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Editor: DebsSweet
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Children Book Editor: Amanda260
Book Editor: Teacher310
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"..........my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and their like is better than yours -- *oooops* *ahem*
caught me singing again -- so how was the weekend eh? Did we have just a bit
too much to drink -- did we party way too much? I just bet you did and here I am just in time
to save your ass! Surf on over to the HAPPY HOUR section for some relief!
Don't miss the SURFIN section - there are some interesting links there - some of which
probably should be in the sillies! *sigh* tough job trying to figure out
where to put these links!! *smile*
Yes! It's that time of year when we get to write cute little things in the snow!
And yes, it's in yellow! Have fun with this in the SURFIN section.
Want your very own private table dance? You better head over to the NAUGHTY section
you crazy, oversexed hunks! Hurry!
If you would like to SIGN UP or BE REMOVED from this mailing list, please send an email
to me, DebsSweet@aol.com and your request will be handled promptly.
Be careful when surfing the Internet! I have checked each link submitted and they are in working
order as of this date. Always be aware of the risks out there and keep current with your
anti-virus software.
Kick up your feet and put your problems behind you
cause darlin', it's time to ROCK AND ROLL!
and don't forget to buckle your seatbelts, cause it's going to be a wild ride!
"Well, Deb, I am really impressed with the Rock and Roll email - it has just the right amount
of information for every learning peep. Keep up the good work and always waiting
for the next Rock and Roll. Nick from Maine"
RnickA
"It's all great and I am sure that all of it is useful to someone. I love it and appreciate all of
your hard work!"
Hoopdy TC 94
"Great ezine - I look forward to Monday mornings!"
ablofts@yahoo.com
v v v v v
The Top 14 God Billboards We'd Like to See
14> You've been coveting again, haven't you?
13> Sure, *you're* going straight to hell, but there's still hope for your kids.
12> Give me your money or I call your dog home.
11> Pray! You! Get onto my cloud!
10> Go back home now! Your wife's naked and Javier just pulled into the driveway.
9> Criminy, I invented the orgasm! What else do ya want?!?
8> No, I wasn't on your team's side, you wife-beating cokehead.
7> Wanna see a miracle? Pull my finger!
6> You realize that your dead grandma watches every time you
pleasure yourself, don't you?
5> Yo, dudes, J.Lo is a false idol.
4> An honor student, eh? Well *my* son rose from the dead, Chester.
3> Can you hear me NOW? Good!
2> That Madonna-kissing-Britney thing? My idea.
... and Topfive.com's Number 1 God Billboard We'd Like to See ...
1> If I'm your co-pilot, maybe you could go back and help
with the meals for the rest of this flight.
v v v v v
The only thing that has more bugs than my garden is my computer!
v v v v v
v v v v v
*submitted by*
lindaklebe@webtv.net
Life is NOT like a box of chocolates.
Life is like a jar of jalapeños.
What you do today
May burn your ass tomorrow.
v v v v v
*submitted by*
cher2@cfl.rr.com
Easy Chocolate Cake
8 bars of Semi Hershey's Chocolate Semi-Sweet Baking Chocolate, broken in little pieces( 8oz)
( I found some little semi sweet kisses in a 12 lb bag )
Melt them in micro but watch cause chocolate will burn - I did a minute at a
time till melted, I also put the vinegar in with it, let cool while
preparing the rest
3 cups of all purpose flour
1-1/2 cups of sugar
2 teaspoons of baking soda
1 teaspoon of salt
2 cups of cold water
2/3 cup of crisco oil ( or any kind of vegetable oil)
2 tablespoons of white vinegar
2 teaspoons of pure vanilla extract ( use a tad more if you like but not
much more)
Preheat oven to 350
grease and lightly power sugar the bottom of either 2 cake pans ( regular
square pans ) I used one 13 by 9 1/2 or similar
sift and stir all the dry ingredents together - add melted chocolate and the rest of liquids
beat at low to medium with mixer til smooth -
put in pan and bake for 30 to 40 minutes for 2 cake pans for about 40 to 50
minutes if making one big cake. Wooden tooth pick test til it comes out
clean it;s done, cool then I lightly dust with powered sugar - No icing.
v v v v v
Considering the Jack Russell Terrier's IQ
Along with their alert, energetic appearance, Jack Russell
Terriers should also exude intelligence, which they often do to a
maddening degree. The dog is quick to solve problems and is eager
to find ways around perceived barriers. All this quick thinking
makes the dog delightful to be around and humorous to watch. But
be careful. Many Jack Russells have been known to outsmart theirowners!
Charming and playful, the JRT is happiest in the company of his
owner, either snuggled up on a bed or curled up at your feet, but
always on the lookout for a good game of ball. Remember, however,
that the Jack Russell Terrier is far from a couch potato. He
needs regular play periods throughout the day to be truly content.
When at a loss for a playmate, the JRT is likely to create his
own entertainment, either by tearing through the house at
breakneck speed like a drag racer, by teaching himself to sit
like a gopher to get your attention, or by barking at you and
then running off to try to entice you to play. The bottom line
is, you have to have a sense of humor to appreciate a Jack Russell Terrier.
Get the lowdown on a popular breed in Jack Russell Terriers For
Dummies [ http://www.dummies.com/WileyCDA/DummiesTitle/productCd-0764552686.html ],
by Deborah Britt-Hay.
Related Articles
Managing Separation Anxiety in Jack Russell Terriers
[ http://www.dummies.com/WileyCDA/DummiesArticle/id-2056.html ]
Identifying Health Problems Common to Jack Russell Terriers
[ http://www.dummies.com/WileyCDA/DummiesArticle/id-2058.html ]
Getting the Basics of Jack Russell Terriers
[ http://www.dummies.com/WileyCDA/DummiesArticle/id-2055.html ]
v v v v v
IN OTHER WORDS....
* All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.
(All that Glitters is not Gold.)
* Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted.
(Beggars cannot be choosers.)
* Male cadavers are incapable of rendering any testimony.
(Dead men tell no tales.)
* Neophyte's serendipity.
(Beginner's luck.)
* A revolving lithic conglomerate accumulates no congeries of small,
green, biophytic plant.
(A Rolling Stone gathers no Moss.)
* Members of avian species with identical plumage tend to congregate.
(Birds of a feather flock together.)
Pulchritude possesses solely cutaneous profundity.
(Beauty is only skin-deep.)
* Freedom from encrustation's of crime is proximal to rectitude.
(Cleanliness is next to Godliness.)
* It is fruitless to become lachrymose of precipitately departed
lacteal fluid.
(There's no sense crying over spilt milk.)
* Eschew the implement of correction and vitiate the scion.
(Spare the Rod and Spoil the Child.)
* The stylus is more potent than the rapier.
(The Pen is Mightier than the Sword)
* It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine
with innovative manoeuvres.
(You can't teach an Old Dog new Tricks.)
* Surveillance should precede salutation.
(Look before you leap.)
* Scintillate, scintillate, asteroid minim.
(Twinkle twinkle little star)
* The person presenting the ultimate cachinnation possesses thereby
the optimal cachinnation.
(He who laughs the last, laughs the best.)
* Exclusive dedication to necessitous chores without interludes of
hedonistic diversion renders Jack a hebetudinous fellow.
(All work and No Play makes Jack a dull boy.)
* Individuals who make their abodes in vitreous edifices would be
advised to refrain from catapulting petrious projectiles.
(Those who live glass houses should cast no stones.)
* Where there are visible vapors having their provenance in ignited
carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration.
(Where there is smoke, there will be fire.)
* No remittance is given for actions which are taken counter to the
codified body of juries prudence.
(Crime doesn't pay.)
v v v v v
v v v v v
My Town Is Tough...
* Hotels that ask your name, address and next of kin to register
* Ice-cream trucks that play "taps"
* Gun shops that have "Back to School" sales
* High school newspapers with obituary columns
* Restaurants that serve broken leg of lamb
* Chapters of Jehovah's Alibiers
* Bowling alleys where most people bowl overhand
* Schools that require a sick note co-signed by a parole officer
* Christmas pageants that feature the three Wise Guys
* Advice columns with hints like how to get blood off of a chain saw
* A 911 emergency service with a two day waiting list
* "Honor students" who practice saying "Yes/No, your honor"
* Mothers who give their kids $5 every day for the holdup man
* The Girl Scouts sell nookie door to door.
v v v v v
Twisted Asshole
1 shot Vodka
1 shot Melon vodka
1/2 shot Peach Schnapps (Archers)
Splash of Blue Curacau (Bols)
Pineapple Juice
Orange Juice
Pour Vodka, Melon Vodka and Peach Schnapps into a shaker over some ice, top
the glass up with pineapple and orange juice (even amounts) and shake. Pour
into a long glass and add a splash of Blue Curacau for color.
Snow Cap
1/2 Tequila
1/2 Bailey's Irish Cream
Option #1: whichever of the two ingredients you like best, put on the top layer.
Option #2: combine both in another glass and pour into shooter glasses, this
gives a nice blend of flavors.
Jack Hammer
1/2 Jack Daniels
1/2 Root Beer Schnapps
Pour the Jack Daniels in first then add the Root Beer Schnapps to the top
and shoot it down!
Hangover Remedies
http://cocktails.about.com/cs/hangovers/
Hangover Remedies
http://www.nudetravelguide.com/hangover-remedies.php
v v v v v
Meeting the parents
A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents. He was
quite nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived punctually at
the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress.
The problem developed into one of acute flatulence and halfway through the young man
realized that he couldn't hold it in one second longer without exploding.
A tiny fart escaped.
'Spot,' called out the young woman's mother to the family dog lying at the young man's feet.
Relieved at the dog getting the blame, the young man let another slightly larger one go.
'Spot,' she cried out sharply.
I've got it made, thought the fellow to himself. One more and I'll be fine. So he let loose a really big one.
'Spot,' shrieked the mother, 'get over here before he shits on you.'
v v v v v
A man was caught for speeding and went before the judge. The
judge said, "What will it be....30 days or $30."
The man replied, "I think I'll take the money."
v v v v v
TAKE THE TEST...THEN COME OUT OF THE CLOSET!
1. If you are over thirty and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer
with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet.
2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a dog, but gay-it grooms itself constantly but never
scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And just think about how
you call a dog..."Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here!" Now think about how you call a cat..."Bun-bun,
come to daddy, snookums!" Jeeezus, you're fit to be framed, you're so gay.
3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight
man only sucks on bar-b-que ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigsfeet, or breasts. Anything else
and you are in training to suck El Dicko and undeniably a fag.
4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you're in a deep homosexual relationship.
A man's world is his bathroom, he defecates and urinates where he pleases.
5. If you drink decaf coffee with skim milk, you like a high hard one in the poop chute. Coffee is to be had strong,
black, and full aroma. A straight man will never be heard ordering a "Decaf Cafe Latte with Skim" and he will never,
ever know what artificial sweetener tastes like. If you've had Nutrasweet
in your mouth, you've had a dick there too.
6. If you know more than six names of colors or four different types of dessert, you might as well be handing out free
passes to your ass. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap as well as all
the names of all the players in the Major league, NFL, NBA, college ball, PGA, and NASCAR. If you can pick out chartreuse
or you know what a "fressier" is, you're gay. And if you can name ANY type
of textile other than denim, you are faggadocious.
7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it--you're hungry for a meat popsicle. A man only puts both hands on the
wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the punk off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio
station, eat a hamburger, hold his beer, or play with the bitch in the passenger seat.
8. If you enjoy romantic comedies or French films, mon-frere, vousle Gay, oui? The only time it is acceptable to watch one
of those is with a woman who knows how to reward her man. Watching any of the above films by yourself or with another
man is likely to result in SHC (spontaneous homosexual com- bustion), which is
what happens to fags when they flame out too quickly.
v v v v v
Autocomplete Everything
Of course, some of you like having your browser remember passwords and
usernames for you. All that's required when you go back to the site is a
quick double-click of the username box. Instantly, a little drop down box
appears with your username in it. Just click that username and it
automatically fills in both the name and the password for you. Cool huh?
In addition to passwords, it also helps you complete web site addresses
and assists in filling out web forms. Newer versions of IE and NS have
this enabled by default, older versions need you to turn it on manually.
Anyhow, you can tell Internet Explorer (5.0 or higher) which of these
features you want to use (and which you don't) by doing the following:
1. Open Explorer and click your Tools menu, Internet Options.
2. Next, select the Content Tab. You'll see a Personal Information
section. Click the Autocomplete button.
3. Check / uncheck the boxes you want to change, hit OK and you're all
set. Here's a quick breakdown of what each one does:
Web addresses - This autocompletes web site addresses as you're typing
them in the address bar. It's really handy if you have recently been at a
site and don't remember the exact name, just the beginning of the address.
Here's a tip-in-a-tip - If you're looking for a page on a certain web
site, but aren't sure what its address is, just type in the name of the
site (i.e. www.worldstart.com) and hit your down arrow. All the pages
you've recently visited at that site will be listed.
Forms - This one helps you fill out forms. Just start typing or
double-click the form field and you'll get a list of what you've entered
in the past for the same field. Doesn't always work, but it usually it
does (especially if you've filled out lots of forms :-).
User names and passwords on forms - This one will help you fill in your
user names and passwords. Usually just double-click the User name field on
a sign in form, select your username, and the password gets popped in
automatically (after you've done it manually the first time).
That's it. Note that you can enable / disable the password and regular
autocomplete features from this screen. Also note that this screen allows
you to clear out all of your passwords and form info should you need to.
Speaking of clearing out all your info, what do you do if you have an
entry or two that is incorrect? You know, maybe you accidentally typed
your address wrong once, and now every time you type your address in, you
get the little drop down with the incorrect address sitting there, mocking
you. What can you do? Is there any hope?
Yup—just arrow down to the offending entry and tap your Delete key. Poof! it's gone.
Now, for the Netscape Navigator way to do it: set up autocomplete by going
to Edit, Preferences, Privacy & Security, then click "Forms". By checking
off the "Form Manager" you can save information you use often, getting as
detailed (or vague) as you want by using the "Manage stored form data" option.
Finally, it should go without saying that using this autocomplete feature
is not a very secure way to use your computer. If anyone else has access
to it, they can easily get into any of your password protected sites plus
gain access to your personal information.
Steve
Computer Tips
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*submitted by*
ColleenBokelman
The Names of Heroes
http://www.vietnamdogtags.com/Names/names.html
Northeast Intelligence Network
http://www.homelandsecurityus.com/
REMEMBERING OUR HEROS - SPECIAL TRIBUTE
http://www.worldkarting.com/main/wka_heros.html
To Our Soldiers
http://www.army.mil/tooursoldiers/messages/1178.html
SOS - Support Our Soldiers !
http://www.opsos.net/poems/
v v v v v
*submitted by*
myrnadoman@comcast.net
Norman and his wife live in Calgary. One winter morning while listening
to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10
centimeters of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered
side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."
Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says,
"We are expecting 10 to 12 centimeters of snow today. You must park your
car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."
Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer
says "We are expecting 12 to 14 centimeters of snow today. You must
park..........." then the electric power goes out.
Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she
says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I
need to park on so the snowplow can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice, like all of us men who are
married to Blondes exhibit, Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in
the garage this time."
v v v v v
*submitted by*
JOHNRHAMBY
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY !
I know people who are fastidious.
I also know people who are slowtidious.
v v v v v
*submitted by*
Dottiesue16
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*submitted by*
WMBAAS
WEEK AT THE GYM - ONE MAN'S STORY
Dear Diary...
For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training
at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college
football team 25 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
Called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified
herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!
The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress...........
Monday:
Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when
I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess
- with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me
a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed
watching the skilful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my work-out today. Very inspiring.
Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding
it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
Tuesday:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made
me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air - then she put weights on it! My legs
were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made
it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
Wednesday:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the counter
and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.
Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that
my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning
and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got
on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate
an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and
enjoy life. She said some other shit too.
Thursday:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel
lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late it took me that long
to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran
and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment,
put me on the rowing machine - which I sank.
Friday:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human
being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, little cheerleader. If there were a
part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to
work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
the *&%#&*$% barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in
the sadist school you attended). The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
Saturday:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice
wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the
machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and
ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
Sunday:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD
that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my wife the bitch) will choose
a gift for me that is fun - like a root canal or a vasectomy.
v v v v v
World-Wide Webs
http://www.darsie.net/string/
I used to love doing this! String figures, movement, etc
*submitted by*
Granny B 132
UpChUcKy.CoM
http://upchucky.com/Home.html
Lots of games !
I now know that I do *not* have a future in baseball
PVS DrawingBoard
http://www.pvsusa.com/pvsdrawingboard/pvsdrawingboard.php
It's not a game - but it sure is fun -- and you can email it to someone
PuzzleBlog
http://everythinghurts.typepad.com/scrabblog/
Download and try it free
v v v v v
A guy meets this stunning woman at a bar and after an
evening of drinking they go back to her place. Within
minutes of arriving they're on the bed. He removes her
blouse and skirt and then pulls off his pants and shirt.
He gets on top and begins to make love.
After a while he notices that with each stroke he takes
her toes curl up! "Wow..." he thinks, "I AM GOOD!!!"
and intensifies his thrusting.
At this point she stops him.
"What's wrong?" he slurs, "I thought you were enjoying this?"
She says,"I'd enjoy it more if you took off my pantyhose!!!
v v v v v
Her Beauty Tips - Free beauty tips and advice for women and teens
http://www.herbeautytips.com/
Her Beauty Tips - Free beauty tips and advice for women and teens
http://www.herbeautytips.com/nailcare.html
Nail Tips
Her Beauty Tips - Free beauty tips and advice for women and teens
http://www.herbeautytips.com/plus_size_makeup_tips.html
Face slimming makeup tips
Her Beauty Tips - Free beauty tips and advice for women and teens
http://www.herbeautytips.com/plus_size_hair_styles.html
Face slimming hair styles
v v v v v
*submitted by*
WMBAAS
A radio station is running a contest where couples are
given two questions and if both partners give the same
answer to both questions, they'll win a great prize.
A husband decides to try his luck and calls in to the
radio station. The host proceeds to ask the first
question. "When was the last time you and your wife had sex?"
"Well, that would be Friday," the guy responds.
"Where did you do that?" the host asks.
"On the kitchen table." he responds.
The guy is put on hold and the radio host dials his
wife at home. The host explains the contest, and
proceeds to ask the first question. "When is the last
time the two of you had sex?"
"Friday," the wife responds.
"Where?" asks the host.
The wife starts stuttering and says "Do I really have to tell that?"
"If you want to win the prize, you have to," the host answers.
"Well...ok...from behind."
v v v v v
Windows XP Secrets to Faster Solitaire
If you need to take a break from a hectic pace, play a hand of
Solitaire, which is pre-installed on Windows XP. After you've
played that game for a while, most of the moves become second
nature. But if you're playing against the clock, in timed mode,
here are three secret ways to speed up your game.
* Double-click a card that's eligible to go in a suit
stack, and Solitaire moves it there for you.
* Right-click anywhere or press Ctrl+A, and Solitaire
automatically moves all the eligible face up cards onto
the suit stack(s). In effect, Solitaire plays all the
cards that are face up for you, moving them to the suit
stacks. If you right-click or press Ctrl+A and have
Solitaire play the face up cards for you, the
Game->Undo option undoes only the last card
that was moved.
* You don't need a mouse to play solitaire. Use the arrow
keys to move the pointer. Press Enter to grab a card,
press the left and right arrow keys to move it, and
press Enter again to release the card.
v v v v v
*submitted by*
cher2@cfl.rr.com
Two elderly Wal-Mart greeters were sitting on a bench at the entry way
when one turns to the other and says, "Slim, I'm 73 years old now and I'm just full of
aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, "I feel just like a new-born baby."
"Really, Like a new-born baby?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth and I think I just wet my pants!"
v v v v v
A young lady named Miss Annie Glass
Had a most beautiful ass
It wasn't pink
As you might think
But was gray, had long ears, and ate grass!
v v v v v
Grasses Grow Up
http://email.bhg.com/cgi-bin1/DM/y/aeTH0FcUfl0dj0FV6c0A2
Ornamental grasses can be enjoyed all winter long
Attracting Bluebirds
http://www.gardenguides.com/articles/bluebirds.htm
Keeping Ahead of Powdery Mildew
http://www.gardenguides.com/articles/powderymildew.htm
GIVE YOUR HOUSEPLANTS A SHOWER
Philodendrons, Rubber trees, and other large leafed
plants will enjoy a monthly shower over the winter
months. A few minutes in a lukewarm shower will clean
the dust from the leaves allowing them to breathe a
little easier, and will also rinse off any aphids and
whiteflies that may be hiding in your plant.
v v v v v
SEVEN AGES OF THE MARRIAGE COLD...
1st year ~
The husband says, "Oh, sweetie pie, I'm really worried about
those nasty sniffles you have! There's no telling what that
could turn into with all the strep that's been going around.
I'm going to take you right down to the hospital and have you
admitted for a couple days of rest. I know the food is lousy
there, so I'm going to bring you some takeout from Tosini's.
I've already arranged it with the head nurse."
2nd year ~
"Listen, honey, I don't like the sound of that cough. I
called the doc and he's going to stop by here and take a
look at you. Why don't you just go on to bed and get the rest you need?"
3rd year ~
"Maybe you better go lie down, darling. When you feel lousy you
need the rest. I'll bring you something--do we have any canned soup around here?"
4th year ~
"No sense wearing yourself out when you're under the weather.
When you finish those dishes and the kids' baths and get them
to bed, you ought to go to bed yourself!"
5th year ~
"Why don't you take a couple aspirin?"
6th year ~
"You oughta go gargle or something, instead of sitting around barking like a dog!"
7th year ~
"For Pete's sake, stop sneezing. Are you trying to give me
pneumonia? You'd better pick up some tissues while you're at the store."
v v v v v
Debsnewsletter - Archives
http://www.debsnewsletter.com/archives.shtml
v v v v v
Make your next vacation to Pisa
Town's got many a bosomy tease-a
You still have to pay
But may shout, "Hooray!"
In Pisa they'll always take VISA!
v v v v v
petswelcome.com
http://www.petswelcome.com/
The Internet's largest pet/travel resource center!
SOUTH BEACH WINE AND FOOD FESTIVAL
March 5-7, 2004 Miami Beach, FL
http://sobewineandfoodfest.com/ 305-348-9463
Now, here's a festival you should definitely try. With
special appearances and serious kitchen duty by superstar
chefs Emeril Lagasse, Alain Ducasse, Bobby Flay, Eric Ripert,
Alton Brown, Rachael Ray, Tyler Florence, Ming Tsai and
dozens of others, the third annual South Beach Wine & Food
Festival is set to turn up the heat on South Florida's
already-hot gastronomic scene.
World-renowned chefs and internationally acclaimed vintners
last year dazzled fest-goers as much with their delectable
treats as with their cooking demonstrations, wine seminars
and educational discussions.
"Anyone who truly loves food, wine and spirits comes here",
festival director Lee Brian Schrager says. "Whether they
participate in the entire weekend or attend just a part of
it, people understand that they will enjoy the highest
quality of offerings and an opportunity to learn something as
well, all in one of the most beautiful settings in the world,
South Beach in the winter."
v v v v v
Real-Life Motivational Slogans
chriswhite topfive.com
* Failure is not an option. For you, it's inevitable.
* Seek and you shall find. Find and it's your problem, so
better think twice about that seeking stuff.
* Your most inspired work will never be as frequently seen as
a fake nude of Britney.
* Just say "can't."
* Plagiarism: Anyone can be daring and original, but it requires
big brass balls to take credit without expending any effort.
YOU HEAR THAT, YOU "WACKY" RADIO MORNING SHOW LOSERS?!?
* There isn't that much difference between a "winner" and a
"whiner." Or a "wiener," too, for that matter.
* Don't forget: It's never too late to run away screaming.
* Unless you're the lead dog, the view never changes. But
hey, snickering at the lead dogs as they walk into all the
cobwebs and step in all the poop ain't such a bad life.
* Death: Remember, its cold, bony hand can be a comfort.
* Determination: Keep your eyes on the prize or you may
end up spending 20 years designing motivational posters.
Please, somebody shoot me!
* When the load gets tough, the tough get loaded.
* There's no "I" in "TEAM." And while you were busy spell-
checking, your co-worker took all the credit for that
project you were working on.
* Life is a marathon, not a sprint. So think twice before
super-sizing that next order of fries, tubby.
* Just shut up and drink the Kool-Aid.
* Marketing: "Efforting to shift the organizational paradigm
through dynamic manipulation of throughput structures" will
get you promoted, but "wanking in the executive washroom" will get you fired.
* Be honest with your neighbors. It's not just a good idea, it's Megan's law.
* Integrity: That and a buck will buy you some coffee while
everyone else is sleeping their way toward raises and bigger offices.
* Anything in the world worth doing is-- HEY! FREE BAGELS
IN THE CONFERENCE ROOM!
* A morning without smiles is like a workday.
* Moving ahead of your co-workers can be easy, provided you're
willing to risk several consecutive life sentences.
v v v v v
Learn Online Shortcuts
It doesn't seem like a big deal, but there are a lot of computer "shortcuts" that
can save you a second here and there. Check them out at AOL Keyword: Secrets of AOL.
Who's Using the AOL Service?
Have you considered using the AOL Member Directory in the following ways?
--Find a high school buddy or a college roommate.
--Meet a fellow hobbyist.
--Network with someone in your line of work.
--See who is online right now that shares your birthday.
Also try AOL Keyword: Match Chat.
Bumped Offline? Disable Call Waiting
If you have call-waiting on your phone service and you get a call while you're using AOL,
the call-waiting signal will interrupt your modem connection. Here's how to tell AOL to ignore another call while you're online.
1. On the Sign On screen, click Setup.
2. On the AOL Setup screen, click Expert Setup.
3. On the Locations tab in the Connection Setup window, click the number
(Connection) you want to edit, once, to select it.
4. Click Edit.
5. In the Edit Number (Connection) window, select the Dial
[*70,] to disable call-waiting -- check box.
6. Edit the default prefix, if it is not correct, and make sure there is a comma after it. Note:
You will have to edit each number in the location and make this change.
v v v v v
Rhonda was attending her High School reunion and was having a blast. As the evening was
drawing to a close, the master of ceremonies for the night proceeded to hand out bottles
of champagne to the graduates who had traveled the farthest distance to
attend the reunion, the graduate who had been married the longest time, the graduate who had
become the most successful, etc. And Rhonda wondered if she was going to get a prize too.
Sure enough, the master of ceremonies called out her name. "Rhonda, you win with 11 kids." and then,
trying to be clever, he added in "And champagne is only half the prize.
The other half is a giant, economy size bottle of aspirin."
"Don't bother with the aspirin," Rhonda replied.
"It's obvious with these many kids that I've never had a headache."
v v v v v
ALL Species Foundation
http://www.all-species.org/
The ALL Species Foundation is a non-profit organization dedicated to the complete
inventory of all species of life on Earth within the next 25 years - a human generation.
Genesis 6 GIANTS: A Pic is Worth Ten Thousand Words. . .
http://www.stevequayle.com/Giants/pics/skulls.html
Alien? Especially prolonged birth?
YELLOW SNOW FROM PANLOGIC
http://www.panlogic.net/yellowsnow/peeindex.html
Mary-Kate or Ashley.com
http://www.marykateorashley.com/
I don't know - maybe one of you will find this interesting?
The KnotPlot Site
http://www.cs.ubc.ca/nest/imager/contributions/scharein/KnotPlot.html
Here you will find a collection of knots and links, viewed from a (mostly) mathematical
perspective. Nearly all of the images here were created with KnotPlot, a fairly elaborate
program to visualize and manipulate mathematical knots in three and four dimensions.
You can download KnotPlot and try it on your computer (see the link at the site), but
first you may want to look at some of the images in the picture gallery. Also,
have a browse through the Guestbook or sign it yourself.
Brain Alphabet
http://faculty.washington.edu/chudler/alpha.html
Ok this probably should have been in the SILLY section!
snap your desk
http://www.snapyourdesk.barkins.com/
Does this look like *your* desk? Think of how much of your life is spent
at a desk - yikes! Submit your own pic, too!
BirdSource
http://www.birdsource.org/
Birding with a purpose
Paul Smith's Typewriter Art | Gallery
http://www.paulsmithfoundation.org/main_gallery.html
Don't miss this one!
*submitted by*
JCestari
E-cards and Web Cards by Jacquie Lawson, animated e-cards, Christmas cards
http://www.jacquielawson.com/
By far one of the best sites for e-cards
White Trash World - Deep-Fried and Doublewide!
http://www.whitetrashworld.com/
LOL!
Worth1000.com | Photoshop Contests | Are you Worthy™ | contest
http://tinyurl.com/2lda2
2003's Best Body Painting via Photoshop
Rideable Bicycle Replicas - www.hiwheel.com
http://www.hiwheel.com/
This gives new meaning to the phrase ''riding high'
What did you eat today? Real food eaten by real people.
http://www.foodpix.net/
Yikes - super closeups of food we eat!
v v v v v
I never married because there was no need.
I have three pets at home which answer the
same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that
swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late every night.
v v v v v
Google News Alerts
http://www.google.com/newsalerts
This is wonderful!
v v v v v
IF MEN RULED THE WORLD
* Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the
"public ugliness" ordinance.
* Tanks would be far easier to rent.
* Garbage would take itself out.
* Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."
* Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your
wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"
* Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only
occur in leap years. (Wouldn't help -- you STILL wouldn't remember!)
* On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off.
Mother's Day, too.
* St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same.
But it would be celebrated every month.
* Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the
pursuing Cops. Or to the crooks.
* The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night
Football from a Different Camera Angle.
* Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
* Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
v v v v v
Signs You're Watching Too Much Football
10. Before sex, you flip a coin to see who will receive
9. You've been banned from the A&P for spiking melons
8. To feel closer to some of your favorite players,you tear the cartilage in your knee
7. The kids bring home a good report card and you dump Gatorade on'em
6. Most humans: 75% water, you: 75% chip dip
5. During sex, you use a play clock
4. You pay $22 million to have Deion Sanders shovel off your driveway
3. For the last two months, you've been wearing nothing but a cup
2. You fell in love with your wife because she looks like John Madden
1. After sex, you go for the 2-point conversion
v v v v v
Quotes From Animal Romance Novels
"It had been tough growing up in the spotlight, alone,
separated from her by the jail house bars of a system
that didn't understand their love. But someday they
would be together again, and he would wait, counting
the days until she was released. After all, it was Mary
who had turned him from a little lamb into a young ram."
"His nose was cold. Colder than any nose that dared sniff her
before. She backed further into his muzzle."
"The muscular ram grabbed her by the wooly tuft on the back of
her neck and with a sinful gleam in his eye said, "You've
been a very baa-aa-aa-aa-aa-aad girl."
"His torrid affair with the donkey left him smelling like ass."
"His every pant brought forth a musky scent, and he growled low
in his throat and said, "Moan like a human, bitch!"
"My master crossed his legs provocatively, dangling one taut
lean calf over his knee. As his leg bobbed rhythmically,
his cuff climbed higher, revealing-- Hey! A squirrel!"
"Squeezing his octopus companion tightly with his tentacles,
Oliver felt shame as he prematurely released his ink."
"Polly's new man was like all the others. He never seemed to
ask what she really wanted, choosing instead to
insistently repeat his offer of a cracker."
"Timmy and Sally rested for several seconds, then began anew.
Then rested again. Followed by more loving. A brief nap.
Once again with the coitus. The bunnies simply could not
help themselves."
"He didn't need the love of a female. He didn't need a male,
either, for that matter. He was a worm. He had it all."
"Your bulging green eyes, your powerful jaws -- I think
I'm losing my head over you, darling."
"You have no idea how right you are, loverboy."
v v v v v
The computer virus--no cures to be found
Two decades and counting, the technology industry has yet to find a
blanket solution to the ever-growing list of viruses and worms that
constitute the greatest risk to computers on the Internet. Learn how we
ended up in such a problematic situation in the News.com special report.
READ FULL REPORT
News: The computer virus--no cures to be found
http://ct.com.com/click?q=32-Gx5IIrQC8NkatRDV3f0oUJgYNNlR
See also: Sysbug Trojan jumps on sexual bandwagon
News: 'Sysbug' Trojan horse says something about Mary
http://ct.com.com/click?q=d3-GZHkQJPt63xYxa5nCixI2G7HkHyR
v v v v v
Redneck Billy Joe Bob, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait
artist. His fame grew and soon people from all over the country we're coming
to him for paintings. One day, a beautiful young woman pulled up to his
house in a stretch limo. She asked Billy Joe Bob if he would paint her in
the nude. This was the first time anyone had made this request. The
beautiful lady said money was no object, she was willing to pay $50,000.
Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife, Billy Joe Bob asked the lady
to wait while he went in the house and conferred with his wife. In a few
minutes he returned and told the lady he was willing to do it. However, he
would have to leave his socks on so he would have some place to wipe his brushes.
v v v v v
*submitted by*
WMBAAS
v v v v v
Your fly is open.............
20. The cucumber has left the salad.
19. I can see the gun of Navarone.
18. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
17. You've got Windows in your laptop.
16. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
15. Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bell.
13. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
12. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
10. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
9. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
7. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
6. Dr. Kimble has escaped!
5. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...
3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY TO TELL SOMEONE HIS FLY IS UNZIPPED...
1. I thought you were crazy; now I see your nuts.
v v v v v
I don't need beauty sleep, I need a coma.
v v v v v
Closed For Wedding
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/closed.shtml
Alabama Penthouse
http://www.coopsjokes.com/toons19/red-suite.htm
*submitted by*
Granny B 132
Spoof Mail - Crazy Bone!
http://www.crazybone.com/spoofmail.html
http://members.iinet.net.au/~tactics/Toons/20021118-2.jpg
http://members.iinet.net.au/~tactics/Toons/20021118-2.jpg
Barn Owl
http://www.monpa.com/ba/exhibition1/barn.html
Bird poop art? ha!
~Eat Your Heart Out Honey~ - Humorous greeting cards free to send at Heartfeltgreets.com.
http://www.heartfeltgreets.com/eatyoursd.html
Just Poppin In
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/popin.shtml
*submitted by*
Jrtopcop
Mr. Wonderful
http://www.gagsplus.com/a/mrwonder.htm
v v v v v
Time To Get A New Life If....
* Your job requires you to wear a paper hat.
* You consider professional wrestling a sport.
* You know all the words to the Brady Bunch theme.
* You don't buy National Enquirer at the checkout....you subscribe.
* You get unnecessary haircuts, just to have someone run their fingers through your hair.
* The first four digits of your girl/boyfriend's phone number are 1-900.
* You really DO read Playboy/Playgirl for the articles.
* You play the accordion.
v v v v v
"You and your husband don't seem to have an awful lot in common,"
said the new tenant's neighbor. "Why on earth did you get married?"
"I suppose it was the old business of 'opposites attract'," was the
reply. "He wasn't pregnant and I was."
v v v v v
*submitted by*
Walter88
Why You Mean So Much To Me
http://www.funnygreetings.com/why.htm
FunForwards.com - Share some fun with everyone!
http://www.myfunstart.com/companion/index.cfm?pc=ptff
*submitted by*
myrnadoman@comcast.net
http://www.wtv-zone.com/Two-Hoots/CardsByThomas/BeautifulCards.html
http://www.wtv-zone.com/Two-Hoots/CardsByThomas/BeautifulCards.html
Cupid Junction
http://www.cupidjunction.com/index.cfm?cjtr=278&signup=yes
ROSES FOR ROSE
http://fayclark.home.texas.net/redrose.htm
v v v v v
*submitted by*
Kdr1938
New Viagra diet
A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. Would you like
bacon and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and
coffee?" she asks.
He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of homemade
soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?" she inquires.
He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like
maybe a steak and apple pie? Maybe a microwave pizza or a tasty stir-fry
that would only take a couple of minutes?"
He declines. "Naw, still not hungry."
"Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up? I'm starving!
v v v v v
Are Your Web Images Too Big?
http://www.worldstart.com/tips/internet-tips/web-images-too-big.htm
You know the drill. You land on a web page with this gigantic picture. You really want to
see the whole thing, but alas, it seems the only way is to use your scroll bars. Sure,
you could buy a bigger monitor, better video card, then crank up your resolution,
but there's just gotta be a cheaper way, right?
Continue at the site....
v v v v v
There's a church-sponsored basketball league in the
Atlanta area that makes awards to players at the end
of every game. Young players will get awards for best
defense, best offense, best sportsmanship, and an
award for being the most "Christlike."
I asked a mother how a player would qualify for that
award. "It's easy," she said. "If the crowd moans 'Oh,
Jesus!' every time one particular player gets the
ball, he gets the award."
v v v v v
*submitted by*
Granny B 132
Welcome to SFSKIDS
http://www.sfskids.org/templates/home.asp?pageid=1
Fun with music!
*submitted by*
lindaklebe@webtv.net
Lightspan, Inc. - Login
http://www.lightspan.com/
Award-winning products proven to increase student development
Humphrey
http://www.bennysmart.com/humphrey.html
Felix's Clubhouse | Abbeville Kids
http://www.abbeville.com/felix/
FunRanch.com: Home
http://www.funranch.com/index.htm
4Kids2Play Homepage, Flash-animations for kids
http://www.4kids2play.nl/eng/index.html
Yahooligans!
http://www.yahooligans.com/
v v v v v
Ninety-year-old man: "Yes! After all these years, I've finally kicked the habit.
I'm a free man. From now on, no more sex. I'm going to be celibate for the rest of my life!"
Friend: "Wow! What happened? Are you concerned about your declining health?"
Ninety-year-old: "No, I'm concerned about my declining wealth.
That darn Viagra was so expensive, I couldn't afford cigarettes."
v v v v v
Butterfly
This is a tool for editing the interface colors for any application.
Top Picks 1 Preview Page
http://pda.tucows.com/top_picks_A-preview.html
TracerPlus - BarCode Enabled
This program allows you to create data collection applications including inventory control...
Top Picks 2 Preview Page
http://pda.tucows.com/top_picks_B-preview.html
v v v v v
One night a man and a woman are at a bar downing a few beers. They strike up a conversation
and quickly realize that they're both doctors. After about an hour, the man says to the
woman, "Hey-how about if we sleep together tonight. No strings attached. It'll just be one night of fun."
The woman doctor agrees to it. So they go back to her place and they go into the bedroom. She
goes in the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. She scrubs
for a good 10-20 minutes. Finally she goes in the bedroom and they have sex for an hour or so.
Afterwards, the man says to the woman, "You're a surgeon,aren't you?"
"Yeah, how did you know?"
The man says, "I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started."
"Oh, that makes sense,"
says the woman. "You're an anesthesiologist, aren't you?"
"Yeah," says the man, a bit taken aback. "How did you know?"
The woman answers, "Because I didn't feel a thing."
v v v v v
A farmer wrote to a giant mail order company and asked the price of their toilet paper.
The company wrote back and told him to look on page #287. He wrote another letter back,
"If I had your catalog, I wouldn't need your toilet paper."
v v v v v
Clearer Liver Warning Urged for Painkillers
http://www.healthscout.com/template.asp?ap=409&page=newsdetail&id=509224
Arthritis-Backsprain Is the No. 1 Workplace Injury
http://www.healthscout.com/template.asp?ap=409&page=newsdetail&id=509011
Seniors-New Cataract Lens Allows Room for Improvement
http://www.healthscout.com/template.asp?ap=409&page=newsdetail&id=509266
Learn More About Rheumatoid Arthritis
http://www.healthcentral.com/bcp/main.asp?ap=409&brand=8&page=newsdetail&id=509064
Keeping an Anger Log
The first step in managing (and ultimately eliminating) much of
your stressful anger is knowing what it looks like and where it
comes from. A simple anger diary, or anger log, can help you
identify those times when you are angry and give you the
information you need to begin feeling less angry.
Simply enter in your log (a small notebook, a piece of paper, a
file on your laptop - whatever works for you) the times when
you became angry and what triggered your anger. Also, rate the
level of your anger using a simple 10-point scale, where a rating
of 10 means "very, very angry," 5 means
"moderately angry," and 0 means "not angry at all."
Take a look at this example:
* My child spilled juice on the couch. Importance: 3 My response: 6
* I missed my train by 1 minute. Importance: 2 My response: 5
* My boss blamed me for a mistake made by a coworker.
Importance: 4 My response: 7
* My computer crashed, and I lost the last hour's work.
Importance: 3 My response: 8
Tame that tension and get a hold on your emotions with Stress
Management For Dummies
[ http://portal.hungryminds.com/etip.asp?topic=dd20&promo=FeaturedTitles&link=www.dummies.
com/WileyCDA/DummiesTitle/productCd-0764551442.html ],
by Allen Elkin, MD.
v v v v v
When I was working as a clerk at a sporting-goods store, a woman
came up to my register with a package of white athletic socks.
"Will you open this up so I can see how the socks feel?" she asked.
Reluctantly I tore open the package, and she scrutinized the
merchandise. She handed me the package, saying, "I'll take them."
Relieved, I started to to ring her up, until she interrupted me.
"Can I have another pack? This one's been opened."
v v v v v
"Millions of years ago, there was no such thing as the
wheel. One day, some primitive guys were watching their
wives drag a dead mastodon to the food-preparation area.
It was exhausting work; the guys were getting tired just
WATCHING. Then they noticed some large, smooth, rounded
boulders, and they had an idea: They could sit on the
boulders and watch! This was the first in a series of
breakthroughs that ultimately led to television."
v v v v v
"A Houston woman who ran down a McDonald's restaurant manager after she
didn't get mayonnaise on her cheese burger was sentenced to 10 years in prison ... "
... Actually, a five-year sentence supersized.
v v v v v
A lonely girl who was very forward worked in a bookstore. She was
smitten with one of the delivery guys who would visit the store
regularly. During each delivery she made every effort to make sure
she told him she was divorced and available.
One day she came out and asked him, "Are you single?"
He answered her and said, "Well actually, I'm involved with someone."
"Oh" she said disappointed, "seems like the good ones always are."
"Well", he said, "Actually I'm involved with a married woman."
"Oh, really!" she said with a renewed interest.
"Yeah," he says, "but unfortunately she's my wife.
v v v v v
*submitted by*
LETSXOXO
v v v v v
"Quiz For Cats About Humans"
Your human walks into the kitchen. Does this mean?
a) It's hungry
b) It's lost
c) You're hungry
d) Let the begging begin
Your human puts down a bowl of food for you. Is this?
a) Supper
b) Something s/he obviously wouldn't eat
c) Something to keep you going till supper's ready
d) Inedible junk to be scorned in favor of what the humans eat
Your human removes you from the top of the television.
Does this mean?
a) You're in trouble - better not do it again
b) Nothing - humans do this from time to time
c) The human wants to play, so climb up again to amuse it
d) It is time to chew on the cable wire again
Staircases are for:
a) Getting up to the human's bed at 4am
b) Lying in wait in the dark at the top of
c) Walking down just slower than the human in front of it
d) All of the above
Your human talks/yells at you. You should:
a) Listen intently, even if you don't understand
b) Meow in acknowledgment and continue what you were doing
c) Ignore him/her completely; you're a cat, they mean nothing
d) Move on to the next annoying activity to encourage their talking behavior
Phone and electrical cords and strings from fabrics are:
a) Important to humans and should be left alone
b) Playthings and deserve your total attention; no matter what damage may result
c) Annoying and should be removed immediately Birds, small rodents
and large bugs should be:
a) Ignored (especially if your human wants them removed)
b) Played with until they stop playing
c) Presented to your human as a proud trophy
d) Hidden under your human's pillow for safe keeping
e) Consumed for their nutritional value
A human giving you a bath should be considered:
a) Under no circumstances
b) Under no circumstances
c) Under no circumstances
d) An act of war
e) All of the above
Your human's value is limited to:
a) Providing food
b) Providing water
c) Letting you out
d) Providing opposite-gender feline companionship
e) Leaving you alone
f) All of the above; if properly trained
v v v v v
v v v v v
Bill and Doug were having a beer at the neighborhood bar.
"What's the matter?" asked Bill of his buddy. "You look kind of down."
"My wife just told me that my lovemaking is just like a news bulletin."
"Why's that?"
"Because it's brief, unexpected and usually a disaster."
v v v v v
Afrophobia: Fear of the return of 70's hairstyles.
v v v v v
Pine Cones and Potpourri Have Been Recalled
http://www.safetyalerts.com/recall/p/02/p0013466.htm
The U.S. Department of Agriculture’s Animal and Plant Health Inspection Service
is announcing a national recall on pine cones originating in India. Recent imports of these
pine cones have been found to contain serious quarantine pests warranting
the removal of these items from store shelves.
ODI - Office of Defects Investigation
http://www-odi.nhtsa.dot.gov/cars/problems/recalls/recallsearch.cfm
Motor vehicle recalls
ODI - Office of Defects Investigation
http://www-odi.nhtsa.dot.gov/cars/problems/recalls/childseat.cfm
Child safety seat recalls
ODI - Office of Defects Investigation
http://www-odi.nhtsa.dot.gov/cars/problems/recalls/recallsearch.cfm
Tire recalls
and lots more at this site
v v v v v
"I wanted to have a career in sports when I was young, but I had to give up the idea.
I'm only six feet tall, so I couldn't play basketball.
I'm only 170 pounds, so I couldn't play football, and I have 20/20 vision, so I couldn't be a referee."
v v v v v
Vocal Dyslexia
There is a disease terrible that strikes 10 out of 1 Americans 15 every minutes.
Vocal Dyslexia it's called. An elment I've been lifing all my fight. It can warn
without striking and has no regard for case, read, or crolor.
Symptoms:
~ speechaled garb
~ backs coming out wordward
~ and an inability to sent a complete putence together
The victims: innocent people like you and pe
Sadly, Vocal Dyslexia is wilding liek spreadfire and there is no cureful symp, butthere is hope.
The dyslexia foundation has recommended these things 3:
3rd: at the first trub of signale phonsult a confition
2nd: stay in bed and drink flenty of pluids
1st: read as can as you much
For more information write: 999 Teenfifth Street,
Grand Mapids, Ricaghan
Thank you muchy ver.
v v v v v
HASH BROWN TATER CASSEROLE
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
INGREDIENTS:
2 pounds frozen hash brown potatoes
1/2 cup melted butter
1 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon pepper
1/2 cup onion, chopped
1/2 cup cream of chicken soup
1 pint sour cream with chives
2 cups grated cheddar cheese
1/2 cup celery, chopped
Toppings
2 cups crushed potato chips
1/2 cup melted butter
DIRECTIONS:
Defrost potatoes. Combine melted butter, salt, pepper,
soup and sour cream. Mix hash browns with onion, celery
and cheese. Mix in soup mixture. Pour into a greased 9x12
inch casserole dish. For Topping: Mix butter and chips.
Sprinkle on top of casserole. Bake in a 350 degree oven
for 45 minutes or until topping is golden brown.
Yield: 16 Servings
Cozy Up with Hot Cocoa
http://www.dummies.com/WileyCDA/DummiesArticle/id-2263.html
*submitted by*
Granny B 132
Ocean Spray Cranberries, Inc.
Consumer department staff fields questions on cranberries and offers recipes, cooking tips,
nutritional information, menu-planing work sheets and product information, 9 a.m. to
4 p.m. weekdays (closed Christmas Day, New Year's Day and other holidays)
2. Empire Kosher Poultry, Inc.
http://www.empirekosher.com/
Help is offered by consumer-affairs representivies 8a.m. to 4: 30 p.m. Monday through Thursday and
8 a.m. Friday. Program offers recipes, newsletter, tips on defrosting and cooking poultry.
Closed on Jewish and secular holidays.
3. McCormick - Home Page
http://www.mccormick.com/
Includes a holiday entertaining guide.
Creating your own Family Cookbook
http://www.dianaslegacy.net/cookbook.html
Slim Down Your Salad
http://email.lhj.com/cgi-bin1/DM/y/aepY0FcTsk0Me0FnOE0Ao
v v v v v
Receptionist says to a little old man, that will be a $5 co-pay please.
He hands her a $20, and she says "do you have anything smaller?".
He replies, "Yes, but I'm sure you don't want to see it."
v v v v v
v v v v v
*submitted by*
BillieJo50
A blonde buys a handgun at a local pawn shop because she thinks her husband
is cheating on her. When she gets home, she finds her husband in bed with a
another woman. The blonde grabs the gun out of her purse, loads it and
points it at her own head.
Her husband seeing this starts screaming at her not to shoot.
The blonde replies, "Shut up stupid! You're next!"
v v v v v
*submitted by*
Granny B 132
ScanDisk Has Restarted 10 Times Because Windows...
http://support.microsoft.com/default.aspx?scid=http://support.microsoft.com.80
/support/kb/articles/q222/4/69.asp&NoWebContent=1
Error Message: Windows Cannot Print Due to a Problem with the Current Printer Setup
http://support.microsoft.com/default.aspx?kbid=223420&product=wrd20
"Software Update Incomplete, This Windows Update Software Did Not Update Successfully" Error Message When Yo
http://support.microsoft.com/default.aspx?kbid=319585&product=wupd
Schedule Automatic Updates in Windows XP, Windows 2000, or Windows Server 2003
http://support.microsoft.com/default.aspx?kbid=327838&product=winxp
v v v v v
A retired husband is like having a grand piano in the kitchen.
It looks good, but the damn thing is always in the way."
v v v v v
You can train a cat to do anything it wants to do.
v v v v v
Mary goes to the doctor. After examining her thoroughly, the doctor is perplexed.
"I'm not sure what it is," he said. "You either have a bad cold or you're pregnant."
"Oh," says Mary, "I must be pregnant! I don't know anyone who could have given me a cold."
v v v v v
Kookie Jar free download. Also known as Near-Miss-Fortune-Cookies:Interim release of what aspires to be the best free signat
http://www.freedownloadscenter.com/Email_Tools/Mail_Signature_Tools/Kookie_Jar.html
This program for Windows 95, 98, ME, 2000 and XP which
generates signatures you may use with your favorite email or news program.
A signature is a small piece of text, automatically attached to every email
message or newsgroup posting. It typically includes a random quote a
so-called tagline. Download free at the above link
Desktop News - Your Personal News and Stock ticker
http://www.desktopnews.com/
Desktop News keeps you "in the know" by delivering a continuous stream of news and
information from your favorite Web sites direct to your desktop in a compact, customizable
ticker toolbar. Because its free and easy for any site to broadcast headlines to Desktop News,
you can choose from thousands of channels, gaining one-click access to the most popular and useful sites on the Web.
Desktop News is low-memory and low-bandwidth and won't take over your desktop
like other applications. And it's free to download and run!
urlybird - url capture agent
http://www.somewareonthe.net/urlybird.htm
Described as a system tray URL "sniffer", Urlybird holds
multiple URLs sent there via the Windows clipboard. When needed, they can
then be pushed to your default browser, sorted into folders, and otherwise configured.
WinGuides Software
http://esd.element5.com/product.html?productid=160423&languageid=1&affiliateid=73275%20.
TWEAK MANAGER. With this utility you can access hundreds of tweaks and
hidden registry settings to optimize your computer's performance. New
tweaks and settings are downloaded with the live update feature, networked
computers can be managed with remote registry settings, and changes can be
exported to standard registry files. For Windows 95/98/NT/XP/2K/ME
(emailStripper) PaperCut
http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm
emailStripper is a free program for cleaning the ">" and other formatting characters out of
your emails. It will restore "forwarded" or "replied" emails back to their original state so they're easier to read.
It's simple to use, and best of all it's FREE!
v v v v v
Rejected Sex Education Textbook Titles
* Harry Potter and the Human Reproductive System
* How Babies and Porn Careers Are Made
* Curious George and the Sweaty Back-Seat Fumbling
* Putting Out: A Girl's Guide to Popularity
* Just Don't Knock Her Up, Genius
* NO! Not There!!
* Why Billy Won't Stand Up In Class
* Friction and Spasms: What It's All About
* Of Course *Your* Mother Never Did It, But One Day You'll Want To -- Trust Us
* Six New Body Fluids YOU Should Know About
v v v v v
The Ladies at Lunch
Deb and Kate met for lunch one day to celebrate Deb's 45th
birthday. Noticing a locket around Deb's neck, Kate said, "I
suppose you carry a memento of some sort in that locket of yours?"
Deb answered, "Yes. It contains a momento of an old deceased friend -
- it's a lock of my husband's hair."
Kate exclaimed, "But your husband is still alive!"
Deb said, "I know, but his hair is gone."
v v v v v
*submitted by*
WMBAAS
Tips For Rednecks
TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is
still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
DINING OUT
1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your
fingers covering the label.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.
PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should
be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they
tend to detract from a woman's jewellery and alter the taste of finger foods.
DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to
go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will
say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it
is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
THEATRE ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
WEDDINGS
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a
cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6. Do not lay rubber while travelling in a funeral procession.
v v v v v
JustSayWow.com
http://www.justsaywow.com/p.cfm?p=/newfun4/friendjour.cfm
JustSayWow.com
http://www.justsaywow.com/p.cfm?p=/newfun4/arosefor.cfm
A rose for my friend
Best Friend
http://www.netlaughter.com/8novfriend/8novfriend.cfm
Send4Fun.com Greetings and Funpages
http://www.send4fun.com/heartof.cfm
*submitted by*
KP1983
Friends like you
http://www.angel9oh7.com/flashfriends43.html
FunForwards.com - Share some fun with everyone!
http://www.myfunstart.com/companion/index.cfm?pc=ptffl
*submitted by*
Jrtopcop
Sacred Pages.com
http://new.sacredpages.com/funpages/view.cfm/1447
v v v v v
Matters had progressed to the point where the freshman and his date were naked in the
motel bed when the girl had a change of heart.
"I suppose you're going to tell me now that you're waiting for 'Mr. Right'," he said dejectedly.
"That's a silly old romantic notion," laughed the coed. "I'm just waiting for Mr. Big."
v v v v v
I have abandoned my search for truth, and am now looking for a good fantasy.
v v v v v
Never argue with an idiot.
They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
v v v v v
v v v v v
Men are like ... soap operas
They're fun to watch, but don't believe everything you hear.
v v v v v
Kittens new to the world always ask me for advice on how to
interact with humans. Therefore, I impart to all kittens
around the globe the first ever:
Cat Diary Human Translator "HERE KITTY KITTY KITTY..."
...Means that humans want to take you somewhere, most likely
the vet. Avoid it.
"I HAVE SOMETHING SPECIAL FOR YOU!"
...Probably left over human food they were about to throw out.
"HERE'S SOME KITTY TREATS..."
...Most likely another foil wrapped appeals-to-a-human Madison
Avenue concoction. Real kitty treats are usually opportunities
when no one's paying attention and you get to lick the ice
cream in the bowl, or jump on the table for that great piece of
meat loaf.
"YOU ARE SOOOOOO CUTE!"
...You are about to rub noses with a human. They can never get
enough of our tiny fur coated bodies and irresistible faces.
Human noses are sooo warm. Ugh.
"YOU'RE IN MY CHAIR!" or
"YOU'RE TAKING UP TOO MUCH OF THE BED!"
...You picked the right spot. You are right where you should be.
"DARN CAT HAIR!"
...You left your hair out in the open where humans can see it
and properly clean it up.
"STOP THAT!"
...Means you were caught. Remember exactly where you were and
get back to it - once they leave the house.
"GET OUT OF HERE!"
...Do not take this personally. It's usually the first thing
they say after you wake them up by sticking your backside in
their face.
SNAPPING OF FINGERS:
...They want you to come over. If they want me, they'll come
get me. Otherwise, get a dog.
"I LOVE YOU..."
....Means just that. No translation needed here. And we love
you, too.
v v v v v
Never leave your wife's anniversary present in a
Wal-Mart bag.
v v v v v
News: The Mac at 20: What's in store for the future?
http://ct.com.com/click?q=ea-fjLyQhV9~6qTQ3Avg_iA3TwrtQlR
Apple has ridden a wave of innovation since it was first
introduced in January of 1984. Now the question is what will
Apple do for an encore in the next 20 years. Will Apple and the
Macintosh end up as a prominent footnote in computing history or
as a platform that sustained innovation and emerged as a market
leader across consumer and business domains? The author of this column
explores the possibilities.
v v v v v
The Top 9 Signs You've Joined a Bad HMO
9> Enemas aren't covered, but the doctor will be happy to slap
the s*** out of you.
8> The answer to every physical complaint you give: "Walk it off!"
7> The provider list is on a single sheet of paper. Double
spaced. Handwritten. In crayon.
6> You mean there are "good" HMOs?
5> Your doctor's claim that "None of my patients ever complain"
has a hidden meaning.
4> Participating providers? Check.
Pharmacy network? Check.
1-800-Get-Caskets on your ID card? Uh-oh!
3> Knife wounds are only covered if inflicted by gangs that are
also HMO members.
2> Ambulance crews demand cash up front.
and the Number 1 Sign You've Joined a Bad HMO...
1> HM-No!
v v v v v
Poison Fact:
Every 30 seconds a child is poisoned in the United States.
Sixty percent of all poisonings occur to children under the age of six.
Why call Poison Control first?
You may think calling your doctor first would be better than calling a center
located a long way from you. This may not be true.
Poison Control Centers are staffed with pharmacists and registered nurses, and they
are available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. They give emergency
information and may refer you to a hospital or doctor's office, but most poisonings
can be treated at home. And there is no charge for calling.
The specialists at the Poison Control Centers can provide treatment
recommendations for a variety of questions, such as:
• Treatment for poisoning
• Bites and stings
• Food poisoning
• Occupational poisoning
• Drug overdose
• Pill identification
• Plants
• Drug interactions and adverse reactions
• Animal poisoning
• Poison prevention
• Public education programs
v v v v v
FAMOUS LAST WORDS
What do you mean, "I'll be back"?
Why is the rest of the Star Trek landing party wearing a different color?
Pull the pin and count to what?
Which wire was I supposed to cut?
I wonder where the mother bear is.
I've seen this done on TV.
These are the good kind of mushrooms.
I'll hold it and you light the fuse.
What's that priest doing here?
You look just like Charles Manson.
Rat poison only kills rats.
OK, I'll go ahead and make your day.
It can't possibly rain for forty days and nights.
Just take whatever you want, this is a ghost town.
It's strong enough for both of us.
This doesn't taste right.
I can make this light before it changes.
Nice doggie.
Hey that's not a violin.
I'll just slip into the commuter lane for a second.
I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.
You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses on, would you?
v v v v v
Are you being played? A quick and easy 20 question quiz to help you determine if you are being played for a fool.
http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/I0A
New Quiz: Are you being played? -Teen Advice Guide Mike Hardcastle There
are few things more exciting or confusing than the early stages of a new relationship.
But when people first get together there may be some mixed feelings on both
sides and often these feelings translate into mixed signals.
True or False? Tests Stink!
http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/I0D
4,999 SAT Prep Vocabulary Words
http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/I0G
BBC - Teens
http://www.bbc.co.uk/teens/
Big Beautiful Teenz Section
http://size-acceptance.org/bbteens/
http://www.teentechmag.com/
http://www.teentechmag.com/
Y O U T H - O U T L O O K
http://www.youthoutlook.org/mainframe.php3
VerveGirl
http://www.vervegirl.com/
v v v v v
"Sales of accordions have increased 36%. So maybe the rise in
teen drug use isn't the most disturbing trend in society."
The Cutler Daily Scoop
v v v v v
A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine and
shaking it up and watching all the bubbles. A little while later a Priest came
along and asked the little boy what he had.
The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world,
it's called turpentine."
The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water.
If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant women's
belly, she'll pass a healthy baby."
The little boy replied, "You take some of this here turpentine and rub
it on a cat's rear and he'll pass a greyhound...
v v v v v
A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint
Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates.
She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and
all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw
her and began calling greetings to her "Hello, How are you ! We've been
waiting for you ! Good to see you."
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful
place ! How do I get in ?" "You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked.
"Love."
The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the
Gates of Heaven for him that day.
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm
surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been ?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died, her husband told her." I
married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And
then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived
in and bought a huge mansion. And, my wife and I travelled all around the
world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and
hit my head, and here I am. 'What a bummer. How do I get in ?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word ?" her husband asked.
"Czechoslovakia ."
Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry ... there'll be Hell to pay later.
v v v v v
Tips About Men´s Health, Of Interest To Men..., Prostate Pointers, Virility and Fertility
http://alternativehealth.lifetips.com/Cat.asp__Q__id__E__10170
AlternativeHealth.LifeTips.com
http://alternativehealth.lifetips.com/Cat.asp__Q__id__E__10170
Prostate Pointers
AlternativeHealth.LifeTips.com
http://alternativehealth.lifetips.com/TipSC.asp__Q__id__E__57842
Virility and fertility tips
v v v v v
How can you tell if a Southern wedding is a formal affair?
They've painted the shotgun white.
v v v v v
A somewhat daffy young lady went to an eye doctor to have her
eyes checked. She was certain that her vision had deteriorated
to the point that she would now need eyeglasses.
The doctor directed her to read an eye chart with the left eye
while covering the right eye.
The woman was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye
doctor, in disgust, took a paper sack with a hole to see through,
covered up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters.
As he did so, he noticed the woman had tears streaming down her face.
"Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get emotional about
needing eyeglasses."
"I know," agreed the woman, "But I kind of had my heart set on wire frames."
v v v v v
Hangovers are temporary; memories
are forever. Unless you were too
drunk to remember them, that is.
Brian Tobin
The other day I sat down on a park bench and
just watched the people go by, and I thought
to myself, "I should do this every day."
But that must be the Jack Daniel's talking,
'cause this *is* what I do every day.
Dominic Aquilina
I believe Janis, Jimi, Kurt, Elvis and all
the other dead rock stars are up in heaven
together, happily chatting, sipping Irish
coffees and exchanging musical insights.
Either that or farting and giggling.
Pam Pickard
At first I thought I was having a bad hair
day, but when I realized how much I'd lopped
off with my Weed Whacker, I realized that
it would probably be a bad hair six months.
Blaine Hofmockel
I can't help but wonder if "Oil of Olay"
is Pig Latin for something.
James Knowles
Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be cowboys.
Well, unless there's a good dental plan
and they get access to the company car.
Doug Sykes
Since the invention of the
calendar, our days are numbered.
Wiley
v v v v v
The Top 5 Signs Your Boss Is an Alien
5> Every time he walks by your cubicle, he has a fax in one
hand, coffee in the second hand and a cell phone in the third.
4> "I am not familiar with this Earth concept called "overtime pay."
3> You always seem to get an anal probe in lieu of a Christmas bonus.
2> The man conducts three-hour meetings without having to pee: That ain't human!
and the Number 1 Sign Your Boss Is an Alien...
1> "Behind schedule we are. Saturday you must work."
v v v v v
Deja Flu: The feeling that one has had this cold before.
v v v v v
*submitted by*
Granny B 132
The Top 15 Things Overheard on Britney Spears' Honeymoon
copyright chris white topfive.com
"Hurry, driver, get us back to our hotel room before she sobers up!"
"Yes, it's romantic to carry me over the threshold. I'm just saying it would be *more* romantic if your pants were still on."
"Am *too* a virgin! It doesn't count when you do it standing up."
"Okay, Jason, I gave it up. Now when are you gonna introduce me to Jerry Seinfeld?"
"Move! Go pee in the sink; I gotta puke again!"
"If anyone should see any reason why these two should not be wed -- other than their parents,
their agents, their immediate families, struggling musical artists who have way more talent, a public
that has grown tired of these kinds of ridiculous publicity stunts and humanity-at-large -- speak now or forever hold your peace."
"Hey, why is the bride on the cake dressed like a slut?"
"How long do you think this will last?"
"Ten."
"Ten what, honey?"
"9... 8...."
"You may now kiss the bride. And when Madonna's done, the groom can have his turn."
"Jason, you had me at 'I'm a TopFive contributor.'"
"You didn't use a condom?!? Well, don't worry -- we can get *that* mistake annulled, too."
"Well, we still had more sex than Liza and David Gest and Michael and Lisa Marie combined."
"Hello, room service? I have a complaint: Someone has already eaten my Pop Tart."
"It's not pierced; it was wired shut by my record label."
and the Number 1 Thing Overheard on Britney Spears' Honeymoon...
"You are soooo cute. Look at you! You are absolutely adorable. You are--
I'LL BE RIGHT OUT, JASON... I'M IN THE BATHROOM!"
v v v v v
Actual excerpts from classified sections of city newspapers:
* Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals,
and smacks included.
* Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once,
you'll never go anywhere again.
* Illiterate? Write today for free help.
* Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
* Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
* Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
* 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
* Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
j
* Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
* Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00
* For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
* Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
v v v v v
The businessman came home form work about 6 pm. He'd
barely gotten in the door before his wife greeted him
with a passionate kiss. Then she pulled him into the
bedroom, pushed him down on the bed, unzipped his fly,
and began to give him a fantastic blow job.
Not daring to interrupt her, he waits until he has
gotten off in a mighty explosion, which his wife
slurps up eagerly and swallows.
He stares fondly at her, then asks, "All right, dear,
what did you do to the car THIS time?"
v v v v v
RebatesHQ.com
http://www.rebateshq.com/clients/parago/rebates/index.jsp
RebatesHQ.com helps you find and submit the proper paperwork for your
rebate. You can even submit and track your reimbursements online. There
are also tips to help ensure your rebate doesn't get lost in a
bureaucratic nightmare.
Soccer Training Information
http://www.soccer-training-info.com/
You'll learn new tips, skills, strategy, dribbling, shooting and passing
*submitted by*
Granny B 132
Dubber's Freeware Link Empire - Web Links
http://freewarelinkempire.imboring.com/gate.html?name=Web_Links
Freeware links
Computers Available For Disabled
http://www.makoa.org/psa/computer.htm
Parent Finders (Ottawa) Adoption / Reunion
http://members.aol.com/pfncr/index.html
v v v v v
*submitted by*
GuilfordWatson
Why Men Lie
One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river,
his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and
asked, "Why are you crying?"
The woodcutter replied that his axe has
fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.
The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your
axe?" the Lord asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your
axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three
axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.
Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the
River bank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the
Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez.
"Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the woodcutter.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding.
You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You would have come up with
Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no' to her, You would have come
up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given all three to me.
Lord, I am a poor man, and I am not able to take care of all three
wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez."
The moral of this story is: whenever a man lies, it is for a good and
honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.
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*submtted by*
Barb2c4u
Report: A third of spam spread by RAT-infested PCs | CNET News.com
http://news.com.com/2100-7355-5113080.html?part=dht&tag=ntop
"There are lots of people on cable modems and broadband connections that haven't
properly secured their computer," he said. "They don't know it, but their PC is being
used as a relay for sending spam to thousands and thousands of other people. We believe
that 30 percent of all spam"--or unsolicited commercial e-mail messages--
"is being sent from compromised computers."
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Worst Breakup Excuses
"I'm sorry, but there just isn't room in my life right now
for both you and my vibrator."
"Dear Christine: By the time you read this I'll be a woman ... "
"My penis, uh, fell off, and I, er, lost it... yeah -- on
the subway, I think."
"It's not *you*, it's me. Specifically, me would like to
sleep with your sister."
"Funny thing, Ellen, but as it turns out, I *do* like men after all."
"I fear my friends have grown tired of hearing of my many orgasms
with you, and I don't want to lose their friendship."
"We have conflicting beliefs: You believe in the fundamental truth of Catholicism,
while I believe in sleeping with someone else from now on."
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Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol
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"The only way to have safe sex is to abstain. From drinking."
Wendy Liebman
"Women and cats will do as they please and men and dogs should
relax and get used to the idea."
Robert A. Heinlein
"None of the other Democratic candidates saw Gore's
endorsement coming. Here's my question. If these guys want
to be Commander In Chief, shouldn't they have seen this one
coming? Forget predicting what Osama bin laden is going
to do; they can't even predict what Al Gore's gonna do."
Jay Leno
"A group of scientists in Boston announced that they
have successfully grown human teeth in a laboratory
for the very first time. This is great news for
dentists and even better news for guests on the Jerry Springer show."
Conan O'Brien
"MSNBC is reporting that Britney Spears is very upset because
the new doll based on her doesn't resemble her. Have you seen
the doll? It has blonde hair, plastic breasts, and you pull a
string and a pre-recorded voice comes out. What part did I miss?"
Jay Leno
"Male sexual response is far brisker and more automatic. It is
triggered easily by things--like putting a quarter in a vending machine."
Dr. Alex Comfort
"The good people sleep much better at night than the bad people. Of
course, the bad people enjoy the waking hours much more"
Woody Allen
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What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable
while the other is giving birth.
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A young couple got married, and the husband thought this would
be a "marriage of the 90's" -- equal roles for equal partners.
So, the first morning back from their honeymoon, he brings his
wife breakfast in bed.
She wasn't impressed wit his culinary skills, however. She
looked disdainfully at the tray, and snorted, "Poached? I
wanted *scrambled!"
Undaunted, the next morning, the young man brings his true
love a *scrambled* egg.
She wasn't having any of it. "Do you think I don't like variety?
I wanted *poached* this morning!"
Determined to please her, the *next* morning he thought, "third
time's a charm" and brought her *two* eggs -- one scrambled and one poached.
"Here, love, enjoy!"
"You scrambled the wrong egg."
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Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so
he sent his wife Mary Louise to the hardware store.
At the hardware store Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot on a top
shelf while she was waiting for Joe Bob, the manager, to finish
waiting on a customer.
When Joe Bob was finished, Mary Louise asked how much for the teapot.
Joe Bob replied, "That's silver and it costs $100!"
"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary Louise exclaimed.
Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her to
buy, and Joe Bob went to the backroom to find it.
From the backroom Joe Bob yelled, "Mary Louise, you wanna screw for that hinge?"
To which Mary Louise replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."
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*borrowed from*
shinyhappyhead
shiny happy HEAD :: shiny happy heads RULE ::
* 
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Women can be so annoying!
We made love until 4 AM in my apartment...
She then asked for bus fare to get home!
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What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a
single 40-year-old man?
The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the
man thinks often about dating them.
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I was sitting on my porch, when a young man walked up with a
pad and pencil in his hand. "What are you selling young man,"I asked.
"I'm not selling anything," the young man said. "I'm the
Census Taker. We are trying to find out how many people are in
the United States."
"Well," I answered. "You're wasting your time with me, I have
no fucking clue."
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Surviving PMS - For Men
Q: What can I do to end the havoc created every 28 days?
A: Absolutely nothing.
Q: Will it ever end?
A: Sure, but you'll be so old you won't notice.
Q: Why is it that I'm wrong so much during this awful time?
A: You just are; cope with it. Someone must bear the blame.
Q: Can I just pack up and go out with the boys?
A: Sure, but only if you are heavily insured and have a death wish.
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A rabbi who hailed from Peru,
Was vainly attempting to screw.
His wife said "Oy vey,
If you continue this way,
The Messiah will come before you do!"
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Confessions of a Car Salesman
http://aolsvc.edmunds.com/advice/buying/articles/42962/article.html?
tid=edmunds.a.landing.buying..4.*
New Cars
http://aolsvc.edmunds.com/new
Browse the 04's
New car incentives, auto rebates, dealer incentives at Edmunds
http://aolsvc.edmunds.com/incentives/RebateController?step=1&setzip=20190
&tid=asv.n.incentivesindex.incentives.1.1.*
Comparator Getting Started
http://aolsvc.edmunds.com/apps/nvc/edmunds/VehicleComparison?tid=edmunds.n.
mainindex.shortcuts..4.*
Auto advice: car buying, auto leasing, car insurance at Edmunds
http://aolsvc.edmunds.com/advice/?tid=asv.n.nvc.globalheader..4.*
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Two old farmers had hauled a truck load of squirming hogs eighty
miles from their west Kansas farm to the nearest market. The old
truck had overheated twice; the hogs were keeping the truck rocking,
even when it was stopped, and the hot summer Kansas wind was drying them out fast.
Within three miles of the market, they passed a tavern and pulled in
for a couple of draft beers. The place was dimly lit and air
conditioned. After about 20 minutes, one says to the other, "It's
going to be really hard to get up, but I recon we ought to."
About that time, a quite obvious prostitute walks up to the bar,
works her way in between them, and says, "You guys look about ready
for action. I'll do anything you want me to do for $60."
The old farmer pulls three $20 bills out of his pocket and
replies, "Here you go, Ma'am; drive that load of hogs to the Maple
Street auction barn."
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Definition of a will: It's a dead giveaway.
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The Top 9 Relationship Tips for New Years Eve 3003
9> Finally put to bed that argument about whether 3000 or 3001
was actually the start of the new millennium.
8> "My dear, unrestrained celebrations of invented holidays are
the hallmark of primitive civilizations, and an advanced,
intelligent race such as ourselves has no interest in
antediluvian displays of emotion. Aww, hell... let's par-TAY!"
7> Make sure the downfall of mankind in 3004 ensures that TopFive
contributors get girlfriends, wives, mistresses, money,
respect, cotton candy, comped drinks and technology to build
a Heat-seeking Moisture missile!
6> Snuggle with your honey and a bottle of champagne in front of
the holovision, and watch the scale model of the grand unified
theory drop at New Times Square with Dick Clark.
5> Women prefer you have your DNA spliced with the recovered
genetic material from Oliver Wendell Holmes, not John Holmes.
4> Stay at home and order in a Soylent-Green Lovers' pizza.
3> This is a good time to tell tall tales from the past, such as
how sexual reproduction used to be necessary.
2> To impress your date, pick her up at her Wal-Mart apartment
and whisk her off to drinks at the Wal-Mart Winery, dancing at
the Wal-Mart DanceArcade, dinner at the Wal-Mart Bistro and
a movie at the Wal-Mart Cineplex.
and the Number 1 Relationship Tip for New Years Eve 3003...
1> 001011001110001011101011101010110101101011010110101111010
11011!
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Sinulate Entertainment Home Page
http://www.sinulator.com/
The Sinulator lets anyone control your sex toy over the Internet -- oh come on??!!
Simple Harmonic Motion
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/harmonicmotion.shtml
Cards-n-Toons: Animating the world
http://www.cards-n-toons.com/view.php?c=SVM&card=humor_peepshow&m=Yes&p=Yes
ApeChild Lore - How the Internet Made My Life Better
http://www.apechild.com/lore/spam.php
Funny Stuff!
My Porn Name
http://www.mypornname.com/
In case you missed this one - here it is again - hehehe
Tests, Tests, Tests: iq tests, personality tests, intelligence tests, aptitude tests, attitude tests, personality, intellige
http://www.queendom.com/tests/personality/sensuality_access.html
Sensuality Test
*submitted by*
JOHNRHAMBY
Do You Fuck On The First Date
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/dyfotfd.shtml
Sobriety Test For The Ladies
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/sobriety.shtml
SleazyBars :: Find your sleazy bar here !
http://www.sleazybars.com/
Just the site for every respectable person out there! *sigh*
Welcome to Stringfellows' Virtual Dancer
http://www.stringfellows.biz/dancer.htm
Yeah! Your very own personal table dance!
*submitted by*
Jrtopcop
Sabotage: Desktop Settings
http://www.liquidgeneration.com/sabotage/desktop_sabotage.asp
2. Naughty.Strip-a-gram.com
http://naughty.strip-a-gram.com/
Auctions.Playboy.Com
http://www.playboy.com/commerce/playboyauctions/
Yeah - you might like this site!
~AIKEN DRUM'S~ * a laugh a day *
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/152.html
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My cow died last night so I don't need your bull.
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Rockin' and Rollin' makes no endorsement or warranty, expressed or implied, with regard
to featured products or services. Results may vary based on operating
systems and other variables beyond our control
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Another issue on it's way to YOU! and another one already in the making! So meet us back
here next week, same time - same place
but remember, no matter where you are or what you are doing,
never,
ever,
EVER
forget to
keep on rockin'
it's a state of mind
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©1999 - 2004 - Deborah Austin - All rights reserved and held by Rockin' and Rollin'
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