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to
Editor: DebsSweet
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Hey you good looking, gainfully employed, teeth-flossing,
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For those of you who would like to bring their Windows2000 workstation up
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from Microsoft
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onboard technology, entertainment, communications, etc!
If you are interested in taking a VACATION, this is the issue to see - Consumer Reports
has rated hotels, theme parks, cruise lines, etc.
Don't miss the HEALTH section -- lots of links to keep on hand!
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anti-virus software.
Kick up your feet and put your problems behind you
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PmsZone
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LEVIS IN GEORGIA
"I'm always looking forward to something new on Deb's site. The graphics are really cool and the jokes make you
roll on the floor laughing. Way to go Deb!"
JELEEBS
v v v v v
An Amish couple had just been married and went to a hotel for their
honeymoon. The Amish man went to the front desk and asked for a room. He
said this occasion was very special to them and they needed a good room.
The clerk winked and asked, "Do you want the Bridal?
The Amish fellow thought about it a while and then replied, "No, I guess
not, I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it."
v v v v v
Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned
v v v v v
Beware! Life is sexually transmitted!
v v v v v
v v v v v
I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word
Perfect Helpline which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care
department. Needless to say the HelpDesk employee was fired; however he/she is currently
suing the WordPerfect organisation for "Termination without Cause."
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee
(now I know why they record these conversations!)
"Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes -the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power failure."
"A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals
and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it.
Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
v v v v v
*submitted by*
APPMFRANCO.wmconnect.com
Fact Monster: Online Almanac, Dictionary, Encyclopedia, and Homework Help
http://www.factmonster.com/
2. SearchBug - The Most Useful Searches
http://www.searchbug.com/
3. The Monster List of Quit Smoking Links
http://www.mindspring.com/~fredk/quitsmoking/
4. The Boardman Web-party ideas, website design, rattery
http://boardmanweb.com/
5. Magatopia.com - Free Online Magazines - Just Click and Read
http://www.magatopia.com/
6. timeanddate.com
http://www.timeanddate.com/
Time zone menu, date menu, world clock, etc.
7. Identity Theft Prevention by Johnny May - home page
http://www.identitytheftinfo.com/
*submitted by*
ColleenBokelman
404: Page Not Found
http://www.acm.uiuc.edu/rml/Gifs/Farside/
Alert!
http://www.markfiore.com/animation/alerts.html
*submitted by*
myrnadoman@comcast.net
~*~ Internet Queen ~*~
http://www.spiritisup.com/internetqueen.html
Icon War
http://www.divstivs.plus.com/iconwar/
This is way cool
The Road Rage Test
http://www.queendom.com/tests/minitests/fx/road_rage.html
I bet you don't need a test to tell you this LOL
Toast
http://www.fa-art.pp.se/toast.htm
Art made from toast...
Artificial Structures on Mars
http://www.metaresearch.org/solar_system/cydonia/asom/artifact_html/default.htm
whichbook.net
http://www.whichbook.net/index.jsp
Welcome to whichbook.net! A completely new way of choosing
what to read -- OR you could take our advice *smile*
Worst Case Scenarios
http://www.worstcasescenarios.com/
*** ArtByMath Gallery ***
http://www.jpgbymath.com/
Award-winning fractals
SOUNDBOARDS.COM
http://www.soundboards.com/
The goal at soundboards.com is to create the largest
collection of soundboards on the web. This site is great for
prank callers, radio DJs and the like. . . and it's Free!
Jailbait or Legal. A photo quiz
http://www.top-greetings.com/G.py?P=/art/477/
Can YOU tell?
whatsbetter?com
Here you will find two random things
pitted against each other in a competition to find out
which is better.
For example: Choose between Noah's Ark or the Rolling Stones
1972 Tour. Amazingly more people chose the Stones
Dumbentia - Parody Gallery 2002
http://http.edge.ru4.com/smartserve/ad?placement=pl-0244-076&invocation=1000&pr=http://www.
burstnet.com/ads/ad3511a-map.cgi/BCPG17629.35076.37236/BURSTURL=
.s.p.e.c.i.a.l.d.e.f.e.c.t.s.
http://www.specialdefects.com/index2.html
whoa - check out the heart!
Angel Doorway Bubble Magick
http://www.angeldoorway.com/BubbleMagick/
amorphoscapes by stanza
http://www.amorphoscapes.com/
Phoons from Around the World
http://www.phoons.com/
People from around the world send in Phoon pictures from their
home towns and their travels. You can, too! To learn more
about Phooning and to find out who's doing it, click the link above!
Your Weight On Other Worlds
http://www.exploratorium.edu/ronh/weight/
Ever wonder what you might weigh on Mars or the Moon?
Government Guide: Do Not Call Lists
http://www.governmentguide.com/consumer_services/donotcall.adp
Just say no to telemarketing
Diaryland!! online diary - fun, free online diaries you can update through your browser!
http://www.diaryland.com/
http://www.chinapaint.com/eng/flash/colorandme_en.swf
http://www.chinapaint.com/eng/flash/colorandme_en.swf
Personality test - fun!
The Best Man
http://boss.streamos.com/wmedia/budweiser/bud/bud_films/650_bestman.wvx
Check out this Budweiser short film dedicated to the worst
best man in the world. You won't believe how many times
this guy sticks his foot in his mouth.
Bob Dress Up! HOLLYWOOD EDITION
http://www.bobfromaccounting.com/bobdressup2.html
Annual Meeting
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/annualmtg.html
Your Tax Dollars At Work
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/atwork.html
v v v v v
Bob got a new job as a bartender. A patron ordered a Manhattan. When Bob
served the drink, there was a piece of parsley floating in the glass.
"What in the world is this?" asked the man. Bob peered into the glass
and replied, "That's Central Park."
v v v v v
Ah...summer time. A time when many of us strap a car under
our backsides and hit the road. Below are some unusual sight-
seeing destinations, and some that I made up. Can you deter-
mine which are the real tourist traps from the ones my goofy
mind invented?
1) In Arcola, Illinois, you can see:
a. The Hippie Memorial b. A 50-foot long, 12-foot high
caterpillar c. The world's largest ball of aluminum foil
2) In Beaumont, Texas, you can see:
a. A 12-foot statue of Hugh Beaumont (Beaver Cleaver's TV
dad)
b. A 24-foot tall fire hydrant c. A three-story "executive"
outhouse
3) In Buffalo, New York, you can see:
a. A waterfall that runs uphill b. A building made of dried
dung c. Surapa, the Painting Elephant
4) In Puente, California, you can see:
a. A man that lives inside a hollowed out tree b. A drive-
through donut c. The Left-handed Museum
5) In Ottawa Lake, Michigan, you can see:
a. A 42-foot tall Uncle Sam b. A 100-square foot block of
solid concrete c. A wax museum of cartoon characters
6) In Los Angeles, California, you can see:
a. Tess, the 50-ft. tall woman with visible organs b. A
rubber house with cement furniture c. The world's largest popcorn ball
7) In Stanton, Iowa, you can see:
a. A 60-foot tall corn plant (plastic) b. A 120-foot cof-
fee pot c. A giant statue of a cow and hog dancing
8) In Hamden, Connecticut, you can see:
a. A giant statue of Mother Goose b. The world's shortest
natural river c. The Ghost Parking Lot Project
9) In Yarmouth, Maine, you can see:
a. An upside down house b. Eartha, the world's largest ro-
tating globe c. Max, a monkey that serves food at Kay's Diner
Answers below, here's the scoring:
9 correct: You must own the web site I got these from. Thanks.
5-8 correct: You must have bookmarked the site I got these from.
1-4 correct: Aw...yer just lucky, though wayfaring stranger.
0 correct: You're like me...sorry about that.
1) a. The Hippie Memorial
2) b. A 24-foot tall fire hydrant
3) c. Surapa, the Painting Elephant
4) b. A drive-through donut
5) a. A 42-foot tall Uncle Sam
6) a. Tess, the 50-ft. tall woman with visible organs
7) b. A 120-foot coffee pot
8) c. The Ghost Parking Lot
9) b. Eartha, the world's largest rotating globe
PS - All these locations were found at Roadside America:
Roadside America
http://www.roadsideamerica.com/
v v v v v
v v v v v
It has been known for many years that sex is good exercise, but
until recently nobody had made a scientific study of the caloric
expenditure of different sexual activities. Now after original
and proprietary research they are proud to present the results.
REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent....................... 12 Calories
Without her consent.................... 187 Calories
OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands........................ 8 Calories
With one hand.......................... 12 Calories
With your teeth........................ 85 Calories
PUTTING ON A PRESERVATIVE:
With an erection....................... 6 Calories
Without an erection.................... 315 Calories
PRELIMINARIES:
Trying to find the clitoris............ 8 Calories
Trying to find the G-Spot.............. 92 Calories
POSITIONS:
Missionary............................. 12 Calories
69 lying down.......................... 78 Calories
69 standing up......................... 112 Calories
Wheelbarrow............................ 216 Calories
Doggy Style............................ 326 Calories
Italian chandelier..................... 912 Calories
ORGASMING:
Real................................... 112 Calories
False.................................. 315 Calories
POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging................... 18 Calories
Getting up immediately................. 36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately......816 Calories
GETTING A SECOND ERECTION: If you are:
20-29 years old........................ 36 Calories
30-39 years............................ 80 Calories
40-49 years............................ 124 Calories
50-59 years............................ 972 Calories
60-69 years............................ 2916 Calories
70 and over......................... Results are still pending
DRESSING UP AFTERWARDS:
Calmly................................. 32 Calories
In a hurry............................. 98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door... 1218 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door.... 3521 Calories
v v v v v
* This cute. perky actress picked up a bag of $25 French gourmet
biscuits and started snacking on them on her way to the checkout
register. The salesclerk, trying not to embarrass the star quietly
told her they were gourmet DOG biscuits. Not knowing French, the
actress didn't know and good naturedly told the clerk she would
take the rest and share them with her dog......Guess Whoooooooo
Renee Zellweger
* Singer Brandy and her husband, music producer Robert Smith are
ending their marriage. No reason is being given, but the couple
say they will remain friends and raise their daughter jointly...
* Before giving permission to do a wax figure at Madame Tussaud's
in New York, Jennifer Lopez insisted on having final approval of
the finished product. After looking at her sculpture, J. Lo
demanded the sculptors get rid of 10 pounds off of her butt.
The wax sculptors balked at her demand, saying that they take
pride in making their figures true-to-life. J. Lo insisted and
the new, smaller tushed figure just went on display....
* While in Vancouver for a week of filming, this high-demanding,
high maintenance star demanded a new bed in the hotel she was
staying in because she refuses to sleep in a bed that had been
used by other people......................Guess Whoooooooooooo
Jennifer Lopez
TrashyTabloids
v v v v v
BLUEBERRY BOG SPARKLER
Mix 3 cups BLUEBERRY-CRANBERRY DRINK with 2 cups prepared LEMONADE in a large
pitcher. Chill well. Just before serving, stir in 1 1/2 cups icy cold GINGER ALE.
v v v v v
v v v v v
GINGER-LIME COOLER
Pour 4 1/2 cups GINGER BEER and 6 cups CLEAR LEMON- LIME SODA
into a large pitcher. Add 2 bags frozen MELON BALLS.
v v v v v
NEW MOUSE for Women!
v v v v v
*submitted by*
TicToc7083
On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.
The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.
One woman
in particular loses it.
Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.
"I'm too young to die,"
she wails.
Then she yells,
"Well, if I'm going to die,
I want my last minutes on earth
To be memorable!
Is there
ANYONE
on this plane who can make me feel like a
WOMAN?"
For a moment there is silence.
Everyone has forgotten their own peril.
They all stared,
riveted,
at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then an Italian man stands up in the rear of the plane.
He is gorgeous:
Tall,
well built,
with jet black hair and blue eyes.
He starts to walk
Slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt.....one button at a time.
No
one moves.
He removes his shirt.
His muscles ripple across his chest.
She gasps...
And then he whispers in her ear:
"Iron this,
and
Get me something to eat...."
v v v v v
Playboy is coming out with a new magazine for men who are married.
Every month the centerfold is the exact same woman
v v v v v
Eat, drink, and remarry!
v v v v v
The District Attorney stared at the jury, unable to believe its verdict.
Bitterly he asked, "What possible excuse could you have for acquitting this man?"
The foreman answered, "Insanity."
The D.A. said, "All twelve of you?"
v v v v v
The Story of My Life ...
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I
decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time
and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was
totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became
so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with
her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything.
She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy.
She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I
decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet
planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that
she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits.
v v v v v
ASPCA: Animal Poison Control Center (APCC)
http://www.aspca.org/site/PageServer?pagename=apcc
*submitted by*
CBoyd53818
Shorti-OnLine / Cat owners should be aware of the risks of Vaccine Related Cancer
http://www.shorti-online.org/
http://www.puppyshop.com/names/names.htm
http://srd.yahoo.com/drst/15950012/*http://www.puppyshop.com/names/names.htm
A zillion dog names
Owners of Blind Dogs
http://www.blinddogs.com/
Children and Dogs - Humane Society of Denver
http://www.ddfl.org/behavior/children.htm
Welcome To ABLEdogs Home Page!
http://www.abledogs.net/
DOGFANCY
http://www.animalnetwork.com/dogfancy/
v v v v v
I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway though.
v v v v v
Wife: "Honey, I wish I was a newspaper, so I'd be in your hands all day."
Husband: "I wish you were, too. I could have a new one everyday."
v v v v v
v v v v v
The Top 7 Differences If James Bond Were a Travel Agent
7> All travel destinations listed in the brochures are
"undisclosed locations."
6> The good news is you're booked for the best penthouse suite in
Vegas. The bad news is you have to get there by
High-Altitude-Low-Opening paradrop.
5> Your rental car comes with dual sidewinder heat-seeking
missiles and an ejector seat.
4> The stewardess on your flight will stab you with the
retractable blade in her shoe if she doesn't like how you
pinch her bottom.
3> "No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to fly coach!"
2> The "all-inclusive" resort he's sent you to seems to be
staffed entirely by eye-patch wearing, wheel-chair bound men
with a strange affinity for cats.
and the Number 1 Difference If James Bond Were
a Travel Agent...
1> "I'm sorry sir, but Pussy Galore is a name, not an amenity."
v v v v v
Teach a child to be polite and courteous
in the home and, when he grows up,
he'll never be able to
edge his car onto a freeway.
v v v v v
Q: What's the difference between Virginia and West Virginia?
A: In Virginia, Moosehead is a beer.
In West Virginia, it's a misdemeanor.
v v v v v
v v v v v
"There's a woman who swam around Manhattan. Someone asked why
she did it. She said, "Because no one had ever done it before." Well,
she didn't have to do that. If she wanted to do something no one else
had ever done before, all she'd have to do is vacuum my apartment."
Rita Rudner
v v v v v
THE GREAT TRAIN MYSTERY
In a train carriage there were Bill Clinton, George W Bush,
a spectacular looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking
fat lady. After several minutes of the trip, the train passes
through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap
is heard. When they leave the tunnel, Clinton had a big red
slap mark on his cheek.
(1) The blonde thought - "That rascal Clinton wanted to touch
me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady,
who in turn must have slapped his face."
(2) The fat lady thought - "That dirty old Bill Clinton laid
his hands on the blonde and she smacked him."
(3) Bill Clinton thought - "George put his hand on that
blonde and by mistake she slapped me."
(4) George Bush thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon
so I can smack Clinton again."
v v v v v
SURPRISE INSIDE BASEBALL CAP
What's more American than "M&M's"® Chocolate Candies and baseball!
Create a hat full of treats for your child to feast on at the summer's big game.
What you'll need:
Clear cellophane
Red, white and blue ribbon
Baseball hat
Selection of SNICKERS®, MILKY WAY®, TWIX® and 3MUSKETEERS®
Brand Miniatures and "M&M's"® Milk Chocolate or Peanut Candies
What to do:
Fill your favorite team's hat with selection of SNICKERS®, MILKY WAY®, TWIX® or
3MUSKETEERS® Brand Miniatures or "M&M's"® Milk Chocolate or Peanut Candies.
Wrap hat with clear cellophane and tie with red, white and blue ribbon.
Makes 1 baseball cap.
v v v v v
A fellow nurse at my hospital received a call from an anxious woman.
"I'm diabetic and I'm afraid I've had too much sugar today," she said.
"Are you light-headed?" my colleague asked. "No, I'm a brunette."
v v v v v
Riddler.com- Free Online Games
http://www.riddler.com/hub.html
GAMES PAGES FOR ALL AGES
http://community-2.webtv.net/richduff/GAMESPAGESFORALLAGES/
NT's Diversions: Yahtzee
http://www.geocities.com/SiliconValley/7174/yahtzee.htm
The Face Memory Game
http://www.pages2send.com/face/facemem.htm
"Same Game" Puzzle
http://www.ishaah.com/Samegame.htm
"WordScram" - A Non-Java word game for the web!
http://www.billsgames.com/wordscram/
VOGClub.com Online Multiplayer Games - Home - Backgammon, Chess,
Checkers/Draughts, Reversi (Othello), Hearts...
http://www.billsgames.com/wordscram/
JigZone: Jigsaw Puzzles Online
http://jigzone.com/
Netives.com [Games/Marbles]
http://www.netives.com/altAds.jsp
BALLGAME
http://morphmaster.com/bballs.htm
iSketch
http://www.isketch.net/isketch.shtml
This is neat
dtoy_vs_byokal
http://www.zefrank.com/dtoy_vs_byokal/
Games.com -- All the Games You Love to Play...Online!
http://www.zefrank.com/dtoy_vs_byokal/
Internet Chess Club
http://www.chessclub.com/
The Space Shuttle Game
http://marshallbowling.com/java_cyberToys/Shuttle/shuttle.html
CarThief
http://downloads-zdnet.com.com/3000-2119-10207446.html?tag=lst-2-13
You are a criminal, you are pushed for money, and you need to get it urgently by all
means. Create your own team for stealing or jacking vehicles, robbing banks and shops,
picking pockets, or even fighting other gangs. In version 4.2, you get new action type,
new equipment, in-game music, and some serious bug fixes.
v v v v v
The coed cutie returned to the sorority house after her first breakfast date
at the neighboring fraternity with her steady boyfriend.
Asked what she had for breakfast, she replied dreamily, "Him and eggs."
v v v v v
Comic relief: When you add a touch of humor to an otherwise serious
situation. Like the word "obey" in the marriage ceremony.
v v v v v
Important Things to Remember
Heed the following maintenance tips for optimum wiper blade performance and driving visibility:
Tip #1: Replace your wiper blades every 6 months or 6,000 miles - even if you live in a "dry" place like Arizona.
Tip #2: Consider your options when replacing your windshield wipers:
Option 1
You can replace just the refills (squeegees), which are the rubber wiping components installed
into the vertebrae. This is your most economical option.
Option 2
You can replace the blades, which is the complete assembly composed of the metal frame and the
refill. Although slightly more expensive, this option is faster to install and provides you with the
benefit of improved windshield contact and, hence, wiping efficiency.
Windshield Wiper Maintenance Shopping List
Whenever you replace your wipers, don't forget to also check your:
- Rear Wipers -
- Headlight Wipers -
- Wiper Motors -
- Windshield Washer Pump -
- Windshield Washer Hoses -
- Windshield Washer Fluid -
- Windshield Washer Fluid Tank (Reservoir) -
CarTech
http://cl.com.com/Click?q=9c-xt6pQansDfcm_Eva-sOAtqirBnrR
Onboard computing, entertainment, communications, safety
and antitheft, cars of tomorrow!
v v v v v
I like a good meal; therefore, I don't cook.
v v v v v
One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and
pinched her on the butt and said,"If you firm this up, we could get rid
of your control top pantyhose."
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.
The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her
breasts and said "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."
This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his penis.
With a death grip in place, she said,"You know, if you firmed this up,
we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the poolman and your brother."
v v v v v
Mac OS 9 For Dummies
Dummies::Mac OS 9 For Dummies
http://cda.dummies.com/WileyCDA/DummiesTitle/productCd-0764506528.html
by Bob LeVitus, allows you to take total control of Mac OS 9 and
OS 9.1. Check it out!
Giving More Memory to a Mac OS 9 Program
Dummies::Giving More Memory to a Mac OS 9 Program
http://portal.hungryminds.com/etip.asp?topic=dd00&promo=RelatedArticles&link=cda.dummies.
com/WileyCDA/DummiesArticle.rdr?id=1260
Mac Tip: Customize Your Finder
http://cgi.techtv.com/memberservices/newsletters?click=23514&release=3177
You may not know this, but the Finder window on your Mac is completely customizable.
Apple Symbol Tip:
While in a word processing document, in SimpleText for example, to produce an "Apple" symbol,
hit Option + Shift + K while using a system font like Charcoal or Chicago.
v v v v v
The Top 8 Redneck Diet Books
8> How to Boil Up Thet Goat Oncet the Menfolks Git Thru With It
7> Grampaw's Frittered Critter Diet
6> Lean Cookin' with the Buck Nekkid Chef
5> Daisy Dukin' Without the Pukin'
4> The Jenny-Craig and Jim-Bob Diet Plan
3> Roadkill for Life: Flat Food for a Flat Belly
2> Thirty Days to, Uhm, a Month or Sumpin'
and the Number 1 Redneck Diet Book...
1> Microwave With Me, Jesus
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Internet Reality
http://coopsjokes.com/toons11/real-int.htm
Crazy Doodle and Pictures - Blonde from Behind
http://www.crazydoodle.com/popup.htm
Check out the cards they are holding *smile*
Test your mouse!
http://www.grin-reaper.com/mousetest.htm
LOL!
FrEaKy FoLk - The wackiest and weirdest people in the world!
http://www.polarboy.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/freakyfolk/
Level Orange
http://www.curlydavid.com/lorg.html
~AIKEN DRUM'S~ * a laugh a day *
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/forfun/funny111.html
Toast
http://www.fa-art.pp.se/toast.htm
Art made from toast...
~AIKEN DRUM'S~ * a laugh a day *
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/forfun/funny112.html
~AIKEN DRUM'S~ * a laugh a day *
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/forfun/funny113.html
~AIKEN DRUM'S~ * a laugh a day *
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/forfun/funny114.html
Guess the Beer
http://www.grin-reaper.com/gtb.htm
Guess the beer
Application For Redneck Driver's License
http://www.curlydavid.com/rdl.html
The Navy's Terrorist Catch/Release Program
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/catchrel.shtml
BoyToys
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/boytoys.shtml
hehehe
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Six stages of married life:
1:Tri-weekly
2:Try weekly
3:Try weakly
4.Try oysters
5:Try anything
6:Try to remember
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Your wife's cute when she's mad at you
She wants a divorce
She's a lawyer
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CLASSIC COUNTRY SONGS TITLES -- TAKE 2
Since "I'd Rather Have a Bottle in Front of Me Than a Frontal Labotomy,"
here's a Bakers' Dozen additional song titles from what may well be the
Country Music Hall of Shame.
"Are You on the Top 40 of the Lord?"
"Billy Broke My Heart at Walgreen's and I Cried All the Way to Sears"
"Don't Chop Any Wood, Mother, I'm Coming Home With a Load"
"Drop Kick Me Jesus Thru the Goal Posts of Life"
(A particular favorite of Texan "Dandy Don" Meredith
when he was a commentator on ABC's "Monday Night Football'."
Another fave of Don's: "God Didn't Make Honkey Tonk Angels".)
"Going to Hell in Your Heavenly Arms"
"How Come Your Dog Don't Bite Nobody But Me?"
"I'd Rather Pass a Kidney Stone Than Another Night With You"
"I Wouldn't Take Her to a Dog Fight, 'Cause I'm 'Fraid She'd Win"
"If Fingerprints Showed Up on Skin, I Wonder Whose I'd Find on You?"
"If I Can't Be Number One in Your Life, Then Number Two on You!"
"If I'd Killed You When I Wanted to, I'd Be Out of Jail By Now"
"If I Had it to Do All Over Again, I'd Do It All Over You"
"Last Night I Went to Bed With a '10,' and Woke Up This Morning With a '2'"
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You Know You're From a Small Town If...
- You can name everyone you graduated with.
- You know what 4-H is.
- You ever went to parties at a pasture, barn, or in the middle of a dirt road.
- You schedule parties around the schedule of different
police officers, since you know which ones would bust you
and which ones wouldn't- same goes with the game warden.
- You ever went cow tipping or snipe hunting.
- You could never buy cigarettes because all the store clerks
knew how old you were (and if you were old they'd tell your parents anyhow).
- It was cool to date someone from the neighboring town.
- You had senior skip day.
- The whole school went to the same party after graduation.
- You don't give directions by street names or directions by
references (turn by Nelson's house, go two blocks east
Anderson's, and it's four houses left of the track field).
- The cc golf course had only 9 holes.
- You can't help but date a friend's ex-girlfriend.
- Your car stays filthy because of the dirt roads, and you will
never own a dark vehicle for this reason.
- You think kids that ride skateboards are weird.
- The town next to you is considered "trashy" or "snooty", but
is actually just like your town.
- Getting paid minimum wage is considered a raise
- You refer to anyone with a house newer than 1980 as the "rich people."
- The people in the city dress funny, then you pick-up on the trend two years later.
- Anyone you want can be found at either the Dairy Queen or the feed store.
- You see at least one friend a week driving a tractor through town.
- Football coaches suggest that you haul hay for the summer to get stronger.
- The city council meets at the coffee shop.
- Weekend excitement involves a trip to a Wal-Mart.
- Even the ugly people enter beauty pageants.
- Your teacher calls you by your older siblings names.
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DebsSweet@aol.com
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*submitted by*
HUMPHRY66
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it
started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end,
put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years
of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.
Lady 1: It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel.
The pharmacist fainted.
v v v v v
Switching cell phone carriers? Read this first!
http://cl.com.com/Click?q=86-8fH1QCJH04JeBRm_r6P2_9fOZ_PR
If you're considering a move from one cell
phone carrier to another, good luck! Comparing prices,
hardware, and contracts is more complex than ever. Here's
some advice for making the analysis easier.
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Signs That You're Broke
~ At communion you go back for seconds.
~ You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.
~ You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.
~ Long distance companies don't call you to switch.
~ You give blood everyday ... just for the orange juice.
~ McDonald's is the supplier of all your kitchen condiments.
~ American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"
~ Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.
~ You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.
v v v v v
`
Did you hear about the South Carolina redneck who passed away and left
his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow?
She can't touch it till she's fourteen.
v v v v v
A diet is when you have to go to some length to change your width.
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AOL Spamfighters!
Are you sick of checking your new mail only to find more annoying spam waiting to be deleted?
So are we! AOL currently blocks the delivery of over 1 billion spam messages daily -- check our
live ticker to see how many we've blocked so far today. Join the fight by signing an anti-spam
petition, using AOL's tools to report spam, and setting your mail controls so fewer junk
messages get through. Find out how at AOL Keyword: Spam.
Tech & Gadgets
Graduation season is in full swing and Father's Day is right around the corner. What better
gift for your favorite grad or dad than a digital camera, MP3 player or laptop? AOL rounds
up the latest and greatest gadgets at AOL Keyword: Tech & Gadgets.
MusicNet on AOL
MusicNet on AOL is a safe, legal way to discover, download and burn CD-quality music.
Access over 300,000 songs from leading artists across all music styles, from yesterday's
classics to today's hottest hits. The song files are guaranteed to be CD-quality, plus they're virus-free,
ad-free, properly labeled and always available. MusicNet is the easiest, most convenient music
experience online. Try it free for 30 days at AOL Keyword: MusicNet.
Movie Downloads
AOL's all-new movie and TV downloads area features screensavers, wallpaper, downloadable
games and more from your favorite movies, such as 'Finding Nemo', 'Harry Potter', 'Lord of the
Rings' and 'The Matrix.' Best of all, they're all FREE! Check them out at AOL Keyword:
Movie & TV Downloads.
Answer Line: Computing Q & A
PC World's Answer Line column answers readers' computing questions. This month find out
how to identify and shut down unnecessary programs that may be slowing down your PC;
find out the cause of sudden reboots; save power by letting your PC 'hibernate'; and exit Windows with a single click.
Get details.
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The Red Cross said they need blood. They can have all of my husband's.
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Top 10 Reasons Why Lawyers Should Replace Lab Rats
There is an endless supply.
Lab assistants don't get attached to them.
It's more fun to shave and stick needles in lawyers.
There are some things rats just won't do.
It's fun to dispose of them when you're through.
It's not "inhumane" treatment, when it comes to lawyers.
No one cares when a lawyer squeals.
We've seen what happens when they are allowed to breed freely.
Lawyers belong in cages.
Animal rights activist don't care if you torture them.
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Go Wild About Summer at the L.A. Zoo!
http://www.lazoo.org/gowild.html
KIDS WEBSITES "Kids games, kids chat room, kids stuff, clothes, for kids, safe surfing, homework help"
http://www.uk250.co.uk/Kids/
Welcome to The Network For Kids - Websites for Kids!
http://www.thenetworkforkids.com/
Kid Stuff
http://womencentral.net/kidstuff.html
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An Russian man is walking through a bazaar, when a stranger comes
up to him and offers to sell him some illegal Viagra for 100
rubles. "No, not worth it!"
"OK, how about 50 rubles?"
"No, not worth it!"
"OK, 20?"
"No, not worth it!"
"How about 10?"
"No, not worth it!"
"Listen, these pills cost $10 American each. How can you say
they are not worth it?"
"Oh, the pills are worth it, it's my wife is not worth it."
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Two paramedics were dispatched to check on an elderly man who had
become disoriented. They decided to take him to the hospital for evaluation...
En route, with siren going, they questioned the man to determine his
level of awareness.
Leaning close, one asked, "Sir, do you know what we're doing right now?"
The old man slowly looked out the ambulance window. "Oh," he
replied, "I'd say about 50, maybe 55."
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Debsnewsletter - Archives
http://debsnewsletter.com/archives.shtml
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Difference between a virus and Windows ? Viruses rarely fail!
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As a drunk guy staggers out of the bar one Friday evening, a fire engine
races past, siren wailing and lights flashing. Immediately, the drunk
starts chasing the engine, running as fast as he can until eventually he
collapses, gasping for breath. In a last act of desperation he shouts
after the fire engine, "If that's the way you want it, you can keep
your bloody ice cream!"
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*submitted by*
Teacher310
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John: I'm going to the kitchen, Jill. Can I get you
anything while I'm up?
Jill: If you're up, you already have something for me.
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A woman with 14 children, ages one through fourteen,
decided to sue her husband for divorce on grounds of desertion.
"When did he desert you," the judge asked.
"Thirteen years ago," she replied.
"If he left 13 years ago, where did all the children
come from?"
"Well," said the woman," he kept coming back to say he was sorry."
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Cool Tricks in the Palm of Your Hand
http://cgi.techtv.com/memberservices/newsletters?click=22631&release=3071
Getting your Palm handheld to work the way you want is harder than teaching a 12-year-old
golden retriever a new trick. Don't worry, you can use the tricks on today's "Call for Help."
(Sorry, but your handheld still won't sit up and beg or fetch the paper.)
TechTV | Cat's Clicks: Must-Have PDA Downloads
http://cgi.techtv.com/memberservices/newsletters?click=22632&release=3071
If you have a Palm PDA or Pocket PC, hopefully you're not just keeping phone numbers and
a calendar on them. You can do so much more. Today I'll show off two sites full of cool
stuff to make your PDA life worth living again
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While attending a marriage seminar on communication,
David and his wife listened to the instructor declare,
"It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that
are important to each other."
He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"
David leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered,
"Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"
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The Top 9 Ways to Tell If Your Mother-in-Law Is Hitting on You
9> She sent back the family picture you gave her for Christmas,
but the lipstick prints on it are definitely centered on
your, um, on you.
8> As you play footsie under the dinner table, you giggle at
your wife and she looks at you like you're nuts.
7> Instead of wetting a napkin and cleaning the mustard off your
cheek, she gives you an all-over tongue bath.
6> The sweater she knitted for you has a scene from the Kama
Sutra on the back.
5> Claims now that you're *her* son she has the right to
"discipline" you.
4> Her hand is down your pants but, unlike her daughter's, it's
nowhere near your wallet.
3> She invites the two of you to dinner. Your wife gets fried
chicken, french fries, mashed potatoes and double crunch
chocolate fudge cake. You get strawberries and cream,
oysters and champagne.
2> You heard: "How do you like Tommy Newsom?"
She said: "How would you like to try a threesome?"
and the Number 1 Way to Tell If Your Mother-in-Law
Is Hitting on You...
1> She buys your wife a spa day for her birthday, then offers to
come over and "hand polish all the wood in your house"
while your wife is gone.
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*submitted by*
WaltWiso
Jacob age 85, and Rebecca age 79 are all excited about their decision to
get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way
home they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests that they go in.
He addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers: "Yes."
Jacob: "Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety."
Jacob: "What about vitamins and sleeping pills?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "What about sugar diabetes. We both got bad cases."
Pharmacist: "Oh, but of course. You name it with that condition and we have
the works."
Jacob: "You have loose bladder and gas pills?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, there are lots of those with plenty of generics."
Jacob: "Perfect! We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts."
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*submitted by*
myrnadoman@attbi.com
Household Cleaning Solution Center
http://www.pioneerthinking.com/cleaningsolutions.html
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Installing XP
YOU ARE ATTEMPTING TO INSTALL WINDOWS XP, ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO CONTINUE?
Yes.
ARE YOU REALLY SURE?
Yes.
ARE YOU REALLY REALLY SURE?
*****yes!******
OK, THEN. JUST SO YOU KNOW, WE'RE REQUIRED TO ASK YOU THAT NOW.
IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT FOR BEING A PICKY CONSUMER AND SUPPORTING THAT
WHOLE "ANTI-TRUST" NONSENSE. INGRATE.
Just get on with it.
ATTEMPTING TO INSTALL WINDOWS XP. FIRST WE NEED TO CHECK YOUR SYSTEM FOR
COMPATIBILITY. THIS COULD TAKE SEVERAL DAYS.
Groan.
THE INSTALL PROGRAM HAS DETECTED SEVERAL POSSIBLE PROBLEMS
AND WILL NOT LET YOU INSTALL XP.
Problems? What problems?
THE VIDEO CARD YOU ARE USING APPARENTLY DOES NOT WORK WITH THE MOTHERBOARD.
But I'm using it at this very moment.
THAT IS IRRELEVANT.
But if the video card isn't working with the mother board then I can't very well see
this warning message telling me that the video card wasn't...
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO FOOL ME WITH LOGIC, I AM A MICROSOFT PRODUCT.
LOGIC DOES NOT WORK ON ME. I HAVE ALSO FOUND THE FOLLOWING MINOR
ERRORS: WINDOWS XP IS INCOMPATIBLE WITH THE FOLLOWING HARDWARE - MONITOR,
KEYBOARD, MEMORY CHIPS, MOTHERBOARD BIOS, WEB CAM, SCANNER, SOUND CARD, USB
CONTROLLER, CD/R DRIVE, MICROPHONE, AND FLIGHT STICK.
All that?
YES. AND THE HARD DRIVE IS RIGHT OUT TOO. WE DON'T LIKE THE MANUFACTURER.
Well what *DOES* work?
THE MOUSE.
The mouse?
YES. AND THE 5 1/4 DRIVE.
I don't have a 5 1/4 drive.
YES YOU DO.
No I don't.
WHAT'S THAT THEN?
It's a 3 1/2 drive.
NO IT ISN'T.
Yes it is.
YOU'RE NOT THAT SMART YOU KNOW.
Look, can you just install XP on my system and I'll download the latest drivers for everything later? Please?
WAIT, WHAT DO YOU MEAN *YOUR* SYSTEM?
Well it is mine.
NO IT ISN'T.
It bloody well is.
NUH-UH. YOU SIGNED THE AGREEMENT WHEN YOU OPENED THE BOX. OUR SYSTEM.
IT'S OURS. AND YOU CAN ONLY DO 4 CHANGES BEFORE YOU HAVE TO PAY US MORE MONEY.
But why?
BECAUSE THAT'S HOW THE LICENSE WORKS, IDIOT. WE CAN'T VERY WELL
HAVE PEOPLE PUTTING HARDWARE AND SOFTWARE ON THEIR SYSTEMS ALL HIGGLEDY
PIGGLEDY, NOW COULD WE? YOU USERS WOULD MUCK EVERYTHING UP, AND THEN WHERE
WOULD WE BE? I'LL TELL YOU WHERE, NOWHERE. THAT'S WHERE. I... HEY, WHAT IS THAT?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? IS THAT A DISK? WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT DISK? YOU'RE NOT
PUTTING IT IN THE DRIVE ARE YOU? YOU ARE! WHAT'S ON THAT DISK? IS THAT DOS? YOU'RE INSTALLING
DOS?? WHY WOULD YOU INSTALL DOS WHEN I AM INFINITELY MORE POWE..........
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v v v v v
*submitted by*
APPMFRANCO@wmconnect.com
A man goes to the minister at his church. "Reverend," he said, "we have a
problem. My wife keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
embarrassing, not to mention disrespectful. What can I do?"
"I've noticed this and have an idea if you're up to the task," said the
minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I can see when Mrs. Jones is sleeping,
and I will motion to you. When I motion, you give her a good poke in the leg
with the hatpin."
In church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the
preacher put his plan to work. And who made the ultimate sacrifice for
you?" he said, nodding to Mr. Jones.
"Jesus!" Mrs. Jones cried out as her husband jabbed her in the leg with the
sharp hatpin.
"Yes! You are correct, Mrs. Jones!" came the minister' quick reply.
Mrs. Jones then turned and glared angrily at her husband.
Soon, Mrs. Jones again nodded off. The minister noticed. "Who is your
redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning toward Mr. Jones.
"My God!" howled Mrs. Jones as she was stuck again with the pin.
"Right again!" bellowed the minister, a slight grin on his face. Mrs. Jones
again gave her husband a real hard threatening glare.
Before long though she again nodded off. This time however the minister did
not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few hand
gestures that Mr. Jones mistook as signals to sharply poke his wife with the hatpin again.
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"
Mrs. Jones jumped up and shouted, "You stick that thing in me one more time
and I'll break it in half and shove it where the sun don't shine!"
"Amen!" replied ALL the women in the congregation.
v v v v v
*submitted by*
APPMFRANCO@wmconnect.com
ANTI VIRUS INFORMATION
Free Online Computer Virus Scan Trend Micro, Inc. HouseCall
Free Online Computer Virus Scan McAfee.com - The Place for Your PC
Virus Scan Freeware InoculateIT Personal Edition
Virus Software Dr. Solomon's
Online Trojan Database MooSoft Development
Online Trojan Information Back Orifice Eliminator
Password Stealer Removal Instructions Password Stealer Virus Removal
Puter News ZDNet: News
Virus Information The V.W.A. Virus Information Page
Files Anti-Virus & Security
Virus Information Metropolitan Network BBS Inc. - Swiss AVP Distribution
Virus Information AOL Computer Community: Anti Virus
v v v v v
FROSTED COFFEE
Whirl 4 cups of STRONG BLACK COFFEE and 2 pints VANILLA, COFFEE, or CHOCOLATE
ICE CREAM in the blender. May take 3 batches as this should be fluffy.
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Airline seats, landing the seat you want
http://www.consumerreports.org/main/detailv3.jsp?CONTENT%3C%3Ecnt_id=319215&
FOLDER%3C%3Efolder_id=88381&bmUID=1057685653966
Hotel-booking sites: A comparison
http://www.consumerreports.org/main/detailv3.jsp?CONTENT%3C%3Ecnt_id=319217&
FOLDER%3C%3Efolder_id=88381&bmUID=1057685653967
Theme parks, assessing park safety
http://www.consumerreports.org/main/detailv3.jsp?CONTENT%3C%3Ecnt_id=305989&
FOLDER%3C%3Efolder_id=88381&bmUID=1057685653951
Renting a car in the U.S.
http://www.consumerreports.org/main/detailv3.jsp?CONTENT%3C%3Ecnt_id=319307&
FOLDER%3C%3Efolder_id=88381&bmUID=1057685653971
Cruise lines
http://www.consumerreports.org/main/detailv2.jsp?CONTENT%3C%3Ecnt_id=161113&
FOLDER%3C%3Efolder_id=735&bmUID=1057685653959
Theme parks
http://www.consumerreports.org/main/detailv2.jsp?CONTENT%3C%3Ecnt_id=161127&
FOLDER%3C%3Efolder_id=735&bmUID=1057685653962
Hotels
http://www.consumerreports.org/main/detailv2.jsp?CONTENT%3C%3Ecnt_id=161121&
FOLDER%3C%3Efolder_id=735&bmUID=1057685653960
Online Maps & directions
http://www.consumerreports.org/main/detailv2.jsp?CONTENT%3C%3Ecnt_id=161125&
FOLDER%3C%3Efolder_id=735&bmUID=1057685653961
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DOUBLE ORANGE COOLER
Mix 6 cups ORANGE JUICE, 5 cups CLUB SODA and 2 1/2 cups milk in a pitcher.
Pour into tall glasses and top with a scoop or ORANGE SHERBET.
CRANBERRY SANGRIA
In a large pitcher or punch bowl, mix 7 cups CRANBERRY JUICE COCKTAIL, 5 small PEACHES
or NECTARINES cut in chunks, 1 sliced LEMON, 4 cups ICE CUBES and 5 cups CLUB SODA.
v v v v v
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YOU'RE ATTENDING THE WRONG LAW SCHOOL IF...
Materials needed for Torts 101 include a baking sheet and apron.
Morley Safer and his camera crew are on campus more often than you are.
If you last the entire eight weeks, Sally Struthers personally signs your diploma.
Professors always accept 5th Amendment as an excuse for not turning in homework.
Every question answered with, "You can't handle the truth!"
Two words: Dean Wapner
Three hours a day of chasing a little metal ambulance around a dog track.
In mock trials, the judge always sentences you to a spanking.
Your roommate is on a "John Gotti Scholarship."
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*submitted by*
Teacher310
On the occasion of a barbecue with friends one of the daughters asked us a question
concerning a historical issue. What is the official definition of the Clinton era:
"Sex between two Bushes".
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AWOL eBay Sellers
dummies.com
The eBay community, like local towns and cities, is not without
its problems. The most common problem is the AWOL seller -- the
kind of person who pesters you for payment and then disappears.
If you won the auction and sent the money but you haven't heard a
peep in a while, don't jump the gun and assume the person is
trying to cheat you. Follow this week-by-week approach:
* Week one, the gentle-nudge approach: Remind the seller with an e-mail about the auction item, its number, and
the closing date. "Perhaps this slipped your mind and got lost in the shuffle of your other
auctions" is a good way to broach the subject. Chances are good that you'll get an apologetic e-mail
about some family emergency or last-minute business trip.
* Week two, the civil-but-firm approach: Send an e-mail again. Be civil but firm. Set a date for when you
expect to be contacted. Meanwhile, tap into some of eBay's resources. After you have this information, you
can send a follow-up letter or make direct contact and set a deadline for some sort of action.
* Week three, the take-action time: If you still haven't heard from the seller, e-mail them once more and let
them know you're filing a complaint. Then go to the Rules & Safety section on eBay and file a
grievance. Explain in detail what has transpired. eBay
will launch its own internal investigation.
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*submitted by*
myrnamdoman@comcast.net
USATODAY.com
http://www.usatoday.com/sports/football/nfl/2003-weekly-schedule.htm
2003 Regular Season Schedule - Pro Football
v v v v v
*submitted by*
Teacher310
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had
shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had
been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now
don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I
just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember
it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and
glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?
v v v v v
One day, shortly after having her 9th baby, the good Irish lady ran into
her parish priest. He congratulated her on the new offspring then said,
"Isn't having nine babies a little much?"
"Well," she said, "I don't know why I get pregnant so often,
it must be something in the air."
"Yes," said the priest, "your legs!"
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v v v v v
The state of Texas has executed yet another inmate. But unforeseen
legal issues have arisen. The state has killed so many people this year,
it must now register as a tobacco company.
v v v v v
If Dogs wrote letters to God:
Dear God,
Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?
Dear God,
When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?
Dear God,
Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the
colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How
often do you see a cougar riding around with its head out the window?
We dogs love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler
Eagle' the 'Chrysler Beagle!'?
Dear God,
If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he
still a bad dog?
Dear God,
We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals,
whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy
fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
Dear God,
More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
Dear God,
When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?
Dear God,
Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
Dear God,
Let me give you a list of just some of the things I've learned about
being a good dog:
* I will not eat the cat's food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
* I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
* I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box; although they are tasty, they are not food.
* The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
* The sofa is not a face towel; neither are Mom and Dad's laps.
* The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
* My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
* I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's
driver's license and registration.
* I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
* Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way
of saying 'hello'.
* I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under
the coffee table.
* I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.
* I will not throw up in the car.
* I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt
across the carpet.
* I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when company is over.
* The cat is not a squeaky toy, so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.
Dear God,
May I have my testicles back?
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*submitted by*
Walt Wiso
There were three country churches in a small Texas town: the Presbyterian Church,
the Methodist church and the Catholic Church.
Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels.
One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels.
After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to
be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
The Methodist group got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of
God's creations. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles
outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
It was only the Catholics who were able to come up with the best and most effective solution.
They baptized the squirrels........and registered them as members of the church.
Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
v v v v v
A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog named Mace.
Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass in the mechanic's lawn, so
the mechanic had to keep Mace inside. The grass eventually became overgrown.
One day the mechanic was working on a car in his backyard and dropped
his wrench losing it in the tall grass. He couldn't find it for the
life of him, so he decided to call it a day.
That night, Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in the
backyard. The next morning the mechanic went outside and saw his wrench
glinting in the sunlight. Realizing what had happened he looked up to
the heavens and proclaimed...
He proclaimed: "A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me!"
v v v v v
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*submitted by*
oldwild@juno.com
A man went to a strip club. When he got inside he noticed a
seat conspicuously unoccupied in the front row. Seizing the opportunity, he took the seat.
As soon as the first dancer walked out, the guy directly behind him yelled, "Yeah baby!
That's what I've been waiting for!"
The man in the front row turned around and gave him a dirty look. A few minutes into the show, the dancer did a move and
snatched off her top, revealing two pasties. The guy behind our friend goes off again. "Yeah baby! Shake those things."
Our friend turned around and said, "Hey buddy, calm down!"
After a few moments, the dancer did another move, and snatched off her dress, revealing a very thin G-string. Again the
man behind our friend yelled out, "Oh baby! You're almost there!"
Our friend again turned around and said, "Hey buddy, shut the hell up, will ya!"
A few minutes later, the dancer stretched out on the floor and snatched off both the pasties and the G-string, and the whole
club went wild, except for the man behind our friend. Curious, our friend turned around and asked,
"Say buddy, where's your enthusiasm now?"
The guy responded, "It's on your back, dude."
v v v v v
v v v v v
*submitted by*
Teacher310
To all you dog lovers out there and those who understand the difference between Yankees and Southerners...
A Translation Of Yankee Dogs To Southern Dawgs
( I am a southerner so I can get away with making fun of us, right?)
(Yankee) German Shepherd Dog
(Southern) Poh-leece Dawg.
(Yankee) Poodle
(Southern) Circus Dawg.
(Yankee) St. Bernard
(Southern) "Thank Gawd, Here Comes The Whiskey Dawg."
(Yankee) Doberman Pinscher
(Southern-2 versions) Bad Dawg, or Dobimin Pinches.
(Yankee) Beagle
(Southern) Rabbit Dawg.
(Yankee) Rottweiler
(Southern) Bad Dawg AND Mean As Heck Dawg. Good dawg to guard the still.
(Yankee) Yellow Lab
(Southern) Ol' Yeller Dawg.
(Yankee) Black Lab
(Southern) Duck fetchin' Dawg.
(Yankee) Greyhound
(Southern) Greased Lightnin' Dawg.
(Yankee) Malinois
(Southern) Another kind of Poh-leece Dawg.
(Yankee) Blue Ticks, Red Bones, etc.
(Southern) Prize Coon Dawgs.
(Yankee) Pekinese
(Southern) Mop Dawg.
(Yankee) Chinese Crested
(Southern) Nekkid Dawg.
(Yankee) Dachshund
(Southern) Wienie Dawg.
(Yankee) Siberian Husky
(Southern) Sled-Pullin' Dawg.
(Yankee) Bouvier, Komondor
(Southern) "What The Heck Kinda Dawg Is That?"
(Yankee) Great Dane, Mastiff
(Southern) Danged BIG Dawg.
(Yankee) Any dog that raids the hen house
(Southern) Egg-Suckin' Dawg.
(Yankee) Any lazy dog
(Southern) Good fer nuttin' Dawg.
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*submitted by*
APPMFRANCO@wmconnect.com
BlueSuitMom.com - Advice to help executive working mothers balance work and family
http://www.bluesuitmom.com/
Are you ready for a career change? Sometimes, the obligations of a growing family make
switching careers a faraway dream -- after all, who can afford the pay cut? Here are some tips
to take the skill set you've developed and make the most of this tight labor market to move
laterally (or close to it) into the job you really want.
So much good info for the ladies at this site!
v v v v v
A bleached blonde and a natural blonde were on top of the Empire State
Building. How do you tell them apart?
The bleached blonde would never throw bread to the helicopters.
v v v v v
by
Teacher310
THE ROAD TAKEN
Rona Jaffe
Rose Smith is born to a lower class family on Jan. 1, 1900 in the small town of Bristol, RI.
Born on the first day of the 1900s .. She is the middle child of Adelaine and William Smith.
When she is 10 years old her mother Adelaine died (of what she will never know, b/c ppl did not talk
about such things then). Within the year of her mom's death her dad remarries a widow in town, Celia,
who has a boy Alfred, the same age as her brother Hugh (5 years old). Rose has an older sister Maude
(15 years old). Celia is only 23 and a widow. She feels she will be an old maid so she accepts when
William proposes. She sells her bakery and becomes a housewife. I guess girls married really young then.
As the years go by and they each marry ... they have diversified lives. Rose moves to Greenwich
Village and her family experiences the changes of the nation first hand. As old values transform
with each world event, so does transformation follow with Rose and, subsequently, her daughters.
International events like World War I and World War II, polio, the Cold War, and the AIDs
epidemic affect the family in evocative and moving ways.
Highly conservative fans may not find the cross-dressing, gay brother Hugh amusing, but this
reviewer finds him to be delightfully original and respectfully portrayed. As a secondary character,
he not only moves the plot along nicely, but he also reveals the truth about families; that is, that
there's always someone who doesn't neatly fit a conventional role. Yet Hugh is also one of the most
loving and understanding characters of the novel, thereby lending THE ROAD TAKEN balance and depth.
This incredible historical fiction parallels the history of the twentieth century with four
generations of an unforgettable family. While the characters are not as richly developed
as they could be, these characters vividly reflect the changes of a nation. THE ROAD TAKEN becomes
the story of transformation and hope, despair and anguish, chronically the patterns of life and death that
mark the passage of our lives. As fascinating and complex relationships unfold in the novel, the beauty,
ugliness, compassion and judgement of a family becomes the microcosm of the nation, revealing the
depths of our joy and of our pain. Further, as these fierce willed women rise above fate and circumstance,
they demonstrate the ability to transform tragedy into triumph, and the ability to endure the most
tumultuous circumstances with spirit and verve.
Highly recommended.
v v v v v
Three couples went out camping.
The three husbands stayed in one tent
and the three wives stayed in the other.
At about 3 in the morning, Bob woke up and yelled,
"Wow, unbelievable!"
Bill woke up and asked, "What's going on?"
Bob said, "I've got to go to the other tent and find my wife."
"How come?"
"To have sex! I just woke up with the biggest hard-on
I've ever had in my life!"
After a pause, Bill said, "Do you want me to come with you?"
"Hell, no! Why would I want you to do that?"
"Because that's my dick you're holding."
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v v v v v
*submitted by*
APPMFRANCO@wmconnect.com
Yep, it's that time of year folks.
Have YOU looked at YOUR pool yet?
Better call the Pool Boy!
Signs Your Swimming Pool Needs Cleaning
That green tarp covering your pool?
Look again, Sparky.
Neighborhood kids ask if they can
jump on your trampoline.
Kids still pee in your pool,
but they refuse to get in it first.
Skipping rocks across it causes sparks.
New algae species attract a
Discovery Channel film crew to your backyard.
The Grim Reaper shows up in his Speedo.
"DREDGE ME"
spelled out in algae on the bottom.
You can walk on the water,
even though you're only the son of Gus.
Dr. Kervorkian seen filling IV bottles at poolside.
Your recently installed pool filter
resembles the Marlboro Man's chest x-ray.
v v v v v
Apple - Music
http://www.apple.com/music/
Download over 200,000 songs for 99 cents apiece ($10 for a whole album). You can't use
that "I only want one song and don't want to pay $15 for it" excuse anymore -- and the artists are
actually getting a cut. It's all legal!
MP3
Buying new batteries for your MP3 player or constantly recharging wastes time and money. Thankfully, the people at ZDNet
have found some flash players that last for about 20 hours on a single charge or set of batteries.
Panasonic SV-SD50 - CD - ZDNet Reviews
http://cl.com.com/Click?q=05-gDULIG8UCthJNNigKIKGH58HYn4R
Sonicblue Rio S10 - CD - ZDNet Reviews
http://cl.com.com/Click?q=2f-hYaFIqnJ30bFjQGdlaK3j7aLQCiR
Sonicblue Rio S50 - CD - ZDNet Reviews
http://cl.com.com/Click?q=59-y53oIEnautnkwHg2UfAWlGM6dwdR
v v v v v
*submitted by*
DILESDI
A guy goes on vacation to the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-law. The mother-in-law dies.
They go to an undertaker who explains that they can ship the body home but that it'll cost over $5000,
whereas they can bury her in the Holy Land for only $150.
The guy says, "We'll ship her home."
The undertaker asks, "Are you sure? That's an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here."
The guy says, "Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he
rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
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When asked by her small child how their two dogs could
have babies without being married, a woman took the
opportunity to teach her child a valuable lesson about
nature -- by holding a lavish wedding ceremony for the
dogs, complete with tux and gown for the couple and a
multitude of canine guests.
The Top 9 Songs Performed at a Dog Wedding
copyright chris white topfive.com
9> "Unleashed Melody"
8> "You're Having My Six Babies"
7> "I Will Always Hump You"
6> "Butt-or-Fly Kisses"
5> "S-P-C-A"
4> "Rover Nagila"
3> "Take My Dog Breath Away"
2> "Why Don't We Do It in the Church?"
and the Number 1 Song Performed at a Dog Wedding...
1> "Looks Like We Spayed It"
v v v v v
E-books & Literature
http://download.com.com/3150-2125-0.html
Download.com
http://cl.com.com/Click?q=64-UBOhIuLhcuWPIfiR4fccsVY-LTcR
Make your graphics eye-catching by adding a dimension, then take it a step further and make them move. Download.com's
new 3D and CAD category has tools to make 3D-animated text and graphics. Power Downloader picks the best.
Download.com
http://download.com.com/1200-2001-1013997.html
Why waste time in Windows just to get your drive organized the way you want? AnyWhere Pro obliterates the busy work of
file management, providing a suite of tools to quickly get your folders and files in immaculate order.
Namo WebEditor
http://www.diaryland.com/
Building a dynamic Website? Combine visual design tools with professional site management
features to create vibrant, data-driven Web sites
AOL Instant Messenger (AIM)
http://downloads-zdnet.com.com/3000-2150-10189176.html?tag=list
You don't have to be an America Online member to experience the immediate cross-Internet communication
made possible by AOL Instant Messenger. This program allows Internet users to communicate via private,
personalized text messages, and indicates when friends, family members, and business colleagues are online.
AOL Instant Messenger combines AOL's Buddy List and Instant Message features, enabling users to send
and respond to messages immediately. Other features include a user directory and buddy chat capabilities,
personalized news, and a Neighborhood Watch feature so you can disconnect when crank chatters contact you.
You can also send personalized greetings from your Buddy List, forward a copy of your Buddy List to a friend,
and add your own comments to an entry on your Buddy List, and more
AIM Messenger Plus
http://downloads-zdnet.com.com/3000-2150-10144446.html?tag=list
"Messenger Plus is an add-on package for AOL Instant Messenger (AIM) that brings a ton of extra
features to the popular chat client. The Enhanced IMs and Chat Room lets you sort numerous IM and
chat windows, placing them into organized and easy-to-use enhanced windows. Messenger Plus will
effortlessly fade your AIM IMs, chats, profiles, and away messages with color and style using the Fader.
Messenger Plus includes AIM Ad Removal, IM and Buddy Alerts, and IM News Ticker. New features include
IM window to web search features and support for AIM 5.0 Beta."
Yahoo Messenger
http://downloads-zdnet.com.com/3000-2150-10200651.html?tag=pop
Yahoo Messenger (formerly known as Yahoo Pager) is a free service that allows you to see when friends come
online and send them instant messages. It can also alert you to new e-mail in your Yahoo Mail or Yahoo Personals
account, or when you have upcoming events recorded in Yahoo Calendar. Yahoo Messenger offers firewall support,
a standby mode that minimizes the program until an Internet connection is made, the ability to save and print
your conversations, and a tabbed interface that provides quick access to your favorite
stocks, news, and sports scores, etc.
*submitted by*
APPMFRANCO@wmconnect.com
DrawSWF - A Java Drawing Application to generate Flash Animations
http://drawswf.sourceforge.net/
DrawSWF is a simple drawing program written in Java2. You can save your drawings as animated flash file
2. HistoryKill - Protect your Privacy on the Internet for FREE!
http://www.historykill.com/index.asp?filename=267
RecipEase
http://downloads-zdnet.com.com/3000-2126-8775616.html
RecipEase is the ultimate tool in recipe management. It offers ease-of-use, an outstanding
user interface, and many helpful and timesaving organizational features. RecipEase lets you quickly
and easily create recipes that are packed full of useful information such as itemized ingredient lists,
detailed directions for recipe preparation, serving size, cooking, and preparation times, nutritional
information, pictures, and much more. You can place your recipes into one or more cookbooks to help
create and maintain your own individual style of organization and even assign
each recipe categories, cuisines, and occasions
Pop This - ZDNet Downloads
http://cl.com.com/Click?q=93-V4PmQSdXFVN5nNH7AS24rmRyJOyR
Pop This is a small, simple, no-nonsense pop-up advertisement disabler for Internet Explorer.
The software is completely free, easy to install, and easy to use. It stops 99 percent of all pop-ups,
prevents browser window resizing and movement, doesn't interfere with normal Web surfing, and
features optional sound notifications and support for site exclusions.
v v v v v
Top ten things you don't want to hear from your real estate agent
when you go to settlement on your new home:
1. "I think unexplained crop circles add a unique flair to any home's garden."
2. "Actually, it's only the rear portion of the yard that overlaps
the ancient Indian burial ground."
3. "Yes, the last owner did donate the house to the Hell's Angels,
but I'm told that the judge has ordered them not to come within 50 feet of it."
4. "One bleeding mirror doesn't necessarily mean it's haunted."
5. "Your neighbor has assured me that, technically, they're not 'killer' bees."
6. "Even if there was a full-scale mudslide, it's unlikely that it
would reach as far back as your property."
7. "It's quite common for roaches to grow that big even when not in
the presence of radioactivity."
8. "Did you know that the punk band "Grave Robber" holds their
practice sessions right next door?"
9. "It's true that they died in the house, but the prosecutor was
never actually able to prove it was murder."
10. "You can barely hear the sheet metal factory at night."
v v v v v
Health Tests for Men
http://www.lhj.com/lhj/story.jhtml?storyid=/templatedata/lhj/story/data/HealthNews_HealthTests
ForMen_05132003.xml&categoryid=/templatedata/lhj/category/data/HealthNewsShorts.xml
911 Emergency Resources & Websites
http://www.tigerx.com/sites/911.htm
A Little-Known Driving Hazard
http://email.lhj.com/cgi-bin1/DM/y/acRL0FcTsk0Dmi0FcKC0AW
Crazy News - Strange But True - Weird News - Bizarre and Odd Facts
http://pops.freeze.com/coldcash/ads/468.asp?f=gaspirtz
NOT for the squeamish - but LOOK what damage a brown recluse spider can do!
Slow Sex Drive
http://email.lhj.com/cgi-bin1/DM/y/acRL0FcTsk0Dmi0FVmf0AS
Quiz: Test Your Knowledge on Postpartum Birth Control
http://email.lhj.com/cgi-bin1/DM/y/acRL0FcTsk0Dmi0FVmf0AS
MayoClinic
http://www.mayoclinic.com/invoke.cfm?id=WO00008&si=1936
Laser resurfacing: One way to treat wrinkles
Surgery Door News - High iron intake linked to Parkinson's risk
http://www.surgerydoor.co.uk/news/detail.asp?id=3602
*submitted by*
APPMFRANCO@wmconnect.com
S W I S S D I E T . C O M
http://swissdiet.com/
Another diet!
2. Register to WIN a Free Health Product!
http://www.archangelhealth.com/win.htm
3. Nexium : Free Trial Offer
http://www.purplepill.com/common/101.freecertificate_reg.asp
ConsumerReports.org - How to protect your skin from summer sun
http://www.consumerreports.org/main/detailv3.jsp?CONTENT%3C%3Ecnt_id=157473&
FOLDER%3C%3Efolder_id=88381&bmUID=1057685653968
The Merck Manual of Medical Information--Second Home Edition
http://www.merckhomeedition.com/home.html
Medical Dictionary of popular medical terms to help you better understand medical terminology
http://www.merckhomeedition.com/home.html
On-line Medical Dictionary
http://cancerweb.ncl.ac.uk/omd/
Welcome to PAIN NET, Inc.
http://www.painnet.com/
Welcome To Pain.com - A world of information on pain
http://www.pain.com/frameindex.cfm
www.health.gov
http://www.health.gov/
health library - healthfinder®
http://www.healthfinder.gov/library/
AMA - American Medical Association Home Page
http://www.ama-assn.org/
Pharmaceutical and Medical Abbreviations Dictionary, Transcription, Medical News and Search Engines
http://www.pharma-lexicon.com/
Member Medical Boards
http://www.fsmb.org/members.htm
v v v v v
When a significant relationship ends, it often takes awhile for the participants to "move on."
Some do this quicker than others. As our latest surveys show that our reader population is, as a
whole, quick to rebound, we felt obliged to help you identify whether your ex does or doesn't share
your new outlook.
The Top 9 Signs Your Ex Has Not Moved On
copyright chris white topfive.com
9> Despite breaking up years ago, he still calls you whenever
he's down... or sick... or horny... or has a nosebleed... or
there's a bee in the house.
8> Every day you come home from work, and there's yet another pet
stewing on the stove.
7> She still acts exactly the way she did when you were together:
She still ignores you, still doesn't answer the phone, she
still won't have sex with you....
6> Calls at least once a week to ask for his Mom's phone number.
5> On the bright side, she still pays all your bills.
4> Has a tattoo of you... on her forehead.
3> She keeps sneaking into your house and changing all your
speed-dial numbers to hers.
2> He still feels slightly guilty when he farts in bed.
and the Number 1 Sign Your Ex Has Not Moved On...
1> After being notified of the restraining order, calls and asks,
"But we're still on for dinner Friday, right?"
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v v v v v
Cheesecake Pecan Pie
8 oz Cream cheese; softened
1 Egg
1/3 c Sugar
1 ts Vanilla
1 Pie shell; unbaked 9 inch
1 1/2 c Pecan halves
2 Eggs; slightly beaten
1/4 c Sugar
2/3 c Corn syrup-light
1/2 ts Vanilla
Combine cream cheese, egg, 1/3 cup sugar, and 1 teaspoon vanilla. Beat until light and fluffy. Spread
over bottom of pie shell. Arrange pecans on the cream cheese mixture. Mix remaining eggs, sugar, corn syrup,
and vanilla, stirring well. Carefully pour over the pecans.
Bake at 375 degrees for 40 to 45 minutes or until done.
FRENCH GREEN BEANS WITH LEMON
http://www.gardenguides.com/recipes/green.htm
MINTED GREEN BEANS WITH RED ONION
http://www.gardenguides.com/recipes/minted.htm
THREE BEAN SALAD WITH CORIANDER AND CHILI DRESSING
http://www.gardenguides.com/recipes/three.htm
THREE BEAN SALAD WITH BASIL VINAIGRETTE
http://www.gardenguides.com/recipes/gbs.htm
v v v v v
* A kindergarten teacher asked, "What is the shape of the earth ?"
One lil' girl spoke up: "According to my Daddy -- terrible!"
* Trying to come to the aid of his Father, who was stopped by an
officer for speeding, the lil' tyke piped up, "Yeah ? Well, if
we were speeding, so were you!"
* Two kids were trying to figure out what game to play. One said,
"Let's play doctor." "Good idea." said the other. "You operate, and I'll sue."
* I guess you can get too health conscious... The wife and I don't
have a lot of "junk food" in the house. Upon eating a snack of
some munchies or other my Grandson asked what vitamins they had
in them. I told him I doubted there were any at all. He replied
wide-eyed, "You mean these are just for fun?"
v v v v v
* Have you ever made a mistake while filling out a form on a web page or in
a software program? If you're like me, you occasionally find that you've
put information in the wrong box.
Most people would just sigh, delete out the error, then re-type it in the
appropriate box. And we wonder why carpal tunnel syndrome cases are on the rise.
Well, to save your wrists (and some time), highlight the text that's in
the wrong location and drag it to its proper place (box).
BTW - This works with more than just forms. If you are re-doing a table in
a word processing program, you can do the highlight, drag & drop thing too!
* DLL files: What if you have a missing DLL file and you don't have
the program to reinstall? There is a great place to go for free downloads
of the most common files that might be missing from your computer. Simply
type your missing file name into the search box to find if it is
available, then download it. You can also go to the "dll-files downloads"
page and scroll down the alphabetical list to find the file you need.
www.dll-files.com
* "I have an IBM (bought in '99) with windows 98.
I had a real problem with it freezing on me when I shut down. I have
always had Norton Antivirus. The IBM techs, and also others, told me to
disable Norton just before shuting down and it works. Have never had any trouble since."
v v v v v
CRIMINAL JUSTICE:
When the accused and his attorney go to jail.
HABEAS CORPUS:
A rash under the arm pits.
HEARING:
What a husband loses after the honeymoon's over.
JURISPRUDENCE:
The girl with sweaty hands that always asked you
to dance in high school.
JURY DUTY:
What happens to you if you don't have a job, haven't ever
read a newspaper and lie about whether you watch TV.
v v v v v
Seed Starting Calendar - When to Start Seeds Indoors
http://www.savvygardener.com/Features/seed_starting_calendar.html
Vegetable Garden Calendar
http://www.savvygardener.com/Features/veg_garden_calendar.html
Shrub Puning Calendar for the Kansas City Area
http://www.savvygardener.com/Features/shrub_pruning.html
Rhizomes and Tubers and Corms
http://www.savvygardener.com/Features/summer_flowering_bulbs.html
All About Composting
http://www.savvygardener.com/Features/composting.html
Garden Tip of the Week
Did you know that in all but the hottest parts of the country you
can divide perennials through most of the garden season? As long as
temperatures aren't topping 90 degrees, go ahead and divide
them--especially tough perennials such as daylilies, peonies,
irises, catmint, Just be sure to baby them a bit, mulching them and
keeping them well watered for at least two weeks after the division.
v v v v v
Windows XP has a nice feature to automatically
download Windows updates but you must configure it to do so. To do this,
click on Start|Control Panel|Performance and Maintenance|System. Then, in
the System properties dialog, click the Automatic Updates tab, click on
"Download the update automatically and notify me when they are ready to be installed" and Apply.
Windows 2000 Service Pack 4 (SP4)
Windows 2000 Service Pack 4
Bring your Windows 2000 workstation up to spec with the latest cumulative
update from Microsoft. SP4 includes updates in the areas of security,
application compatibility, operating system reliability, and setup.
v v v v v
"Life isn't like a box of chocolates...it's more like a jar of jalapenos.
What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow."
v v v v v
Police Dept's Office Answering Machine
Hello, you have reached the Police Dept's Voice Mail. Pay close
attention as we have to update the choices often as new and usual
circumstances arrive. Please select one of the following options:
To whine about us not doing anything to solve a problem that you
created yourself, press 1.
To inquire as to whether someone has to die before we'll do
something about a problem, press 2.
To report an officer for bad manners, when in reality the officer
is trying to keep your neighborhood safe, press 3.
If you would like us to raise your children, press 4.
If you would like us to take control of your life due to your
chemical dependency or alcohol, press 5.
If you would like us to instantly restore order to a situation
that took years to deteriorate, press 6.
To provide a list of officers you personally know so we will not
take enforcement action against you, press 7.
To sue us, or tell us you pay our salary and you'll have our
badge, or to proclaim our career is over, press 8.
To whine about a ticket and/or complain about the many other uses
for police rather than keeping your dumb ass in line, press 9.
Please note your call may be monitored to assure proper customer
support and remember.....we're here to save your ass, NOT kiss it!
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Dew knot trussed yore spell chequer two fined awl mistakes!
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The Top 9 Least Appropriate Songs to Play at a Funeral
9> Cold as Ice
8> Anything by the Grateful Dead, Crash Test Dummies, Suicidal
Tendencies, Slayer or the Zombies
7> Like a Rock
6> You're Having My Baby
5> You Don't Bring Me Flowers
4> You've Lost That Lovin' Feeling
3> Have You Never Been Mellow?
2> Red Roses for a Blue Lady
and the Number 1 Least Appropriate Song to Play at a Funeral...
1> You Make Me Feel Like Dancin'
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If you find you do not mind playing golf in the
rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here's a
valuable tip:
your life is in trouble.
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v v v v v
In a check out line the other day and the couple were arguing about
whose turn it was to pay. The clerk was kind of listening until she
heard the lady said to the guy, "Stop being a scrote." With a furrowed
brow the clerk asked, "What is a scrote?" Without missing a beat the
lady responded, "Short for scrotum. He is somewhere between a prick and an asshole."
v v v v v
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says,
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"
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20 Clues to when a Woman Should Call it a Night
1. I have absolutely no idea where my bag is.
2. I believe that dancing with my arms overhead and wiggling my bootay
while yelling WOO-HOO is truly the sexiest dance move around.
3. I've suddenly decided I want to kick someone's @ss and honestly believe I could do it too.
4. In my last trip to "pee" I realise I now look more like Lily Savage than the
goddess I was just four hours ago.
5. I drop my 3:00 a.m. kebab on the floor (which I'm eating even though I'm not
the least bit hungry), pick it up and carry on eating it.
6. I start crying and telling everyone I see that I love them sooooo much.
7. There are less than three hours before I'm due to start work.
8. I've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to me.
9. The man I'm flirting with used to be my biology teacher.
10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stan d on a table and sing or dance
becomes strangely overwhelming.
11. My eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on their own so I keep them
half closed and think it looks exotically sexy.
12. I've suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it.
13. I yell at the bartender, who (I think) cheated me by giving me just lemonade,
but that's just because I can no longer taste the vodka.
14. I think I'm in bed, but my pillow feels strangely like the kitchen floor.
15. I start every conversation with a booming, "DON'T take this the WRONG WAY but..."
16. I fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when I sit on it.
17. My hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.
18. I'm tired so I just sit on the floor (wherever I happen to be standing)
and take a quick nap.
19. I begin leaving the buttons open on my button fly jeans to cut down in time
I'm in the bathroom away from my drink.
20. I take my shoes off because I believe it's their fa ult that I'm having problems
walking straight.
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Making a speech against the proliferation of X-rated videos, the
mayoral candidate said, "I rented one of these cassettes and was
shocked to find by my count five acts of oral sex, three of sodomy, a
trans- sexual making love to a dog, and a woman accommodating five men at once.
If elected, I vow that tapes such as these will no longer befoul our
fair community." He concluded the fiery denunciation by asking,
"Are there any questions?"
Five people shouted in unison, "Where'd you rent the tape?"
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*submitted by*
Teacher310
A little girl became restless as the preacher's
sermon dragged on and on.
Finally she leaned over to her mother and whispered,
"Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
v v v v v
My wife always makes a federal case out of
everything, but that's likely because my
screw-ups usually cross multiple state boundaries.
v v v v v
"Michael Jackson arrived in London on crutches after breaking his
foot in a, "common household accident" at his Neverland Ranch.
"It could've happened to anyone," Jackson told a reporter. "See,
my llama and I were chasing Liz Taylor around the elephant man's
bones and I tripped on my cape."
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A man in his 40s goes in for a physical. The doctor says "I have good news and I have bad news."
The man says, "Give me the bad news first." Doc
says, "There is a problem with your penis, you can only get a few more erections, and then you
won't have any more for the rest of your life."
The man says, "What in the world is the good news?"
Doc says, "We know the number is exactly 25, so you can plan your use of them accordingly."
The man leaves and drives around for a couple hours pondering his situation, and how to confront his wife.
When he gets home he tells her, "Honey, I have good news, and I have bad news." She says, "Give me the good news."
He says, "I can only have 25 more erections, and then I can't have any more, ever."
She says, "We can work around that, we will just
make a list and only use them when it is absolutely necessary to fulfill our desires, and make the most
out of each one, what in the world is the bad news?"
He says, "I already made a list, and you aren't on it.."
v v v v v
v v v v v
I visited hormel.com and submitted a form
for a free sample of their product, but then
the privacy disclaimer told me I would not
receive any spam. What's up with that?
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The Top 10 Signs Your Plane Is Going to Crash
copyright chris white topfive.com
10> "Please return your trays to their upright and we're all going
to die position."
9> The flight attendants are passing out peanuts, soda and rosary beads.
8> "Uh, Miss Loft, you may want to go over the flotation device
procedures with the passengers one more time. Hurry up, now!"
7> You're positive that on takeoff, when you looked out your
window, the plane had wings.
6> Ten minutes ago, the stewardess asked the passengers if any of
them knew how to land a plane. Now, she's asking if any of
them is a priest.
5> "The captain has now turned on the kiss-your-ass-goodbye light...."
4> Right before takeoff, all the senators abandoned the airplane.
3> The airline's on-board computer operating system? Windows 98.
2> On your final approach to Tokyo International, you look back
and notice that the rear third of your plane is being held and
examined by a giant reptile.
and the Number 1 Sign Your Plane Is Going to Crash...
1> "Your flight crew today will be Captains Howard, Fine and
Howard...."
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v v v v v
Science magazine came out with a report on the difference between men and women's brains.
Apparently women are more controlled by a part of the brain called singletgyrus.
Men are more controlled by a part of the brain known as the penis.
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Mrs. Siegal went into Bergdorf-Goodman's,called over a salesman,
pointed to white wool designer dress on a mannequin, and said,
"Hey Sonny boy, so how much is the dress on that store dummy over there?"
"That dress is $899.95, Madam," sneered the rather snotty salesman.
"Oy! For $99.95 I could get the same dress at Klein's downtown!"
"But Madam," said the salesman, "You'll find that the dress at Klein's
is recycled wool. This original is 100% pure virgin wool."
"So for $800 I should be caring what the lambs do at night?"
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Vivre
http://vivre.com/index.jsp
Check out the Burberry sweater for dogs
Girlshop Member E-mail - Perfectly Legal Pink
http://www.girlshop.com/shop/girls/email/email070103.asp
DollarBins.com -- The Online Dollar Store.
http://www.dollarbins.com/cgi-bin/shop
Wine Accents - Accessories and Gifts for Wine Lovers
http://www.dollarbins.com/cgi-bin/shop
welcome to eyebeauty.com
http://eyebeauty.com/
Welcome to Jessica London: Classic career looks...elegant casual fashions in plus sizes 14W to 34W.
http://jessicalondon.com/jessicalondon/layout/layout.asp?cts7%2F1%2F2003+1%3A05%
3A14+PM=1&name=cts7%2F1%2F2003+1%3A05%3A14+PM
Jata Menswear
http://www.jatamenswear.com/
LabelGear.com
http://www.labelgear.com/LG/Category.asp?CatCode=SIM_OFFER&af=VLG-SIM-01
v v v v v
One Easter Sunday morning as the minister was preaching the
children's sermon, he reached into his bag of props and
pulled out an egg. He pointed at the object and asked the
children, "What's in here?"
"I know! I know!" a little boy exclaimed. "Pantyhose!"
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v v v v v
Why a Kitten is Better Than a Baby
Veterinarians have evening hours.
Your kitten won't be able to disturb the whole
movie with its crying. Heck, you don't even have
to take the kitten with you, and if you don't, you
don't even have to worry about whether or not
the sitter is available tonight.
Your kitten won't grow out of those cute but
expensive clothes within three months.
Kittens look cute if they haven't had a bath in a month.
You probably don't have to lie awake nights wondering how
you're going to finance your kitten's college education.
No one will question your abilities to function normally
at your job when they hear you just got a kitten.
You only have to change the litter box once a day.
v v v v v
A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead.
"Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?" she asked.
"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. But I have a wife and eleven children."
"Is that a record?" she inquired.
"I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get."
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v v v v v
A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down
by his doctor instead of by the police.
v v v v v
The Joys of Duct Tape
Lost in the woods?
Not with duct tape around!
Just hang little strips of tape from branches
to find your way back.
Remodeling on a budget?
Use duct tape to cover cupboard doors
and drawer fronts for a modern, metallic-
look kitchen.
Super seal your tax return envelope with
duct tape to annoy the IRS.
And when you've finished your taxes,
patch the fist hole in your wall with duct tape.
Hang a strip of duct tape from the ceiling
for an instant fly trap.
Enjoy your music loud? Duct tape volume
knob at your favorite level.
Duct tape vibrating stereo to table.
Duct tape vibrating table to floor.
In most cases, foundation should secure floor.
Wrap sticky-side out around your hand to
pick up fuzz, lint and pet hair from clothing
and furniture also picks up small pets from
clothing and furniture.
Teach kids about safety by using duct tape
to make seat belts for their dolls.
Also keeps pets in place during car trips.
Remove dust balls under beds using these three steps:
1. Wrap duct tape sticky side out around small dog.
2. Roll the dog's favorite ball under the bed.
3. Yell "fetch!"
Use duct tape to join two pets tail to tail, and
see what happens!!!!!
Be kind to animals. Duct tape corncobs to trees for birds and squirrels.
Or, duct tape birds and squirrels to trees for dogs and cats.
Anyone taking the past week's duct tape use seriously
should be duct taped to the tree right next to the squirrel.
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Debsnewsletter - Archives
http://debsnewsletter.com/archives.shtml
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The Top 10 Signs You're Not a Good Hitchhiker
10> Yeah, the bikini top might get their attention, but you still
ought to shave the beard.
9> The "Will Play Accordion For Ride" sign is not winning you any
friends, Chester.
8> Hiking your skirt up to show a little leg reveals your
"littlest hitchiker," if you know what I mean.
7> You don't know where your towel is.
6> Honestly, a thumb-out works MUCH better for actually getting
rides than the Vulcan "Live-long-and-prosper" greeting.
5> It's not really hitchhiking if you take a cab.
4> You might get some takers with the blue hair. You might even
get someone to stop with your "I Hate You" sign. But the
chandelier, the trombone and the goat have *got* to go.
3> Your sign says "Florida or bust, and by that I mean I have to
stop to pee every 100 miles."
2> Your magic hatchet keeps calling for "just one more."
and the Number 1 Sign You're Not a Good Hitchhiker...
1> Your first foray into hitchhiking occurs on a dark and stormy
night, near a bridge where two teenagers plunged to their
deaths, on a road where several unexplained axe murders have
been committed, about a mile from the prison where a
hook-handed psychopath recently escaped, by a tree where a
witch was hanged 300 years ago on this exact date.
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Pitcher O' Punch
Fruity Flavor Blend
1 (6-ounce) can frozen orange juice concentrate, thawed
1 (6-ounce) can frozen lemonade concentrate, thawed
3 cans cold water
2 cups apricot nectar
1 quart lemon-lime-flavored carbonated beverage, well chilled
Combine juice concentrates, water and apricot nectar in a large
pitcher, stir well then chill. Just before serving, add carbonated
beverage slowly (to preserve carbonation). Serve over ice.
Garnish with fresh mint if desired. Makes 2-1/2 quarts.
v v v v v
*submitted by*
APPMFRANCO@wmconnect.com
Adware, Spyware and Advertising Trojans - Info & Removal Procedures
http://www.cexx.org/adware.htm
The Counterexploitation adware and spyware page is informative even without a recent update.
It describes spyware and adware, what they do, and where they come from.
SimplytheBest Spyware information spyware blockers spyware cleaners
http://www.simplythebest.net/info/spyware.html
This page from the Simply The Best site features definitions of adware and spyware, and
describes some common examples in detail. There are also links to additional spyware sites.
OptOut -- Internet Spyware Detection and Removal
http://grc.com/optout.htm
Steve Gibson's Gibson Research site includes background on spyware and grades spyware on
compliance with the ethics of data collection. Updates, however, appear to have been dropped in
favor of the work being done by the spyware experts at Lavasoft (http://www.lavasoftusa.com),
makers of the popular spyware scanning utility Ad-Aware.
Privacy Foundation: Tipsheet
http://www.privacyfoundation.org/commentary/tipsheet.asp
Richard Smith's Tipsheet collects columns about Smith's experience uncovering spyware and
Web bugs that may associate personal data with the supposedly anonymous data the online collectors use.
v v v v v
A very creative entrepreneur unveiled plans for
"Lingerie Bowl 2004," which will feature 22
barely-clad young ladies playing full-contact,
seven-on-seven tackle football on Pay Per View
during the halftime of the Super Bowl.
The Top 10 Things Overheard During the Lingerie Bowl
10> "How do they expect me to look good in a negligee that clashes with my helmet?!?"
9> "Two, four, six, eight! Get in deep and penetrate."
8> "That referee just missed *another* illegal play! What's he looking at, anyway?"
7> "Hey, with picture-in-picture I can watch the naked tennis game simultaneously!"
6> "They should have installed a pole in the end zone for touchdown dances."
5> "Quick! Somebody turn on the sprinklers!"
4> "Let's see that play again... now again, in super-slow motion
this time... okay, once more with some bow-chick-a-wow-wow
music in the background."
3> "Next year we play on real grass. I *hate* turf tit."
2> "Offsides, Number 32, Offense. Penalty: Five yards and a spanking."
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Thing
Overheard During the Lingerie Bowl...
1> "The ref is finally done reviewing the play and is, uh...
asking for a tissue."
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Daffynitions
Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n
Gotta get married in a church.
Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n.
A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n.
The last two minutes of a football game.
Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n.
Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to
duplicate again. See "Magician."
v v v v v
The Place for Prank ideas and Gags Plus Funny Gift ideas!
http://www.gagsplus.com/adult/peckermints.shtml
Pecker mints!
Female Or SheMale Quiz
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/feshemale.shtml
Can you tell?
hunting dog...
http://www.fun-lists.com/g/?567.8.1261
The Daily Probe | News satire buffet, open 24/7.
http://www.dailyprobe.com/
Perception
http://coopsjokes.com/toons11/percept.htm
Coop's Toons Recount
http://coopsjokes.com/toons11/recount.htm
Is everything there? LOL
Todd Gallina.com presents the MISFITZ episode 2
http://www.toddgallina.com/misfitz/episode2.html
www.girlsofmg.com
http://www.girlsofmg.com/popups/mpeg/moviePage.asp?movieID=2003/clip007
Naughty girls! Hope he didn't break a tooth on the nipple ring
Body art...
http://www.fun-lists.com/g/?193.9.1510
*submitted by*
http://mediapickle.com/swf/conversions/onehanded.swf
http://mediapickle.com/swf/conversions/onehanded.swf
LOL!
Tuti TV :: Evolution
http://www.tuti.tv/movies/ev/ev.html
A small one??
http://www.fun-lists.com/g/?193.6.419
eBay item 2939269519 (Ends Jul-14-03 03:25:23 PDT) - INSTANT PUSSY-FOR THE BUSY MAN
http://170.224.13.168/asp/cnvview.asp?X=alncetjdcg
Missing Wife
http://txc.net.au/~mapie/missingwife.htm
NUDITY - but it's funnnnnny
Blowjob Planet - The only blowjob counter in the World
http://www.blowjobplanet.com/
Hey Honey, Hold My Beer For Me Please
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/holdmybeer.shtml
*submitted by*
Docjrx
Xandria.com: Pillowbook - Erotic Sex Stories
http://www.xandria.com/play/pillowbook/new.shtml
Hiding
http://www.coopsjokes.com/toons13/hiding.htm
*submitted by*
Teacher310
Sexxx or Something else?
http://www.gavb.nl/SorSE.html
Can you tell by the pics it it's sex or something else?
http://www.bugfish.com/qwerty/toweldif.html
http://www.bugfish.com/qwerty/toweldif.html
Crazy Horse - Your Fantasy Lives Here!
http://www.crazyhorse.com/secret/07-01/
In 1996 ...
http://www.grin-reaper.com/1996.htm
LOL!
The 100 Worst Porn Movie Titles !
http://members.shaw.ca/stayasyouare/tohwpmt.html
Funny Ass Audio Files on FockHead.com
http://www.fockhead.com/5staraudio/clintwav.shtml
Any time is a good time...
http://www.fun-lists.com/g/?275.8.332
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Rockin' and Rollin' makes no endorsement or warranty, expressed or implied, with regard
to featured products or services. Results may vary based on operating
systems and other variables beyond our control
v v v v v
Another issue on it's way to YOU! and another one already in the making! So meet us back
here next week, same time - same place
but remember, no matter where you are or what you are doing,
never,
ever,
EVER
forget to
keep on rockin'
it's a state of mind
v v v v v
© 1999 - 2003 - Deborah Austin - All rights reserved and held by Rockin' and Rollin'
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