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to
Editor: DebsSweet
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Book Editor: Teacher260
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Happy Fourth of July Peeps!
Want to know how to install a CD-RW or DVD-R Drive? The people
at TechTV will show you how at the COMPUTER TIPS section below.
Don't miss the NAUGHTY section this week! Funny audio!
The Giz Wiz picks all the best doodads for summer fun. And they all cost
$40 or less and you can find them in the CHECK IT OUT section!
Head to the SURFIN' section for the link to the National Do Not Call
Registry! Now YOU will be in charge of the telemarketing calls you receive at home!
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to me, DebsSweet@aol.com and your request will be handled promptly.
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order as of this date. Always be aware of the risks out there and keep current with your
anti-virus software.
Kick up your feet and put your problems behind you
cause darlin', it's time to ROCK AND ROLL!
and don't forget to buckle your seatbelts, cause it's going to be a wild ride!
"You are the best list on the web"
Roilver614
"Hi Deb: Just writing to let you know that i have a new email addy. Love your emails - Rockin and Rollin and
am looking forward to recieving them again!! They are the best!!!!!!! Thanking you Mary"
patm@eastlink.ca
"YOU KEEP IT ROCKIN CAUSE IT IS SO SWEET AND I LOVE TO GET THE EMAIL FROM
ALL OF YOU THERE - THANKS TMB"
tosselmae@hotmail.com
v v v v v
Sober:
Condition in which it is almost impossible
for a man to fall in love.
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A lot of voters are getting a little bored with the 2-party system. Even
the Reform Party and the Libertarian Party aren't making much of a
showing this year. So we have created a list of the Top Ten independent
political parties we'd like to see in the next Presidential election.
10. The Crack Party... We're split down the middle.
9. The Mouth Party... And you're invited to cum.
8. The Gay/NRA Party... We're here, we're queer... YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?
7. The Pity Party.. C'mon, we never win anything. Vote for us once, will ya please?
6. The Private Party... No comment.
5. The Cocktail Party... Cock and Tail - does it get any better than this?
4. The Search Party... Looking for members.
3. The Keg Party... Dude, we could so totally run the country.
2. Non-partisan party... We believe in what you believe in.
And the number 1 independent political party we'd like to see:
1. The Beaver Party... Oh, forget it - we've already got Bush.
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Astronaut
Type: Shooter
1 oz. Vodka (Chilled)
Slice of Lime
Ground Coffee
Sugar
Instructions:
Coat the slice of lime 1/2 with coffee and 1/2 with sugar, suck it and down the shot.
You'll see Saturn and beyond.
Absolut Bitch
Type: Shooter
3/4 oz. Absolut Vodka
1/2 oz. Bailey's Irish Cream
1/2 oz. Tuaca
1/2 oz. Kahlua
Instructions:
Shake with ice and strain into a shot glass.
Absolut Legspreader
Type: Shooter
1 oz. Absolut Vodka
1 oz. Midori
Instructions:
Serve in a shot glass.
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Women's Rules For Men
1. Call.
2. Don't lie.
3. Never tape any of her body parts together.
4. If guys' night out is going to be fun, invite the girls.
5. The correct answer to "Do I look fat?" is never, ever "Yes."
6. Ditto for "Is she prettier than me?"
7. Victoria's Secret is good. Frederick's of Hollywood is bad.
8. Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad.
9. Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad.
10. "Honey," "Darling," and "Sweetheart" are good. "Nag,"
"Lard*ss," and "B*tch" are bad.
11. Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony.
12. A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any question.
13. None of your ex-girlfriends was ever nicer, prettier, or better in bed.
14. Her cooking is excellent.
15. That isn't an excuse for you to avoid cooking.
16. Dish soap is your friend.
17. Hat does not equal shower, after-shave does not equal soap, and
warm does not equal clean.
18. Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay.
19. Answering "Who was that on the phone?" with "Nobody" is never
going to end that conversation.
20. Ditto for "Whose lipstick is this?"
21. Two words: clean socks.
22. Believe it or not, you're probably not more attractive when
you're all sweaty.
23. Burping is not sexy.
24. You're wrong.
25. You're sorry.
26. She is probably less impressed by your discourse on your cool
car than you think she is.
27. Ditto for your discourse on football.
28. Ditto for your ability to jump up and hit any awning in a
single bound.
29. "Will you marry me?" is good. "Let's shack up together" is bad.
30. Don't assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood.
31. Don't assume PMS doesn't exist.
32. No means No. Yes means Yes. Silence could mean anything she
feels like at that particular moment in time, and it could
change without notice.
33. Never let her walk anywhere alone after 11pm.
34. Chivalry and feminism are NOT mutually exclusive.
35. Pick her up at the airport. Don't whine about it, just do it.
36. If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Don't act
like a complete jerk until she does it for you.
37. Don't tell her you love her if you don't.
38. Tell her you love her if you do. Often.
39. Always, always suck up to her brother.
40. Think boxers. Silk boxers.
41. Remember Valentine's Day, and any cheesy "anniversary" she so names.
42. Don't try to change the way she dresses.
43. Her haircut is never bad.
44. Don't let your friends pick on her.
45. The rules are never fair. Accept this without question.
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Microsoft Corporation
http://microsoft.com/
Corvette 50th Anniversary - All Roads Lead To Nashville
https://www.corvette50thanniversary.com/default_home.asp
Federal Trade Commission - The Do Not Call Registry
http://www.ftc.gov/bcp/conline/edcams/donotcall/index.html
*submitted by*
Teacher310
JUST PLAIN PRETTY SHOW
http://www.wtv-zone.com/cal555/JPP/framespg.html
*submitted by*
Jan26man
Cyberfireworks.com - Virtual Fireworks Show
http://www.cyberfireworks.com/carnival.htm
Click on the 'sky'
American Idol Hometown Hero Clay Aiken Visits The Triangle
http://www.cbc-raleigh.com/capcom/news/2003/mix_03/clay_aiken_visit/clay_aiken_visit.htm
Classic TV Shows - Dick Clark's American Bandstand
http://www.fiftiesweb.com/bandstnd.htm
VOTE.COM - Homepage
http://www.vote.com/
Sky and Telescope - Upcoming Eclipses
http://skyandtelescope.com/observing/objects/eclipses/article_80_1.asp
Caricature Zone
http://www.magixl.com/
Click on GENERATOR to very easily create your own
caricature (no artsy skills required!) Or find
meaningless amusement among 1000s of other caricature
related games, galleries and tools. It's a feast
for cartoon lovers!
The Webby Awards: 2003 Winners
http://www.webbyawards.com/main/webby_awards/winners.html#fashion
Obviously they didn't see *our* site LOL
*submitted by*
ColleenBokelman
Pit gallery
http://www.shamey.com/pit/pit.htm
2. The Smorgasbord - Comprehensive Search
http://www.smorgasbord.net/ult-search/comp-search.shtml
3. The Smorgasbord: A Virtual Internet Buffet
http://www.smorgasbord.net/
4. Ditto.com - see the web
http://www.ditto.com/
dDate
http://www.magnum7sins.com/theSun/ddate.html
This site will ask you a series of questions and show you the celebrity
pic of your perfect date
Questions to make you think - Brain Candy mind games collection
http://www.corsinet.com/braincandy/question.html
Some of these are easy -- some take lots of thought!
*submitted by*
APPMFRANCO@wmconnect.com
The Lingle's Herbs Newsletter
http://www.linglesherbs.com/newsletr.htm
Gardening, cooking and more!
2. RootsWeb.com Home Page
http://www.rootsweb.com/
Free genealogy site
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Grilled vegetable quesadilla
Sometimes you can prepare a dish that kills two birds
with one stone. For example, these full-flavored snacks
make a great party appetizer for adults or a fun meal for
kids. Serves 2-4.
Ingredients:
* 4 large Flour tortillas
* 1 Green bell pepper, cut into strips
* 1 Zucchini, sliced
* 1 medium Red onion, sliced
* 1 Portabella mushroom, sliced
* 1/4 cup Olive oil
* 1 cup Pepper jack cheese
* Spray oil
* Salsa
* Guacamole
* Sour cream
Step 1: Toss the vegetables with the olive oil. Grill unti soft.
Step 2: Place 1/2 of the cheese on two tortillas. Top with
the vegetables, the rest of the cheese and finally the
remaining tortillas.
Step 3: Heat a skillet. Spray with the oil and add one of
the quesadillas. Cook, turning once, until the cheese has
melted and the tortilla is a light brown. Repeat with the
second quesadilla.
Step 4: Slice into pie-like slices. Serve warm with sides
of salsa, guacamole and sour cream.
Step 5: Eat!
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CATS GONE WILD!
or call it "Cats Caught on Tape", but it's
enormously entertaining (and it's all at the
expense of nutty kitties.) Mac users will
have to download the Mac Version of Windows
Media Player to view it. Get it at versiontracker.com
http://www.humorbomb.com/movies/funnycats.wmv
Cats Gone Wild
http://64.82.98.159/funnycats.wmv
This is fun !!!!
Zola Bella
http://www.zolabella.com/
Beautiful handcrafted jewelry for pets
Barks Pup Avenue- Luxury Dog Boutique designer dog beds, dog collars, furniture, dog apparel,
dog bakery, gourmet treats, do
http://store.yahoo.com/barkspupavenue1/index.html
http://www.fifiandromeo.com/shop05.html
http://www.fifiandromeo.com/shop05.html
Stop Gas Euthanasia in North Carolina Petition
http://www.thepetitionsite.com/takeaction/832620530?ts=1054446313&sign[partner_user
ID]=698468796&sign[memberID]=698468796&sign[partnerID]=1
Thousands of dogs are put down every year in North Carolina. Many shelters have not updated
their method of euthanasia and are still using the gas chamber. In many peoples eyes this
is not humane. The only humane way to put a dog to sleep is by lethal injection through a vein
in the leg. This method takes less than 30 seconds and is pain free for the most part.
Warning - this is site explains the horror in how gas is administered and the results
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Sign up for the Google Newsletter
http://www.google.com/contact/newsletter.html
Google publishes a newsletter about all the groundbreaking privacy-invading tricks and
tools it comes up with.
v v v v v
FUN THINGS TO DO ON A DATE
(This may be your last date as well)
Warning: Actually doing any of the following will absolutely, positively
guarantee that your date will run quickly away from you screaming something
about you being completely insane...
1. Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice.
2. Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions.
3. Repeat every third third word you say say.
4. Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date.
5. Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms
outstretched, and make airplane sounds.
6. Order a bucket of lard.
7. Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works very well in fancier
venues that use linen tablecloths.
8. Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking
about himself/herself.
9. When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food.
10. Without asking, eat off of your date's plate. Eat more from their plate
than they do.
11. Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their plates.
12. Drool.
13. Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full, and spray crumbs.
If a crumb lands anywhere near your date, pick up the crumb, put it in your
mouth and say, "I'm all about conservation."
14. Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head waiter/hostess
and ask for another table in a different part of the restaurant. Order
another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask him/her "What took you so
long in the bathroom?!"
15. Beg your date to tattoo your name on their forearm. Keep bringing the
subject up periodically throughout the meal.
16. Refuse to communicate in anything but mime for the entire evening.
17. Order a baked potato. When the waiter brings your food, hide the potato,
wait a few minutes, and ask the waiter for the potato you "never got". When
the waiter returns with another potato, have the first one back on your
plate. Watch the waiter's face.
18. Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt.
19. Insist that the waiter cut your food into little pieces. In a similar
manner, insist that he take a bite of everything to make sure no one has
poisoned your food.
20. Bring a bucket along. Explain that you frequently get ill.
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Game Show Network
http://www.gameshownetwork.com/index2.html
Arm Wrestling Freud
http://www.matazone.co.uk/arm_wrestling_freud.html
SlamBall
http://slamball.warnerbros.com/
http://people.fas.harvard.edu/~pyang/flash/miniputt.swf
http://people.fas.harvard.edu/~pyang/flash/miniputt.swf
Scatoms Review at Free Downloads Center
http://www.freedownloadscenter.com/Reviews/r957.html
Get ready to blow your mind! Scatoms is the hot new game from Big Fish Games that will have your
mind going off like a bag of pop-rocks! The game is a cut-an-above difficult, to say the least. If you want a
challenge, look no further than Scatoms. The goal is similar to other games they make but they decided
to not only make the game immensely harder than the likes of Clickum, but also make you feel inferior by
giving you fewer points in the process of your game. But let me tell you, when you finally clear
your board with a big nuke, you will feel like a king or queen amongst human kind.
iPlay Bompers
http://iplay.com/bompers.htm
Fun and friendly Internet hangout that brings together a variety of unique,
wacky social games, music, etc
Gems 3D Puzzle Game for Windows
http://members.cox.net/gems3d/gems3d.exe
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The Top 15 Worst Names for Boats
copyright chris white topfive.com
15> Hazelwood's Party Pad
14> The Gerald Fitzedmund
13> The Absolutely, Positively, Iron-Clad-Guarantee,
Zero-Possibility-Of-Error Unsinkable
Just-Made-the-Final-Payment
12> The www.MakeMoneyFromBelowDeck.com
11> Osama bin Sailin'!
10> U.S.S. Shirley Shirley bo birley banana fana fo firley me mi
mo mirley... SHIRLEY!
9> The Compensator
8> Jenna, the Girl I Dated in High School Who Gave Me Herpes and
Cheated on Me With My Dad's Best Friend
7> The Havana Ferry
6> *NSINK
5> Carrie Ingillegalimigrantsanddrugsininternationalwaters
4> H.M.S. Chum Bucket
3> Ignore This Distress Call
2> James Cameron's Wet Dream
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Worst Name for a Boat...
1> The #13 Unsinkable Kennedy 666
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"There's a woman who swam around Manhattan. Someone asked why she did it.
She said, "Because no one had ever done it before."Well, she didn't
have to do that. If she wanted to do something no one else had ever
done before, all she'd have to do is vacuum my apartment."
-- Rita Rudner
The Smoking Gun: Archive
http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/towerrelease1.html
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You might be a redneck if.......
You've ever done your Christmas shopping at a truck stop.
You've ever lost your wife in a poker game.
You bought a VCR to record Rasslin' while you're at work.
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A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back
toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.
The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die?
Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this
demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so
deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."
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*submitted by*
ColleenBokelman
Bruce's Happy 4th of July Links
http://members.tripod.com/~Willing2Help/jul.html
*submitted by*
GuysBabi
The 4th of July
http://www.grace24u.org/july4th.html
Fourth of July Celebrations Database
http://www.american.edu/heintze/fourth.htm
4th of July - Independence Day
http://www.usacitylink.com/usa/
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The Top 8 Signs You're Not Cut Out to Be a Veterinarian
8> A visit to the petting zoo ends up with you requiring heavy sedation.
7> "Trim nails first, THEN take temperature" is tattooed on your
scarred, bloody forearm.
6> Dog snot makes you itch.
5> When describing a patient, you once used the word "sexy."
4> You laughed hysterically at the end of "Old Yeller."
3> A new client brings her bulldog in for shots; you perform
emergency reconstructive surgery on its "smashed-up face."
2> Your recommended diet for dogs? Pizza and beer.
and the Number 1 Sign You're Not
Cut Out to Be a Veterinarian...
1> You think there's a place for all creatures great and small,
but it's right beside the mashed potatoes.
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*submitted by*
APPMFRANCO@wmconnect.com
Barbecue Green Beans
Serving Size: 6
2 slices Bacon
1 small Onion -- chopped
1 Garlic clove -- minced
4 c Fresh green beans or -- canned and drained
1 t Seasoned salt -- or to taste
1/2 tsp Black pepper
3/4 c Prepared barbecue sauce
Cook bacon until crisp in a heavy skillet. Drain on paper towels, crumble
and set aside. Sauté onion and garlic in drippings. Combine beans, bacon,
onions, garlic, seasonings and barbecue sauce in a lightly greased crockpot. Cook on
low for 6 to 8 hours or on high for 3 1/2 to 4 1/2 hours.
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Banana Blowout
6 scoops French Vanilla ice cream
1 tablespoon choloclate flavored syrup
1 banana, peeled
1/4 teaspoon almond extract
whipped cream
silvered almonds
chocolate shavings
maraschino cherries In blender, combine ice cream, chocolate syrup, banana and almond
extract. Blend until smooth. Pour mixture into small glass. Top each glass with a dollop
of whipped cream and garnishe with almonds, chocolate shavings and cherries.
v v v v v
*submitted by*
Teacher310
Well, it seems these two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter, decided
they should go to college so they could get ahead.
Bubba went in first, and the professor advises him to take
Math, History, and Logic.
"What's Logic?" Bubba asked.
"Well, let me give you an example," said the professor.
"Do you own a weed-eater?"
"Sure do," the redneck responded.
"Okay. Then I assume, using logic, that you have a yard," the
professor went on.
"That's real good," said the redneck, in awe.
"Logic also tells me that since you have a yard, you also have
a house. Is that right?"
"GAWL-LEE!" the redneck shouted.
"And since you own a house and a house is tough to take care
of by yourself, logic dictates that you have a wife. Right?"
"Betty Mae! This is incredible!" Bubba is catching on now.
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume you
are heterosexual rather than homosexual. Is that right?"
"You are absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin'
thang I ever heerd of. I can't wait to take this here logic class!"
Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back
into the hallway where Cooter is still waiting. "So what classes are ya takin"? Cooter asks.
"Math, History, and Logic," replied Bubba. "What in tarnation is logic?" asks Cooter.
"Let me give you an example," Bubba says. "Do you own a weed-eater?"
"No." says Cooter.
"You're Queer, aintcha?"
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*submitted by*
Teacher310
An irate wife was complaining about her husband
spending all his free time in a bar,
so one night he took her along with him.
"Well, what'll you have?" he asked.
"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied.
So, the husband ordered a couple of
Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot.
His wife watched him, then took a sip
from her glass and immediately spat it out.
"Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered.
"I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"
"Well, there you go," cried the husband.
"And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"
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*submitted by*
ColleenBokelman
"I AM God's gift to women," a bachelor boasted to a buddy.
"Yeah," his friend agreed. "But the problem is, they keep returning you."
v v v v v
*submitted by*
Teacher310
Speed Trap Exchange
http://www.speedtrap.org/index.html
Contribute to the speed trap exchange or read about speed traps
in other areas!
Supergeek Challenge: 21st Century Devices
http://cgi.techtv.com/memberservices/newsletters?click=23511&release=3177
Beam aboard the good ship Supergeek and prove you know about the newest
gadgets.
Wife Odyssey
http://www.wifeodyssey.com/
This guy is looking for a wife! Be SURE and read all about the
kind of lady he's looking for!
Cool Gadgets for Hot Weather
http://cgi.techtv.com/memberservices/newsletters?click=23504&release=3177
The Giz Wiz picks all the best doodads for summer fun. And they all cost
$40 or less.
*submitted by*
ColleenBokelman
He-nails or She-nails. A photo quiz.
http://www.nailpassion.com/quiz/quiz.htm#
Mount Everest. 360 degree panorama from the top of Mt Everest - QTVR panoramic movie from panoramas.dk
http://www.panoramas.dk/fullscreen2/full22.html
Boob Tube Is Watching You
http://cgi.techtv.com/memberservices/newsletters?click=23507&release=3177
Your television may be telling TV networks all about your viewing habits.
Find out how you can protect your privacy.
v v v v v
Two women were discussing their sex lives, when one asked: "Do you know
where I can get six black hens?"
The other looked bemused and replied: "Six black hens! why do you want
six black hens?
Her friend replied: "Because my husband's got a dead cock and I want to
use them as pall bearers!"
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It was the first camping experience for Doc. As soon as he had pitched
his tent, he went for a hike in the woods. In about fifteen minutes,
he rushed back into camp, bleeding and disheveled.
"What happened?" asked fellow camper Meg.
"I was chased by a black snake," cried the frightened Doc.
Meg laughed and noted, "A black snake isn't deadly, Doc."
"Listen," growled Doc, "if he can make you jump off a fifty-foot cliff,
he sure as shit is!"
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Things Men Need To Know:
1. Yes, Homer Simpson is funny -- but not on your tie.
2. Getting your girlfriend to iron your jeans is unacceptable -
Ironing them yourself is irrefutable evidence of an unsound mind.
3. Cowboy boots - No!
4. Pointy lace-up shoes make women retch.
5. Going bald? Shave it off, for God's sake.
6. Never take your shirt off in public, unless you've just won Wimbledon.
7. Donald Duck socks do not reflect your individuality nor the
wild side of your corporate facade. They do, however, mean
your mother still dresses you or you *wish* she did.
8. A jester hat does not a wacky man make. Even Noddy Holder regrets the 70s.
9. Speedos are only acceptable on Olympic swimmers...
10. ... as are medallions...
11. ... and tracksuits.
12. Do you have a gray, red and black asymmetrical bedspread?
Please seek help.
13. Open shirts...
one button open = professional
two buttons = casual
three buttons = oversharing.
14. Tight sleeveless muscle t-shirts are only okay if you're 17,
can do the running-on-the-spot dance at the drop of a hat,
and are a member of NSync.
15. Those fold-up scooters + over Twenty = Tosser. Plain and simple.
16. Here's a startling fact, guys: Lara Croft isn't real.
17. Is your definition of "new season shopping" buying the new
Blues Jersey? Please seek professional help.
18. Unless you own a rap empire, leave the chunky gold bracelet
and "ice" ring in the window of Goldmark where it can live a
long and happy life doing no one any harm.
19. You'll NEVER get chicks if you put your mobile in the mobile
phone pocket of your combats.
20. Bleached blonde hair: If it doesn't work for Eddie Irvine,
it's not going to do it for you.
Things Women need To Know:
1. Show more cleavage.
2. Wear shorter skirts.
v v v v v
"Don't marry a beautiful person. They may leave you. Of course, an ugly person may leave you too.
But, then, who cares?"
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My life's goal is to achieve total enlightenment.
But I'll settle for a girlfriend with huge hooters.
(James Knowles)
I bet the reason there's no punk band
called The Stapled Labia is that most
punk musicians can't decide for sure
what the plural of "labia" is.
(Scott E. Frank)
I used to worry that submitting dirty Ruminations
would ultimately be bad for my career. Then I
realized no one is supposed to use the Internet at
work anyway, so fuck it. And fuck my supervisor in
accounting, Gary H. Rathmussen, Jr., and his never-
washes-his-hands-after-using-the-bathroom bullshit.
(Brad Simanek)
I had a dream last night that I walked into my
college cafeteria and discovered one of the workers
having sex with a scrambled-egg-and-sausage
breakfast burrito. I'm sure this dream has a
Freudian meaning, but I think it may be in my
best interest not to figure out what it is.
(Rabbi Crut)
I finally went and got me one of them
penis extender things. Her name is Susan.
(Chris MacEachen)
Her legs made me notice. Her breathy whisper
intrigued me. Her dark eyes, slightly shrouded
by the wisps of smoke from her cigarette,
beckoned me closer. But it was her fe-mullet
that sealed the deal. Henceforth, *this* would
be the only AutoZone I would ever patronize.
(Brad Simanek)
Some days I get up in the morning and think to
myself, "I'm not going to be telepathic today."
Other days I get up and think to somebody else.
(Bob Coppedge)
Sometimes when we touch, the honesty's too much,
and I have to close my eyes and take a few steps back,
'cause I'm really not into that whole "honesty" thing.
(Mike MacDonald)
The Internet has revolutionized the way we work.
Just a few years ago, I would have wasted weeks at the
office trying to learn Meat Loaf's real first name.
(J. Hutter)
I'm at my wits' end! I've been to every psychiatrist from
Vienna to Malibu, and no one can help me. I'm positively
obsessed with the number "38" and the letter "D." For the
love of God, can't someone -- anyone -- tell me what it means?
(Chris MacEachen)
For me, learning to fly a plane was a lot like
learning to ride a bicycle, only the severe head
trauma was accompanied by an impromptu sex change.
(Andy Pierson)
They say that drinking beer will
dehydrate you. I say, "Only if you stop."
(Jeff Diamond)
I'm not laughing at you -- I'm laughing
with my friends who are laughing at you.
(Mark Stubbs)
My wife told me that picking my nose is disgusting.
Great -- now I've got to do it myself.
(Simon Richardson)
Finally breaking through all of the old grudges,
confronting past hurts, and truly forgiving my
ex-husband was easy. Giving him that hug that says
"everything's okay" was easy. The hard part was
digging his dismembered corpse out of my flower bed.
(Deonna Pinson)
v v v v v
ze's page
http://www.zefrank.com/predate/index.html
The online pre-date confidence builder *smile*
Freaky Animals - funny animal pictures, pet photos, posters, jokes, and more!
http://www.freakyanimals.com/pic.shtml?0479.jpg
The Gaytrix Reloaded
http://www.liquidgeneration.com/poptoons/gaytrix_reloaded.asp
Ugly Women Ugly Girls Ugly Chicks
http://ads.popupsponsor.com/media/iserve.phtml?a_id=7495&media_id=205704
The search for Bill's penis
Have FUN with Sars!
http://www.grin-reaper.com/funwsars.htm
v v v v v
A lady goes for her first golf lesson. The pro says,
"You've got to hold the club like you hold your
husband's organ."
She takes the club and hits the ball.
He says, "Beautiful. Perfect shot. Right down the
fairway. Now, take the club out of your mouth, put it
in your hands, and we'll go for distance."
v v v v v
Q: Why was two-piece bikini invented?
A: To separate meat section from the dairy section.
v v v v v
101 Of The Worst Foods
http://www.ediets.com/news/article.cfm?article_id=7764&code=24045
Physical activity helps control blood pressure
http://www.cnn.com/HEALTH/library/HI/00024.html
CNN.com - Study says patience is more than a virtue
http://www.cnn.com/2002/HEALTH/11/20/type.a.heart/index.html
The Benefits of Drinking Water
http://www.myramichaels.com/water.htm
Men Die Earlier, Have Worse Health Than Women
http://health.webmd.com/cgi-bin21/DM/y/aLco0BqWOJ0b60J340Af
Sun Safety Alliance - Sun Safety Alliance
http://www.sunsafetyalliance.org/
Did you know you can get a sunburn on a cloudy day? That concrete, sand, and water reflect 85 to 90%
of the sun's ultraviolet rays? Or that the deadliest kind of skin cancer, melanoma, kills someone every hour?
I figured there was no time like June to pick up these tidbits from the Sun Safety Alliance, an organization
dedicated to reducing skin cancer by motivating people to practice "safe sun." My friends at Coppertone Suncare
Products are among the founders of the group, and they'd be awfully pleased to have you drop in at their Web site
for more information that will literally save your skin
Understanding Anaphylaxis -- the Basics
http://health.webmd.com/cgi-bin21/DM/y/aLco0BqWOJ0b60K2S0AC
*submitted by*
APPMFRANCO@wmconnect.com
Walk of Life 10 Week Walking and Exercise Fitness Program
http://slclk.about.com/?zi=1/E%5DW
2. Weight Loss Truth - Chase Freedom Diet Reviews and Information
http://www.chasefreedom.com/
Diet Info and Reviews
3. Purdue Frederick Has Recalled OxyContin Tablets
http://www.safetyalerts.com/recall/f/02.2/f0002768.htm
3. Council on Family Health
http://www.cfhinfo.org/
Educating consumers on the safe and proper use of medicine
*submitted by*
KP1983
FIBROMYALGIA: SOME HELPFUL LINKS
http://community-2.webtv.net/lonine/guest/
Sunburn -- Topic Overview
http://health.webmd.com/cgi-bin21/DM/y/aLco0BqWOJ0b60J4D0Aw
Dehydration -- Topic Overview
http://health.webmd.com/cgi-bin21/DM/y/aLco0BqWOJ0b60J360Ah
v v v v v
An older lady was somewhat lonely, and decided that she needed
a pet to keep her company.
So off to the pet shop she went.
Forlornly, she searched. Nothing seemed to catch her interest, except this one ugly little frog.
As she walked by the barrel he was in, he looked up and winked at her!
He whispered, "I'm lonely too. Buy me and you won't be sorry."
The old lady figured, what the heck, after all, she hadn't found anything else.
So, she bought the frog and went to her car.
Driving down the road the frog whispered to her, "Kiss me and you won't be sorry."So, the old lady
figured what the heck, and kissed the frog. Immediately the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous,
sexy, handsome, young prince. Then the prince kissed her back.
And you know what the old lady turned into?
come on, guess........
The first motel she could find (She's old, not dead )
v v v v v
In the wake of the Exxon/Mobil deal and the AOL/Netscape deal, here are the
latest mergers we can expect to see:
Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush,
and W.R. Grace Company merge to become:
Hale Mary Fuller Grace.
Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler Crackers merge to become:
Polly-Warner-Cracker.
3M and Goodyear merge to become:
MMMGood.
John Deere and Abitibi-Price merge to become:
Deere Abi.
Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota
Mining merge to become:
Zip Audi Do Da.
Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil merge to become:
Honey I'm Home.
Denison Mines, and Alliance and Metal Mining merge to become:
Mine, All Mine.
Knott's Berry Farm and the National Organization for
Women merge to become:
Knott NOW.
v v v v v
2000 uses for WD40
http://www.twbc.org/wd40.htm
*submitted by*
APPMFRANCO@webconnect.com
Everything I Own is a home inventory program which tracks your posessions. The program
lets you keep track of the name of ea
http://mycroftcomputing.com/eiown.html
TechTV | Resisting Fungus Among Us, Flying Cars, and More
http://www.techtv.com/news/shownotes/story/0,24195,3421607,00.html
Learn about a company that's on its way to developing homes that are resistant
to mold and fungus.
v v v v v
NOTE FROM STEVE:
The impossible dream? The marriage that lasts
"forever"? Our contributors have collected a few
indicators to tell whether this marriage will
stand the test of time.
The Top 8 Signs Your Marriage Will Last Forever
copyright chris white topfive.com
8> He's a well-hung deafmute with lots of money who happens to
like housework -- what woman would divorce him?
7> The evil witch loves spending your money, won't grant you a
divorce, and has incriminating pictures of you and two circus midgets.
6> Some animals just naturally mate for life: crows, rats, Baptists....
5> You took your vows in Klingon, and in Klingon there is no word
for divorce. Also you'll never find another woman willing to
take her wedding vows in Klingon.
4> "... until death or the Cubs win the World Series do us part...."
3> Considering the expensive costumes and painful plastic
surgery, it would be too traumatic to break up the Captain
Kirk/Yeoman Rand thing you've created.
2> Separate beds, separate vacations, separate bank accounts.
and the Number 1 Sign Your Marriage Will Last Forever...
1> Her: Gymnast turned yoga instructor.
Him: A tongue longer than Gene Simmons'.
v v v v v
Ever log on to your ISP and discover that things aren't moving along very fast?
Maybe you've even experienced a dropped connection. Windows 95 can be configured to
keep a running log of your modem's activity. You can open it in Notepad or your favorite text editor
and find what went wrong. To make Windows record a log file for your modem right-click on the
icon for your dial up connection, then choose Properties, Configure, Connection. Click the Advanced
Button and check the Record log file box. You'll find a MODEMLOG.TXT file in your Windows
subdirectory. Double-click to open it in Notepad.
v v v v v
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll just run in and out and
in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For
heaven's sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out.'"
v v v v v
RED WHITE AND ROLL
Your kids will love helping you make this party-pleasing dessert! A "jelly roll" cake
with whipped topping, sliced strawberries and chopped MILKY WAY® Brand Miniatures,
decorated with red and blue "M&M's"® Milk Chocolate Candies!
What you'll need:
1 box yellow cake mix or your favorite jelly roll recipe
8 strawberries - sliced
2 8-ounce containers whipped topping
1 bag MILKY WAY® Brand Miniatures: 1/2 bag sliced, 1/2 bag chopped in half
1 bag "M&M's"® Milk Chocolate Candies with red and blue candies separated out
What to do:
Line a 20 1/2 x 14 1/2-inch sheet pan with parchment paper and spray sides of pan with cooking spray.
Bake cake in pan and let cool completely.
Place onto wax paper that has been sprinkled with confectioner's sugar to prevent sticking.
Spread one container of whipped topping onto cake; place strawberries and sliced MILKY WAY® Brand Miniatures onto whipped topping.
Roll into cylinder and frost with remaining container of whipped topping.
Decorate with remaining chopped MILKY WAY® Brand Miniatures or
"M&M's"® Milk Chocolate Candies.
*submitted by*
myrnadoman@attbi.com
Vernalisa's State Recipes
http://www.vernalisapartymenus.com/state.html
v v v v v
DebsSweet@aol.com
v v v v v
A husband was looking through the newspaper and came upon a study that said
that women use more words than men. Excited to prove to his wife that he
had been right all along when he accused her of talking too much, he showed
her the study results. It read, "Men use about 15,000 words a day while
women use about 30,000."
The wife thought a while, then finally said to her husband, "It's
because we have to repeat everything we say."
The husband said, "What?"
v v v v v
*submitted by*
Teacher310
The Queen of England was visiting one of New York's top hospitals, and during her tour
of the floors, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.
"Oh my God," said the Queen, "That's disgraceful! What is the meaning of this?" The Doctor
leading the tour explains, "I am sorry your grace, but this man has a very serious condition
where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they'll explode,
and he would die instantly." "Oh, I am sorry," said the Queen.
On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a male patient
a blow job. "Oh my God," said the Queen, "What's happening in there?" The Doctor replied,
"Same problem, better health plan."
v v v v v
v v v v v
*submitted by*
Teacher310
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington
chemistry mid-term exam. The answer by one student was so "profound"
that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of
course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question:
"Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?"
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas
cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some
variant, but fell short in producing a demonstration argument.
One student however wrote the following:
"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.
So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell
and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume
that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.
Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are
entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the
world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a
member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there are more than one of these religions and since
people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project
that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the
number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell
because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature
and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to
expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at
which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure
in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase
of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop
until Hell freezes over.
Considering then the postulate presented to me by Teresa K.
during my Freshman year: that "it will be a cold day in Hell
before I sleep with you" and taking into account the fact that
over two years later, I still have not succeeded in having relations
with her; then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that
Hell is exothermic and will not freeze."
The student received the only "A" given."
v v v v v
v v v v v
*submitted by*
Gilmore1949
I'm passing this along to you as I consider you a valued friend.
This worked for me and I think it may work for you. I have found Inner Peace.
Recently I read an article that stated: The best way to achieve inner peace
is to Finish Things You Have Started.
So today I finished two large bags of potato chips, the last half of a lemon
cream pie, a nearly full bottle of Jose Cuervo, a small box of Godiva
Chocolates and I slapped the living shit out of someone I have never liked.
I feel better than I have felt for a long time.
v v v v v
Fruity Fruit Shake
1 cup orange juice
1/2 cup apple juice
1 ripe banana, peeled
5 or 6 strawberries
1 carton (8 ounces) fruit yogurt
2 teaspoons honey
4 or 5 ice cubes In an electric blender, combine orange juice, apple juice, banana,
strawberries, yogurt and honey. Process until well combined. Refrigerate until chilled. If you
want to drink these drinks right away, then add the ice cubes also when blending.
v v v v v
Liposuction: Letting the fat out of the bag.
v v v v v
"Latinos are now the largest group of minorities in America.
There are now 36 million latinos in the U.S. That's more
than there are in Mexico."
Jay Leno
v v v v v
During a long rain delay, the baseball announcer filled in some
time by sharing some baseball trivia with his color man.
"Know who hit the most home runs between 1955 and 1975?
I'll tell you who -- Hank Aaron. Know who hit the most
RBIs between 1955 and 1975? Hank Aaron. And who got
hit on the chin with the most balls between 1955 and 1975?"
"Hank Aaron?" ventured the color commentator.
"Nope," said the announcer. "Liberace."
v v v v v
v v v v v
A farmer walks into a drug store and said to the pharmacist, I want me
one of them thar condoms with pesticides on it."
The pharmacist replied, "Oh sir, you must mean that you want the condoms
with SPERMICIDE. PESTICIDE is for killing insects, SPERMICIDE is for
killing sperm. I'm sure that you mean spermicide instead of pesticide."
"Listen," argued the farmer, "I want condoms with PESTICIDE on it, my
wife's got a bug up her ass, and I aim to kill it."
v v v v v
*submitted by*
APPMFRANCO@wmconnect.com
APRICOT-ALMOND BISCOTTI
1/2 C. butter
2/3 C. granulated sugar
2 tsp. baking powder
1/4 tsp. ground cardamom or cinnamon
2 eggs
1 tsp. vanilla extract
2 C. all-purpose flour
3/4 C. chopped almonds
3/4 C. finely snipped dried apricots
1 egg yolk (optional)
1 tsp. water (optional)
In large mixing bowl, beat the butter with an electric mixer on medium speed for 30
seconds or until softened. Add sugar, baking powder and cardamom or cinnamon.
Beat until combined. Beat in the eggs and vanilla extract. By hand, stir in any remaining
flour with the almonds and apricots. Divide the dough in half, If necessary. Cover and
chill for 1 to 2 hours or until easy to handle.
Shape each portion into a 9-inch long log; place about 4 inches apart on a lightly greased
cookie sheet. Flatten the logs slightly until about 2 inches wide. If desired, for a shiny surface,
stir together the egg yolk and water and brush onto the logs.
Bake in a 375ºF oven for 25 to 30 min or until a wooden pick inserted near the centers comes
out clean. Cool on the cookie sheet for about 1 hour.
With a serrated knife, cut each log diagonally into 1/2" thick slices. Lay the slices, cut
side down, on an ungreased cookie sheet. Bake in a 375ºF oven for 8 minutes and then turn
slices over; bake for an additional 8 to 10 minutes more until dry and crisp (do NOT underbake).
Cool on wire rack. Yields 32 slices.
WonderBlonde.com - Recipe of the Week
http://www.piercemercantile.com/wonderblonde/rotw_2-18-2003.htm
Melt in your mouth shortbread cookies
*submitted by*
KP1983
Fruit-shaped Marzipan Cookies
http://www.pastrywiz.com/dailyrecipes/recipes/589.htm
A simple almond-flavored dough becomes a fruit basket of sweet treats with
this super-easy and super-delicious recipe!
*submitted by*
APPMFRANCO@wmconnect.com
Jorj.com: Companion Website for 'At Home In the Kitchen'
http://www.jorj.com/
Recipes, tips, etc!
v v v v v
v v v v v
Top 10 Reasons Why SLEEP Is Better Than SEX!
10. You don't feel guilty about doing it alone.
9. No one ever starts rumors about how much you sleep.
8. You don't feel like a total loser if you didn't get any.
7. You don't have to pay for sleep.
6. You don't need to sleep after sleeping.
5. You can sleep for eight hours straight.
4. You can sleep in church.
3. Your teddy bear never complains.
2. While you're asleep you can have sex with anyone you want.
1. It's legal to sleep in any position in all 50 states!
v v v v v
According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females carry weapons and this
number is increasing. That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one
female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered
suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed. Flip one off?
I think not.
v v v v v
Decrease: De fold in de pants.
v v v v v
"According to a sociologist at Arizona State University, couples
who don't have children are the happiest. Unless of course, you
are Woody Allen, and the person you are dating *is* one of the
children ... that just throws the whole thing off."
Jay Leno
v v v v v
v v v v v
A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport.
"These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained. "These fairways
seem to be getting longer too," wheezed a second. "And somehow, the sand traps seem to be
bigger than I remember 'em too," said the third. Hearing just about enough from his buddies,
the oldest, and the wisest of the foursome at 87-years-old, piped up and said, "Oh my friends,
just be thankful we're still on THIS side of the grass!"
v v v v v
My Husband Is SO Mean That...
* He'd throw a drowning man both ends of the rope.
* I couldn't warm up to him if we were cremated together.
* He sends Get Well cards to hypochondriacs.
* He applied for a job as a prison warden so he could put tacks in
the electric chair.
* He'd steal a dead fly from a blind spider.
* The only thing he'll share with me willingly is a communicable disease.
v v v v v
"Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world.
But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they are
born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you."
Ray Romano
v v v v v
SPEED VS. CUTE. Opt for a faster Windows 98/2000/ME by right clicking
on the desktop, selecting Properties and Effects tab, then unchecking items
in the visual effects box at the bottom of the dialog box. The more you
check, the faster the response but the drabber your computing experience
QUICK WAY HOME. In Internet Explorer, click once on the address bar to
select (highlight it) or touch F6. In the address bar, type two periods
like ".." and hit Enter. You're home.
NeatNetTricks
TechTV | Install a CD-RW or DVD-R Drive
http://cgi.techtv.com/memberservices/newsletters?click=22534&release=3062
Do you yearn to burn? Outfitting your PC with a CD-R/CD-RW or DVD-R drive isn't as daunting as it seems
v v v v v
Would I Like To Have Sex With You?
I'd rather ...
* masturbate with a cheese grater.
* slide down a barbed wire banister into a bucket of alcohol.
* stick my genitals in a beehive.
* crush my foreskin between two tables whilst being bitch-whipped
by a fat, mustached geek named Spyros.
* have a porcupine inserted violently into my rectum.
* sandpaper a wildcat's ass.
* watch Rosie O'Donnell and Roseanne mud wrestle naked.
* dryfuck a polar bear in a phone booth.
* cram my dick in the ass of a bear with inflamed hemorrhoids.
* try to open a beer bottle with my sphincter ... and not a twist off, either.
* poke a Grizzly Bear in the ass with a short stick.
* stick a Hartz flea brush up my ass and jog a mile.
* fuck Pee Wee Herman in the daylight, without a bag to put over his head.
v v v v v
v v v v v
Q: Why is breast milk good for health?
A: Because it's great for blood circulation, provides heat, is
refreshing and comes in attractive containers.
v v v v v
NEW MEDICATIONS
Prestidigitalis: a cure-all..works like magic!
Sexcedrin: what to give someone who says, "Not tonight,
Dear; I have a headache."
Ropadopamine: retards brain damage from blows to the head.
Milk of Amnesia: for the new mother to help forget birth trauma.
Non-interferon: black-market drug often slipped to
unsuspecting in-laws.
Aestheominophen: You don't feel any better, but you look fabulous.
Siliconia: A cream imported from Romania to increase breast size.
v v v v v
TechTV | Free File: TypingMaster Pro
http://cgi.techtv.com/memberservices/newsletters?click=22533&release=3062
BETTER TYPING AT YOUR FINGERTIPS
Here's a free download that will have you typing faster and better in no time.
PCWorld.com - SpamPal v1.14
http://www.pcworld.com/downloads/file_description/0,fid,22925,tk,hsx,00.asp
SpamPal sits between your e-mail program and your mailbox, checking
your e-mail as you retrieve it. Any e-mail messages that SpamPal
considers to be spam are tagged with a special header. (SpamPal uses
DNSBL lists to identify servers that facilitate spam.) Just configure
your e-mail client to filter anything with this header into a separate
folder, so your spam isn't included with the rest of your e-mail.
Version: 1.14 Price: Free
Nero Burning ROM
http://download.com.com/3000-2646-10028984.html
Nero Burning ROM: Despite the explosion of CD/DVD burners,
Nero keeps grabbing the heartstrings of new users
Nero is a flexible, reliable, and easy-to-use application designed to write to both CD-R and
CD-RW discs. It supports ISO 9660 images, as well as ISO mode 1 and XA mode 2, and
allows for on-the-fly disc recording, in addition to overburning (if supported by hardware). Nero
also supports multisession and mixed-mode recording; HFS, ISO/HFS hybrid, UDF, PSX, OFAS
(optimal file access speed), track-at-once (TAO), and disc-at-once (DAO) writing; and digital
audio extraction. In addition, Nero can dynamically disable automatic-insert notification,
and it offers support for multiple languages.
JetAudio Basic
http://download.com.com/3000-2167-10013740.html
JetAudio is integrated multimedia software that is composed of a single compact rack.
Not only does it play various music/video files but it also has other features such as CD burning,
recording, conversion to other file formats, and so on. In addition to these features, you can create
your own Internet broadcasting by using JetCast, which is provided to you along with JetAudio.
FileCourier
http://download.com.com/3000-2369-10198722.html
Send huge files securely from your Desktop PC to anyone over the Internet via e-mail.
FileCourier lets you create and e-mail 'FileTickets' instead of trying to e-mail big files. Recipients
can just double-click the FileTicket to download the file from your PC - all they need is a normal
Web browser. New in version 1.1, a 'Live' attachment feature that gives you
real-time read access to a selected remote file.
McAfee VirusScan Online
http://cl.com.com/Click?q=45-fNkJIKBCj6bHZVgRPK7n0XjhJe9R
Optimized for today's Internet, McAfee VirusScan Online is fast, effective relief from
dangerous PC viruses, worms and Trojans. Auto scanning, immediate cleaning, one-click
controls and complete, up-to-the-minute protection keep your desktop, files and e-mail safe 24/7.
Ideal for users on dial-up or broadband (DSL, cable), VirusScan Online comes with fast, free antivirus
updates (easily downloaded over the Internet) during your subscription period,
which saves money and time.
v v v v v
An elderly pastor, looking over his large congregation on Easter
morning, startled them with this announcement: "My friends, realizing
that I will not see many of you until next Easter, may I take this
opportunity to wish all of you a merry Christmas and a happy New Year!"
v v v v v
The husband was angry when he found out that his wife Jill had been cheating on him.
He shouts at her, "I will play second fiddle to no one!"
Jill replies, "Second fiddle? You are lucky you are still in the band!"
v v v v v
Joys of Duct Tape
** Need a temporary wedding band? Hey, what the heck, with a product like
this, make a permanent wedding band.
** Small towns: Easily change your population signs with duct tape and a marker.
** Lost in the woods? Not with duct tape around: just hang little strips
of tape from branches to find your way back.
** Remodeling on a budget? Use duct tape to cover cupboard doors and
drawer fronts for a modern, metallic-look kitchen.
** Use duct tape to combine burger flipper and a fly swatter for
convenient cookout insect control.
v v v v v
v v v v v
A woman from New York meets a man from Texas at a party. She's deeply
attracted to him and asks, in a very suggestive voice, "Is there
anything I can do for you, handsome?"
"Welllll," replies the Texan, "I sure could use a piece of ass."
The woman from New York nods, takes the Texan into the bedroom, takes
off all of her clothes, takes off all of his clothes, and engages in a
hot session of mad passionate lovemaking with him. After they are done,
she again says suggestively, "Now, handsome, is there anything else I
can do for you?"
"Well, ma'am," he replies, "I could still use that piece of ass for my drink."
v v v v v
I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in control!
v v v v v
Did you know there are five penis sizes?
1. Small
2. Medium
3. Large
4. Oh My! and
5. Does that come in white?
v v v v v
*submitted by*
Walter88
Friends Forever
http://www.fun2send.com/friend4.php3?u=walter88@aol.com
2. My Shining Star
http://newfunpages.com/shiningstar.php3?u=walter88@aol.com
3. Friends Always
http://newfunpages.com/friendsalways.php3?u=walter88@aol.com
4. The Simply Wonderful You
http://www.goodtimes2.com/simply_wonderful.htm
5. Hi
http://www.angel9oh7.com/flashhi6.html
Flowgo.com
http://www.flowgo.com/flowgo2_view.cfm?page_id=10306
Best Friends
http://newfunnies.com/friends/whatfriend/index.php
A True Friend
http://www.angel9oh7.com/truefriend2.html
Fireworks
http://www.lovethissite.com/fireworks/
v v v v v
A scientist in Australia has invented a bra which offers more support
and prevents a woman's breasts from bouncing up and down. After
announcing his invention, the scientist was taken outside and beaten
up by a large group of men.
v v v v v
GardenGuides Shop
http://store.yahoo.com/gardenguides-store/index.html
Curl Up in the Garden
http://www.gardenguides.com/articles/herbspiral.htm
Suggesting both the ordered form of a conch shell and the disarray of an English garden, an herb spiral is ideal for
growing herbs in small spaces. Compact and colorful, and busy with honeybees and other insects, the raised, spiraled garden
bed built up with rocks and soil is a unique collection of culinary, medicinal,and fragrant plants that provides food for
the mind, body, and soul. The herb spiral is truly an ecosystem unto itself, filled with beautiful and useful plants.
Book Excerpts
http://www.gardenguides.com/gardeningbooks/bentwood.htm
Building A Bentwood Trellis Excerpted From:
Making Bentwood Trellises, Arbors, Gates & Fences by Jim Long.
Recycle downed limbs into beautiful, practical yard art by building a bentwood trellis. The finished project is
7 to 8 feet high, large enough for clematis or scarlet runner beans. Follow the link below for complete, easy-to-
follow instructions by landscape designer and columnist Jim Long.
GardenGuides
http://www.gardenguides.com/TipsandTechniques/naturalpestcontrol/pest-noframe.htm
Natural Insect Control
v v v v v
Slim: "I woke up this morning & felt so bad that I
tried to kill myself by taking a thousand aspirin."
Tubby: "Oh my God, what happened?"
Slim: "After the first two, I felt better."
v v v v v
SLANGDAMONIUM WORD FOR TODAY -
MIRAGE A TROIS
DEFINITION: Act of having sex with TWO imaginary people.
v v v v v
Controlling Weight Gain When You Quit Smoking
How do you "fill that gap" when you quit smoking? The
pounds are piling on and you know you're eating more to
compensate for the "oral stimulation" of smoking.
Although the average weight gain for those who quit smoking
is around ten pounds, some lucky people gain no weight at
all. However, you are more likely to keep the pounds off if you:
- Become more physically active before you quit smoking
- Maintain new levels of physical activity after you quit
- Make healthy changes to your diet, gradually-don't
overwhelm your body in the first few days after quitting;
avoid added stress by building up to a better diet, over a
period of several weeks.
- Drink lots of water when you feel the onset of a snack attack.
- Keep a supply of gum on hand.
v v v v v
"Sixty-three percent of men have had sex in the shower.
The other thirty-seven percent have never been to prison."
Jay Leno
v v v v v
BEAUTIFUL BUTTERFLIES
Create beautiful butterfly cookies that kids can decorate with their own designs.
Tie a few cookies together to make a butterfly bouquet.
What you'll need:
1 package (18 ounces) refrigerated sugar cookie dough
24 wooden craft sticks
6 squares (1 ounce each) white chocolate assorted food colorings
1 bag "M&M's"® Chocolate Candies
assorted food colorings
What to do:
Preheat oven to 325°F.
Working with half the dough at a time on lightly floured surface, roll to 1/4-inch thickness.
Cut into butterfly shapes using 3-inch cookie cutters.
Press on craft sticks and place about 2 inches apart on ungreased cookie sheets.
Bake 10 to 12 minutes.
Cool 2 minutes on cookie sheets; cool completely on wire racks.
In top of double boiler over hot water, melt white chocolate.
Remove from heat; divide among separate bowls for each glaze color desired.
Tint with food colorings as desired.
Spread over cookies; decorate with "M&M's"® Chocolate Candies. Let set.
Makes 2 dozen cookies.
v v v v v
How To Ask A Man To Do Something
Always remember these important rules
when asking a man to do something:
1. Make sure the man is conscious.
2. Crash the hard drive on his computer and
line the bird cage with the sports section.
3. Be brief! Limit your nagging harangue to two, three hours, max.
4. Reward him for cooperative behavior. Offer to cook him
something that doesn't have a peel-back cover.
5. Punish him when he refuses to cooperate. Microwave his remote
on high power for 55 minutes. Rotate 1/4 turn, and microwave
again for another 35 minutes.
6. Use "would you" or "will you" instead of "you'd better" or "do
as I say and no one will get hurt."
v v v v v
AOL Blocks a New Kind of Popup
Ever gotten a gray pop-up titled "Messenger Service"? Chances are it was a messenger pop-up--a
new kind of spam that targets PCs running Microsoft Windows 2000 or XP.
The AOL service offers a free, one-click fix to turn off the setting in Windows that allows these pop-ups.
When you click the link below, AOL will check your version of Windows, then change your settings if
you're vulnerable. A message will appear on your screen when it's done. Go now to AOL Keyword:
Messenger Pop-Ups.
Avoid Common E-mail Errors
A typical Internet e-mail address follows this basic format: name@site.domain
Most addressing errors fall into these categories:
Typographical errors
Check the e-mail address carefully to make sure you are typing it exactly as it was given to you.
Capitalization
Some Internet addresses are case-sensitive. Try typing the address using all lower case letters.
Extra spaces
Internet addresses contain no spaces. Some addresses may contain an underscore to separate
two words, for example: firstname_lastname@site.domain
Unnecessary designations
AOL does not require any special characters to designate an Internet address. Simply use the full Internet address
Advanced User Tip: Undeleting E-mail
If you accidentally deleted e-mail that you wanted to keep, click on the Mail Center icon on your
AOL Toolbar and select Recently Deleted Mail. From this list you can retrieve
deleted e-mails from the last 24 hours only.
v v v v v
The artist tried to concentrate on his work, but the attraction he felt
for his model finally became irresistible. He threw down his palette,
took her in his arms and kissed her.
She pushed him away. "Maybe your other models let you kiss them," she said.
"I've never tried to kiss a model before," he swore.
"Really," she said, softening. "How many models have there been?"
"Four," he replied. "A jug, two apples and a vase..."
v v v v v
Debsnewsletter - Archives
http://debsnewsletter.com/archives.shtml
v v v v v
A cat isn't fussy - just so long as you remember he
likes his milk in the shallow, rose-patterned saucer
and his fish on the blue plate. From which he will take
it, and eat it off the floor.
v v v v v
AskMen.com - Fashion tips for men
http://www.askmen.com
AskMen.com - Buff man
http://www.askmen.com/fashion/fashiontip_150/164_fashion_advice.html
Clothes that will make you look buff
AskMen.com - Wearing black
http://www.askmen.com/fashion/fashiontip_150/163_fashion_advice.html
v v v v v
A young man asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?"
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of
breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm.
In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a
bit. After fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions?" the young man asks.
"Yes, see them and they make you cry."
v v v v v
DISABLE PASSWORD-PROTECTED SCREEN SAVER
Ray from Knoxville, Tennessee, called asking how to disable password protection
on his Windows XP screen saver.
+ Go into your Control Panel and double-click Display Properties.
+ Click the Screen Saver tab and uncheck "On resume, password protect." + Click OK.
If this doesn't work, your computer is probably going into standby.
+ Click the Power button on the Screen Saver tab under your monitor's "Energy
saving features."
+ Go to the Advanced tab and uncheck "Prompt for password when computer
goes off standby." + Click OK.
v v v v v
The meaning of lots of phrases depend on your location.
A "safe cracker" in New York is a person who opens a safe without
knowing the combination.
In Georgia, it's an AIDS-free white girl on the pill.
v v v v v
*submitted by*
ColleenBokelman
States Street U.S.A.
http://wtv-zone.com/BVD/StatesStreet.html
v v v v v
A young woman asks her mother, "Mom, how many kind of penises are there?"
The mother, surprised, answers, "Well, daughter, a man goes through three
phases. In a man's twenties, a man's penis is like an oak, mighty and hard.
In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?" the young woman asks.
"Yes, dried up and the balls are there for decoration only."
v v v v v
Roger Moore was knighted by Queen Elizabeth on Saturday
for the charity work he does. At the same ceremony,
Sting was honored as a Commander of the British Empire...
Sounds almost like a Star Wars character doesn't it?
This legendary womanizing rocker decided it was time to stop
cheating when he started fantasizing about his wife when he
was with his girlfriend.........Guess Whooooooooooooooooooo
Mick Jagger
v v v v v
*submitted by*
Teacher310
A famous art collector is walking through the city when he
notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store.
He does a double take, as he notices that the saucer is extremely
old and very valuable. He walks casually into the store and
offers to buy the cat for two dollars.
The store owner replies, "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale."
The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house
to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."
And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.
The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if
you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and
it'll save me having to get a dish."
And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So
far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."
v v v v v
by Deb
The Guardian
by Nicholas Sparks
Julie Barenson's young husband left her two unexpected gifts before he died-a puppy
named Singer and the promise that he would always be watching over her. Now, four years later,
twenty-nine-year-old Julie is far too young to have given up on love. She may be ready
to risk caring for someone again. But who?
Should it be Richard Franklin, the sophisticated, handsome engineer who treats her like a queen?
Or Mike Harris, the down-to-earth nice guy who was her husband's best friend? Choosing one of them
should bring her more happiness that she's had in years. Instead, Julie is soon fighting for her life in a
nightmare spawned by a chilling deception and jealousy so poisonous that it has become a murderous desire...
THE GUARDIAN contains all the qualities readers expect from Nicholas Sparks: a plot filled with
emotion, scenes that touch our hearts, and characters who become part of our lives. But here he
adds a new electrifying intensity-and page after page of riveting suspense.
I thoroughly enjoyed this book and highly recommend it
v v v v v
A guy is in a public toilet, but soon discovers there is no toilet paper on the roll.
He calls into the next booth, "Do you have any tissue paper in there?"
"No," comes the reply.
"Do you have any newspaper?"
"Sorry!"
"Ummm, do you have two fives for a ten?"
v v v v v
*submitted by*
Barb2c4u
Due to an increase in the rate of submissions, Symantec Security
Response has upgraded W32.Sobig.E@mm from a Category 2 to a
Category 3 as of June 25, 2003.
W32.Sobig.E@mm is a mass-mailing worm that sends itself to all
the email addresses that it finds in files with the following
extensions:
.wab
.dbx
.htm
.html
.eml
.txt
The email attempts to trick the recipient into believing it came
from Yahoo (support@yahoo.com).
The email message has the following characteristics:
From: support@yahoo.com
(W32.Sobig.E@mm may also spoof the email From: field and use
any available address.)
Subject: The subject line will be one of the following:
Re: Application
Re: Movie
Re: Movies
Re: Submitted
Re: ScRe:ensaver
Re: Documents
Re: Re: Application ref 003644
Re: Re: Document
Your application
Application.pif
Applications.pif
movie.pif
Screensaver.scr
submited.pif
new document.pif
Re: document.pif
004448554.pif
Referer.pif
Attachment: The attachment name will be one of the following:
your_details.zip (contains details.pif)
application.zip (contains application.pif)
document.zip (contains document.pif)
screensaver.zip (contains sky.world.scr)
movie.zip (contains Movie.pif)
NOTE: W32.Sobig.E@mm worm de-activates on July 14, 2003.
If you have been infected already, Symantec Security
Response has created a tool to remove W32.Sobig.E@mm.
Click here to obtain the tool:
http://securityresponse.symantec.com/avcenter/venc/data/w32.sobig.e@mm.removal.tool.html
v v v v v
v v v v v
What is FOREPLAY?
1- The loving before the shoving.
2- The petting before the getting.
3- BULLSHIT!
4 -The licking before the pricking.
5- The stroking before the poking.
6- The procrastination & masturbation preceding penetration.
7- The lingering and the fingering.
8- A premature ejaculators nightmare!
9- Unnecessary with barn animals.
v v v v v
How To Determine If Technology Has Taken Over Your Life
1. Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address book. The letterhead lists
a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and your Internet address, which
spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have
conceded that the first page of any letter you write *is* letterhead.
2. You can no longer sit through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.
3. You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can't because there isn't one
typewriter in your house -- only computers with laser printers.
4. You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget to send your father a birthday card.
5. You disdain people who use low Baud rates.
6. When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers -- and
you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers' questions,
while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.
7. You use the phrase "digital compression" in a conversation without thinking how
strange your mouth feels when you say it.
8. You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the phrase "digital compression."
Everyone understands what you mean, and you are not surprised or disappointed that you don't have to explain it.
9. You know Bill Gates' e-mail address, but you have to look up your own social security number.
10. You stop saying "phone number" and replace it with "voice number," since we all know
the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into contraptions that talk to other contraptions.
11. You sign Christmas cards by putting :-) next to your signature.
12. Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than :-).
13. You back up your data every day.
14. Your wife asks you to pick up some minipads for her at the store and you return with a rest for your mouse.
15. You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.
16. On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than everyone
else who is reading John Grisham novels.
17. The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely enters your mind.
18. You are able to argue persuasively that Ross Perot's phrase "electronic town hall"
makes more sense than the term "information superhighway," but you don't
because, after all, the man still uses hand-drawn pie charts.
19. You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall in advance.
But you cannot give someone directions to your house without looking up the street names.
20. You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.
21. You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you something, but you think
it's okay for a computer to call and demand that you start pushing buttons on your telephone
to receive more information about the product it is selling.
22. You know without a doubt that disks come in five-and-a-quarter and three-and-a-half-inch sizes.
23. Al Gore strikes you as an "intriguing" fellow.
24. You own a set of itty-bitty screw-drivers and you actually know where they are.
25. While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries, you compare
mouse-induced index-finger strain with a nine-year-old.
26. You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to say "I don't know"
when someone asks you a technology question instead of feeling compelled to make something up.
27. You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.
28. You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.
29. You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions about which is better --
the track ball or the track *pad*.
30. You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, my friend, technology has taken over
your life. We suggest, for your own good, that you go lie under a tree and write a haiku.
And don't use a laptop.
v v v v v
v v v v v
Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?
A: Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5-7 days and
if it does not come, you're fucked.
v v v v v
Signs Your Swimming Pool Needs Cleaning:
* That green tarp covering your pool? Look again, Sparky.
* Neighborhood kids ask if they can jump on your trampoline.
* Kids still pee in your pool, but they refuse to get in it first.
* Skipping rocks across it causes sparks.
* New algae species attract a Discovery Channel film crew to your backyard.
* The Grim Reaper shows up in his Speedo.
* "DREDGE ME" spelled out in algae on the bottom.
* You can walk on the water, even though you're only the son of Gus.
* Dr. Kervorkian seen filling IV bottles at poolside.
* Your recently installed pool filter resembles the Marlboro
Man's chest x-ray.
v v v v v
v v v v v
The Top 10 Names for a Dildo
Part II
copyright chris white topfive.com
10> Plug 'n' Play 2
9> Clam Digger 2000
8> Larger Than Your Husband
7> The Piemaster
6> The Buffy Slayer
5> The Big Fake They Call Gitchee-Do-Me
4> HER Stufnpuf
3> Vagina Helper
2> The Nintendildo
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Name for a Dildo...
1> My First Bony
v v v v v
KILLER DOWNLOADS: Whether you're a chronic doodler
or just want to create sketches while you're on the
go, you should try drawing apps for your handheld.
Jason's got three that'll work on your Palm or Pocket PC.
Read More:
http://cl.com.com/Click?q=67-PnDkIOEORnasw-lLxDelJ01bLqRR
http://cl.com.com/Click?q=67-PnDkIOEORnasw-lLxDelJ01bLqRR
v v v v v
"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork.
I'm sorry, what was that last one? Don't eat pork? Is that the word
of God, or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?"
Jon Stewart
v v v v v
The Top 9 Movies Described as Police Reports
9> Suspects abused the body of the deceased for several days;
witnesses claim to have seen nothing despite direct contact
with the corpse.
(Weekend at Bernie's)
8> Stolen bicycle reported. Owner pursued the thief on his own
without police help; bicycle eventually recovered.
(Pee Wee's Big Adventure)
7> Five teenagers vandalized their school during detention last
Saturday when left unattended by the principal. As minors,
the teens' names were not released; however, they are
described as a brain, an athlete, a basket case, a princess
and a criminal.
(The Breakfast Club)
6> A wanted family of nine is suspected of fleeing the area and
crossing the border into Switzerland. The family is described
as a father in uniform, a mother or possibly a nun, and seven
children dressed in clothes resembling old curtains. Suspects
known to break into song at any moment.
(The Sound of Music)
5> An individual came to the station to report he and two others
lost a fourth individual to drowning during a boating trip.
Authorities should be on the look out for hill dwellers,
according to the pretty-mouthed individual.
(Deliverance)
4> Marine Animal Control Unit requests a larger vessel after
their initial attempts to subdue a local pest off the shores
of Amity Island were unsuccessful.
(Jaws)
3> Be on the lookout for a man driving a yellow Cadillac: He is
wanted in the kidnapping of his autistic brother. The car
was last spotted travelling toward Las Vegas with stops at
local area K-Marts to buy underwear.
(Rain Man)
2> A teenage girl killed an elderly woman in Kansas, then
apparently teamed up with three strangers to kill another.
Suspect claims she was "over the rainbow" at the time.
(Wizard of Oz)
and the Number 1 Movie Described as a Police Report...
1> An underage youth, driving a sports car powered by plutonium
obtained illegally from Libyans, was seen speeding in the
parking lot of the Twin Pines mall. He was later nearly caught
doing 88 in a 35-mile-an-hour zone.
(Back to the Future)
v v v v v
Story: Phones with cameras: Ridiculous? No!
http://cl.com.com/Click?q=7e-XDXeInpa3vDCF_aYYxhYstphZPZR
WIRELESS: When I first heard about cell phones with
built-in cameras, I thought they sounded completely
useless. Then I actually got my hands on one. Here's
why I think they may actually be good for something.
v v v v v
A blind psychic in Germany claims he can tell people's future
by feeling their naked buttocks. I believe this is called 'asstrology
v v v v v
Good dancers make good lovers!
Men who know how to move on the dance floor know all the right
moves in the bedroom, according to a new report.
A survey of 2,000 women, commissioned by Phones 4U, has revealed the
way a man dances is a dead giveaway to his performance between the sheets.
Flashy, over-the-top dancers are the very worst, according to 67% of women.
They are so proud of their moves that they'll spend more time in bed
making sure they look good rather than trying to please their partner.
Men who are shy on the dance floor are just as shy in bed according to 62%.
Beware of the guy who does the side-to-side shuffle on the dance floor.
Boring, unimaginative and uninspiring, he'll generate even less energy in bed.
Ballroom dancers, too, score zero in the sex stakes.
They demand perfection in their partner and expect nothing less, according to the expert.
v v v v v
TechTV | Mac Tip: Slacker
http://cgi.techtv.com/memberservices/newsletters?click=22535&release=3062
Tired of not getting anything done? Does your boss think you're slacking at work?
Get into your personal groove with Slacker, a fully customizable to-do list that will help you
get organized and get things done. I don't want to go Tony Robbins on you,
but organization is the fastest route to advancement!
APPLE UNLEASHES NEW G5
TechTV | Macintosh Gets Bigger and Badder
http://cgi.techtv.com/memberservices/newsletters?click=24146&release=3259
The Web was abuzz on Friday after Apple Computer accidentally posted new
specs for its highly anticipated Power Mac G5 computer. Apple yanked the
specs off of its site Friday morning, but not before enterprising Mac fans
posted screen shots of the specs all over the Internet. It turns out the
mistake wasn't a clever marketing ploy. Apple did release its new G5 desktop
PC, and showed off an upgraded version of OS X. See it all tonight on "Tech
Live," and find out what Brett Larson has to say about the new products.
v v v v v
Winners of a New York Magazine contest who were asked to take
a well known expression in a foreign language, change a single
letter and provide a definition for the new expression:
RIGOR MORRIS:
The cat is dead.
RESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID:
Honk if you're Scottish
HARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS?:
Can you drive a French motorcycle?
VENI, VIPI, VICI:
I came, I'm a very important person, I conquered
[Nick adds...]
VENI, VIDI, VISA:
I came, I saw, I shopped.
COGITO EGGO SUM:
I think, therefore I am ... a waffle
QUE SERA SERF:
Life is feudal
LEROI EST MORT. JIVE LEROI:
The king is dead. No kidding
POSH MORTEM:
Death styles of the rich and famous
PRO BOZO PUBLICO:
Support your local clown
MONAGE A TROIS:
I am three years old
HASTE CUISINE:
Fast French food
QUIP PRO QUO:
A fast retort
ALOHA OY:
Love; greetings; farewell;
and from such a pain you should never know
MAZEL TON:
Tons of luck
VISA LA FRANCE:
Don't leave your chateau without it
CARNE DIEM:
Seize the meat
v v v v v
STAR SPANGLED CRISPIES
What's red, rice, blue and crunchy all over?
Even young patriots can make these simple cereal treats.
What you'll need:
1 12-ounce bag white chocolate chips
4 tablespoons margarine, melted
4 cups crispy rice cereal
1 bag "M&M's"® Milk Chocolate Candies with red and blue candies separated out
What to do:
Place white chocolate chips and margarine in a microwave-safe bowl.
Heat at medium power for about 1 minute.
Do not allow chocolate to burn.
Stir until mixture is smooth; combine with cereal and "M&M's"® Crispy Chocolate Candies.
Drop onto wax paper lined sheet pan to set.
v v v v v
Good Bad And Worse
GOOD: You find an Armani suit on sale at a terrific price!
BAD: It needs a little work at your alterations shop.
WORSE: The tailor there has never seen a Armani suit before.
GOOD: The tests are positive - you're gonna' be a dad again!
BAD: You really can't afford another kid on your pay.
WORSE: You haven't told your wife.
GOOD: Your daughter has been chosen Head Cheerleader!
BAD: She's been sidelined by a persistent rash.
WORSE: It's jock itch.
GOOD: Your mother in-law makes a chocolate cake you love!
BAD: You get home and she's come for dinner, apparently empty-handed.
WORSE: No, she's brought your cake. It's in the den with her luggage.
GOOD: You went for the 100,000 mile, head-to-tail warranty on the RV.
BAD: You watch the odometer pass 99,999.
WORSE: when a cloud of white smoke fills the passenger compartment.
GOOD: You're enjoying Parent's Night at Millard C Fillmore Jr. High school.
BAD: until a school counselor urges therapy for both your son & daughter.
WORSE: You only have one kid.
GOOD: You've got the nicest gardens in town thanks to Mario, your gardener.
BAD: Your wife beams when she talks of the hours spent helping him.
WORSE: She doesn't have a suntan.
GOOD: You're the man! You'll go to the National Trade Show with the Boss.
BAD: Hotel space is tight. You will share his suite for a week.
WORSE: On the flight down, he tells you you're cute.
GOOD: Your daughter loves a nice young man, the owner of the local hair salon.
BAD: There's a rumor going around town that he's gay.
WORSE: Your wife guarantees you that he's not.
v v v v v
v v v v v
*submitted by*
APPMFRANCO@wmconnect.com
ASPARAGUS SALAD
1-1/2 cups vegetable oil (canola, if possible)
1/2 cup white vinegar (do not use cider)
2 tsp. Dijon mustard
1/2 tsp. salt
1/8 tsp. pepper
1/4 cup chopped green/or red bell peppers
or a combination of both
1/4 cup chopped green onions (scallions)
2 lbs. fresh asparagus, cooked and drained
2 tomatoes, sliced
a few slices of red radishes (optional)
1/2 cucumber, sliced thinly (optional)
1 tbs. chopped fresh curly parsley
In a small bowl, whisk together the oil, vinegar,
mustard, salt and pepper. Add the bell pepper,
parsley, green onions, cucumber, and radishes, if using. Place the asparagus
spears in a glass bowl. Pour the dressing with the vegetables over the
asparagus. Cover and chill overnight.
When ready to serve, drain the asparagus by using a slotted spoon and arrange
them on a plate lined with lettuce leaves. Garnish with the tomato slices.
Pour by spoon some of the dressing over the asparagus and tomato slices,
including some of the vegetables in the dressing.
Place the remainder of the dressing in a small bowl so that guests can add
more if they would like to.
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*submitted by*
ColleenBokelman
Decorative Throw Pillows by Sofa Garden
http://sofagarden.com/
SNOWCRASH - PRODUCTS - CLOUD
http://www.snowcrash.se/products/cloud/index.php
Hmmmmmm
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Mary hears the car drive up, then a clatter as it hits the garbage
cans. Then she hears a car door slam, some cussing, then the garage
door opens and slams. Suddenly more crashing and clattering and
cussing, then John comes into the house with his golf clubs, scowling
and cussing.
"What's the matter, Dear, you have a bad day on the golf course?" asked Mary.
"Yeah, what a rotten day! What a rotten round of golf! Why, I only hit
two balls solidly all day, and I wouldn't have hit them if I hadn't
stepped on the rake in the garage!"
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The Top 9 Sexual Superhero Powers
copyright chris white topfive.com
9> X-Rated Vision
8> Twirling Hooters of Death
7> Super Recall (of baseball statistics)
6> Nail-Gun Thrust (for when you really want to nail her)
5> First-Try Bra Removal Dexterity
4> Kegel Klamp (also known as Gyno-Grip)
3> The Incredible Hung's power is obvious -- just don't get
him excited!
2> Tuck and Roll Super Wet-Spot Avoidance Power
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sexual Superhero Power...
1> Guess what Spidey's super-sticky web is actually made of?
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"Oh, No!" he gasped as he surveyed the disaster before him. Never in his 40 years of life had
he seen anything like it. How anyone could have survived he did not know. He could only
hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming destruction he would find his 16-year-old son.
Only the slim hope of finding Danny kept him
from turning and fleeing the scene. He took a deep breath and proceeded.
Walking was virtually impossible with so many things strewn across his path.
He moved ahead slowly. "Danny! Danny!" he whispered to himself. He
tripped and almost fell several times. He heard someone, or something, move. At least he
thought he did. Perhaps, he was just hoping he did. He
shook his head and felt his gut tighten. He couldn't understand how this could have happened.
There was some light but not enough to see very much. Something cold and wet brushed against
his hand. He jerked it away. In desperation, he took another step then cried out, "Danny!" From a
nearby pile of unidentified material, he heard his son. "Yes, Dad," he said, in a voice so weak it could
hardly be heard. "It's time to get up and get ready for school,"
the man sighed,
"and, for heaven's sake, clean up this room."
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Big Boy Briefs!
http://www.adultshop.com/bigboy/
Coop's Toons Sit On My Face
http://coopsjokes.com/toons10/sit_face.htm
Larry the Cable Guy
http://www.grin-reaper.com/wav.GoingInCirclesFor2Hours.htm
LMAO this is good!!
Titanic
http://www.grin-reaper.com/wav.Titanic.htm
More audio!
12 Inch Dick
http://www.grin-reaper.com/wav.12.inch.dick.htm
Funny stuff!
JPEG Baby - A Love Song For The 21st Century
http://www.bloggerheads.com/jpeg/
LOL
Coop's Toons Smothered
http://coopsjokes.com/toons10/smother.htm
CuteStuf.com , Daily Fun Pages ,eGreetings , and Inspirations !
http://www.classmates.com/p.tf/registration/?s=5885?&_eu_rnd_=808256
Masturbation!
Apology card
http://www.grin-reaper.com/card1.htm
Just the card to send to ---- ummmmm that 'special someone'
Dildo Art: Where the worlds of sex toys and art collide
http://www.dildoart.com/
~AIKEN DRUM'S~ * a laugh a day *
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/545.html
http://www.cartoonplugin.com/de_interface11.swf
http://www.cartoonplugin.com/de_interface11.swf
Follow along with Dirty Ernie
and the crazy cast of characters in these sick and twisted Flash animated
shows.
http://www.rickysplace.com/daily/wk3/4/05.html
http://www.rickysplace.com/daily/wk3/4/05.html
Aromatherapy for guys!
http://www.rickysplace.com/daily/wk3/3/03.html
http://www.rickysplace.com/daily/wk3/3/03.html
LOL!
http://www.rickysplace.com/daily/wk2/3/04.html
http://www.rickysplace.com/daily/wk2/3/04.html
Question of the Week Classic
http://www.jackinworld.com/qow/qc.html
Recycled condom fashion
http://www.grin-reaper.com/ucf.htm
Updated page - more 'fashions'!
Dirty Sign
http://www.popsmear.com/popculture/features/18/dirtysign/index.html
Yep - dirty sign language
Great Pics Great Lists Great Fun
http://www.footlonghotdog.net/mouthful.htm
And how many men do you think it took to write this hmmmmm? *smile*
~AIKEN DRUM'S~ * a laugh a day *
http://www.aikenslaughs.com/adult/208.html
*wink*
Free Adult Ecards Of Naughty Adult Funny Celebrity Cartoons Videos Adult Greetings Adult
Sexy Pictures Of Adult Humor Fun Site
http://www.adultfunsite.com/card.phtml?crdID=219
*submitted by*
Walter88
water3
http://www.funnygreetings.com/water3.htm
This could have gone in the SILLY section too!
Get Buck Naked and Beep Card
http://www.liquidgeneration.com/greetings/naked_beep.asp
You Caught Me!
http://www.grin-reaper.com/wav.ycm.htm
Hilarious songs by Stephen Lynch
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Rockin' and Rollin' makes no endorsement or warranty, expressed or implied, with regard
to featured products or services. Results may vary based on operating
systems and other variables beyond our control
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Another issue on it's way to YOU! and another one already in the making! So meet us back
here next week, same time - same place
but remember, no matter where you are or what you are doing,
never,
ever,
EVER
forget to
keep on rockin'
it's a state of mind
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©1999 - 2003 - Deborah Austin - All rights reserved and held by Rockin' and Rollin'
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