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to
Editor: DebsSweet
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Hey you good looking, gainfully employed, teeth-flossing,
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For those of you who would like to bring their Windows2000 workstation up
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from Microsoft
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onboard technology, entertainment, communications, etc!
If you are interested in taking a VACATION, this is the issue to see - Consumer Reports
has rated hotels, theme parks, cruise lines, etc.
Don't miss the HEALTH section -- lots of links to keep on hand!
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anti-virus software.
Kick up your feet and put your problems behind you
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PmsZone
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LEVIS IN GEORGIA
"I'm always looking forward to something new on Deb's site. The graphics are really cool and the jokes make you
roll on the floor laughing. Way to go Deb!"
JELEEBS
v v v v v
An Amish couple had just been married and went to a hotel for their
honeymoon. The Amish man went to the front desk and asked for a room. He
said this occasion was very special to them and they needed a good room.
The clerk winked and asked, "Do you want the Bridal?
The Amish fellow thought about it a while and then replied, "No, I guess
not, I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it."
v v v v v
Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned
v v v v v
Beware! Life is sexually transmitted!
v v v v v
v v v v v
I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word
Perfect Helpline which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care
department. Needless to say the HelpDesk employee was fired; however he/she is currently
suing the WordPerfect organisation for "Termination without Cause."
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee
(now I know why they record these conversations!)
"Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes -the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power failure."
"A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals
and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it.
Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
v v v v v
*submitted by*
APPMFRANCO.wmconnect.com
Fact Monster: Online Almanac, Dictionary, Encyclopedia, and Homework Help
http://www.factmonster.com/
2. SearchBug - The Most Useful Searches
http://www.searchbug.com/
3. The Monster List of Quit Smoking Links
http://www.mindspring.com/~fredk/quitsmoking/
4. The Boardman Web-party ideas, website design, rattery
http://boardmanweb.com/
5. Magatopia.com - Free Online Magazines - Just Click and Read
http://www.magatopia.com/
6. timeanddate.com
http://www.timeanddate.com/
Time zone menu, date menu, world clock, etc.
7. Identity Theft Prevention by Johnny May - home page
http://www.identitytheftinfo.com/
*submitted by*
ColleenBokelman
404: Page Not Found
http://www.acm.uiuc.edu/rml/Gifs/Farside/
Alert!
http://www.markfiore.com/animation/alerts.html
*submitted by*
myrnadoman@comcast.net
~*~ Internet Queen ~*~
http://www.spiritisup.com/internetqueen.html
Icon War
http://www.divstivs.plus.com/iconwar/
This is way cool
The Road Rage Test
http://www.queendom.com/tests/minitests/fx/road_rage.html
I bet you don't need a test to tell you this LOL
Toast
http://www.fa-art.pp.se/toast.htm
Art made from toast...
Artificial Structures on Mars
http://www.metaresearch.org/solar_system/cydonia/asom/artifact_html/default.htm
whichbook.net
http://www.whichbook.net/index.jsp
Welcome to whichbook.net! A completely new way of choosing
what to read -- OR you could take our advice *smile*
Worst Case Scenarios
http://www.worstcasescenarios.com/
*** ArtByMath Gallery ***
http://www.jpgbymath.com/
Award-winning fractals
SOUNDBOARDS.COM
http://www.soundboards.com/
The goal at soundboards.com is to create the largest
collection of soundboards on the web. This site is great for
prank callers, radio DJs and the like. . . and it's Free!
Jailbait or Legal. A photo quiz
http://www.top-greetings.com/G.py?P=/art/477/
Can YOU tell?
whatsbetter?com
Here you will find two random things
pitted against each other in a competition to find out
which is better.
For example: Choose between Noah's Ark or the Rolling Stones
1972 Tour. Amazingly more people chose the Stones
Dumbentia - Parody Gallery 2002
http://http.edge.ru4.com/smartserve/ad?placement=pl-0244-076&invocation=1000&pr=http://www.
burstnet.com/ads/ad3511a-map.cgi/BCPG17629.35076.37236/BURSTURL=
.s.p.e.c.i.a.l.d.e.f.e.c.t.s.
http://www.specialdefects.com/index2.html
whoa - check out the heart!
Angel Doorway Bubble Magick
http://www.angeldoorway.com/BubbleMagick/
amorphoscapes by stanza
http://www.amorphoscapes.com/
Phoons from Around the World
http://www.phoons.com/
People from around the world send in Phoon pictures from their
home towns and their travels. You can, too! To learn more
about Phooning and to find out who's doing it, click the link above!
Your Weight On Other Worlds
http://www.exploratorium.edu/ronh/weight/
Ever wonder what you might weigh on Mars or the Moon?
Government Guide: Do Not Call Lists
http://www.governmentguide.com/consumer_services/donotcall.adp
Just say no to telemarketing
Diaryland!! online diary - fun, free online diaries you can update through your browser!
http://www.diaryland.com/
http://www.chinapaint.com/eng/flash/colorandme_en.swf
http://www.chinapaint.com/eng/flash/colorandme_en.swf
Personality test - fun!
The Best Man
http://boss.streamos.com/wmedia/budweiser/bud/bud_films/650_bestman.wvx
Check out this Budweiser short film dedicated to the worst
best man in the world. You won't believe how many times
this guy sticks his foot in his mouth.
Bob Dress Up! HOLLYWOOD EDITION
http://www.bobfromaccounting.com/bobdressup2.html
Annual Meeting
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/annualmtg.html
Your Tax Dollars At Work
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/atwork.html
v v v v v
Bob got a new job as a bartender. A patron ordered a Manhattan. When Bob
served the drink, there was a piece of parsley floating in the glass.
"What in the world is this?" asked the man. Bob peered into the glass
and replied, "That's Central Park."
v v v v v
Ah...summer time. A time when many of us strap a car under
our backsides and hit the road. Below are some unusual sight-
seeing destinations, and some that I made up. Can you deter-
mine which are the real tourist traps from the ones my goofy
mind invented?
1) In Arcola, Illinois, you can see:
a. The Hippie Memorial b. A 50-foot long, 12-foot high
caterpillar c. The world's largest ball of aluminum foil
2) In Beaumont, Texas, you can see:
a. A 12-foot statue of Hugh Beaumont (Beaver Cleaver's TV
dad)
b. A 24-foot tall fire hydrant c. A three-story "executive"
outhouse
3) In Buffalo, New York, you can see:
a. A waterfall that runs uphill b. A building made of dried
dung c. Surapa, the Painting Elephant
4) In Puente, California, you can see:
a. A man that lives inside a hollowed out tree b. A drive-
through donut c. The Left-handed Museum
5) In Ottawa Lake, Michigan, you can see:
a. A 42-foot tall Uncle Sam b. A 100-square foot block of
solid concrete c. A wax museum of cartoon characters
6) In Los Angeles, California, you can see:
a. Tess, the 50-ft. tall woman with visible organs b. A
rubber house with cement furniture c. The world's largest popcorn ball
7) In Stanton, Iowa, you can see:
a. A 60-foot tall corn plant (plastic) b. A 120-foot cof-
fee pot c. A giant statue of a cow and hog dancing
8) In Hamden, Connecticut, you can see:
a. A giant statue of Mother Goose b. The world's shortest
natural river c. The Ghost Parking Lot Project
9) In Yarmouth, Maine, you can see:
a. An upside down house b. Eartha, the world's largest ro-
tating globe c. Max, a monkey that serves food at Kay's Diner
Answers below, here's the scoring:
9 correct: You must own the web site I got these from. Thanks.
5-8 correct: You must have bookmarked the site I got these from.
1-4 correct: Aw...yer just lucky, though wayfaring stranger.
0 correct: You're like me...sorry about that.
1) a. The Hippie Memorial
2) b. A 24-foot tall fire hydrant
3) c. Surapa, the Painting Elephant
4) b. A drive-through donut
5) a. A 42-foot tall Uncle Sam
6) a. Tess, the 50-ft. tall woman with visible organs
7) b. A 120-foot coffee pot
8) c. The Ghost Parking Lot
9) b. Eartha, the world's largest rotating globe
PS - All these locations were found at Roadside America:
Roadside America
http://www.roadsideamerica.com/
v v v v v
v v v v v
It has been known for many years that sex is good exercise, but
until recently nobody had made a scientific study of the caloric
expenditure of different sexual activities. Now after original
and proprietary research they are proud to present the results.
REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent....................... 12 Calories
Without her consent.................... 187 Calories
OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands........................ 8 Calories
With one hand.......................... 12 Calories
With your teeth........................ 85 Calories
PUTTING ON A PRESERVATIVE:
With an erection....................... 6 Calories
Without an erection.................... 315 Calories
PRELIMINARIES:
Trying to find the clitoris............ 8 Calories
Trying to find the G-Spot.............. 92 Calories
POSITIONS:
Missionary............................. 12 Calories
69 lying down.......................... 78 Calories
69 standing up......................... 112 Calories
Wheelbarrow............................ 216 Calories
Doggy Style............................ 326 Calories
Italian chandelier..................... 912 Calories
ORGASMING:
Real................................... 112 Calories
False.................................. 315 Calories
POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging................... 18 Calories
Getting up immediately................. 36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately......816 Calories
GETTING A SECOND ERECTION: If you are:
20-29 years old........................ 36 Calories
30-39 years............................ 80 Calories
40-49 years............................ 124 Calories
50-59 years............................ 972 Calories
60-69 years............................ 2916 Calories
70 and over......................... Results are still pending
DRESSING UP AFTERWARDS:
Calmly................................. 32 Calories
In a hurry............................. 98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door... 1218 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door.... 3521 Calories
v v v v v
* This cute. perky actress picked up a bag of $25 French gourmet
biscuits and started snacking on them on her way to the checkout
register. The salesclerk, trying not to embarrass the star quietly
told her they were gourmet DOG biscuits. Not knowing French, the
actress didn't know and good naturedly told the clerk she would
take the rest and share them with her dog......Guess Whoooooooo
Renee Zellweger
* Singer Brandy and her husband, music producer Robert Smith are
ending their marriage. No reason is being given, but the couple
say they will remain friends and raise their daughter jointly...
* Before giving permission to do a wax figure at Madame Tussaud's
in New York, Jennifer Lopez insisted on having final approval of
the finished product. After looking at her sculpture, J. Lo
demanded the sculptors get rid of 10 pounds off of her butt.
The wax sculptors balked at her demand, saying that they take
pride in making their figures true-to-life. J. Lo insisted and
the new, smaller tushed figure just went on display....
* While in Vancouver for a week of filming, this high-demanding,
high maintenance star demanded a new bed in the hotel she was
staying in because she refuses to sleep in a bed that had been
used by other people......................Guess Whoooooooooooo
Jennifer Lopez
TrashyTabloids
v v v v v
BLUEBERRY BOG SPARKLER
Mix 3 cups BLUEBERRY-CRANBERRY DRINK with 2 cups prepared LEMONADE in a large
pitcher. Chill well. Just before serving, stir in 1 1/2 cups icy cold GINGER ALE.
v v v v v
v v v v v
GINGER-LIME COOLER
Pour 4 1/2 cups GINGER BEER and 6 cups CLEAR LEMON- LIME SODA
into a large pitcher. Add 2 bags frozen MELON BALLS.
v v v v v
NEW MOUSE for Women!
v v v v v
*submitted by*
TicToc7083
On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.
The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.
One woman
in particular loses it.
Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.
"I'm too young to die,"
she wails.
Then she yells,
"Well, if I'm going to die,
I want my last minutes on earth
To be memorable!
Is there
ANYONE
on this plane who can make me feel like a
WOMAN?"
For a moment there is silence.
Everyone has forgotten their own peril.
They all stared,
riveted,
at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then an Italian man stands up in the rear of the plane.
He is gorgeous:
Tall,
well built,
with jet black hair and blue eyes.
He starts to walk
Slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt.....one button at a time.
No
one moves.
He removes his shirt.
His muscles ripple across his chest.
She gasps...
And then he whispers in her ear:
"Iron this,
and
Get me something to eat...."
v v v v v
Playboy is coming out with a new magazine for men who are married.
Every month the centerfold is the exact same woman
v v v v v
Eat, drink, and remarry!
v v v v v
The District Attorney stared at the jury, unable to believe its verdict.
Bitterly he asked, "What possible excuse could you have for acquitting this man?"
The foreman answered, "Insanity."
The D.A. said, "All twelve of you?"
v v v v v
The Story of My Life ...
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I
decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time
and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was
totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became
so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with
her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything.
She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy.
She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I
decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet
planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that
she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits.
v v v v v
ASPCA: Animal Poison Control Center (APCC)
http://www.aspca.org/site/PageServer?pagename=apcc
*submitted by*
CBoyd53818
Shorti-OnLine / Cat owners should be aware of the risks of Vaccine Related Cancer
http://www.shorti-online.org/
http://www.puppyshop.com/names/names.htm
http://srd.yahoo.com/drst/15950012/*http://www.puppyshop.com/names/names.htm
A zillion dog names
Owners of Blind Dogs
http://www.blinddogs.com/
Children and Dogs - Humane Society of Denver
http://www.ddfl.org/behavior/children.htm
Welcome To ABLEdogs Home Page!
http://www.abledogs.net/
DOGFANCY
http://www.animalnetwork.com/dogfancy/
v v v v v
I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway though.
v v v v v
Wife: "Honey, I wish I was a newspaper, so I'd be in your hands all day."
Husband: "I wish you were, too. I could have a new one everyday."
v v v v v
v v v v v
The Top 7 Differences If James Bond Were a Travel Agent
7> All travel destinations listed in the brochures are
"undisclosed locations."
6> The good news is you're booked for the best penthouse suite in
Vegas. The bad news is you have to get there by
High-Altitude-Low-Opening paradrop.
5> Your rental car comes with dual sidewinder heat-seeking
missiles and an ejector seat.
4> The stewardess on your flight will stab you with the
retractable blade in her shoe if she doesn't like how you
pinch her bottom.
3> "No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to fly coach!"
2> The "all-inclusive" resort he's sent you to seems to be
staffed entirely by eye-patch wearing, wheel-chair bound men
with a strange affinity for cats.
and the Number 1 Difference If James Bond Were
a Travel Agent...
1> "I'm sorry sir, but Pussy Galore is a name, not an amenity."
v v v v v
Teach a child to be polite and courteous
in the home and, when he grows up,
he'll never be able to
edge his car onto a freeway.
v v v v v
Q: What's the difference between Virginia and West Virginia?
A: In Virginia, Moosehead is a beer.
In West Virginia, it's a misdemeanor.
v v v v v
v v v v v
"There's a woman who swam around Manhattan. Someone asked why
she did it. She said, "Because no one had ever done it before." Well,
she didn't have to do that. If she wanted to do something no one else
had ever done before, all she'd have to do is vacuum my apartment."
Rita Rudner
v v v v v
THE GREAT TRAIN MYSTERY
In a train carriage there were Bill Clinton, George W Bush,
a spectacular looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking
fat lady. After several minutes of the trip, the train passes
through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap
is heard. When they leave the tunnel, Clinton had a big red
slap mark on his cheek.
(1) The blonde thought - "That rascal Clinton wanted to touch
me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady,
who in turn must have slapped his face."
(2) The fat lady thought - "That dirty old Bill Clinton laid
his hands on the blonde and she smacked him."
(3) Bill Clinton thought - "George put his hand on that
blonde and by mistake she slapped me."
(4) George Bush thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon
so I can smack Clinton again."
v v v v v
SURPRISE INSIDE BASEBALL CAP
What's more American than "M&M's"® Chocolate Candies and baseball!
Create a hat full of treats for your child to feast on at the summer's big game.
What you'll need:
Clear cellophane
Red, white and blue ribbon
Baseball hat
Selection of SNICKERS®, MILKY WAY®, TWIX® and 3MUSKETEERS®
Brand Miniatures and "M&M's"® Milk Chocolate or Peanut Candies
What to do:
Fill your favorite team's hat with selection of SNICKERS®, MILKY WAY®, TWIX® or
3MUSKETEERS® Brand Miniatures or "M&M's"® Milk Chocolate or Peanut Candies.
Wrap hat with clear cellophane and tie with red, white and blue ribbon.
Makes 1 baseball cap.
v v v v v
A fellow nurse at my hospital received a call from an anxious woman.
"I'm diabetic and I'm afraid I've had too much sugar today," she said.
"Are you light-headed?" my colleague asked. "No, I'm a brunette."
v v v v v
Riddler.com- Free Online Games
http://www.riddler.com/hub.html
GAMES PAGES FOR ALL AGES
http://community-2.webtv.net/richduff/GAMESPAGESFORALLAGES/
NT's Diversions: Yahtzee
http://www.geocities.com/SiliconValley/7174/yahtzee.htm
The Face Memory Game
http://www.pages2send.com/face/facemem.htm
"Same Game" Puzzle
http://www.ishaah.com/Samegame.htm
"WordScram" - A Non-Java word game for the web!
http://www.billsgames.com/wordscram/
VOGClub.com Online Multiplayer Games - Home - Backgammon, Chess,
Checkers/Draughts, Reversi (Othello), Hearts...
http://www.billsgames.com/wordscram/
JigZone: Jigsaw Puzzles Online
http://jigzone.com/
Netives.com [Games/Marbles]
http://www.netives.com/altAds.jsp
BALLGAME
http://morphmaster.com/bballs.htm
iSketch
http://www.isketch.net/isketch.shtml
This is neat
dtoy_vs_byokal
http://www.zefrank.com/dtoy_vs_byokal/
Games.com -- All the Games You Love to Play...Online!
http://www.zefrank.com/dtoy_vs_byokal/
Internet Chess Club
http://www.chessclub.com/
The Space Shuttle Game
http://marshallbowling.com/java_cyberToys/Shuttle/shuttle.html
CarThief
http://downloads-zdnet.com.com/3000-2119-10207446.html?tag=lst-2-13
You are a criminal, you are pushed for money, and you need to get it urgently by all
means. Create your own team for stealing or jacking vehicles, robbing banks and shops,
picking pockets, or even fighting other gangs. In version 4.2, you get new action type,
new equipment, in-game music, and some serious bug fixes.
v v v v v
The coed cutie returned to the sorority house after her first breakfast date
at the neighboring fraternity with her steady boyfriend.
Asked what she had for breakfast, she replied dreamily, "Him and eggs."
v v v v v
Comic relief: When you add a touch of humor to an otherwise serious
situation. Like the word "obey" in the marriage ceremony.
v v v v v
Important Things to Remember
Heed the following maintenance tips for optimum wiper blade performance and driving visibility:
Tip #1: Replace your wiper blades every 6 months or 6,000 miles - even if you live in a "dry" place like Arizona.
Tip #2: Consider your options when replacing your windshield wipers:
Option 1
You can replace just the refills (squeegees), which are the rubber wiping components installed
into the vertebrae. This is your most economical option.
Option 2
You can replace the blades, which is the complete assembly composed of the metal frame and the
refill. Although slightly more expensive, this option is faster to install and provides you with the
benefit of improved windshield contact and, hence, wiping efficiency.
Windshield Wiper Maintenance Shopping List
Whenever you replace your wipers, don't forget to also check your:
- Rear Wipers -
- Headlight Wipers -
- Wiper Motors -
- Windshield Washer Pump -
- Windshield Washer Hoses -
- Windshield Washer Fluid -
- Windshield Washer Fluid Tank (Reservoir) -
CarTech
http://cl.com.com/Click?q=9c-xt6pQansDfcm_Eva-sOAtqirBnrR
Onboard computing, entertainment, communications, safety
and antitheft, cars of tomorrow!
v v v v v
I like a good meal; therefore, I don't cook.
v v v v v
One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and
pinched her on the butt and said,"If you firm this up, we could get rid
of your control top pantyhose."
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.
The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her
breasts and said "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."
This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his penis.
With a death grip in place, she said,"You know, if you firmed this up,
we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the poolman and your brother."
v v v v v
Mac OS 9 For Dummies
Dummies::Mac OS 9 For Dummies
http://cda.dummies.com/WileyCDA/DummiesTitle/productCd-0764506528.html
by Bob LeVitus, allows you to take total control of Mac OS 9 and
OS 9.1. Check it out!
Giving More Memory to a Mac OS 9 Program
Dummies::Giving More Memory to a Mac OS 9 Program
http://portal.hungryminds.com/etip.asp?topic=dd00&promo=RelatedArticles&link=cda.dummies.
com/WileyCDA/DummiesArticle.rdr?id=1260
Mac Tip: Customize Your Finder
http://cgi.techtv.com/memberservices/newsletters?click=23514&release=3177
You may not know this, but the Finder window on your Mac is completely customizable.
Apple Symbol Tip:
While in a word processing document, in SimpleText for example, to produce an "Apple" symbol,
hit Option + Shift + K while using a system font like Charcoal or Chicago.
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The Top 8 Redneck Diet Books
8> How to Boil Up Thet Goat Oncet the Menfolks Git Thru With It
7> Grampaw's Frittered Critter Diet
6> Lean Cookin' with the Buck Nekkid Chef
5> Daisy Dukin' Without the Pukin'
4> The Jenny-Craig and Jim-Bob Diet Plan
3> Roadkill for Life: Flat Food for a Flat Belly
2> Thirty Days to, Uhm, a Month or Sumpin'
and the Number 1 Redneck Diet Book...
1> Microwave With Me, Jesus
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Internet Reality
http://coopsjokes.com/toons11/real-int.htm
Crazy Doodle and Pictures - Blonde from Behind
http://www.crazydoodle.com/popup.htm
Check out the cards they are holding *smile*
Test your mouse!
http://www.grin-reaper.com/mousetest.htm
LOL!
FrEaKy FoLk - The wackiest and weirdest people in the world!
http://www.polarboy.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/freakyfolk/
Level Orange
http://www.curlydavid.com/lorg.html
~AIKEN DRUM'S~ * a laugh a day *
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/forfun/funny111.html
Toast
http://www.fa-art.pp.se/toast.htm
Art made from toast...
~AIKEN DRUM'S~ * a laugh a day *
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/forfun/funny112.html
~AIKEN DRUM'S~ * a laugh a day *
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/forfun/funny113.html
~AIKEN DRUM'S~ * a laugh a day *
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/forfun/funny114.html
Guess the Beer
http://www.grin-reaper.com/gtb.htm
Guess the beer
Application For Redneck Driver's License
http://www.curlydavid.com/rdl.html
The Navy's Terrorist Catch/Release Program
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/catchrel.shtml
BoyToys
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/boytoys.shtml
hehehe
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Six stages of married life:
1:Tri-weekly
2:Try weekly
3:Try weakly
4.Try oysters
5:Try anything
6:Try to remember
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Your wife's cute when she's mad at you
She wants a divorce
She's a lawyer
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CLASSIC COUNTRY SONGS TITLES -- TAKE 2
Since "I'd Rather Have a Bottle in Front of Me Than a Frontal Labotomy,"
here's a Bakers' Dozen additional song titles from what may well be the
Country Music Hall of Shame.
"Are You on the Top 40 of the Lord?"
"Billy Broke My Heart at Walgreen's and I Cried All the Way to Sears"
"Don't Chop Any Wood, Mother, I'm Coming Home With a Load"
"Drop Kick Me Jesus Thru the Goal Posts of Life"
(A particular favorite of Texan "Dandy Don" Meredith
when he was a commentator on ABC's "Monday Night Football'."
Another fave of Don's: "God Didn't Make Honkey Tonk Angels".)
"Going to Hell in Your Heavenly Arms"
"How Come Your Dog Don't Bite Nobody But Me?"
"I'd Rather Pass a Kidney Stone Than Another Night With You"
"I Wouldn't Take Her to a Dog Fight, 'Cause I'm 'Fraid She'd Win"
"If Fingerprints Showed Up on Skin, I Wonder Whose I'd Find on You?"
"If I Can't Be Number One in Your Life, Then Number Two on You!"
"If I'd Killed You When I Wanted to, I'd Be Out of Jail By Now"
"If I Had it to Do All Over Again, I'd Do It All Over You"
"Last Night I Went to Bed With a '10,' and Woke Up This Morning With a '2'"
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You Know You're From a Small Town If...
- You can name everyone you graduated with.
- You know what 4-H is.
- You ever went to parties at a pasture, barn, or in the middle of a dirt road.
- You schedule parties around the schedule of different
police officers, since you know which ones would bust you
and which ones wouldn't- same goes with the game warden.
- You ever went cow tipping or snipe hunting.
- You could never buy cigarettes because all the store clerks
knew how old you were (and if you were old they'd tell your parents anyhow).
- It was cool to date someone from the neighboring town.
- You had senior skip day.
- The whole school went to the same party after graduation.
- You don't give directions by street names or directions by
references (turn by Nelson's house, go two blocks east
Anderson's, and it's four houses left of the track field).
- The cc golf course had only 9 holes.
- You can't help but date a friend's ex-girlfriend.
- Your car stays filthy because of the dirt roads, and you will
never own a dark vehicle for this reason.
- You think kids that ride skateboards are weird.
- The town next to you is considered "trashy" or "snooty", but
is actually just like your town.
- Getting paid minimum wage is considered a raise
- You refer to anyone with a house newer than 1980 as the "rich people."
- The people in the city dress funny, then you pick-up on the trend two years later.
- Anyone you want can be found at either the Dairy Queen or the feed store.
- You see at least one friend a week driving a tractor through town.
- Football coaches suggest that you haul hay for the summer to get stronger.
- The city council meets at the coffee shop.
- Weekend excitement involves a trip to a Wal-Mart.
- Even the ugly people enter beauty pageants.
- Your teacher calls you by your older siblings names.
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DebsSweet@aol.com
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*submitted by*
HUMPHRY66
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it
started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end,
put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years
of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.
Lady 1: It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel.
The pharmacist fainted.
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Switching cell phone carriers? Read this first!
http://cl.com.com/Click?q=86-8fH1QCJH04JeBRm_r6P2_9fOZ_PR
If you're considering a move from one cell
phone carrier to another, good luck! Comparing prices,
hardware, and contracts is more complex than ever. Here's
some advice for making the analysis easier.
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Signs That You're Broke
~ At communion you go back for seconds.
~ You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.
~ You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.
~ Long distance companies don't call you to switch.
~ You give blood everyday ... just for the orange juice.
~ McDonald's is the supplier of all your kitchen condiments.
~ American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"
~ Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.
~ You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.
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`
Did you hear about the South Carolina redneck who passed away and left
his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow?
She can't touch it till she's fourteen.
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A diet is when you have to go to some length to change your width.
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AOL Spamfighters!
Are you sick of checking your new mail only to find more annoying spam waiting to be deleted?
So are we! AOL currently blocks the delivery of over 1 billion spam messages daily -- check our
live ticker to see how many we've blocked so far today. Join the fight by signing an anti-spam
petition, using AOL's tools to report spam, and setting your mail controls so fewer junk
messages get through. Find out how at AOL Keyword: Spam.
Tech & Gadgets
Graduation season is in full swing and Father's Day is right around the corner. What better
gift for your favorite grad or dad than a digital camera, MP3 player or laptop? AOL rounds
up the latest and greatest gadgets at AOL Keyword: Tech & Gadgets.
MusicNet on AOL
MusicNet on AOL is a safe, legal way to discover, download and burn CD-quality music.
Access over 300,000 songs from leading artists across all music styles, from yesterday's
classics to today's hottest hits. The song files are guaranteed to be CD-quality, plus they're virus-free,
ad-free, properly labeled and always available. MusicNet is the easiest, most convenient music
experience online. Try it free for 30 days at AOL Keyword: MusicNet.
Movie Downloads
AOL's all-new movie and TV downloads area features screensavers, wallpaper, downloadable
games and more from your favorite movies, such as 'Finding Nemo', 'Harry Potter', 'Lord of the
Rings' and 'The Matrix.' Best of all, they're all FREE! Check them out at AOL Keyword:
Movie & TV Downloads.
Answer Line: Computing Q & A
PC World's Answer Line column answers readers' computing questions. This month find out
how to identify and shut down unnecessary programs that may be slowing down your PC;
find out the cause of sudden reboots; save power by letting your PC 'hibernate'; and exit Windows with a single click.
Get details.
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The Red Cross said they need blood. They can have all of my husband's.
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Top 10 Reasons Why Lawyers Should Replace Lab Rats
There is an endless supply.
Lab assistants don't get attached to them.
It's more fun to shave and stick needles in lawyers.
There are some things rats just won't do.
It's fun to dispose of them when you're through.
It's not "inhumane" treatment, when it comes to lawyers.
No one cares when a lawyer squeals.
We've seen what happens when they are allowed to breed freely.
Lawyers belong in cages.
Animal rights activist don't care if you torture them.
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Go Wild About Summer at the L.A. Zoo!
http://www.lazoo.org/gowild.html
KIDS WEBSITES "Kids games, kids chat room, kids stuff, clothes, for kids, safe surfing, homework help"
http://www.uk250.co.uk/Kids/
Welcome to The Network For Kids - Websites for Kids!
http://www.thenetworkforkids.com/
Kid Stuff
http://womencentral.net/kidstuff.html
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An Russian man is walking through a bazaar, when a stranger comes
up to him and offers to sell him some illegal Viagra for 100
rubles. "No, not worth it!"
"OK, how about 50 rubles?"
"No, not worth it!"
"OK, 20?"
"No, not worth it!"
"How about 10?"
"No, not worth it!"
"Listen, these pills cost $10 American each. How can you say
they are not worth it?"
"Oh, the pills are worth it, it's my wife is not worth it."
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Two paramedics were dispatched to check on an elderly man who had
become disoriented. They decided to take him to the hospital for evaluation...
En route, with siren going, they questioned the man to determine his
level of awareness.
Leaning close, one asked, "Sir, do you know what we're doing right now?"
The old man slowly looked out the ambulance window. "Oh," he
replied, "I'd say about 50, maybe 55."
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Debsnewsletter - Archives
http://debsnewsletter.com/archives.shtml
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Difference between a virus and Windows ? Viruses rarely fail!
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As a drunk guy staggers out of the bar one Friday evening, a fire engine
races past, siren wailing and lights flashing. Immediately, the drunk
starts chasing the engine, running as fast as he can until eventually he
collapses, gasping for breath. In a last act of desperation he shouts
after the fire engine, "If that's the way you want it, you can keep
your bloody ice cream!"
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*submitted by*
Teacher310
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John: I'm going to the kitchen, Jill. Can I get you
anything while I'm up?
Jill: If you're up, you already have something for me.
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A woman with 14 children, ages one through fourteen,
decided to sue her husband for divorce on grounds of desertion.
"When did he desert you," the judge asked.
"Thirteen years ago," she replied.
"If he left 13 years ago, where did all the children
come from?"
"Well," said the woman," he kept coming back to say he was sorry."
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Cool Tricks in the Palm of Your Hand
http://cgi.techtv.com/memberservices/newsletters?click=22631&release=3071
Getting your Palm handheld to work the way you want is harder than teaching a 12-year-old
golden retriever a new trick. Don't worry, you can use the tricks on today's "Call for Help."
(Sorry, but your handheld still won't sit up and beg or fetch the paper.)
TechTV | Cat's Clicks: Must-Have PDA Downloads
http://cgi.techtv.com/memberservices/newsletters?click=22632&release=3071
If you have a Palm PDA or Pocket PC, hopefully you're not just keeping phone numbers and
a calendar on them. You can do so much more. Today I'll show off two sites full of cool
stuff to make your PDA life worth living again
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While attending a marriage seminar on communication,
David and his wife listened to the instructor declare,
"It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that
are important to each other."
He addressed the m