you giving
out balloons?"
v
v v v v
There was a woman who spent some months serving God in Kenya. On her
final visit to a remote township she attended a medical clinic. As
the Maasai women there began to sing together, she found herself
deeply moved by their hauntingly beautiful harmonies. She wanted
to always remember this moment and try to share it with friends
when she arrived home.
With tears flowing down her cheeks, she turned to her friend and
asked, "Can you please tell me the translation of the words to this song?"
Her friend looked at her an solemnly replied, "If you boil the
water, you won't get dysentery."
v
v v v v
A recent study found that 35% of men have been injured while
undoing a woman's bra. That's correct. While unfastening a woman's
stabilizing devise, men have received strained tendons, scratches,
and other similar injuries.
Actually, I can vouch for that.
I got injured today while trying to undo a woman's bra. When I
undid the woman in front of me in the checkout line, she turned
and hit me with a can of peas.
v
v v v v
Click here: Tips for Bringing Outdoor
Plants Indoors - Overwintering Tender Plants
http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/ZR0
Whether you set your house plants out last spring, for a summer vacation, or
you got carried away with container
gardening until pots competed with the cat for every sunny nook of patio space,
the cool night temperatures
mean it's time to think about bringing tender plants back indoors. Chances are
you have even less sunny nooks
inside, so you will have to decide what's worth keeping and how to care for
them.
Click
here: Books-Media-rewardpath
http://www.books-media-rewardpath.com/rd_p?p=113082&t=3077&c=449246&gift=11174&a=11174-garden%20plants
Free hardcover book - Gardening from A to Z
Click
here: In My Kitchen Garden
http://clk.about.com/?zi=18/1Ma&sdn=gardening&cdn=homegarden&tm=5&gps=85_82_1193_850&f=00
&su=p675.104.140.ip_p284.5.420.ip_&tt=2&bt=1&bts=1&zu=http%3A//inmykitchengarden.com/
An Offshoot Of FarmgirlFare.com, My Food & Farm Blog
Welcome to my garden! I am terrible about keeping gardening records.
I'm hoping this informal, journal-type blog will inspire me to better document
what
transpires each season inside my garden gate.
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Pleased to qualify finally for medical insurance through my
employer, I ripped open the envelope that contained my new benefit
card. It was quite a shock to see that they had misspelled my
first name, Graeme Stone.
They had issued my card to "Grave Stone."
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Despite his best sales pitch, a life-insurance salesman was unable
to get a couple to sign up for a policy. "I certainly don't want to
frighten you into a decision," he announced, standing up to leave.
"Please sleep on it tonight, and if you wake up in the morning,
let me know what you think."
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Turn
off the Clipboard Toolbar in Office 2000 and Office XP
annoyances.org
If you copy something to the clipboard twice in any part of Microsoft Office
2000 or XP, a tiny "Clipboard" toolbar
will appear. This toolbar, which covers your work and requires that you stop
what you're doing to close it or get it
out of the way, is not only annoying, but impossible to turn off. Unfortunately,
Microsoft has neglected to provide a
"don't show this again" option. The purpose of the Clipboard toolbar is to allow
you to store up to a dozen items
in the clipboard, but if you didn't specifically intend to use this feature,
the little toolbar
just gets in the way. Here's how to turn it off for good. Office 2000:
Run the Registry Editor
(REGEDIT.EXE).
Expand the branches to HKEY_CURRENT_USER\ Software\ Microsoft\ Office\ 9.0\
Common\ General. If any
of these branches aren't there, just create them - one by one - by selecting
New and then Key from the Edit menu.
Once you've highlighted the General key, select New and then DWORD
Value from the Edit menu. As the name of this new key, type AcbControl.
Double-click on the new value, select Decimal, type 1 in the Value
Data field, and click Ok when you're done. This change should
take effect immediately. Note: supposedly, Office 2000 should automatically
disable the clipboard toolbar automatically if you
close said toolbar three times in succession. However, this is sortof a hassle,
and doesn't seem to work reliably.
The above is really the quickest and most direct solution.
Office XP: Open an Office application, and select Options from
the Tools menu.
Choose the Edit tab and turn off the Show Paste Options buttons
and Show Insert Options buttons options.
Click Ok when you're done.
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"The method preferred by most balding men for making themselves
look silly is called the 'comb-over,' which is when the man grows
the hair on one side of his head very long and combs it across the
bald area, creating an effect that looks...from the top...like an
egg in the grasp of a large tropical spider."
Dave Barry
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Billy Bob Thornton's new movie,
"The Astronaut Farmer", comes out today.
But that's not what this list is about.
The
Top 9 Movies About the Spurned Woman Astronaut
9> Bad Flightplan
8> So I Dated a NASA Axe Murderer
7> Moronned
6> Dial 'A' For Crazy
5> One Orbits Over the Cuckoo's Nest
4> Kill Bill's Flight Commander
3> Multiple Sunsets Blvd.
2> Earth Girls Are Unstable
and the Number 1 Movie About the Spurned Woman Astronaut...
1> Diaper of a Mad White Woman
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New
BMW Owner:
Congratulations on the purchase of your new automobile! We're sure
that it will provide you with the utmost in driving pleasure and
lifestyle enhancement.
However, we must inform you that there are certain minimum
requirements that a BMW customer must meet in order to retain
ownership of his or her vehicle. Specifically, as a first time
owner, you must take and pass the following classes, offered by
your local BMW dealer:
* ARR 101 -- Arrogance A six week course explaining the details
of driving habits, posture, clothing, and other details that all
lead to the arrogant appearance and demeanor that all BMW owners
must present. $800/person
* AGG 101 -- Aggressiveness Six weeks of hands-on experience in
tailgating, rapid unsignaled lane changes, speeding, and hard
breaking. When you complete this course you'll be able to merge
your car into the tiniest available spot on the freeway and cause
everyone around you to know a BMW just entered the road, even if
they couldn't see you at the time. $1000/person
* BUD 101 -- Budgeting To Make Your Car Payment Twelve
weeks. $1500/person
If this is a second (or later) BMW, then our requirements include:
* ARR 102 -- Arrogance Refresher Three weeks of refresher course
on arrogance. $650/person
* AGG 102 -- Aggressiveness Refresher Three weeks of refresher
course on aggressiveness. $850/person
* BUD 102 -- Additional Budgeting Skills 12 weeks. This course
covers additional budgeting skills including: * How to buy your
teenage child his or her first BMW and still make the payment on
your own. * The home equity loan -- your friend. * Selling your
house to pay for your car -- you can do it. * Paying for your
BMW owner training classes -- yes, you have to. $1500/person
These classes must be completed successfully during your first 3
months of ownership, or we will be forced to repossess your car.
In addition, we offer other classes that you may be interested in
taking. These include:
* LIF 101 -- Living Where Other BMW Owners Live How to find
those neighborhoods where your fellow BMW owners already live.
Two weeks. $500/person
* MAI 101 -- BMW Maintenance Four weeks. Basic training in how to
open your wallet to pay BMW mechanics five times the going hourly
rate to fix your car when it breaks. $750/person
* MAI 201 -- Advanced BMW Maintenance Eight weeks. Admission to
this class requires instructor approval. Hypno-therapy to ease
the process of opening the wallet of really tough customers.
Please contact your BMW dealer to enroll in your required classes,
and in any of the voluntary classes that appeal to you.
Once again, we appreciate your business and look forward to taking
your money. Happy Driving!
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Click here: ~AIKEN DRUM'S~
* a laugh a day *
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/245.html
Not having a good day
Click here: ~AIKEN DRUM'S~
* a laugh a day *
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/556.html
Ya think?!?
Click
here: http://img502.imageshack.us/img502/8610/mooninggrans1jy.swf
http://img502.imageshack.us/img502/8610/mooninggrans1jy.swf
Yikes
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DIAMOND
SPINACH PUFFS
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
INGREDIENTS:
1 package (10 ounces) frozen chopped spinach, thawed & drained
1/2 cup carrots, finely chopped
1 tablespoon onion, finely chopped
1/2 cup mayonnaise
1/4 teaspoon ground nutmeg
1/4 teaspoon salt
4 ounces Swiss cheese, shredded
(1 cup) 1 package frozen puff pastry sheets, thawed
1 egg, lightly beaten
1 tablespoon water
DIRECTIONS:
Preheat oven to 425 degrees. Cover 12x15" Rectangle baking sheet.
Place drained spinch on paper towels and press to remove excess
moisture. Chop carrots. Place carrots, onion, mayonnaise and
seasonings in large mixing bowl. Add cheese into bowl and mix
well. Lightly sprinkle counter or other surface with flour to
roll out pastry. Roll out one pastry sheet into a 12-inch square.
(Do not seperate squares.) Using a tablespoon, place a scant scoop
spinach mixture in center of each square. Flatten slightly with
back of spoon. Combine egg and water. Brush egg mixture over cut
lines in pastry and around outside edge of large square. For each
appetizer, bring two opposite corners of each square up and over
filling, pinch together firmly and twist. Place on Baking sheet.
Brush appetizers with egg mixture. Brush appetizers with egg
mixture. Bake 17-18 minutes or until golden brown. Remove to
serving platter using a small Spatula. Repeat with remaining
pastry sheet and spinach mixture. Serve warm.
(Cook's Tip)
The spinach mixture can be made ahead of time and refri- gerated,
but assemble and bake the puffs just before serving.
Yield: 32 Servings
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Hey,
you know what's fun to do if the game's a little slow?
I like to look at the quarterback and then try to figure out which
one will be the big, fat, bald announcer in five years.
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Click here: Do Penis Pumps Enlarge
Your Penis - Can Penis Pumps Work to Increase Penis Size
http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/%5BP3
Thankfully, this question, which is one I received 43 times in my first year
as a guide (not from the same person)
is one of the easier sex questions to answer. And of course the answer is yes...and
no.
Click
here: Haste Makes Waste
http://clk.about.com/?zi=18/1R4/Wa&sdn=divorcesupport&cdn=people&tm=7&gps=107_130_1193_850&f=00&
tt=14&bt=0&bts=0&zu=http%3A//divorcesupport.about.com/od/hisissues/a/menhastewaste.htm
friend plans to remarry. You have mixed feelings. You want to question
the decision but hold back because you feel
it is none of your business. You want to be enthusiatic but something deep down
in your gut screams that something
is just not right. With over 50 percent of marriages ending in divorce and others
ending by the early death of a spouse, many
people who never planned on looking for another partner find themselves doing
just that.
They are disoriented, confused, and lonely.
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"Today President Bush met with Palestinian President Abbas.
There was one embarrassing moment when he said to Abbas, 'I loved
your song, Dancing Queen.'"
Jay Leno
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When my Navy Medical Reserve Unit was called up for Operation
Desert Storm, I was awakened by a phone call at three o'clock on
a Sunday morning with the order to report for duty in four hours
for processing.
After I hung up the phone, my husband groggily asked, "Who was that?"
"Oh, honey," I moaned, thinking of our 15-month-old child, "I
have to go to war!" "Don't worry," he said as he rolled over,
"It's Sunday, and the traffic won't be bad."
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Click
here: His Moan Zones
http://magazines.ivillage.com/cosmopolitan/men/moan/spc/0,,284399_292049,00.html
Want to make him moan? You just might learn something here
Click
here: Understanding Men: The Opposite Sex - iVillage
http://love.ivillage.com/lnsunderstandmen/topics/0,,4thh,00.html
Mars, Venus -- who cares where we're from. We're all on Earth now, and it sure
would be nice to connect
with each other, right? If you've ever felt mystified by men, you're in the
right place
Click
here: Welcome to Lady Primrose's
http://www.ladyprimrose.com/TTStore/prod.asp?ItemType=Tryst
Tryst - a secret encounter - an agreement to meet, perhaps between lovers. Or
simply between friends. And just maybe,
it's a quiet commitment you make to yourself to take a little time for you.
Lady Primrose's Tryst is the signature fragrance
of Lady Primrose herself. It is a captivating fragrance that melds the excitement
of a secret encounter with the vibrant
romantic essence of a private garden. Each piece of the Tryst collection is
exquisitely presented, and each is
filled with memorable moments, just waiting to happen. I use the dusting
silk shaker -
it's heavenly!! I dust it on my sheets too!
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I prefer Hostess fruit pies to pop-up toaster tarts because they
don't require so much cooking
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The
Top 6 Telemarketers' Pickup Lines
6> "This isn't a solicitation, but a survey: If asked, would you
go out with me?"
5> "How do you know you're not interested when you haven't even
seen me naked?"
4> "You've got two choices: Either I call you from where I work,
or I call you from my home. You decide!"
3> "This is just a courtesy call. I'm offering you a fantastic
deal on dinner and a movie."
2> "You know, I don't need those pills I sell."
and the Number 1 Telemarketers' Pickup Line...
1> "I'm not looking for love, I'm just looking for somebody,
anybody, who doesn't hate me."
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*submitted by*
GuysBabi
Click here: YouTube
- Lock Bumping and Bump Keys
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hr23tpWX8lM&eurl
PLEASE check it out
v
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*submitted by*
BillieJo50
HA HA SCOPES
TAURUS: The Tramp
Aggressive. Freak in bed. Rare to find! Loves being in long relationships..
J Likes to give a good fight for what they
want. Extremely outgoing. Sexy as........ Loves to help people in times of need.
Outstanding kisser. Very funny. Awesome
personality. Stubborn. Sexual as......... Most caring person you will ever meet!
One of a kind. Not one to fuck with.
Are the sexiest people on earth! 15 years of bad luck if you do not repost.
VIRGO: The Virgin
Dominant in relationships. Sexy. Someone loves them right now. Freak in bed.
Always wants the last word.
Caring. Smart. Intellectual. Attractive. Loud.. Loyal. Easy to talk to. Hard
to forget Love at first sight. Everything you ever
wanted. Easy to please. The one and only. Ultimate sexiness. 7 years of bad
luck if you do not repost.
SCORPIO: The sex addict
Can be mean. EXTREMELY sexy. Intelligent. Energetic. Predict future. Most erotic.
(Freak in bed.)
(GREAT kisser.) Always get what they want. Sexy. Attractive. Easy going. Loves
being in long relationships.
Talkative. The sexiest ever....Romantic. Caring. 4 years of bad luck if you
do not repost.
LIBRA: The Lover
Very pretty. Very romantic. Nice to everyone they meet. Their Love is one of
a kind. Silly, fun and sweet.
Have own unique sexiness. Most caring person you will ever meet! Amazing n Bed..!!!
Did I say Amazing in
Bed? Not the kind of person you wanna fuck with... u might end up crying...
the most irresistible.
9 years of bad luck if you do not repost.
ARIES: The Liar
Outgoing. Lovable. Spontaneous. Not one to fuck with. Erotic. Funny. Take you
on trips to the moon in bed.
Excellent kisser EXTREMELY sexy. Loves being in long relationships. Addictive.
Loud.
Best in bed. 16 years of bad luck if you do not repost.
AQUARIUS: Does it in the water
Trustworthy. Sexy. Great kisser. One of a kind. Loves being in long-term relationships.
Extremely energetic.
Unpredictable. Will exceed your expectations. Not a Fighter, But will Knock
your lights out. Amazing in bed,
THE BEST LOVERS BETTER THAN EVERYONE! 2 years of bad luck if you do not repost.
GEMINI: Does Twosomes
Nice. Love is one of a kind. Great listeners Very Good in bed. Lover not a fighter,
but will still knock you the fuck out.
Trustworthy. Always happy. Loud. Talkative. Outgoing VERY FORGIVING. Loves to
make out. Has a beautiful smile.
Generous. Strong. ULTRA SEXY. THE MOST IRRESISTABLE. 9 years of bad luck if
you do not repost.
LEO: The Lion in bed
Great talker. Sexy and passionate. Laid back. Knows how to have fun. Is really
good at. Great kisser. Unpredictable.
Outgoing. Down to earth. Addictive. Attractive. Loud. Loves being in long relationships.
Talkative. Not
one to mess with. Rare to find. Good when found. 7 years of bad luck if you
do not repost.
CANCER: The Cutie
MOST AMAZING KISSER. Very high ### appeal. Great in bed!!! Love is one of a
kind. Very romantic. Most caring
person you will ever meet! Entirely creative. Extremely random and proud of
it. Freak in bed. Spontaneous. Great telling stories.
Not a Fighter, But will Knock your lights out if it comes down to it. Someone
you should
hold on to. 12 years of bad luck if you do not repost.
PISCES: The Piece of ass
Caring and kind. Smart. Center of attention. Too Sexy, DAMN IT. Very high ###
appeal. Has the last word.
The best to find, hardest to keep. Fun to be around. Freak in the sheets. Extremely
weird but in a good way. Super
good in bed. Good Sense of Humor!!! Thoughtful. A partner for life. Always gets
what he or she wants..
Loves to joke. Very popular. Silly, fun and sweet. 5 years of bad luck if you
do not repost.
CAPRICORN: The passionate Lover
Love to bust. Nice. Sassy. Intelligent. Sexy. Predict future. Irresistible,
awesome kisser. Loves being in long relationships.
Great talker. Always gets what he or she wants. BY FAR the BEST in BED. Very
sexy. Coolest. Loves to own Gemini's in
sports. Extremely fun. Loves to joke. Loves to be your first. So you'll never
forget. Smart.
24 years of bad luck if you do not repost.
SAGITTARIUS: The Sexy one
Spontaneous. Horny. Freak in Bed. High appeal. Rare to find. Great when found.
Loves being in long relationships.
The one. So much love to give. Not one to mess with. Very pretty. Very romantic.
Nice to everyone they meet. Their
Love is one of a kind. Silly, fun and sweet. Have own unique sexiness. Most
caring person you will ever meet! Amazing
in Bed..!!! Did I say Amazing in Bed? Not the kind of person you wanna with
you might
end up crying. 4 years of bad luck if you do not repost.
v
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Click here: Debsnewsletter
- Archives
http://www.debsnewsletter.com/archives.shtml
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*submitted by*
BADVETTE87
Little Johnny was in school. He raised his hand and the
teacher said, "What is it, Johnny?"
Johnny said, "I've got to go shit, ma'am."
The teacher replied, "Johnny don't ever talk like that in
class again, next time say number 2."
Johnny says, "Yes, ma'am."
About an hour later Johnny raises his hand again and the
teacher says, "What is it now, Johnny?"
Johnny says, "My brother has to go shit, what's his number?"
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My friend Don, a minor-league umpire, is
used to being heckled by fans.
But imagine his surprise when he was rushing
to umpire an exhibition game at Coors Field
in Denver. After a long search for a place to change clothes,
Don finally located a room with a neatly lettered sign:
"Dressing Room, Umpires Only."
As he was about to go in, however, he inspected the sign more closely.
Below the printed legend was the same message...written in Braille.
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TIP
You can run a program as a different user without logging out and back in again.
Right click the icon, select Run As… and enter
the user name and password you want to use. This only applies for that run.
The trick is particularly useful if you need to have
administrative permissions to install a program, which many require. Note that
you can have some fun by running programs
multiple times on the same system as different users, but this can have unforeseen
effects.
More Vista Questions Answered
worldstart.com
Ramachandran Kumaraswami
Have some more questions about Windows Vista? Then read here, because some of
them may be answered right here, right now!
To begin, Windows Vista includes a content protection infrastructure that is
specifically designed to help ensure that
protected commercial audiovisual content, such as newly released HD-DVD or Blu-Ray
discs, can be enjoyed on Windows
Vista PCs. In many cases, this content has policies associated with its use
that must be enforced by playback devices.
The policies associated with such content are applicable to all types of devices,
including Windows Vista PCs, computers running
non-Windows operating systems and standalone consumer electronics devices, such
as DVD players. If the policies required protections
that Windows Vista couldn't support, the content would not be able to play at
all on Windows Vista PCs. Clearly, that isn't a good
scenario for users who are looking to enjoy great next generation content experiences
on their PCs.
Okay, so here we go. If you've been wondering about the above content, the following
questions and
answers may help you understand more about Windows Vista.
Do these content protection requirements apply equally to the Consumer Electronics
industry supplied player devices, such
as an HD-DVD or Blu-Ray player? Generally, the requirements are equivalent for
all devices. For example, an HD-DVD or Blu-Ray
disc always requires HDCP protection for DVI/HDMI outputs regardless of the
type of device playing the disc. There are some cases,
such as DVD-Video, where PCs have slightly different protection requirements
than CE devices, but these differences are mainly historical
and as dictated by the licenses associated with the systems providing access
to the content (for example, CSS for DVD).
When are Windows Vista's content protection features actually used? Windows
Vista's content protection mechanisms
are only used when required by the policy associated with the content being
played. For Windows Vista experiences,
if the content does not require a particular protection, that protection mechanism
is not used.
Will the playback quality be reduced on some video output types? Image quality
constraints are only active when
required by the policy associated with the content being played and even then,
they only apply to that specific
content, not to any other content on the user's desktop. As a practical matter,
image constraints will typically result in content
being played at no worse than standard definition television resolutions. In
the case of HD optical media formats, such as
HD-DVD and Blu-Ray, the constraint requirement is 520K pixels per frame (roughly
960x540), which is still higher than the native
resolution of content distributed in the DVD-Video format. Microsoft feels that
this still yields a
great user experience, even when using a high definition screen.
Will this affect things like medical imagery applications? Image constraints
only apply to protected content being played
and not to the desktop as a whole. Therefore, the resolution of other non-protected
media,
such as medical images, will not be affected.
Do things such as HFS (Hardware Functionality Scan) affect the ability of the
open-source community to write a driver?
No. HFS uses additional chip characteristics other than those needed to write
a driver. HFS requirements should
not prevent the disclosure of all the information needed to write drivers.
Will the Windows Vista content protection board robustness recommendations increase
the cost of graphics cards
and reduce the number of build options? Everything was moving to be integrated
on the one chip anyway and this is
independent of content protection recommendations. Given that cost (particularly
chip cost) is most heavily influenced by volume, it is
actually better to avoid making things optional through the use of external
chips. It is a happy side effect that this
technology trend also reduces the number of vulnerable tracks on the board.
Will Windows Vista content protection features increase CPU resource consumption?
Yes. However, the use of additional CPU cycles
is inevitable, as the PC provides consumers with additional functionality. Windows
Vista's content protection features were developed
to carefully balance the need to provide robust protection from commercial content
while still enabling great
new experiences, such as HD-DVD and Blu-Ray playbacks.
Aren't there already output content protection features in Windows XP? Yes.
Output content protections are not new
requirements for commercial content. The CSS content protection system for DVD-video
discs requires output protections,
such as Macrovision ACP and limiting the resolution on component video outputs
to standard definition.
Windows XP has supported these requirements for some time.
Is content protection something that is tied to High Definition video? While
HD content has some unique
content protection requirements, many of the requirements apply to commercial
content generally, independent of resolution.
What about S/PDIF audio connections? Windows Vista does not require S/PDIF to
be turned off, but Windows Vista
continues to support the ability to turn it off for certain content, which is
a capability that has been present on the Windows
platform for many years. Additionally, in order to support the requirements
of some types of content, Windows Vista supports
the ability to constrain the quality of the audio component of that content.
Similar to image constraint for video, this
quality constraint only applies to the audio from content whose policy requires
the constraint, not to any other audio being
played concurrently on the system. As a practical matter, these audio restrictions
are not widely used today.
So, there you go. If you're an avid audiovisual guru, this information will
really help
you when using Windows Vista. Hope it helped you out!
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Top
7 Signs Your Pastor Needs a Vacation
7. His first words to the congregation on Sunday morning are
"All right, listen up you heathens..."
6. He falls asleep during his own sermon.
5. He shows up for Sunday service wearing Bermuda Shorts and a Tank Top.
4. Every time his pager goes off, he shouts, "Why can't they just
leave me alone?!"
3. Announces baptismal services will be at the Grand Canyon.
2. You go to his office for counseling and pour your heart out to
him and he says, "Sounds like a personal problem to me."
AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOUR PASTOR NEEDS A VACATION
1. For the past two months he has preached the same sermon every Sunday.
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"I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new
outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a
really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose."
Rita Rudner
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*submitted by*
BADVETTE87
TOP
8 MORONS OF 2006
1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked
intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package.
Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:
Police in Oakland , CA spent two hours attempting to capture a gunman who barricaded
himself inside his home.
After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man
was standing beside them
in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."
3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him
to drive to two different
automated teller machines, where the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from
his own bank accounts.
4. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in
the cash drawer.
Apparently, the amount was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked
the counter himself
for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
5. DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't
control himself during a lineup.
When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: "Give me all
your money
or I'll shoot", the man shouted, "that's not what I said!".
6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING???
A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions
are only two minutes apart".
"Is this her first child?" the doctor asked "No!" the man shouted,
"This is her husband!"
7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!
In Modesto, CA , Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank
of America branch without a weapon.
King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed
to keep his hand in his pocket.
8. THE GRAND FINALE!!!
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east
of Bakersfield, CA, some folks,
new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried,
they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot
boat to go with speed. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver
no matter how much power they applied. After
about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina,
thinking someone there may be able to tell them
what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in
perfect working condition The engine ran fine, the
out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and
pitch. So, one of the marina guys
jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water,
he was laughing so hard.
NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE.
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!
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Click
here: Up next: YouTube on cell phones / Verizon negotiating to deliver video
clips to wireless customers, television ser
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/chronicle/archive/2006/11/08/BUGT3M7LPO1.DTL&type=business
Verizon Communications and YouTube are in "advanced talks" to publish clips
from the popular online video site on cell
phones and television, according to a published report Tuesday. Such a deal
would mark a new chapter for San Bruno's
YouTube, which has already amassed millions of online users and last month agreed
to be acquired by Google for
$1.65 billion. If the Verizon deal is approved -- which could happen in weeks,
according to the report -- it would be
the first time that YouTube clips were made available specifically for cell
phones.
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*submitted by*
CHIN3917
Sunday Dinner for Italians
Italians have a $40,000 kitchen, but use the $259 stove from Sears in
the basement to cook.
There is some sort of religious statue in the hallway, living room,
bedroom, front porch and backyard.
The living room is filled with old wedding favors with poofy net bows
and stale almonds (they are too pretty to open).
A portrait of the Pope and Frank Sinatra in the dining room.
God forbid if anyone EVER attempted to eat Chef Boy-are-dee, Franco
American, Ragu, Prego or anything else in a jar or can (tomato paste is the
exception).
Meatballs are made with Pork, Veal and Beef. We are Italians, we don't
care about cholesterol.
Turkey is served on Thanksgiving, AFTER the manicotti, gnocchi, lasagna and
soup.
If anyone EVER says ES-CAROLE, slap 'em in the face -- it's SHCAROLE.
If they ever say ITALIAN WEDDING SOUP, let the idiots know that there is
no wedding, nor is there an Italian in the soup. Also, the tiny meatballs
must be made by hand.
No matter how hard you know you were going to get smacked, you still
came home from church after communion, you stuck half of a loaf of bread in
the sauce pot, snuck out a fried meatball and chowed down...you'll make up
for it next week at confession.
Sunday dinner was at 1:00. The meal went like this...
Table is set with everyday dishes...doesn't matter if they don't
match...they're clean, What more do you want?
All the utensils go on the right side of the plate, and the napkin goes
on the left. Put a clean kitchen towel at Nonna & Nonno's plate because
they won't use napkins. Homemade wine and bottles of 7up are on the table.
First course, Antipasto...change plates. Next, Macaroni (Nonna called
all spaghetti Macaroni)...change plates.
After that, Roasted Meats, Roasted Potatoes, Over-cooked Vegetables...
change plates.
THEN and only then (NEVER AT THE BEGINNING OF THE MEAL) would you eat
the salad (HOMEMADE OIL & VINEGAR DRESSING ONLY)...change plates.
Next, Fruit & Nuts - in the shell (on paper plates because you ran out
of the other ones).
Coffee with Anisette (Espresso for Nonno, "Merican" coffee for the rest)
with hard Cookies (Biscotti's) to dip in the coffee.
The kids go play...the men go to lay down.
They slept so soundly you could perform brain surgery on them without
anesthesia..the women clean the kitchen.
Getting screamed at by Mom or Nonna - half the sentence was English, the
other half Italian.
Italian mothers never threw a baseball in their life, but can nail you
in the head with a shoe thrown from the kitchen while you're in the living room.
Prom Dress that Zia Ceserina made you...$20.00 for material. Prom
hair-do from Cousin Angela...$Free. Turning around at prom to see your
entire family (including Godparents) standing in the back of the gym. .
PRICELESS!
The true Italians will love this, those of you who are married to
Italians will understand this, and those of you who are friends with
Italians will remember and will forward it to their Italian friends
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here: Cabo San Lucas forum: If you could only do 3 things in cabo?? - TripAdvisor
http://www.tripadvisor.com/News-a_to.forumtopic-a_g.152515-a_i.84-a_k.808792-a_block
.travelbuzz-a_nid.TW.20061010.B-a_uid.B9070BAF0D79B70805DC4DA793C7B612
Things to do in Cabo!
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Check out these bars and clubs when you're in Brussels
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Going to Los Angeles? Here is where to and what to do
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Coming through the door after school one day,
Little Johnny hollers out "Okay everyone in the
house, please stand advised that I, Little Johnny
have on this date made a complete fool of myself
in sex-education class by repeating stories concerning
storks as told to me by certain parties residing
in this house!"
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A pretty woman, carrying a stack of boxes from a
shopping spree, was walking down the street when all
of a sudden a strong wind lifts her skirt.
The hillbilly standing nearby just looked and smiled.
The woman snaps at him, "Well, I can see that you're
no gentleman!"
The hillbilly says, "And I can see you ain't one, neither!"
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Two stockbrokers went to lunch.
The one said to the other,
"Let's relax while we eat and talk about something other
than the market for once."
"Good idea. Let's talk about women."
"Okay... common or preferred?"
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I can't believe how crafty these spammers are.
They've even infiltrated my favorite restaurant!
Now I not only have to wade through all
those penis-enlargement e-mails at home,
but I have to put up with their offers
to "super-size it" when I go out to eat.
(Brad
Wilkerson)
My friends keep telling me I'm
"doing it" with Mary Palmer.
That's not true -- I'm too busy
masturbating to meet anyone new.
(Rowdy
Roddy)
Jack be nimble, jack be quick... else someone
might catch me jacking while standing on tip-toe
behind the ajar door to the employee lunchroom.
(Mark
D. Sabien)
My wife used to like experimenting with all kinds
of different sexual positions -- until eventually
she found one where she can see the TV.
(Bob
Van Voris)
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Dog
Property Laws:
1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my mouth, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine.
8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down,
it automatically becomes mine.
10. If it's broken, it's yours.
How dogs and men are the same:
1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
3. Both mark their territory.
4. Neither tells you what's bothering them.
5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous
6. Neither understands what you see in cats.
7. Neither does any dishes.
8. Both fart shamelessly.
9. Neither of them notices when you get your hair cut.
10. Both like dominance games.
11. Both are suspicious of the postman.
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*submitted by*
BADVETTE87
Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians,
Tennesseans
and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES."
You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.
And furthermore
HOW
TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1 She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
3. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE
INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."
5 . She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."
HOW
TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1.
He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE
FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE
DESTINATIONS."
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
5. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL
INVERSION."
6. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR
CLEAVAGE
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A sheik employed a track star to run from the palace to his harem,
which was about three miles away, to fetch one of his wives whenever he
was in the mood. The sheik would nod and the track star would take off.
This event usually took place about three times a day until the runner
died at age 36. The sheik lived to be 96. The moral of the story is,
"Sex doesn't kill you... it's the running after it that does."
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The Rage
Try
it: http://games.tucows.com/preview/314844.html
Rated: nera - Category: Windows > Games > Fighting
Version: 1.01License: DemoCost: $14.99
This is a 3D, scrolling beat-'em-up with 3D graphics and multi-player support.
Starship Ranger
Try
it: http://games.tucows.com/preview/314566.html
Rated:
nera - Category: Windows > Games > Space shooters
Version: 1.7 License: Shareware Cost: $14.95
Enemy alien aircrafts are bombing the earth and you are the last hope for the
terrestrials.
Super Gem Miner
Try
it: http://games.tucows.com/preview/314672.html
Rated: nera - Category: Windows > Games > ManPac
Version: 1.00 License: Shareware Cost: $19.95
In this maze game, the player leads Borlok the Greedy Grey Dwarf on a quest
to become the greatest,
and richest, gem miner of all time.
AlienWars The Invasion
Try
it: http://games.tucows.com/preview/314695.html
Rated: nera - Category: Windows > Games > Space shooters
Version: 1.1 Beta License: Freeware
This is a space-shooting arcade game.
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The
Top 8 "American Idol" Pickup Lines
8> "Can I tickle your vocal chords with my instrument?"
7> "Randy's Journey-lovin' mind ain't the only thing I've blown!"
6> "Of course I know how to treat a man right -- this mouth is
Clive-Davis-approved!"
5> "Bet I can make you scream and howl more than you did in your tryout."
4> "Ryan, just give it up and be my bitch already!"
3> "Let me ditch Simon and Paula and we can do it dawggy-style."
2> "If you wanna vote for me, text 'IDOLS69' to my pants."
and Topfive.com's Number 1 "American Idol" Pickup Line...
1> "Hey, Paula, I have some rum and Coke!"
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How
Dogs Are Better Than Men:
1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
2. Dogs miss you when you're gone.
3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
4. Dogs admit when they're jealous.
5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
6. Dogs do not play games with you -- except fetch (and they
never laugh at how you throw).
7. You can train a dog.
8. Dogs are easy to buy for.
9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas.
10. Dogs understand what "no" means.
11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
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By Rob Griffiths
macosxhints
Mac
OS X Hint of the Week
Over time, depending on which Dashboard widgets you use and how often
you use them, you may notice that Dashboard grows slower -- each time
you activate it, it might take a bit longer, or you may experience
delays when working with a given widget. If this is the case, the
following tip might help the situation -- but it certainly won't hurt
anything to try it.
As you work with various Dashboard widgets, the Dashboard application
caches information -- that is, it creates a local copy of various
widgets' data. So if you need to access that data again, it's
available locally, instead of requiring a trip to the Internet. These
cache files are stored in your user's Library -> Caches folder, in a
folder named DashboardClient.
So here's the tip: drag all the cache files in that folder to the
trash and empty the trash. After doing this, you'll need to restart
the Dock (as that's the program that controls Dashboard). You can do
this by using Terminal (type killall Dock) or through Activity Monitor
(in Applications -> Utilities; type dock into the search box, click
once on the Dock process, then click the Quit Process button, then the
Quit button in the resulting dialog). The Dock will restart
automatically; after it does, try loading Dashboard and see if it's
not faster for you.
I was initially quite doubtful -- cache is supposed to speed, not
slow, access to information. But after testing it on my own machines,
there's no doubt it made a difference. Since these are only cache
files, you can't hurt anything by trying. Worst case, you'll find no
change in speed, and the cache files will be recreated as needed.
If it works, and you'd like to permanently prevent Dashboard from
creating any cache files, that's quite simple to do, too. Navigate to
the DashboardClient folder, select it, then open the Get Info window
(Command-I). In the General section of the Info window, click the
Locked checkbox. That's it -- once the folder is locked, Dashboard
won't be able to write to it any more. (Obviously, to reverse this,
just open Get Info again and uncheck the Locked box.)
As I noted, this may or may not make any difference for you. My cache
folder was nearly 20MB in size, and Dashboard was notably quicker
after emptying the cache. A friend's machine, however, had only about
100KB in cache, and he saw no benefit to erasing the files.
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*submitted
by*
BADVETTE87
A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in,
he realizes it's a gay bar.
But what the heck, he says to himself, "I can
really use a drink."
When the gay waiter approaches, he says to
the cowboy, "What's the name
of your weewee?"
The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of
that, all I want is a drink."
The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't
serve you until you tell me the name of your
weewee. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the
slogan 'Just Do It,' and that guy down at the end
of the bar calls his, Snickers, because it really 'Satisfies.'"
The cowboy looks dumbfounded so the bartender
tells him he will give him a second to think it over.
So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left, who
is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?"
The man looks back and says with a smile "Timex,"
and the thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?" The
fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and
keeps on tickin!"
A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fellas on
his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity
Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?"
The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because Quality
is Job
One." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"
The guy nex t to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY, 'Like A Rock.'"
and gives a wink.
Even more shaken the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with
a
name. He exclaims, "The name of my weewee is 'SECRET.' Now give me a beer."
The bartender begins to pour the Cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asked,
"Why Secret?"
The cowboy says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH
FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN."
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*submitted by*
GRANDPASAM56
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Yikes
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Rockin' and Rollin' makes no endorsement or warranty, expressed or implied,
with regard
to featured products or services. Results may vary based on operating
systems and other variables beyond our control
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Another issue on it's way to YOU! and another one already in the making!
So meet us back
here next week, same time - same place
but remember, no matter where you are or what you are doing,
never,
ever,
EVER
forget to
keep
on rockin'
it's
a state of mind
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©1999
- 2007 - Deborah Austin - All rights reserved and held by Rockin' and
Rollin'
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