Welcome
to


  Editor:  DebsSweet
Graphic Artists:  GuysBabi, PmsZone, LuvinTheCountry, Kittykab
Children Book Editor:  Amanda260
Internet Security Editor:  Katie Scarlett




"Hey Yah"! 

Huge welcome to all the new subscribers this week AND we have a new staff member
on board!  Let me hear a round of applause for Nancy!  KITTYKAB!  yayayaya!
She's a very talented gal and we're thrilled to have her.

Ever placed a bid on EBAY and wanted to retract it?  Read about this in the
INTERNET area below

Info on the WINDOWS XP Service Pack 2 and a link to ordering the CD from
Microsoft -- for free -- and you can find this in the WINDOWS area

If you would like to SIGN UP or BE REMOVED (sure, break my heart and force me into therapy
for life!) from this mailing list, please send an email
to me, DebsSweet@aol.com and your request will be handled promptly.

Kick up your feet and put your problems behind you
cause darlin', it's time to ROCK AND ROLL!

and don't forget to buckle your seatbelts, cause it's going to be a wild ride!





"You make my blue Monday's Sunny!  ...the wide variety.....Love it all!!!  :) Nita"
ANITA0823


"One of the best (if not the best on the web - if it wasn't I would be gone)
I totally enjoy the whole thing -  our deb is quite a smart, talented lady"
WMBAAS


"Hi Deb,
Just a line to tell you that your newsletter is still the best damn
newsletter out there, as usual, nice job ........."
wasdpr75@wmconnect.com



v v v v v


A woman turned to her husband and said, "Next week is
our 30th wedding anniversary. What do you think we ought to do?"

Her husband thought carefully before giving his
answer. "Have a moment of silence?"


v v v v v


They say..."Love thy neighbor as thy self."
What am I supposed to do? Jerk him off too?


v v v v v


http://faculty.rmwc.edu/tmichalik/movies/tree.mpeg
http://faculty.rmwc.edu/tmichalik/movies/tree.mpeg
Definitely a guy thing!  Hmmm I could have put this in a myriad of
places  LOL

The Worldwide Guide to Movie Locations: Film Locations worldwide
http://www.movie-locations.com/
The "World Wide Guide to Movie Locations" can show you
where your favorite film scenes were shot

*submitted by*
WMBAAS
What's in a Name?
http://triggur.org/names/
Ouch -- that isn't exactly what I wanted to hear  LOL

Died Online.com
http://www.diedonline.com/add_email.php
Welcome to Died Online.com, the Internets first ever death notification system.
Ever wonder how your online friends would know if you died? Well, this is a question
that has haunted some people so here is a solution!


v v v v v


We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.


v v v v v


Top ten reasons why Racing is better than Sex:


10. It's socially acceptable to do it while others watch.

9. Bigger cars don't always get the most attention.

8. The phone won't ring in the middle of your race.

7. You get to use your rubber more than once.

6. You don't have to sit through dinner and a movie before you race.

5. You and the car always finish at the same time.

4. You always know where to put your hands.

3. You can drive hard, right from the start.

2. The quicker you finish, the better you are.

1. You can do it more than once in one afternoon.


v v v v v






A Friend Is A Treasure! Pass It On!
  http://dobhran.snap.com/greetings/GRchain.htm

*submitted by*
Walter88
At The Top Of My List - Friendship - BananaSkies.com - ecards,funpages,
free greetings, love, love cards, online dating servi
http://www.bananaskies.com/main.php?display=view_ecard.php&id=10102&mid=9091

2.   DebsFunPages.com , The Internet's Funniest Fun Pages To Send
To Friends, Family, and Co-workers !
http://www.debsfunpages.com/funpages/view.cfm/4528

3.   http://www.bigfatbaby.com/funpages/view.cfm/2087
http://www.bigfatbaby.com/funpages/view.cfm/2087

*submitted by*
GRANDPASAM56
<forever Friends>
http://www.angelfire.com/punk4/spunki/ForeverFriends.html

Sacred Pages
http://new.sacredpages.com/funpages/view.cfm/4730

Touch My Heart
http://www.sandysworldonline.com/touch_my_heart.html

Friends Forever More
http://www.sandysworldonline.com/G_friends_forever_more.html

Never Forget
http://www.sandysworldonline.com/gb-never_forget.html


v v v v v


What do you call a prostitute with her hand in her panties?

Self employed.


v v v v v


One night Bill brought home a dozen red roses to his wife.

"How lovely, dear," she said, "What's the occasion?"

"I want to make love to you" he said simply.

"Not tonight, dear. I have a headache."

The next night, Bill came home with a big box of chocolates and
explained that he wanted to make love with her.

"I'm awfully tired, honey" said his wife. "Not tonight."

Every night for a week Bill brought home something, but each
time his wife's answer was no. Finally he came home with six black
kittens with little red bows around their necks and handed them to his wife.

"How adorable,  Bill," she exclaimed. "But what are they for?"

"These are six little pallbearers for your dead pussy.


v v v v v


*submitted by*
Granny B 132


Glazed Beer Can Chicken


1 or more (3 to 4 pound) whole  chickens
1 can of beer per chicken
Lawry's seasoning  salt
Horseradish Jelly (orange marmalade and
horseradish) for glazing

Season chicken the night before cooking  with Lawry's and
store in the refrigerator until ready for  grilling.
When grill is ready, place opened beer can on grill. Place 
chicken on beer can. Close grill and cook at 250 degrees F
for  approximately 2 to 3 hours or until the bird reaches 185
degrees F in  the center. Glaze chicken after the first hour.
When chicken is done,  remove from grill, throw away remaining
beer and cut up chicken to  serve. Glaze again if desired.


v v v v v


Pets and animals in distress, Pets in distress, Pets and animals
http://www.petsandanimals.org/

Animal Concerns Community
http://www.animalconcerns.org/external.html?www=http%3A//www.2theadvocate.com/stories
/071904/peo_painter001.shtml&itemid=200407190714350.127365

Cat Fanciers Web Site
http://www.fanciers.com/

Ask the Vet Online Veterinarian - Dr. Larry Pet Vet - veterinary medicine advice
http://drlarrypetvet.com/
He's not going to do this out of the kindness of his heart - each question
will cost you $5.95 -- that might be a bargain considering what
office visits cost these days

Max's House Feline Medical & Behavior Database
http://maxshouse.com/Database_toc.htm

The Facts About Declawing
http://maxshouse.com/facts_about_declawing.htm
Please don't do this to your beloved pet

Tips on pet health and how to choose pet supply like a cat collar,
cat tag, cat furniture and hamster cage.
http://www.1st-guide-to-pet-health.com/


v v v v v


*submitted by*
WMBAAS


RULES FOR GOOD HOUSEKEEPING!

v v v v v


Documentation is like sex:

When it is good, it is VERY good;
and when it's bad, it's still better than nothing at all.


v v v v v



Dr. Koop-Possible Link Between Tooth Whiteners and Oral Cancer Found
http://drkoop.com/template.asp?page=newsdetail&ap=93&id=520524

Dr. Koop
http://drkoop.com/template.asp?ap=93
The latest news on birth control

Crohn's Resource
http://ads.mdchoice.com/RealMedia/ads/click_lx.cgi/www.drkoop.com/SITE/79240/P
osition3/HSN2_Remicade_RON_8_04AUG/link1.GIF/94935431

Medical Breakthroughs - Learn More About GERD
http://www.healthcentral.com/bcp/April_03/flash_content/blausenplay.asp?
page=blausen&brand=7&id=24&redir=0&ap=93


v v v v v


oldie but goodie


    I never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women
    differ so much. And I never figured out the whole Venus and Mars
    thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and
    women think with their heart. I have never figured out why the
    sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it
    hears the words "I do"

    FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into
    bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I
    don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

    I said "WHAT???!!! What was that?!"

    So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to
    hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman
    enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

    She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me
    for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

    Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep.
    The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time
    with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a
    big, big unnamed department store.

    I walked around with her while she tried on several different very
    expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told
    her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her
    new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit.
    We went to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of
    diamond earrings.

    Let me tell you, she was so excited, she must have thought I was one
    wave short of a shipwreck. She was almost nearing sexual
    satisfaction from all of the excitement.

    Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is
    all dear, lets go to the cashier."

    I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

    Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT??!!!"

    I then said "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a
    while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man
    enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

    And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I
    added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the   things I buy you?"

   Apparently I won't be having sex again until sometime after pigs
   fly over a frozen hell.


v v v v v

 
*submitted by*
WMBAAS


How to start your day with a positive attitude:


1. Create a "new folder" on your computer.

2. Name it "John Kerry".

3. Send it to the trash.

4. Empty the trash.

5. Your computer will ask you: "Do you really want to get rid of "John Kerry"?

6. Answer calmly, "Yes", and press the mouse button firmly...


v v v v v

Protecting Your PC

AOL helps keep your computer safe by automatically scanning all e-mail attachments
for known viruses. You can help by not downloading files from people you don't
know. Get all the latest updates at AOL Keyword: Virus

Blocking Junk Mail

Are you tired of spam? Here's a smart tip: Create an alternate screen name to
use specifically for web surfing or chat rooms -- a notorious source of junk mail. Set your
mail controls for this screen name to receive NO MAIL. Friends and family can still e-mail you
at your "regular" screen name. You can create screen names at AOL Keyword: Screen Names.
Don't forget to set your mail controls at AOL Keyword: Mail Controls.

An E-Mail Tip

You can write e-mails even when you're not connected to AOL. Start the AOL software
as usual, but don't type in your password. On the AOL Toolbar almost everything will be
dimmed, except for the Write Mail icon. Click on it and start writing. Take as long as you want.
When you're finished, click the Sign On button. Once connected,
click the Send button to dispatch your mail.


v v v v v


Two men are on opposite sides of the Earth. One is walking a  
tightrope. The other is getting a blow job from a 90 year old  
woman. Both get the exact same thought at the exact same time.  

What is it?  

Don't look down.  


v v v v v


The latest Kinsey Report reveals that Americans are
woefully ignorant of the basic facts of life. The
majority, for example, know where babies come from,
but fewer than 20% apparently know how they get there.
Even worse, 36% believe that bondage is something you
wrap around a cut finger.


v v v v v





Places to Go in the Desert Southwest - DesertUSA
http://www.desertusa.com/park.html

Rapids Water Park - South Florida waterslides!
http://www.rapidswaterpark.com/

Myrtle Waves Water Park
http://www.myrtlewaves.com/


v v v v v


A polish man is sitting at a bar having a few drinks when he notices a
very attractive lady sit down at the other end of the bar. The polish
guy calls the bartender over and says, "Whatever she is drinking give
her another one and tell her it's from me."

The bartender replies, "I don't think you want to do that."

"What do you mean?" yells the polish guy. "Send her the drink!"

"O.K." the bartender replies. "But I don't think it's a good idea."

"And why not?" asks the polish guy.

The bartender leans over the bar and very softly says,
"Because she's a lesbian."

"I don't care, send her the drink." says the polish guy.

So after the lady gets her drink the polish guy very casually strolls
down to the other end of the bar and sits down next to her.
"Thanks for the drink," says the lady. "But I'm a Lesbian.

"Yeah, I heard," he smoothly replies.

"So what part of Lesbia are you from?"


v v v v v







Chris Free Software Cleaner
http://www.pcworld.com/downloads/file_description/0,fid,17780,00.asp
Is it time to sweep away the dusty, unused software eating up your valuable
hard drive space? Chris Free Software Cleaner displays the amount of space that each
type of file is using on your hard disk, so that you can figure out what to do with them.
You can view your files as a pie graph or list, and you can sort them by name, installation
date, directory size, and the like. This application can also uninstall programs

Trojan Remover 6.2.8
http://www.majorgeeks.com/download903.html
Trojan Remover was written to aid in the removal of Trojan Horses from a computer
where standard anti-virus software has either failed to detect the Trojan Horse or is unable
to effectively eliminate it. In no way should it be considered as an alternative
to regularly using good anti-virus software to protect your computer.

Hot Rod Cars Screensaver - ZDNet Downloads
http://downloads-zdnet.com.com/Hot-Rod-Cars-Screensaver/3000-2405-10289260.html?tag=lst-0-1
The free Hot Rod Cars Scenic Reflections Screensaver displays 75 high-quality
images of some of the most awesome hot rods you may ever feast your eyes on. This
screensaver features four beautiful, full-length, CD-quality musical compositions performed by Cynthia
Jordan. All Scenic Reflections Screensavers also offer desktop wallpaper support so you
can make any of our screensaver images your desktop wallpaper, too. All Scenic Reflections
Screensavers are spyware-free, and no registration or
personal information is required for use.

Bouncing Golf Balls Screensaver - ZDNet Downloads
http://downloads-zdnet.com.com/Bouncing-Golf-Balls-Screensaver/3000-2405-8993290.html?tag=lst-0-24
This animated screensaver features stunning images of Golf Holes while realistic golf balls
bounce (smoothly) around the screen. You have complete control over the animation settings.
You can also configure your own sounds and music to play during the screensaver. You can
also configure the screensaver to save it's image display as wallpaper
each time you exit the screensaver.  


v v v v v


A research team proceeded towards the apex of a natural
geologic protuberance, the purpose of their expedition
being the procurement of a sample of fluid hydride of
oxygen in a large vessel, the exact size of which was unspecified.

One member of the team precipitously descended, sustaining
severe damage to the upper cranial portion of his
anatomical structure; subsequently the second member of
the team performed a self-rotational translation oriented
in the same direction taken by the first team member.

In simple English what does this translate to??

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water jack
fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after.


v v v v v






Top40-Charts.com - 40 Top 20 & Top 40 Music Charts from 25 Countries
http://top40-charts.com/

100 Greatest : One Hit Wonders : VH1.com
http://www.vh1.com/shows/series/100_greatest/one_hit_wonders/

MTV.com - Onair - Vma - 2004
http://www.mtv.com/onair/vma/2004/
Hey yah!


v v v v v


Being a premature ejaculator has its advantages.

One guy made 10 phone-sex calls last month, and his
total bill was just five dollars.


v v v v v


*submitted by*
GuffieBaby


SON: "Daddy, how was I born?

DAD: "Ah, very well, my son, one day you need to find out anyway! Mom and
Dad got together in a chat room in Yahoo. Dad set up a date via E-mail with
your mom and we met at a cyber cafe. We snuck into a secluded room, and
then your mother downloaded from Dad's memory stick. As soon as Dad was
ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a
firewall. Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later
the blessed virus appeared. And that's the story.


v v v v v







Security Watch: Windows XP SP2 more secure? Not so fast
http://ct.com.com/click?q=7c-7NCZIZWrc3GxBU1oWBKe2d8vU5cR

Order Windows XP Service Pack 2 on CD
http://www.microsoft.com/windowsxp/downloads/updates/sp2/cdorder/en_us/default.mspx


Loading Your Favorite Me Programs Automatically

People often work on only a few programs; every day, it's the
same ones. Wouldn't it be convenient if Windows Me opened that
program for you whenever it started up in the morning? Here's how
to make Windows be a little more polite.

1.   Click on the Start button, choose Programs, and
      right-click on the StartUp option. Right-click on the
      StartUp option itself, not any of the items listed under StartUp.

2.   Choose Open from the pop-up menu. My Computer arrives,
      showing you the Start button's StartUp folder. (It may be empty.)

3.   Open My Computer. This brings a second version of My
      Computer to the screen.

4.   Drag and drop your favorite program's icon into the
      StartUp folder. Find your favorite program's icon
      within the My Computer window you just opened. When you
      find the program you want, drag it into the other My
      Computer window - the one that you opened in Step
      2. A shortcut for your favorite program appears in the StartUp window.

5.   Close both My Computer windows. Now, click on the Start
      button and check the StartUp entry. Your favorite
      program is listed inside it. And when you restart
      Windows, your favorite program automatically start  too.

If things don't work out - you don't like that program
starting up all the time - click on the Start button and
head to the program's entry in the StartUp Folder. Right-click
the program's name and choose Delete from the pop-up menu.

For more information like this, get a copy of More Microsoft Windows Me For Dummies
[ http://portal.hungryminds.com/etip.asp?topic=dd07&promo=FeaturedTitles&link=www.
dummies.com/WileyCDA/DummiesTitle/productCd-0764507346.html ], by Andy Rathbone.


v v v v v


Thirty minutes before a plane landed, its cabin lights came on,
indicating to the flight attendants that breakfast could be served.
One of the passengers, upset because he was awakened, growled,
"Who turned on the fucking lights!?"

"Oh, no, sir, " the nearest flight attendant replied.
"Those are the breakfast lights.

You slept through the 'fucking lights'."


v v v v v





Tankless Water Heater Savings -411 Home Repair - Ideas for updating your bathroom on a budget.
http://www.411homerepair.com/ideas/Kitchen_Bath/tanklessWaterHeaterSavings.shtml

Repairing Holes Through Plaster Walls Method 1/ 411 Home Repair and Improvement DIY Tips
http://www.411homerepair.com/ideas/General_Household/RepairingHolesThroughPlasterWalls1.shtml

Repairing Large Cracks in Plaster Walls/ 411 Home Repair and Improvement DIY Tips
http://www.411homerepair.com/ideas/General_Household/RepairingLargeCracksinPlasterWalls.shtml

Free Stuff for Home Repair and Improvements, & Contractors
http://www.411homerepair.com/shop/freeStuff.shtml


v v v v v


It is near the end of the school year, and the teacher has already turned in her grades.
There is really not much to do. All the kids are restless because they are ready for the summer break.

The teacher says, "The first person to correctly answer each of my questions may leave early."

Little Johnny thinks, "Good. I wanna get outta here. I'm smart. I'll answer first."

The teacher asks, "Who said, 'Four score and seven years ago?'"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

The teacher says, "That's right, Susie. You may leave."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered first.

The teacher asks, "Who said, 'I have a dream?'"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary answers, "Martin Luther King."

The teacher says, "That's right, Mary. You may leave."

Johnny is even madder that Mary answered first.

The teacher asks, "Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you?'"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John Kennedy."

The teacher says, "That's right, Nancy. You may leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that Nancy answered first.

Then the teacher turns her back, and Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher says, "WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny answers, "Bill Clinton. May I go now?"


v v v v v


Mary:  What are your plans for the weekend, Sue?

Sue:  Oh, this weekend is all mine!  I'm going to
give myself a facial, a pedicure, and a manicure, and
put a deep conditioner on my hair.

Mary:  You don't have a date either, huh?


v v v v v





Retracting Your Bid

Remember, many states consider your eBay bid a binding contract, just like any other contract. You can't retract your bid unless
one of these three outstandingly unusual circumstances applies:

*    If your bid is clearly a typographical error (you submitted a bid for $4,567 when you really meant
     $45.67), you may retract your bid. If this occurs, you should reenter the correct bid amount immediately.

     You won't get any sympathy if you try to retract an $18.25 bid by saying you meant to bid $15.25,
so review your bid before you send it.

*    You have tried to contact the seller to answer questions on the item, and he or she doesn't reply.

*    If the seller substantially changes the description of an item after you place a bid (the description of the
     item changes from "can of tennis balls" to "a tennis ball," for example), you may retract your bid.

If you simply must retract a bid, try to do so long before the auction ends - and have a good reason for your retraction.
eBay users are understanding, up to a point. If you have a good explanation, you should come out of
the situation all right. So admit you've made a mistake.

If you've made an error, you must retract your bid prior to the last 12 hours of the auction. At this point, a retraction removes
all bids you have placed in the auction. Mistakes or not, when you retract a bid that was placed within the last 12 hours of the
listing, only the most recent bid you made is retracted - your bids placed prior
to the last 12 hours are still active.

Here's how to retract a bid while the auction's still going on:

1.   Click the Services link on the main navigation bar.

2.   Go to the Buying and Selling Tools area. Click the Go Directly to Buying and Selling Tools link.

3.   Scroll down to Buyer Tools and click Retract My Bid. You may have to sign in again; when you do,
the Bid Retraction page appears.

4.   Read the legalese and scroll down the page. Enter the item number of the auction you're retracting your bid
     from. Then open the drop-down menu and select one of the three legitimate reasons for retracting your bid.

5.   Click the Retract Bid button. You receive a confirmation of your bid retraction via e-mail. Keep a
     copy of it until the auction is completed.

The seller may send you an e-mail to ask for a more lengthy explanation of your retraction, especially if the item was a hot
seller that received a lot of bids. You may also get e-mails from other bidders. Keep your replies courteous. After you retract one
bid on an item, all your lower bids on that item are also retracted (unless the retraction is done within the last 12
hours), and your retraction goes into the bidding history - another good reason to have a really good reason for the
retraction. The number of bids you've retracted also goes on your feedback rating scorecard.

Turn clutter into cash with eBay For Dummies
[ http://portal.hungryminds.com/etip.asp?topic=dd11&promo=FeaturedTitles&link=www.dummies.
com/WileyCDA/DummiesTitle/productCd-0764556541.html ], by Marsha Collier.


v v v v v


Lois: Oh, I haven't been on a college campus in years. Everything  
seems so different.  

Bob: Really? Perhaps if you laid on your back with your ankles  
behind your ears that would ring a few bells.  


v v v v v


Zillion (zil*yen) n.

The number of times you ask someone to take out the trash,
then end up doing it yourself anyway.


v v v v v

Candy USA!
http://www.candyusa.org/

Candy Detective
http://www.candydetective.com/index.html
Candy manyfacturers and suppliers

Online Candy Store - Wholesale Candy
http://www.itsalldirect2u.com/

candy store with wholesale warehouse full of nostalgic candies and candy bouquets
http://www.candydirect.com/html/eng/home.shtml

Home Page
http://www.sweetservices.com/index.aspx?
Sweet Services

Welcome to The Candy Company !
http://www.thecandycompany.com/

concession carnival machine and supplies for popcorn cotton
candy snow cone and shave ice
http://www.popcornsupply.com/


v v v v v


Damn Good Definitions


ADULTERY - The wrong people doing the right thing.

ALIMONY - The screwing you get for the screwing you got.

BABY - A hollow tube with a loud voice at one end and a complete
lack of responsibility at the other end.

CANNIBAL - One who is apt to pass his best friend.

CHIVALRY - A mans inclination to defend a woman against every
man but himself.

CONSCIENCE - That which hurts when everything else feels so good.

CONSTIPATION - To have and to hold.

COOKIE - A virgin doughnut.

DANCE - A Naval engagement without the loss of seamen.

DIVORCE - What happens when two people cannot stomach
each other any longer.

DECOY - A flashlight in the pants pocket.

DIARY - Book of revelations.

DOCTOR - A lucky fellow who is privileged to undress women and go
all over them without getting his face slapped.

ENEMA - A goose with a gush.

EXPLORATION - Beating around the bush.

FATHER'S DAY - Nine months before labor day.

GENTLEMAN - One who is always careful to rest at least
half his weight on his elbows.

GIGGALO - The egg that laid the golden Goose.

GLAMOUR GIRL - a much publicized young thing who is full of oomf, and
frequently full of other things; one who doesn't worry about the meat shortage.

HORSE SHOW - A lot of horses showing their asses to a lot of
horses' asses showing their horses.

HUSBAND - What is left after the nerve has been killed.

KEPT WOMAN - One who wears mink all day and fox all night.

HUNG CHOW - Chinese constipation.

A KISS - Upper persuasion for lower invasion; upstairs shopping
for downstairs merchandise.

MASTURBATION - A solo played on a private organ.

METALLURGIST - A man who can look at a platinum blonde and
tell whether she is virgin metal or a common ore.

MINUTE MAN - One who double parks while he visits a sporting house.

MORNING - The time of day when the rising generation retires, and the
retiring generation arises.

MOTHER'S DAY - Nine months after fathers day.

DONKEY BARBECUE- Where everybody gets a piece of ass.

NUN - A woman who ain't never had none, don't want none, and
ain't going to get none.


v v v v v





Sniglets
http://bertc.com/sniglets.htm
Words that don't appear in the dictionary but should!

Graham Barker's Navel Fluff Page
http://www.feargod.net/fluff.html
Largest collection of one person's navel fluff -- ewww

*submitted by*
ColleenBokelman
Big House Magazine!
http://terrisfp.com/martha/bighouse.html

*submitted by*
WMBAAS
men
http://www.mamarocks.com/men.htm

2.   Know Jack Video
http://home.pacbell.net/diana_do/knowjack.htm

3.   Bonehead Of The Day Award Picture Gallery 18
http://lerman.biz/pics/Gallery18.html

*submitted by*
Jrtopcop
The Writings on the Stall
http://www.thewritingsonthestall.com

*submitted by*
Granny B 132
Seinfeld Quotes
http://www.pkmeco.com/seinfeld/

Wonchop-I'm ready to take you on!
http://wonchop.hippygeek.co.uk/hitme.htm
Yeah - kick him THERE!


v v v v v


*submitted by*
WMBAAS


There once was a happy little fly buzzing around a barn one day, when she
happened upon a large pile of fresh cow manure. Since it had been hours
since her last meal and she was feeling hunger pains, she flew down to the
irresistible delicacy and began to munch out. She ate... and ate... and
then... she ate some more!

Finally, she decided she'd had plenty. She washed her face with her tiny
front legs, belched a few times, then attempted to fly away. But
alas...she had pigged out far too much and could not get off the ground.

She looked around wondering what to do about this unpleasant situation
when she spotted a pitchfork leaning upright against the barn wall.

She found a solution! She realized if she could just become airborne she'd
be able to fly again.

So, she painstakingly, climbed to the top of the handle. Once there, she
took a deep breath, spread her tiny wings and leaped confidently into the
air. She dropped like a rock and splattered all over the floor...

DEAD FLY...

The moral of this sad story?

Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of SHIT!


v v v v v




Kate:  What did your ex do for a living?

Deb:  He was a salesman.

Kate:  Hmmm!  Was he any good at it?

Deb:  Well, he certainly sold ME a load of bullshit!


v v v v v


There are three types of people:  Those who can count, and  those who can't.


v v v v v


*submitted by*
BADVETTE87


Definitions that make sense


ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born
and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.

INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES:
Something other people have.  
You have character lines.


v v v v v





Teen Advice - advice for teens - teen - peer advice - counselling - advice
http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/M29

The Source: Teen Lingo
http://www.thesource4ym.com/teenlingo/index.asp


v v v v v


Some women dress as if they have no faith in men's imaginations.


v v v v v


*submitted by*
BADVETTE87


A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn
from his body.  His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his
manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic.

The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small,  $6,500 for
"medium, $14,000 for "large."  The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the
doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.

The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.  The doctor came
back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.

"Well,  what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.

The man answered,  "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".


v v v v v


In my senior year, our English teacher was a young,
attractive, unattached woman.  Finally, the inevitable
happened:  One of the bolder males in the class asked,
"What would it take for you to go out with one of your students?" 

"He would have to get straight A's in his senior year.."
she answered calmly, "..in college."


v v v v v







v v v v v


*submitted by*
WMBAAS


After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent
word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.

The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and
went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing
several applicants demonstrate their skill, he had decided to call it a
day.  Just then, an armless man approached him and
announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job.

The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!"

"No matter," said the man. "Observe!"

And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful
melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he
had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.

But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped
and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the
street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the
street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the
beautiful music they had heard only moments before.

As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked,
"Bishop, who was this man?"

"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied,  

"BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL"...
 

v v v v v






THE GUYS AT LUNCH


Bill and Doug were having a drink at the bar and Bill
says, "I found my wife's G-spot".

Doug says, "Oh yeah?"

Bill replies, "Yep - my neighbor had it."


v v v v v


MORE good definitions:


NURSE - A pan handler.

NURSERY - A place to park last years fun until it grows up a bit.

PAPOOSE - Consolation prize for taking a chance on an Indian blanket.

PIMP - A crack salesman; a nookie bookie.

PREGNANCY - When a woman is all swelled up from her mate's handiwork.

RHUMBA - An asset to music.

SECRETARY - A stenographer who watches her periods.

SIN - Anything the other fellow enjoys and you don't.

SISSY - A man who gets out of the bath tub to take a leak.

SPRING FEVER - When the iron in your blood turns to lead in your pencil.

STORK - The bird that had none of the fun in bringing the babies.

TAXIDERMIST - A man who mounts animals.

TOMCAT - A ball bearing mouse trap.

TRIPLETS - Having to take seriously what was poked at you in fun.

VISE - Anything you enjoy that is bad for you.

VIRGINITY - A bubble on the stream of life, one prick and it's gone forever.

VIRGIN WOOL - Wool from a sheep that can outrun a sheep herder.


v v v v v


Wanna know why I refer to my ex wife as Federal Express?

Because when she goes to a guy's house, it's absolutely,
positively guaranteed that she'll be there overnight.


v v v v v

Coloring Pages Kids Coloring Contests Great Kid Site with coloring pages!
http://kidspirit.com/

kid stuff! - Easy craft activities and projects for kids
http://www.dcs-realm.com/banners.htm

Print coloring pages for children - Scooby Doo, Christmas, Grinch, animals,
alphabet, Blue's Clues, Dragonball Z, Pokemon, R
http://www.outer-limit.net/coloring/pages.html

theKidzpage Free Kids Games, Colouring & Jigsaw Puzzles
http://www.thekidzpage.com/


v v v v v


Classic Police Quotes


"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll
stretch out after you wear them awhile."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that
means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think
it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to
do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether
you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."

"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas,
but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"Just how big were those two beers?

"In God we trust, all others are suspects."


v v v v v


A rather awkward freshman finally got up the nerve to ask a
pretty junior for a dance at the homecoming.

She gave him the once-over and said, "Sorry, I won't dance  with a child."

"Please forgive me," responded the underclassman. "I didn't
realize you were pregnant."


v v v v v





MysticalBall.com - The Amazing Mind Reader
http://www.mysticalball.com/
Not a game -- but oh well

*submitted by*
Granny B 132
CoolCamels! - Ask yourself a camel!
http://coolcamels.com/

*submitted by*
ColleenBokelman
Addicting Games.com - Flash games
http://www.addictinggames.com/

KillSomeTime.com - Trampoline Tricks 2 - Flash Game
http://tinyurl.com/2mk3g

Tips on Flirting from Peta, the Flirt Coach
http://www.flirtzone.com/tips.htm

Da Numba
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/danumba.shtml

KillSomeTime.com - Trampoline Tricks 2 - Flash Game
http://www.killsometime.com/games/game.asp?Game=Trampoline-Tricks-2


v v v v v


The Three Ages of Marriage:

Twenty is when you watch the TV after.
Forty is when you watch the TV during.
Sixty is when you watch the TV instead


v v v v v


The child was a typical four-year-old girl - cute, inquisitive, bright as a new penny.
When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her
father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help.

One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church,
the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc.
"Now do you understand?" he asked.

"I think so," she said, "is that when mommy came to work for us?"


v v v v v







ZDNet AnchorDesk
http://ct.com.com/click?q=3f-4sAEIqMUSOhOBy1VNEUaq3yuX7iR
Is Apple making the grade?
MP3 INSIDER: Apple's on a roll, announcing its 100 millionth download one week and a
brand-new iPod the next. Here's Eliot's report card on Apple--what
it's doing right and what it could do better.

Focus on Macs - iLife - iTunes - AppleScripts for iTunes
http://glclk.about.com/?zi=5/1nyP
Looking to improve the functions and capabilities of iTunes?


v v v v v


VERY USEFUL WORK INFO


* Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands.

People with documents in their hands look like hardworking
employees heading for important meetings. People with
nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the
cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hands look like
they're heading for the bathroom. Above all, make sure you
carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus
generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.


v v v v v


You'd be out of your depth in a puddle.


v v v v v





Tips on dating!Articles on Dating tips for women, dating tips for men
http://www.consum-mate.com/articles.htm

Top 12 Good Health Tips for Men
http://abcnews.go.com/sections/living/DailyNews/DrJohnson_TOP12mens_tips020605.html

Transcript: Health Tips for Men
http://abcnews.go.com/sections/community/DailyNews/chat_timjohnson020605.html
In a new book, ABCNEWS medical editor Dr. Tim Johnson provides men of all ages
with guidelines for staying healthy and dealing effectively with medical concerns as they arise.

Career Guide - Professional Attire - Tips for Men
http://www.lacs.utexas.edu/student/careerguide/attire/men/


v v v v v


*submitted by*
BadBob4652


President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar. A guy walks
in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell sitting over
there?" The barman says, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What
are you guys doing in here?"

Bush says, "We're planning WW III ".

The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 40 million Iraqis and one
blonde with big tits."

The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?"

Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, "See,
I told you no one would worry about the 40 million Iraqis!"


v v v v v





Three Senses Help Spot Car Trouble
http://www.autoshop-online.com/cchtml/trans.3.sens.html

Scrap Tires are Valuable
http://www.autoshop-online.com/cchtml/tire.scrap.html

Three Tips For Buying A Better Used Car
http://www.autoshop-online.com/cchtml/used.car.wisdom.three.tips.html

Four Wheel Alignment
http://www.autoshop-online.com/cchtml/susp.4.whl.html


v v v v v


You know you're growing old when your knees buckle and your belt won't!


v v v v v


Two young men are walking down Fifth Avenue. One says,
"Look at that gorgeous redhead in that green suit."

They walk on, and the young man says, "Wow! Take a gander
at that blonde in those red slacks."

They continue, and first young man says, "Holy cow! Feast
your eyes on that brunette in the ..."

The second young man says, "Is that all you can think about? Clothes?"


v v v v v



topfive.com


The snickers and shocked expressions that
greeted me as I walked down the street made
me realize that I should have paid more
attention to the spelling when I purchased that
street vendor's knock-off "Hard Rock Cafe" T-shirt.
Brad Simanek
 
So I'm sitting here trying to think of a
good Rumination and I've about rubbed my
penis raw. Masturbation and attention
deficit disorder don't go well together.
Aaron Ferguson

I should have thought to give up sex for Lent.
It wouldn't have been too difficult --
I pretty much gave it up when I got married.
Wiley

As a devotee of S&M, my motto is:
"If you can't beat 'em, don't bone 'em."
Lili VonSchtupp
 

v v v v v


Pickup Lines


* You're body is like Visa. It's like everywhere I want to be.

* If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.

* Sex is a killer...want to die happy?

* Damn, I thought "very-fine" only came in a bottle!

* Baby, if you were words on a page, you'd be what they call FINE PRINT!

* Something tells me you're sweet. Can I have a sample?


v v v v v





Tips for Women Driving Alone
http://www.parents-talk.com/expertsadvice/ea_fs_0012.html

How to Attract Men
http://www.datestacker.com/

Work Tips for Women
http://www.mavicanet.com/directory/eng/6059.html

You can be beautiful with the right and frugal products. Home made,
grocery store bought, natural beauty.
http://frugalliving.about.com/od/frugalwomen/


v v v v v


*submitted by*
BadBob4652


The Future of Texas


Please note that Texas is the only state with a legal right
to secede from the Union (please refer to the Texas-American Annexation Treaty of 1848).

We Texans love y'all, but we'll have to take action if Kerry wins president over Bush. We'll miss you too.

Texas has given all those complainers plenty of time to get used to the results. After seeing the whiners along the
campaign route, the folks from Texas are considering taking
matters into our their hands.

Here is our solution:

#1: Let John Kerry become President of the United States(all 49 states.)

#2: George W. Bush becomes the President of the Republic of Texas.

So what does Texas have to do to survive as a Republic?

1. NASA is just south of Houston, Texas. (we will control the space industry.)

2. We refine over 85% of the gasoline in the United States.

3. Defense Industry. (we have over 65% of it) The term "Don't mess with Texas," will
take on a whole new meaning.

4. Oil - we can supply all the oil that the Republic of
Texas will need for the next 300 years. Yankee states? Sorry about that.

5. Natural Gas - Again we have all we need and it's too bad
about those northern states. John Kerry will figure a way to keep them warm....

6. Computer Industry - we currently lead the nation in producing computer chips and communications: Small places
like Texas Instruments, Dell Computer, EDS, Raytheon, National Semiconductor, Motorola, Intel, AMD, Atmel,
Applied Materials, Ball Semiconductor, Dallas Semiconductor, Delphi, Nortel, Alcatel, etc. 
The list goes on and on.

7. Health Centers - We have the largest research centers for Cancer research, the best burn centers and the top
trauma units in the world and other large health planning centers.

8. We have enough colleges to keep us going: UT., TCU, Uof H, Texas A&M, Texas Tech, Rice, SMU, Baylor, UNT, Texas
Women's University, etc. Ivy grows better in the south anyway.

9. We have a ready supply of workers. (just open the border when we need some more).

10. We have control of the paper industry, plastics, insurance, etc.

11. In case of a foreign invasion, we have the Texas National Guard and the Texas Air National Guard. We don't
have an army but since everybody down here has at least six rifles and a pile of ammo, we can raise an army in 24 hours
if we need it. If the situation really gets bad, we can always call Department of Public Safety and ask them to
send over a couple Texas Rangers.

12. We are totally self sufficient in beef, poultry, hogs and several types of grain, fruit and vegetables and let's
not forget seafood from the Gulf. And everybody down here knows how to cook them so
that they taste good. Don't need any food.

This just names a few of the items that will keep the Republic of Texas in good shape. There isn't a thing out
there that we need and don't have.

Now to the rest of the United States under President Kerry:

Since you won't have the refineries to get gas for your cars, only President Kerry will be able to drive around in
his 9 mile per gallon SUV. The rest of the United States will have to walk or ride bikes.

You won't have any TV as the space center in Houston will cut off your communications. You won't have any natural gas
to heat your homes but since Mr. Kerry has predicted global warming, you will not need the gas.

Signed, The People in Texas



v v v v v


A blonde  is at the stadium and begins his speech to open the Olympic Games.

"Ooooooo!  Ooooooo!  Ooooooo!  Ooooooo!  Ooooooo!"

An official comes over and whispers in his ear.

"Those are the Olympic rings.  Your speech is below."


v v v v v

v v v v v


A guy was stopped by a policeman for speeding, and does a lot of
pleading, trying to get out of the ticket.  The policeman says
"Okay, I'll ask you a question.  If you answer correctly, I'll
forget about the ticket!"

"Agreed!" answers the speeder.

"You're driving at night, and two lights appear in front of you. What is it?"

"That's easy! It's a car!"

"Sure!  But, what kind of car? Is it a Ford? Is it a Chevy? Is it
a Saab, what?", says the policeman, and begins to write the ticket.

"Wait! Give me another chance!" begs the guy.

"Okay, but this is your last chance! You fail to answer - you get the ticket!"

"Fair enough."

"You're driving at night, and a light appears in front of you. What is it?"

"That's easy!  It's a motorcycle!"

"Sure! But, what kind of bike? Is it a Honda? A Suzuki? Is it a Harley?"

"How the hell should I know!"  answered the guy, exasperatedly.

"Sorry, you're getting the ticket!" responded the officer.

"Yeah, well okay.  But let me ask you a question too then."

"Go ahead"

"You see a bare breasted woman standing at the curve, bargaining
with clients, what is it?" asks the guy.

"Oh, that's easy!" replies the officer.  "It's a hooker!"

"Sure!  But, what kind of hooker? Is it your mother? Is it your
sister? Is it your daughter?"


v v v v v





v v v v v


You know you're getting older when nobody uses candles for your
birthday anymore. They just set the cake on fire.


v v v v v


"Oh God," sighed the wife one morning, "I'm convinced my mind is almost
completely gone!"

Her husband looked up from the newspaper and commented, "I'm not
surprised: You've been giving me a piece of it every day for twenty years!"


v v v v v






Tell Your Friends

In the world of online dating, the smartest thing you can do is to prevent all sorts of bad situations from happening. And this
advice doesn't apply just to women. Men have safety issues, too, although they tend to be less physical.

Tell others what's going on. Never go to a meeting without telling someone you trust all the Ws - who, what, when,
where, and why. Include enough detail so that the person you trust can locate the prospect online, too. This precaution may
appear unimportant, but it can make a world of difference.

Meet in a public, well-lit place like a coffee shop. Tell a good friend where you are, when you're meeting, and approximately when
you're coming home. If you have a cell phone, bring it along.

This task of telling a friend is much easier for women than men, who often don't want to admit their fears to anyone. But men,
take heed: Admitting your fears and staying safe is far better than the alternative outcomes that are possible.

If you're uncomfortable telling a friend in person where you're going and with whom, just send the details in an e-mail. Include
where you're going, with whom, the prospect's profile name, and which dating site you're using. Tell your friend why you're
e-mailing those details but not to worry.

Know the lingo, post a photo, and make a date with assistance
from Online Dating For Dummies


v v v v v


Jill and Mary were discussing reincarnation. Jill
asked if Mary's husband believed in it.

Mary said, "Does my husband believe in life after
death?  My husband doesn't even believe in life after dinner!"


v v v v v





v v v v v


How can you tell if your wife is dead?
The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

- - -

How can you tell if your husband is dead?
The sex is the same but you get the remote.


v v v v v


A man walked into a Wal-Mart and the Greeter said,
"Automotive, aisle 15." The man asked, "How did you
know I was here to get oil?" The Greeter replied,
"That's my job."

Another man walked in and the Greeter said,
"Sporting goods, aisle 28." The man asked, "How
did you know I wanted fishing supplies? The Greeter
replied, "That's my job."

A woman walked in and the Greeter said, "Tampons,
aisle 5." The woman said, "No, I'm here for
hemorrhoid medicine."

The Greeter said, "Damn, I missed it by an inch!"


v v v v v






Creamsicle
3/4 oz. Grand Marnier
1/2 oz. white creme de cacao
1/2 oz. Amaretto
orange juice and cream. 
Shake in cocktail shaker and strain into cocktail glass.


Fuzzy Navel
1 1/2 oz. peach schnapps
orange juice and soda. 
Build in highball glass and top with soda.
Some establishments leave out the soda.


Killer Kool-aid
1 oz vodka
1/2 oz. melon liqueur and cranberry juice. 
Build in highball glass and garnish with orange/cherry pick.



v v v v v


The cardiologist at the ER had bad news for me:
"You're going to need a pacemaker."

Later, the nurse filling out the admission form began
to ask me the standard questions:  "Have you ever had
mumps, measles, etc.?"

Seeing how upset I was, she put down the clipboard and
took my hand. "Don't worry.  This kind of heart
problem is easily fixed, and your life will be much
better as a result."

I felt reassured until she continued with, "Do you
have a living will?"


v v v v v






Board Games: ChessToGo for Palm
http://www.palmblvd.com/software/pc/ChessToGo-for-Palm-2004-8-9-palm-pc.html

Sports & Tracking: mySchedule NFL 2004
http://www.palmblvd.com/software/pc/mySchedule-NFL-2002-2002-4-21-palm-pc.html

News: Wi-Fi Accessories Slow to Come for Palm Handhelds
http://www.palmblvd.com/articles/2004/8/2004-8-6-Wi-Fi-Accessories.html


v v v v v


Redneck Sexual IQ Test


A condom is a large apartment complex. True or False

Spread Eagle is an extinct bird. True or False

Vagina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack. True or False

A menstrual cycle has three wheels. True or False

A G-string is part of a fiddle. True or False

Anus is a Latin term for yearly. True or False

Testicles are found on an Octopus. True or False

Asphalt describes rectal problems. True or False


v v v v v







Meals For You - Thousands Of Delicious Recipes And Meals
http://us.rd.yahoo.com/dir/recipes/SIG=10ple4428/*http://www.mymenus.com/

Meals.com - 15,000 recipes
http://www.meals.com/Index/Index.aspx

RecipeSource: Your Source for Recipes on the Internet
http://www.recipesource.com/

CajunGrocer.com Cajun, Creole and other Louisiana Products Online
http://www.cajungrocer.com/cfapps/netgear/index.asp?cn=cgrocer&pid=46&
OVRAW=recipes&OVKEY=recipe&OVMTC=standard

Cooks Recipes - The popular and favorite recipe site and cooking site with recipes for every cook!
http://www.cooksrecipes.com/


v v v v v


This is too funny not to run again!!


*submitted by*
Barb2c4u


A company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they
interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down three people.

In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same
question to answer within 24 hours and the one with the best answer would get the job.

The question was:

A man and a woman are in bed, nude.  The woman is lying on her side with
her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back.

What is the man's name?

After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers.

The first one says, "My answer is, there IS no answer."

The second one says, "My answer is, that there is no way to determine the
answer with the information we were given."

The THIRD one says, "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to
two names.  It's either Willie Turner or Willie Nailer."

...... HE GOT THE JOB!



v v v v v



Debsnewsletter - Archives
http://www.debsnewsletter.com/archives.shtml


v v v v v


Men are like.....Horoscopes.
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.


v v v v v


Why did the Pole buy his wife a wig?

He heard that she was getting balled at the office.


v v v v v




Spyware
AOL only
Do you know who's looking at your while you are browsing the web?

PCWorld.com - New Trojan Horse Travels By Spam
http://pcwnl.pcworld.com/t/155027/8383497/516572/0/

AOL PC Tuneup: Speed Up and Clean Up Your PC
Let AOL diagnose and automatically fix common AOL and PC problems!
Available only on AOL 8.0 and higher - for Windows

New worm spies on you - News - ZDNet
http://ct.com.com/click?q=63-tPKjIHWvg0QXyf0w1RAosYp3EjsR
A new worm has been discovered in the wild that's not just settling for invading
users' PCs--it wants to invade their homes too.


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Q: Did you hear about the new Greek tampon?
A: It's called "Abzorba the Leak."


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GARLIC & HONEY CHOPS ON THE GRILL
thedailyrecipe 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  

INGREDIENTS:  
4 boneless pork chops, about 1-inch thick  
1/4 cup lemon juice  
1/4 cup honey  
2 tablespoons soy sauce  
1 tablespoon dry sherry  
2 cloves garlic, minced  

DIRECTIONS:  
Combine marinade ingredients and pour over chops in heavy  
plastic bag, seal. Refrigerate 4-24 hours. Prepare covered  
grill with drip pan in center banked by medium-hot coals.  
Remove chops from marinade, reserve marinade. Grill chops  
12-15 minutes, turning once and basting occasionally with  
reserved marinade. Discard remaining marinade.  

Yield: 4 Servings  


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Gardening tips and family fun - Gardener's Paradise
http://www.gardeningtips.org/

Gardening Information
http://www.totacc.com/user/jgoucher/information.htm

*submitted by*
myrnadoman@comcast.net
Gardening
http://www.gardenadvice.com/
Lawn care, gardening and problem solving

What Butterflies Need Besides Nectar
http://www.gardenguides.com/articles/bflyneeds.htm

clematis
http://www.gardenguides.com/forum/showthread.php?&threadid=10384

GardenGuides Forums - Gloriosa Daisy!
http://www.gardenguides.com/forum/showthread.php?&threadid=10425


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Men are like.....Plungers.

They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.


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"During a recent interview, Martha Stewart said that
the business part of her wants to accept her guilty
verdict and move on, but the personal part of her
wants to appeal the verdict.
Martha said the 3rd part of her wants to put the
prosecutor's balls in a food processor."
Conan O'Brien

"They wanted to allow divorced women to compete in the
Miss America pageant. Was that a good idea? Do you
really want to hear, 'My dreams for the future include
world peace, and that my ex-husband gets killed by a bus'"
Jay Leno

"I think laughter is very imperative. And that's the important
part of my life, of making people laugh so they can forget their
problems. A good laugh is better than anything."
           Comedian Milton Berle (1908-2002)

"I always turn to the sports page first. The sports page  
records people's accomplishments; the front page nothing but man's failure"
    Chief Justice Earl Warren  

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury"
Groucho Marx  


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A very tall man walks into a bar, and a lady recognizes him as a basketball player.
They start to talk, and eventually, go back to his place. They start to kiss,
and the man takes off his shirt. On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK. 

"What's that?" the lady questions.

"Oh, I have this so that when I'm on TV people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me."
Then the man takes off his pants, and on his leg, he has a tattoo that says NIKE.

"What's that?" the lady questions again.

"Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo is seen on TV."
Then the man drops his underwear and on his penis he has a tattoo that says AIDS.

"You didn't tell me you had AIDS!" the lady screams.

"NO, no! Calm down," the man replies.  "This will say ADIDAS in a minute."


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  Three old guys from the twilight home were given, as a treat, a day at the beach.
And it turned out to be a nudist beach. They were watching the various young
women agog. When the prettiest of them all walked by, one of the men said,
"I'd like to give her a hug."

"I'd like to give her a kiss.," said the second man.

And the third old man said, '"What was that other thing we used to do?"


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     *submitted by*
WMBAAS


A Frenchwoman took her little daughter to the Louvre where they saw a statue
of a nude male.  "What is that?" asked the child pointing to the penis.

       "Nothing, nothing at all, Cherie," replied the mother.

       "I want one," said the child.  The mother tried to focus
her daughter's attention on a more suitable subject, but
the little girl persisted.

       "I want one just like that," she kept repeating.

       At last the mother said, "If you are a good girl and stop thinking about
it now, when you grow up, you will have one."

       "And if I'm bad?" asked the little one.

       "Then," sighed the mother, "You will have many."


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*submitted by*
BADVETTE87


What's the difference between Monica Lewinsky and the rest of us?

To get some dick in the White House, we just voted.


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How Long Has the Computer Been Running?
gophercentral.com

Curious as to how long your computer has been running since
you last started it or rebooted? You don't need a clock (or a
calendar) to find out.

1) Click the Start button
2) Point to:
    Programs / Accessories / System Tools and click System Info.
3) Look in the right pane next to "Uptime." This will tell you how
    many days, hours, minutes, and seconds Windows 98 has been running


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*submitted by*
BADVETTE87


1. It is important to find a woman who helps at home, who
cooks a decent meal from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It is important to find a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It is important to find a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It is important to find a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It is very important that these four women don't know each other.


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AVOIDABLE:  What a bullfighter tries to do


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I got even with my parents. My parents came to
stay with me for the weekend in my apartment. You know
what I did? I made 'em sleep in separate bedrooms.

My mother said, "What, are you crazy? I've been
sleeping with this man for years."

I said, "Look, I don't care what you do on the
outside, but when you're in my house..."


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FCC Bans Cell Phone Spam
http://pcwnl.pcworld.com/t/184508/8383497/601334/0/
Mobile solicitors are now subject to CAN-SPAM law and must get user's OK before sending messages

T-Mobile Sidekick II - Smartphones
http://ct.com.com/click?q=61-x9oAIoLNvQwtiZ3T0SyJTG~lEedR

Siemens Prepares BlackBerry Phone
http://pcwnl.pcworld.com/t/180607/8383497/601236/0/
The SK65 is a tri-band phone and the first to feature a full suite of BlackBerry applications,
including e-mail, a calendar, and a Web browser, provided under a new licensing program
from Research in Motion (RIM), according to Siemens

Cell Phone Reviews
AOL only
Discussion:  Should teens have cell phones?


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If you have a lot of tension and you get headaches, do what
it says on the aspirin bottle:

"Take two and keep away from children."


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*submitted by*
WMBAAS


Ten Things You *Don't* Want to Overhear Over an Airline P.A. System

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Is poor eyesight keeping you from browsing the Web?

Using Accessibility Features in IE
Don't let poor eyesight prevent you from browsing the Web. You can use the
Accessibility features in Internet Explorer to increase Web page text and make
things a lot easier on your eyes.

To make text larger:

Go to the View menu.
Select Text Size and choose the appropriate size.


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*submitted by*
WMBAAS


Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. 
When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. 
"You're running around with other women," she charged.

      "You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth."

      The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking
him in the chest.  It was Eve. 

"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

      "Counting your ribs," said Eve.

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Seriously now, count those fat grams and calories,
take long walks, buy all that fat free stuff they have in
grocery stores now-a-days...and while you guys get
started doing all of that, I'm going out for a cheeseburger,
fries, and of course a diet coke!


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Dummies::Gas versus Charcoal Grilling
http://www.dummies.com/WileyCDA/DummiesArticle/id-415.html
Without a doubt, the most important grilling decision that you make is what type of
grill you buy. How can you know what kind of grill will do the best job for you?
Which grill is right for you? Charcoal or gas?
Your decision to buy a grill must depend, ultimately, on a few personal preferences


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*submitted by*
GuysBabi


A married couple are driving along the  highway doing a steady 40 miles per hour.
The wife is behind the wheel. Her  husband suddenly looks across at her  and speaks
in a clear voice.  "Darling," he says. "I know we've been married for 20 years but  I want a divorce."

The  wife says nothing, keeps looking at  the road ahead, but slowly increases her  speed to 45mph.

The  husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it " he  says,
"because I've been having an affair with your best friend and she's a far  better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays silent, but grips  the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to  55mph.

He then pushes his luck. "I want the  house," he says  insistently. The  car is now up to 70.

"I  want the car too,"  he continues. Up to 75mph.

"And,"  he says, "I'll have the bank  accounts, all the credit cards and the boat".
The car slowly starts veering  towards a  massive concrete bridge!

This  makes him a wee bit  nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there anything you  want?"

The  wife at last replies ? in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got  everything I need " she  says.

"Oh  really?" he inquires, "So  what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 90mph, the  wife turns to him and
smiles. "The  airbag"


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John had a blind date for the prom and, as the evening progressed, he
found himself more and more attracted to her. After some really
passionate embracing, he said,  "Tell me, would you object to me
fucking your brains out?"

"That is something I have never done before," the date replied.

"Never made love? You mean you are a virgin?" John exclaimed.

"No, silly!" she giggled. "I've never objected!"


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*submitted by*
WMBAAS


Things That Bike Riding and Sex Have in Common


1. If you get a flat, try pumping it back up.

2. It's best to wear protection when going into unfamiliar territory.

3. You can do it with no hands, but it's best not to try
 it until you have a lot of experience.

4. It's easier to learn with the help of someone
 who has a lot of experience.

5. You can do it by yourself, but it's usually not as much fun.

6. It's usually hard to control your speed the first few times you try.

7. It's best to have a soft place to land.

8. You don't need any special clothing, but you can get some if you are really into it.

9. If you're with someone who is having trouble keeping up,
it's usually best to slow down and wait for them.

10. Most people think it looks easy until they try it for the first time.

11. Once you learn, you never forget how.

12. If you fall off get right back on.

13. If you are going to land face first, best to land in a soft bush.

14. Remember to signal before you change direction.

15. Make sure that you've got a firm grip.

16. Sometimes it's nice to have a cushy seat.

17. If you do it for too long, your dick can feel numb.

18. Lubricate all the moving parts.
The last thing you want is too much friction.

19. Better than even chance you will last longer if you change your pace.

20. You have to keep pumping if you want to get anywhere


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More Redneck Sexual IQ Tests


Masturbate is used to catch large fish. True or False

Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke. True or False

An umbilical cord is part of a parachute. True or False

A pubic hair is a wild rabbit. True or False

An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir. True or False

A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry. True or False

An erection is when Japanese people vote. True or False

A lesbian is a person from the Middle East. True or False

Pornography is the business of making records. True or False

Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin. True or False


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*submitted by*
BADVETTE87


GIRL: I have done a great sin. I called a boy a BADTARD.
PSYCHIATRIST: Well now, that's not a nice thing to call
anyone, so what did he do to deserve that?

GIRL: Well, he kissed me.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?

GIRL: .. Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD..

GIRL: But, he put his hand in my bra.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?

GIRL: Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD..

GIRL: But, he took my clothes off.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?

GIRL: Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD..

GIRL: But, he had sex with me!
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?

GIRL: .Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD..

GIRL: But, he told me he has AIDS.
PSYCHIATRIST: THAT BASTARD.!


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A young boy asked his mother, "Ma, is it true that people  
can be taken apart like machines?"  

"Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?" replied his mother.  

The young boy answered, "The other day, Daddy was talking  
to someone on the phone, and he said that he screwed the  
ass off his secretary."  
 

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Prison Pick-up Lines


- Interested in serving HARD time?

- Damn, you are sexy in stripes.

- Is that a zip-gun carefully carved out of a piece of
discarded metal found on the floor of the prison license-plat
manufacturing shop in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?

- Don't you prefer dropping bar soap instead of that liquid crap?

- You know, normally I don't give in in the first 30 seconds,
but I guess I'm just a sucker for sheer muscle mass.

- Nice teeth. They'd look so much better on the floor of my cell.

- Due to a recent execution, I now have an opening for my prison bitch.

- Who wants to marry a multiple murderer?

- I've been watching you from across the yard for awhile
now, and I knew if I didn't work up the courage to just
walk over here and ask you to be my bitch, I might regret
it for the rest of my life sentence.

- Bread, water or me?

- Hold still while I staple this centerfold to the back of your head.

- Stop by my cell later for a Lethal Injection.

- That orange jumpsuit really brings out the red in
your freshly healed knife wound.

- Care to give Prisoner Johnson a weekend furlough?

- Cinemax3 is doing another one of those Women In
Prison movies soon...Wanna audition in my cell?

- You're new here... let me debrief you and introduce you to the penal system.

- Wanna attend a chain gang bang?

- You look even better in person than you did
on America's Most Wanted.

- If looks could kill, you'd get 25 to life.

- You're getting your GED... wow, that makes me so H.O.T.!!


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*submitted by*
WMBAAS




"My favorite sex position?  Me on the bottom, the woman on top and my wife
at home watching TV"


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*submitted by*
WMBAAS


SIGNS OF A BAD SECRETARY!
 
She has a hard time alphabetizing a bag of M&M's.
 
She doesn't get the hang of Post-it Notes.
 
You have to frequently scrape White-Out off her computer monitor.
 
At the board meeting for which she is recording the minutes,
she stops the proceedings to ask, "What did fatso say?"
 
Your customers come around only during her lunch period;
they peek around the door asking, "Is the coast clear?"
 
When she gets low on typing paper she asks you what to do;
you tell her to use copy paper.
She then takes a blank piece of typing paper
and puts it into the copy machine and makes 10 copies.
 
She rolls her hosiery to just below the knee and keeps it there by tying it in a knot.
 
The Ringling Brothers Clown College announces
that she has won a prize for her original make-up.
 
She tries to fax chocolate chip cookies to her daughter in college.
 
She staples her thumbs together more frequently than once a week.
 
Types 60 words per minute... but not in English.
 
She wears White-Out for nail polish.


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~AIKEN DRUM'S~ * a laugh a day *
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1313.html

NAKED CATERING
http://www.nakedcatering.com/index1.htm

~AIKEN DRUM'S~ * a laugh a day *
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/580.html

Serena's Guide to Divination and Fortune Telling using Phallomancy. Penis Reading.
Body Reading. The ancient art of phalloma
http://www.serenapowers.com/phallomancy2.html

Play with My Boobs
http://mirrored.flabber.nl/play.with.my.boobs/

Naked Aprons
http://www.nakedaprons.com/nakedaprons/naked.html

Guess What This Guy Loves
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/ilovebj.shtml

~AIKEN DRUM'S~ * a laugh a day *
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1355.html
Ewwwwwww

~AIKEN DRUM'S~ * a laugh a day *
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1046.html

*submitted by*
lindaklebe@webtv.net
Funny Pics - funny pics archive, priceless pics, mastercard, sexy girls.
http://www.funny-pics.net/html/p/picview/i/2350?c=1

~AIKEN DRUM'S~ * a laugh a day *
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/1050.html


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Rockin' and Rollin' makes no endorsement or warranty, expressed or implied, with regard
to featured products or services.  Results may vary based on operating
systems and other variables beyond our control


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Another issue on it's way to YOU! and another one already in the making!  So meet us back
here next week, same time - same place

but remember, no matter where you are or what you are doing,
never,
ever,
EVER
forget to

keep on rockin'
it's a state of mind


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©1999 - 2004 - Deborah Austin - All rights reserved and held by Rockin' and Rollin'

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